I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it – 27th to 30th September 2000

Wednesday 27th Kickboxing was good tonight! I spent all day dreading it and then our instructor was in a really cheerful mood for some reason. 🙂

Bye!

Thursday 28th I saw Jake briefly after college but I couldn’t enjoy myself cos I was worrying about working tonight cos I had so much college work. It didn’t matter in the end though cos Mum rang in sick for me! 🙂

Bye!

Friday 29th – Saturday 30th Our trip to Derby finally came around and I turned out to be a bit disappointing for most of us in the end.

It took us ages to get there cos Jake decided to take the scenic route which made Cat and I a bit travel sick. When we finally reached Derby, we drove round in circles, completely lost for 40 minutes, trying to find the Travel Inn but we got there (eventually!) after many arguments over which direction to go in and how many times we’d passed Carpet World!

The rooms at the Travel Inn were quite nice. Jake and I shared one (with a double bed) and Cat and Sarah had the other.

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The whole point of the trip was so Sarah could see Maz so she was really chuffed when he came to meet us at the Travel Inn. We decided to go to McDonald’s and then go out to a club called Zanzibar (which Jake and Cat didn’t really like the sound of!) but whoever ordered the taxi only got one big enough for 4 people so we just let Sarah and Maz go and Jake drove us to McDonald’s. We ended up getting lost again but eventually found one on a road to Nottingham!

After we’d eaten, we decided against going to Zanzibar so planned to go back and drink at the Inn. Then, Maz and Sarah turned up and locked themselves in Sarah and Cat’s room so Cat got left with me and Jake when she really wanted to go to bed. She felt like a right gooseberry (even though Jake and I weren’t doing anything at all) cos she was stuck with 2 couples. It wouldn’t have been a problem if Emma hadn’t have dropped out on Thursday.

After about an hour, the 3 of us were having a good laugh over a girly magazine but we decided it was a bit out of order that Cat couldn’t go to bed or get her stuff cos of Sarah, who could’ve gone back to Maz’s flat instead.

So, rather than bang on the door to let Cat in, I rang Sarah’s mobile. She didn’t answer for ages but then picked it up and yelled, “What?!!” at me so I politely asked her how long she would be and she said she didn’t know and switched her phone off. I then went and banged on the door and told her that her mum had turned up and was waiting in reception.

After a few minutes, she began to believe me and answered the door in a towel. She was a bit pissed off to find I’d lied but when I explained about Cat and how it wasn’t exactly fair, she said bye to Maz and he went.

Once he’d gone, she started apologising and stuff so we forgave her. She then told us she’d had sex with Maz which was why she couldn’t stop smiling! We then felt a bit guilty for interrupting!

Finally, Jake and I were left alone so we got into our pyjamas and got in bed. We just cuddled up for ages and then started kissing. That led to him sort of half lying on top of me. After a few minutes, he said, “Do you want to do this? Yeh?” I realised he was referring to us doing what Sarah and Maz had just done cos I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it.

I’d half been expecting him to try something cos of some of the messages we’ve been exchanging recently. Up until then I had wanted to but in the back on my mind planned to stop things if I changed my mind.

The fact that he asked me filled me with panic cos I had to give him an answer and, once I’d given him an answer, it would have been harder to let him know if I’d changed my mind. So, I just didn’t say anything and carried on kissing him. He then said, “Do you want to?” and I paused for a while and then found myself sort of shrugging but shaking my head at the same time. He then said, “No? You don’t have to, you know” in a really understanding way so I assumed he was alright with that.

I must have dozed off at one point cos when I woke up, Jake was lying on the sofa bed. I asked him why he’d moved and he told me that he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake me up. I told him that I’d woken up a bit so he came back to bed but was being dead quiet and kept sighing.

I asked him if he was okay and I muttered something about the night being a bit of a waste of time (cos by that time I was regretting refusing cos I couldn’t see us getting another chance to be alone all night) and he asked me what was wrong and why I wouldn’t do it and if it was him that was the problem. I said it wasn’t him at all and that I really didn’t know why.

We slept for a bit but, before my alarm clock went off at 8:00am, 3 happened and after that he seemed to cheer up a bit and kept telling me he loves me and stuff! 🙂

The journey back home went pretty quickly, although Cat had to ring The Green Dragon cos she was going to be late and they told her they needed her in today cos they’d “already been let down by Tessa this morning”. Ooh, I hate them!! (My mum phoned to tell them I was still ill today!)

