I’m really going to have to psyche myself up – 25th & 26th September 1999

Saturday 25th I went to LA Bowl this evening with Freda, Bridget, Karen, Zoe and Lizzie. Hayley didn’t come, apparently because of me again. Pathetic! Well, she’s going to the Italian next Friday with Freda and Sarah for a meal. She’ll probably invite everyone else except me now. Either that or the next week she’ll organise something else which she’ll get everyone else to go to.

It was quite good tonight. Zoe went with some lad and there were plenty of other fit ones about. Freda was pretending to be a lesbian and fancy me because there were 2 in a lane near us. She also gave us all stupid names on the bowling screen.

Karen was just Kazza.
Bridget was BJ Girl because she gave Arnie Conway a blow job at one of Freda’s parties.
Lizzie was Oscar because she’s going out with Oscar.
Zoe was Flirt because that’s what she’s always doing.
Freda was FF (her initials).
I was Miss Brownlee – she got that from Aled’s surname.

Freda got her photos back from her party today. There’s an awful one of me, half blinking with my mouth open and one of me and Aled holding hands, talking. She’s threatening to scan them and stick them up around school. I bet Hayley’ll persuade her into actually doing it. I really hope she doesn’t.


I can’t find the photo in question but this is another delightful one of me, Bacardi Breezer in hand, from another of Freda’s 1999 parties.


P.S. Lizzie has chosen me over Freda to go to Alex Ferguson’s testimonial. Brilliant!

Sunday 26th I’m worried about going to school now. I know I’m probably being pathetic because they’re only photos but I’m worried about how people might react. Also, if Freda decided to go ahead and stick copies all over school, it won’t just be my mates that see them. I know the best thing to do would be to just laugh it off but I really don’t like being the centre of attention like that. I hate being embarrassed.

That lad Zoe snogged last night phoned her today. He’s called Jav and lives near an Asda somewhere. He wanted to meet up with her again and he might meet us if we go to town next Saturday like we’ve been planning. I hope he’s got some nice mates!

I’ve got a bloody Swing Band concert at the Parr Hall on Friday. Lizzie and I were going to arrange to go somewhere again but I forgot that I can’t. I’m worried now that Hayley’ll take advantage and get in there with Lizzie and people too. I think she’s already getting Freda on her side.

I’ve not got to show her that I’m bothered but it’s so hard. I just want to give the twisted little cow a good kicking! She’s bound to try and get at me with those photos too. I’m really going to have to psyche myself up into staying totally calm before I get to school tomorrow. I’m really not sure I can manage it but that’s not the way I need to be thinking right now.


Twisted cow – 21st September 1999

Tuesday 21st I think I’ll start by giving the latest update on Hayley’s bitchiness. In my free period today, Rani marches up to me and asks what I’ve been saying about her. I ask what she means and she told me that Hayley told her that I’d told Hayley that I didn’t want Rani to come to the cinema last weekend but she just invited herself.

I mean, I denied it to Rani, of course, because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so instead I just cut chunks out and said I’d just been talking to Bella about who was going and she had been unaware that Rani was coming so I said I told Bella that Rani had invited herself but that I didn’t mind.

The fact that Hayley sunk so low as to stir things up with that situation annoyed me but the fact she told Rani she wasn’t wanted on Saturday night was totally thoughtless. I can’t believe she didn’t consider how much she could’ve hurt Rani’s feelings just to try and gain someone on her side and try and get at me at the same time.

After that little episode was over, Emma made matters worse but trying to help get back at Hayley. I appreciate the fact she’s sticking with me on this one but what she did wasn’t the wisest of methods of getting to Hayley. It worked but I think I’ll stick to my tactics of ignoring the situation and acting as normal as possible.

Anyway, at break, Emma dragged me over and sat me down on a table and said, “Come one, let’s go and talk to Ferny just to show Hayley!” So we did and started asking about what’d happened to some of his mates but I left the talking to Emma in the end and I spoke to Maeve instead because I knew Hayley was watching and that for me, even though short term it made me feel better, in the long run it might do more harm than good.

As soon as I went near Hayley she said loudly, “Oh look, here comes the jealous one.” At the time I thought she’d just got her words mixed up and she meant I was trying to make her jealous but in my free period I found out what she meant. I was sat talking to Freda and she started off by saying Hayley’d probably kill her if she caught her talking to me because she had a go at her for it last time apparently.

