Light-headed and ‘far away’ – 10th March 2001

Saturday 10th
3 weeks + 5 days to go!

I’ve been really tired today cos I couldn’t get to sleep last night and then I had to get up quite early cos I was going to Cheshire Oaks with Sarah today and they picked me up early.

I didn’t really buy much though when we got there. I just got the Wheatus album, a pair or sunglasses from Tog24 and a McDonald’s for lunch. Sarah didn’t find very much either. It was better than staying at home and doing my Geography homework though!

I had to do a Swing Band concert this evening at the Methodist church in the next village. It went quite well but dragged on for ages. It wasn’t just Swing Band, there were extra soloists and stuff in between our tunes. They were good but I was bored. Emma couldn’t go either cos she was working so I was sat on my own.

I kept feeling really funny this evening. It wasn’t a good sort of funny either. It could’ve been just cos I was hot and tired but I felt really light-headed and ‘far away’. Then every so often, I kept feeling like I was sort of drifting (like off to sleep or something) and I kept sort of jumping and snapped out of it. It was weird and I didn’t like it.

I’ve been doing that drifting then jumping thing when I’ve been trying to sleep at night too, along with thinking daft things like I was half awake but dreaming. I don’t like it when that happens cos it’s really strange. I have to totally wake myself up to stop it. Other people say they do that too though.

Unfortunately it’s snowed in Canada. 😦 I’ve not spoken to Jake today or yesterday cos he was doing his avalanche course thing and hasn’t had time to phone me. I don’t think he’ll come back early. It says in his email that he’s still considering it but I reckon he’s just trying to break it to me gently. 😦


Today’s emails →

10-03-01 Jake email10-03-01 Tess email

The shortarse cow! – 7th to 9th January 2001

Sunday 7th It was Jake’s dad’s birthday yesterday so Jake and I went to the Trafford Centre so he could get him a present!

He also bought Ronan Keating’s album cos he likes him (so do I) so he could record it onto minidisc and I could have the CD ‘til he comes home.

We also bought some keyrings that fit together but rather than a soppy heart or something, we got 2 bears on phones. They’re really nice. I think they’re those “Me to You” bears with the blue noses.

Me to You bear

[All that hoarding has come in (slightly) handy again.]


Monday 8th It was Presentation Evening at school tonight when they give out the A-Level and GCSE certificates so Jake was there. I had to go too cos Swing Band were playing. It was sooo boring (as always!) but the guest speaker (Mr Guest!) was worse than the usual ones they get in. His speech was complete crap and Emma and I were just sat in hysterics all the way through. I noticed a lot of people in the audience snigger and stuff too, included my dad who was totally taking the piss!

Everyone went to The Coach afterwards for a well needed drink and everyone out of Jake’s year who knows he’s going on Thursday started saying goodbye to him. It was awful! We both had a bit of a cry about it afterwards.


Tuesday 9th I’ve got one day left with Jake now before he leaves to go to Canada. It’s sooooo upsetting and we cried lots and lots when we saw each other.

That bitch of a teacher, Miss P, said that some deputy head will probably want a word with me and Emma about laughing last night! Hah, I think I’d have died of boredom otherwise! I bet she’s told him our names, the shortarse cow! (I REALLY don’t like her!)

When I saw Jake after college, we cried lots more cos we really don’t want to be split up. He told me it hurts a lot and he’s right!

Henry Rockwell told me other stuff that Hayley’s said about me. She said nastily, “We’ll all be seeing a lot more of Tessa now Jake is going!” and she overheard someone say that Jake wouldn’t touch Hayley with a barge pole but apparently she thinks I’ve manipulated him into thinking that! Twisted cow!


Dressed as robbers with bras on their heads! – 25th July 2000

Tuesday 25th P. [Period.]

Before we set off for the swimming place called Mosaqua at Gulpen, some girl from another school had asked Gethin if Jake and I are going out. He asked how she’d guessed and she told him that it was cos he hadn’t reacted to anyone other than me!

I didn’t go swimming so I just sat by the café at the side of the pool with Jake and the others who weren’t swimming.

