How far did she think that was going to go??! – 30th January 2001

Tuesday 30th
9 weeks + 2 days to go!

I have had such a bad day today! Nothing majorly terrible went wrong, it’s just been loads of little things that have built up over the day and have finally reduced me to tears this evening.

I mean, the main reason I’m not as happy as I could be at the moment is, obviously, that Jake’s so far away for so long.

Then on top of that, our holiday plans fell through but I suppose we are still going anyway, as long as he gets back alive and in one piece and I stay alive and in one piece!

Then there have been all these other people pairing off (e.g. Dec and Lizzie) and normally I’d be happy for them (I am really) but it does sort of keep reminding me of the fact I’m on my own.

Anyway, today seemed to start okay apart from the rain but once I got to college, I didn’t know what to say to Sarah and it was a bit awkward at first until the subject of her not telling Cat about Barcelona came up. Then I just found myself getting annoyed with her which made matters worse cos she then started apologising loads which just irritated me even more!

Then Rachael Hollins started telling us about the latest Hayley stuff with her (she hates Rach now too!) and Sarah started saying how she knows Hayley’s a pain and that Hayley’s been a bitch to her too but it’s just “easier” to be nice to her. That annoyed me too cos people being soft is what Hayley relies on to keep herself in with groups of people. I mean, I know Sarah can’t help being nice, and that’s a good thing, but I can see her letting Hayley become a good friend again and then sooner or later falling out with her and getting upset all over again. Hayley’s not worth that!

The next thing to annoy me was Cat when we were checking our e-mails. I had one and she didn’t so she sat looking over my shoulder saying how unfair it is that I get e-mails nearly every day, and long ones at that, and nobody else gets any. Why shouldn’t I?! She makes me feel guilty though cos I know how I’d feel if it was the other way round but then would she be bothered about me like that?

Next thing to happen was in McDonald’s. I bought a supersize meal with tonnes of chips, only to discover after I’d paid that there was no barbeque sauce! So, instead, the stroppy bitch behind the counter gave me ONE crappy little sachet of ketchup!

How far did she think that was going to go??!

I asked for some more so she gave me about 15 of them! Stupid cow! Not only is it cheap, crappy ketchup but it’s not even in little pots anymore so you have to squeeze it onto something in order to dip your chips in it!

Then, in the car on the way back, Lizzie bloody Bond squirted the contents of her inhaler into my left eye! It wasn’t like it was an accident either! She’s been pissing about with it for ages and then did that to gain a bit of attention, I suppose! Well, she got some bloody attention alright! I didn’t know I had it in me to growl “WHAT?!?” so loudly when she asked me some inane question about something outside the car!

When we got back to college, I then had the ‘pleasure’ of being forced to watch Lizwad and Declan slobbering all over each other! She drags him over to where there’s a large group of people so they can snog and stuff, rather than move to a quiet corner. It’s just to show each other off and rub it in a bit more!

Not only that but when Dec was over the other side of the room, Lizwad was sat all over Gethin then Karen then Dougie and then Robbie Taylor, even when he was sat next to Emma!

The day at college was almost over when I made the mistake of saying my watch strap smells of Jake (I sprayed I with his aftershave!) to Sarah. If she’d have rolled her eyes any more, they’d have disappeared into the back of her head forever!

I couldn’t believe it! I mention him once and I get a reaction like that after I’ve sat through hours of her going on + on + on + on + on + on + on about her ‘Mazzles’! I did have a bit of a go at her and then went quiet before getting “Ooooh, moody!” off bloody Cat! Oh, and she never goes on about Mr L, does she?! Hah, like fuck she doesn’t! Cat is also pretty well known for her mood swings so has no right to call me moody!

After college, I had to put up with Swing Band. Mr P had a go at me and Emma for chatting and then we played the crappest tunes we’ve got!

I mentioned to Emma about everyone’s parents going away in the summer and as soon as I said they Taylor’s dad’s going away, she mumbled something and smiled oddly and then wouldn’t tell me what she said. So, a nice bit of paranoia to end my day at school!

I then tried to tell Cat about Maeve Ackerley getting on my nerves by showing off by playing her flute with one hand and stuff, only to see Maeve stood in close proximity!

I then tried to tell my sister how, for some reason, everyone’s been irritating me today and she said really nastily,” Well, everyone pisses you off!” Bitch!