Other than finding out that Hayley was trying to stop Freda talking to me as well as Rani, I was told by Freda that Hayley has now decided I’m jealous of her because she’s been talking to Ferny. Bollocks! Twisted cow’s trying to cover up I reckon because I reckon it’s more likely to be the other way round because of Aled. I’m not sure but it’s probably contributing to all this crap she’s coming out with.

At one point I was having problems controlling my fists around Hayley as she sat there shooting dirty looks so instead I asked her what the fuck was wrong with her. The charming answer I received was, “You should fucking know by now or you’re a stupid fucking bitch.” I told her to simply “chill” because I knew she wanted an answer which she could react to so I didn’t give her enough of one. It worked.

I have to admit that a couple of times throughout the day I was extremely close to tears but I managed to hold them back because I didn’t know what consequences it could’ve resulted in because of the way people could’ve reacted. I could’ve got loads of sympathy and Hayley a hard time but, on the other hand, people may have thought I was putting it on and that would probably have been Hayley’s little comment. I didn’t want to risk it.

I’ve decided that Hayley’s caused more trouble over the last few years for me than it’s worth and I’ve also decided that I don’t particularly want her as a friend anymore although I don’t want her slagging me off to people either. What I’ve decided too is that if she ever attempts to start speaking to me again I’m going to attempt to lose her as a best mate and hope that she just ends up being someone who I can just talk to if there’s nobody better around. My little plan is unlikely to go that way though.

Other things today have been Bella and Bridget deciding Aled fancies me. They said it’s obvious. I’m not so sure. I did influence him into apologising to Cat (after he upset her by repeatedly calling her a man) by telling him it was snidey, though.

Hayley yelled at Aled too about something and generally being a “fucking bastard” as she put it but he commented on her having a squeaky voice. I tried to absorb my laughter in my coat (I don’t think she noticed!) and she stormed off.

Trotter was in a drugs awareness play for assembly. I’ve decided I do actually like him quite a lot despite what Abby says. Nobody knows who he is out of my year though!


P.S. Twisted cow Hayley gave me a picture frame with a photo of me and her in it for my birthday. It’s been say on my desk for ages so to try and relieve some of the pissed offness, I took the photo out. I think I’ll replace it with one of some people in Wick coz I know how sick she is (or jealous of!) hearing about Duncan etc!

I really miss having Emma as a friend – 28th March 1999

Sunday 28th I don’t particularly like myself for thinking this and I wish I didn’t coz she’s been a bitch to me but I really miss having Emma as a friend. I think it’s just compared to Hayley but, looking back, she was so much more fun. She wasn’t scared of going out of her village like Hayley is and she let me speak without interrupting when summit I’d just said reminded her or summit she wanted to tell me, and she wouldn’t start yelling at me or sulking if I said something she disagreed with. Instead, she’d let me have my say and then tell me what she thought without putting me down.

I miss the really long phone calls we had when we’d analyse people’s behaviour instead of the 5 minute ones I have with Hayley because she’s worried how expensive the phone bill’s getting. It’s so unfair that she just doesn’t seem to want to know me out of school anymore.

Maybe I’m being unfair on Hayley too in the way that I let everything she does irritate me. She’s too cautious about everything and too touchy. I feel like I really have to choose my words carefully when I’m talking to her for fear of causing an unnecessary argument.

Sometimes when I’m bored at the weekend, I just feel like jumping on a bus into Warrington or somewhere. I used to do that with Emma. We’d just meet up and go but with Hayley she just wouldn’t do it coz she’d worry about stupid little things like the bus being late, someone she didn’t like getting on the same bus or running out of money. I s’pose she can’t help it but it’s borderline pathetic.

The other thing about Hayley is that every time I mention Emma she goes all touchy. It’s hard not to though and, really, why should I avoid it? I’ve been mates with Emma for years and I still am sort of so most of the things I’ve done have involved her so when I’m talking about stuff I’ve done in the past, she gets mentioned. Hayley just doesn’t seem to understand that I was pretty much best mates with Emma and that I can’t just act as if she never existed.

I think the truth is that Hayley feels threatened by Emma and thinks that I would just leave her out if I was good friends with Emma again. I can’t see that happening. Hayley’s always been a bit jealous of her, I think because of me. I don’t mean to sound big-headed but they were always arguing and I got stuck in the middle.


