On the verge of madness – 13th January 2001

Saturday 13th
11 weeks + 5 days to go!

I spent most of today worrying a lot cos Jake said on the phone last night that he’d try and e-mail me last night when he got in from skiing but he didn’t. Then at 4:00pm (the time when he said he’d try to ring me), he didn’t phone so that made me worry even more. I couldn’t stop crying and thinking what the hell I’d do if something happened to him.

It was pathetic – I couldn’t eat or concentrate and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d have felt better if I’d have known I could contact him if I needed to but I can’t.

So, I’d just convinced myself that he was either dead, in a mood cos I hung up so quickly yesterday or in a hospital somewhere, when he rang. I heard my mum say, “Thank God you’ve phoned!” so I knew who it was.

I can’t go on like this for 3 months. If he doesn’t ring or something, I’ll be on the verge of madness through worrying. It’s an awful feeling not knowing but I think the feeling of helplessness cos he’s so far away made me worse. It really worried me, the state I got myself into. I just couldn’t stay calm.

I was so relieved to hear his voice that all the anger I’d had before I picked up the phone (cos he left me worrying like that) went away. It was about 5:30pm our time/10:30am his time so he’d just got up.

He told me the computers in the hotel weren’t working or something but he knew there were other places he could use so he’d e-mail me later. He said that Rob that he’s sharing a room with has got a girlfriend too so they went to some English pub last night. He then said that all the girls seem to have found lads.

One of the lads there knows who Jake is because he’s a friend of Hugo Pratt. Scary! Jake said he lost his orange glasses in the snow when he was skiing yesterday and that he didn’t ring me sooner cos his alarm didn’t go off to wake him up. He also said it’s -15oC there now. I didn’t want him to get off the phone but he had to get the last bus to the ski place or he couldn’t go skiing.

I checked my e-mail before I went to bed tonight and I was very pleased to see he’d sent me this! →

13-01-01 Jake email

It didn’t actually say much and didn’t sound like one he’d send normally so I guessed he’d had someone with him. I sent him one back anyway.

Then when I was in bed before I before, I just got a missed call on my phone but no number came up when I checked. Then I had a call from the voicemail service saying I had a new message. It was Jake’s voice saying he’d e-mailed me but someone had been with him so he didn’t want to write anything too personal cos there was someone else there reading it. He said he’d try and send me another one later and that he loved me before saying bye and hanging up.

I was really annoyed I’d missed the call but at least I can keep his voice for 7 days!


P.S. My reply! →

13-01-01 Tess email


Then Jake had a nosebleed – 2nd to 3rd January 2001

[Oh, God. I knew this was coming up soon and have been dreading it. It took me a while to to even read the diary entry in full, never mind type it up. Probably best you don’t read it really. Ok, bye!]

Tuesday 2nd to Wednesday 3rd This evening, Jake and I plus Sarah, Lizzie, Cat, Karen, Gethin, Floyd and Hayley all went for a Chinese meal at Cathay Dim Sum at the Trafford Centre. We got a big banquet and it was really good apart from Hayley who wouldn’t try anything until she realised that if she had her own dish she’d have to pay less (but ate ours anyway), the stingy cow!

After the food, we all went to The Dog. It was sort of Jake’s leaving do so we had to go there for it’s like tradition now!

Hayley and I had some messages off Michael Amhurst arranging to meet up while he’s staying around here.

After Jake dropped everyone at home, we headed back to the Trafford Centre because he booked a room at the Travel Inn there for us. We wouldn’t have been able to stay anywhere on New Year’s Eve so we did it now instead. We were in room number 3 on the bottom floor which is the 2nd window to the right of reception, I think.

We had the TV on for a bit and just cuddled on the bed but Jake switched it off so we could talk instead. I was pretty tired and kept almost dosing off. I wouldn’t have done cos I was a bit nervous about what might happen later though. Even so, Jake kept telling me that I wasn’t allowed to fall asleep so he obviously wanted something to happen.

We both got into our pyjamas and brushed our teeth and stuff before switching the lights off and getting into bed. We kissed and stuff for a bit and then he reached for his toilet bag. At that point, my stomach started tying itself in knots!

