I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it – 27th to 30th September 2000

Wednesday 27th Kickboxing was good tonight! I spent all day dreading it and then our instructor was in a really cheerful mood for some reason. 🙂

Bye!

Thursday 28th I saw Jake briefly after college but I couldn’t enjoy myself cos I was worrying about working tonight cos I had so much college work. It didn’t matter in the end though cos Mum rang in sick for me! 🙂

Bye!

Friday 29th – Saturday 30th Our trip to Derby finally came around and I turned out to be a bit disappointing for most of us in the end.

It took us ages to get there cos Jake decided to take the scenic route which made Cat and I a bit travel sick. When we finally reached Derby, we drove round in circles, completely lost for 40 minutes, trying to find the Travel Inn but we got there (eventually!) after many arguments over which direction to go in and how many times we’d passed Carpet World!

The rooms at the Travel Inn were quite nice. Jake and I shared one (with a double bed) and Cat and Sarah had the other.

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The whole point of the trip was so Sarah could see Maz so she was really chuffed when he came to meet us at the Travel Inn. We decided to go to McDonald’s and then go out to a club called Zanzibar (which Jake and Cat didn’t really like the sound of!) but whoever ordered the taxi only got one big enough for 4 people so we just let Sarah and Maz go and Jake drove us to McDonald’s. We ended up getting lost again but eventually found one on a road to Nottingham!

After we’d eaten, we decided against going to Zanzibar so planned to go back and drink at the Inn. Then, Maz and Sarah turned up and locked themselves in Sarah and Cat’s room so Cat got left with me and Jake when she really wanted to go to bed. She felt like a right gooseberry (even though Jake and I weren’t doing anything at all) cos she was stuck with 2 couples. It wouldn’t have been a problem if Emma hadn’t have dropped out on Thursday.

After about an hour, the 3 of us were having a good laugh over a girly magazine but we decided it was a bit out of order that Cat couldn’t go to bed or get her stuff cos of Sarah, who could’ve gone back to Maz’s flat instead.

So, rather than bang on the door to let Cat in, I rang Sarah’s mobile. She didn’t answer for ages but then picked it up and yelled, “What?!!” at me so I politely asked her how long she would be and she said she didn’t know and switched her phone off. I then went and banged on the door and told her that her mum had turned up and was waiting in reception.

After a few minutes, she began to believe me and answered the door in a towel. She was a bit pissed off to find I’d lied but when I explained about Cat and how it wasn’t exactly fair, she said bye to Maz and he went.

Once he’d gone, she started apologising and stuff so we forgave her. She then told us she’d had sex with Maz which was why she couldn’t stop smiling! We then felt a bit guilty for interrupting!

Finally, Jake and I were left alone so we got into our pyjamas and got in bed. We just cuddled up for ages and then started kissing. That led to him sort of half lying on top of me. After a few minutes, he said, “Do you want to do this? Yeh?” I realised he was referring to us doing what Sarah and Maz had just done cos I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it.

I’d half been expecting him to try something cos of some of the messages we’ve been exchanging recently. Up until then I had wanted to but in the back on my mind planned to stop things if I changed my mind.

The fact that he asked me filled me with panic cos I had to give him an answer and, once I’d given him an answer, it would have been harder to let him know if I’d changed my mind. So, I just didn’t say anything and carried on kissing him. He then said, “Do you want to?” and I paused for a while and then found myself sort of shrugging but shaking my head at the same time. He then said, “No? You don’t have to, you know” in a really understanding way so I assumed he was alright with that.

I must have dozed off at one point cos when I woke up, Jake was lying on the sofa bed. I asked him why he’d moved and he told me that he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake me up. I told him that I’d woken up a bit so he came back to bed but was being dead quiet and kept sighing.

I asked him if he was okay and I muttered something about the night being a bit of a waste of time (cos by that time I was regretting refusing cos I couldn’t see us getting another chance to be alone all night) and he asked me what was wrong and why I wouldn’t do it and if it was him that was the problem. I said it wasn’t him at all and that I really didn’t know why.

