It’s all completely in her head – 22nd September 1999

Wednesday 22nd Freda and Cat gave me reasons as to why Twisted Girl’s not speaking to me but I’ve got to pretend I don’t know because I don’t want to drop them in it for telling me what she told them.

At break, I was sat on a bench with Freda and Twisted Girl walked past with Georgia Dean. She spotted Freda talking to me, glared and carried on walking. Freda said she could tell she was being slagged off by Hayley and continued to tell me what was going on.

She told me that Hayley said I keep putting her down in front of people. Has she got that confused that she’s mixing my actions up with hers?! According to her, I said she was going to fail her driving test. I didn’t say anything as straight up as that but we were joking with each other that it takes some people years to pass and she knew it was a joke. She also told Freda that I laugh a lot whenever Aled’s skitting someone. That I don’t deny but I don’t do it all the time and it’s not just me either.

To Cat, she said the same plus that I make snidey comments about her jewellery and clothes. Now that is a complete lie and she either knows it and that I can’t prove I didn’t say it, or it’s all completely in her head. As I keep saying….. twisted!!!

The next reason for her to go in a mood will be this weekend. There’s a cinema trip on Friday with me, Oscar, Cat and a few others and there’s one on Saturday with Sarah, Hayley and Rani. Freda was going on Saturday but she’s decided she’d rather come with us. Can you see where this is all going to lead? It’ll be my fault for manipulating Freda into coming with us or summit.

Another clue into whether I like Aled or not came when I found out he can’t come to the cinema with us. He’s got ice hockey I think. I was extremely disappointed. Also, when I saw him heading off into the distance with Julian Olsen after school, I was disappointed I missed him.

Abby saw Paul ‘Nutter’ Nutt on a bus after school today. She says he’s had his lip pierced, he’s making teeth or something as a job in an industrial park opposite Sainsbury’s, and he got a couple of Cs and then Fs and Us in his exams.

I was trying to be nice to Rani today coz I felt guilty about yesterday. Also, for safety purposes, I removed this page out of my notebook that Zoe wrote.

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BYE!

I just think I’m too good for everyone – 20th September 1999

Monday 20th Once again, Hayley’s back to being her bitchy old self! I’m not sure, as usual, what I’ve done but I have my suspicions that the background reason is Saturday but the reason she’s using is that on Friday I was messing about with a Magic 8-Ball keyring. We were asking it stupid questions about lads and stuff so when Hayley came over, I asked it if she’d get a boyfriend. I was only joking because her family are winding her up about getting one and she’s joked about it herself.

We were asking equally insulting questions – as jokes – about other people but because of the foul mood Hayley’s been in recently, she went all moody and started saying about how sometimes you can just take things too far. I didn’t realise it was such a touchy subject. Actually, it probably isn’t. It’s probably just another excuse to have a go at me.

I don’t even know if it was that which started it off because when she commented (nastily) about Aled seeming to be my ‘new best mate’ today. I asked her what I’ve done this time and she said summit like, “I can’t believe you don’t know.” I’ve also been told by Lizzie and Oscar that, on separate occasions, she said that I just think I’m too good for everyone.

Bollocks! What is her problem? I have reasons to believe it could be a slight touch of jealousy because I’ve been getting on with Aled quite well. She may have taken it the wrong way and be thinking that something may develop. I suspect this because of the comment she made about ‘best mates’ and also because, after school at this Young Enterprise meeting, Oscar asked me if I liked Aled. I asked Oscar what he meant by ‘liked’. He meant do I fancy him? I said I didn’t and asked what made him say that. He told me that Hayley had told him that it was obvious I fancied him or something. Is this her subtle approach of scaring him off me by getting a message across though his mates? I wonder!

Quite a few people (e.g. Zoe, Lizzie, Bridget, Aled, Oscar and a few others) have said she is being pathetic and Aled and his mates are even beginning to put bets on when she’ll speak and not speak to me! If they get it right they could make quite a lot!

I was volunteered by someone to go with a group of people from our year to answer some questions for some woman about getting our exam scripts back but when we finished and I went back to Geography, there was no-one there. I went in the college and Aled welcomed me with an, “Ah good, someone to talk to!” and told me Mrs C wasn’t in so we had no lesson.

