Hayley, yet again, burst into tears – 22nd May 2000

Monday 22nd Jake was at Alton Towers today so I’ve not seen him at all. My mum said she saw his car parked near her school all day so he must have gone there with Ali Kershaw.

I got the results from my mock exams today. I got Es on both papers for Biology and a C on one Geography paper (not had the other one back yet). It’s not been such a good day. I liked college much better when Jake was there.

I’ve also had a bit of a falling out with Hayley. Rachael Hollins had been talking about Andy’s mates to Georgia Dean and Lena and had accidentally said “Andy” instead of someone else’s name as Hayley walked in. Hayley immediately ran off in floods of tears.

Later on, Hayley sat in the common room and Rachael was talking loudly about something which had no link to Hayley whatsoever but Hayley automatically assumed Rach was talking loudly just to wind her up when in actual fact she just always talks at that volume!

Then, after I had a free, Hayley came back from her lesson and said, “So, what’s the little bitch been saying about me then?” (meaning Rach who hadn’t mentioned Hayley) so I told her not to be so bleeding paranoid. Then she started going on about how she was going to snap soon (making it sound like she’s going to slap Rach or something) so I told Hayley that she’d better not expect me to stop talking to Rach and that Rach hadn’t even meant to say what she did in the first place.

Hayley, yet again, burst into tears saying, “It’s nice to know my best mates are sticking up for me!” extremely sarcastically. She’s been looking for an excuse to get at Rachael for ages cos she doesn’t like her much so she’s not prepared to listen to the truth cos she knows she’s in the wrong now and not Rach. Silly girl!!

I had another phone call from Hugo tonight. He told me more about Jake’s mum. He said she started off with breast cancer and it spread to her liver and now her brain and she’s got about a month left. He says she went into the hospice so that Robbie and Jake have a better chance of concentrating for their exams or something.

All day yesterday, I kept filling up with tears every time I thought about it and then there’s the affect it’ll have on Jake and I don’t know how to handle it really which is probably what’s upsetting me cos it’s all so horrible.

Hugo said tonight that Jake has asked him to mention it to me cos he doesn’t know how to tell me and doesn’t want me to think he’s doing it to get attention off me. I definitely wouldn’t think that!

Hugo also said that, yesterday, Jake had had to go out when his dad got home from seeing his mum cos he’d just broken down and Jake couldn’t bear to see him like that.

I’m finding it very difficult to write all this without crying now.

Hugo told me as well that he’d had messages off Jake saying how much he was glad he had him as a best mate and someone to love like he does me. Apparently Jake also said that he thinks I’m ‘the one’ but I’m not sure how much of all this is true due to Hugo being the one telling me. I get the impression that he’s not a reliable source of information!

I’m beginning to realise now why Jake’s not saying much to me about his mum. I mean, I can’t fully understand but I’m finding it difficult to speak to anyone about it myself, even though I want to tell someone cos it’s upsetting me too. I just don’t know what to say though and people might think I’ve not got any right to be upset about it so I’m tending to keep most of it to myself.

Just got a message from someone but the number at the top’s weird! I think it’s Hugo cos it starts, “YO TESS” like his always do. It mentions Jake and it doesn’t make much sense at one point! It says, “YO HI TESS GOT SICK OF TYPING ARE OFF THE NET SO HOW R U ITS GOOD THAT U AND JAKE ARE TOGETHER BECAUSE I THINK THAT U R PERFECT FOR HIM AND U MAKE A GOOD COUPLE!!” There’s also no punctuation in it which is another thing that makes me think it’s him!

Bye!

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We could tell he was pissed – 19th May 2000

Friday 19th All the Year 11s and College 2s left officially today so we stole the comfy chairs out of their downstairs common room and put them in ours!

