I want a hug! – 22nd August 1998

Saturday 22nd I’ve just got off the phone to Bella coz she was asking me about the Art homework and she said she went to see the exhibition of the mosaics from Longford at the library. That wasn’t the part I was interested in. She said she saw Finn (that’s why I wish I’d been there) and he said hi. He was showing it all to his mum.

She also said that there was a photo of us up. It was the one taken where Finn and I were stood very close. I hope it’s a good one of me but Bella said I wasn’t looking at the camera.

Anyway, Emma went with Freddie last night. Freddie went with Emma, Suzanna the Slapper and a complete stranger. She said they didn’t go to the cinema coz Howler and this other lad were late. Howler smokes – Yuk! They were all pissed so I think I’m glad I didn’t go.

There’s a possibility I might be going to Alton Towers on either Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday instead of Blackpool coz Emma’s dad could possibly take us. I bet Adam’s still on holiday. [He lived near Alton Towers.] If he isn’t, I’m scared of seeing him coz I’ve only ever talked to him. I might not like him in real life. He could be a minger coz he’s still not sent that pic. Oh well, I might not even be going there.


Finn

I’m not sure what to write. Well, I do know but dunno how I can put it into words. I was just going to have another moan about me, you see. I’ve been trying to work out what my bloody problem is. I’ll use town last night as an example.

Basically, I didn’t go. Emma said today that I chickened out again. She’s right, I did really. I said I wasn’t feeling too well but that was just an excuse I s’pose. But why? Why don’t I just do stuff? I’ve done it before too like the 1st time Emma went to town, I could’ve done but didn’t.

I think that part of the reason is that I don’t like unpredictability. I’d rather know what to expect.

Another part is that I know what usually ends up happening when Emma, Ralph and Freddie get together. They always wanna get pissed and I don’t. I don’t like what alcohol does to people. I can’t describe what I mean. Okay, a few drinks, fair enough but they always go way overboard and out of control. I’d rather be in control.

Ralph and Freddie and Emma sometimes have also started smoking. I don’t like that either. That’s just plain disgusting. There’s no reason that I can’t explain for me not liking people fagging it.

It’s now that I’ve got to know them better that I feel more uncomfortable with them. I think in the back of my mind I’m worried that they’re going to rope me into the bad little habits. I know I could probably say no to Ralph and Freddie alone but with people I don’t know on their side too, I might not have so much willpower. I probably would refuse them if they tried to get me to drink more than I wanted to or start smoking but then it’s explaining why I wouldn’t do it that I’d have the problem with and I wouldn’t want them to think I was a right geek.

The reason I don’t know for sure how I would react to that kind of pressure is that, so far in my little life, I haven’t been faced with it. The reason why I haven’t been faced with it is that I’ve never let myself. The reason I haven’t let myself is that I’m scared of how I’d react.

It’s all a big vicious cycle. I get so annoyed with myself sometime. It’s because I think too much that I don’t allow myself to go places like town last night because I think of bad things that could happen and I end up convincing myself that I’m best off staying at home. But once I’m home I wish I’d gone to wherever because I don’t want to be missing out.

If I don’t start doing things, I’ll have nothing to tell in the future. I sometimes think about how different this diary would be if I did do all the things I’ve chickened out of. [There might not have been a diary. I’d have been too busy being all sociable to stay in on a Saturday night and write down pages and pages of worries.]

For instance, if I had’ve gone to town last night, I could have way more interesting things to write today than what Bella said on a phone call and what I might be doing next week. I wouldn’t put it past myself to chicken out of going to Alton Towers for fear of not being able to control the situation I might possibly be faced with and then I’d be stuck at home worrying what I’d missed and how different my life could’ve been if I’d gone.

Right, I think I’ve said most of it. The aching up my arm through writing down my thoughts so fast is suggesting that I should stop now.

There’s still something niggling in my mind that I still can’t put into words. If I work out what it is, I’ll tell you.

P.S. I’m sorry but I have to write this down even though I know it’s boring.

I’m just not content at the moment. There’s been the odd times recently when I have been but they never lasted long. A while back it was the Ralph dilemma and then it was something else. Now I’m worried that my friends are going off, making new groups of friends and leaving me behind. If I try to join in as well I’ll just feel the odd one out and I don’t want that.

I want a hug!

