He had his hand down my top for all of 2 minutes! – 28th May 2000

Sunday 28th Abby’s b’day!

Sarah had a little all-night gathering at her house tonight which involved her, Gethin, Hayley, Floyd, Jake and me. We all got pretty drunk pretty quickly so it was quite a good laugh. Jake stayed on one of the sofas pretty much all night so I stayed there with him.

Due to music being played pretty much throughout the night, Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden kept coming on so is yet another song that’s going to remind me of Jake. [Ugh… Vom.]

Every time I tried to get up, Jake tried to stop me. I like it when he doesn that cos it means he wants me to stay!

Hayley went all suicidal at one point so I had to go and sort her out. All I really wanted to do was go back to Jake but I didn’t for fear of later finding her swinging on the end of a rope from the ceiling or something. Gethin and Sarah also had a word with her and she seemed to cheer up a bit, especially when Andy answered her call.

Floyd was pretty happy all night because on Thursday night he’d been rolling round on Brian’s bedroom flood with Cat apparently!

Sarah was kept happy once she’d snogged Gethin in her bed! Gethin was just being his normal mad self!

I was happy to be with Jake but when it got light this morning, I was left slightly frustrated cos we hadn’t got any further than just kissing, except when he had his hand down my top for all of 2 minutes! I can’t believe we wasted the opportunity to do more. Even Sarah and Gethin did and we’ve been going out for well over 3 months! Oh well, maybe next time if there is one. I really would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by that night. I’ll know not to get my hopes up next time, I suppose!

Jake did say “Love you” once this morning and said something about wanting to eat my arm. I think he meant in an affectionate way, not just because he’d had no breakfast! He’s also decided he likes my nose. He says it’s cute, especially when I screw it up when he goes to kiss it or touch it!

He looked very cute this morning! He had Wallace and Gromit pyjamas on and his hair had gone all fluffy! He looked like a little kid!

I got a message from Jake when I got home and it said something about me needing to get beauty sleep. Charming! He then sent me another to explain, “I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT YOU DIDN’T NEED BEAUTY SLEEP BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY BEAUTIFUL BUT I COULDN’T FIT IT IN THE MESSAGE! I BETTER NOT GO TO GETHIN’S TONIGHT OR MY DAD WILL MOAN AT ME FOR GOING OUT FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW + NOT REVISING!”

Liar! I still don’t know what he sees in me at all!

I sent him a message before asking if he was going to round to Gethin’s tonight and I said that I was still really tired but would go if he was. He said, “OK! HAYLEY AND GETHIN HAVE JUST RUNG ME – THEY ARE COOKING! I’LL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY IF WE GO SHOPPING?? P.S. I’M FLATTERED YOU WOULD GO IF I WAS GOING! : ) LOVE xJx”.

After that but a bit later on, I sent him a message apologising for falling asleep at Sarah’s! He sent me one back saying, “IT’S OK! JUST BEING WITH YOU MAKES IT A GOOD NIGHT! EVEN IF YOU ARE ASLEEP! YOU WOULD ONLY FEEL WORSE NOW IF YOU HADN’T FALLEN ASLEEP!! LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

He also sent another saying that I looked really cute when I’m asleep and that he wouldn’t want to wake me up after I told him he should’ve done. I also said that it had been a good night but admitted that I felt it’d been slightly wasted. He said, “OH WELL WE’LL GET ALL NIGHT TOGETHER AT GETHIN’S SO I’LL MAKE SURE YOU DON’T FALL ASLEEP! WE MIGHT GET A LITTLE MORE PRIVACY AND A COMFIER BED TOO?!! LOVE xJx”.

I told him that in order to get more privacy we might have to get Sarah to keep Gethin occupied! Jake said, “YES! – I’M SURE SHE WON’T MIND GOING ALONG WITH THAT!! WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO ROUND? BETTER MAKE SURE SARAH IS THERE AT THE SAME TIME! LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!! : ) xJx”.

I did reply to that one but he didn’t send any back for a couple of hours. I assumed he’d fallen asleep for the night but then at 11:33 pm I got a message from him saying, “I LOVE YOU! NIGHT NIGHT! : ) xJx”. That’s all it said but it didn’t half make me smile!



I hid under my umbrella – 26th May 2000

Friday 26th I had a doctor’s appointment this morning cos my skin seems to be going bad again. I also asked him about a rash I seem to have on my head which is making my hair come out more than normal but he said it’s nothing to worry about cos I’ve got really healthy hair!

