Sad, pathetic, childish, twisted little cow – 6th July 2000

Thursday 6th I didn’t go to college again today cos I’m feeling rotten again. 😦 I think kickboxing finished me off last night, even though it was good!

I’ve had quite a lot of messages today (I’m writing smaller cos I’ve not got many pages left!) off Jake. I had a couple from last night too saying, “HELLO! HAVE YOU GONE/DID YOU GO K’BOXING? DID YOU SEND THE NAME OF THAT PLACE IN HOLLAND? WANNA KNOW IF MY MSGS ARE WORKING COS I’M IN ITALY NOW! LOVE xJx”.

I told him I wasn’t feeling too great and that I’d get the address of where we’re staying in Holland for him soon. He said, “OK! I’LL LET YOU RECOVER IN PEACE! ON OUR WAY TO PISA NOW – I’LL TRY NOT TO FALL OFF THE LEANING TOWER! NIGHT NIGHT!!! : ) LOADS OF LOVE!!! xxx JAKE xxx”.

I then sent him a msg this morning asking what he was up to. He told me, “I’M LOOKING ROUND THE LEANING TOWER – DON’T WORRY I WON’T BE FALLING OFF – YOU CAN’T GO UP NOW! IT IS TOO HOT! WISH YOU WERE HERE TOO! : ( LOVE YOU LOTS N LOTS!!! xJx”.

I then asked if Charlie had that address and I also told him I got woken up this morning by a magpie pecking at my window! He said, “I SPENT LAST NIGHT SLEEPING ON A TRAIN PLATFORM – I’M V. TIRED SO DON’T MENTION SLEEP! HE’S GOT IT BUT IT’S AT THE BOTTOM OF HIS BAG AND WON’T GIVE IT ME!! LOVE xJx”.

I asked if he really needed the address if Charlie already had it and that I hoped I felt better for Holland. He said, “IF HE’S LOST IT OR SOMETHING THEN I’LL LET YOU KNOW! HE RECKONS IT’S A HOTEL THOUGH?? YOU GOTTA GO – IF NOT, I’M COMING HOME TO SEE YOU! LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I asked if it mattered if it was a hotel and he said, “RIGHT WELL I’M STOPPING THERE WHETHER IT’S A CAMP SITE OR THE RITZ!…” and then, “THIS IS LIKE HAVING PART OF ME TAKEN AWAY FROM ME – MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY! : ( SOOO GLAD I’VE GOT THAT PHOTO!! I LOOK AT IT ALL THE TIME! LOVE YOU TO BITS!!! xJx”.

I said I hoped he wasn’t looking at the one Gethin gave him of me looking stoned in a Santa hat all the time and he told me, “NO – ALTHOUGH IT MAKES ME LAUGH, THE ONE YOU GAVE ME IS MUCH NICER! AND WE ARE TOGETHER ON IT! : ) WISH WE HAD GOT TOGETHER EARLIER THOUGH…” and then, “THEN I WOULD BE ON THE ‘STONED’ PHOTO! IF I WASN’T HAPPY ALREADY – I’D GIVE ALMOST ANYTHING TO BE SO! UURRRGHH! : ( NOT FAIR! xJx”.

Christmas '99 Tess stoned Santa

Later I told him that I’d just dreamt we were both in college and he said, “WISH THAT DREAM WAS TRUE! EVEN IF I HAD TO BE IN COLLEGE! IT’S NOT ME PHONING YOU! I’VE JUST FINISHED WASHING ALL MY CLOTHES – I’M WORN OUT NOW!…” (someone phoned the house and hung up when I answered) and then, “I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU!! THAT’S A GOOD THING IN THAT IT SHOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! : ) BUT THEN IT REALLY HURTS COS I CAN’T SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU A HUG! : (“.

This evening I’ve had a few more messages saying, “HELLO! WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? JUST BEEN FOR A MEAL – WE’RE WANDERING ROUND DOING NOTHING NOW! ACTUALLY THE ONLY WAY I CAN PARTLY TAKE YOU OFF MY MIND…” then, “IS BY STUFFING MY FACE FULL OF REALLY NICE FOOD! NOT THAT I WANT TO TAKE YOU OFF MY MIND COS YOU’RE A V. NICE THING TO HAVE ON YOUR MIND! LOTS OF LOVE!!! xJx”.