We slept for a bit but, before my alarm clock went off at 8:00am, 3 happened and after that he seemed to cheer up a bit and kept telling me he loves me and stuff! 🙂

The journey back home went pretty quickly, although Cat had to ring The Green Dragon cos she was going to be late and they told her they needed her in today cos they’d “already been let down by Tessa this morning”. Ooh, I hate them!! (My mum phoned to tell them I was still ill today!)

I went back to Jake’s for a while but we both fell asleep on the sofa.

When I got back to my house and he‘d gone home, I texted him apologising for last night cos I felt really guilty in the end. He replied saying, “DIDN’T THINK I’D GET A MSG THAT QUICK! ONE THING THAT I DON’T WANT IS PRESSURE ON EITHER OF US! YEH I WANT US TO TAKE IT FURTHER BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO RUIN WHAT WE’VE ALREADY GOT! I WAS SO NERVOUS ANYWAY! THOUGHT MAKING A TRIP TO BOOTS WAS BAD ENOUGH! I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY IN ANY WAY! J x”.

I was so glad to hear he was nervous! But the fact he had to go through the trauma of going into Boots made me feel even more guilty! At least I know he was prepared anyway cos I had been wondering whether he’d come equipt!

I sent him a reply telling him that part of the reason I said no was cos in the back of my mind I thought he might think I just did it cos Sarah had with Maz (that was part of it really). I also asked if he was feeling pressured by anything and he said, “AAH! I DIDN’T THINK THAT AT ALL! I DON’T FEEL PRESSURISED BUT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH ALREADY… SO DON’T WORRY! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him I wasn’t worrying, I was just more annoyed with myself and he said, “I’M SORRY – I MEANT DON’T FEEL AWFUL! YEH IT WAS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY BUT AS YOU SAID – IT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT! THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP US GOING ON ANOTHER OPEN DAY OR FIND A LOCAL TRAVEL INN! PLEEAASE DON’T FEEL AWFUL! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I told him I didn’t really want to plan it (cos then I really would feel forced to do it) and asked if he was annoyed with me at all. He said, “THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU! I’M NOT GONNA BE ANNOYED WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T WANT TO! YOU SAID IN A MESSAGE THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO B4! IF YOU STILL WEREN’T SURE THEN I WOULDN’T BE PLEASED! I DON’T WANT TO PLAN IT EITHER – THERE’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND YOU MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT! x”.

I asked him why he wouldn’t be pleased and pointed out that I didn’t really have a reason for saying no last night and he replied, “I DON’T MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT READY – I CAN ACCEPT THAT! I MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT SURE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH ME! YOU HAD A REASON LAST NIGHT – I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SARAH AND MAZ! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID! : ) I’LL BE HONEST AND SAY I WAS EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESPONSE BUT WHEN YOU’RE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT IT’S DIFFERENT… ISN’T IT? xJx”.

I then said something about him possibly getting sick of me but he said, “HAH – HINDSIGHT’S A GREAT THING! I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF YOU! WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER – YOU’RE SO GOOD FOR ME! I WOULDN’T REALLY HAVE WANTED TO DO IT BEFORE EITHER SO I HAVEN’T REALLY BEEN PATIENT! I LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I can’t remember what was said after that but later, Jake said, “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! NOT BECAUSE WE ARE 2 YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A FRI DOWN A DARK LANE! : ) xJx”.

Ooh, I hate it when people call it “making love” or whatever! It makes me cringe cos I associate it with sleazy, American, perfect looking people! I don’t know why! [I can confirm that, 18 years later, it still made me thoroughly cringe and make vomit-y noises as I typed that.]

Bye!

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HELP!!!!!!! – 26th September 2000

Tuesday 26th I can’t cope!! I’m getting so stressed about everything now! I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown! There are just so many things for me to worry about at the moment.

Firstly, there’s my Geography project which my teacher has decided he wants in 2 weeks. There’s no way I’m going to get it all finished for then. Now my Sports Studies teachers want us to start on our projects for them. This is on top of all the other homework I’m getting for all 3 subjects.

The other major thing is our UCAS application forms have got to be done before the October half term and I’m not even sure which courses I want to do or where I want to apply to. Plus I haven’t got a clue how to write my dreaded personal statement.

Linked with the whole uni thing is Jake. He got all depressed today cos he’s read some article in a uni magazine about some girl who had a boyfriend and ended up having to split up with him cos she was missing out on uni stuff. Also, he read some advice that said you’re better off splitting up before you go off to uni.

