One of her against the rest of them – 13th & 15th March 1999

Saturday 13th I should be there now at that concert but I’m not, am I? The advert for it and competitions to win tickets for it keep coming on the radio just to rub it in. There are so many questions I want answering but I don’t want to ask them for fear of what the answer might be. It could be something I don’t want to hear and that I’m better off not hearing but I really want to put them on the spot and make them suffer.

Hayley phoned here before. She’s working hard at the florist this weekend coz of Mother’s Day tomorrow. She’s delivering a bunch to Ewan’s mum tomorrow and told me that she did a couple of years ago too and he answered in his Lion King pyjamas! Aah, how sweet!

She also told me that this morning they [the bitches] all walked past. I think they stayed over at Rachael’s house before tonight and Georgia went in the shop to cancel an order. They make me so angry! I still can’t believe they’re going to get away with all this. […so I drew them.]

[The herd from left to right: Emma, Rachael, Lindsey, Olivia and Lena.]

[The herd from left to right: Emma, Rachael, Lindsey, Olivia and Lena.]


Monday 15th I sort of had it out with Emma this morning. Well, Hayley did, I just sat there and waited for her to shut up.

Lena, Jade and Lindsey weren’t in school so I took the opportunity to let her explain properly whilst she was on her own. But as soon as she opened her mouth, Hayley jumped down her throat saying how they’d all treated us like shit and stuff. She’s handled it all in a completely different way to me. I’ve been trying to take the calm approach whilst she’s just been screaming and yelling at people then bursting into tears.

I managed to get Emma alone later on and I just asked why she went along with it all. She basically said that she was sorry and that she knows she’s meant to be my friend but there was like one of her against the rest of them. She gave the same answer when I asked about the Johnny thing.

I think I believe her and I can half understand why she did it and I know she wasn’t behind it all. She told me that just before Lena told me about the seats, she’d gone up to Emma and said, “I’m going to tell Tess the seats have been double-booked coz Georgia’s coming. Just play along.” I think that’s the truth coz I did see Lena speaking quickly to Emma before she said that to me.

If she really did agree with what they’ve done and wasn’t feeling guilty then she probably wouldn’t have taken the risk of talking to me about it. Not only that but telling me who was behind it all and also telling me that she knows Rachael’s an immature little cow and there’s no excuse for the way she’s been acting.

I feel a bit better now most of this is out in the open between me and Emma. I dunno about her though but she wasn’t acting as if she wanted to get rid of me quite as much today. I’ve found myself forgiving her for it because she seems to have been pretty honest with me about the situation.

As I was waiting for Mum to drive past and pick me up on the way home, a white Ford Escort drove past beeping. I looked up and there was Nutter waving at me from the passenger seat. I think I sort of smiled but only out of shock!


A horny Ferny – 8th October 1998

Thursday 8th Nothing much happened today. I’m only really sticking a few things in. Such as these:-

[Oh good God, I drew all the boys. I DREW ALL THE BOYS! Three times.]

They just started off as a doodle but I thought that there was a bit of a likeness to that lot in real life.

First one I did. Pretty crap but I was bored.

2nd one I did. I was still bored so I tried to improve on the 1st one.

The best of the lot. Only coz I included colour, fags and a horny Ferny!

[Left to right we have Freddie, Ralph, Graham, Ferny, Jez (people called him a sheep because he was from Yorkshire) and Dougie. They’d all better be completely unaware that IDST exists.]


We’ll slash his tyres – 7th & 9th January 1998

Wednesday 7th Mrs C’s shifted the desks about so Lizzie and I aren’t sitting in front of Dougie and Neil K. We’re still near them but it’s not as easy to turn round and talk to them. Dougie sounded quite disappointed actually.  He said, “Ah, we can’t talk to you anymore.”

Emma and Sarah tried to get my £1 back off Ralph but the 1st time they mentioned it he started singing Gala ‘Free From Desire’. The 2nd time he told them he only had 20p.


P.S. Hockey was good actually. We did it indoors too and I didn’t bother cleaning my trainers last night so I was squelching and dropping mud all round the sports hall!

