Dogs and spandex and cheese-eating elephants – 22nd July 2000

Sunday 22nd As soon as I went down for breakfast this morning, Mr P started saying stuff to his brother about me really deliberately loudly, like, “Ooh, watch out! Tessa is here!” Tosser! I was still incredibly angry with him after his comments last night so I had to go up to my room cos I didn’t want him to see me get upset again.

We had loads of time before setting off for the concert so that have me time to calm down and shoot a few evil glances in the direction of the most annoying teachers!

The concert was in a place called Bad Bertrich and it was way too hot. We were allowed to wear shorts instead of black trousers with our yellow t-shirts to keep us a bit cooler. It didn’t really help that much though cos we weren’t under any cover at all. We could feel ourselves cooking and our instruments melting as we played!

This evening, they took us on the coach to some town so we could eat pizza and drink in a variety of bars instead of just the one at the hostel. I hung round with Cat, Lizzie, Isaac and Denny. To start with, we went for a pizza and Denny nearly burned the place down by sticking a napkin in the candle flame then trying to blow it out but instead blew it onto Isaac’s lap! We managed to extinguish the flame before too much damage was caused!

After the pizza we let the drinking commence and had many interesting conversations with additions from Denny about dogs and spandex and cheese-eating elephants. Hmmm. We were all pissed but it was a nice, happy, giggly, singing sort of pissed.

Due to the alcohol, 3 songs have emerged which will forever remind us of this holiday. These are:

Help! I’m A Fish by the Little Trees

The theme tune from Maid Marian And Her Merry Men off CBBC

I Wanna Fuck A Dog In The Ass by Blink 182

When we got back to the hostel, we made use of the bar there. I had much fun sat on the table next to the teachers, drinking wine and composing and singing our own lyrics to the tune of the Maid Marian song. The song was written with Mr P in mind, by the way. Not that he got to hear it cos every time I began to sing, Cat and Gethin clapped their hands over my mouth. There’s also various other crap written on the bag, all of which makes no sense to me now but perhaps did at the time!

I’ll rewrite the song in here. It goes:
(*I’ll include the variations)

Why don’t you stick your head
Up Mr P-R’s/your brother’s arse
Why don’t you just admit
That you are really shit
*Why don’t you fuck your mum
With children’s bubble gum
Ohh music man
Ohh music man

*Why don’t you feed your mum
With lots of Pedigree Chum… etc.

Just to explain, the part about children’s bubble gum came about because of this:

When it had the gum in it, it looked a bit like a packet with a condom in it and in the song we were suggesting that MR P would have to use children’s size protection due to the small size of his penis. Get it?! Ok, I know it’s all a bit sick but we were pissed.

Also, on the back of the bag is Denny’s insult of the holiday. It goes you dodgy, dirty, fat, German, ming, mama, cheesy, dog fucker.

Anyway, later on this evening, Cat and Lizzie fell out for some reason. People also found it amusing when Lizzie was leaning on Daniel and he said, “I’m not a fucking pillow, you know!” So, because Lizzie and Cat were upset, Mrs P-Y and Miss M came to our room to see if they were ok but ended up talking to me about Mr P and Mr P-R. They were being really nice about it (must have been the alcohol!) and were saying how the men were out of line and that if it was any consolation, they’d been mean to Miss M too. That did make me feel a bit better actually!


Rumours of a threesome – 21st July 2000

Saturday 21st 

Ok, I will now continue with writing down what’s happening on this Germany trip I’m on with Swing Band. Unfortunately, not all of today was quite as good as it could’ve been.

This morning we went to Trier to do a concert in the town. It was another very nice place but the concert wasn’t quite as good as the one we did at Enkirch yesterday.

People weren’t sat down so we were just playing as people walked by. I also forgot to put my black shoes on so I got called a “dozy bugger” by Mr P for wearing my trainers instead. I was in a rush!

At lunchtime we had our most nutritious meal yet….. a Big Mac Meal at McDonald’s! I kept the thing lining my tray as a memory of my most needed McDonald’s meal ever!

We had a quick look round the shops and I saw 2 Scottie dogs, like our dog Mollie, walking round too.

This afternoon we went to the Wild & Erlebnispark in Daun to do summer tobogganing down this metal run thing.

I quite enjoyed it but I realised how dangerous it could be when I heard how many people had fallen off it. Emma was one of them and she flew off and knocked some teeth out on a concrete step. The rest of her was ok but she had to go to a dentist who glued them in place temporarily. It’s a bit of a mess but she can get it sorted properly at home.