This made him worry that we aren’t going to last and now I’m going to feel awful if I don’t go to Huddersfield with him because of some messages he sent me.

He said, “NO!!! NEVER WANT TO SPLIT UP! THERE’S NO WAY THAT COULD MAKE THINGS BETTER! I JUST COULDN’T STAND TO WATCH US MOVE APART WITH US NOT SEEING MUCH OF EACH OTHER.”

And then he said, “IF YOU WENT TO HUDDERSFIELD I’D BE SOOO HAPPY! : ) AND I’D DEFINITELY GO! JUST DON’T WANT YOU TO CHOOSE THE WRONG COURSE BY GOING THERE! I COULD NEVER SPLIT UP WITH YOU! xJx”.

Then later, “YEH I AM GOING TO HUDDERSFIELD BUT IF YOU WENT SOMEWHERE ELSE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU AND I’D PROBABLY FAIL AND DROP OUT! I NEED YOU!!! xJx”.

I sarcastically replied saying something about “no pressure then” and he said, “I’M SORRY ABOUT THE PRESSURE! BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT SOOO MUCH IF YOU DID GO THERE! I WOULDN’T WORK IN ASDA IF I DROPPED OUT, ALTHOUGH IT’S BETTER THAN KWIK SAVE! : ) LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH! x”.

After that, I’m stressing even more cos I really want to get into Huddersfield now.

All that came out cos when I saw him today, he was hugging me loads more than usual so I asked him why and he told me about that article.

The other thing I’m bothered about is work. I still hate it! Every time I think about going, it fills me with dread! I’d quit but I associate that with people like Zoe and Roxy who are total drop-outs.

Then there’s kickboxing. I’ve got a grading next week and I’ve not been able to get there for the last 2 weeks. My instructor’s going to kill me!

HELP!!!!!!!

Bye!

It must have looked dodgy! – 16th to 18th September 2000

Saturday 16th I had the day off work today but I didn’t do much cos Jake was working. This evening I saw him though and we ended up back down the lane behind the school. We put the seats down all the way so we could lie on them and we just did what we normally do – nothing very interesting anymore. It was still quite good though cos at least we got to be alone.

Bye!

Sunday 17th I had to work today but Jake came to pick me up afterwards and we went to get a Chinese again. We went back down the lane… again to eat it and do other stuff too (of course!) but nothing much worth writing about.

It was a bit embarrassing at one point cos we’d been lying down in the car and Jake suddenly sat up and said, “There’s a man there!” I didn’t believe him so I looked but there was someone walking his dogs. Whoever it was avoided the car really obviously so it must have looked dodgy! Hope it wasn’t anyone we know!!

When I got in I texted Jake, whinging about having to come home and he texted me back saying, “IT’S JUST SOOO ANNOYING! AND WHAT’S EVEN MORE ANNOYING IS THAT WHEN WE GO TO UNI – WE’LL HAVE A BED AND WE COULD BE ALONE… BUT WE’LL PROBABLY BE HUNDREDS OF MILES APART. x”

I hope we aren’t!

Bye!

Monday 18th I didn’t see Jake today because he went to Alton Towers with some of his mates but I got some messages from him this evening. We got onto the dark lane subject and I asked if he didn’t like dark lanes cos he doesn’t want us to go any further in the back of a car (cos he did say that in a message a while ago).

He said, “I ONLY SAID THAT COS I WANT IT TO BE SPECIAL! NOT IN THE BACK OF A CAR! YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT! IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T WANT TO! I DO… A LOT!!! JUST WHEN WE MANAGE TO BE ALONE AND PREFERABLY IN A BED! I LOVE YOU TOO!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

Then later he said, “WELL IF IT DOESN’T HAPPEN SOON WE’LL JUST HAVE TO HAVE OUR OWN LITTLE PARTY… IN A HOTEL ROOM! OR WE COULD GO CAMPING! : ) LOVE YOU TOO!”

I didn’t know what to make of those messages. I don’t want him getting his hopes up that it’ll happen before he goes away. I do want to but it’s more the problem of when and where. I really can’t see us getting the chance and, even if we did, I’m not entirely convinced we’d take it.

