Comfort eating McDonald’s – 3rd July 2000

Monday 3rd If all the days up until I see Jake again are going to go as slowly as today did then I’m never going to be able to cope!

I got a text message from him thought at 11:14 am which said, “HELLO! I THINK I’VE SORTED OUT THE PROBLEM WITH MY MSGS NOW! WE’RE UP A BIG HILL AT THE MOMENT – IT’S TOO HOT! LEAVING FOR NICE TONIGHT! LOTS OF LOVE!!! xJx”.

I sent him one back saying I hoped he was having more fun than I was stuck in a Biology lesson! He said, “WELL I’M PROBABLY HAVING MORE FUN BUT I MISS YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU NOW! CAN’T WAIT TIL WE GET TO HOLLAND!! LOVE YOU TOO!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”.

I’m glad he can send messages now, although I sent him another warning him that I’ve got a sore throat (I hope he doesn’t get it while he’s away!) and telling him I was comfort eating McDonald’s cos I miss him! I didn’t get a message back so I’m assuming it’s just cos he’s got no signal or cos I didn’t ask any questions or anything. I hope he’s okay!

Mum took me to the Trafford Centre tonight and I got a new camera and a pair of Skechers trainer things.

Oh no, Freaky Time has just started playing on my tape! And that Lonestar one was playing on the radio earlier along with that Christina Aguilera one which also reminds me of Jake slightly, probably only cos it’s between the other 2 on the CD.

I miss him already! All I want is one of his really nice big hugs right now!

Bye!

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What the hell am I supposed to do now??! – 18th June 2000

Sunday 18th Sarah was being normal with me again this morning but then I think she knows I wasn’t all that pleased with her last night.

I got a message off Gethin before saying Jake and I are 2 of the most antisocial people he knows and that Floyd’s annoyed with us. I sent him one back saying that I didn’t really feel like socialising with him or Sarah after they’d been so nasty and I asked why Floyd was annoyed.

Then Gethin phoned me. He said Floyd was annoyed cos we hardly spoke to anyone and that Sarah wasn’t pleased either. Apparently she said something to Henry Rockwell about it but I’m not sure what exactly. He really upset me and I couldn’t help but cry so I couldn’t say what I wanted to properly. He started going on about how, whenever we go out, it’s never on our own but then we pretty much ignore everyone else.

If I didn’t go out with them though, they’d be even more annoyed and if I didn’t go out with Jake, he would be. I can’t win! I go out with everyone to try not to cause that sort of trouble but it’s obviously not worked! What the hell am I supposed to do now??!

Hayley phoned before and told me she’s found a potential new boyfriend in the form of a cricketer at the Sports Club. That’s good cos he must be better than Andy! I told her what Gethin said and she thinks they’re being really unfair and selfish. I’m so glad she doesn’t agree with them! For all the times she’s been a pain in the neck and stuff, she’s still a good mate and usually sticks by me. She reckons Sarah’s jealous of me and Jake cos we’re happy together. I think Hayley understands more about why I want to be with Jake because she’s the same with Andy.

I sent Jake a message before asking if he got Gethin’s message cos Gethin said he’s sent him one saying pretty much the same as in the one he’d sent me. Jake’s reply was, “YEH I’VE JUST GOT IT! WELL WHAT DOES HE EXPECT? NOT MY FAULT I’M BESOTTED WITH YOU! WAIT – GETHIN JUST PHONED – ARE YOU UPSET WITH SARAH? HE SAYS YOU WERE REALLY UPSET! : (“.

This evening, I got an apology from Gethin that stretched over 7 text messages! It basically said how he’s so, so sorry and didn’t want to make me cry and how he’s just worried about me cos I’m going to need my mates when Jake goes away, blah, blah blah… more soppy crap about how much he cares about me… blah, blah… and how I can talk to him any time etc!

