I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!! – 12th June 2000

Monday 12th I spoke to Miranda again very briefly this morning. I asked if she’d spoken to Robbie and how he was. She told me she had and that he seemed okay. At that point, I should’ve walked off faster cos she said that Robbie had told her something about Jake and what he drops in the bath. Her friend then put her hand over Miranda’s mouth and told her not to say anything cos it’s disgusting and would put me off. I told her to tell me anyway cos I’d be wondering what she was going to say for ages otherwise. She made me promise not to say anything and then told me that Jake leaves hairs in the bath and also on his wooden bedroom floor with bits from his feet! Yuk!! I’ll remember that if I ever want to put myself off the lad!

I had a conversation with Philip Daly this morning too. He was just saying how Floyd’s having a party at the weekend and stuff. At least he doesn’t think I hate him anymore!

Jake only came after college today so I only got about an hour with him before he went round to Gethin’s for tea. He said if he’d gone home he’d only have had to make his brother’s tea as well as his own and his sister only eats about 3 different things which makes it difficult!

We did some quiz out of the newspaper on him and it turned out as saying he’s “somewhat feminine”!

The fact the Jake and Gethin have become such good mates is nice cos it’s better than him not getting on with my friends but it also worries me greatly! When I’m not there, I know they discuss things that they wouldn’t when I’m around! I’m a bit bothered that Gethin interfering might push Jake into taking things further with me cos it’ll shut Gethin up, rather than cos he wants to. I’m also worried that he’ll discuss stuff we’ve already done and assess it or something!

Okay, so I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!!



Trouser equipment models – 10th & 11th June 2000

Saturday 10th I got a message from Jake this morning saying he’d been to Manchester. I think I remember him saying he was going for stuff for his Europe train thing. I don’t want him to go there either, although I don’t want to stop him!

Hayley phoned before. I said something about Jake not wanting to stay at home last night and she asked if it was his mum was worse or something. I ended up telling her what’s happened cos she’s known she’s been ill and, again, I didn’t want to lie. I still feel like I shouldn’t have said anything though.


Sunday 11th Mum took me, Cat and Lizzie to the Sheffield Hallam open day. We got a puncture on the M62 and had to wait about 30 mins for the AA. We were 9 miles from Huddersfield (nearest place) and the AA man was from there (he said it’s good for nights out!). Mum reckons it’s a sign I should go there! At this point in time, I hope I can!

We finally arrived at Sheffield. I didn’t like the actual place much but the Collegiate Crescent campus is really nice. I think, so far, it’s my second choice after Huddersfield (if I have a choice).

We met up with an old friend of Cat’s called Claire. She seems nice. We wandered round, went to the Physiotherapy lecture then came home. I’ve decided I’m not that bothered if I don’t get to do Physiotherapy anymore.

I cut this out of a newspaper magazine cos I thought it was a bit odd the way at which some of it links with each other. →


Jake’s Libra, I’m Scorpio, by the way. It’s probably bollocks and they probably all link if you think about them enough but never mind!

Gethin was telling me on the phone today that on Friday before we went out, Jake had been reading an FHM magazine. Apparently he’s spent most of his time looking at an article on some woman that makes blokes’ trouser equipment models out of clay and also an article on how to improve your kissing!

It’s the kissing one that interested me most cos Gethin said it was stuff about kissing necks and ears, and something about top and bottom lips. I did actually notice that Jake’s been kissing my neck and ears more recently! I’d rather he didn’t but I wonder if it FHM thing is why!!

Gethin also keeps going on about how I should get a cowboy hat etc. cos it’d really make Jake happy and that he’d do anything for me if I wore the gear! Gethin’s beginning to annoy me now by keeping on saying it but I have to say, if I had money, I’d be tempted to spend it on that!!


He’s just got good taste, that’s all!! – 6th & 7th June 2000

Tuesday 6th Well, I successfully failed my first Biology module exam this afternoon! Hardly any of the stuff I’d revised was on the bloody paper! Typical!! I’ll just have to re-sit!

I need to see Jake! I just want a hug and a decent kiss off him! The problem is, 4 days is nothing compared to how long we’re going to be apart in the future! He sent Gethin a message today which included the words, “I MISS TESS!” Actually, that could’ve been one that he sent him last night that Gethin just decided to show me.

I found out that Philip Daly (Floyd’s brother in Year 7!) has admitted he’s bisexual and that he fancies Jake. I felt really sorry for him cos he’s been worrying that I hate him cos of that so I made sure I let him know that I didn’t! He’s just got good taste, that’s all!!