I told him I was lying on the sofa, wrapped up in my duvet, looking very pink (cos I’ve developed a temperature) and feeling very miserable cos he’s so far away! He replied, “AAAGGHH! ARE YOU NOT GETTING ANY BETTER THEN? : ( I JUST WISH I COULD CUDDLE UP TO YOU NOW! – JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND DREAM ABOUT IT! ARRAN SAID…” then, “HE AND ALI ARE GOING BACK TO CALAIS ON THE TRAIN AND THAT ED COULD GO WITH THEM WITH MY TICKET! : ) HE IS REALLY MISSING HIS GIRLFRIEND TOO! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I’m going to be disappointed if Jake can’t get the coach back with us now. Mind you, I usually end up looking really rough after travelling for a long time so maybe it’s not such a good idea!!

Hayley’s being a right bitch to Sarah. If I had more energy I’d explain and then slag the hell out of the lanky whore but I need sleep so I’ll do it another day if I decide it’s not a waste of ink and paper cos everyone knows what a sad, pathetic, childish, twisted little cow she can be!!

Bye!

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I was so relieved that he’s still alive! – 5th July 2000

Wednesday 5th 🙂 Okay, I’m a bit happier now that I was yesterday! The reason being that Jake sent me a message at 7:42 am explaining why he hasn’t been in touch. He told me, “HELLO! HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO TEXT U COS THERE R NO PLUG SOCKETS IN THE HOSTELS AND MY PHONE WAS DEAD! I’M PLUGGED IN IN A CAFÉ NOW! HOPE U GET WELL SOON!…” and then he said, “I’LL PHONE YOU TONIGHT! I’M TIRED – SLEPT ON A BEACH LAST NIGHT! AND I’M V. BURNT! LOVE YOU LOADS!!! xxx JAKE xxx”.

I was so relieved that he’s still alive! I then asked him if he got the message with Ed’s number on. He said, “YEH I GOT THAT MSG! – SORRY I’M LATE REPLYING – I HAVE TO KEEP TURNING MY PHONE OFF TO SAVE THE BATTERY! YEH – WE’RE SAT IN A CAFÉ ON THE GRAND PRIX CIRCUIT!…” then, “WE’VE JUST WALKED THE WHOLE CIRCUIT! ARE YOU STILL ILL? I’M SO BURNT! OW! LOVE xJx”.

The next message I sent was just asking if he’d got the messages Gethin sent him and he said, “YEH – TELL HIM I GOT EM BUT THE NETWORK I WAS ON WOULDN’T LET ME SENT ANY BACK! THESE DAYS SEEM SO LONG! – ONLY BEEN GONE 4 DAYS – SEEMS LIKE WEEKS! LOVE YOU! xxx”

The next message I got after I’d told him I was bored said, “I’M SAT WRITING YOUR FIRST OF MANY POSTCARDS! WHAT’S YOUR POSTCODE? WISH YOU WERE HERE NOW – IT’S SO NICE HERE AND I WANT TO SEE YOU!…”

Yeah, that’s right, just rub in the fact that you’re somewhere nice and I’m stuck here, why don’t you?!! Anyway, then he said, “KEEP SMELLING MY WATCH STRAP COS IT SMELLS SO NICE! : ) YOU’D BETTER GET WELL BEFORE VALKENBURG! ME n CHARLIE HAVE JUST FOUND IT ON A RAIL MAP! CAN’T WAIT! LOVE xJx”.

I then told him that I’d found out that Sarah’s mum wouldn’t have minded if we’d swapped beds on Friday and that Denny’s having an all night gathering and that Sarah’s very pissed off with Hayley for telling people stuff she’s read in Sarah’s diary. It spread over more than one message so Jake asked, “WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REST OF THAT MSG?? IF YOU WERE GONNA SAY WHAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE THEN WHY DIDN’T SHE SAY SO? CAN’T BELIEVE I HAD TO SLEEP WITH GETHIN! LOVE xJx”.