When I got home, I was just waiting for a phone call from Jake when Abby decided to go on the internet. She wasn’t even doing anything important, just chatting to someone. I was pleading with her to go offline so Jake could phone but she dug her heels in and said she’d only be longer if I didn’t go away.

That upset me cos I really needed to speak to Jake after such a crap day and Mum saw us arguing, told us we’d better have sorted it out by the time Dad got home cos he’s had some bad news, slammed the door and took Mollie out for a walk. Great, bad news!

Jake did phone at about 4:45pm but I spent most of the phone conversation crying down the phone at him saying what a rotten day I’ve had! As usual, he didn’t have much to tell me so we got onto the subject of holidays which cheered me up quite a bit! I love him so much! He can usually make me feel better and he actually listens to me… not that he’s got much choice, I suppose!

I was fine until later on when Mum depressed me again. First of all she started talking about those doctors who’ve taken babies organs and said Grandma L says it’s not as bad as when she was a nurse cos if a baby was born disabled, they just let it die and other awful things like that. She said Grandma didn’t realise how awful it was for families until Auntie S had Iain, who was still born. That upset me to hear all that.

Then, Mum told me that bad news that Dad got. Apparently we owe LOADS of tax (I don’t really understand) and we have no money at all. This has now worried me cos how am I going to go to uni? I know there are ways but I don’t understand money stuff. Mum and Dad also want to pay for my driving lessons too but what with?

Right, that’s about it, I think! My arm’s aching from writing now! I don’t know what’s been up with me today really. Stuff that wouldn’t normally bother me has really got to me instead. Oh well, I’m going to bed!

Bye!

Today’s emails →

30-01-01 Jake email30-01-01 Tess email

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I hope he wasn’t being seriously slimy! – 24th August 2000

Thursday 24th I got this e-mail from Jake today. →

Jake cruise email 4

It’s not very long cos it was just to let me know the new e-mail address he’s using. He said he wasn’t getting my mails to him so he’s trying a new address. I hope this one works.

I spoke to him on the phone today anyway. He was in Corsica on a pink beach with a lizard on his bag or something! It was a more cheerful conversation than the one on Tuesday cos we didn’t get onto the subject of Canada. It came up but we didn’t go into it.

Mum was there when he phoned and she asked me to ask him how the food was. The little creep said, “Nice but not as good as her cooking!” I hope he wasn’t being seriously slimy!

My mum told me today that Jake comes across as being an intelligent sort of lad and that he’s very nicely spoken!

I did send a few texts to Jake today to ask when he’s going to Scotland with his Venture Scouts. He told me that’ll be at the end of September but he’s going again for a few days in October to visit friends and to scatter his mum’s ashes. I can’t help but wonder where they’re being kept now.

I went with Mum up to Grandma S’s again today cos she and Auntie G had met up with Auntie Jean + Uncle Alf + Auntie May at the hotel nearby. Uncle Alf knew Grandad from when they were quite young. Alf’s a few years older than my grandad was and Mum told me that they used to live nearby each other and one day Uncle Alf went round to where Grandad lived and asked, “Can I play with your little boy?” and they were friends ever since.

Uncle Alf wrote a letter to my mum recently asking if he could see a log book which she has of my grandad’s from the war so she took it with her today.

Alf letter page 1 2000

Alf letter page 2 2000

Grandad with bicycle

[Grandad and his bike. I guess he had a photo taken there because of the W Simpson sign in the background!]

CYMERA_20180715_194142.jpg

[The log book from when he was an observer/navigator during the Second World War.]

Grandad RAF Egypt

[Grandad (left) and his mate Les during the war. He never wanted to (and never did) get in a plane again once it was over.]

 He and Auntie May were really nice. He kept telling us loads of stories about what he and Grandad got up to and Auntie May was really sweet and smiley! I think Mum thought I was bored but I wasn’t really!

Abby got her GCSE results today. The swotty little cow (yes I am jealous!) got 2 A*s and the rest As. Oh, except a B in either French or English Speaking + Listening but it rounded up to an A. That makes me feel thick!

Robbie Taylor did well too. Jake told me he got 4 As, 3 Bs and 3 Cs. His are the only other ones I know.

Bye!

