I think he’s in lurve – 25th-28th December 1998

[Merry Christmas 1998, everyone!]

Friday 25th Yeah, Christmas Day. I didn’t sleep until about 2:00am and I got woken up pretty early by Tom jumping on me. I got lots of pressies but that was over too soon.

[I look full of Christmas cheer.]

[I look full of Christmas cheer.]

All the family  have been here at some point. Most have gone now and there’s only Uncle J and my big cousin Ifan that are left. I don’t think they’ll be going very far either coz they’re totally pissed. Ifan keeps staggering into doors and stuff and he’s been on the phone to his girlfriend about 3 times. I think he’s in lurve and everyone keeps teasing him.

Then we locked him outside. It was funny. He went for a fag and Rhian, Abby and I locked the door. We let him in eventually but couldn’t stop giggling coz we’d had a bit too much to drink by then.

He kept eating chocolate mousses. He then phoned his girlfriend back – again!

BYE!

Saturday 26th Ifan and Uncle J have gone. I dunno when I’m going to see Ifan again coz he’s travelling round the world on his year out of university where he’s wanting to be an architect.

We’ve got to go home tomorrow so I’d better pack.

BYE!

Sunday 27th I’m back in Dunkeld. I don’t really want to be. I’d rather be back in Wick. This week’s gone so fast and going home means getting back into the normal routine and I’m going to have to do revision and homework.

I’m really missing my cousins and Grandma L. I hate saying goodbye to them coz I don’t know how long it’ll be until I see them next.

I’ve also go the New Year’s Eve decision to make at some point coz I’m still not sure.

BYE!

Monday 28th I’m at home now. I’ve spoken to Emma and Hayley and they said I haven’t missed much. The only think I am missing are my people in Wick but there’s not much I can do about it now, is there?

BYE!

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Major long eye contact – 22nd-24th December 1998

Tuesday 22nd Pretty boring day coz cousins were at school. We met Rhian afterwards and she was following this Cal Brown lad. He’s not that nice. She also told me (after we’d gone!) that Ben McFarlane had been in Woolies. Never mind.

There was major long eye contact between me and this really nice lad in the town but I saw him smoking later on so that put me off.

I’m going to bed now.

BYE!

Wednesday 23rd Yet again I’m severely pissed off.

I phoned Emma today and she told me what’s been happening. It’s not a lot really. She said she’s just been to Ed’s and his mum came back whilst she and Dougie were in the loft or something.

Anyway, I’m annoyed because she also told me that she’s going to Zoe’s New Year’s Eve party and so are loads of other people including Ewan. They’re all going to be enjoying themselves whilst I’ll be stuck collecting glasses at the bleeding Sports Club with Hayley and loads of people over the age of 40. [40 seemed absolutely ancient to me then. Not so much now…]

Mind you, Ewan did say that if it was going to be all lads at Zoe’s party then he wasn’t going to go but Emma’ll be there and a few other girls and a lot of his mates so that means he probably will go.

It’s unfair. I’ll never get him. I can never go where he goes and the other way round. After New Year, there’s no reason for anyone to party so I may as well just give up. Nobody seems to give a toss but it’s really upsetting and annoying me and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ve left it too late.

BYE!

Thursday 24th Nobody seems to have bothered with me much this week. I’m feeling neglected!

Seriously though, all Auntie S ever seems to say is “Oh, poor Tess”. I don’t know why. Is there some reason I don’t know about that I should get sympathy for?

I think all the adults think I’m stupid coz I worry too much. Just because I’ve mentioned exams and stuff a couple of times, they keep telling me that it doesn’t matter and stuff. I know but I still don’t want to fail them.

I think Tom and Minnie reckon I’m boring or summit coz they seem to prefer Abby. It’s fine and they’re all over me until she comes in. I don’t think she or Rhian can be bothered with me either. I went home from the town coz I got bored of shopping and since then they’ve only stayed in the same room as me for a few minutes before they went elsewhere.

BYE!

I’ve seen some weird things – 20th & 21st December 1998

Sunday 20th Okay, I’m in the hotel at Dunkeld now and I’m bored. I’ve got to wait ages before we go down for dinner and I’m hungry already.