I’ve been reading the leaflet that came with the Dianette. There are tons of side effects. They’re all horrible blood clot things, weight gain, severe depression and stuff! I’m a bit worried actually!


Wednesday 7th I was reunited with Jake again today! 🙂 There’s not really much to tell though. I only got quick kisses, no snogs, but at least I saw him! He had a Physics exam this afternoon (which he came out of saying he’d failed! I know the feeling!!) so he was revising this morning. There was one section in his textbook that involved the name ‘Bond’ and the word ‘tesla’ (whatever that is!) and he said he can remember that bit because it’s like Lizzie Bond and me!

Abby’s now going out with Connor Benson from kickboxing. His best mate, Chris T from kickboxing who she originally fancied, doesn’t know yet! I sense trouble! Wonder why?!



I denied all knowledge of the stains – 5th June 2000

Monday 5th I got some more messages off Jake in the night. I’d been lying in bed, thinking about stuff we’d done together over the time we’ve been going out so I sent him a message asking if he was still awake and then which night together he thought was best. He replied, “I’M AWAKE! HMMM IT WOULD EITHER BE LAST TUES AT GETH’S, THE FRI YOU LEANT ME YOUR FLEECE, THE NIGHT WE MET – HAPPIEST NIGHT EVER! – OR FRI BUT I’D WANT TO DO IT AGAIN SO I COULD CHEER U UP! WHY? xJx”.

I told him I’d just been wondering and then said that we never know what’s going to happen and we might have even better nights yet to come! He said, “I HOPE SO!!! : ) IF THAT WAS THE WORST IT’S GONNA GET I CAN LIVE WITH IT! I’M GLAD WE’VE TAKEN THINGS AS WE HAVE COS THERE’S NO RUSH! I LOVE YOU xxx JAKE xxx”.

I hope we’ve not spoken too soon saying that the worst night was on Friday and stuff! I told him I’m glad we haven’t rushed it too and then asked how come he’s so patient cos other lads usually push girls to go all the way pretty quickly. He said, “DON’T KNOW COS I’M NOT THE PATIENT TYPE! THEN AGAIN I’VE LEARNT A LOT ABOUT MYSELF! NEVER THOUGHT I’D FIND SOMEONE I LOVED THIS MUCH!! YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO LOSE! xJx”.

I really can’t believe he loves me!! 🙂 He makes me so happy!! The way this has all gone and is still going is one of those relationships where, if we were in a soap opera, it’d be going really well and then something bad happens! I hope it doesn’t end up like a Titanic or Romeo and Juliet sort of ending!!

Sorry, that’s so negative! I mean, things like this have gone well and have lasted forever for other people so why shouldn’t it for us?! It just all seems too good to be true at the moment!

Anyway, I sent him another message telling him to let me know if his patience ever definitely runs out. He then said, “OK BUT I DON’T THINK IT WILL! I MIGHT WANT AN ‘EVEN BETTER NIGHT’ BEFORE I GO TO A PLACE I’M NOT GONNA SAY THE NAME OF!? DO YOU BELIEVE IN FATE?! xJx”.

I told him I wasn’t sure about fate but that I was sure he might not be the only one who might want an ‘even better night’ before he goes to Canada! I am getting to the stage now where I might want to take things further with him. It’s only really the fear of the possible consequences that’s stopping me.

This morning he texted me and told me that he’d asked if I believed in fate cos he thinks we were meant to be together. He could be right!

It was back to college today unfortunately! Gethin was announcing very loudly to people that he’s got to wash his brother’s sheets cos of them being covered in stains! He’d narrowed it down to me and Jake somehow but I denied all knowledge of the stains and even lied to Sarah that nothing had happened. I suppose I just don’t want people to make a fuss/take the piss/think I’m showing off or anything. Some people just don’t get that I’d rather keep stuff to myself.

Sarah eventually found out that on Friday night, Gethin had discovered the stains and apparently he and Jake had been laughing and joking about how they got there but then, as soon as Gethin suggested it could have been me and Jake, Jake went bright red and said it had nowt to do with me. When I acted all innocent on the subject today, Gethin drew his own conclusions that Jake had been entertaining himself so I got annoyed with Gethin for interfering and warned Jake about what Gethin thought. Jake started worrying, saying that he’d never even consider doing that in someone else’s bed and that he’d never be able to show his face around college if Gethin told people his theory! He sent Gethin a message then to deny it and I had a go at Gethin so he said he was sorry. He should just leave it now.