At least I know I can say no – 12th May 1998

Tuesday 12th Ralph asked me to go with [snog] him today. It all started at lunch when Emma, Olivia, Hayley, Lena and I were sat on the school field then Ralph, Graham, Freddie and Jade joined us. (Ferny wasn’t in today again. He wasn’t yesterday either.)

We were all lying down along the grass talking about exam results and stuff. (I got 56% in Science. 24/30 in Biology, 7/30 in Chemistry and 21/30 in Physics. Crap I know!) I was at one end of the grass and Ralph was at the other. Then Graham said, “Tess, come over here.” I wouldn’t coz I didn’t trust him so he came over to me instead and whispered “Ralph wants to go with you. Will you?”

I just panicked as usual and said no and made it up that I didn’t really like him and I agreed when everyone asked if I liked Ferny instead. It’s a good thing he wasn’t in school really.

I looked over at Ralph and he was making a daisy chain or summit and looking embarrassed. I felt really snidey again. I bet I hurt his feelings or summit. I didn’t mean to if I did, it’s just all that was embarrassing for me too, especially as I had all my mates there saying, “Just go with him, Tess.”

At least I know I can say no.

On the way back to registration I had Graham questioning me on Ferny and whether I liked him. Then Freddie chipped in and said, “He thinks you’re an ugly cow so you might as well stick with Ralph.” I dunno if Ferny said that or if they were attempting to put me off him but Graham said, “Exactly but you’re not though. Sorry but you’re just not.” He was about to say something about Ralph then Hayley said, “You’d better watch it Graham. You’ll be making Rachael jealous.”

I didn’t see much more of that lot in the afternoon. Probably coz I was trying to avoid them. Oh yeah, they were outside our English room but I was talking to Graham more about Hayley’s sneezes and he was throwing flowers and stuff at me.

I really wasn’t sure if Ralph still liked me this morning. Emma and I were in Mr W’s room about Emma’s work experience self-placement pack and Graham, Freddie and Ralph came in. They did whatever they came in for but stayed and waited by me whilst Emma was sorting herself out.  Freddie was stabbing himself and other people with a drawing pin, Graham was talking to me about the Food Tech exam and Ralph was being unusually quiet. Then when the bell went, Emma and Freddie dropped back and Ralph just ignored me which he doesn’t usually do.

I hardly spoke to Ralph at all today. It’s probably going to be even more awkward for a while now.

He was nothing compared to Ralph! – 14th April 1998

Tuesday 14th We went ice skating today. There were loads if girls and Freddie. There was me, Emma, Rach, Georgia, Lena, Olivia, Rach’s sister and her mate and then Freddie. It was quite good actually and there was this lad in a green coat (who looked a bit like Ewan Swann) who kept “accidentally” falling into me. They all thought he fancied me. Maybe he did but he didn’t stand much of a chance coz he was nothing compared to Ralph!

It’s snowing really heavily and it’s gone quite deep now. I really want a snowball fight with my mates tomorrow but I don’t think that there’s much chance of that happening coz Mum’s making me go shopping for new school stuff tomorrow and Abby and I have got a dentist appointment too. What a fun day I’m gonna have – NOT!

I’m really worried that I’m going to run out of time to do my homework as well. I’ve only got two pieces but they’re really long and really important. I always do this, you know, leave it all until the last minute then panic. Oh well, I’ve got Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday to do it in but when I get to them I’ll probably keep putting it off. No, I won’t, I can’t.

He won’t want to get called a fridge – 22nd & 23rd February 1998

Sunday 22nd I went to Emma’s today. She’s regretting snogging 3 lads. When we get back to school she wants me to stick up for her if people start calling her a slag but that’ll be awkward coz I agree with them. [Only because I was well jel.]

She thinks Ferny likes me. I still dunno.

BYE!

Monday 23rd Life is so unfair sometimes! One lad I thought I had a chance with [Contradictory to what I wrote the day before.] has been grabbed by one of my mates. Grrr!!!

Hayley’s asked Ferny out.

She knew I liked him a lot which makes it even more bloody annoying. She told me this morning that she was going to ask him out so, at lunch (to get a hint of what he might say), Emma asked him if he still liked Hayley. He paused and said, “Mmm… no.” Then she asked him what he’d say if she asked him out and he gave the same answer. I just said, “Oh good!” and I think he heard me.

