Jacking off in his cupboard – 22nd June 2000

Thursday 22nd Today turned out to be quite good in the end. I was beginning to doubt I wanted to go this morning cos I didn’t want to be getting the way of any lad chats! Sarah ended up coming too which I was quite pleased about, otherwise I’d have been stuck with Jake, Gethin and Robbie Taylor (who I will call MiniTaylor in this diary from now on due to there being too many Roberts and Jake gets called ‘Taylor’ by most people!). It was just quite funny cos Gethin was being a prick so MiniTaylor was taking the piss out of him but Sarah was still worshipping the ground Gethin walked on!

We spent most of our time in Starbucks as usual but trekked round the shops for a bit. Jake went in River Island (the bloke bit of course!) to look at some bandanas! He’d better not get one! Both Taylor lads wear Quiksilver stuff (sad!) so we kept losing them both to it this time!

I got left on a bench with Jake for a while cos we couldn’t be bothered moving. The others wandered off and came back talking about MiniTaylor jacking off in his cupboard or something?! I didn’t want to know!

We then saw Ewan Swann (prat!) and Maisie Jones and then decided to go home!

I had a message before saying, “HELLO! DID YOU JUST HEAR THE THUNDER? IT’S FINALLY ARRIVED! HOW’S THE REVISION GOING? I’M SO GLAD YOU CAME TODAY! I’M MISSING YOU NOW THOUGH! LOVE YOU!!! : ) xxx”. That pleased me in the middle of my Geography revision! I’ve got my last external exam tomorrow!

Found out from MiniTaylor that their sister’s read Jake’s text messages! I’m going to have to get his phone off him and read them cos I can’t remember what I put!

Bye!

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Perhaps in a mad fit of passion!! – 20th June 2000

Tuesday 20th I decided to send Jake a message at about 11:00 last night cos I thought he’d be home by then. I just asked if he had any exams before Friday and told him about Cat and Floyd breaking a bed (perhaps in a mad fit of passion!!) and, to my relief, he sent one back. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me sending messages but he didn’t seem to mind. He said, “NO HAVEN’T GOT AN EXAM!! WHY – ARE YOU IN COLLEGE? IT WAS MY MUM’S FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON – JUST HAD A BIG MEAL AT THE HOTEL WITH FRIENDS! LOVE YOU TOO – LOTS!!! xJx”.

So he finally decided to tell me… after it was over! I suppose at least he said something eventually. I sent him one back saying I knew about the funeral cos loads of other people had told me. I also said I was meeting Hayley and Gethin in college so we could go to Sarah’s today. He said, “WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE FUNERAL? – I THINK I ONLY TOLD GETHIN! I DIDN’T WANT TO SAY COS YOU WERE REVISING! SO SHOULD I COME IN AT ABOUT 11am? LOVE xJx”.

I suppose he had no reason to think that I couldn’t concentrate on my revision anyway cos I already knew and was worrying cos he hadn’t said anything! As for him telling Gethin about it, well, I nearly cried again! That really upset me that he’d told Gethin and not me. I also remembered that on Friday he told me he’s going on a cruise for 2 weeks with Hugo on the 19th August and later on I found out that Gethin had known about it for ages before me! I’m not pleased about that at all!

Anyway, I told Jake that loads of people have been asking/telling me about the funeral all week and that I had to say I didn’t know much about it which caused me to get some weird looks! He said, “SORRY – HOPE YOU DON’T FEEL TOO STUPID! SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU!” The rest of that message was just about going to Sarah’s.

I sent him another saying it was okay but I’ve been getting the feeling that some people think I don’t care and that I do. I also asked if he tells Gethin everything! His reply was, “I KNOW YOU CARE! ONLY TOLD G COS HE ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING THIS AFTERNOON! MY NEXT EXAM IS FRI! SO IS EVERYONE FRIENDS AGAIN THEN?? LOVE YOU LOTS!!! : ) xJx”. It made me feel a bit better when he said that Gethin had asked cos if I’d have asked he’d probably have told me too.

There were a few messages after that saying about his Europe holiday and how I’ll apparently “need my friends”. I told him that I don’t need them as much as everyone seems to think cos they’re all acting like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown or something while he’s away! His reaction to that was, “AAH!!! GONNA THINK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME! YOU WON’T HAVE A BREAKDOWN! YOU’RE TOO STRONG AND I’M GONNA CALL YOU ALL THE TIME!! : ) xJx”. I really don’t know where he’s getting the idea that I’m “strong” or whatever from!!

