I can’t get any of it out of my head – 13th June 2000

Tuesday 13th First thing this morning, Bhakti came into our common room looking for Jake. He wasn’t in at that point so she came and spoke to me. She asked how he was and I had to say I didn’t know. She asked about the funeral and I had to say I didn’t know.

She seemed to think it was yesterday because he’d told her they were having it on Monday cos it’s his mum’s birthday. I told her that it’s probably next Monday cos that’s when her birthday is – on the 19th. That’s the only thing I could tell her, although if I hadn’t know when his mum’s birthday is, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her that either. She told me that people were asking for his address so they can send him cards and stuff. Also that his grades will go up by one too.

I get the feeling that people think I’m awful for not knowing anything about the situation and that I should but I don’t ask cos I don’t care. The truth is I do care but I don’t know anything because he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask because I’m scared of him resenting me for making him talk about something that he doesn’t want to talk about.

I think most people know what’s happened now. At 2nd lesson, just before Jake arrived, Freda told me she’d heard about his mum cos Miranda’s been invited to the funeral. This filled me with panic because if Miranda’s going and hasn’t even been going out with Robbie that long, what if Jake asks me??

I wouldn’t know what to do if he asked me to go. I’d feel awful saying no if he wanted me to be there but, if I went, I know I’d probably get upset by it and I’d also feel really uncomfortable because Jake’s kept me out of that part of his life really. I’d feel like I had no right to be there, as if I was intruding. Hopefully he won’t put me in that position. I’ve also got a Sports Studies mock exam on Monday but I could hardly use that as an excuse cos it seems so unimportant compared to someone’s funeral.

Sarah doesn’t think he’ll ask me because he’s kept me separate from it all so far but as soon as I told Hayley when the funeral is, she expected me to be going along without him even asking me. Abby says that if he asks me I “have to go” really. I’m so confused about what I should do.

I keep telling myself to forget about it for now and worry about it if he does ask me to go but then if he did and I hadn’t thought about it, I’d be stuck for words again. I’d planned the sort of thing I’d say to him when he told me she’d died but when it came to it though, my mind went totally blank. I just don’t know what to do.

He was being okay again when he came in. Bhakti found him and started talking to him about funerals and stuff so I left them to it because, again, I felt like it was a conversation that I shouldn’t have been listening to. I don’t know if that was the case though.

At the end of lunch, I asked if he was staying for the rest of the afternoon. He said no and that he wouldn’t see me until Friday. He didn’t say why and, yet again, I didn’t want to ask for fear of making him tell me something he didn’t want to.

In all my lessons after that, I felt like crying and if someone had raised their voice to me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to help it. I’ve kept crying a bit all evening at various times, mainly through the frustration of not being able to concentrate on revision because of all this and because I keep thinking about it all. I can’t get any of it out of my head.

At some point this week, I can see myself just crying uncontrollably because everything’s building up. I also remembered before that Jake’s going away in a few weeks for a month and I’m hardly getting to see him now. That’s really selfish, isn’t it? He’s got good reasons for not being around so much.

If I do snap, I really don’t want him to be around or anyone to tell him because I don’t think he realises this is all affecting me quite so much (although this is probably nothing compared to him and his family) and I don’t want him to have to worry about me as well or him to think I’m stupid for getting upset cos it’s not a member of my family that’s died recently.

I can’t get my head round all this. There’s no way I’m going to pass any of my exams so I don’t know how the heck Jake and Robbie are managing.

Bye!

Advertisements

I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!! – 12th June 2000

Monday 12th I spoke to Miranda again very briefly this morning. I asked if she’d spoken to Robbie and how he was. She told me she had and that he seemed okay. At that point, I should’ve walked off faster cos she said that Robbie had told her something about Jake and what he drops in the bath. Her friend then put her hand over Miranda’s mouth and told her not to say anything cos it’s disgusting and would put me off. I told her to tell me anyway cos I’d be wondering what she was going to say for ages otherwise. She made me promise not to say anything and then told me that Jake leaves hairs in the bath and also on his wooden bedroom floor with bits from his feet! Yuk!! I’ll remember that if I ever want to put myself off the lad!

I had a conversation with Philip Daly this morning too. He was just saying how Floyd’s having a party at the weekend and stuff. At least he doesn’t think I hate him anymore!

Jake only came after college today so I only got about an hour with him before he went round to Gethin’s for tea. He said if he’d gone home he’d only have had to make his brother’s tea as well as his own and his sister only eats about 3 different things which makes it difficult!