January 1998 - Hockey

Friday 9th I tried to get my quid back today. I caught him scrambling round looking for his bag amongst a load that had been dumped on the floor. It was said like this:-

T: Ralph, you owe me a quid.
R: No I don’t.
T: Yeah you do. Just think, you could have been left at Warrington Bus Station but I…
R: Yeah ok. I’ll give it you back sometime, like next year.
T: No, you’ll give it me on Monday or I’ll have your bike.

January 1998 - Money

It’s a bit daft of him to get on the wrong side of people when everyone know which is his bike. Emma’s gonna tell him we’ll slash his tyres if I don’t get my money back! [Ha! Yeah right.]


January 1998 - Drip

We were pretending it was a voodoo doll – 10th November 1997

Monday 10th I’m sorry I didn’t write yesterday. I couldn’t face it! I had a bit of a shock, you see, coz […*2015 Tess turns page to find out what awful, shocking thing had happened*…] last night Man Utd only went and lost to BLOODY Arseholes with their manager Arsehole Wanker. [Oh. Is that all? And watch your bloody language, young Tess!] Sorry, Arsenal and their manager Arsene Wenger. I mean, we’re still one point clear at the top but it could’ve been more. I’ve not heard the end of it from Hayley all day.

I was dreading seeing Dougie today coz I was embarrassed about Saturday but he didn’t actually say owt.

Emma’s bought, well, her mum got her this bendy alien thing from holiday where she was at the weekend which looks like this:-

November 1997 - Katebert

It’s green and she’s called it Katelie Jacobs coz it looks like a mixture between Kate Moss and Charlie Wilson and I bent it into a yoga type position and Lucy Jacobs does yoga so that’s where we got the surname from. It was funny at break coz we were pretending it was a voodoo doll and I bent it’s head back and Charlie put his hand round the back of his neck, then Emma moved its arm and he moved to wave to someone, I think!

I was pissing about at lunch and I told Cat and Emma that I fancied Dougie, Freddie and Ralph. They thought I was joking so I added Neil Kennedy on the end. They only went in the library and asked him out for me. Great! That’s 4 people who think I fancy them now! Freddie and Ralph do coz Hayley asked them out for me, Neil does after today and Dougie must be a bit suspicious after us turning up outside his house at 9:00 at night!

Louise Woodward’s sentence has been changed to manslaughter and she’s already served her 9 months in prison so she’s free. She can’t come home to Britain just yet because the prosecution might appeal so she’s agreed to let them keep her passport until it’s been sorted. Everyone seems pleased with this verdict, although there will be some that aren’t.


Oops, what an accident! – 28th & 29th October 1997

Tuesday 28th Ok, I have a decision to make. Do I go to London with Mum and Abby or do I stay at home with Dad and go to the cinema and ice skating with the lot that went to Manchester?

I really can’t choose. I wanna do both. There’s a chance I could get ice skating changed to another day but who’s stopping them from going somewhere else without me?

Oh well, I’ve got another day to decide.


Wednesday 29th I’m going to London tomorrow.

I’ve had a really boring day coz Abby went to Camelot and Emma was shopping in Bolton. I phoned Emma this evening and I couldn’t believe it when she told me what she’d bought.

She 1st asked me to describe Freda’s jacket so I told her it was a black and white USA Nike one. Oops, what an accident! [I believe that to be sarcasm.] She’d gone and bought the same one. I then asked her what else she’d bought and she said an Umbro sweatshirt. I asked her to describe that and she said it was grey with ‘Original Training Product’ written on the sleeve. I thought it was a wind-up so I told her and said, “Sounds like mine!” She then asked me if I was joking. She’s only gone and bought something else the same as mine!

 October 1997 - Sportswear

I asked her calmly why she’d started buying sports gear and she said it was coz it doesn’t make you look fat. Bollocks!!! It makes her look awful! She’s gone from jeans and stuff which suited her to stuff like what I wear. It’s embarrassing to go anywhere with her at the moment coz she looks the same as me. I just want her to go back to her own style instead of mine. [STYLE?! Did I think living in joggers like a massive scruff was a style?! I should’ve been copying Emma, not the other way round.] I’m really getting annoyed about it now.