The 4 of us went to see Sarah today like we arranged. We didn’t do much! We just sat about, watched The Full Monty on video and listened to music. Jake told me I was “cuddly” again and he said he wanted to eat my arm and take my nose away with him! Hmmm… I think someone’s gone a bit mad! It must be the hot weather we’re having at the moment!

We were discussing this “fit” cricketer that Hayley’s found at the Sports Club and I agreed to go with her to see him tonight. Jake started telling me that he didn’t want me to chase any cricketers and that he doesn’t trust Hayley not to lead me astray! He’s not that keen on the idea of me going on Hayley’s brother’s girlfriend’s hen night to Blackpool either!

Yet again, the Canada subject came up. He told me that he won’t have a good time all the time cos he’ll have to sit and read or something due to the drinking age being 21 where he’s going! Someone asked how he’d cope without alcohol and he said, “I can cope without alcohol, I just can’t cope without Tessa!” That made me smile!

Tonight I went and watch England being beaten by Romania 😦 at the Sports Club and also to see that cricketer! He’s not that nice at all and he looks like Robert G from a distance which isn’t good at all!! Hayley’s found out he’s called Paul and lives up Mowley Common Lane. That’s near my house so I hope Hayley’s not going to be round here at every possible opportunity now!

Bye!

He called me all the names under the sun – 17th June 2000

Saturday 17th It’s the village Millennium thing today. Mum and I went to see the floats which were actually quite good. Clara Taylor was on the schools one dressed up as Geri Halliwell in the Union Jack dress. She saw me and said to the girl next to her, “That’s my brother’s girlfriend”. I lip read her and Mum must have done too cos she said they’d been talking about me after I’d told Mum who she was!

Tonight was that party for Jake’s mate Alex at the leisure centre. Jake’s dad gave me, Sarah and that Marco lad a lift there. He told us that Jake had told him not to speak so it wasn’t too bad! He’s got a big, green, T-reg Merc!

Sarah and I felt very out of place at the party cos Gethin and everyone else was already drunk and we didn’t really know anyone. Jake stayed with me though, even though all his mates were there. Sarah and Gethin were being really nasty all night. They’d both drunk quite a bit and that’s the effect it had. They both kept snapping at me and making snide little comments. At one point later on, I saw someone tumble out of the door and fall down the steps onto the floor behind the next table and roll about a bit! I was very amused to see that it was Sarah and that she’d gained a huge hole in her tights and 2 grazed knees!!

We left Alex’s at about 11:30 and got a taxi back to Floyd’s cos he was having a gathering at his house. A few people were sat watching TV in the living room so Jake and I went in there. Everyone else wandered off into the kitchen so we took advantage of the fact we were alone to get a bit of kissing done!

At one point, everyone moved into the garden and then Gethin appeared at the window and started singing! I went to shut the window but he wouldn’t let me. Eventually he wandered off and I shut the curtains. Jake and I then carried on kissing.

Unfortunately, Gethin came in and started singing and wouldn’t go away. He knew perfectly well he was being annoying but when I told him where to go, he called me all the names under the sun and then went!

We got up to 3 on him and I had to keep an eye out for people coming in cos he was lying there with his eyes shut! Nothing happened cos first Cat ran in telling us she’d just been chased by a dog, then Floyd came in and told us Sarah had gone missing, and then Sarah came in and whinged she wanted to leave so we gave up! Lizzie was the only one who left us alone! I think she understands what it’s like to be interrupted thought! I hope nobody realised what I was doing!

Anyway, Sarah was sat with us for ages so I eventually told her to just phone for a taxi. It wasn’t even that late, she only wanted to go cos Gethin and Lizzie were in the garden together or something. The taxi came within about 5 mins so Jake and I were very pissed off!

I had to try and be nice to Sarah cos she was stopping over at mine. Maybe I was being a bit selfish wanting to stay when she didn’t but Jake said she was the one being selfish cos she wouldn’t have wanted to leave so soon if she’d been with Gethin.

Bye!

98% on the sick-making factor – 16th June 2000

Friday 16th Late last night, Jake and I got onto the subject of the cowgirl look in text messages! I mentioned it first by telling him there were even more hats but no tops at the Trafford Centre or something. Anyway, I got a message from him saying, “THAT’S 2 WORDS OF 6 LETTERS BOTH BEGINNING WITH C! (1 IS A COUNTRY)!? MMM ALL I’M GONNA SAY IS IT WOULD MAKE MY DAY – OR NIGHT! LOVE YOU TOO!!! : ) xxx Jake xxx”. Those 2 words are obviously cowboy and Canada!