We did some quiz out of the newspaper on him and it turned out as saying he’s “somewhat feminine”!

The fact the Jake and Gethin have become such good mates is nice cos it’s better than him not getting on with my friends but it also worries me greatly! When I’m not there, I know they discuss things that they wouldn’t when I’m around! I’m a bit bothered that Gethin interfering might push Jake into taking things further with me cos it’ll shut Gethin up, rather than cos he wants to. I’m also worried that he’ll discuss stuff we’ve already done and assess it or something!

Okay, so I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!!

Bye!

Trouser equipment models – 10th & 11th June 2000

Saturday 10th I got a message from Jake this morning saying he’d been to Manchester. I think I remember him saying he was going for stuff for his Europe train thing. I don’t want him to go there either, although I don’t want to stop him!

Hayley phoned before. I said something about Jake not wanting to stay at home last night and she asked if it was his mum was worse or something. I ended up telling her what’s happened cos she’s known she’s been ill and, again, I didn’t want to lie. I still feel like I shouldn’t have said anything though.

Bye!

Sunday 11th Mum took me, Cat and Lizzie to the Sheffield Hallam open day. We got a puncture on the M62 and had to wait about 30 mins for the AA. We were 9 miles from Huddersfield (nearest place) and the AA man was from there (he said it’s good for nights out!). Mum reckons it’s a sign I should go there! At this point in time, I hope I can!

We finally arrived at Sheffield. I didn’t like the actual place much but the Collegiate Crescent campus is really nice. I think, so far, it’s my second choice after Huddersfield (if I have a choice).

We met up with an old friend of Cat’s called Claire. She seems nice. We wandered round, went to the Physiotherapy lecture then came home. I’ve decided I’m not that bothered if I don’t get to do Physiotherapy anymore.

I cut this out of a newspaper magazine cos I thought it was a bit odd the way at which some of it links with each other. →

CYMERA_20180315_172240.jpg

Jake’s Libra, I’m Scorpio, by the way. It’s probably bollocks and they probably all link if you think about them enough but never mind!

Gethin was telling me on the phone today that on Friday before we went out, Jake had been reading an FHM magazine. Apparently he’s spent most of his time looking at an article on some woman that makes blokes’ trouser equipment models out of clay and also an article on how to improve your kissing!

It’s the kissing one that interested me most cos Gethin said it was stuff about kissing necks and ears, and something about top and bottom lips. I did actually notice that Jake’s been kissing my neck and ears more recently! I’d rather he didn’t but I wonder if it FHM thing is why!!

Gethin also keeps going on about how I should get a cowboy hat etc. cos it’d really make Jake happy and that he’d do anything for me if I wore the gear! Gethin’s beginning to annoy me now by keeping on saying it but I have to say, if I had money, I’d be tempted to spend it on that!!

Bye!

We just sat there and cuddled – 9th June 2000

Friday 9th Jake sent me 2 messages in a row last night when he got in from work. I’d sent one saying how I was psyching myself up for Miss P’s lesson tomorrow and he said, “HELLO!!! : ) PSYCHED UP?! JUST SPOKEN 2 HUGO – I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BUT THE FACT THAT…” then, “YOU LOVE ME AND YOU ARE THERE FOR ME IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! I KNOW I’D BE THE SAME! I WON’T SEEM THAT UPSET COS I BOTTLE IT UP! JUST GLAD IT’S OVER! LOVE YOU xJx”.

After that message, I couldn’t help it and I just burst into tears. I am glad he said all that though cos it made me less worried about seeing him today.

At 3rd period, I was on my way to Geography and Miranda came up to me and Sarah and asked if I was Tessa. I’m so glad she came and spoke to me because she started off just asking how Jake was and then said how she was really worried about seeing Robbie cos she doesn’t want to say anything in case it upsets him but then doesn’t want to not say anything in case he thinks she doesn’t care. She told me that it’s really upset her cos she wasn’t expecting it and it hadn’t quite sunk in.

I told her that I was worried about exactly the same things and that it’d upset me too. She asked how I’d found out and told me she’d found out when she’d phoned Robbie and it’d sounded like he’d been crying and he’d told her what’d happened. She’s also got the additional worry of Clara because she’s in her year and used to be quite good friends with her.

She told me to find her if I came up with any ideas of what to say. I said the same.

