I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it – 27th to 30th September 2000

Wednesday 27th Kickboxing was good tonight! I spent all day dreading it and then our instructor was in a really cheerful mood for some reason. 🙂

Bye!

Thursday 28th I saw Jake briefly after college but I couldn’t enjoy myself cos I was worrying about working tonight cos I had so much college work. It didn’t matter in the end though cos Mum rang in sick for me! 🙂

Bye!

Friday 29th – Saturday 30th Our trip to Derby finally came around and I turned out to be a bit disappointing for most of us in the end.

It took us ages to get there cos Jake decided to take the scenic route which made Cat and I a bit travel sick. When we finally reached Derby, we drove round in circles, completely lost for 40 minutes, trying to find the Travel Inn but we got there (eventually!) after many arguments over which direction to go in and how many times we’d passed Carpet World!

The rooms at the Travel Inn were quite nice. Jake and I shared one (with a double bed) and Cat and Sarah had the other.

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The whole point of the trip was so Sarah could see Maz so she was really chuffed when he came to meet us at the Travel Inn. We decided to go to McDonald’s and then go out to a club called Zanzibar (which Jake and Cat didn’t really like the sound of!) but whoever ordered the taxi only got one big enough for 4 people so we just let Sarah and Maz go and Jake drove us to McDonald’s. We ended up getting lost again but eventually found one on a road to Nottingham!

After we’d eaten, we decided against going to Zanzibar so planned to go back and drink at the Inn. Then, Maz and Sarah turned up and locked themselves in Sarah and Cat’s room so Cat got left with me and Jake when she really wanted to go to bed. She felt like a right gooseberry (even though Jake and I weren’t doing anything at all) cos she was stuck with 2 couples. It wouldn’t have been a problem if Emma hadn’t have dropped out on Thursday.

After about an hour, the 3 of us were having a good laugh over a girly magazine but we decided it was a bit out of order that Cat couldn’t go to bed or get her stuff cos of Sarah, who could’ve gone back to Maz’s flat instead.

So, rather than bang on the door to let Cat in, I rang Sarah’s mobile. She didn’t answer for ages but then picked it up and yelled, “What?!!” at me so I politely asked her how long she would be and she said she didn’t know and switched her phone off. I then went and banged on the door and told her that her mum had turned up and was waiting in reception.

After a few minutes, she began to believe me and answered the door in a towel. She was a bit pissed off to find I’d lied but when I explained about Cat and how it wasn’t exactly fair, she said bye to Maz and he went.

Once he’d gone, she started apologising and stuff so we forgave her. She then told us she’d had sex with Maz which was why she couldn’t stop smiling! We then felt a bit guilty for interrupting!

Finally, Jake and I were left alone so we got into our pyjamas and got in bed. We just cuddled up for ages and then started kissing. That led to him sort of half lying on top of me. After a few minutes, he said, “Do you want to do this? Yeh?” I realised he was referring to us doing what Sarah and Maz had just done cos I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it.

I’d half been expecting him to try something cos of some of the messages we’ve been exchanging recently. Up until then I had wanted to but in the back on my mind planned to stop things if I changed my mind.

The fact that he asked me filled me with panic cos I had to give him an answer and, once I’d given him an answer, it would have been harder to let him know if I’d changed my mind. So, I just didn’t say anything and carried on kissing him. He then said, “Do you want to?” and I paused for a while and then found myself sort of shrugging but shaking my head at the same time. He then said, “No? You don’t have to, you know” in a really understanding way so I assumed he was alright with that.

I must have dozed off at one point cos when I woke up, Jake was lying on the sofa bed. I asked him why he’d moved and he told me that he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake me up. I told him that I’d woken up a bit so he came back to bed but was being dead quiet and kept sighing.

I asked him if he was okay and I muttered something about the night being a bit of a waste of time (cos by that time I was regretting refusing cos I couldn’t see us getting another chance to be alone all night) and he asked me what was wrong and why I wouldn’t do it and if it was him that was the problem. I said it wasn’t him at all and that I really didn’t know why.

We slept for a bit but, before my alarm clock went off at 8:00am, 3 happened and after that he seemed to cheer up a bit and kept telling me he loves me and stuff! 🙂

The journey back home went pretty quickly, although Cat had to ring The Green Dragon cos she was going to be late and they told her they needed her in today cos they’d “already been let down by Tessa this morning”. Ooh, I hate them!! (My mum phoned to tell them I was still ill today!)

I went back to Jake’s for a while but we both fell asleep on the sofa.

When I got back to my house and he‘d gone home, I texted him apologising for last night cos I felt really guilty in the end. He replied saying, “DIDN’T THINK I’D GET A MSG THAT QUICK! ONE THING THAT I DON’T WANT IS PRESSURE ON EITHER OF US! YEH I WANT US TO TAKE IT FURTHER BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO RUIN WHAT WE’VE ALREADY GOT! I WAS SO NERVOUS ANYWAY! THOUGHT MAKING A TRIP TO BOOTS WAS BAD ENOUGH! I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY IN ANY WAY! J x”.

I was so glad to hear he was nervous! But the fact he had to go through the trauma of going into Boots made me feel even more guilty! At least I know he was prepared anyway cos I had been wondering whether he’d come equipt!

I sent him a reply telling him that part of the reason I said no was cos in the back of my mind I thought he might think I just did it cos Sarah had with Maz (that was part of it really). I also asked if he was feeling pressured by anything and he said, “AAH! I DIDN’T THINK THAT AT ALL! I DON’T FEEL PRESSURISED BUT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH ALREADY… SO DON’T WORRY! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him I wasn’t worrying, I was just more annoyed with myself and he said, “I’M SORRY – I MEANT DON’T FEEL AWFUL! YEH IT WAS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY BUT AS YOU SAID – IT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT! THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP US GOING ON ANOTHER OPEN DAY OR FIND A LOCAL TRAVEL INN! PLEEAASE DON’T FEEL AWFUL! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I told him I didn’t really want to plan it (cos then I really would feel forced to do it) and asked if he was annoyed with me at all. He said, “THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU! I’M NOT GONNA BE ANNOYED WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T WANT TO! YOU SAID IN A MESSAGE THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO B4! IF YOU STILL WEREN’T SURE THEN I WOULDN’T BE PLEASED! I DON’T WANT TO PLAN IT EITHER – THERE’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND YOU MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT! x”.

I asked him why he wouldn’t be pleased and pointed out that I didn’t really have a reason for saying no last night and he replied, “I DON’T MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT READY – I CAN ACCEPT THAT! I MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT SURE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH ME! YOU HAD A REASON LAST NIGHT – I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SARAH AND MAZ! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID! : ) I’LL BE HONEST AND SAY I WAS EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESPONSE BUT WHEN YOU’RE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT IT’S DIFFERENT… ISN’T IT? xJx”.

I then said something about him possibly getting sick of me but he said, “HAH – HINDSIGHT’S A GREAT THING! I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF YOU! WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER – YOU’RE SO GOOD FOR ME! I WOULDN’T REALLY HAVE WANTED TO DO IT BEFORE EITHER SO I HAVEN’T REALLY BEEN PATIENT! I LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I can’t remember what was said after that but later, Jake said, “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! NOT BECAUSE WE ARE 2 YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A FRI DOWN A DARK LANE! : ) xJx”.

Ooh, I hate it when people call it “making love” or whatever! It makes me cringe cos I associate it with sleazy, American, perfect looking people! I don’t know why! [I can confirm that, 18 years later, it still made me thoroughly cringe and make vomit-y noises as I typed that.]

Bye!

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