I didn’t answer cos I’m still quite annoyed because he had no right to say what he said cos he’d be no better if he had a girlfriend/boyfriend! He also apologised for saying what he said cos it was out of order. Too right it was!! I just want to know what triggered it all.

He seemed to think I was upset cos I’ve fallen out with Sarah which I haven’t. I spoke to her earlier and she reckons he was a bit over the top too. Maz P phoned her earlier so she’s happy!

I sent Jake a message to let him know Gethin had apologised and he replied saying that Gethin’s just concerned about me and that he is too. He said he doesn’t like seeing or hearing about me getting upset cos I’m not the type to get upset unless something’s really bothered me. He said he cares about me and doesn’t want to worry when he’s on holiday but that he will do all the time!

I sent him another telling him not to worry and that he shouldn’t have to bother about me while he’s away. He replied, “BUT I WANT TO BE BOTHERED ABOUT YOU! I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU ANYWAY – NEVER MIND WHEN I’M NOT GONNA SEE YOU! IT’S JUST NOT LIKE YOU…” and then, “YOU’RE SO STRONG AND MOTIVATED! I EXPECT IT FROM HAYLEY BUT NOT FROM YOU! I WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY AND SMILING – ALL THE TIME! I LOVE YOU! x”.

The second message made me feel like I’ve let him down or something because I got upset! I don’t think he meant it like that though.

He said he’s in college for an exam tomorrow so I’ll see him at lunch hopefully. He’s not mentioned anything about the funeral or anything so I’m not sure what’s going on there.

Bye!

He called me all the names under the sun – 17th June 2000

Saturday 17th It’s the village Millennium thing today. Mum and I went to see the floats which were actually quite good. Clara Taylor was on the schools one dressed up as Geri Halliwell in the Union Jack dress. She saw me and said to the girl next to her, “That’s my brother’s girlfriend”. I lip read her and Mum must have done too cos she said they’d been talking about me after I’d told Mum who she was!

Tonight was that party for Jake’s mate Alex at the leisure centre. Jake’s dad gave me, Sarah and that Marco lad a lift there. He told us that Jake had told him not to speak so it wasn’t too bad! He’s got a big, green, T-reg Merc!

Sarah and I felt very out of place at the party cos Gethin and everyone else was already drunk and we didn’t really know anyone. Jake stayed with me though, even though all his mates were there. Sarah and Gethin were being really nasty all night. They’d both drunk quite a bit and that’s the effect it had. They both kept snapping at me and making snide little comments. At one point later on, I saw someone tumble out of the door and fall down the steps onto the floor behind the next table and roll about a bit! I was very amused to see that it was Sarah and that she’d gained a huge hole in her tights and 2 grazed knees!!

We left Alex’s at about 11:30 and got a taxi back to Floyd’s cos he was having a gathering at his house. A few people were sat watching TV in the living room so Jake and I went in there. Everyone else wandered off into the kitchen so we took advantage of the fact we were alone to get a bit of kissing done!

At one point, everyone moved into the garden and then Gethin appeared at the window and started singing! I went to shut the window but he wouldn’t let me. Eventually he wandered off and I shut the curtains. Jake and I then carried on kissing.

Unfortunately, Gethin came in and started singing and wouldn’t go away. He knew perfectly well he was being annoying but when I told him where to go, he called me all the names under the sun and then went!

We got up to 3 on him and I had to keep an eye out for people coming in cos he was lying there with his eyes shut! Nothing happened cos first Cat ran in telling us she’d just been chased by a dog, then Floyd came in and told us Sarah had gone missing, and then Sarah came in and whinged she wanted to leave so we gave up! Lizzie was the only one who left us alone! I think she understands what it’s like to be interrupted thought! I hope nobody realised what I was doing!

Anyway, Sarah was sat with us for ages so I eventually told her to just phone for a taxi. It wasn’t even that late, she only wanted to go cos Gethin and Lizzie were in the garden together or something. The taxi came within about 5 mins so Jake and I were very pissed off!