Anyway, I had to try not to say owt to her on the phone coz I wanted to persuade her out of going ice skating on Friday. I think I have and we’re going on Monday now.

We tried to do a 3 way call with Lizzie to tell her but she wasn’t in so we did Ralph. It was a very short talk and he said he could come and that he’d phone Freddie. A few minutes later we phoned him back and this time it was a bit longer. He said his mum had been asking him the questions you always get when a member of the opposite sex phones you!

Emma wants Davis to come but we didn’t. I s’pose she’ll just phone him when we’re not there.


I panicked and worried that he’d be wearing his Adidas pants – 25th October 1997

Saturday 25th I’ve had quite a good day actually. I phoned Emma this morning and we decided to go into the next village after lunch. I had to wait at the end of her land for ages before she turned up. I was really annoyed at her coz she was wearing the same Adidas pants as me.

I found out that I couldn’t really have gone to the cinema whether Emma had asked me or not because it was Ed’s birthday treat or something. She said Hayley had phoned her last night too coz she was feeling guilty about me not going. That was nice.

Anyway, we went into the village and got a few sweets and stuff then cycled up by the phone box so we decided to phone someone. I said Dougie but Emma said she didn’t want to coz she’s always phoning him but we thought of an excuse which was that we wanted to know what was going on on Monday with the cinema or whatever.

We phoned Hayley 1st to see if she could come but she wasn’t in so we, well Emma, just phoned Dougie. They started off decided where were going and I think we’re all going to Manchester now. The conversation carried on until Emma said something about him joining us today and meeting us by the park. She hung up and told me he was coming in about three quarters of an hour.

I panicked and worried that he’d be wearing his Adidas pants too.

July 1997 - Outfit example

[These were the type of Adidas pants of concern.]

We went to the shops for a bit to pass the time and so Emma could ask the beauticians if they took work experience pupils. They said no. We ended up waiting on the stairs for ages coz it was warm and we could see the park.

Emma went into the bogs and he arrived. I didn’t know if I should tell her or go to him coz I thought he might go. I went down and waved for him to come across the road. He did and I was just about to go and get Emma when she came back down.

Dougie was wearing his black Adidas pants (Phew!) [Mine were navy blue.] and his usual grey rollerblade top.

We decided to go and see Ed’s rats. I didn’t want to really but it was something to do. Dougie kept asking us where people lived. Emma told him but I didn’t. Ed wasn’t in so we rode up Hall Drive coz Dougie wanted to see it and Emma said something about collecting phone numbers and Dougie seemed to think that was really sad.

We then went down the alley and up the road towards the woods. We got up to the lightning tree [A tree that was all scorched and stumpy.] and Emma suggested carrying on til we got to the dual carriageway.

October 1997 - Woods

We got as far as what Emma called ‘the minefield’. We kept asking her why she called it that and she said it was some army thing where they put mines. We told her she was being daft and she said there were signs everywhere warning you about it. We laughed at her. They were signs saying ‘Rentokil’ which is a pest control thing, innit?

Emma gave me black look coz she had told me before Dougie came that she didn’t want us ganging up against her together like we usually do. I hadn’t noticed.

We turned back eventually and went in the direction we’d just come from back into the woods. On the way, we went under the railway bridge and there are steps on the other side up to the track so we went up. I said to Dougie, “I bet a train comes” and one did. We got up and he said to me, “Did you get the number, Tess?” suggesting I was a trainspotter but before I could say anything he changed it and said, “Sorry, I meant Emma!” He is so tight really but at least he wasn’t insulting me! I don’t know why he changed it though.

We went back down coz a train was coming the other way and went to the woods. Dougie and I got there 1st coz Emma was walking her bike for some reason. There was a stream there so we both found a narrow place. He offered to jump over and I could pass him the bikes. The banks were really muddy and I was sliding down. He had hold of a branch but was still slipping. We got his bike across, just.

By that time, Emma had caught up and started trying to cross where it was wider with much steeper banks. I don’t know why she didn’t just come to us. She only went and got stuck, didn’t she! One leg was on one side of the stream and the other was on the other side with her bike stood up in the stream next to her, holding her up. She was screaming for us to help her out so Dougie ran and tried to grab her and I got her bike out. He was grabbing and pulling at her but he was slipping too. I pulled her bike out and he let go and she fell in!!!