I’ve seen some weird things from the car on the way here. I saw:

  • a pig on the motorway embankment
  • a Mini in a field
  • horses on a cliff
  • a clown driving down the motorway
  • an ostrich
  • 2 herons in a field of sheep
  • some really big bird on a fence

I’m really worried that I’m going to miss summit at home. I bet all my friends will do loads of stuff this week and then nothing next week and that Ewan’ll get a girlfriend or will end up obsessively fancying someone or summit. Not much I can do about it now though considering how far away I am.

I really want Ewan. It’s not fair. I s’pose it’s my own fault for not talking to him.

I really need something to happen that’ll boost my confidence a bit and that’ll just generally make my happy. It’s not like I’m really depressed or anything at the moment but I’m just getting a bit stressed out about all these mock exams and my skin and what my friends’ll get up to while I’m away and the fact that no lad I like ever seems to like me back.

I want something that I can talk about for ages after it’s happened. A good thing, of course. Like Austria. So much happened on that holiday. Good, fun stuff that me and my mates are still discussing now. And that was way back in February. Oh well, I’ll just have to see if anything happens. I doubt it somehow.

BYE!

Monday 21st I’m at my cousins’ house in Wick now. Tom and Minnie are all over me and Abby but I don’t think Rhian really wants to know now she’s 13. I think she’d rather be at her mate Lorna Gray’s house than with us. She’s not breaking up from school until Wednesday so we have even less time with her coz we’re going on Sunday. Then on top of that she’s got school discos and stuff.

It’s not even snowing.

Me and Abby are going to be so bored while they’re at school coz there’s nothing really to do round here. I also know I’ve gotta get some homework and revision in at some point. It’s all too much.

BYE!

I’ve got mock exams on the first day back. AARRGH! – 16th & 19th December 1998

Friday 18th P. [Period]

I was sick this morning on the pavement just after Mum had dropped me off for school so Abby and Jacqueline took me to Sadie’s and her mum phoned my mum so I got the day off. I’d rather have gone in coz I won’t see a lot of people for a while now but I was being sick loads so it’s a good job I didn’t.

Emma and Hayley told me on the phone that I didn’t miss much. Emma’s got my flute, one of her spare presents and a Xmas card from Ewan for me so I’ll get them tomorrow.

I went to the Sports Club with Hayley and Johnny Doherty and Jack Eddison were there. Jack said he and Naveen are going to the New Year’s Eve do there so we’ll probably see them.

BYE!

Saturday 19th First day of the Xmas hols. I’d rather be in school. No I wouldn’t. Oh, I dunno. I can’t be bothered with lessons but I like the social side of things and I’m not going to see Ewan for at least two weeks and I’ve got to revise coz I’ve got mock exams on the first day back. AARRGH! That’s not good.

At least I don’t have to get up early for a while and I’m going to Wick for about a week tomorrow.

I saw Emma today. She didn’t have a lot to tell me coz I didn’t miss a lot yesterday. She gave me Ewan’s card though. I’ve stuck it on the next page.

I’d better go and pack anyway, so…

BYE!

[I'm shocked I didn't make more of the fact that he used the word 'love'.]

[I’m shocked I didn’t make more of the fact that he used the word ‘love’.]

He’s not got very nice hands – 16th December 1998

[I’d love to hear your really rubbish reasons for going off someone. Please do share!]

Wednesday 16th Okay, I’ve calmed down a bit since last night. I’m not well. I’ve got a horrible cold and a sore throat and now I’m pissed off with myself (yet again) to go with it.

I’m pissed off because I had another perfectly good chance to speak to Ewan and I didn’t. You see, it was the Senior Citizens’ Party at school this afternoon and I was doing the drinks. The Music people were all doing their stuff next to where we were and that included Ewan. After he’d finished playing his first bit there was a mad rush for tea and coffee so he decided he’d help me, Georgia and Rach by being an extra tea lady.

We didn’t really say anything to each other but he was having conversations with everyone else except me. He did ask the general question of, “What are you 3 doing for Xmas?” but I was busy so I didn’t answer. He’s probably fed up of me now and probably thinks I’m really sad [swotty] and shy. I’m just always waiting for him to say summit first coz I can never think of anything to ask him.

