I’m an interesting and fun person – 2nd August 2000

Wednesday 2nd Jake came round to my house again today but we didn’t do much at all. We just talked, tickled each other, you know, the usual stuff.

He did tell me at one point that I’m an interesting and fun person (hmmm!) and then when he’d gone home, he backed it up with a text saying, “I’M GONNA HAVE TO GET A LIFT IN MY SISTER’S TAXI TO THE STABLES – SO I’LL BE AT YOURS FOR ABOUT 11:00 TMW! THAT’S IF YOU WANT MY COMPANY!?? TODAY WAS FUN – STILL CAN’T STOP GIGGLING/SMILING! YOU REALLY DO MAKE ME SOOO HAPPY COS YOU’RE SUCH A HAPPY/FUN PERSON TO BE WITH! LOVE YOU! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

It sounds like I should be on some little kids programme, like Playbus or something!

Bye!

 

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I think he was being deliberately cheesy – 30th & 31st July 2000

Sunday 30th I’ve caught up on a bit of sleep now so Jake and I went to the Trafford Centre together. Both my mum and dad (who’ve decided Jake’s got a look of Tim Henman about him!) dropped us off on the way to Grandma S’s. They couldn’t help but embarrass me by telling him things such as my not being able to sleep at a Youth Hostel in Stirling cos of a graveyard outside! I was glad to get out of the car!

We just wandered round the shops all day, stopping off in Starbucks for a drink, of course! When we were eating out McDonald’s for lunch, there were some people from Key 103 there going round with a microphone so we legged it!

I bought some nail varnish from Boots called Fallen Angel and Jake saw the name and said something like, “Cos that’s what you are, aren’t you?!” I couldn’t help but laugh but I don’t think it was a serious comment. I think he was being deliberately cheesy!

He also persuaded me to get a Miffy pencil case from Selfridges and some Milk lip balm from Boots cos he liked the taste. I got The Corrs new album which he said he wants to borrow and Moloko’s new single, Pure Pleasure Seeker, which triggered him saying if he played an instrument it’d either be the saxophone or drums.

All he got was more pairs of Tommy Hilfiger boxers, minidisc things, and the Toploader and Coldplay albums I think they were. He looked at the hideous orange Quiksilver shirt in River Island but decided against buying it. I think he would’ve done if I hadn’t have been there!

[I hate, hate, HATE this bloody Toploader song but I will suffer it being on here and stuck in my head for the next 3 weeks because feel I need to show you the sort of shite on our MiniDisc players at the time…]

After we got bored of wandering round, we went to the cinema, got 2 tubs of Phish Food ice cream and went to watch Chicken Run. It was such a good film! I expected it to be good but it was better than that! Jake enjoyed it too.

We ended up getting a taxi back to my house and Jake ended up staying until 1:00 am! We just stayed in my room playing my new CDs. He decided he liked my bed cos it’s comfy and said he didn’t want to go home and leave me. I spent quite a while tickling him and messing with his hair and then I switched my light out to show him the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling (that really was the reason!) and it ended up staying off cos he said he really liked them.

We just kissed and cuddled for a bit and then 2 and 3. He tried to undo my pants but I’m still on my period a bit so I stopped him. I told him he didn’t have time before the taxi came. I didn’t want him to leave and he didn’t want to but I think my parents would’ve been a bit shocked if he was still here in the morning!

Bye!

Monday 31st I didn’t see Jake today so we planned to cycle to Sarah’s over the fields tomorrow. One message I got had a nice ending. It said, “HI! : ) YOU OK? WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? HOPE IT’S NOT RAINING TOMORROW – WE MIGHT SINK IN THE PEAT! COULDN’T SLEEP LAST NIGHT! NEED TO BE WITH YOU ALL THE TIME! LOVE xJx”.

That was just about the highlight of my day!

Bye!

Comfort eating McDonald’s – 3rd July 2000

Monday 3rd If all the days up until I see Jake again are going to go as slowly as today did then I’m never going to be able to cope!

I got a text message from him thought at 11:14 am which said, “HELLO! I THINK I’VE SORTED OUT THE PROBLEM WITH MY MSGS NOW! WE’RE UP A BIG HILL AT THE MOMENT – IT’S TOO HOT! LEAVING FOR NICE TONIGHT! LOTS OF LOVE!!! xJx”.