We could do what we wanted the evening back at the hostel in Traben-Trarbach so most of us chose the bar option. Most people ended up getting a bit pissed but the teachers were worse than anyone else which isn’t a good idea on a school trip really, I don’t think!

Lizzie and I were kept busy by Daniel’s t-shirt which had velcro and lots of letters so we were arranging them into various different phrases. However, Lizzie and Daniel ended up snogging on Cat’s bed while I was there so rumours of a threesome soon started. We went along with them cos we thought it was funny until Mrs P-Y chucked Daniel out of our room.

Cat then came up to the room and found Daniel’s trainers under her bed so she yelled at Lizzie and locked herself in the bathroom. I was desperate for the loo so I decided to use the ones downstairs but when I opened the door, I was greeted by four teachers. I explained that I was just going to the toilet and I’d be back in a minute but Mrs P-Y and Mr P-R yelled at me to get back in my room.

Mr P-R then muttered something snidey and when I asked him what he said, he just yelled again so I yelled back, “Fine! Piss off then!!” That’s probably not the most sensible thing I’ve ever done but he’s a knob and I really can’t stand him cos he’s just so full of himself.

After 5 minutes, I was on the verge of wetting myself as Cat was still in the bathroom. I decided I was going to go to the loos downstairs whether the teachers liked it or not. They told me to get back in my room and as I glared at Mr P-R, he said in a really stupid way, “Don’t even look at me!” so I told him to piss off again. I marched past Mr P and his brother and into the toilets.

On my way back to my room, Mr P said, “What’s the matter, Tess?”. I told him there was nothing wrong and he said I should apologise to Mr P-R. I flatly refused and Mr P, totally out of the blue, started saying how my boyfriend came on the trip last year and they didn’t get one word of thanks and things like that. Yes they did! Fuckers!!

That totally upset me so I went back to my room and told the others. They all think it’s totally out of order as well. I am sooooo annoyed with those bloody teachers now!


Making kissing noises and telling me to come to bed – 20th July 2000

Friday 20th I was much less tired today which was good cos I didn’t really want to fall asleep in the swimming pool!

Swimming ticket with a picture of the castle on the back:

The pool we went to was okay but after 30 mins or so, I got a bit bored cos there weren’t many slides and the jacuzzi was full of teachers. The wave machine was the best bit, except when I got stuck in the deep end in the middle when it first came on. That was a bit scary!

Afterwards, we all went to the centre of Cochem to meet up with the people who went to visit the castle. There were a few stalls and I bought Jake’s presents there. I got him a yellow toy Beetle and a toy campervan to add to his collection on his windowsill.

This afternoon, after eating a very unfilling lunch of leftover chewy bread and cheese from breakfast, we all went wine tasting at Weingut Schlagkamp (what a name!). Wine label:

This old German guy gave us a tour of his wine cellars and told us about growing grapes and talked us into buying his wine after we tasted it. It was nice so Abby and I bought Mum a bottle. This is the list of the wines we could’ve tasted:

We went back to the hostel for another inedible tea and then got changed into our Swing Band stuff and went to do our first concert of the holiday at Enkirch. It was definitely the best concert we’ve done yet. It was some sort of wine festival and they had a wine queen and princess (or something!) giving speeches. Daniel Downes managed to put pegs on the back of their skirts while they were talking which we all found quite amusing. We always have pegs with us in case we have to play outdoors, to stop the music sheets blowing away.

The concert was so good because the sound was brilliant, we had quite a big audience who gradually got pissed and started dancing, and we were all allowed as much free wine/beer as we wanted from the bar!

I got the giggles reeeally badly half way through because there was an old woman taking photos and she came right up close to me and I couldn’t keep a straight face. Denny, Lizzie and Gethin were laughing too which didn’t help and then Denny imitated her with my camera.

Mr P spotted me and also started laughing and had to explain to the rest of the band what was up with me!

I phoned Jake when I got back to the hostel. He was meant to be doing a pub crawl but then they got to Warburton Bridge, some lads pulled up in a car. Jake and the others legged it but Ali Kershaw got a bit battered so they all went back to his house to speak to the police. He’s okay apparently. Connor went and picked them all up.

While I was on the phone, Mr P came over and started making kissing noises and telling me to come to bed down the phone cos he knew it was Jake. Luckily, I don’t think Jake heard. Not that he wouldn’t have known it was Mr P.

Okay, I think I’m going to have to start a new diary…… See you there!