Bye!

 

I’ve got to smile more or I’ll get sacked – 9th & 10th September 2000

Saturday 9th I saw Jake during the day today. He came round here and we stayed in my room for most of the time. The usual happened and it wasn’t a one way thing for once!

Had to go to work tonight but it wasn’t too bad cos it was really busy. Gemma told me that Jake’s very good looking! 🙂 I know!!

Gethin’s pissing me off! He told everyone that he thinks Jake’s gay and that he wears nail varnish. He also keeps telling me that Martin the manager told him to tell me that I’ve got to smile more or I’ll get sacked when the area manager comes in. He also asked Jake last night if the reason he hadn’t said much was because he was “under the thumb”! Bastard!

I reckon I’m gonna get sacked actually cos I told that Sandra woman I can’t work next Saturday (there’s a Huddersfield open day and I’ve been planning on going with Mum and Dad for ages cos they want to see the place) and she was really off with me. She definitely wasn’t pleased!

The thing is, I’ve only been there a couple of weeks and if I quit or get sacked now, I’ll feel like a right failure and I’ll be the only one of my mates without a job. I’m confused and can’t think straight though!

Bye!

Sunday 10th When I finished work today, Jake came to get me cos we planned to go and get a Chinese for our tea. He brought his brother and sister in the car with him and we ended up in a queue at the petrol station at The Dog roundabout for about 30 minutes cos of this whole petrol price thing. I think it was one of the few round here that had any left.

We eventually go to the Chinese, by which time Jake was getting really pissed off cos he thought Robbie and Clara were being embarrassing but I just found them funny. While we were eating, Clara started telling me about Jake making horrible coughing noises when he brushes his teeth and he got really, really pissed off, told me it’s cos he chokes on toothpaste and dragged me upstairs out of their way! We just kissed and stuff but that was about it. He seems to know what he’s doing a bit more now. Perhaps he’s been reading up on it!

Bye!

I’m beginning to think that boy’s blind! – 17th July 2000

Monday 17th I had a minor text argument with Jake last night! It started off when I mentioned that Abby had Connor round again yesterday evening and that it wasn’t fair, meaning that they’re always together and we haven’t seen each other for ages. To that, Jake said, “I KNOW THIS IS TORTURE BUT IT WILL BE SOOO NICE WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER AGAIN! YEH THEY DO SEEM TO SEE A LOT OF EACH OTHER – BUT SHE HAS FINISHED SCHOOL AND…” and then, “I WOULDN’T FEEL RIGHT SPENDING WHOLE DAYS N NIGHTS AT YOUR HOUSE – IT’S NOT REALLY FAIR! LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I agreed and said I’d much rather get of the house anyway and Jake then came out with, “WE ARE MUCH DIFFERENT TO YOUR SIS N CONNOR ANYWAY – FOR A START WE ARE MUCH QUIETER (WELL I AM ANYWAY) AND I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THEM OR COMPARED TO THEM!…” and then, “WE ARE WHO WE ARE AND I’M HAPPY ABOUT THAT – I LOVE YOU, NOT YOUR SIS! CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU EITHER! IT WILL BE SOOO GOOD AND WELL WORTH THE WAIT! REALLY LOVE YOU! x”.

That message was the one that began to annoy me cos some of the stuff he said was unprovoked so I asked why he’d said that about loving me and not my sis and I told him I hadn’t compared anyone! I also asked what brought it on and he said, “JUST THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT THEM! I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE HIM BEING THERE ALL THE TIME! MEANT THAT WE ARE WELL SUITED!! MAYBE THEY ARE TOO!??” LOVE xJx”.

That message irritated me further so I asked why he was so bothered. He said, “YOU’RE ALWAYS MOANING THAT HE’S ALWAYS AT YOUR HOUSE OR WITH YOUR SIS – IT DOESN’T MATTER! I JUST DON’T LIKE BEING COMPARED – NOT THAT I WAS! I LIKE TO BE…” and, “DIFFERENT THAT’S ALL! IF YOU UNDERSTOOD ME IT WOULD BE BORING WOULDN’T IT!?! I KNOW I COME OUT WITH FUNNY STUFF BUT I WOULDN’T BE ME IF I DIDN’T! : ) LOVE xJx”.