I then asked him what the perfect cowgirl outfit would be and he said, “MMM… THAT TOP OF COURSE (HAT OPTIONAL AND FOR PRIVATE VIEWING ONLY)! SLIGHTLY FLARED JEANS WITH PATTERNS DOWN LEG AND OPEN HIGH HEELED SHOES!…” and then, “I DON’T EXPECT ALL THAT THOUGH! DON’T WORRY IF THAT DESCRIPTION WAS VERY GRAPHIC – I DON’T THINK ABOUT IT THAT MUCH – HONEST! LOVE xJx : )”. Well, I’d been half asleep before he sent that message!

I had a Biology exam this morning which I’ve so obviously failed and then the Geography exam at the same time as Jake this afternoon. It wasn’t too bad cos he was sat about 5 desks in front of me on a different row. The exam though was awful! I was one mark off an A on the mock but I don’t even think I’ll have got a grade for the real thing! There were 2 questions on rivers and coasts, and 2 on climate. I’m better at the rivers stuff so I intended to do those but they were solid [really difficult] so I had to do the climate ones in the end.

Jake and I stayed for a while after the exams cos Gethin, Cat, Lizzie, Floyd and a few others were painting signs for the Millennium Celebrations in the village. Gethin threatened to spray paint me gold but Jake said I looked nice the way I am! Gethin decided that comment was 98% on the sick-making factor and he’s probably right! It was really sweet though.

Tonight we went to a party on the other side of Warrington. It was for a girl called Melanie’s birthday. Gethin knows her through Davis Nolan cos she used to stalk Gethin so we all go invited to keep him company. I knew a few people there from Davis’s parties but not many. It was still quite good though.

Sarah got together with Maz P and Gethin was jealous of one of them but wouldn’t say which (he’s bisexual)!! I sat on a kitchen stool with Jake for most of the night. We kissed a lot and there was a bit of 2 but it went unnoticed. I didn’t go in his pants, I stayed on the outside just in case. It continued later on the sofa but people kept walking in! I hope nobody saw us cos they’d have thought much more was going on, I think, although he wasn’t on top of me!

We left quite late and Jake drove us home. I sent him a message when I got in saying Sarah seemed pleased with her catch of Maz P and that I would’ve done pretty much anything had there not been loads of people about. That would probably have been true. He said, “GOOD!! I’M HAPPY FOR HER! DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SO TIRED – HAVEN’T WALKED ANYWHERE TONIGHT! I KNOW – WE’LL GET SOME PRIVACY ONE DAY! NIGHT NIGHT! LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I’ve just remembered something he said at Melanie’s. My hip cracked or something when I moved and I said I must be falling apart and he said, “I’ll hold you together!” Soppy but sweet!

Bye!

Some girlfriends would help much more – 14th June 2000

Wednesday 14th Mr H dragged me out of the common room today for “a quiet word”. Mum’s asked him if he knows if anyone in school has organised for donations to be sent wherever due to Jake’s mum because she says she wants to do something but doesn’t want to send anything to the family seeing as we don’t know them really. Mr H just told me to tell Mum that he’d spoken to Mrs L about it but it’s Mrs G who might be organising something. He said he’s not sure of the formalities so he’ll let us know.

He then said how he spoke to Jake yesterday and he thinks he seems to be coping very well with it all. He also said he’s lucky to have me (although I reckon some girlfriends would help much more than me) and started asking when the funeral is and stuff. Of course, as soon as I went back into the common room, everyone wanted to know what he’d wanted. I didn’t say cos I didn’t want to bring the subject up cos it upsets me a bit still and I also don’t know how many people know.

Then, in Community Studies, Mrs L gave me a lift round to Mum’s primary school. She knows Jake’s family I think and she knows about me and Jake. She too was asking how he is and stuff and reassured me that all men bottle it up (we reckon cos they see it as being soft to show their emotions!).

Then she asked if I was going to the funeral. Every time someone mentions that I get a slight lump in my throat because I’ve heard about it from nearly everyone else but him. Although, as I think I’ve said before, if he does mention it, I won’t know what to say so maybe it’s better if he doesn’t.

I sent him a message during today and found out he was shopping in Manchester for a suit and shoes. My immediate thought was “Oooh, a suit!” cos I think lads look very nice in them but then it occurred to me that it might well be for the funeral on Monday. I didn’t ask.

I had a message from him last night which ended, “LOVE YOU TO BITS!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”. I needed to hear that.

Bye!

I can’t get any of it out of my head – 13th June 2000

Tuesday 13th First thing this morning, Bhakti came into our common room looking for Jake. He wasn’t in at that point so she came and spoke to me. She asked how he was and I had to say I didn’t know. She asked about the funeral and I had to say I didn’t know.