Only her legs got wet but it was so funny. Dougie and I couldn’t stop laughing but I wasn’t just laughing at her, I was laughing at him too. He laugh is really funny. It’s sorta high pitched. It doesn’t suit him. It’s like when we went under the bridge, he screamed coz it echoed and I thought he was Emma coz he sounded like a girl!

I climbed a tree and Dougie stood there whilst Emma dried off. I’d got my bike over so we rode off. Emma was begging us not to tell anyone coz she was embarrassed but I don’t know if I can manage it!

We got back to the main road and went our separate ways. I wanna do summit like that tomorrow but I don’t know if they’d want to.

Oh yeah, after we’d called for Ed, we suggested calling for Hayley but Dougie said no. If he liked her, he would have said yes, wouldn’t he?


P.S. This thing’s changed colour on it’s own.
Dougie’s scared of rats!!!
Manchester United 7 – Barnsley F.C. 0     YEAH!!!

October 1997 - Rat

I’ve decided I like them both – 20th October 1997

Monday 20th I saw Ralph, Freddie and Dougie on my way to English. I didn’t really notice Ralph but Freddie looked at me and Dougie sorta smiled. I’ve decided I like them both.

This evening I phoned Emma about some Chemistry homework and we decided to do that 3 way call thing with Dougie. [Don’t worry if you have no idea what I mean. I’m about to give you a set of instructions.] She did most of it and dialled Dougie.

You have to:-

  1. Dial the first person as normal.
  2. Press ‘Recall’.
  3. Wait for the dialling tone then dial the 2nd
  4. When the 2nd person answers, press ‘Recall’, wait for the dial tone and press ‘3’.

You see, you are not meant to let the first person answer but I was already talking to Emma and she did the rest and it still worked. [Much to the delight of our phone bill paying parents, no doubt.]

October 1997 - 3 way call

The 3 of us were all talking about where we’re going this weekend (to see Shooting Fish probably) then we decided to experiment and try a 4 way call. Dougie suggested Ralph coz he’s got his number which set us off saying that Emma fancies Ralph. Then that set us off about the dodgems and Hayley and Dougie. Then he said we don’t have to tell Hayley where we’re going. I said that was tight and asked him why he didn’t want her to come. He said he didn’t mind or something.

Eventually we got round to trying the 4-way call but it didn’t work so we went.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him tomorrow!


He was acting like a bit of a knob – 18th October 1997

Saturday 18th It was so good today. I really enjoyed it. It helped that Man U drew 2-2 against Derby County after being 2-0 down.

October 1997 - MUFC rule

Mum took me to Emma’s then her mum took us and Lizzie to Hayley’s house. We went in and had to wait a few minutes for Georgia but when she arrived we went round the corner to the bus stop. The bus came and nobody knew what to say so we were arguing about who was going on first. Hayley gave in eventually.

It didn’t take long to get to LA Bowl. We got there at about 2:20pm and only Davis was there. The 6 of us decided to go on the dodgems. I went in with Hayley coz they were £1 each so we split it. She drove but it was still good. You only got about 5 minutes though so we just hung round the pool tables and video games.

About 20 minutes later, Hayley and I went to the entrance to the phone and she rang Dougie twice to see if they were on their way. Nobody answered so we went and stood with the others.

Not long after, Dougie, Freddie and Ralph walked in. They didn’t see us so we went over and said hi. We went on the dodgems again 1st and Hayley went with Dougie so I went with Georgia and drove. It’s really hard to control them at first and I kept going backwards but I got used to it after a while. Dougie kept making comments to Hayley about women drivers and got a slap from her!

We all messed about with the racing and ski games then went on the bowling alleys. Sam Allsop and Brian Short (a pair of complete wankers) decided they would join us, even though we didn’t want them to. We had 2 lanes and boys v. girls. There were 6 of them and 5 of us but we still won in the end!