Those messages just made him sound full of himself! I began to get upset after that cos I hadn’t compared him to anyone so I didn’t really understand what I’d said to annoy him. Plus I was angry too and it was late so I was tired. I couldn’t leave it though cos I don’t like going to sleep with an argument going on so I sent him another telling him I didn’t even know what I’d said. He told me, “I CAN’T REMEMBER EITHER – JUST FORGET I SAID IT! : ) JUST YOU SOUND JEALOUS SOMETIMES COS THEY’RE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME AND WE’RE NOT! IN A WAY THAT MEANS WE…” and then, “HAVE A STRONGER RELATIONSHIP – IF WE CAN STILL LOVE EACH OTHER THIS MUCH EVEN WHEN WE’RE HUNDREDS OF MILES APART FOR SO LONG! REALLY HAPPY THAT’S ALL! : ) LOVE xJx”.

I told him that I’m not exactly happy right now and said that maybe I was a bit jealous, especially when Connor and Abby parade around in front of me. Jake said, “AAH! I’M SORRY! : ( YOU’LL BE HAPPY SOON – JUST WISH IT WAS SEPTEMBER – THEN I WOULDN’T BE GOING ANYWHERE! LOVE xJx”.

I felt like sending him another asking what made him think I’d be so happy! Instead I just left it and went to sleep cos I’d got the apology I wanted!

This morning I sent Jake a message when I found out that one of the teachers isn’t going to Valkenburg to tell him there might be a spare seat on the coach. He replied said, “OH GOOD! : ) (NOT THAT SHE’S IN HOSPITAL THOUGH!) I’M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID LAST NIGHT! I’M JUST VERY UPTIGHT AND CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU! LOTS OF LOVE xJx”.

I didn’t send one back all day, partly because I felt like worrying him for upsetting me but also cos I wanted to see if he’d send me a message without me sending one first.

Finally, at 3:54, he said, “HI! ARE YOU UPSET WITH ME? : ( WE’VE JUST ARRIVED IN RADSTADT! HAVING A DRINK AT THE SONNEGG BAR! ARE YOU ALRIGHT? SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT – I HAVEN’T STOPPED…” and then, “THINKING ABOUT YOU ALL DAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?? LOVE YOU! xxx JAKE xxx”.

After that, I was satisfied he was sorry so I replied. I told him he had upset me a bit but that I was okay now and told him we’ve got a new car (it’s a green Ford Mondeo). He said, “I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID WHAT I SAID AND I’M REALLY SORRY! WHAT CAR HAVE YOU GOT THEN? IT’S SOOO WEIRD BEING HERE – OHH THE MEMORIES! CAN’T STAY AT THE HOSTEL : ( LOVE xJx”.

I asked what it was that I said that annoyed him and he told me, “IT WAS WHEN YOU SAID THAT IT WASN’T FAIR THAT THEY SEE EACH OTHER SO MUCH! THOUGHT YOU WERE SAYING IT WAS MY FAULT! JUST PUT IT BEHIND US AND LOOK FORWARD TO…” and then, “NEXT WEEK! I WAS JUST HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY AND WAS IN A BAD MOOD, THAT’S ALL – WASN’T YOUR FAULT! : ) LOVE xJx”. I told him I never said it was his fault and then we just decided not to mention it again.

Jake phoned me tonight. He told me about Radstadt and where he’s going next and everything. I had nothing to tell him at all! I then mentioned me being ill and he started asking why I’d been on antibiotics for a long time before I didn’t want to tell him it was for my skin so I said something about a throat infection.

Then he said something about me being ill 3 times in 5 months or something. I think it annoyed me cos he keeps bringing it up and sounding as if he think I’m really weak and sickly or something. So, I started saying, “Haven’t you got to phone Gethin or something?” and he started groaning, saying he’d rather speak to me and stuff.

It wasn’t until I got off the phone that I started thinking. I think I kept getting annoyed with him more than I normally would cos, deep down, I’m blaming him for making me even more miserable by going away. The fact that I’ve had a really crap time since he went away and he’s having a good one adds to the jealousy factor and all. It shouldn’t be like that! I was happy before and I’m just not now. I’m so worried that it won’t go back to how it was again. I can’t even remember all that well what it was like to be with him. This cannot be good!