I was happy all afternoon then until last break. Rachael H asked him out for Hayley anyway and he said, “I dunno, I’ll tell you tomorrow.” If he really didn’t wanna go out with her he’d have said no straight away. Bugger!

I’m gonna be so bloody disappointed if he says yes tomorrow which everyone thinks he will. I’m trying to stop myself from liking him now so that I won’t be too gutted but I can’t. I’m probably more nervous than Hayley is about his answer.

Freddie wasn’t in today and neither was Ralph. Emma’s getting really pissed off with that lot coz we saw them at lunch and they started saying that Freddie had gum disease and that he was too embarrassed to come to school now he’d sobered up. I couldn’t stop laughing but I don’t think Emma saw the funny side.

I’m still depressed about Ferny. I can’t stop thinking about it. He’s never been with anyone [I was talking snogging here.] and I wanted to be the first but it doesn’t look like it’s going my way. I think I’ll phone Emma to see if I can get her to cheer me up. But then, knowing her at the moment, she’ll make me worse with all her problems.

I still think he’ll say yes [mainly because I’m a die-hard pessimist but also…] coz
– he’s liked Hayley before
– his mates’ll pressurise him into it
– he won’t want to get called a fridge [A real schooldays fear if I remember rightly.]
– it’ll be the 1st real chance of a girlfriend he’s had etc.

Emma reckons he’ll say no though and he’s keeping her hanging coz he wants to get back at her for chickening out last time.

Okay, it’s a few hours later now and I phoned Emma before. She still thinks Ferny’s gonna say no. I still think he’ll say yes. I can see it all now: If we go anywhere at the weekends, there’ll be the 2 happy couples – Emma and Freddie, Hayley and Ferny – then (not out of choice) me and Ralph will be stuck together.

Oh well, I’ve kind of convinced myself that I don’t give a toss now and I’ll just have to see what happens tomorrow.

BYE!

[Any guesses what’s going to happen?! I genuinely can’t remember and I’ve not turned the page to find out yet. It’s not exactly an edge-of-seat cliffhanger but it’s the best my teenage self could offer.]

I’ve never had a boyfriend – 7th December 1997

Sunday 7th Emma came round today. We didn’t really do anything. I was trying to guess who she fancies but I still don’t know and she was trying to guess who I fancy. I’ve not told her yet but she knows about Dougie anyway, it’s just Ralph I won’t admit to liking coz it’s just embarrassing!

Emma was also trying to guess what happened in Scotland. Nothing did and I don’t know where she’s got it from. Now she thinks I went with [snogged] Alex in Wick in the summer. I was enjoying winding her up and she’s drawn her own conclusions. I never told her one way or the other. She still doesn’t know for sure so I’m going to keep her hanging! I hope she doesn’t say owt to anyone!

It started off when she was saying, “What happened in Scotland?” I asked her why she thought something had and she told me that it was just little things I’d said like, “I hope the McLeans are home for Christmas.” I said that coz they moved to Shetland in the summer and I like one of their sons, Alex. I’ve never even really talked to him properly.

I then asked Emma what she thought had happened and she said it was probably summit to do with Alex. I admitted to that coz it’s not a lie coz I liked him and his brother told him.

She then started trying to guess what she thought could have happened and it was all things like, “Did he ask you out?” and “Is he your boyfriend?” and “Did you go with [snog] him?” I didn’t actually answer to any of them so she narrowed it down herself by watching my face when she said each one. I think I said “No” when the boyfriend bit came up so she counted that one out.

I then offered to read her my diary from that holiday and I had quite a bit of soppy stuff written about him which I giggled to myself at and completely missed out of reading to her. That must’ve given her the impression that something did happen and she kept saying to me, “Did you go with him? Did you go with him?” I just kept silent and giggled for these reasons:-

  1. I was really enjoying winding her up.
  2. It sounds sad that I’ve never been with anyone so I kind of wanted her to think I had.

But it’s not like I’ve lied about it because I never actually said, “Yes, I did  go with Alex McLean.” I just didn’t say anything.

I feel really guilty now. No, guilty’s not right, more worried. [Hence the long diary entry.] Worried that she’ll find out nothing actually happened in Scotland and everyone will think I’m stupid for making such a big fuss. Well, not everyone coz I’ve not said anything to anyone but Emma.