I sent him one back saying I hoped he was having more fun than I was stuck in a Biology lesson! He said, “WELL I’M PROBABLY HAVING MORE FUN BUT I MISS YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU NOW! CAN’T WAIT TIL WE GET TO HOLLAND!! LOVE YOU TOO!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”.

I’m glad he can send messages now, although I sent him another warning him that I’ve got a sore throat (I hope he doesn’t get it while he’s away!) and telling him I was comfort eating McDonald’s cos I miss him! I didn’t get a message back so I’m assuming it’s just cos he’s got no signal or cos I didn’t ask any questions or anything. I hope he’s okay!

Mum took me to the Trafford Centre tonight and I got a new camera and a pair of Skechers trainer things.

Oh no, Freaky Time has just started playing on my tape! And that Lonestar one was playing on the radio earlier along with that Christina Aguilera one which also reminds me of Jake slightly, probably only cos it’s between the other 2 on the CD.

I miss him already! All I want is one of his really nice big hugs right now!

Bye!

What the hell am I supposed to do now??! – 18th June 2000

Sunday 18th Sarah was being normal with me again this morning but then I think she knows I wasn’t all that pleased with her last night.

I got a message off Gethin before saying Jake and I are 2 of the most antisocial people he knows and that Floyd’s annoyed with us. I sent him one back saying that I didn’t really feel like socialising with him or Sarah after they’d been so nasty and I asked why Floyd was annoyed.

Then Gethin phoned me. He said Floyd was annoyed cos we hardly spoke to anyone and that Sarah wasn’t pleased either. Apparently she said something to Henry Rockwell about it but I’m not sure what exactly. He really upset me and I couldn’t help but cry so I couldn’t say what I wanted to properly. He started going on about how, whenever we go out, it’s never on our own but then we pretty much ignore everyone else.

If I didn’t go out with them though, they’d be even more annoyed and if I didn’t go out with Jake, he would be. I can’t win! I go out with everyone to try not to cause that sort of trouble but it’s obviously not worked! What the hell am I supposed to do now??!

Hayley phoned before and told me she’s found a potential new boyfriend in the form of a cricketer at the Sports Club. That’s good cos he must be better than Andy! I told her what Gethin said and she thinks they’re being really unfair and selfish. I’m so glad she doesn’t agree with them! For all the times she’s been a pain in the neck and stuff, she’s still a good mate and usually sticks by me. She reckons Sarah’s jealous of me and Jake cos we’re happy together. I think Hayley understands more about why I want to be with Jake because she’s the same with Andy.

I sent Jake a message before asking if he got Gethin’s message cos Gethin said he’s sent him one saying pretty much the same as in the one he’d sent me. Jake’s reply was, “YEH I’VE JUST GOT IT! WELL WHAT DOES HE EXPECT? NOT MY FAULT I’M BESOTTED WITH YOU! WAIT – GETHIN JUST PHONED – ARE YOU UPSET WITH SARAH? HE SAYS YOU WERE REALLY UPSET! : (“.

This evening, I got an apology from Gethin that stretched over 7 text messages! It basically said how he’s so, so sorry and didn’t want to make me cry and how he’s just worried about me cos I’m going to need my mates when Jake goes away, blah, blah blah… more soppy crap about how much he cares about me… blah, blah… and how I can talk to him any time etc!

I didn’t answer cos I’m still quite annoyed because he had no right to say what he said cos he’d be no better if he had a girlfriend/boyfriend! He also apologised for saying what he said cos it was out of order. Too right it was!! I just want to know what triggered it all.

He seemed to think I was upset cos I’ve fallen out with Sarah which I haven’t. I spoke to her earlier and she reckons he was a bit over the top too. Maz P phoned her earlier so she’s happy!

I sent Jake a message to let him know Gethin had apologised and he replied saying that Gethin’s just concerned about me and that he is too. He said he doesn’t like seeing or hearing about me getting upset cos I’m not the type to get upset unless something’s really bothered me. He said he cares about me and doesn’t want to worry when he’s on holiday but that he will do all the time!