She scared us all so much! – 23rd August 2000

Wednesday 23rd We did end up coming home today. I wasn’t sure that we would cos of Grandma but we just left at about 11am rather than 6am so we could see how things were going for her.

We didn’t get chance to say goodbye to Rhian, Tom or Minnie cos by the time we’d woken up, they were already at school. It was awful saying goodbye to Auntie S cos she put on a brave face up until she said goodbye to Dad and then burst into tears. She was very worried about Grandma and Mum and Dad felt really guilty about leaving then.

We called in at the hospital on the way home. I thought I’d be okay and I was until we had to leave. She was much better this morning but seeing her sitting in the chair, all wrapped up in a blanket, made her look really small and old.

I think she got a bit upset at us leaving too and I kissed her on the cheek and had to stand behind Mum and not look at Grandma cos I could feel my eyes filling up. I tried to control it but as soon as I left the room I was in floods of tears. I couldn’t help it. I know it’s awful but I couldn’t stop thinking what if that’s the last time I see her.

Seeing Wick disappear into the distance when going home is always bad enough but this time was far worse. I’m crying even now thinking about Grandma. She scared us all so much!

When we reached Perth today though, Auntie S rang and told us Grandma’s back at home. I’m so glad! They apparently gave her the choice of staying in hospital for longer or going home but getting proper home help which I think she’s refused to have before now. She chose the 2nd option, obviously.

I’m home now too now which means I can get back to doing my coursework (oh joy!) again.

Bye!

Jake cruise email 3

P.S. The e-mail at the top of the page is one I got from Jake today.

 

“Susan? Do you need any help?” – 22nd August 2000

Tuesday 22nd I woke up to a message from Jake this morning which said, “HELLO!!! : ) : ) : ) JUST GOT TO GIBRALTA! IT’S A BIG ROCK! THANKS FOR LEAVING THOSE VOICE MSGS! : ) NOW I CAN LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE WHENEVER I WANT! : ) SENT YOU SOME E-MAILS FOR YOU TO READ SO YOU CAN REPLY IF YOU WANT! : ) MISSING U LIKE CRAZY! CAN’T TEXT YOU AT SEA WHICH IS HORRIBLE! : ( NOT GONNA ASK WHO DUNCAN IS BUT HE BETTER NOT BE INTERESTED! : ) YOU’RE PROBABLY IN BED SO I’LL PHONE YOU LATER! LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! : ) xJx”.

The bit about the voice messages and Duncan were cos on Saturday when I was a bit pissed, I tried to ring him but got his answer service and then sent him a text meant for Sarah about Duncan! Ooops!!

Anyway, I was still pissed off with him cos of that e-mail so the reply I gave him was very short and said something sarcastic like, “Yeh, it really sounds like you’re missing me” or something! He then said, “I AM MISSING YOU – A LOT! : ( : ( : ( IT’S GOING FASTER THAN LAST TIME BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH! WHEN DID YOU REPLY TO MY MAIL? LOTS OF LOVE! xJx”.

I can’t remember what I said to that but it can’t have been very nice cos he said, “HEY, THIS ISN’T FAIR! YOU’RE MAKING ME FEEL REALLY GUILTY – BUT YOU WON’T MIND THAT! I’M MISSING YOU SOOO MUCH – DON’T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS THAT ANY MORE! YOU’RE ALWAYS ON MY MIND AND I WANT YOU TO STAY THERE ALL THE TIME! DON’T WANT TO GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND! MOST OF THE CONVERSATIONS I HAVE WITH PEOPLE INVOLVE YOU! EVERYONE IS MISSING THEIR G’FRIENDS/B’FRIENDS AND WE’RE ALL MOANING COS WE CAN’T TEXT! : ( LOVE xJx”.

After I’d calmed down a bit, I texted him again just asking what he was doing. He said, “I WAS JUST LOOKING ROUND THE SHOPS! I’M SORRY IF I’VE WORRIED YOU BY WHAT I WROTE IN THE E-MAILS! JUST COS I TALK TO GIRLS DOESN’T MEAN I’M CHATTING THEM UP OR VICE VERSA! YOU KNOW FULL WELL I’M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING! NOBODY IS TRYING TO PULL ANYONE ELSE AND WE ALL GET ON WELL! AND I AM THINKING OF YOU x”.