I went back to Jake’s for a while but we both fell asleep on the sofa.

When I got back to my house and he‘d gone home, I texted him apologising for last night cos I felt really guilty in the end. He replied saying, “DIDN’T THINK I’D GET A MSG THAT QUICK! ONE THING THAT I DON’T WANT IS PRESSURE ON EITHER OF US! YEH I WANT US TO TAKE IT FURTHER BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO RUIN WHAT WE’VE ALREADY GOT! I WAS SO NERVOUS ANYWAY! THOUGHT MAKING A TRIP TO BOOTS WAS BAD ENOUGH! I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY IN ANY WAY! J x”.

I was so glad to hear he was nervous! But the fact he had to go through the trauma of going into Boots made me feel even more guilty! At least I know he was prepared anyway cos I had been wondering whether he’d come equipt!

I sent him a reply telling him that part of the reason I said no was cos in the back of my mind I thought he might think I just did it cos Sarah had with Maz (that was part of it really). I also asked if he was feeling pressured by anything and he said, “AAH! I DIDN’T THINK THAT AT ALL! I DON’T FEEL PRESSURISED BUT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH ALREADY… SO DON’T WORRY! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him I wasn’t worrying, I was just more annoyed with myself and he said, “I’M SORRY – I MEANT DON’T FEEL AWFUL! YEH IT WAS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY BUT AS YOU SAID – IT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT! THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP US GOING ON ANOTHER OPEN DAY OR FIND A LOCAL TRAVEL INN! PLEEAASE DON’T FEEL AWFUL! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I told him I didn’t really want to plan it (cos then I really would feel forced to do it) and asked if he was annoyed with me at all. He said, “THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU! I’M NOT GONNA BE ANNOYED WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T WANT TO! YOU SAID IN A MESSAGE THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO B4! IF YOU STILL WEREN’T SURE THEN I WOULDN’T BE PLEASED! I DON’T WANT TO PLAN IT EITHER – THERE’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND YOU MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT! x”.

I asked him why he wouldn’t be pleased and pointed out that I didn’t really have a reason for saying no last night and he replied, “I DON’T MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT READY – I CAN ACCEPT THAT! I MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT SURE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH ME! YOU HAD A REASON LAST NIGHT – I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SARAH AND MAZ! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID! : ) I’LL BE HONEST AND SAY I WAS EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESPONSE BUT WHEN YOU’RE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT IT’S DIFFERENT… ISN’T IT? xJx”.

I then said something about him possibly getting sick of me but he said, “HAH – HINDSIGHT’S A GREAT THING! I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF YOU! WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER – YOU’RE SO GOOD FOR ME! I WOULDN’T REALLY HAVE WANTED TO DO IT BEFORE EITHER SO I HAVEN’T REALLY BEEN PATIENT! I LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I can’t remember what was said after that but later, Jake said, “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! NOT BECAUSE WE ARE 2 YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A FRI DOWN A DARK LANE! : ) xJx”.

Ooh, I hate it when people call it “making love” or whatever! It makes me cringe cos I associate it with sleazy, American, perfect looking people! I don’t know why! [I can confirm that, 18 years later, it still made me thoroughly cringe and make vomit-y noises as I typed that.]

Bye!

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It reminded me a lot of something off a problem page! – 19th & 20th September 2000

Tuesday 19th I must have fallen asleep before Jake had finished sending me messages cos when I got up this morning, I had one saying, “I DON’T LIKE PLANNING THINGS BUT IF WE DO GET TO DECEMBER AND NO-ONE’S HAD A PARTY… WELL! : ) I DO WANT TO! COULD GO TO AN OPEN DAY… A LONG WAY AWAY AND STAY OVER! x”.

I replied telling him I couldn’t really see that happening and he said, “I KNOW! IT’S ALREADY GOING VERY QUICKLY! WISH WE WERE RICH THEN WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH A YOUTH HOSTEL! DON’T TELL ME I’VE BEEN TOO SLOW AGAIN! : ) LOVE YOU! x”.

I told him that he’d been too slow in asking me out after I found out how long he’d liked me which is what the last bit was about!

Later he said, “I SPOSE IT’S A VERY BIG STEP TO TAKE AND YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WANT TO! SOME PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST SEXUAL SO FOR US TO BE THIS CLOSE NOW JUST SHOWS HOW GOOD WE ARE TOGETHER AND HOW STRONG OUR RELATIONSHIP IS… DOESN’T IT? : ) LOVE YOU LOADS!!! xJx”.