[I found our Germany trip leaflet in the back of the diary…]

A minging old jelly baby – 19th July 2000

Thursday 19th We spent most of today travelling before getting lost in Traben-Trarbach (the town in Germany where we’re staying) and eventually finding the youth hostel. The town’s really pretty but unfortunately the hostel’s extremely manky!

We had an unidentifiable meal as soon as we arrived and quite a few people made the mistake of putting yoghurt over their meal, thinking it was sauce!

There’s another school staying here who are leaving tomorrow and there are also some people who seem to have learning disabilities. They wander round so I don’t know who they’re with. One of them stands in the entrance and looks like he’s playing castanets.

We didn’t do much this evening. We got our rooms sorted out and unpacked a bit, got told all the hostel rules by Jessica our trip rep, and went to explore the bar and drink much of its contents!

[In the hostel bar with Gethin, Isaac, Denny & Lizzie]

The rules are that we’re not allowed food or drink in our rooms, we have to be in the hostel and quiet by 11pm, and we aren’t allowed to drink alcohol unless it’s from the bar there.

I’m sharing a room with Maeve, Lizzie and Cat. That was what I expected so it’s quite good. Some people have to share a bathroom between 8 of them so I’m glad I’m not in that room.

I’m very tired cos I got no sleep on the coach. However, I don’t really want to sleep in my bed for fear of finding nasty stuff in it. Maeve found make-up (still in its packets) in her bed and Lizzie found a minging old jelly baby. Yuck!


A long and boring journey – 16th & 18th July 2000

Monday 16th I went straight in to see Jake this morning and stayed in his bed for ages and did stuff until I realised my driving instructor was about to turn up. I managed to get ready in time and had quite a good lesson. I did 2 really good bay parks. I saw Jake again later and we just watched TV.


Wednesday 18th I saw Jake all day today and packed for leaving for the Swing Band trip to Germany tonight. I got a bit upset which was basically because I was reminded of his bloody Canada trip but also because we were talking and I realised that he’s involved with me but I’m not really involved with him. He knows all my friends and gets on with my family but the same can’t be said for me and his family and friends.

I said goodbye to Jake and went to school to meet the coach. Sarah, Andy and Floyd all came to wave us off which was nice. I ended up sat with Denny on the coach but I didn’t mind that. We set off on a long and boring journey eventually, after arranging to get another minibus for the instruments cos Club Europe fucked up for the 3rd year running and didn’t get us the trailer we needed or a coach with a tow bar. Duh!


An iron mark on the carpet and scally lads outside – 10th July 2000

Monday 10th This morning seemed to last for ages because the coach to take us Swing Band lot to London didn’t come until lunch so we had to do lessons. Hayley was still being a moody cow so I felt a bit sorry for Sarah when I had to leave her!

Keira Osborne, Emma Thornley, Christa East, Cat Elliot and I all claimed the back seat of the coach and had loads of room because we were by the emergency exit. The journey was really boring but I kept getting texts from Jake which helped ease the boredom every so often. Jake told me that he’s going to Florence tomorrow and should be in Prague on Friday. Then I did a quiz in someone’s Cosmopolitan magazine on my perfect holiday destination. Mine came out at Prague! How weird is that?!!

Cat sent Jake a quick message too saying she wished she was travelling around Europe and in his reply he told her that he’d happily swap with her cos he misses me! How sweet! 🙂

I sent him a message myself again later and told him not to chase any foreign girls or anything (I was only kidding) and he said, “HUH CHEEK – YOU KNOW I WOULDN’T EVER THINK ABOUT DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT! : ( I’VE TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT I’M SENTIMENTAL! WE SHOULD BE IN THE SAME HOSTEL WE STAYED IN AT RADSTADT WITH SCHOOL.”

When we reached London, the coach driver took us all through the centre which was absolute torture for me cos there were so many signs with the word ‘Canada’ on them! We then took a wrong turning past Canada Water Station so I was reminded again of the fact Jake’s going off to be a ski instructor for 3 months! Then we went past Starbucks where we both go! 😦



When we arrived at Rotherhithe Youth Hostel we were all given our room keys. I was sharing with the people I’d been sat with on the coach plus Maeve Ackerley. The room was 219 and wasn’t too bad at all. We had an iron mark on the carpet and scally lads outside the window but the beds were cool! There were 2 sets of 3 and they were sort of all piled up. I got the top bunk on mine!

Millennium Dome '00 Tess

The cool beds and our cool Swing Band attire.