I hadn’t actually mentioned the e-mail once (although I think it was pretty obvious to him that I wasn’t pleased about something) so for him to know that was what I was annoyed about, he must have known it’d worry me or he wouldn’t have guessed. I told him that and he said, “NO BUT THE WAY YOU SAID “YEH SURE THEY ARE” IN YOUR LAST MSG WHEN REFERRING TO EVERYONE MISSING PEOPLE! YOU’RE RIGHT THOUGH – I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID THAT IN THAT WAY! I DIDN’T MEAN TO TRY AND MAKE YOU JEALOUS – I WANTED TO MAIL YOU BUT I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT COS I HADN’T DONE MUCH! I’M SORRY! I’LL PHONE YOU AFTER LUNCH! LOVE xJx”.

He phoned at about 1:30pm I think and we talked for about an hour. I’m not entirely sure what about though! He reassured me that he’s not done anything he shouldn’t and that he’s actually bored most of the time cos he can never find the people he’s made friends with during the day. He told me there at 3 girls he talks too and they’re a couple of years older but live around us so they’re fairly normal and not posh rich people. He says he’s kept one of the voice messages I left so he can hear my voice when he can’t speak to me on the phone.

He rang me back again at about 5:30pm to speak before the shop moved cos it’s at sea again until Thursday. This time it was depressing cos we got on to the Canada subject. He said there’s no way he’d have gone there if he’d met me earlier. That’s sooo annoying!

Anyway, he said he loved me and then had to go cos his signal was going. He also said he wanted a postcard so I went and got him one as well as a present that cost me a whole £9.99 which is a pottery fairy in a jar. It just made me giggle cos it’s really cute so I bought it. He’ll probably laugh at me!

This evening was horrible. Grandma L got ill. We’d noticed that she’d been in her pyjamas all day and also that she’d been breathing differently but because she never complains, plus she’s been like that before, we never thought anything of it. That was until she got diarrhoea and started being sick and complaining of chest pains.

Auntie S, Mum and Dad were really worried and called out the doctor. He came and decided she’d be best in hospital and phoned and ambulance. Mum took Tom and Minnie out to walk the dog but Rhian, Abby and I stayed upstairs so we could hear what was happening cos nobody would tell us, probably to stop us worrying but that just made us worry even more.

Auntie S was rushing round getting some of Grandma’s things together and, even though she was really sick, I still heard Grandma say, “Susan? Do you need any help?” That nearly made me cry but I managed to control it.

But then, just as the paramedics were wheeling her out (which she didn’t put up a fight against like she would’ve done if she was feeling a bit better – I also heard Auntie S say Grandma actually seemed pleased to see the doctor which she’s never been pleased about before which was worrying), Tom and Minnie got back. Tom’s face set me off crying cos he was blinking back the tears and trying to smile when he was so obviously really upset.

Rhian, Abby and I then got out of the house and went to Laura’s for a bit. Kate was there so we got a chance to say goodbye before we go home to England.

When we got back, Dad and Auntie S were ringing round people telling them what had happened. Every time the phone rang, everyone got really worried again, thinking it was the hospital.

I don’t think I’ll be sleeping too well tonight.

Bye!

It sounds so much like he’s missing me….. NOT! – 20th & 21st August 2000

Sunday 20th We didn’t do much today cos Rhian was recovering from last night and Abby and I were tired. We just wandered round the town and then Auntie S forced Rhian to buy Maureen (Laura’s mum) some flowers and take them round and apologise for being sick on her walls and carpet!

Bye!

P.S. Poor Milly the cat died today. 😦

Monday 21st I went online today and this e-mail had come for me. I was so pleased cos I can’t stand not having any contact with Jake!

Jake email 1.jpg

I sent him this one back. →

Reply to Jake email 1

I do realise that I’ve put the bit about Hugo twice!

I can’t find any sellotape or scissors in this house which is why those are stuck in so badly!

Rhian, Abby and I went to find out how much belly button piercing is today but it’s £35-40 and you have to be over 18 or have a parent’s permission which we aren’t and don’t, and Abby told the bloke she’s 16 when he asked so we can’t lie about our age either!

We also went to John o’ Groats for a bit this afternoon. We didn’t stay long but Mollie still got loads of attention from tourists. I suppose it’s cos she’s a Scottie dog in Scotland!