I saw Trotter a few times today. He still keeps looking at me. Once was in the canteen when we were in the sandwich queue and the other was when a group of College 2s were stood about upstairs. He kept doing it then too. I think he’s alright looking but Abby insists he’s really nasty personality-wise. He has got slightly evil eyes too!

BYE!

Why can’t they just grow up? – 10th & 11th February 1999

Wednesday 10th We had the Year 11 photo done this morning. I think most people I know or want to remember where on it.

We also think that, later on in the year, they do ones with groups of friends or summit and Hayley said she heard Lindsey Bullman say, “Well, Hayley’s not being on it and Tessa’s definitely not.” Bitch! It’s so bloody annoying! I won’t go into that again or I’ll be writing for ages.

Nutter was stood grinning at me when I came out of Maths and, as usual, I pretended I hadn’t seen him but then Lizzie said, “Look Tess, it’s Paul” so that was embarrassing. Although, I forgot that when I got outside coz I walked past Ewan and he smiled at me for no reason. Daft I know! Nutter was also asking Hayley if he should send me a Valentine’s card. She told him not to coz I’d get embarrassed or summit.

That’s another thing that’s bothering me about not being particularly good friends with Emma anymore – the fact that she’s getting more friendly with people like Ewan. I’m worried she’ll say summit horrible about me to him. There’s so much that could go wrong with this situation.

BYE!

Thursday 11th Rachael’s still dragging Freda into her pathetic little thing against me and Hayley. She apparently marched up to Freda at lunch and asked her if I’d been getting her to spy on them. Why can’t they just grow up?

Freda pushed me into Ewan at last break. It was so embarrassing. We’d just smiled at each other and Freda shoved me. I just managed to gain my balance before I fell into him. I daren’t look back as he was walking off. It’s a good job I didn’t actually touch him, I dunno what I’d have said!

As for the friendship photos, they’re actually coming up pretty soon. All the bitchy lot keep saying (loudly) things like, “So Rachael, have you got all seven names down?” If Hayley and I had been included, there’d be 9, you see.

Freda and Cat Elliot etc. asked if Hayley and I wanted to go on their photo so we are doing. So’s Emma actually but only coz that makes up the full group. At least they think about everyone and don’t leave people out unlike some people I can think of. […and that’s why I’m still friends with most of that lovely lot.]

BYE!

Why can’t she just live a little? – 3rd-7th February 1999

Wednesday 3rd I told Emma about Nutter’s phone call last night and 1st thing this morning she went over to him and said, “Right, number 1 – Don’t phone Tess again coz her dad always answers and it’s embarrassing. And number 2 – She’s flattered but she doesn’t feel the same way.” Hopefully he’s got it into his head completely that I don’t like him now.

The field trip was boring but better than school. We just visited different areas of Warrington and compared them. I was in Ewan’s group but he didn’t speak to me at all.

After school I had a flute lesson so I was hanging about. Emma wanted to go to the shop to see Davis but she asked everyone except me. Afterwards, when everyone’d gone home, she was being pretty normal again.

BYE!

Friday 5th I can’t believe it! Rachael Hollins actually spoke to me normally today and called me Tess. What’s going on?!

None of them have been quite as bad this week and Hayley agrees. We know they’re planning to all go on holiday together and that Georgia’s having a sleepover at some point but, other than that, they’ve be been okay. Although that could be to do with the fact that every day this week there’s been at least one of them missing. I don’t know.

Emma asked me today if I’d been getting Freda to spy on them in lessons. I didn’t know what she was on about and she wouldn’t tell me who’d said that. I wonder who did. Yes, Freda has been letting me know if someone said summit but that’s all and I didn’t actually ask her to.

Adrian Ford keeps smiling and saying “Hi Tess” to me and stuff. I’m suspicious coz he hasn’t done that before. Well, not since he thought I fancied Ewan anyway.

I’ve not seen Ewan much this week actually. I was talking to Ed in C Block after school and he came in and looked like he was coming over to say summit but he smiled and walked off. I’m not so sure if what Emma said on Tuesday is true.

BYE!

Sunday 7th I’m so bored. I’m just not in the mood for doing homework and I’ve not got any friends who want to do anything. Hayley is so boring. She never wants to do anything fun. She wouldn’t even come to the Trafford Centre with me today. I think she likes staying in on her own. She’ll only ever go out if it’s to the Sports Club.