I need to see Jake!! I don’t know how the hell I’m going to cope when we’re apart for longer! He kept saying he missed me in messages and stuff today.



All I seem to be able to think about is Jake! – 4th June 2000

Sunday 4th I’ve had a bit of a boring day really. Nothing’s happened of any interest really. I should’ve used the opportunity to get loads of revision done but I just couldn’t concentrate. All I seem to be able to think about is Jake!

I sent him a few messages and got a couple back that made me smile. One said, “HELLO!!! : ) I’VE JUST BEEN WATCHING THE MONACO GRAND PRIX! I’M GONNA TRY AND CRAM MY REVISION 2MORROW! I’M JUST GLAD I’VE GOT YOU AND I’M HAPPY! LOVE YOU LOADS TOO x”.

I then sent him one telling him I’d just got all wet and muddy while taking Rosie for a walk in the field and he said, “AAAHH NEVER MIND! I’M AT WORK! SOOO BORING! CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GONNA HAVE TO WAIT 2 WHOLE DAYS TO SEE YOU!! : ( IT’S SO UNFAIR!! LOVE YOU LOTS n LOTS!!! xJx”.

I’m going to have wait until Wednesday to see him cos he says he’s got to stay at home before then to do some last minute revision.


P.S. I’ve just found another nice message on my phone that Jake sent me last night. I’d been moaning about not seeing him until Wednesday and he put, “HOW ARE YOU GONNA MANAGE? WHAT ABOUT ME! I’VE GOT TO TRY AND REVISE! YOU’LL BE WITH YOUR FRIENDS! WANT TO SEE YOUR CUTE FACE WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO SNEEZE! : ) xJx”.


I’m left with 16p in the whole world!! – 1st-3rd June 2000

Thursday 1st Jake and I went round to Gethin’s again tonight. This time we were both totally sober and had to leave under orders from our parents at 1:00 am. There were quite a few people there but we still got the sofa and the whole living room at one point to ourselves.

Hayley was in a better mood and she actually left us alone too!

All we really did was kiss.

We left it as late as possible before we went home. He kept saying he wanted my face there all the time and that he wants a photo of me screwing up my nose (like I do when he touches it or when I’m going to sneeze) to take to Canada cos it’s “dead cute”!


Friday 2nd to Saturday 3rd P. [period] + first Dianette pill at 6:00 pm on Saturday.

That’s the worst night out I’ve had in ages!!

Tonight, the usual 5 of us, plus Georgia (so Hayley wouldn’t feel like “a gooseberry”) went out to The Dog again. It was quite good while we were there cos the bar staff are beginning to recognise us and one lady called Val kept persuading us to make all our drinks doubles!

I had quite a good chat with Jake again. He said he does want to go to Canada for the skiing but then doesn’t want to go cos he doesn’t want to leave me. He said there’s no way he’ll forget about me while he’s there cos there’s no way he’ll ever forget about me. He said again that he wants a photo of me screwing my nose up and smiling to take with him!

He’s going away round Europe on 2nd July but he says he will see me in Holland while I’m on the Swing Band trip cos he’s got to drop Charlie Wilson off with us on 21st July.

Due to Georgia not normally coming out with us, the lads received some odd looks off her when we started painting their nails! Okay, maybe it’s not normal but Gethin explained to her that it’s become routine now! Jake actually removed his while we were in there (I had some remover pads) because he didn’t like the colour! He always leaves the little finger nail on his left hand painted though as “a reminder”! He actually didn’t take much persuading to let me paint them this time cos he said he wanted us both to have the same colour on! Maybe I should worry!!

Gethin’s invented a new drink (which has probably been done before!) which he named a Starshooter. It involved whisky, Taboo and Coke, I think. Unfortunately, Jake drank a bit too much on an empty stomach so got very pissed, very quickly.

It was when we left The Dog that the night began to go downhill. We ended up waiting for a taxi for over half an hour before someone told us it’d been and gone so we then had to call another. Jake was lolling all over the place so it was clear that I wasn’t going to get very far with him. In fact, I didn’t get a proper kiss out of his all night cos as soon as we got back to Gethin’s, he collapsed out on a bed and fell asleep.