I’ve just sent Jake another message saying how I really do hope we get back to normal and being happy cos I’ve had a horrible few weeks. He said, “I REALLY MISS OUR FRIDAY NIGHTS TOGETHER! : ( WANT TO GET BACK TO NORMAL! IF MISS M’S NOT GOING THERE’S NO REASON WHY I CAN’T SEE YOU!? YOU SAID YOU’D HAVE TO BE V UNLUCKY!…” and then, “THIS WILL ALL BE OVER SOON! JUST WANNA GET BACK TO WALKING BACK FROM THE DOG ETC… MISS YOU, MISS THE CUDDLES, MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! I CAN’T IMAGINE…” and then, “BEING WITH OR LOVING ANYONE ELSE AS MUCH AS YOU! x”.

Okay, that’s all it took to cheer me up! I hope that was from him alone and he wasn’t surrounded by his mates giggling at him! It was very soppy but so what?! It was lovely to read and I need to read something like that!

Just as I thought that was the last of the messages, I got another 2 saying, “YOU’RE MY PROPER FIRST GIRLFRIEND AND THE FIRST PERSON I’VE EVER LOVED! WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER! YOU’RE A SPECIAL PERSON AND YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT TO ME!…” and then, “I HAVEN’T GOT MUCH ELSE TO LIVE FOR! JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER! CAN’T EXPRESS THAT ENOUGH! YOU KNOW THAT DON’T YOU?! YOU’RE THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE! xJx”.

I sent one back reassuring him that I feel the same and he said, “YEH I THINK I KNOW HOW MUCH I MEAN TO YOU – BUT ONLY YOU CAN KNOW THAT! CAN’T PUT HOW I FEEL INTO WORDS EITHER! YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME – YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE YOU x”. [I suspect he’d had a few bevvies that evening!]

Erm… no I’m not!! I’m beginning to think that boy’s blind! Maybe he’s forgotten what I look like or something!

Next I got, “YOU MAKE ME SOOO HAPPY TOO! DON’T EVER WANT TO FALL OUT WITH YOU! NEARLY JUST GOT LOCKED IN THE BAR SONNEGG CLUB – AND LEFT MY PHONE! : ( LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

That ended up being the last one, I think.

Bye!

I’m beginning to get jealous of him now!  – 2nd July 2000

Sunday 2nd July He’s gone! Jake’s out of the country! 😦

I got a text message from him at 6:04 am saying, “HELLO! I’M AT THE AIRPORT NOW! THIS IS THE LAST MSG I SEND THAT I KNOW YOU WILL GET IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF MINS! SPEAK TO YOU SOON! LOVE YOU!!! xxx JAKE xxx”.

I cried quite a bit when I went to bed last night so I was okay when I got that this morning, although I’m still very sad about it. I’ll probably only start really missing him on Friday nights and when he’s not around in college.

I spoke to Hayley and Gethin earlier. I know they’re only trying to help and prove that they’re good mates but some of the stuff they come out with really bugs me! It’s all, “you know we’re there for you” and “if you ever want to talk, you know where I am” and more sickening stuff like that! It actually makes me not want to talk to them cos I’d probably end up smacking them one! Instead, I always find myself talking to Sarah more than anyone cos she doesn’t come out with crap like that.

Jake rang me this evening. He tried my mobile twice but I didn’t hear it so he phoned my house. He was at a youth hostel in Barcelona (which is hot and sunny apparently!) and he said it’s really nice there. He said that Charlie was sulking cos the others had moaned at him for making them trek round all day looking for the cheapest place to eat!

He kept groaning and saying it wasn’t fair cos we’re so far apart so I reminded him that he’s the one who went! He told me that it really hit him that he’s not going to see me for ages when he got off the plane.

Before he went, he said he loved me but I explained that I couldn’t say it back cos my mum was in the next room! It took us a few “byes” before we finally hung up!

I want him back here or, even better, to be with him on holiday! The next place they’re going is to Nice in France but they’re probably going to stay another night in Barcelona. I’m beginning to get jealous of him now!

He said he tried to send me a message but I haven’t got it yet. He said he’ll ring again within the next couple of days.