That was a very nice message but it reminded me a lot of something off a problem page!

I saw Jake briefly today in my free lessons but then I saw him later cos he came round to my house. Nothing happened cos my family kept wandering about and we got worried about them coming in.

Bye!

Wednesday 20th I went to the Environmental Sciences talk thing at Huddersfield University today so Sarah, Hayley, Jake and I all went along. I really, really like it there! We went to the talk thing with this Robert Allen bloke and there was only one other lad there. It was more helpful than I thought it’d be though cos he told us what needs to go on our personal statements and stuff.

For the rest of the day, we just wandered round the uni and the town. Jake showed me which block he’s going to be in and then got stopped by some bloke asking for money and he gave him £2 cos he’s nice! He also saw a lad called Chris (I think) that used to be in his year at school.

Sarah and Hayley spent most of the day lad watching and when Hayley tried to involve me in it, Jake (quite rightly, I suppose) got ready to sulk!

On our way home, Jake dropped me off before Hayley so I was a bit annoyed cos I couldn’t even give him a hug while she was in the car cos she’d have made some comment. I sulked for a bit through text messages and then it came out that he’s worried about Hayley’s influence over me when he’s in Canada. He thinks I’ll be hanging round with her ex Andy and his mates again. I corrected him that, if I can help it, I won’t be!

Bye!

It must have looked dodgy! – 16th to 18th September 2000

Saturday 16th I had the day off work today but I didn’t do much cos Jake was working. This evening I saw him though and we ended up back down the lane behind the school. We put the seats down all the way so we could lie on them and we just did what we normally do – nothing very interesting anymore. It was still quite good though cos at least we got to be alone.

Bye!

Sunday 17th I had to work today but Jake came to pick me up afterwards and we went to get a Chinese again. We went back down the lane… again to eat it and do other stuff too (of course!) but nothing much worth writing about.

It was a bit embarrassing at one point cos we’d been lying down in the car and Jake suddenly sat up and said, “There’s a man there!” I didn’t believe him so I looked but there was someone walking his dogs. Whoever it was avoided the car really obviously so it must have looked dodgy! Hope it wasn’t anyone we know!!

When I got in I texted Jake, whinging about having to come home and he texted me back saying, “IT’S JUST SOOO ANNOYING! AND WHAT’S EVEN MORE ANNOYING IS THAT WHEN WE GO TO UNI – WE’LL HAVE A BED AND WE COULD BE ALONE… BUT WE’LL PROBABLY BE HUNDREDS OF MILES APART. x”

I hope we aren’t!

Bye!

Monday 18th I didn’t see Jake today because he went to Alton Towers with some of his mates but I got some messages from him this evening. We got onto the dark lane subject and I asked if he didn’t like dark lanes cos he doesn’t want us to go any further in the back of a car (cos he did say that in a message a while ago).

He said, “I ONLY SAID THAT COS I WANT IT TO BE SPECIAL! NOT IN THE BACK OF A CAR! YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT! IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T WANT TO! I DO… A LOT!!! JUST WHEN WE MANAGE TO BE ALONE AND PREFERABLY IN A BED! I LOVE YOU TOO!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

Then later he said, “WELL IF IT DOESN’T HAPPEN SOON WE’LL JUST HAVE TO HAVE OUR OWN LITTLE PARTY… IN A HOTEL ROOM! OR WE COULD GO CAMPING! : ) LOVE YOU TOO!”

I didn’t know what to make of those messages. I don’t want him getting his hopes up that it’ll happen before he goes away. I do want to but it’s more the problem of when and where. I really can’t see us getting the chance and, even if we did, I’m not entirely convinced we’d take it.

Bye!

 

Poor, working, tired or staying in to watch the last Big Brother – 15th September 2000

Friday 15th My Grandma S has come to stay at our house for a bit until the petrol shortage ends cos her house is quite far away and Mum wouldn’t be able to go and see her as often. So, Mum asked me to come home in my free lessons to check she was okay. Jake came with me and Grandma was still in bed but at least I got to see him for a couple of hours and we booked our flights to London.

Nobody was going out tonight cos they were either poor, working, tired or staying in to watch the last Big Brother (sad!) so Jake and I didn’t have much to do. We didn’t really want to sit in a pub on our own so we went and got a Chinese and he parked his car down the track up the back of the school field so we could eat it. That’s where we ended up staying though cos we had nothing else to do.