I went down to get some food and by the time I went back upstairs to see Jake, he was capable of speech and movement. That was the point where I got extremely pissed off cos I had about an hour before I’d have to go home and I realised there was no hope of me even snogging him. Plus, I probably won’t see him all week and this was the last chance of getting a bed or sofa to ourselves that we’ll get for a good while. I just felt like crying, basically because of the disappointment, but I managed to control myself.

That was until my dad rang my mobile and yelled at me for not being home and also cos Abby wasn’t in too (which was hardly my fault!). I’d told them I wouldn’t get back until about 2:00 am and it was only 1:45 am when he phoned. I just burst into tears! I couldn’t help it! Everything had just built up through the evening and that set me off.

Gethin and Sarah were being dead nice but Jake was still virtually unconscious upstairs. Well, he might as well have been anyway! I did go up and he’d sort of sobered up and kept asking for a hug. At first I went all stubborn cos he’d annoyed me but then, as usual, I gave in cos I can’t resist him!

I got a taxi home eventually which cost me £8! Now, I’m left with 16p in the whole world!!

I got a bollocking from Mum cos Abby still wasn’t in to take it out on so I just went to bed.

I remember something I overheard Gethin and Jake saying at Gethin’s. Jake had been whinging that he was going to fail his exam cos he can’t concentrate on revision cos of me and other stuff (I assumed he meant his mum) so Gethin asked him what was more important, me or exams. He said, “Tessa!” 🙂

I couldn’t sleep at home cos nextdoor switched an outdoor light on which shone in my window and made birds sing and then they put loud music on and then it got light anyway!

I sent Jake a message cos he’d asked me to. I asked him what he’d asked my Magic 8 Ball keyring cos it’d given him the answer “looks good” in The Dog but he wouldn’t tell me what he’d asked. He sent one back saying he’ll tell me if it ever comes true. I tried to send another but it wouldn’t let me so I gave up and sent it this morning.

I woke up to 3 missed calls from Jake so I asked why he rang, said it’d been a bad night and pleaded him to tell me what he’d asked the keyring! I got 2 messages back saying, “I THINK I RANG YOU WHILE I WAS WRITING YOUR MSG! GLAD YOU’RE OK!! I KNOW THAT WAS AWFUL! IT REALLY UPSET ME SEEING YOU CRY! : ( …” and then, “I ASKED IT IF WE WOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER + GET MARRIED!! : ) I KNOW I WRITE IT A LOT – BUT I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU!! SORRY I WASN’T MUCH USE LSAT NIGHT! XJx”.

I didn’t think lads cared about asking 8-Balls stuff like that! It’s so sweet! I took me a while to answer him so I got another message asking if he’d frightened me by saying that. I told him that of course he hadn’t! I also apologised for the possibility that my parents will make me come home earlier in future but he said, “DON’T BE SORRY! IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! WE’LL JUST HAVE TO LEAVE A BIT EARLIER FROM NOW ON! IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! LOTS OF HUGS n KISSES! : ) Jx”.

I took the first Dianette pill today (Saturday) for future reference.


I’ve just been moaning to Jake about my parents and he’s sent me a message saying, “ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN’T SAY OR DO SOMETHING TO THEM?? JUST IGNORE THEM – SOMEBODY LOVES YOU! xJx”. As usual, it’s the end of his message that’s the best part! He said he can’t send me anymore messages tonight until he’s finished work cos the landlord’s been shouting at him for sending too many!”



We bought knickers and went back to the balcony – 30th & 31st May 2000

Tuesday 30th to Wednesday 31st Jake, Gethin, Hayley, Sarah and I all went for a trip to the Trafford Centre on Tuesday. My mum gave us all a lift there because Jake’s car had been in the garage. That part I wasn’t particularly looking forward to cos I thought my mum’d say something to embarrass me in front of Jake! In actual fact, it wasn’t too bad! Everyone kept pretty quiet!

Gethin was the one who really led the shopping trip cos the rest of us have no money so we just followed him about. He wanted a sarong to wear as a joke on the next Swing Band trip but couldn’t find one so then he moved onto cowboy hats in Topshop. He kept putting them on me, Sarah and Hayley, and then when we’d gone out of the shop, he and Jake were sort of whispering behind us and eventually said they’d buy cowboy hats for me and Sarah.

We thought that was a great idea until we realised it was a bit odd. We eventually got it out of Jake that both of them had ‘a thing’ about cowboy hats on girls! He said it’s really the only thing they’ve got in common! I also found out later that Jake likes the whole cowgirl look. I assume he means with hat, boots and probably like the suede bra thing with a fringe that I tried on in Topshop before I realised what was going on! He didn’t see me in that though.