I sent him another telling him not to worry and that he shouldn’t have to bother about me while he’s away. He replied, “BUT I WANT TO BE BOTHERED ABOUT YOU! I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU ANYWAY – NEVER MIND WHEN I’M NOT GONNA SEE YOU! IT’S JUST NOT LIKE YOU…” and then, “YOU’RE SO STRONG AND MOTIVATED! I EXPECT IT FROM HAYLEY BUT NOT FROM YOU! I WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY AND SMILING – ALL THE TIME! I LOVE YOU! x”.

The second message made me feel like I’ve let him down or something because I got upset! I don’t think he meant it like that though.

He said he’s in college for an exam tomorrow so I’ll see him at lunch hopefully. He’s not mentioned anything about the funeral or anything so I’m not sure what’s going on there.

Bye!

He called me all the names under the sun – 17th June 2000

Saturday 17th It’s the village Millennium thing today. Mum and I went to see the floats which were actually quite good. Clara Taylor was on the schools one dressed up as Geri Halliwell in the Union Jack dress. She saw me and said to the girl next to her, “That’s my brother’s girlfriend”. I lip read her and Mum must have done too cos she said they’d been talking about me after I’d told Mum who she was!

Tonight was that party for Jake’s mate Alex at the leisure centre. Jake’s dad gave me, Sarah and that Marco lad a lift there. He told us that Jake had told him not to speak so it wasn’t too bad! He’s got a big, green, T-reg Merc!

Sarah and I felt very out of place at the party cos Gethin and everyone else was already drunk and we didn’t really know anyone. Jake stayed with me though, even though all his mates were there. Sarah and Gethin were being really nasty all night. They’d both drunk quite a bit and that’s the effect it had. They both kept snapping at me and making snide little comments. At one point later on, I saw someone tumble out of the door and fall down the steps onto the floor behind the next table and roll about a bit! I was very amused to see that it was Sarah and that she’d gained a huge hole in her tights and 2 grazed knees!!

We left Alex’s at about 11:30 and got a taxi back to Floyd’s cos he was having a gathering at his house. A few people were sat watching TV in the living room so Jake and I went in there. Everyone else wandered off into the kitchen so we took advantage of the fact we were alone to get a bit of kissing done!

At one point, everyone moved into the garden and then Gethin appeared at the window and started singing! I went to shut the window but he wouldn’t let me. Eventually he wandered off and I shut the curtains. Jake and I then carried on kissing.

Unfortunately, Gethin came in and started singing and wouldn’t go away. He knew perfectly well he was being annoying but when I told him where to go, he called me all the names under the sun and then went!

We got up to 3 on him and I had to keep an eye out for people coming in cos he was lying there with his eyes shut! Nothing happened cos first Cat ran in telling us she’d just been chased by a dog, then Floyd came in and told us Sarah had gone missing, and then Sarah came in and whinged she wanted to leave so we gave up! Lizzie was the only one who left us alone! I think she understands what it’s like to be interrupted thought! I hope nobody realised what I was doing!

Anyway, Sarah was sat with us for ages so I eventually told her to just phone for a taxi. It wasn’t even that late, she only wanted to go cos Gethin and Lizzie were in the garden together or something. The taxi came within about 5 mins so Jake and I were very pissed off!

I had to try and be nice to Sarah cos she was stopping over at mine. Maybe I was being a bit selfish wanting to stay when she didn’t but Jake said she was the one being selfish cos she wouldn’t have wanted to leave so soon if she’d been with Gethin.

Bye!

Some girlfriends would help much more – 14th June 2000

Wednesday 14th Mr H dragged me out of the common room today for “a quiet word”. Mum’s asked him if he knows if anyone in school has organised for donations to be sent wherever due to Jake’s mum because she says she wants to do something but doesn’t want to send anything to the family seeing as we don’t know them really. Mr H just told me to tell Mum that he’d spoken to Mrs L about it but it’s Mrs G who might be organising something. He said he’s not sure of the formalities so he’ll let us know.

He then said how he spoke to Jake yesterday and he thinks he seems to be coping very well with it all. He also said he’s lucky to have me (although I reckon some girlfriends would help much more than me) and started asking when the funeral is and stuff. Of course, as soon as I went back into the common room, everyone wanted to know what he’d wanted. I didn’t say cos I didn’t want to bring the subject up cos it upsets me a bit still and I also don’t know how many people know.