We had our last concert in Aachen in Germany today. It was pointless cos we had an audience of about 3 people cos it was rainy, one being this little old woman who was jigging about in her seat and making us all smile!


[Bet I was miming.]


Jake and I went to the Queen Vic for a while and then I went with him to his hotel so he could get his bags to dump at ours ready for the coach in the morning. We just sat in my room for a while and decided it’d been a really good few days cos we’d seen so much of each other and that we didn’t want to go home. He said he thinks we should just run away together!


[Jake helping us to pack.]

Later, we were joined by Gethin. He was pissed and said something about Jake being able to sleep in his room if he wanted (but we’d already decided he could sleep in my bed then it’s not such a rush in the morning) and Gethin was being a bit perverted so Jake told him that he wanted straight sex not gay sex! Well, he didn’t get either but I was glad to hear that!

Some of the girls whose last trip it is with the band, Rina H and Greta Allen, came into our room before, very pissed and dressed as robbers with bras on their heads! Strange!


I heard sniffling noises coming from Jake – 24th July 2000

Monday 24th We spent all day at De Efteling theme park which was a bit of a strange place really. We did 2 concerts there. I got totally soaked on one of the water rides so I was cold all day!


This evening, Jake and I decided to go to the Queen Vic with everyone else before we got accused of being antisocial or something! Mrs P mentioned Canada to Jake and it depressed me so I went all quiet. He noticed and thought I was sulking and said he’d get upset. We talked about it for a bit and how bad it’s gonna be, and a few minutes after we’d stopped, I heard sniffling noises coming from Jake and he had his head down and I noticed tears rolling down his nose.

I asked if he wanted to leave and he nodded so we walked down the street for a bit and hugged for a while. I apologised for upsetting him and gave him a ‘Smile’ tissue like this one →


which did make him smile and then hug me and then cry again! Only this time he said it was cos he’s so happy! He kept stressing the fact that he never cries so I was flattered in a way that he didn’t mind showing his emotions in front of me like that. We decided it was cos he’s tired.

I felt so guilty but he said it wasn’t my fault, he just can’t bear the thought of going away again. He said that’s how he was feeling on that night he tried to ring me really late when he was travelling.

We walked back to the hotel and went in my room again. We sat in the window for a while before moving to my bed and then 3 happened (again). We just lay on my bed and cuddled for ages after that until Maeve came in the room.

We moved and went and sat on the steps together. He told me that he loves me and that I’m beautiful (hah!) and that he loves my nose and smile and everything else about me and that he can’t believe this is all happening. He also kept telling me that he’s really happy 🙂 So am I! I really do love him!


It was dark so I got to snog Jake – 22nd July 2000

Saturday 22nd There’s a spare seat on our coach so Jake gets to stay with us all week!! J

We had quite a few trips, the first one being to the Municipal Grotto. They were just cave things with paintings and carvings and stuff but it was dark so I got to snog Jake without too many people noticing!


[I had the occasional break from snogging to take a few photos.]

Then we went on the toboggan run which was quite good but going on a chairlift doesn’t seem right without skis on!

I picked this →


up from the place cos I couldn’t be bothered getting my camera out. It was free, I think! Some people had a go on a death wire thing which came from the top of the tower on the postcard.


[Cat on the death wire thing. F that S.]

Jake and I didn’t bother so we could just stand and cuddle.

After that, we went bowling. That was alright except our lane kept not giving Jake his points and stuff. That was also the point what Cat told me she fancied the tour rep but then so does Gethin!

Jake came back to our hotel again this evening and I had a rather interesting conversation with him. We started talking again about how long we’ve liked each other and he said he’s liked me ages before the college bowling trip last year and has since I was in Year 11 but doesn’t quite know when or why. He said it might have been triggered by Emma who I’d been best mates with at the time.

The uni subject then came up. He said he doesn’t care about uni cos he doesn’t want to leave me.

Unfortunately, the hotel doors had to be locked so we had to say goodbye. We did try the fire escape so he could’ve left a bit later but there was a gate and a security camera so it didn’t work. He told me he loves me and then had to leave.

Ohhh, I want him so much! I can’t keep my hands off him!