We next took a trip into Boots to get a photo done in the booth of all 5 of us. →


We didn’t want crappy little ones so we tortured ourselves by getting 5 separate big ones done so we could all have a decent sized one! It got very hot and sweaty in there and also very painful after a while!

Sarah and Hayley went off for a drink in Starbucks so I followed the lads. I kept losing Jake to any Quiksilver stuff! He’s so sad! He was looking at the most hideous shirt I’ve ever seen (bright orange with flowery things) and it was surrounded by perfectly nice shirts which he just ignored!

We eventually joined the others in Starbucks and sat on the table in the corner of the balcony. Hayley started to cry and said she wanted to go to New Look so, stupidly, I agreed to go with her. All I got was, “Oh, Andy, Andy, Andy!!” and “Why does he hate me?” you know, the usual stuff that I have to hear about 50 times a day!

We bought knickers and went back to the balcony. Then Sarah wanted to go to the same shop so I went again. She bought a cowboy hat and we went back to the lads. By then they’d overdosed on caffeine and Jake kept trying to make me wear the hat!

After that, we headed for the bus station. Hayley was whinging that she was a gooseberry again and that she’s on her own in the group cos there’s me and Jake, Gethin and Sarah, and Floyd and Cat (sort of!). Jake said something like, “I’ll have you!” He was joking (I think!) but it annoyed me cos it gave Hayley a smug smile.

I got pissed off on the way back too cos when we were waiting for a bus, Gethin sat between me and Jake, and then on the bus Hayley sat next to me.

We went back to the bus station near Jake’s so he could pick up his car and take us all back to Hayley’s village. I didn’t realise that it’d involve having to go in his house but it did! He’s got a nice house and a nice bedroom which makes mine look like a right tip! He’s got a dead good new mobile now which was on his bed. His new number’s 07989 ******.

I also had a look at his skis when he was taking them downstairs to show some woman who was talking to his dad. While he was gone, I noticed he had all my Valentine’s stuff that I gave to him and my postcard from skiing all on one shelf. He’s also got a toy bunny called Thumper in his bed (he tried to hide it!) and an old hedgehog puppet!

When we were downstairs in the kitchen, his dad came in to talk to us. He seems okay. Actually, he reminded me of Hugo a bit but I won’t be telling Jake that!

When Jake dropped me off at home so I could pick up my stuff for staying at Gethin’s, my dad came home and spoke to him briefly about his Beetle. That wasn’t too embarrassing either!

We had a good night at Gethin’s, except for Hayley who was constantly miserable and ended up in a mood with me cos I shouted at her to stop being so pathetic! She didn’t like to hear that!! I also had a good long chat with Lizzie cos she’s upset about Sarah and Hayley being bitchy towards her. I told her they’re totally out of order (which they are) and to at least try and ignore them cos she’s got plenty of other friends.

I was on the sofa with Jake for a long time and he kept trying to make me wear the hat again! He said he doesn’t know why he likes them! It was really nice just sitting there with him for that long. He’s recently taken to sucking my fingers if they go anywhere near his mouth (dunno why!) and I discovered that he likes having the back of his neck stroked.

Hayley’s departing words to me were, “It’s so nice to know who your friends are!” so I told her to fuck off and enjoyed the rest of the night! A good part of it was taken up with everyone slagging off Hayley which made me feel a bit less guilty when I realised I’m not the only one who really can’t stand her at the moment!

Eventually, Jake and I ended up lying on Gethin’s brother’s bed where we’d been told we could sleep. We were mostly just snogging but then…

[Really sorry everyone but I censored this bit before I went to uni for fear of my mum finding and reading my diaries whilst I was away. I’d done it on previous entries but can normally read through the black marker if I hold it up to the light. Unfortunately I did too good a job of crossing this bit out. I’ll try and read it in the daylight over the weekend but, to give you the gist for now, we both got up to number 3 of the Snogging Code if I remember rightly.]


… barbeque ribs! I don’t think he saw anything!

We ate them all and cleaned up afterwards and then got back to kissing. I didn’t think anything else was going to happen with us cos he was making no attempt to try anything so I did! This time, I think stuff went over Gethin’s bro’s bed but then I wasn’t sure what stains were there already! The rest of the night passed leaving me wanting to crunch ice cubes and peel labels off bottles!

We both got a bit of sleep and then just lay there cuddling for hours in the morning. I really do love him.