Bye!

CYMERA_20180708_183852.jpg

P.S. Just been back online and I got the e-mail that’s stuck on the next page off Jake. I am not impressed by that e-mail. And it sounds so much like he’s missing me….. NOT!

He sounds like he’s trying to make me jealous/worried or something. I’ve underlined the bits that give me that impression.

Jake email 2

He’s not reacted to anything I said in my last mail either or asked about me once. Charming! I bet he’s not told “all these girls” he’s got a girlfriend either!

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit over the top but this is my immediate reaction. I might have calmed down by the time he rings me in the morning or whenever, that’s if he’s not busy talking to all these new “friends” he’s made!

I have 3 choices of reaction to him tomorrow:-

  1. Act totally normal and pretend I don’t care.
  2. Try and make him jealous by going on about what a good time I’m having and exaggerate on anything that’s happened involving lads e.g. if I said hi to someone then I tell him I had a deep and meaningful heart to heart or something. And also tell him how many nights out I’ve got planned when I go home e.g. Hayley’s asking me to go to Mr Smith’s (which is true, by the way!) cos she’s got 8 free tickets for her birthday.
  3. Sulk.

I’ll decide which one when he actually rings after I’ve seen what he’s like.

Bye!

“Look at the arse on that!” – 19th August 2000

Saturday 19th Rhian, Abby and I all went into Wick today. There were some youngish lads walking behind us at one point and then they said, “Look at the arse on that!” and then were kicking stuff at me and trying to make me turn round so they could see what I looked like. I didn’t react.

We met up with Laura and Tamara again who was still babysitting the same baby. Apparently he was the 1st Millennium baby in Wick or something and he’s really cute!

The lads round here tend to drive round in circles and there were 3 cars that kept driving past us. One was the red Ford Fiesta which we always saw last year but it only had Greg Thompson in it (who’s actually improved since I last saw him). Another was a black VW containing Stephen something and 2 others. The other one was a blue Nova which had Mark Ferguson in the back but it wasn’t much good cos I couldn’t see him cos of the tinted windows!

I also saw my ex, Duncan Morgan, for the 1st time since last summer. He was just walking along and didn’t speak to us.

Jake phoned me this evening. He was on the cruise ship and was just setting off from Southampton. He told me that it was about 50/50 with old and young people. I was hoping it was going to be all old people cos that way he’d be less likely to get up to stuff! Not that he will anyway but I can’t help being paranoid!

He told me that he’s got my necklace around his wrist so he can think about me even more and not lose it. It was a bit upsetting talking to him cos I won’t be able to again until at least Tuesday cos he has no signal on his phone out at sea. Plus he told me Hugo was already eyeing up girls and I assume he’ll have to hang round with him cos he doesn’t know anyone else.

Ohh, I’m going to miss him sooooo much! I am doing already. I just feel so far away from him.

It was Laura’s dad’s birthday today so they had a party at their house tonight and we were invited. I saw Kate and Amelia again which was nice cos we were good friends with them last year. Duncan eventually said hi to me and let me take a photo of him! Tamara got very pissed and cried cos she didn’t want me, Abby and Kate to go back to England again! Laura was on the phone to Mark Ferguson nearly all night apologising about something and Rhian spewed everywhere in the house and on Amelia! Abby and I were sober compared to that lot!

Due to Rhian’s “illness” we had to come home early but it was still quite good.

Bye!

Living off Kit Kats and bananas – 18th April 2000

Tuesday 18th I’ve had a fairly boring day today. Hayley was bored too so we met up in her village for a while this afternoon and were bored together.

I went to see my Grandma S tonight. She’s living off Kit Kats and bananas at the moment. Mum’s really worried about her and now I’m really worried about Mum cos she’s not getting much sleep now.

Jake’s out in Warrington tonight. I could’ve gone but he didn’t really give me much notice and a loads of my sister’s mates were going too. I’ve had some nice messages off him though, such as when I offered to leave him alone so he could get drunk. He said, “NO! DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE BEING WITHOUT YOU!! LOVE YOU LOADS xxxxx”. Then later I got, “HONESTLY I’M NOT DRUNK! OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO TEXT YOU!! I NEVER WANT ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU! : ) LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! xxxxx”. Aaahh, sweet!

Bye!