I think I’ll go and find Miranda on Monday if I can and see how things went if she’s seen/spoken to Robbie. Talking to her made me feel a bit better cos it let me know that my reactions weren’t stupid or anything.

Jake came into college at lunch. He didn’t mention anything so neither did I. Bhakti came in to talk to him (very loudly!) so I went to the garage and left them to it. I’d heard her say that all his mates were waiting to see him downstairs. That’s what I wouldn’t like – everyone wanting to see you and stuff.

He was being fine with me when I got back. We just sat there and cuddled. We didn’t talk much but then we don’t really need to anymore cos the silences aren’t awkward. We hugged and kissed after college when everyone else had gone. He had to go cos he was getting his hair cut but he was coming out tonight.

We went to The Dog again but Hayley didn’t come so it was just me, Jake, Gethin and Sarah. Emma was also there with Suzanna so they came and sat with us.

Jake didn’t get as drunk as last week so we talked quite a lot. I can’t remember what started it off but he said he wouldn’t want Gethin to draw the same conclusions as he did about that Tuesday night in the holidays! He grinned at me knowingly and I apologised for playing all innocent! I told him I didn’t have my Magic 8 Ball with me but he said it didn’t matter cos it’d told him what he wanted to hear least week! He then said things like he can’t ever imagine being without me and that he wants to be with me forever. I agreed! He told me he loved me on more than one occasion too.

As usual, the Canada subject came up. He kept saying he didn’t want to go anymore cos he can’t even cope with me for a few days! I told him that I didn’t want him to go and he said that I was making him feel guilty! I started saying how I can’t help but worry that he’ll forget about me or meet someone else cos he’ll be with a load of new people whereas I won’t. He said he’d probably be paranoid too if it was the other way round but that how could he forget me?! He stressed the point that he won’t do anything with anyone else either. Good!

Again, the university conversation started. He said that we won’t split up if I don’t go to Huddersfield even if it’s a long was away. I hope he’s right but, realistically, I can’t see it happening. Anyway, hopefully I’ll end up at Huddersfield with him!

We walked back to the next village, stopping off at the Chinese and then my house to get forks. Jake and I stopped quite a few times. We were longest down that path through the trees again. All we did was kiss and cuddle but it was nice. He was moaning that he couldn’t smell cos he’s got a cold cos he said I usually smell nice and that he wanted to be able to smell it!

We stopped outside school too. We could see Sarah and Gethin so we could tell if they were getting bored. When we were there, we decided that we’re a bit hopeless really cos neither of us wanted to leave the other one!

We eventually joined Sarah and Gethin, and Sarah rang a taxi. It was late so we sat on a bench outside school and waited. Jake told me to sit on his knee and when I refused he kept saying, “please” over and over again! His excuse was cos it’d keep him warm but I still though it a bit odd! I gave in in the end though.

He seemed okay all night. You’d never have guessed that something bad’s happened to him cos he seemed quite cheerful. I thought he was more relaxed too but it could’ve just been cos he’s tired or something.

I hope he really is alright, I just can’t always tell.

Bye!

I didn’t know what to say – 8th June 2000

Thursday 8th Sarah, Gethin, Jake and I all went to the Trafford Centre this afternoon, mainly because Gethin wanted to go in Starbucks again! That’s where we ended up spending most of the day! We did wander round the shops for a while and when we were in Topshop, the lads raced over to stare at the shoe section as soon as one of them spotted a pair of cowboy style boots!

Neither of them can explain why they’ve got a thing for cowboy gear! Gethin asked Jake if he’d prefer a totally naked girl or one with cowboy stuff on to try and explain. Jake said it was totally different but eventually said cowboy stuff cos then lads can use their imagination too! It still didn’t explain the cowboy stuff though! There was also a poster of a model in a cowboy hat and bikini which they wanted to take down and put in the car to take home with them!

Jake dropped us all off at home on the way back and left me until last. By then I was still getting phone calls from Hugo as I had been doing all afternoon. I didn’t think anything of it cos Jake had his phone switched off and Hugo usually rings me if he can’t get through to Jake’s phone. I also didn’t think much of the fact the Jake wouldn’t let me answer it cos I know he doesn’t particularly like me talking to Hugo, probably for fear that he’s going to tell me stuff I don’t need to know!

Anyway, just as I was about to get out of the car when he pulled up by my house, he explained why he hadn’t wanted me to speak to Hugo. He told me that his mum died this morning and that he wanted me to hear it from him first rather than Hugo.