She called me two-faced – 18th & 19th March 1999

Thursday 18th I’m far from pleased with Hayley right now. She called me two-faced twice today. Once was at break when I asked her whose photos she’d got. She shouted, “I showed you about 4 times in French yesterday but you were too busy being two-faced talking to Emma.” Yes, I was talking to Emma but no, I wasn’t being two-faced.

She’s bloody paranoid! Just because I wasn’t giving her my full, undivided attention, she decided to call me that. She has no right to say that. I can’t believe she seriously thinks I’d be like that, especially after all this recent business.

Then again after school, Emma was trying to tell me summit about Freddie Bevan and I was talking to her and not Hayley. As soon as Emma’d gone it was, “There you go again, being two-faced.” She then started accusing me of ignoring her in English. Well, every time I turned round, she was playing hangman with Cat Elliot and I did speak to her as well.

I tell you, I’m not putting up with this. If she can’t take the fact that I’m still speaking to Emma then that’s her problem. Maybe Emma doesn’t deserve forgiveness but it’d only make my life more difficult too. It’s not worth it. Hayley’s one of my best mates and if she’s that insecure that she thinks I’d piss off with that lot again and dump her for no reason then she really needs to sort herself out.

It’s not fair on me either. I don’t want to sound selfish and I hope I’m not being but it’s true. She makes me miserable. Every time I’m feeling optimistic, I can rely on Hayley to bring me back down to her depressed, bitter, stressed-out level. I dunno how much longer I can cope with her. I really want to tell somebody this but I can’t risk her finding out. She’s usually okay and I get on well with her but every so often she gets like this and I dunno what to do about it.


Friday 19th Hayley’s speaking to me again and I decided just to let her too. She was being all stubborn and quiet in the morning so I had another go at her about over-reacting. She was fine again though after she got a photo off Ferny. She’d been asking people to get one for her so Emma did. It’s quite a nice one of him actually but I’ve already got a few photos of him, although I wouldn’t mind an extra one. Hayley doesn’t know I still like him. I don’t as much as I used to but I still do a bit.

Ewan’s actually going out with Holly Lowe according to Hayley. She said she’d overhead it twice. I’m bothered but not as much as I thought I would be. Never mind, I’m gonna have to get used to the idea I think.

I went to the cinema too this evening with Hayley. We went to see ‘Shakespeare in Love’. Hayley wasn’t all that keen on seeing it but she came out saying it was better than she expected. I wanted to see it coz I’d seen it advertised and I like that sort of film. I thought it was really good. I was a nice film, not too depressing either. I really liked it.

[Via Wikipedia]

Afterwards, we were hanging about waiting for my mum to pick us up and these two 13 or 14 year old lads called us over. We ignored them. We saw them again as we were leaving and they were saying bye to us and asking if we had boyfriends. This means that everyone’ll get pissed off with Hayley now on Monday (including me) coz she’ll go on and on and on about it for weeks.


I also had a Carlsberg and a Hooch – 27th February 1999

Saturday 27th I’d have written last night but I got in from Freda’s sleepover (which I didn’t sleepover at) a bit late.

Yesterday, Freda told me that she’d heard the bitchy lot all say that if they kept quiet about the Steps concert, no-one would get suspicious. Too late people! She also asked Georgia Dean when it was and Georgia asked Lena if it was the 13th and Lena nudged Georgia and told Freda it’d been cancelled. Yeah right!

Freda also brought some photos of us all in yesterday and there was one with me, Emma, Olivia and Georgia on it. She said that Lena covered me up and said, “Now it’s a better photo.” Little bitch, as my mum put it!

My mum also keeps saying how disappointed she is in Emma and how she shouldn’t be going along with it all and how this situation shows up the weak ones of the lot of ‘em.

Anyway, I went to Freda’s last night until about 11:00pm. Hayley and I left early coz we didn’t want to be asleep all weekend coz she’s got to work and I’ve got coursework to do. There was Karen Brent, Sarah Llewellyn, Rani S, Lucy Jacobs, Cat Elliot and Freda (of course) there too.

Karen (surprisingly) supplied a loads of booze including a bottle of Bacardi which was pretty much empty by the time I had to leave, thanks to me. I drank it with coke and I also had a Carlsberg and a Hooch. [What a combo.] I seem to be okay this morning though coz I just went really giggly and not totally out of it.