Bye!

P.S. All I can smell is Jake cos he sprayed so much stuff on my watch strap!

Stupid, soppy, American-high-school-style “group hug” – 30th June & 1st July 2000

Friday 30th to Saturday 1st Friday was really good in the end! I’ve been sort of dreading it all week cos it’s the last Friday I’ll have had with Jake for a few weeks. 🙂

During the day, Jake, Gethin and I went round to Sarah’s cos we had the day off cos of that Warrington Walking Day thing. We didn’t really do much then, as usual. We just sat about chatting and eating. Every so often, Jake or I would groan when we remembered we’re going to be split up for a while and he kept hugging me really hard or squeezing my hand really tightly.

We weren’t at Sarah’s all that long cos Jake had to go and have his hair cut so he dropped Gethin off at home so we could get our stuff to change into for the evening. It was then he told us that this’d be one of our last rides in the Beetle cos it was going to be restored and he was only going to be insured for the Polo. He won’t look right without that car! As Gethin said, it’ll make him too normal!

When we got back to Sarah’s we changed into our going out clothes and Sarah managed to persuade her mum to let the lads stay over so Jake didn’t have to drive on his last night out with us all. So, we ordered a taxi and headed for the Trafford Centre. We planned to try out all the bars there but we agreed that if we got IDed twice, we’d give up!

First we went to Tiggi’s. I was sure my mum’d said it was over 21s only but Sarah convinced us otherwise! It turned out I was right! Jake didn’t even bother trying to get served once he’d seen the sign! You see, he’d had his hair cut and it made him look even younger than usual!

Next we tried Manto’s. We didn’t really like it in there cos it was really boring looking so after the bloke told Jake we all needed ID, we didn’t even try to stay. Instead we went in Starbucks. It was the last time we’ll sit on our table on the balcony there with Jake for 3 or more weeks! While we were sat there, we all agreed to get a taxi to The Dog cos we wanted proper drinks and we know it’s nice and friendly in there!

When we arrived, that’s when we started to enjoy the night quite a bit more. Sarah and Gethin ended up snogging. My suspicions are that Gethin wouldn’t have done that had Lizzie not been going away for a few weeks to Cyprus! I won’t tell Sarah what I think this time though cos she won’t want to hear something like that!

The proper realisation that Jake and I were going to be split up set in properly while we were sat there hugging the hell out of each other! He came to the conclusion that it’s good that we’re going to miss each other so much cos it must mean we really love each other. I think he’s probably right. He also told me, “I love you sooooo much!” which was extremely nice to hear and especially cos it was accompanied by another big hug! I told him how much I’m going to miss him too which is a lot, believe me!

We decided to walk to the Chinese takeaway then cos Jake was hungry. We had to keep stopping and hugging and squeezing each other! I’d explained to him that it wasn’t so much the 3 weeks of being separated that bothered me (although it does a lot and I made sure he knows that) but the fact that it’s triggered off thoughts of how bad it’s going to be when he goes away for 3 months to Canada. This is awful now so what the hell’s it going to be like then?!

He told me that he was meeting the English people he’d be going with sometime soon I think and I must have groaned or something cos he told me that he’d be paranoid too if it was me going to Canada (I found out it’s Banff he’s going to) but he swore that nothing will happen with him and another girl cos it’s me he loves and he doesn’t want to wreck that and he couldn’t love anyone more than me anyway. He actually stopped me and was holding me by the shoulders and looking me straight in the eyes while he was saying it which made me feel like he was being dead serious! I suppose that’s good really!

We got our Chinese food and went and sat on the raised bit coming off the old railway station building by the bridge in my village to eat it. When we were done, Jake and I went and sat round the side on some steps leading up to the track. We just kissed but had to stop when the taxi came. Bad timing!

When we got back to Sarah’s, Gethin made us have a stupid, soppy, American-high-school -style “group hug” and then Jake and I had a quick kiss round the side of Sarah’s house before going in. Sarah made us go to bed so we wouldn’t wake her mum and dad up. Unfortunately, I was on the camp bed in Sarah’s room and Jake and Gethin were in the spare room. We just happened to meet on the landing at one point and had another quick kiss before going to bed.