I really don’t want Jake to leave college cos I’ve got so used to seeing him every day and I won’t anymore. I saw him this morning (he was wearing that lovely pink shirt that he won’t admit is pink!) but he went to The Coach and Horses with all his mates in the afternoon (fair enough) but then he came back towards the end of the day cos he had to get the school bus home cos he’d not brought his car cos he knew he’d be drinking!

He just came and sat in our room with us for a bit but we could tell he was pissed cos he couldn’t quite sit up straight and had to keep leaning on me! He also let me paint his nails again! He said he likes me doing it but he just doesn’t like the after effects!

He said he’s still got the present that Hayley and I gave him yesterday hanging in his car. He said his dad’s seem it and thought it was good but he didn’t tell him what each part represented. He told his sister though and she thought it was cool! Hmmm!

When the bell went for the end of school, he wouldn’t go! He just hung on to me saying “kiss” until I gave him one! I got up to get my bag and he hung on to my waist and cuddled me from behind and just said, “Love you”. He’s sooo sweet!

We’ve arranged to go to The Dog tonight so I’ll write about that tomorrow.

Bye!

He kept asking me if I loved Jake on film! – 18th May 2000

Thursday 18th I know I’ve not written anything for a few day but then not a lot’s been happening.

At lunchtime today, Jake took me, Hayley and Floyd on one last outing in his car before he officially leaves college tomorrow. He took us to The Farmer’s Arms pub because that’s where Floyd’s mum works and also where Floyd might end up living due to his mum getting an interview for manager or something.

Over the last week or so, I’ve noticed that Jake has been touching me (e.g. holding hands, arm round me, cuddling me, his hand on my leg and stuff) in college much more than usual. I don’t mind, in fact I prefer him like that than sat on a chair at the opposite side of the room from me but I don’t know what’s triggered it. I suppose it could be because we might not see each other quite so much once he’s left college so he’s making the most of it now. It could just be that we feel much more comfortable round each other now. I know I do!

Gethin had a video camera with him today. He’s started preparing for when we leave already! He say says he’s going to film us now and then do it again when we’re in College 2 and then make a copy for us all to keep so we can remember everyone.

He kept cornering me and he kept asking me if I loved Jake on film! I didn’t know what to say! I couldn’t say no because Jake will probably see it eventually but then I didn’t want to say yes because this time next year I might not be with him and I’d feel stupid for saying that, especially if I want to deny it then!

Quite a few people have written in Jake’s leaving book now so I had a bit of a read of it this morning. Some of it said about other people he’d snogged in the past when playing Spin the Bottle and stuff and matchmaking things which involved him and someone else being set up with each other.

I know it shouldn’t matter and doesn’t anymore, and it’s not like I’ve never had any other lads but I still got jealous reading about it, in a way! I suppose I just don’t like the thought of him having more girlfriends/snogs than I have, although I suppose he has had one extra year of life than I have to fit them in. I mean, I don’t know if he has and I think it’s that not knowing what he’s got up to and who with that I don’t like! Guess I’ll never know and I’m probably better off not doing!

Ha ha!! Robbie Taylor is going to ask that silly little Miranda girl in Year 9 out to the cinema! They’ve got each other’s phone numbers and all! She’s such a pain!! She stalked Jake for ages and used to hide from me and stuff when she discovered I’m his girlfriend! Sad!!

All the Year 11s are leaving tomorrow as well. It’s going to be really weird without them and the College 2s. I hope I’ll still get to see Jake a lot. I couldn’t bear not doing!

Hayley and I made Jake a leaving present! We made one of those Eye of God things that we used to make in Brownies (and it turns out he used to make them in Scouts too! Ha ha ha!!!). It wasn’t originally for him, we were just bored so we got two pencils and used some wool that was in the common room and made one to see if we could remember how to do it!

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The colours we used all seem to represent Jake through so we gave it to him and he’s put it in his car! He seemed to like it but was probably thinking ‘how sad’ really. I know Hayley and I were!!

Bye!

“Don’t I get a kiss goodbye?!” – 4th May 2000

Thursday 4th I had some text processing exam this morning. I missed out on the mock yesterday cos I was being sick but it seemed straightforward enough.