We didn’t do much all evening. We were either in our rooms or at the bar. Henry Rockwell fancies Maeve quite a lot so he was in our room most of the time too!

I had some last night messages from Jake on the subject of Canada. He said he’d love me to go and see him while he’s there and I said I wish I could but I can’t really see it happening. Then he said, “I REALLY WANT YOU TO COME BUT IT’S A LONG TIME TIL I GO! IF THERE’S ANY WAY YOU COULD COME IN FEB HALF TERM THEN I’M TAKING YOU! YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO STAY IN MY ROOM ALL OF THE TIME… JUST SOME OF IT!”

That would be so good cos I can’t possibly last 3 months without him and not go mad or something but it’d be expensive and I’ve got college and stuff. I suppose we’ll have to see.


We had a bit of a pine cone war – 29th June 2000

Thursday 29th It was the last day of the field trip today and it wasn’t too bad either cos it wasn’t as hot cos we were in amongst the trees. We had a bit of a pine cone war and we managed to get photographic evidence of Mrs C following dogs! I took Jake back a stick and a smaller pine cone today cos I couldn’t find anything else!

He was there when we got back to college cos he had an exam this morning and then had to see Mr H about his year’s leaving do cos he’s organising it even though he’ll be on his cruise when it happens. He told me that Mr H had said something about me being sensible and intelligent or something!

We sat in the common room, kissing, cuddling and whining for a while until he had to go and pick his brother up to take him to the Year 11 prom.

I’ve had quite a few message from him tonight. I told him that I don’t care what we end up doing tomorrow night as long as I get to see him. He said, “YEH YOU’RE RIGHT! I’M GONNA ENJOY MYSELF – I WANT TO LEAVE YOU AS HAPPY AS POSSIBLE! NOT GOING STRAIGHT HOME – ONE OF THE DARK LANES MIGHT HAVE TO BE USED! LOVE xJx”.

That message sort of pleased me really but then I remembered that we wouldn’t be able to do much cos I’m on my period (I have been constantly but lightly since I started taking that Dianette) which is a bit disappointing really.

I then said that I thought he was against dark lanes but said I won’t stay over at Sarah’s anyway (she’s asked if I want to). He said, “OK – AS LONG AS YOU DON’T STAY AT HERS! SHE’D ONLY HAVE TO PRISE US APART! I’M GOING TO SEE YOU ON SATURDAY AREN’T I?? LOVE YOU WAY TOO MUCH – CAN’T BE HEALTHY! OHHHH : ( xJx”.

I then said that I knew he doesn’t really want to do anything down dark lanes and his response was, “NOT REALLY – BUT ONLY COS I’M SCARED OF THE DARK! : ) NO I’’D WANT TO STAY WITH YOU ALL NIGHT (EVEN MORE THAN NORMALLY)! WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER! Xxx”.



I gave him his pine cone – 28th June 2000

Wednesday 28th I brought Jake a shell back from the Biology trip on Monday (like I brought him a pine cone today!) and I’ve just had a message from him saying that he fell asleep holding the shell I gave him last night!

The trip today was worse! We were quadratting in amongst these thistles and stuff and it was really humid. I saw lots of leeches and a newt though! Rachael Hollins and I did most of the work for our group cos Hayley and Sarah seem to be scared of everything!

Mrs C was running halfway across the beach and stuff on Monday just to have a look at dogs but she didn’t do it as much today! Even Mr S was taking the piss!

I saw Jake at college when I got back. We stayed for ages and I gave him his pine cone and he told me how much he’s going to miss me and stuff! Then I noticed that the gates at the end of the drive had been locked and so the Beetle was locked in! We then had to go and find the caretaker to open it but he wasn’t very impressed and told Jake he should park it in the main car park instead!

Kickboxing grading was tonight and it was quite difficult. It was too hot and I was already knackered but I passed! I’m an orange belt now!


I’m the best mate a lad could have!  – 26th June 2000

Monday 26th We had the first day of the Biology field trip today on the Ainsdale sand dunes. It was quite good cos all we had to do was quadratting and stuff but I’ve come home very sunburnt!

Ainsdale - star wars

I’ve been told that there’s no school on Friday cos of Warrington Walking Day (I’ve never known what that is!) so I told Jake and he asked me to go to Alton Towers with him and loads of his mates. I don’t really know if I want to cos I felt like a right loner at Alex’s party and I don’t want it to be like that again. Although he’s going away on Sunday and I want to see as much of him as possible.