He asked if I wanted to give it a go. I could very easily have chickened out but I forced myself to say yes cos deep down I wanted to so I didn’t want to let nerves stop me! He told me that he was nervous too and that it didn’t matter if it was a total disaster! That made me feel quite a lot better actually!

We were just kissing to begin with. It was about 2am by this time but I just wasn’t tired anymore. It must have been the adrenaline or something! I was kind of wanting him to just hurry up so we could just do it and get it over with!

We did in the end. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought it’d be but it still wasn’t brilliant! It seemed to be over really quickly and he apologised. I didn’t really know why he’d said sorry so I asked him a few minutes later when we were just lying there. He took ages to think how he could say it and there were a lot of erms and ums before he said we just need a bit more practice.

We just lay there for ages and I might possibly have dosed off for a bit but there was a point when we were both awake and Jake asked if I wanted to give it another go. I ended up saying no because I’d been bleeding a tiny bit. I think that’s normal but me, being me, worried about it a bit anyway!

A bit later on, I woke up and felt a wet patch on my head. I had no idea what it was until I turned to Jake and saw him crying. I thought at first it was because I’d said no but then he explained it was because he doesn’t want to go to Canada.

We both fell asleep in the end and, when we woke up this morning, we stayed in bed for ages, just cuddling. We eventually had to get out of bed when the cleaners started going round the rooms. One knocked on our door but we had loads of time left before we had to go so she went away again.

Then Jake had a nosebleed. I think it was because he’d been blowing his nose a lot to try and clear it cos he’s got a cold but it was quite a bad one

When we got back to my house, we took Mollie for a walk and then collapsed on my bed. We just chatted and stuff.

This evening, we went round to Floyd’s for a bit and then later I got a message from Jake saying he’s sorry and that he feels stupid. I think he was referring to last night so I reassured him it wasn’t that bad and he seemed to cheer up a bit!


Lying lost and injured (or worse!) – 4th July 2000

Tuesday 4th I didn’t go to college today cos Mum made me stay at home cos I’ve got a really, really sore throat. So, because I’ve been bored all day, I’ve had plenty of time to worry!

You see, I’ve not heard from Jake at all since yesterday lunch and I sent him 2 more messages today which he hasn’t replied to. There could be plenty of reasons why he’s not answered, the most likely reason being that he’s got no signal or his sim card’s blocked cos I know Gethin sent him a couple of messages last night and he’s only got one space on his phone cos the other 9 are taken up with ones from me that he doesn’t want to delete! Or maybe his phone’s just been in the bottom of his bag.

Then there are the more unlikely reasons that are constantly at the back of my mind. For example, he’s been mugged and his phone’s got nicked and he’s lying lost and injured (or worse!) in some place in the middle of nowhere or something else bad has happened to him, like if he fell of that hill he said he was on yesterday!

I’d just have thought if there was a problem with his mobile then he’d find a payphone or something to ring me from cos that’s what I did when I was skiing, just to let him know. Also, he told me on Sunday that he’d ring me in the next couple of days. To me, a couple means 2 and correct me if I’m wrong but Tuesday is a couple of days after Sunday!

I’ve been tempted to ring him to see if the Orange woman tells me his phone’s switched off or whatever but if he answered, I’d feel daft for worrying so much as well as I’d lose quite a bit of calling credit! Mind you, he couldn’t complain about me worrying cos I seem to remember Cat telling me that someone told her that the night I didn’t ring him while I was skiing, he was sat in Paris, clutching his phone saying, “Why isn’t she ringing? She always rings around this time!” and stuff!

Oh God! I can’t stand this!! I’m really missing him and miss getting nice messages off him all the time, and the fact that he’s not been in touch at all today is not helping matters!

I keep telling myself that I’m being stupid worrying like this but then I keep remembering TV programmes like 999 where the people on them have always said that, “It’s the sort of thing that you think only happens to other people but it could happen to you too” and stuff like that!

Usually writing stuff down in here makes me feel better but putting this lot on paper is having very much the opposite effect! 😦