P.S. First concert in open air theatre in Valkenburg. Went quite well. Shelly and Emma told me that Jake and I are a nice couple and not annoying like others!


I was pissed on tiredness – 21st July 2000

Friday 21st The coach journey was horrible! It was really uncomfortable so I only got one hour of sleep or so which made me feel really rough.

We stopped at a service station somewhere before Dover and I went in the shop and ended up buying some beanie toy cos it made me laugh when I saw it. It was like I was pissed on tiredness or something cos I couldn’t stop giggling! It’s a Jim Henson Bean Star or something and is a purply, ugly otter (apparently!) called Pop! It had a partner called Pip but that one wasn’t quite as funny! Everyone thought I was a bit weird for buying it but they then all decided it was quite cute. I sort of agree now!


[Pop then…]


[…and Pop now, thanks to those hoarding habits of mine.]

When we finally reached Valkenburg, I woke up a bit cos I was aware that I might see Jake and I did! My first sighting was him crossing a road wearing his pink shirt and shorts. I waved but he didn’t see me.

I saw him properly when I was at our hotel. I went to Gethin’s room and he was in there. I was so pleased to see him! We hugged but it didn’t really sink in that I was actually with him. I’m sooo happy that I’ve got him back!

He said he realised the coach was ours after we’d driven past and he saw Mr P-R on it. He’s staying in the Atlas Hotel which is about a 10 minute walk from my hotel.

This evening, our tour rep Andy took us round Valkenburg and Jake came too. Jake, Gethin, Charlie and I then went to some bar before going back to the hotel. We just sat and cuddled and couldn’t stop smiling! He mentioned me going and visiting him when he’s in Canada and he told me he loves me lots and lots and lots! The feeling’s returned!

I did get a few messages from Jake before I reached Dover while my phone still worked. I told him that someone was passing a sex position poster round the coach and he said, “STILL CAN’T WAIT! : ) P.S. I HOPE YOU’RE TAKING NOTES FROM THAT POSTER! : ) : ) : ) LOVE YOU! xJx”.


I told him that I was just shocked by it cos there were Year 7s on the coach and he said, “YEH RIGHT! BUT HEY I THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT MUSIC TRIPS WERE ALL ABOUT! – YOU KNOW ‘THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP’!! AND GIRLS WITH FLUTES N STUFF! : ) xJx”.

He’s been taking too much notice of that American Pie film!


A manky old tent with cranes sticking out of it – 11th July 2000

Tuesday 11th Cat’s alarm woke us up at 6:30 am so we could all have showers so I’ve been knackered all day! We had breakfast and then set off for the Millennium Dome for our concerts.

We went in through some back entrance and then we were allowed to look around before setting up for our first concert. I was with Cat most of the time and we agreed that the whole thing’s just plain weird! It’s just some of the sculptures and stuff that makes it so odd. It was the pointed foot on the body zone that kept us laughing though!

Millennium Dome foot

The first concert went really well. One of the sound guys put a microphone right by my flute which I didn’t like but all together it sounded good and we were being played on speakers all over the dome. Some guy who works there (he looked important) came and told us that they’ve seen a lot of bands play but we really stood out as being good and all the backstage staff had said we were nice to work with! Apparently they want us back! People were dancing to us and everything!

Millennium Dome Swing Band

We all got a free McDonald’s for lunch and then went to watch the show they put on. The story line that they put up on the screen about ‘Skyboy’ and the other characters was a bit strange but the music and the dance etc. was really good. We had our second successful concert after it.


My camera stopped working so I bought this postcard from the shop instead. →


The place actually looks nice on there but in daylight it looks horrible! It looks like a manky old tent with cranes sticking out of it!!

I also bought couple of keyrings so Jake can have the free one cos the woman in the shop undercharged me!

I had a few messages off Jake today. He was saying how when he next sees me, he’s going to hug me so much that nobody’ll be able to separate us! Then he told me that he’s in Florence but the youth hostel they were going to stay in is full so he told me, “WE’VE GOTTA GO TO BOLOGNA! IF THAT’S FULL WE’LL BE SPENDING ANOTHER NIGHT ON THE PLATFORM! FINISHED PLAYING NOW? LOTS OF LOVE!!! xxx J xxx”.