[I think that might’ve been my first proper drinking experience. Not sure what happened to ‘I don’t like what alcohol does to peopleetc. I knew I’d caved eventually…]


No doubt they’ve all had a big get-together – 21st February 1999

Sunday 21st I had another one of those dreams last night that disappointed me when I woke up and realised it wasn’t real. This time I had lots of friends again and Ferny told me he fancied me. I was also in college and not in high school anymore. Nothing else really happened coz I woke up but for a few minutes when I was still half asleep I was looking forward to going to school so I could talk to Ferny. But I woke up properly and found out that it had actually only been a dream.

It’s not fair. Why does my mind keep making me dream things which are so realistic but untrue? That’s what’s so disappointing, I can remember them like they have actually happened and they are things which I would quite like to be true but they’re not. That’s twice in a row now.

I’ve got to be back at school tomorrow. I don’t want to go. Before Xmas I used to actually quite look forward to going to school coz I could see my friends and stuff but now, well, I’m just dreading it. No doubt they’ve all had a big get-together without me or Hayley and Emma will have probably been out every night with Davis, Ed, Ewan etc. and we’ll get to hear about it all. I’m sure they’ll make sure of that.

I don’t seem to ever have had much luck with friends. I must have a big fault in my personality or summit coz every time something like this has happened, I can never think of anything obvious that I’ve done.

Megan Quinn – I was best mates with Megan from nursery school up until about 3rd year of juniors. Then we sort of drifted apart. In the last year of primary school we had to choose 2 other people who we’d go in a form with at high school. There were quite a few of us in my group of friends but I was the one who got left on my own so I ended up getting stuck with Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent.

Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent – That was fine up until about half way through Year 7 when those two suddenly turned on me and bullied me for about 2 years. Lindsey was the obvious leader coz Karen was usually okay on her own but Lindsey wasn’t.

[Lindsey (left) and Karen’s (right) cowbaggery prompted me to draw this delightful picture of them.]

Leona Wright – While that was going on with Lindsey and Karen, I got to be best mates with Leona until she went off with another group of girls and left me with Cat Elliot, Lizzie Bond etc.

It was all fine up until after Xmas. I was best mates with Emma, I had 2 friendship groups after we’d been skiing and I was also mates with lads. But then for some big unknown reason all this happened. I’m going completely left out, my so-called best mate dumped me for them and I have no social life.

What I don’t understand is what the hell I’m meant to have done to deserve this. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s bound to get better but there’s no way of knowing. It could get worse. I just hope it bloody doesn’t.

The annoying thing is that during that time between skiing and Xmas, I just didn’t realise how good I had it.


Why can’t they just grow up? – 10th & 11th February 1999

Wednesday 10th We had the Year 11 photo done this morning. I think most people I know or want to remember where on it.

We also think that, later on in the year, they do ones with groups of friends or summit and Hayley said she heard Lindsey Bullman say, “Well, Hayley’s not being on it and Tessa’s definitely not.” Bitch! It’s so bloody annoying! I won’t go into that again or I’ll be writing for ages.

Nutter was stood grinning at me when I came out of Maths and, as usual, I pretended I hadn’t seen him but then Lizzie said, “Look Tess, it’s Paul” so that was embarrassing. Although, I forgot that when I got outside coz I walked past Ewan and he smiled at me for no reason. Daft I know! Nutter was also asking Hayley if he should send me a Valentine’s card. She told him not to coz I’d get embarrassed or summit.

That’s another thing that’s bothering me about not being particularly good friends with Emma anymore – the fact that she’s getting more friendly with people like Ewan. I’m worried she’ll say summit horrible about me to him. There’s so much that could go wrong with this situation.


Thursday 11th Rachael’s still dragging Freda into her pathetic little thing against me and Hayley. She apparently marched up to Freda at lunch and asked her if I’d been getting her to spy on them. Why can’t they just grow up?

Freda pushed me into Ewan at last break. It was so embarrassing. We’d just smiled at each other and Freda shoved me. I just managed to gain my balance before I fell into him. I daren’t look back as he was walking off. It’s a good job I didn’t actually touch him, I dunno what I’d have said!

As for the friendship photos, they’re actually coming up pretty soon. All the bitchy lot keep saying (loudly) things like, “So Rachael, have you got all seven names down?” If Hayley and I had been included, there’d be 9, you see.

Freda and Cat Elliot etc. asked if Hayley and I wanted to go on their photo so we are doing. So’s Emma actually but only coz that makes up the full group. At least they think about everyone and don’t leave people out unlike some people I can think of. […and that’s why I’m still friends with most of that lovely lot.]