For my skin though, he’s decided to change from my usual antibiotics to a contraceptive pill. It begins with a D but I can’t remember the name. I’m just a bit worried about some of the side effects it might have. We’ll have to wait and see, I suppose.

I walked to the doctor’s this morning and on my way past school I saw Jake’s car with someone that looked like him leaning on the passenger side, looking in. I hid under my umbrella cos I had no make-up on and didn’t want him to see me! I don’t know if it was even him cos I’m sure he had a Geography exam on.

Hayley, Sarah, Gethin, Jake and I all went to The Dog tonight. It was pretty similar to last week really, with Gethin and Sarah getting on well, Jake and I cuddling each other and chatting, and Hayley sat in the corner looking thoroughly miserable and playing Snake on Sarah’s phone. Every so often, Hayley’d say, “I knew it’d be like this! I shouldn’t have come!” Too right she shouldn’t!! We can do without her trying to make us all feel guilty and bring us down to her sad, depressed gooseberry level!!

Yet again, Jake let me paint his nails and (eventually!) let me put a bit of purple hair mascara on him. It didn’t show up though. We discovered we both had Gul watched and that, before he got his Quiksilver strap, it’d been one the same as mine, only blue. I nearly got the blue strap with my watch too rather than my yellow one. For some reason, we swapped straps and I’ve still got his now!

We also discovered that we both used to suck our thumb up until about the last year of primary school, except he sucked his right one and I sucked my left. That led us onto the subject of teeth because we’d both stopped sucking our thumbs in time to prevent our teeth sticking out too far (according to our dentists)! I then started telling him why I’ve got gaps in my teeth (one tooth lying horizontally in my gum) and how my dentist had wanted me to have an operation and then a brace to sort them all out. Jake said, “It just wouldn’t be you” if I’d changed. Course it would, I’d just have straighter teeth! We then started talking about how we’d never had dummies cos our parents hadn’t liked them! We have some strange conversations!

At some point, he said something about me having nice big eyes or something. Also, he said I can have the video of him when he was little with a Brummie accent!! I’m pretty sure he’ll change his mind about lending me that!

We all walked back to Hayley’s village. We stopped at the Chinese in my village and then at my house to eat it and my dad came home. It wasn’t too embarrassing actually!

Jake and I also kept stopping to kiss. Apparently Hayley wasn’t too pleased but Sarah and Gethin snogged while they were waiting for us to catch up so I don’t think they minded!

Jake and I have decided to swap fleeces when he goes to Canada. I’m having his sheep fleece and he can have my Fila one!

Yet again though tonight, we didn’t get any further than kissing. I mean, we both had cold hands and there wasn’t really a good situation for us to do anything more. I don’t really mind though. I like being with him so I don’t mind what does or doesn’t happen anymore.


P.S. I got one nice message off him but I fell asleep after that! He’d sent me one earlier, signing it off as “xTx” so I asked if that was deliberate. He said, “SORRY! GOT MIXED UP! IT’S COS I’M THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH! WANT YOU AND YOUR FLEECE HERE! YOU’RE NO USE IN YOUR BED ARE YOU?! LOVE YOU TOO : ) xJx (GOT IT!!)”.

Distressed moody gooseberry – 25th May 2000

Thursday 25th Jake had a General Studies exam this morning so I didn’t see him then but he stayed in college all afternoon with me. He’s recently gone a lot more sort of cuddly. I don’t mean he’s put on weight or anything, it’s just that he holds my hand and leans on me and cuddles me much more in front of people in the common room whereas he used to just sit on a chair next to me! I much prefer it how he is now!! I think I’ve said all that actually.

Hayley, Georgia, Rach, Lena, Gethin, Jake and I all went to Altrincham Ice Rink tonight because we’re not in college tomorrow (inset day). Jake’s quite a good skater and I’m not bad either (meaning I stay upright!) so we just skated round together or stood cuddling by the barrier. He had no gloves so his hands were freezing so he put them down the back of my jeans. I liked that cos that’s what you tend to see real couples doing sometimes, know what I mean?!