We went straight home from the dome (Ha! That rhymes!!) and it seemed to take ages. I got in at about 11:30 pm and I’m so tired!


An iron mark on the carpet and scally lads outside – 10th July 2000

Monday 10th This morning seemed to last for ages because the coach to take us Swing Band lot to London didn’t come until lunch so we had to do lessons. Hayley was still being a moody cow so I felt a bit sorry for Sarah when I had to leave her!

Keira Osborne, Emma Thornley, Christa East, Cat Elliot and I all claimed the back seat of the coach and had loads of room because we were by the emergency exit. The journey was really boring but I kept getting texts from Jake which helped ease the boredom every so often. Jake told me that he’s going to Florence tomorrow and should be in Prague on Friday. Then I did a quiz in someone’s Cosmopolitan magazine on my perfect holiday destination. Mine came out at Prague! How weird is that?!!

Cat sent Jake a quick message too saying she wished she was travelling around Europe and in his reply he told her that he’d happily swap with her cos he misses me! How sweet! 🙂

I sent him a message myself again later and told him not to chase any foreign girls or anything (I was only kidding) and he said, “HUH CHEEK – YOU KNOW I WOULDN’T EVER THINK ABOUT DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT! : ( I’VE TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT I’M SENTIMENTAL! WE SHOULD BE IN THE SAME HOSTEL WE STAYED IN AT RADSTADT WITH SCHOOL.”

When we reached London, the coach driver took us all through the centre which was absolute torture for me cos there were so many signs with the word ‘Canada’ on them! We then took a wrong turning past Canada Water Station so I was reminded again of the fact Jake’s going off to be a ski instructor for 3 months! Then we went past Starbucks where we both go! 😦



When we arrived at Rotherhithe Youth Hostel we were all given our room keys. I was sharing with the people I’d been sat with on the coach plus Maeve Ackerley. The room was 219 and wasn’t too bad at all. We had an iron mark on the carpet and scally lads outside the window but the beds were cool! There were 2 sets of 3 and they were sort of all piled up. I got the top bunk on mine!

Millennium Dome '00 Tess

The cool beds and our cool Swing Band attire.

We didn’t do much all evening. We were either in our rooms or at the bar. Henry Rockwell fancies Maeve quite a lot so he was in our room most of the time too!

I had some last night messages from Jake on the subject of Canada. He said he’d love me to go and see him while he’s there and I said I wish I could but I can’t really see it happening. Then he said, “I REALLY WANT YOU TO COME BUT IT’S A LONG TIME TIL I GO! IF THERE’S ANY WAY YOU COULD COME IN FEB HALF TERM THEN I’M TAKING YOU! YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO STAY IN MY ROOM ALL OF THE TIME… JUST SOME OF IT!”

That would be so good cos I can’t possibly last 3 months without him and not go mad or something but it’d be expensive and I’ve got college and stuff. I suppose we’ll have to see.


I was being extremely paranoid!! – 1st May 2000

Monday 1st It was Community Day in the next village today, held on the village green. Swing Band had to play. It was sooo embarrassing! We had to wear out yellow t-shirts and Jake, Gethin, Hayley and Floyd were watching!

Millennium Dome '00 Tess

My mum and dad were there too for a while so I was a bit worried whenever Jake wandered near them because they know Hayley and could’ve used it as an excuse to go over and check him out! I was being extremely paranoid!!

When we’d done Swing Band and got changed, we went for a walk round the new housing estate cos Hayley wanted to see if she could see that bloke again. We didn’t. Jake held my hand all the way round and whenever we let go, he tried to hold it again.

After our walk, we got hungry so we piled into Jake’s car and went to McDonald’s. While we were eating our McTriples with cheese, Hayley said something about wanting to go and see Andy in Lymm so Jake said he’d take us. He said he really didn’t mind. We dropped Floyd (and this lad called Robert who’d joined us) off in their village and went to Lymm. We drove past Andy’s house 4 times but we don’t think he was in.