I’m like that.  I can make conversation last for ages with my mates or people I don’t know very well but when it comes to people who I know know I like them, it’s totally different. Mind you, I can always use the fact that I had a sore throat as an excuse for not saying much. The other real reason for me not really saying much to him is that I’d probably say summit daft. Actually, he can hardly complain.

I was looking at Ewan too. He’s not got very nice hands. Ferny has. Ewan’s are really red and freckly with big veins in them. Okay, so it’s not his fault and I’m really just doing the same as what I was moaning about yesterday but still… In fact, he’s not all that nice at all really but I think that’s just coz I compare him to Ferny too much. [Ferny, the lad I briefly went off for the equally crap reason that he wore white socks.]

Hayley got a Xmas card for Ferny. I want one but I think he was probably forced into it by Lena who was probably forced into it by Hayley who gave him a card first anyway. He’s got nice writing and put his full name on for some reason. I s’pose there are quite a few Williams.

Oh yeah, that reminds me, Emma and I saw Ewan at break and he said, “Oh, I’ve got a Xmas card for you…” (looked at Emma) “…two” (looked at me as well) but he never gave me one today.

Emma told me that she and Hayley spoke to Ewan yesterday and she was just telling him in more detail about Paul Nutt (who told Emma he did still like me when she asked him) but I don’t know why really. Emma also told Ewan more about Joanne and how Nutter, sorry, Paul hadn’t decided whether he was going to go out with her or not. Ewan reckons that she’s too good for him. Great, so he probably fancies her now.

You know, I’d probably have spoken to Ewan by now if bloody Emma hadn’t have told him I liked him. She could’ve at least waited until I’d spoken to him once and it wouldn’t have been half as awkward as it is now.

We’ve only got 2 more days of school before the Xmas hols. That’s not good coz it means as soon as we get back we’ve got all our mock exams so I’m going to have to revise while I’m in Scotland. What a fun holiday I’m going to have.

NOT!

Also, Ewan’ll probably go to a party or summit and will go with [snog] some girl so by the time we get back to school he’ll have forgotten I exist. I’m not even so sure I like him all that much now but no doubt I’d changed my mind again then find out he’s going out with someone. I don’t think he likes me anyway. Never mind.

BYE!

Even if they are freaks, some lads actually like me – 15th December 1998

Tuesday 15th I’m really worried. I’ve got spots all over my chest and back and I’m getting an increasing amount on my face. It probably sounds really pathetic but to me it’s awful. I can’t stop crying. I came off the Minocycline tablets about a month or two ago and already I’m sure my skin’s going back to how it was before I was given the tablets.

My mum keeps telling me not to be so negative but it’s a bit hard not to be when I know that last time I just had a few spots it turned into full-blown acne. I’m sure not many people really understand or care considering it’s not known as a terminal disease or anything but all I know is that it made my life hell.

I don’t think I could cope if it happened again now. I keep thinking back to how it was and I keep remembering things that people said and did. I always used to worry about it being windy too because my fringe would blow back and everyone stared at my face.

Most people just felt sorry for me and even Emma attempted to help by telling me I should grow my fringe out and stuff like that as if she was the expert. I had Johnny Doherty asking me to lift up my fringe for a minute and Amber Watson trying to be nice by saying, “Ignore him, it just shows you’re more mature than he is” whilst staring at my skin. I could’ve hit them all.

Then there was the embarrassment of having to sit in a classroom while a teacher talked to the class about hygiene and she said that most spots are caused by hormones but not washing properly and eating the wrong foods didn’t help either. When she said those last 2, I didn’t look up but I know people were glancing in my direction.

Then there was Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent who bullied me and used my acne as summit to get at me for by saying things like (very loudly), “Tess, you can buy cream for acne, you know.” Basically, it was bad. I’m so worried it’s going to be like that again.

Lindsey & Karen

[I got my secret revenge by drawing them like this in my diary. HA! Cowbags.]

I know what people say behind your back too coz, since I’ve had clear skin coz of medication, Emma has commented on other people. For example, Ste Rollinson. She keeps telling me how gorgeous he used to be but recently he’s gone really minging because his face has “erupted” in loads of acne. I don’t speak usually but when I do comment about it not being his fault she just says “of course it is because he must just eat too much chocolate”. At that point I’m struggling to control my fists and go quiet so she must remember or summit coz the subject gets changed.