We pushed the front seats forward and sat in the back so we had more room. We talked for ages and at one point he started going on about people who had fancied him/he fancied before me/he’d snogged. Not good!

He then told me:

  • He’d been really pissed off when he liked me cos he couldn’t go to one of Freda’s parties and he knew I was going.
  • That he’d been really jealous of his brother cos I was on the ski trip.
  • That after he’d had assembly, he used to try and get out fast so he could see me (we sat in the common room cos his assembly was held where we usually sat).

I had his sheep-like Quiksilver fleece on in the back of the car at one point cos I was cold and he said I looked really cute in it!

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[Jake’s sheep fleece.]

Then we started kissing and the usual 2 things happened (3). I thought he was going to try and take it further at one point cos he sort of pressed himself up against me but I ignored it.

I think I fell asleep for a few minutes at one point so he took me home after that. I got a message from him saying, “I LOVE YOU LOADS TOO! YOU MAKE ME SOOO HAPPY! : ) I’M SOOO GLAD THAT I WENT AND FOUND YOU THAT MONDAY MORNING AFTER THE PARTY! YOU’RE THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME! I LOVE YOU!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”. Aahhh! 🙂

Bye!

Could’ve been embarrassing if he’d have walked straight in! – 13th & 14th September 2000

Wednesday 13th Gethin attempted to speak to me today but I pretty much ignored him cos I’m still pissed off. I went to Jake’s during the day in my frees to get out of the way before I hit Gethin and so we could sort out stuff for London.

We went to McDonald’s for lunch (again!) and Hayley was in there with Georgia. She told me that in their RE lesson, Sarah had been saying that she agrees with me in the argument but wants to stick with Gethin cos she doesn’t want to get on the wrong side of him (or something). Pathetic! I do feel a bit guilty about not seeing Sarah in college as much but if I didn’t see Jake, that’d be just as bad, if not worse.

Gethin sent me some apology messages after college and even followed me into the toilets but he kept asking if he could still come to the Trafford Centre tomorrow night so I think that’s all he’s really bothered about – getting some shopping!! I didn’t forgive him but I might soon. It depends how much he annoys me!

I went back to Jake’s tonight and we sat in his room and the usual happened but his dad came home and wanted to speak to him! Could’ve been embarrassing if he’d have walked straight in!

Bye!

Thursday 14th I was still really annoyed with Gethin for most of today but then I went home before lunch cos I felt really ill cos I’ve got a bad cold and cough. We still went to the Trafford Centre though so I sort of had to get on with Gethin and I’m gradually beginning to get over it!

I didn’t buy much, just a belly chain thing to go round the top of my trousers for when I go out and a pair of fleecy pants from Eisenegger. Nothing much interesting happened at all. Jake just dropped me straight off at home after.

I did get a few nice messages this evening though. He said, “YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO FALL ASLEEP AND I CAN’T SLEEP COS I’M WAITING FOR YOU TO SEND ME A MSG BACK! : ) GLAD FLOYD’S COMING TO LONDON TOO! YOU SHOULD BE IN MY BED NOW. IT’S NOT FAIR! UUH! I LOVE YOU TOO… FAR TOO MUCH TO ONLY SEE YOU FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS A DAY! NIGHT TIMES ARE A WASTE – I COULD BE WITH YOU! WELL… I CAN DREAM! x”.

Then later, we were still on the subject of London and he said, “WELL BEING IN THE SAME BUILDING AS YOU IS A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THIS! I’M SLEEPING ON MY BLANKET THINGY AND IT’S V. WEIRD COS WHERE YOU SEWED OUR INITIALS IN, THE HEART IS RIGHT WHERE MY HEAD IS! : ) OHH I WANT YOU HERE NOW! IT’S NOT THE SAME LYING HERE WITHOUT YOU! LOVE YOU LOADS! xJx”.

(I found a sewing kit that he’d got free on the cruise shop so when I was round at his house the other night, I sewed a button and TS+JT onto his blanket cos I got bored!)

Later still, he sent me a message saying, “NO – YOU’VE ENTERED COLLEGE 2 NOW – WHERE NOBODY HAS A SOCIAL LIFE… WHICH MEANS NO PARTIES! : ( WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT AT LEAST 4 YEARS BEFORE I GET TO SHARE A BED WITH YOU! : ( OR WE COULD JUST LIVE IN MY TENT AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER! LOVE xJx”.