I was just saying that it’s be good to go to Mr Smith’s or anywhere like that sometime but she won’t have any of it. She worries more than I do. Even when she’s been asked to sleepovers and things in the past she hasn’t gone. Why can’t she just live a little?

I really am in need of a good time but I’m stuck for friends at the moment. I just want Emma to start ringing me again at weekends but I think there’s little chance of that happening. I don’t want to phone her either coz I don’t want to get accused of being “clingy” or anything again. Well, I hope she’s bored too.

That’s another annoying thing. Everyone else seems to have friends out of school except me. I’ve got nothing to look forward to either. There’s nothing good coming up at all. I know I’m not going to enjoy the holidays coz it’s just going to be like an extended weekend with nothing going on. Most other people probably have nothing to do either but I can’t help but feel that everyone else is out enjoying themselves whether they are or not. Emma said she wasn’t doing anything this weekend but I don’t actually know if I believe what she says anymore.

BYE!

I’m pissed off with them all – 31st January 1999

Sunday 31st Okay, an update on what’s been happening over the last few days with my friends.

THURSDAY 28th
Hayley wasn’t in school coz she was ill too. Emma was being pretty alright again. I think she was feeling a bit guilty about what she’d said but I’m not too sure. I still kept my distance as much as I could.

FRIDAY 29th
Hayley was back and my so-called friends went back to being what’s become normal with us. We’ve noticed that they’re worse with us when they’re all together and after lunch when they’ve just been in a big group. They were still not doing anything which would look obvious to anyone outside the group but it’s bloody obvious to me and Hayley.

So, we went to the Sports Club and made ourselves feel better by having a good moan about them all. Those girls from the other high school where there too we talked to them quite a bit.

SATURDAY 30th
Whilst Hayley and I were babysitting her nieces, Ed’s sister was having her 18th birthday party which both Alice Croft and Ewan were at. I hope nowt happened even though I don’t particularly like him anymore.

But the main thing last night that we were missing out on was Lindsey Bullman’s sleepover. Again, Hayley and I weren’t invited but everyone else (including that bitch Emma) was. I can’t say I’m too pleased about that, however I’m pissed off with them all.

TODAY
Well, so far today I’ve been stuck at home. I’m not exactly having fun at the moment.

BYE!

I CAN TAKE IT! – 27th January 1999

Wednesday 27th I didn’t go to school today coz I had a really sore throat when I woke up this morning. I’ve probably caught it off Hayley coz she’s not well again and was coughing everywhere yesterday. She didn’t go to school either today. I know coz I phoned her before.

I’ve been thinking all day about how to react to everyone at school. I’ll carry on as normal with everyone except Emma. I’ll keep my distance from her. She also said yesterday that she didn’t want to fall out with me. Well, she doesn’t seem to care much to me. Providing she hasn’t moved places, I’m sat next to her in most lessons so I’ll just try and act normally then and talk to her like I usually do but at breaks and lunch I’ll go and talk to people who she’s not with.

Above all though, in general I’ve got to act like I’m not bothered and stay chilled. Also, if anyone does anything, I’ve got to bite my tongue if it’s anything that annoys me coz any little outbursts could make matters worse. Especially with Emma coz she really hurt my feelings yesterday and it gets so tempting just to tell her what I think of her at the moment. I’ve really got to control myself coz she’s got everyone on her side and I don’t want any of them to have a real excuse to fall out with us. As far as I can tell, it’s them that’s in the wrong, not me and Hayley.

I’ve also been trying to think positive about the situation. I’ve been telling myself that it’s bound to end eventually one way or another and that school is only 6 hours a day and that if it’s not over by the end of the year, hopefully it’ll change when we leave school.

Also, it’s not just me, it’s Hayley too at the moment so I can still go places with her after school and I’m still mates with people like Freda, Cat and Lizzie for the time being.

I keep saying to myself that I can take it. It’s been making me feel better for some reason. My Auntie S was the one who got me thinking like that coz she said it at Xmas when everyone was threatening to do things to her on her 40th birthday. Hayley’s been getting really upset about it all and I’ve been telling her what I’ve been telling myself. We can take it.

Emma phoned again this morning like she did yesterday to tell me she wasn’t walking round to school. I think she’s using the excuse of her dad having to leave early coz she just doesn’t want to be seen with me. We’ll see.