It was quite good that part coz we were all sort of stood in a group so we could talk. Hayley and I kept running off to check the footy results on the TV. (Liverpool lost to Everton 2-0. Ha ha, never mind, Hayley!) The rest of the time I was stood by the  bowling controls with Dougie and Freddie mostly and I discovered the button to make the clearing thing come down early so I pressed it whenever the lads were going to knock any down but Dougie did it back so it didn’t make much difference on the scores overall.

October 1997 - Bowling

After bowling we went back on the dodgems once, I think. I went on with Georgia again and let her drive. I think after that Dougie asked me if I was coming to get a drink. I said yes and everyone else came too. I didn’t actually get one though.

There was this group of little lads skitting Hayley about her LFC shirt and saying how I had the right idea with my MUFC one. [Spellcheck doesn’t like the word ‘skitting’ so I’m assuming it’s not commonly used. It meant ribbing/making fun of/taking the piss out of.] One lad ended up spitting at Hayley through a straw but it missed. Ralph then went and stuffed an ice cube down his back which set Freddie off. He did it to everyone except me. I didn’t say, “Don’t you dare!” but then so did everyone else.

We went on the dodgems again and I went in on my own. Freddie had it in for me! I got him back though.

We all went to the bus stops across the road from each other to get home. They kept waving to us until their bus went. It was quite a good day really.

I’ve gone off Dougie a bit but not completely. [WHAT?! How can this be?!] I still like him but he was acting like a bit of a knob today. I actually quite like Freddie too. I don’t know why though. [Because he was a boy.]


A pessimist is a well-informed optimist

Greetings from 2015!

I’m having a change of scene from my teenage diary today. I only do this on special occasions e.g. when I unearth a piece of spectacularly bad poetry. This time, I have uncovered solid evidence that I always have been (and probably always will be) a massive pessimist.

I have found my ‘Fire Escape Routes’ diagram.


After digging out my Man Utd shirt from 1997 the other week, I decided it was probably time to thin out my hoard. At the back of a drawer, I found a box of crap. Crap to the level that it included a lump of candle wax I had moulded into a ball about 24 years ago. There were a couple of gems in there though, one of which was ‘The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook’.


It’s full of handy hints and tips like how to deal with a charging bull, escape from a sinking car, and perform a tracheostomy; all situations I have genuinely worried about encountering. Mum knew this and bought me the book as a birthday present in my early 20s. I was pleased to find it and her little note in the front.


The A4 sheet detailing ‘Fire Escape Routes’ fell out of one of the pages. I did it when I was 10 or 11 following a visit to school from Cheshire Fire & Rescue and the doom-laden Welephant. It didn’t take much to make me worry so when Welephant told me I should make a Fire Escape Plan, I blooming well went home and made a Fire Escape Plan. In ridiculous detail. Down to the pillows on the beds and the taps on the sinks.


Don’t understand it? FEAR NOT! I wrote a key on the back.


This pessimist liked to make sure everyone in her optimistic family was well-informed so the plan was pinned up by the fridge for all to see for years. Thankfully, it’s not yet been put into action but I’m going to stick it back on the wall JUST IN CASE.

Should I be worried about how much I worry or do other people do things like this?!

On that note, I’m off the test the smoke alarm batteries.


Charlie Wilson has got a girlfriend – 30th September 1997

Tuesday 30th Alright? It’s been a horrid day today weather-wise. It’s been chucking it down all day.

Charlie Wilson has got a girlfriend. [I’ll have been secretly heartbroken.] Not in our school which is why he doesn’t have guitar lessons anymore so he can see her, poor girl. But then Mr P told us this so it might not be true.

Anyway, Charlie’s set up a fan club and I’m his manager! Emma is the first (and only) member. Charlie doesn’t know about this yet but I have suggested it to him before.

Freda, Olivia and Lindsey Bullman (she’s a complete bitch and looks like a horse) have upset Cat over something about an English mark and they made her cry. I thought she was being a bit soft but then I wasn’t there when this all happened because Lizzie and I went out at lunch.

September 1997 - Kirsty

[Lindsey Bullman at her finest.]

I was talking to that Paul (PLD14) on the internet again, you know, the one from our school. He reckons he’s 17 now and in 2nd Year of college. It’s getting really confusing!

Dad’s gone to another Bolton match tonight. I’m not sure who they’re playing though.