Jake’s so sweet! After college, his sister came to find him so he could take her to the stables so we both walked out of college together. We said goodbye quickly and I walked off, thinking he’d gone in the opposite direction with his sister. I hadn’t kissed him cos she’d been there cos he hadn’t wanted to last time we were around her. When I got to the photocopier in the library, I turned round and Jake was stood there and he said, “Don’t I get a kiss goodbye?!” I felt awful (so I gave him one)! He must have left his sister and followed me instead! 🙂

I remembered something from Monday before. When we were driving through Knutsford, I noticed that it was quite busy so I said, “Why are there so many cars about?” and Jake replied, “It’s May Day, dear!” That made Gethin and Hayley laugh (and me too) and they started going on about how he sounded like we were married! Hope so one day!!

Bye!

P.S. When I was in the library, I was photocopying something Floyd drew. It’s of his island that he’s going to buy when he’s rich. He says we can all live on it too so has given us areas. I’ve labelled it in pencil:

(It’s called New Cheshire!)

New Cheshire map

Sad, I know!! We were bored, okay?!

He was waiting for “that special moment” – 6th April 2000

Thursday 6th I’ve had a bit of a depressing day today. I saw Jake at break and he was being even quieter than usual but I didn’t really think anything of it then. At 3rd lesson, the whole college had an assembly for Mr S the IT teacher who died of cancer a day or so ago and, just before it when we were sitting down, I saw Jake go into Mr H’s office and then he went out of the room with a couple of people and didn’t came back for the assembly.

It was really sad actually, even though I didn’t really know Mr S very well. During it, I started thinking that maybe Jake hadn’t attended the assembly because of his mum as it might be upsetting but I didn’t know for sure.

At lunch, Hayley, Sarah and Floyd wanted to go to McDonald’s so we waited around to ask Jake to take us. It was only at 1:00 pm that I saw him walking back into college with Samantha B and Jenny S. He did come up but I went to the chippy pretty much straight away so I hardly saw him then. I thought it was odd that he hadn’t taken his car out with him and Hayley and Sarah agreed.

When we got back, Gethin said to me that he’d asked Jake if he’d told me he loves me yet and he said he was waiting for “that special moment” or something! Corny!! Mind you, this is only according to Gethin! He also asked if he did love me and apparently Jake sort of nodded.

At last lesson, Jake came in the common room and Vanessa Wood asked him if he was okay. As we were heading out to the garage, Samantha B did the same thing. We got back and he was still being strangely quiet. Gethin started asking him what was wrong and Jake said he was stressed about coursework and stuff. It was so obvious that that wasn’t all that was bothering him so I asked if he was okay myself. He said he’d tell me later cos there were loads of people about.

He then later dragged me out of the room and I’d guessed pretty much what he was going to say. He told me that the whole Mr S thing had put him in a weird mood cos he couldn’t face going to the assembly because his mum’s got cancer. I told him I knew and he said that he was sorry for worrying me and stuff and that he just went out at lunch with Samantha and Jenny because they’re the only ones that really know about it. I reassured him that it was okay and that I hadn’t really been worried and he put his arms out for a hug. I gave him one (and a kiss) of course and he was sat with his arm round my waist for quite a while.

Hayley told me earlier that, last night, she got another message from Jake saying he really, really likes me and doesn’t want to do anything to hurt me and asked if she’d tell him if there was anything wrong. Then today when I was out of the room he had a go at her about saying I was being neglected and that it was such a strong word or something, until she explained that I hadn’t been serious. When I came back in the room, he was trying to tell her to shut up, not realising that I knew about his message and he went all red when she carried on.