I was just totally shocked because he seemed so cheerful today and I didn’t think it would happen quite this soon either. I didn’t know what to say. I think I just said, “Has she?” first of all because I couldn’t quite believe it. He just said how he doesn’t really like talking about it so I said, “Fair enough” or something and gave him a hug cos he asked for one. We had a quick snog but his watch beeped and made us laugh so I went home.

It’s still not really sunk in. He just told me in such an “Oh by the way…” type way too. That was one of the last things I expected him to have told me after such a good day out. He also told me that he wasn’t “mega-upset” or anything.

I spoke to Hugo briefly this evening. He said he’d spoken to Jake who’d told him I looked a bit “shell-shocked” when he told me. Hugo also said that he hadn’t expected it either and that Jake’s probably not “mega-upset” because he knew it was going to happen and it was just more the when that was worrying him because of exams and stuff. Hugo also reckons it’s a bit of a weight off Jake’s shoulders too.

Apparently his sister, Clara, and their dad are most upset and they left it a while before telling Robbie because he had exams today. I think Hugo said that they’re not sure when they’re going to have the funeral because of all the exams and stuff but he was breaking up so I didn’t quite catch that bit.

Hugo repeated that Jake doesn’t tell many people about it because he doesn’t want them to think he’s doing it for attention. I wouldn’t think that but I know what he means. I’ve hesitated when deciding whether to tell people certain stuff before now for the same reason.

It took me ages to get round to telling my mum tonight. For a start, I didn’t know when or what to say to her so I just said it during Eastenders. I thought she was going to cry but she managed to control it and kept asking how Jake was. I had to say I didn’t know cos I really don’t. She kept saying how she felt sorry for them all, especially his dad.

I felt guilty telling her cos I don’t feel like I should cos it feels like it’s not my place to say cos it’s none of my business but she wouldn’t have found out another way soon, and if she’d have found out from someone else in the future somehow then she’d wonder why I hadn’t said anything now. I sort of had to tell her really.

I also told Abby because she’s known what went on before and if I hadn’t said something, Mum might’ve done. I’m assuming Dad knows too. I don’t think any of them’ll say anything to anyone.

Sarah rang me before and starting asking if I know why Hugo had been trying to phone so much (he also rang her, probably to get hold of me). I didn’t tell her at first cos, again, I didn’t feel like I should and also I didn’t want her to think I was trying to get attention if she thought I was upset (which is why I can see why Jake thinks that). She asked again later in the conversation and also if I thought something bad had happened so I sort of had to tell her then. I felt a bit guilty again.

She sent me a message before saying she’d had to tell her mum because she’d looked upset when she’d finished talking to me and her mum wanted to know why. Her dad probably knows now too but she says they won’t tell anyone else and neither will she.

Hayley phoned before. I didn’t tell her. Apparently Andy’s seeing another girl. I can’t say I didn’t expect it!

Hugo rang again just now. I’ve been on the phone to him for about 45 minutes! He can’t half talk, that lad!! We were just talking about Jake again as well as other subjects such as Hugo having a squirrel in his exam room! He also told me that Jake’s said he’s snogged about 20 people! That was one of those pieces of information I could’ve done without knowing!

I keep getting upset a bit at various intervals, although I feel like if Jake doesn’t seem that upset (which he probably is) then why should I be?

I think I need to get some sleep.

Bye!

He’s just got good taste, that’s all!! – 6th & 7th June 2000

Tuesday 6th Well, I successfully failed my first Biology module exam this afternoon! Hardly any of the stuff I’d revised was on the bloody paper! Typical!! I’ll just have to re-sit!

I need to see Jake! I just want a hug and a decent kiss off him! The problem is, 4 days is nothing compared to how long we’re going to be apart in the future! He sent Gethin a message today which included the words, “I MISS TESS!” Actually, that could’ve been one that he sent him last night that Gethin just decided to show me.

I found out that Philip Daly (Floyd’s brother in Year 7!) has admitted he’s bisexual and that he fancies Jake. I felt really sorry for him cos he’s been worrying that I hate him cos of that so I made sure I let him know that I didn’t! He’s just got good taste, that’s all!!

I’ve been reading the leaflet that came with the Dianette. There are tons of side effects. They’re all horrible blood clot things, weight gain, severe depression and stuff! I’m a bit worried actually!

Bye!