Once I was all snuggled up in the sleeping bag I’d been given, I got a message on my phone. It was from Jake saying, “I LOVE YOU!!! : ) TONIGHT WAS GREAT! LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS! I’M GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH I’LL SEE YOU IN EVERYONE I MEET ALONG THE WAY…” and then, “I WON’T BE ABLE TO GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY MIND! LOVE YOU FOREVER!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him that I wished Gethin and I could swap beds and told him how much I love him etc. too and told him to stop saying nice things cos I’d only end up crying, and he said, “I WISH YOU COULD TOO! DON’T CRY – ALTHOUGH I’M REALLY TOUCHED – YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME! GLAD IT WASN’T A CRAP NIGHT – I’M GONNA REMEMBER IT FOREVER! LOVE YOU!!! xJx”.

This morning, I woke up to hear Gethin and Jake chatting away like a pair of girls! Sarah and I went in to see them first to see if they wanted anything to drink or whatever. Sarah’s mum went out to the gym so Jake ventured into Sarah’s room and sat on the camp bed with me. Sarah and Gethin went to do some ironing (or so they said!) so we were left alone. Neither of us wanted to let go of each other so there were more tight hugs and squeezing of hands.

He kept stamping his foot or hitting the pillow with his fist and saying it wasn’t fair. He told me that he never expected the Europe trip to actually happen and that it probably wouldn’t have done had Charlie Wilson not have been organising it! He said they were only going so they can say they’ve been.

Mid hug, he said, “Ohhh, baby!” which surprised me cos it’s a very un-Jake thing to say but I didn’t mind, it just made me smile! We were just sat there looking at each other and he sort of grinned and said he was going to end up crying! Then we kissed for a bit when we knew Gethin and Sarah were definitely downstairs and at one point he was lying on top of me and just looked at me, grinned and said, “You’re gorgeous!” That pleased me!

He then just came out with that he still can’t believe we’re actually going out! He’s not the only one who feels like that sometimes! We carried on kissing then someone knocked on the door and it turned out Sarah’s mum was back from the gym so we had to stop cos Sarah and Gethin came and sat in the room with us! All Jake said was, “I don’t believe this!” cos that’s pretty much what happened at Floyd’s that time!

Anyway, we had to go home eventually cos Jake got a message saying he had to go and get some timetables. Luckily I had one nail varnish remover pad in my bag so he could take off the lilac nail varnish I’d put on him in The Dog! He left the nails of his two little fingers as a “reminder” and said he’d still have it on next time I see him. We’ll see!

He also gave me the Pluto toy out of a McDonald’s Happy Meal that had been in his car cos he’ll have the Polo from now on!

This evening, Jake’s dad dropped him off at my house for about an hour and a half so we could say goodbye properly. He sprayed my watch strap with his Ted Baker stuff and I sprayed his with my Boots Poppy body spray cos that’s the smell of each other that they first had when we swapped had worn off. All I can smell is him now every time my watch goes near my nose!

All we did was sit on my bed and kiss and cuddle for one last time. We played the songs that remind us of each other which are Freaky Time by Point Break, Amazed by Lonestar, that If Only by Hanson which cheers us up and he said that Don’t Call Me Baby by Madison Avenue reminds him of me cos I play it a lot and it’s always on when he come to my house or I send him a message!

He kept telling me to stop looking at him like I was doing with my “big, brown eyes” cos it was making him not want to go. He told me that he likes me cos I’m so happy and smiley all the time! He might change his mind about that if he could see how miserable I am now he’s gone!

We’d been dreading his dad arriving to pick him up but eventually he did. Jake and I stood in the middle of my room and hugged and kissed quickly. He then held my head and told me he loves me and that I make him so happy and that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him! I nearly cried by just about managed to control myself!

I went downstairs with him to find my dad and his dad talking about a painting of the Albert Hall on our wall.

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[Still there.]

The last I saw of Jake was him walking out of my front door, waving and saying, “Bye!” in his bright orange Holland footy shirt, jeans and wide Pod shows with his hair all spiky. I’m not going to be able to forget that image of him!

Bye!

[Judging by the level of detail in the diary entry, I was pretty damn sure Jake would manage to die whilst on holiday and I was never, ever going to see him again.]