I had to try and be nice to Sarah cos she was stopping over at mine. Maybe I was being a bit selfish wanting to stay when she didn’t but Jake said she was the one being selfish cos she wouldn’t have wanted to leave so soon if she’d been with Gethin.

Bye!

Some girlfriends would help much more – 14th June 2000

Wednesday 14th Mr H dragged me out of the common room today for “a quiet word”. Mum’s asked him if he knows if anyone in school has organised for donations to be sent wherever due to Jake’s mum because she says she wants to do something but doesn’t want to send anything to the family seeing as we don’t know them really. Mr H just told me to tell Mum that he’d spoken to Mrs L about it but it’s Mrs G who might be organising something. He said he’s not sure of the formalities so he’ll let us know.

He then said how he spoke to Jake yesterday and he thinks he seems to be coping very well with it all. He also said he’s lucky to have me (although I reckon some girlfriends would help much more than me) and started asking when the funeral is and stuff. Of course, as soon as I went back into the common room, everyone wanted to know what he’d wanted. I didn’t say cos I didn’t want to bring the subject up cos it upsets me a bit still and I also don’t know how many people know.

Then, in Community Studies, Mrs L gave me a lift round to Mum’s primary school. She knows Jake’s family I think and she knows about me and Jake. She too was asking how he is and stuff and reassured me that all men bottle it up (we reckon cos they see it as being soft to show their emotions!).

Then she asked if I was going to the funeral. Every time someone mentions that I get a slight lump in my throat because I’ve heard about it from nearly everyone else but him. Although, as I think I’ve said before, if he does mention it, I won’t know what to say so maybe it’s better if he doesn’t.

I sent him a message during today and found out he was shopping in Manchester for a suit and shoes. My immediate thought was “Oooh, a suit!” cos I think lads look very nice in them but then it occurred to me that it might well be for the funeral on Monday. I didn’t ask.

I had a message from him last night which ended, “LOVE YOU TO BITS!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”. I needed to hear that.

Bye!

I can’t get any of it out of my head – 13th June 2000

Tuesday 13th First thing this morning, Bhakti came into our common room looking for Jake. He wasn’t in at that point so she came and spoke to me. She asked how he was and I had to say I didn’t know. She asked about the funeral and I had to say I didn’t know.

She seemed to think it was yesterday because he’d told her they were having it on Monday cos it’s his mum’s birthday. I told her that it’s probably next Monday cos that’s when her birthday is – on the 19th. That’s the only thing I could tell her, although if I hadn’t know when his mum’s birthday is, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her that either. She told me that people were asking for his address so they can send him cards and stuff. Also that his grades will go up by one too.

I get the feeling that people think I’m awful for not knowing anything about the situation and that I should but I don’t ask cos I don’t care. The truth is I do care but I don’t know anything because he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask because I’m scared of him resenting me for making him talk about something that he doesn’t want to talk about.

I think most people know what’s happened now. At 2nd lesson, just before Jake arrived, Freda told me she’d heard about his mum cos Miranda’s been invited to the funeral. This filled me with panic because if Miranda’s going and hasn’t even been going out with Robbie that long, what if Jake asks me??

I wouldn’t know what to do if he asked me to go. I’d feel awful saying no if he wanted me to be there but, if I went, I know I’d probably get upset by it and I’d also feel really uncomfortable because Jake’s kept me out of that part of his life really. I’d feel like I had no right to be there, as if I was intruding. Hopefully he won’t put me in that position. I’ve also got a Sports Studies mock exam on Monday but I could hardly use that as an excuse cos it seems so unimportant compared to someone’s funeral.

Sarah doesn’t think he’ll ask me because he’s kept me separate from it all so far but as soon as I told Hayley when the funeral is, she expected me to be going along without him even asking me. Abby says that if he asks me I “have to go” really. I’m so confused about what I should do.