Really I just want to tell her that it was all a big wind up but then she’ll go back to thinking [knowing] that I’ve never had a boyfriend. I haven’t but I don’t want people to think that.

Oh well, I never actually said I had so I’ll try and forget about it.

BYE!

[Anyone else remember embellishing upon or just downright lying about things happening with boys/girls when you were younger?

I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one doing this to appear to be keeping up with my friends…. although they were potentially fibbing about snogging too!]

Oasis got their sidies drawn on with eyeliner – 19th November 1997

Wednesday 19th What a day! [I predict that I’m about to make a mountain out of a molehill.] I’ll start from the beginning.

I woke up this morning and remembered I had an assembly. It was the 1st time for a while I have actually felt awake in the morning. It was a horrible feeling, the thought of everyone in my year looking at me. I really felt sick. I tried not to think about it and kept reminding myself that we had a practice 1st but it didn’t work. I still felt absolutely awful! I was going to ask Mum if I could have a day off but I knew it wouldn’t work coz I’d already asked her the night before.

I got to school and forgot about the assembly for a while coz I was trying to make Emma break her sponsored silence. That was until the bell went and it was panic time again. We went into our tutor room and had a sort of run through and everyone got changed and Oasis got their sidies drawn on with eyeliner.

Mr M then came in and told us the Drama Studio was free so we (Aarghhh!!! ‘You Sexy Thing’ has just come on the radio! That’s the song Ralph keeps singing!) could go in there and rehearse. I felt slightly better after that until we had to go behind the curtain and the rest of the year walked in. Mr M took ages giving notices and stuff and we were all getting really nervous.

Eventually we started and our turn to go on came pretty quickly. I wanted to see where Dougie was but I didn’t want to look coz I knew he’d be looking at me!

My turn to speak came and I bloody well forgot what I had to say. I think I managed something along the lines of what I was meant to say. I just wanted to get off stage!

It seemed to be over pretty quickly, you know, once it was done with! I stood by the edge of the curtain so I could see who was sitting where. I saw Ralph, Freddie and Dougie all sitting together and at one point they were all looking over and grinning at me.

It wasn’t all over coz at the end we had to go on and wave our arms about at the Oasis song (‘Supersonic’) so then the three of ‘em just laughed at me!

Nothing else happened until Geography. We were just discussing the cinema and stuff then Dougie sort of put his hand to his mouth and said to Neil K (whilst looking at me), “Guess who Ralph fancies”. I immediately tuned in and then I knew what was about to come. Neil went, “Who, Emma?” Dougie told him no and pointed discretely at me. Neil guessed and went, “What, Tess?” I turned round and went, “WHAT?” Dougie said, “Ralph really fancies you”.

I wanted to ask him what Ralph had been saying but I had to turn around coz I couldn’t stop smiling to myself!

I actually thought that, now the assembly was done with, I didn’t have much else to worry about. Then I got this from Poppy (after Dougie and Neil read it):

November 1997 - Note

Well, I think that’s it for today and for this diary except Dougie sarcastically (I think) said I was “stunning” in assembly this morning! [That was most definitely sarcasm.]

BYE FANS!

[Who are these fans? I never wanted anyone to read this, EVER!]

I had to stand with Ralph – 18th November 1997

Tuesday 18th I really don’t wanna do this assembly! It’s going to be so embarrassing! Mrs S wants us all to wave our arms about at the start so it looks like we’ve gone back in time and then my group is the 1st lot on. Then, as I said yesterday, she wants us all to sing at the end. It’s gunna be awful and I’m dreading it so much.

I kept seeing Ralph today, mostly at lunch. When I came out of Maths, he was at the icey man then he was in the school shop. I went in the Music block later and he was in there too with Will Fernley, Jez and Megan Quinn. I was just going out when Jez called Emma back to knock on the Music room door for Freddie so he’d come out. That meant I had to stand with Ralph.

Later, I was walking out of the block and Ralph was just walking in so Emma said, “Do you fancy Tess? Coz Freddie says you do.” He said, “No!” and “Freddie’s a liar.” Hmmm, I wonder who’s telling the truth.

I can’t stop worrying about this bloody assembly. We’re meant to have a run-through 1st but that won’t do much good!

BYE!