When we’d done that, we had nothing to do so Jake took us to Knutsford to see Hugo’s house. It wasn’t as big as people had made it out to be but there’s a house that looks like a bloody castle a few doors down!

We just had to sit and watch Hugo’s DVD things. He was being alright but it’s so unfair cos he’s got so much cool stuff that we could never afford!

He put Lenny Kravitz’s American Woman video on and, as he did it, he said, “Jake likes this one, don’t you?!” very loudly. It was just full of women with not much on so, as you can imagine, I didn’t need to hear what Hugo had said! Meanwhile, Jake had gone the same colour as his shirt – pink!!


P.S. I got a couple of nice messages off Jake last night. I told him that I didn’t want to go back to college and that I’m in need of an all night party with him and preferably a bed (meaning that perfectly innocently, of course!). His reaction was, “MMMN! DON’T TEASE ME WITH THOUGHTS LIKE THAT BUT YES I’M IN NEED TOO! : ) I WANT TO GO BACK! I’M GONNA BE SO BORED WHEN I LEAVE – AND I WON’T SEE YOU EVERY DAY! : ( x”.

I pointed out that we’d coped (just about!) this holiday and he said, “I SUPPOSE! I’M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON REVISING IF I DON’T SEE YOU!! I’LL PROBABLY FAIL! I’VE NEVER THOUGHT SO MUCH ABOUT SOMETHING BEFORE! : ) xxxxx”.

I assume he means me, not failing his exams! I wonder what he does think about though. Maybe I’m better off not knowing!

The smell was lovely and so was the man – 24th-26th July 1999

Saturday 24th We went to Bruges. It is absolutely gorgeous there. All the buildings are really old and there are canals and horses and cobbled streets. We visited a chocolate factory. The smell was lovely and so was the man giving us the talk! [Here he is…]


We went on a boat trip round the canal on which most people fell asleep! We then got to walk round where we wanted so we did.


That evening, Charlie Wilson seemed determined to get with Emma but she was determined not to let him! She really didn’t trust herself so she kept telling me to keep him away. I managed to keep sitting between them and stuff which she appreciated but he didn’t!

I ended up feeling really sorry for him and I apologised and ended up in a deep and meaningful, heart to heart conversation about why she wasn’t interested and things like that. I didn’t mind telling him but other people began to get suspicious as to why he wanted to be alone with me outside in the dark or in another corner of the room!


Sunday 25th Travelled back to England. The journey to Calais seemed fast and I bought a big bottle of Bacardi at the cash and carry. It was cheap, okay?!!

The ferry crossing was really calm and hot which was good. On a stop at a service station, Emma and I were sat by the emergency exit and as Charlie was getting out, she complained he tickled her foot. Well, on his way back on he did the same to my ankle. I didn’t mention it!

When we finally arrived back, I said my goodbyes to everyone and they all said they’d keep in touch but I don’t expect it to be honest.


Monday 26th Hayley’s phoned me 3 times today. I filled her in on stuff and she told me what I’d missed which wasn’t much. She told me she’d collected glasses in the Sports Club and had spoken to Ste Rollinson and she now knows where he lives coz she saw him in the garden or summit. She also told me that Milla Green (lottery jackpot winner’s granddaughter) is moving back from Australia to Warrington.

I have a bit of a dilemma now. I told Hayley I’d go with her so she can show me where Ste lives tomorrow maybe but then Emma rang before (which I really didn’t expect) saying that Gethin had just phoned and was going round at 1:30pm tomorrow and she wants me to go. I was the 1st person she phoned which I was pleased about and she was phoning the rest later. I dunno what I’ll tell Hayley though coz she’s bound to ring here.

I’d rather go to Emma’s, you see, and Hayley’ll be deeply suspicious that I’m going to leave her out and be best mates with Emma again. I don’t want to do that to her so she has no reason to think it but she will. I’d lie but if she found out it’d make matters worse.

This could just be a one off and Emma’ll get sick of me again once Suzanna comes back off her hols and Emma’s parents get home from theirs but I don’t want to miss anything. I just feel so guilty about Hayley coz whatever I say, she’ll think the worst. She just won’t trust me.