I keep telling myself to forget about it for now and worry about it if he does ask me to go but then if he did and I hadn’t thought about it, I’d be stuck for words again. I’d planned the sort of thing I’d say to him when he told me she’d died but when it came to it though, my mind went totally blank. I just don’t know what to do.

He was being okay again when he came in. Bhakti found him and started talking to him about funerals and stuff so I left them to it because, again, I felt like it was a conversation that I shouldn’t have been listening to. I don’t know if that was the case though.

At the end of lunch, I asked if he was staying for the rest of the afternoon. He said no and that he wouldn’t see me until Friday. He didn’t say why and, yet again, I didn’t want to ask for fear of making him tell me something he didn’t want to.

In all my lessons after that, I felt like crying and if someone had raised their voice to me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to help it. I’ve kept crying a bit all evening at various times, mainly through the frustration of not being able to concentrate on revision because of all this and because I keep thinking about it all. I can’t get any of it out of my head.

At some point this week, I can see myself just crying uncontrollably because everything’s building up. I also remembered before that Jake’s going away in a few weeks for a month and I’m hardly getting to see him now. That’s really selfish, isn’t it? He’s got good reasons for not being around so much.

If I do snap, I really don’t want him to be around or anyone to tell him because I don’t think he realises this is all affecting me quite so much (although this is probably nothing compared to him and his family) and I don’t want him to have to worry about me as well or him to think I’m stupid for getting upset cos it’s not a member of my family that’s died recently.

I can’t get my head round all this. There’s no way I’m going to pass any of my exams so I don’t know how the heck Jake and Robbie are managing.

Bye!

I didn’t know what to say – 8th June 2000

Thursday 8th Sarah, Gethin, Jake and I all went to the Trafford Centre this afternoon, mainly because Gethin wanted to go in Starbucks again! That’s where we ended up spending most of the day! We did wander round the shops for a while and when we were in Topshop, the lads raced over to stare at the shoe section as soon as one of them spotted a pair of cowboy style boots!

Neither of them can explain why they’ve got a thing for cowboy gear! Gethin asked Jake if he’d prefer a totally naked girl or one with cowboy stuff on to try and explain. Jake said it was totally different but eventually said cowboy stuff cos then lads can use their imagination too! It still didn’t explain the cowboy stuff though! There was also a poster of a model in a cowboy hat and bikini which they wanted to take down and put in the car to take home with them!

Jake dropped us all off at home on the way back and left me until last. By then I was still getting phone calls from Hugo as I had been doing all afternoon. I didn’t think anything of it cos Jake had his phone switched off and Hugo usually rings me if he can’t get through to Jake’s phone. I also didn’t think much of the fact the Jake wouldn’t let me answer it cos I know he doesn’t particularly like me talking to Hugo, probably for fear that he’s going to tell me stuff I don’t need to know!

Anyway, just as I was about to get out of the car when he pulled up by my house, he explained why he hadn’t wanted me to speak to Hugo. He told me that his mum died this morning and that he wanted me to hear it from him first rather than Hugo.

I was just totally shocked because he seemed so cheerful today and I didn’t think it would happen quite this soon either. I didn’t know what to say. I think I just said, “Has she?” first of all because I couldn’t quite believe it. He just said how he doesn’t really like talking about it so I said, “Fair enough” or something and gave him a hug cos he asked for one. We had a quick snog but his watch beeped and made us laugh so I went home.

It’s still not really sunk in. He just told me in such an “Oh by the way…” type way too. That was one of the last things I expected him to have told me after such a good day out. He also told me that he wasn’t “mega-upset” or anything.

I spoke to Hugo briefly this evening. He said he’d spoken to Jake who’d told him I looked a bit “shell-shocked” when he told me. Hugo also said that he hadn’t expected it either and that Jake’s probably not “mega-upset” because he knew it was going to happen and it was just more the when that was worrying him because of exams and stuff. Hugo also reckons it’s a bit of a weight off Jake’s shoulders too.