I sent him another telling him what it had said but he didn’t get that one either. I know cos he phoned at about 6:00 pm. He was telling me that they were going to go to a beach party but there’d been big bouncers with big dogs so they hadn’t bothered! They’re still being irritated by Charlie cos he’s not embarrassed to speak a foreign language to try and get them into a casino or onto a yacht! All he really told me was what they’ve been doing and how they’re going to Radstadt in Austria where we first went skiing.

Oh, I forgot to write down what Gethin told me Jake had been saying at Sarah’s on Friday. He said he wanted to end up married to me, that he only had eyes for me (that was linked to something about Canada) and that he covered his face with his hands (Gethin said he was close to tears!) and said he was going to miss me. There was other “lad stuff” but Gethin wouldn’t say what!

Bye!

Lying lost and injured (or worse!) – 4th July 2000

Tuesday 4th I didn’t go to college today cos Mum made me stay at home cos I’ve got a really, really sore throat. So, because I’ve been bored all day, I’ve had plenty of time to worry!

You see, I’ve not heard from Jake at all since yesterday lunch and I sent him 2 more messages today which he hasn’t replied to. There could be plenty of reasons why he’s not answered, the most likely reason being that he’s got no signal or his sim card’s blocked cos I know Gethin sent him a couple of messages last night and he’s only got one space on his phone cos the other 9 are taken up with ones from me that he doesn’t want to delete! Or maybe his phone’s just been in the bottom of his bag.

Then there are the more unlikely reasons that are constantly at the back of my mind. For example, he’s been mugged and his phone’s got nicked and he’s lying lost and injured (or worse!) in some place in the middle of nowhere or something else bad has happened to him, like if he fell of that hill he said he was on yesterday!

I’d just have thought if there was a problem with his mobile then he’d find a payphone or something to ring me from cos that’s what I did when I was skiing, just to let him know. Also, he told me on Sunday that he’d ring me in the next couple of days. To me, a couple means 2 and correct me if I’m wrong but Tuesday is a couple of days after Sunday!

I’ve been tempted to ring him to see if the Orange woman tells me his phone’s switched off or whatever but if he answered, I’d feel daft for worrying so much as well as I’d lose quite a bit of calling credit! Mind you, he couldn’t complain about me worrying cos I seem to remember Cat telling me that someone told her that the night I didn’t ring him while I was skiing, he was sat in Paris, clutching his phone saying, “Why isn’t she ringing? She always rings around this time!” and stuff!

Oh God! I can’t stand this!! I’m really missing him and miss getting nice messages off him all the time, and the fact that he’s not been in touch at all today is not helping matters!

I keep telling myself that I’m being stupid worrying like this but then I keep remembering TV programmes like 999 where the people on them have always said that, “It’s the sort of thing that you think only happens to other people but it could happen to you too” and stuff like that!

Usually writing stuff down in here makes me feel better but putting this lot on paper is having very much the opposite effect! 😦

Bye!

I can’t get any of it out of my head – 13th June 2000

Tuesday 13th First thing this morning, Bhakti came into our common room looking for Jake. He wasn’t in at that point so she came and spoke to me. She asked how he was and I had to say I didn’t know. She asked about the funeral and I had to say I didn’t know.

She seemed to think it was yesterday because he’d told her they were having it on Monday cos it’s his mum’s birthday. I told her that it’s probably next Monday cos that’s when her birthday is – on the 19th. That’s the only thing I could tell her, although if I hadn’t know when his mum’s birthday is, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her that either. She told me that people were asking for his address so they can send him cards and stuff. Also that his grades will go up by one too.

I get the feeling that people think I’m awful for not knowing anything about the situation and that I should but I don’t ask cos I don’t care. The truth is I do care but I don’t know anything because he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask because I’m scared of him resenting me for making him talk about something that he doesn’t want to talk about.