Hayley had a bit of a strop at one point (we expect it at some point now, EVERY TIME she comes out with us). This time it was because Rach, Gethin and Lena were getting a taxi home earlier cos they wanted to call in on Brian’s little gathering. Hayley then thought that they were trying to persuade Georgia to go with them (they weren’t) so she thought she’d “get stuck” with me and Jake and be “made to feel like a gooseberry”.

I don’t know if she realises it but everyone is getting so sick of her being a pathetic moody little cow! Rach said, “Hayley’s being so childish” so Georgia then said, “She is, isn’t she?! Wish me luck!” and then bombed it over the ice to have a go at Hayley! I think it worked, whatever Georgia said, but then when Georgia snogged some lad, Hayley did her distressed moody gooseberry thing again!

On the way home, Jake actually took everyone else before me for a change and then asked if I wanted to go somewhere else other than home. I just said I might as well go home cos I didn’t think that not going home would’ve meant longer with him. (I was tired, okay?! My brain wasn’t working properly!) I don’t know where he’d have taken me though. We did end up stopping in The Green Dragon car park so we had a good long snog! That kept me satisfied!


That sounds really big-headed – 24th May 2000

Wednesday 24th Grandma S’s birthday!

Jake came in about lunchtime because he had to bring his brother to his German GCSE exam. I had 4th lesson off because there was some exam in the computer rooms so I couldn’t do CLAIT [some sort of IT lesson] and then we had to deliver leaflets for Mrs L around the new housing estate at last lesson. Jake drove me and Hayley there and helped us.

We found a house called ‘Taylor House’ or something which is up for sale with a ‘Taylor Estates’ sign outside it! We got to see Hayley’s man that she’s been stalking. He’s a bit chunky but not bad looking. He was playing volleyball with his dad and the ball rolled to my feet so I kicked it back and he said, “Cheers!” Jake said he wanted to hold my hand when we walked past him cos he’d probably fancy me! 🙂

Actually, Jake irritated me quite a bit when we got back to college. We were drawing and colouring stuff for the nursery school and I was getting bored and was doing it quickly and therefore not very well. I drew a leaf and coloured the stalk green cos I wasn’t concentrating and Jake moaned that it should’ve been brown so I told him to colour it in if he was so bothered. He then told me that the leaf I’d drawn was crap! I’d love to show him some of the stuff I’d done for GCSE Art or just at home cos it is pretty good! Sorry, that sounds really big-headed but I bet he can’t draw realistic looking people!!

Mind you, if that’s the only thing that’s annoyed me about him so far, we must be doing well!


A day in the life of Tessa – 23rd May 2000

Tuesday 23rd Hayley was still speaking to me this morning. It just went back to how it is normally is. Although, she was in floods of tears when she was talking to Georgia about something. It was probably about Andy so I just kept out of it cos I’m getting sick of her repeating herself when she talks about him!

I saw Jake today. There was no mention of his mum between us. He did seem a bit quiet which would be understandable but then I’m not sure if he’s just normally like that and if I was just more aware of it today now I know there could be a reason behind it.

I told my mum about his mum on the way to Grandma’s tonight. I’ve been dreading telling her cos I don’t want her worrying about how I might be affected and stuff but I knew I’d have to say something eventually anyway.

She started asking me about Jake and what he’s doing now he’s left college and stuff so I took the opportunity to tell her about his mum while we were on the subject of him. She was on the edge of crying when I told her, I could tell by her voice and I could see her eyes beginning to fill up. I found it hard not to cry again myself, especially when she said how I’ll have to do a lot of supporting.

She’s the 3rd person that’s said that. First it was Mrs K then Hugo and now her. I know though!! It’s easier said than done. I’m so worried about saying the wrong thing to him or making him feel worse about it all.

My mum just kept saying how awful it is, especially with a young family, and how awful it’s going to be for her husband. I just wanted to get out of the car cos I thought I was going to cry and didn’t want her to see me do that cos she’d start worrying about me, and she’s got enough to worry about with Grandma and stuff.

I’ve told mum not to say anything to anyone or ask anyone if they know about it and she said she won’t.

Gethin’s done ‘A day in the life of Tessa’ now! →


It’s quite funny in parts, although I could take offence to it! I won’t though cos I know it’s only a joke really! A few other people could find it insulting too actually! Oh well!


Hayley, yet again, burst into tears – 22nd May 2000

Monday 22nd Jake was at Alton Towers today so I’ve not seen him at all. My mum said she saw his car parked near her school all day so he must have gone there with Ali Kershaw.