Wednesday 7th I was reunited with Jake again today! 🙂 There’s not really much to tell though. I only got quick kisses, no snogs, but at least I saw him! He had a Physics exam this afternoon (which he came out of saying he’d failed! I know the feeling!!) so he was revising this morning. There was one section in his textbook that involved the name ‘Bond’ and the word ‘tesla’ (whatever that is!) and he said he can remember that bit because it’s like Lizzie Bond and me!

Abby’s now going out with Connor Benson from kickboxing. His best mate, Chris T from kickboxing who she originally fancied, doesn’t know yet! I sense trouble! Wonder why?!

Bye!

I denied all knowledge of the stains – 5th June 2000

Monday 5th I got some more messages off Jake in the night. I’d been lying in bed, thinking about stuff we’d done together over the time we’ve been going out so I sent him a message asking if he was still awake and then which night together he thought was best. He replied, “I’M AWAKE! HMMM IT WOULD EITHER BE LAST TUES AT GETH’S, THE FRI YOU LEANT ME YOUR FLEECE, THE NIGHT WE MET – HAPPIEST NIGHT EVER! – OR FRI BUT I’D WANT TO DO IT AGAIN SO I COULD CHEER U UP! WHY? xJx”.

I told him I’d just been wondering and then said that we never know what’s going to happen and we might have even better nights yet to come! He said, “I HOPE SO!!! : ) IF THAT WAS THE WORST IT’S GONNA GET I CAN LIVE WITH IT! I’M GLAD WE’VE TAKEN THINGS AS WE HAVE COS THERE’S NO RUSH! I LOVE YOU xxx JAKE xxx”.

I hope we’ve not spoken too soon saying that the worst night was on Friday and stuff! I told him I’m glad we haven’t rushed it too and then asked how come he’s so patient cos other lads usually push girls to go all the way pretty quickly. He said, “DON’T KNOW COS I’M NOT THE PATIENT TYPE! THEN AGAIN I’VE LEARNT A LOT ABOUT MYSELF! NEVER THOUGHT I’D FIND SOMEONE I LOVED THIS MUCH!! YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO LOSE! xJx”.

I really can’t believe he loves me!! 🙂 He makes me so happy!! The way this has all gone and is still going is one of those relationships where, if we were in a soap opera, it’d be going really well and then something bad happens! I hope it doesn’t end up like a Titanic or Romeo and Juliet sort of ending!!

Sorry, that’s so negative! I mean, things like this have gone well and have lasted forever for other people so why shouldn’t it for us?! It just all seems too good to be true at the moment!

Anyway, I sent him another message telling him to let me know if his patience ever definitely runs out. He then said, “OK BUT I DON’T THINK IT WILL! I MIGHT WANT AN ‘EVEN BETTER NIGHT’ BEFORE I GO TO A PLACE I’M NOT GONNA SAY THE NAME OF!? DO YOU BELIEVE IN FATE?! xJx”.

I told him I wasn’t sure about fate but that I was sure he might not be the only one who might want an ‘even better night’ before he goes to Canada! I am getting to the stage now where I might want to take things further with him. It’s only really the fear of the possible consequences that’s stopping me.

This morning he texted me and told me that he’d asked if I believed in fate cos he thinks we were meant to be together. He could be right!

It was back to college today unfortunately! Gethin was announcing very loudly to people that he’s got to wash his brother’s sheets cos of them being covered in stains! He’d narrowed it down to me and Jake somehow but I denied all knowledge of the stains and even lied to Sarah that nothing had happened. I suppose I just don’t want people to make a fuss/take the piss/think I’m showing off or anything. Some people just don’t get that I’d rather keep stuff to myself.

Sarah eventually found out that on Friday night, Gethin had discovered the stains and apparently he and Jake had been laughing and joking about how they got there but then, as soon as Gethin suggested it could have been me and Jake, Jake went bright red and said it had nowt to do with me. When I acted all innocent on the subject today, Gethin drew his own conclusions that Jake had been entertaining himself so I got annoyed with Gethin for interfering and warned Jake about what Gethin thought. Jake started worrying, saying that he’d never even consider doing that in someone else’s bed and that he’d never be able to show his face around college if Gethin told people his theory! He sent Gethin a message then to deny it and I had a go at Gethin so he said he was sorry. He should just leave it now.

I need to see Jake!! I don’t know how the hell I’m going to cope when we’re apart for longer! He kept saying he missed me in messages and stuff today.

Bye!