Apparently his sister, Clara, and their dad are most upset and they left it a while before telling Robbie because he had exams today. I think Hugo said that they’re not sure when they’re going to have the funeral because of all the exams and stuff but he was breaking up so I didn’t quite catch that bit.

Hugo repeated that Jake doesn’t tell many people about it because he doesn’t want them to think he’s doing it for attention. I wouldn’t think that but I know what he means. I’ve hesitated when deciding whether to tell people certain stuff before now for the same reason.

It took me ages to get round to telling my mum tonight. For a start, I didn’t know when or what to say to her so I just said it during Eastenders. I thought she was going to cry but she managed to control it and kept asking how Jake was. I had to say I didn’t know cos I really don’t. She kept saying how she felt sorry for them all, especially his dad.

I felt guilty telling her cos I don’t feel like I should cos it feels like it’s not my place to say cos it’s none of my business but she wouldn’t have found out another way soon, and if she’d have found out from someone else in the future somehow then she’d wonder why I hadn’t said anything now. I sort of had to tell her really.

I also told Abby because she’s known what went on before and if I hadn’t said something, Mum might’ve done. I’m assuming Dad knows too. I don’t think any of them’ll say anything to anyone.

Sarah rang me before and starting asking if I know why Hugo had been trying to phone so much (he also rang her, probably to get hold of me). I didn’t tell her at first cos, again, I didn’t feel like I should and also I didn’t want her to think I was trying to get attention if she thought I was upset (which is why I can see why Jake thinks that). She asked again later in the conversation and also if I thought something bad had happened so I sort of had to tell her then. I felt a bit guilty again.

She sent me a message before saying she’d had to tell her mum because she’d looked upset when she’d finished talking to me and her mum wanted to know why. Her dad probably knows now too but she says they won’t tell anyone else and neither will she.

Hayley phoned before. I didn’t tell her. Apparently Andy’s seeing another girl. I can’t say I didn’t expect it!

Hugo rang again just now. I’ve been on the phone to him for about 45 minutes! He can’t half talk, that lad!! We were just talking about Jake again as well as other subjects such as Hugo having a squirrel in his exam room! He also told me that Jake’s said he’s snogged about 20 people! That was one of those pieces of information I could’ve done without knowing!

I keep getting upset a bit at various intervals, although I feel like if Jake doesn’t seem that upset (which he probably is) then why should I be?

I think I need to get some sleep.

Bye!

All I seem to be able to think about is Jake! – 4th June 2000

Sunday 4th I’ve had a bit of a boring day really. Nothing’s happened of any interest really. I should’ve used the opportunity to get loads of revision done but I just couldn’t concentrate. All I seem to be able to think about is Jake!

I sent him a few messages and got a couple back that made me smile. One said, “HELLO!!! : ) I’VE JUST BEEN WATCHING THE MONACO GRAND PRIX! I’M GONNA TRY AND CRAM MY REVISION 2MORROW! I’M JUST GLAD I’VE GOT YOU AND I’M HAPPY! LOVE YOU LOADS TOO x”.

I then sent him one telling him I’d just got all wet and muddy while taking Rosie for a walk in the field and he said, “AAAHH NEVER MIND! I’M AT WORK! SOOO BORING! CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GONNA HAVE TO WAIT 2 WHOLE DAYS TO SEE YOU!! : ( IT’S SO UNFAIR!! LOVE YOU LOTS n LOTS!!! xJx”.

I’m going to have wait until Wednesday to see him cos he says he’s got to stay at home before then to do some last minute revision.

BYE!

P.S. I’ve just found another nice message on my phone that Jake sent me last night. I’d been moaning about not seeing him until Wednesday and he put, “HOW ARE YOU GONNA MANAGE? WHAT ABOUT ME! I’VE GOT TO TRY AND REVISE! YOU’LL BE WITH YOUR FRIENDS! WANT TO SEE YOUR CUTE FACE WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO SNEEZE! : ) xJx”.