I got the results from my mock exams today. I got Es on both papers for Biology and a C on one Geography paper (not had the other one back yet). It’s not been such a good day. I liked college much better when Jake was there.

I’ve also had a bit of a falling out with Hayley. Rachael Hollins had been talking about Andy’s mates to Georgia Dean and Lena and had accidentally said “Andy” instead of someone else’s name as Hayley walked in. Hayley immediately ran off in floods of tears.

Later on, Hayley sat in the common room and Rachael was talking loudly about something which had no link to Hayley whatsoever but Hayley automatically assumed Rach was talking loudly just to wind her up when in actual fact she just always talks at that volume!

Then, after I had a free, Hayley came back from her lesson and said, “So, what’s the little bitch been saying about me then?” (meaning Rach who hadn’t mentioned Hayley) so I told her not to be so bleeding paranoid. Then she started going on about how she was going to snap soon (making it sound like she’s going to slap Rach or something) so I told Hayley that she’d better not expect me to stop talking to Rach and that Rach hadn’t even meant to say what she did in the first place.

Hayley, yet again, burst into tears saying, “It’s nice to know my best mates are sticking up for me!” extremely sarcastically. She’s been looking for an excuse to get at Rachael for ages cos she doesn’t like her much so she’s not prepared to listen to the truth cos she knows she’s in the wrong now and not Rach. Silly girl!!

I had another phone call from Hugo tonight. He told me more about Jake’s mum. He said she started off with breast cancer and it spread to her liver and now her brain and she’s got about a month left. He says she went into the hospice so that Robbie and Jake have a better chance of concentrating for their exams or something.

All day yesterday, I kept filling up with tears every time I thought about it and then there’s the affect it’ll have on Jake and I don’t know how to handle it really which is probably what’s upsetting me cos it’s all so horrible.

Hugo said tonight that Jake has asked him to mention it to me cos he doesn’t know how to tell me and doesn’t want me to think he’s doing it to get attention off me. I definitely wouldn’t think that!

Hugo also said that, yesterday, Jake had had to go out when his dad got home from seeing his mum cos he’d just broken down and Jake couldn’t bear to see him like that.

I’m finding it very difficult to write all this without crying now.

Hugo told me as well that he’d had messages off Jake saying how much he was glad he had him as a best mate and someone to love like he does me. Apparently Jake also said that he thinks I’m ‘the one’ but I’m not sure how much of all this is true due to Hugo being the one telling me. I get the impression that he’s not a reliable source of information!

I’m beginning to realise now why Jake’s not saying much to me about his mum. I mean, I can’t fully understand but I’m finding it difficult to speak to anyone about it myself, even though I want to tell someone cos it’s upsetting me too. I just don’t know what to say though and people might think I’ve not got any right to be upset about it so I’m tending to keep most of it to myself.

Just got a message from someone but the number at the top’s weird! I think it’s Hugo cos it starts, “YO TESS” like his always do. It mentions Jake and it doesn’t make much sense at one point! It says, “YO HI TESS GOT SICK OF TYPING ARE OFF THE NET SO HOW R U ITS GOOD THAT U AND JAKE ARE TOGETHER BECAUSE I THINK THAT U R PERFECT FOR HIM AND U MAKE A GOOD COUPLE!!” There’s also no punctuation in it which is another thing that makes me think it’s him!


Watching Titanic made me go all soppy – 21st May 2000

Sunday 21st Mum’s birthday!

I went round to Hayley’s last night and ended up stopping over. We didn’t do much except watch TV and Titanic on video!

May 1997 - Leo

The main reason I liked Titanic.

I got quite a few nice messages from Jake. I sent him one asking what he was doing and he replied, “I’M IN BED LISTENING TO MUSIC! I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND BUT I’M USING YOUR FLEECE AS A COMFORT BLANKET! : ) IF I CLOSE MY EYES IT’S LIKE BEING WITH YOU! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

Watching Titanic made me go all soppy so I sent him a message back saying that I didn’t mind him using my fleece for that and then told him that there aren’t the words to put how much I love him or something and I got one back saying, “THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GONNA STOP SENDING MSGS DOES IT?! YOU CAN EXPRESS YOUR LOVE IN OTHER WAYS WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER!! REALLY DO LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!!! : ) xJx”.