She seemed to think it was yesterday because he’d told her they were having it on Monday cos it’s his mum’s birthday. I told her that it’s probably next Monday cos that’s when her birthday is – on the 19th. That’s the only thing I could tell her, although if I hadn’t know when his mum’s birthday is, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her that either. She told me that people were asking for his address so they can send him cards and stuff. Also that his grades will go up by one too.

I get the feeling that people think I’m awful for not knowing anything about the situation and that I should but I don’t ask cos I don’t care. The truth is I do care but I don’t know anything because he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask because I’m scared of him resenting me for making him talk about something that he doesn’t want to talk about.

I think most people know what’s happened now. At 2nd lesson, just before Jake arrived, Freda told me she’d heard about his mum cos Miranda’s been invited to the funeral. This filled me with panic because if Miranda’s going and hasn’t even been going out with Robbie that long, what if Jake asks me??

I wouldn’t know what to do if he asked me to go. I’d feel awful saying no if he wanted me to be there but, if I went, I know I’d probably get upset by it and I’d also feel really uncomfortable because Jake’s kept me out of that part of his life really. I’d feel like I had no right to be there, as if I was intruding. Hopefully he won’t put me in that position. I’ve also got a Sports Studies mock exam on Monday but I could hardly use that as an excuse cos it seems so unimportant compared to someone’s funeral.

Sarah doesn’t think he’ll ask me because he’s kept me separate from it all so far but as soon as I told Hayley when the funeral is, she expected me to be going along without him even asking me. Abby says that if he asks me I “have to go” really. I’m so confused about what I should do.

I keep telling myself to forget about it for now and worry about it if he does ask me to go but then if he did and I hadn’t thought about it, I’d be stuck for words again. I’d planned the sort of thing I’d say to him when he told me she’d died but when it came to it though, my mind went totally blank. I just don’t know what to do.

He was being okay again when he came in. Bhakti found him and started talking to him about funerals and stuff so I left them to it because, again, I felt like it was a conversation that I shouldn’t have been listening to. I don’t know if that was the case though.

At the end of lunch, I asked if he was staying for the rest of the afternoon. He said no and that he wouldn’t see me until Friday. He didn’t say why and, yet again, I didn’t want to ask for fear of making him tell me something he didn’t want to.

In all my lessons after that, I felt like crying and if someone had raised their voice to me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to help it. I’ve kept crying a bit all evening at various times, mainly through the frustration of not being able to concentrate on revision because of all this and because I keep thinking about it all. I can’t get any of it out of my head.

At some point this week, I can see myself just crying uncontrollably because everything’s building up. I also remembered before that Jake’s going away in a few weeks for a month and I’m hardly getting to see him now. That’s really selfish, isn’t it? He’s got good reasons for not being around so much.

If I do snap, I really don’t want him to be around or anyone to tell him because I don’t think he realises this is all affecting me quite so much (although this is probably nothing compared to him and his family) and I don’t want him to have to worry about me as well or him to think I’m stupid for getting upset cos it’s not a member of my family that’s died recently.

I can’t get my head round all this. There’s no way I’m going to pass any of my exams so I don’t know how the heck Jake and Robbie are managing.

Bye!

I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!! – 12th June 2000

Monday 12th I spoke to Miranda again very briefly this morning. I asked if she’d spoken to Robbie and how he was. She told me she had and that he seemed okay. At that point, I should’ve walked off faster cos she said that Robbie had told her something about Jake and what he drops in the bath. Her friend then put her hand over Miranda’s mouth and told her not to say anything cos it’s disgusting and would put me off. I told her to tell me anyway cos I’d be wondering what she was going to say for ages otherwise. She made me promise not to say anything and then told me that Jake leaves hairs in the bath and also on his wooden bedroom floor with bits from his feet! Yuk!! I’ll remember that if I ever want to put myself off the lad!

I had a conversation with Philip Daly this morning too. He was just saying how Floyd’s having a party at the weekend and stuff. At least he doesn’t think I hate him anymore!

Jake only came after college today so I only got about an hour with him before he went round to Gethin’s for tea. He said if he’d gone home he’d only have had to make his brother’s tea as well as his own and his sister only eats about 3 different things which makes it difficult!

We did some quiz out of the newspaper on him and it turned out as saying he’s “somewhat feminine”!

The fact the Jake and Gethin have become such good mates is nice cos it’s better than him not getting on with my friends but it also worries me greatly! When I’m not there, I know they discuss things that they wouldn’t when I’m around! I’m a bit bothered that Gethin interfering might push Jake into taking things further with me cos it’ll shut Gethin up, rather than cos he wants to. I’m also worried that he’ll discuss stuff we’ve already done and assess it or something!

Okay, so I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!!

Bye!