Bye!

 

He was slagging me off no end. Bastard! – 11th & 12th September 2000

Monday 11th Jake and I went to the Trafford Centre tonight after college cos I handed my biology coursework in so I’ve not got as much work. We went to the cinema to see Scary Movie which was pretty good.

Afterwards, we just came straight home which disappointed me slightly but then he parked the car on the church car park next door where we stayed for quite a while. We talked mostly (he did begin 3 but stopped) about stuff.

He said he wants to skip a couple of years so we can live together. He also said he wouldn’t mind living in a tent if we had to! I mentioned the post office here in my village then he said we should put our pennies together and buy a post office in Scotland! Hmmm!

Bye!

Tuesday 12th Gethin is such a twat!!! I went out of college at 3rd lesson with Jake cos I was free but we came back at lunch to see if anyone wanted a trip to McDonald’s. Gethin, Sarah and Hayley came with us. Hayley’s fine at the moment and isn’t annoying me as much, Sarah seems a bit off with me but I think it might be cos I’ve not been around as much and she’s been left with Hayley, and Gethin’s just being a right moody little bastard!

He didn’t eat anything (and neither did Sarah actually) when we got there so I asked why he’d bothered coming when someone else could’ve done instead. Hayley and Sarah told me later that, when he’d got out of the car afterwards, he was slagging me off no end. Bastard!

Then this evening, I got a message from Sarah that was meant for Gethin and it included the words, “I dunno what’s wrong with Tess – maybe she’s stressed about London” (Jake and I are trying to organise a trip to London at half term and I can’t get straight answers out of anyone!) so they were obviously talking about me.

Then, I got a message from Jake saying Gethin had been slagging us both off to his brother, saying how we’re going to end up with no mates if we’re together all the time. This is very reminiscent of what he said to me over the phone a while back and what he said to Hugo. I told Gethin then that I wasn’t going to put up with it again so I sent him a few messages. They’re on this bit of paper cos I wrote it down before I sent anything so I could get everything in that I wanted to say. →

(The last message on the back is one Jake sent on Monday. I forget to write it in here!)

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Gethin sent me a few messages back saying that it was an “over exaggerated insult” and that he’d “put it down to stress and gossip” and then that “in the unlikely event of you ever needing me, you know where I am”. He is sooo cheesy! He should write cheesy soap opera scripts!!

He then asked if our friendship was over but I ignored him! Ha ha!!!

Jake’s far from pleased with Gethin either but I don’t think he’ll do much about it.

Bye!

I’ve got to smile more or I’ll get sacked – 9th & 10th September 2000

Saturday 9th I saw Jake during the day today. He came round here and we stayed in my room for most of the time. The usual happened and it wasn’t a one way thing for once!

Had to go to work tonight but it wasn’t too bad cos it was really busy. Gemma told me that Jake’s very good looking! 🙂 I know!!

Gethin’s pissing me off! He told everyone that he thinks Jake’s gay and that he wears nail varnish. He also keeps telling me that Martin the manager told him to tell me that I’ve got to smile more or I’ll get sacked when the area manager comes in. He also asked Jake last night if the reason he hadn’t said much was because he was “under the thumb”! Bastard!

I reckon I’m gonna get sacked actually cos I told that Sandra woman I can’t work next Saturday (there’s a Huddersfield open day and I’ve been planning on going with Mum and Dad for ages cos they want to see the place) and she was really off with me. She definitely wasn’t pleased!

The thing is, I’ve only been there a couple of weeks and if I quit or get sacked now, I’ll feel like a right failure and I’ll be the only one of my mates without a job. I’m confused and can’t think straight though!

Bye!

Sunday 10th When I finished work today, Jake came to get me cos we planned to go and get a Chinese for our tea. He brought his brother and sister in the car with him and we ended up in a queue at the petrol station at The Dog roundabout for about 30 minutes cos of this whole petrol price thing. I think it was one of the few round here that had any left.

We eventually go to the Chinese, by which time Jake was getting really pissed off cos he thought Robbie and Clara were being embarrassing but I just found them funny. While we were eating, Clara started telling me about Jake making horrible coughing noises when he brushes his teeth and he got really, really pissed off, told me it’s cos he chokes on toothpaste and dragged me upstairs out of their way! We just kissed and stuff but that was about it. He seems to know what he’s doing a bit more now. Perhaps he’s been reading up on it!

Bye!