It was in the back on my mind that that message was a hint for us to take things further so I asked him what he meant by that. He told me, “I MEAN I CAN HOLD YOU CLOSE TO ME AND KISS YOU – WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER! DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D DO WITHOUT YOU OR MY PHONE!! I’M JUST GLAD WE FOUND EACH OTHER! LOVE xJx”.


I had a phone call from Hugo Pratt too. He rang just after I’d got the first message off Jake. He started off just asking how I was and stuff then said he’d just spoken to Jake. He was saying how he’s really upset about his mum and how he’s been talking to Hugo about what’s changed with her every day but he’s not said much to anyone else cos he tends to keep things bottled up. To be honest, I think I’d be like that too.

The Hugo said how Jake’s really upset now after “what’s been going on recently”. I didn’t have a clue what he was on about and Hugo said he just assumed I knew but he said he’d better not say anything other than it’s really not good at the moment with Jake’s mum.

He then changed the subject on coming down to our villages one Friday night but then it got back on to the previous topic when he said how it was difficult for him cos can’t stay with Jake at the moment due to recent events. He then asked how much Jake had actually told me. He sounded a bit surprised when I told him that he’d only mentioned it once to my face and once in a message after Mr S’s assembly and Claire’s party thing. I told Hugo that I have actually known about her being ill for ages and that what I did know, I’d actually found out from other people. He asked who but I didn’t tell him.

He eventually ended up telling me what’s happened. Apparently Jake’s mum’s gone into a hospice and Jake’s reluctant about going to see her because he doesn’t like seeing her like that. He said he was meant to go to see her yesterday morning but didn’t and then worked last night so he didn’t go then either.

Hugo was saying she’s gone really weak and can’t even talk much anymore cos she’s got so little energy or something. I was extremely close to tears when he was telling me all that. I just had no idea. He said she’s got about a month left, I think. It’s awful.

Before he went, Hugo made me promise not to tell Jake he phoned me and not to mention anything he’d told me to anyone, even Hayley. I didn’t tell Hayley but I mentioned it briefly to Abby when I got in this morning.

Although, Hayley (of course) immediately wanted to know what Hugo had been saying once I’d hung up. I said that he’d mentioned Jake’s mum not being too good cos Hayley knew that anyway. Actually, she told me that Jake had told her that he’s been taking his sister to the stables because his mum can’t drive her anymore. I don’t know if Hayley asks these things but she always seems to know more about everything than I do.

Anyway, I’m quite glad Hugo did ring really cos he’s answered a few questions that I didn’t want to ask, even if it did mean lack of sleep for me.

This morning, I sent Jake a message asking how he was and saying that Hayley said she’d been dreaming about going to Durham. I also asked how my fleece is! He replied, “I’M OK! WHY DID SHE GO TO DURHAM?? YOUR FLEECE IS FINE! – I’M TAKING GOOD CARE OF IT! (IT’S SOOO WARM!!) WISH YOU WERE IN IT THOUGH!! LOTS + LOTS OF LOVE!! xJx : )”.

I was on the internet for 3 hours tonight talking to Hugo! His screen name on AOL is HGPRTTUK. While he was chatting to me he was also on the phone to Jake for 2 hours! His phone bills must be huge!! Nothing of much interest came out of the conversation.

I also chatted to Rhian (my cousin) online and filled her in about Jake. She’s apparently seeing someone called Mack who’s a mate of Duncan’s. I’ve not idea who the Mack lad is!

Got a couple of messages off Jake tonight. I’d told him that I might have to go for a meal for my mum’s birthday next Saturday when I’m meant to be staying over at Sarah’s. I told him I’d do my best to get to Sarah’s though and asked about my fleece again! He said, “YOU BETTER DO YOUR BEST! : ) I CAN’T SLEEP WHEN WE ARE APART SO I’M NOT GOING TO WHEN I’M WITH YOU! ARE YOU PARANOID? YOUR LOVELY FLEECE IS JUST FINE!! LOVE xJx”.

I then told him I hoped that we wouldn’t just be awake at Sarah’s due to thinking about each other and he said, “OF COURSE IT WILL BE A DIFFERENT REASON FOR NOT SLEEPING! : ) MY MIND WILL BE THINKING ABOUT LOTS OF DIFFERENT THINGS – ALL INVOVING YOU!!! LOVE YOU TO BITS! xJx”. I’m not entirely sure what he meant by that but I have an idea!