Went to Floyd’s tonight but it was boring so I came home quite early. I got a message from Jake when I was there asking if I wanted to go to Hugo Pratt’s tomorrow night. I asked if he was serious and he said, “I’M SERIOUS! HE SAID YOU COULD COME – WE USUALLY GO FOR A PIZZA THEN WATCH A MOVIE ON HIS POSH TV! AREN’T HAYLEY AND SARAH GOING TO LA BOWL? I WANNA BE WITH YOU! LOVE J xxxxx”. The Friday night plans have been changed already cos he’s working for a bit. We don’t know what to do now!

Bye!

I couldn’t like him much more than I do now – 5th April 2000

Wednesday 5th I went to that university exhibition thing at the MEN Arena in Manchester today. A big group of us went but we had to get ourselves there because college didn’t bother to tell us until yesterday morning. We got a bus from school to the station and a train from there to Piccadilly.

When we arrived, I just wandered round getting prospectuses with Cat. It was okay until we headed for home and then we kept losing people and going for food at different times so we missed buses and trains so everyone ended up getting annoyed with each other!!

By this afternoon, I still hadn’t had any messages off Jake so I was whinging a bit. Hayley then decided to send him one telling him to send me one because I was feeling neglected but, as she was writing it, I got one anyway. He then sent her one asking why I was feeling neglected and if I was okay. Poor lad probably thought I was annoyed with him cos I’ve not seen much of him this week!

I’ve been looking through the uni stuff (it’s scary!) and Huddersfield do actually do Physiotherapy. I do wasn’t to go somewhere round that area, like Bradford or Leeds, but they want higher grades and Huddersfield don’t really. I sent Jake a message pointing out that he might get stuck with me for another few years and he said, “YEH THAT WOULD BE TOP! DON’T U THINK IT’S FUNNY HOW THINGS WORK OUT SOMETIMES?? LOVE YOU TOO (LOTS N LOTS) : ) xxxxx”. It’d only be good if we’re still together which, realistically, might not be the case. Hopefully it will be though!

As well as keeping telling me to sleep with Jake, Gethin also keeps asking me if I love him. I say it in messages but I really don’t know if I do or not. I can say that I couldn’t like him much more than I do now though!

Bye!

We were all over each other! – 6th March 2000

Monday 6th I had a day off college again today which I didn’t like doing but had to because my face and ears were so sore this morning. I’m still deaf on one side as well and I’m getting sick of it! Mum’s making a doctor’s appointment for me tomorrow morning. 😦

Woke up to 2 texts. One was from Sarah asking where I was and the other was from Floyd asking the same thing and pointing out that I couldn’t be “fucking Jake” because he was in college. Floyd’s message annoyed me. I did not need to wake up to that.

I sent Jake a message at lunch asking if anything was happening. His reply said, “NO NOT MUCH HAPPENING! I FEEL REALLY GUILTY FOR GIVING YOU THAT HORRIBLE COLD! I HOPE U HAVEN’T TOLD YOUR MUM I GAVE IT TO U! WHAT DID THE DOC SAY? LOVE YOU LOADS xxx”.

I sent him one back explaining that I didn’t go to the doctor and that he shouldn’t feel guilty because I knew he’d been ill and I should’ve controlled myself at Brian’s. He texted me back saying, “YEH WELL, I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T – IT WAS A GOOD NIGHT! JUST FOUND OUT THAT FREDA’S HAVING A BIG PARTY IN THE SUMMER – HER PARENTS R GOING AWAY FOR A WEEKEND ; ) BYE BYE xx”. Good, I need a party! Shame it’s not a bit sooner though.

When Abby got in from school she told me that Jacqueline had been talking Samantha Beck again and Sam’d said that, even though Jake and I haven’t been together for ages, we look really close – like we’ve been together for ages. She also said that when she turned round at one point, we were all over each other! That must’ve been the same time as Hayley and her brother sneaked off!

Jake’s actually made me a bit wary of what I say and do now because he says there’s a few of them in his year, including Samantha, who have a free periods at the same time and they discuss everything. Oh dear! Mind you, I might discuss stuff with my mates about him too, depending on what it was.

Bye!