With all this me-being-too-clingy thing, I’ve felt like that myself with people before such as Rachael Hollins and Hayley and it’s passed eventually but I’m not sure it will with Emma coz she’s following the crowd and they don’t want me either. At least I can still talk to Hayley.

I CAN TAKE IT!

BYE!

“How would you kiss Tess?!” – 26th January 1999

Tuesday 26th It’s nearly 2 weeks since this business with my friends started. I was just thinking last night that it was starting to get back to normal. Well, I thought too soon, didn’t I?

It’s Emma now. I knew this would happen that she wouldn’t want to be associated with the unpopular ones (me and Hayley) so she ignores me to get in with the bigger crowd. I’ve noticed it recently (but I didn’t think much of it) that she too has been being a bit off with me when we’re all together but fine on our own.

Then today at lunch, she went to dump her bag so I went with her coz there was nobody else about and usually she wants me to. Today though she said, “You’re like a little sheep, you, following me about.” I knew what she was getting at even though she said it jokingly. Then at last break, everyone (except me and Hayley) was jumping about and hugging each other until we went over and they went all still and quiet and talked about summit like homework.

So I, being irritated by it, confronted Emma in French and asked her if she had some sort of problem with me. She refused to say at first but then came out with, “I need my space.” So in Swing Band I asked her what she meant by it and she told me to stop being so clingy. The thing is, I haven’t been any more “clingy” than I usually have, it’s just because she wants to split off from me that she sees it that way. I’ve just been normal.

She actually admitted that she wanted to stay friends with the group and, when I asked her what was up with them, she said that they hadn’t actually said it but it was because I just don’t get on with them.

That’s the problem though and this is what I don’t understand because neither Hayley nor I have fallen out with any of them. For some reason they’ve just taken a dislike to us. Well, with Emma it’s purely for selfish reasons and she’d better not think I’ll forget this. I know plenty of things about her that she’d rather people didn’t know as well. I’m not going to turn really nasty though unless I’m forced to coz it wouldn’t really be doing me any favours.

Freda also mentioned that Lindsey Bullman [A known megabitch.] was having a sleepover this weekend and I’ve not heard anything about it. She also told me that the group of them who are going to The Corrs concert on Monday actually didn’t want Hayley to go and wanted Olivia to go instead. So they were going to find some way of making her drop out.

Then, after Freda told me this, they decided they were going to go to a club in Manchester after the concert and, when Hayley asked her parents, she wasn’t allowed to go so she sold her ticket to Emma. Hayley said today that none of them had mentioned a club after Emma bought the ticket and she thought that they only said they were going so she’d drop ou+t. I didn’t tell her what Freda said coz it’s probably linked and I don’t want to prove her right coz it’d upset her more. Plus Freda is a good little informant and I don’t want to drop her in it. [Yes, good old Freda.]

I’ve just been on the phone to Hayley now and we’ve decided that at least it’s not just one of us left out and we’ve agreed that it’s not our fault as to why this has happened. She said she feels like she has to try really hard to get included in conversations and she feels like she has to be extra nice to them all. I know what she means. Why us, hey?

[Ugh. I really feel for teenage me. I remember this episode and it was horrible being left out of things for no apparent reason by a whole group of girls that I thought were my friends, especially when Emma was involved.

I know a few girls that this sort of thing happened to over the years at school. It seems so cruel. Did boys ever do this to each other?

I was lucky that I had other good mates in Cat, Lizzie, Sarah, Hayley, Freda etc. but it was still awful going to school every day, not knowing what would be said or done to upset you next. It almost made Paul Nutt a welcome distraction!…]

Another thing that I’ve got to worry about is Paul Nutt. Three people have warned me now that he’s going to ask me out. First was Abby. She and Jacqueline Robson went to his house last night again and he said he might send me a Valentine’s card and he might ask me out. He also told them that he might get his lip pierced but I think he changed his mind when Jac asked, “How would you kiss Tess?!” Yuk!

Then Emma (stupid bitch) said to him, “Are you going to ask Tess out?” and he said he was.

Lastly, Hayley said that in Drama he’d said to her, “You’re Tessa’s friend, aren’t you?” Then he asked her what she thought I’d say if he asked me out. She said she sort of stuttered her way to a sort of no but he still said, “I will, I’ll do it.”

What am I gonna say to him? How can I say no nicely? Oh well, at least someone likes me!

BYE!