Then, in Community Studies, Mrs L gave me a lift round to Mum’s primary school. She knows Jake’s family I think and she knows about me and Jake. She too was asking how he is and stuff and reassured me that all men bottle it up (we reckon cos they see it as being soft to show their emotions!).

Then she asked if I was going to the funeral. Every time someone mentions that I get a slight lump in my throat because I’ve heard about it from nearly everyone else but him. Although, as I think I’ve said before, if he does mention it, I won’t know what to say so maybe it’s better if he doesn’t.

I sent him a message during today and found out he was shopping in Manchester for a suit and shoes. My immediate thought was “Oooh, a suit!” cos I think lads look very nice in them but then it occurred to me that it might well be for the funeral on Monday. I didn’t ask.

I had a message from him last night which ended, “LOVE YOU TO BITS!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”. I needed to hear that.

Bye!

I can’t get any of it out of my head – 13th June 2000

Tuesday 13th First thing this morning, Bhakti came into our common room looking for Jake. He wasn’t in at that point so she came and spoke to me. She asked how he was and I had to say I didn’t know. She asked about the funeral and I had to say I didn’t know.

She seemed to think it was yesterday because he’d told her they were having it on Monday cos it’s his mum’s birthday. I told her that it’s probably next Monday cos that’s when her birthday is – on the 19th. That’s the only thing I could tell her, although if I hadn’t know when his mum’s birthday is, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her that either. She told me that people were asking for his address so they can send him cards and stuff. Also that his grades will go up by one too.

I get the feeling that people think I’m awful for not knowing anything about the situation and that I should but I don’t ask cos I don’t care. The truth is I do care but I don’t know anything because he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask because I’m scared of him resenting me for making him talk about something that he doesn’t want to talk about.

I think most people know what’s happened now. At 2nd lesson, just before Jake arrived, Freda told me she’d heard about his mum cos Miranda’s been invited to the funeral. This filled me with panic because if Miranda’s going and hasn’t even been going out with Robbie that long, what if Jake asks me??

I wouldn’t know what to do if he asked me to go. I’d feel awful saying no if he wanted me to be there but, if I went, I know I’d probably get upset by it and I’d also feel really uncomfortable because Jake’s kept me out of that part of his life really. I’d feel like I had no right to be there, as if I was intruding. Hopefully he won’t put me in that position. I’ve also got a Sports Studies mock exam on Monday but I could hardly use that as an excuse cos it seems so unimportant compared to someone’s funeral.

Sarah doesn’t think he’ll ask me because he’s kept me separate from it all so far but as soon as I told Hayley when the funeral is, she expected me to be going along without him even asking me. Abby says that if he asks me I “have to go” really. I’m so confused about what I should do.

I keep telling myself to forget about it for now and worry about it if he does ask me to go but then if he did and I hadn’t thought about it, I’d be stuck for words again. I’d planned the sort of thing I’d say to him when he told me she’d died but when it came to it though, my mind went totally blank. I just don’t know what to do.

He was being okay again when he came in. Bhakti found him and started talking to him about funerals and stuff so I left them to it because, again, I felt like it was a conversation that I shouldn’t have been listening to. I don’t know if that was the case though.

At the end of lunch, I asked if he was staying for the rest of the afternoon. He said no and that he wouldn’t see me until Friday. He didn’t say why and, yet again, I didn’t want to ask for fear of making him tell me something he didn’t want to.

In all my lessons after that, I felt like crying and if someone had raised their voice to me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to help it. I’ve kept crying a bit all evening at various times, mainly through the frustration of not being able to concentrate on revision because of all this and because I keep thinking about it all. I can’t get any of it out of my head.

At some point this week, I can see myself just crying uncontrollably because everything’s building up. I also remembered before that Jake’s going away in a few weeks for a month and I’m hardly getting to see him now. That’s really selfish, isn’t it? He’s got good reasons for not being around so much.

If I do snap, I really don’t want him to be around or anyone to tell him because I don’t think he realises this is all affecting me quite so much (although this is probably nothing compared to him and his family) and I don’t want him to have to worry about me as well or him to think I’m stupid for getting upset cos it’s not a member of my family that’s died recently.

I can’t get my head round all this. There’s no way I’m going to pass any of my exams so I don’t know how the heck Jake and Robbie are managing.

Bye!