When I got back, Jake texted me to see if I wanted a lift home but my mum had just arrived. I also asked if he’d had a message from Gethin cos I had, saying that I’m the best mate a lad could have! Jake said, “DAMN… NEARLY! YEH JUST GOT ONE OFF GETH – SAID HE’LL RING ME LATER?? DON’T KNOW WHAT ABOUT! URRRGH… LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH! : ) xxxJxxx”.

I only wanted to write that one down cos of the last bit! I don’t think it was meant to sound disgusted, I think it was more of a frustrated thing!


All our questionnaires have the boxes ‘male’ and ‘aged 17-25’ ticked! – 21st-23rd October 1999

Thursday 21st We went to Cwm Idwal. This was not a good day. It was freezing, raining and a 3 mile trek.

Aled was dead sweet a couple of times. Once was when he and Adrian Ford were helping people cross this waterfall (some of the other girls were saying so too as I walked past them at one point) and another time I was pretty much on my own because I’d gone ahead of Sarah and Zoe, and Lucy and Dougie were still a bit ahead but Aled stopped and asked if I was alright and then walked with me for a while.


[Aled being dead sweet and helping Sarah at Cwm Idwal.]

In the evening, Aled followed us into the pool room and then into a TV room we’d found. We were sat on our own for a few minutes when Sarah went to get her mobile, Zoe was on the phone and Lucy went to get a Pot Noodle, and he asked me why I was in a mood the other day. I didn’t know what he meant because as far as I could remember I hadn’t been. He said that on the coach the other day he said, “Hi Tess” and I’d ignored him. I told him I didn’t remember and I probably just hadn’t heard him.

Sarah bunked down on my floor again that night and admitted that she fancied Aled as well as Big Paul. I wasn’t pleased because I like him myself so I tried to convince her she had the best chance with Big Paul.

For hours I had a piece of grit stuck under my eyelid. It blew in on the walk and it scratched my eye every time I blinked. I was so relieved when I eventually got it out by pulling my eyelid down and rubbing it.

Aled was going on about going to town one evening. He was making out like it was sad if you’d never been. He also started talking about how older women were better. I hope he’s only talking about snogging. I pretended I wasn’t listening at that point.

Friday 22nd Came home and stopped off in Chester on the way to hand out questionnaires. Zoe, Kala L and I found fit lads and gave some to them so all our questionnaires have the boxes ‘male’ and ‘aged 17-25’ ticked! There were two particularly nice biker lads in McDonald’s who filled one in. I can’t remember where they were from.

Aled was knackered all day because he’d been sat up until 4:00am chatting to some girl. He called me over at breakfast to tell me Adrian had snogged some ‘fat bird’ and then added what he’d been doing on the end. I hope they really were only chatting.

We said bye to Gemma, Paula etc. before getting on the coach. On the way back, Aled managed to convince me to go to his gathering instead of bowling with Lizzie and ‘Mr Blobby’ (Brett).

Zoe and I went into town in the evening to find all the hang outs in town like Edison’s, Chuchills and McCauley’s for future reference. We didn’t go in because we had no time before the bus but we know where everyone is now though.

Robert Osborne was on the bus on the way there so we spoke to him. He’s gorgeous now! He’s gone to Priestley College and says he’s enjoying it. He said their Geography fieldtrip is to Kenya. How unfair is that?

He was telling us about how he’d been seeing that Tara girl (who’s new at college with us) for a couple of days but then she got back with her ex. He said she’s a bitch but that Diana Booth girl’s cool.

Zoe was telling me that Jav knows Jonesy somehow. That school was from Kirkby but he’s sure it’s the same lad. Could be handy!

Saturday 23rd Right, I’m back onto today [I’d written up the school trip when I got home. I daren’t take my diary away with me for fear of someone finding and reading it.]

All last night I was trying to arrange going to Aled’s with people and now Sarah, Lizzie and Karen Brent are coming. Lizzie’s doing bowling with Brett another night now so she’s picking Karen and I up at around 7:30pm. Then Lizzie and I are meeting Sarah outside Kwik Save at 9:30pm so we can show her dad where Aled lives.

Aled phoned me this afternoon to give me directions to 54 Drover Close where he lives and to tell me to bring some alcohol. I’ll take my Bacardi. When I told him I was coming he said, “Aah, yeah, nice one!” and sounded really pleased. That’s a good sign, isn’t it?

I want something to happen between Aled and me but I don’t want to do that to Sarah. I’ll have to see how it goes. I’ll fill you in tomorrow probably.


[‘Tomorrow’ just made me cringe horribly.]