The thing is, she’s like my best mate and I just can’t tell her. She saw the tablets (when I had them) and asked what they were for. I didn’t even tell her then. I made up that they were for an ear infection or summit like that.

It’s just embarrassing mentioning the word acne to people, even my family and friends coz people automatically think of greasy, junk-food-eating teenagers. Unfair. It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Also, when Emma says about Ste Rollinson etc., I always wonder if that’s what people’d say about me.

Even if they are freaks, some lads actually like me but I bet they wouldn’t if my skin went bad again. I don’t really want to go back on the tablets even though I could coz they can’t be doing the rest of my body any good, can they? But then if I don’t, who knows, I’ll probably end up getting spots again and it’ll be back to how it was.

First impressions and looks do count. I can see me going out with my friends. They’ll all get lads and no-one’ll look twice at me unless it’s to stare at my skin. But I could be on those tablets forever. Why can’t my acne just go away and stay away naturally and now?

You see, I even had 2nd thoughts about writing all that coz it’d embarrassing to me really, although it shouldn’t have to be.

BYE!

He’s pretty fit except he has to wear goggles – 6th-11th December 1998

Sunday 6th I went to Emma’s last night with Hayley, Lena, Lindsey, Georgia, Ed, Tasha, Davis and Az Hart. When all the girls except me and Emma had gone, I ended up on my bill as usual. The only one who paid me any attention was Ed and then he had to go. So, there was just me, Emma, Az and Davis.

It was okay until Suzanna phoned coz then Az started talking to her for hours then Emma and Davis went in another room to talk. I just went in for a second to ask her summit and she slammed the door in my face. Bitch! If she’s going to be like that at the garden centre party with all her little workmates then I’m not bloody going. Of course, I’ll leave it until Friday afternoon before I tell her! Ha ha ha!!! (Evil laughter.) She always says she won’t ignore me but she always does.

You know that fit Baker lad that was at the Open Evening on Monday? Well, he’s called John and has started working at the bakery (hmm, I wonder why!) in the next village. Lena reckons he’s a geek and Hayley reckons she’ll be going out with him by the end of the week. I hope not coz we’ll never hear the end of it if she does.

BYE!

Wednesday 9th I skived off assembly with Freda this morning. There was some theatre group that came in and we hadn’t been registered coz Miss R wasn’t in so we hid in the toilets.

Ewan was playing basketball after school. He’s pretty fit except he has to wear goggles to stop his glasses getting damaged. Cat Elliot was telling me that he likes All Saints coz he was listening to them on his Walkman and singing along.

From that we somehow got onto the subject of a girl called Emma who used to go to their primary school and how they all used to sit on the field and then suddenly she just jumped Ewan coz she fancied him. She blamed it on her hormones and he went really, really red. Aaah, poor Ewan!

BYE!

Friday 11th At lunch I had a couple of shocks. The first was when I was out of school for lunch and Ewan and his mates were quite a way back. I sort of turned to the side to talk to Emma and I saw someone in a cream coloured coat running towards us. At first I thought, “Oh my God, it’s Ewan!” but then I was sure it was Ryan Bowland so I stopped panicking. That was until Ewan caught up and started talking to Emma. It had been him after all.

He didn’t say much interesting really, he was just talking about the Manics concert. I don’t know why he left his mates who were way behind us really. They too caught up eventually and went elsewhere.

The second shock was when I walked round a corner and Jim Brackenhurst went “BOO!” right up close in my face. Abby’ll be jealous!

The garden centre thing was pretty boring and Paul Nutt who’s a complete freak who slashes himself and who there’s a rumour going round about that he fucked a cat and burnt it (hmmm, I’m not sure about the rumour) and, anyway, he told Emma he fancied me. Then told her to tell me. Then later asked her what she thought I’d say if he asked me out. She said no, thank goodness! But later, luckily some girl called Joanne went with [snogged] him. She obviously doesn’t know him very well.

Emma reckons if Ewan had’ve been there he’d have gone with [snogged] me. She shouldn’t have said that coz it just made me more pissed off that he wasn’t there.

BYE!

P.S. I’ve just remembered. I got a really nice smile off Ewan after school. I did smile back too.