I think most people know what’s happened now. At 2nd lesson, just before Jake arrived, Freda told me she’d heard about his mum cos Miranda’s been invited to the funeral. This filled me with panic because if Miranda’s going and hasn’t even been going out with Robbie that long, what if Jake asks me??

I wouldn’t know what to do if he asked me to go. I’d feel awful saying no if he wanted me to be there but, if I went, I know I’d probably get upset by it and I’d also feel really uncomfortable because Jake’s kept me out of that part of his life really. I’d feel like I had no right to be there, as if I was intruding. Hopefully he won’t put me in that position. I’ve also got a Sports Studies mock exam on Monday but I could hardly use that as an excuse cos it seems so unimportant compared to someone’s funeral.

Sarah doesn’t think he’ll ask me because he’s kept me separate from it all so far but as soon as I told Hayley when the funeral is, she expected me to be going along without him even asking me. Abby says that if he asks me I “have to go” really. I’m so confused about what I should do.

I keep telling myself to forget about it for now and worry about it if he does ask me to go but then if he did and I hadn’t thought about it, I’d be stuck for words again. I’d planned the sort of thing I’d say to him when he told me she’d died but when it came to it though, my mind went totally blank. I just don’t know what to do.

He was being okay again when he came in. Bhakti found him and started talking to him about funerals and stuff so I left them to it because, again, I felt like it was a conversation that I shouldn’t have been listening to. I don’t know if that was the case though.

At the end of lunch, I asked if he was staying for the rest of the afternoon. He said no and that he wouldn’t see me until Friday. He didn’t say why and, yet again, I didn’t want to ask for fear of making him tell me something he didn’t want to.

In all my lessons after that, I felt like crying and if someone had raised their voice to me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to help it. I’ve kept crying a bit all evening at various times, mainly through the frustration of not being able to concentrate on revision because of all this and because I keep thinking about it all. I can’t get any of it out of my head.

At some point this week, I can see myself just crying uncontrollably because everything’s building up. I also remembered before that Jake’s going away in a few weeks for a month and I’m hardly getting to see him now. That’s really selfish, isn’t it? He’s got good reasons for not being around so much.

If I do snap, I really don’t want him to be around or anyone to tell him because I don’t think he realises this is all affecting me quite so much (although this is probably nothing compared to him and his family) and I don’t want him to have to worry about me as well or him to think I’m stupid for getting upset cos it’s not a member of my family that’s died recently.

I can’t get my head round all this. There’s no way I’m going to pass any of my exams so I don’t know how the heck Jake and Robbie are managing.

Bye!

I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!! – 12th June 2000

Monday 12th I spoke to Miranda again very briefly this morning. I asked if she’d spoken to Robbie and how he was. She told me she had and that he seemed okay. At that point, I should’ve walked off faster cos she said that Robbie had told her something about Jake and what he drops in the bath. Her friend then put her hand over Miranda’s mouth and told her not to say anything cos it’s disgusting and would put me off. I told her to tell me anyway cos I’d be wondering what she was going to say for ages otherwise. She made me promise not to say anything and then told me that Jake leaves hairs in the bath and also on his wooden bedroom floor with bits from his feet! Yuk!! I’ll remember that if I ever want to put myself off the lad!

I had a conversation with Philip Daly this morning too. He was just saying how Floyd’s having a party at the weekend and stuff. At least he doesn’t think I hate him anymore!

Jake only came after college today so I only got about an hour with him before he went round to Gethin’s for tea. He said if he’d gone home he’d only have had to make his brother’s tea as well as his own and his sister only eats about 3 different things which makes it difficult!

We did some quiz out of the newspaper on him and it turned out as saying he’s “somewhat feminine”!

The fact the Jake and Gethin have become such good mates is nice cos it’s better than him not getting on with my friends but it also worries me greatly! When I’m not there, I know they discuss things that they wouldn’t when I’m around! I’m a bit bothered that Gethin interfering might push Jake into taking things further with me cos it’ll shut Gethin up, rather than cos he wants to. I’m also worried that he’ll discuss stuff we’ve already done and assess it or something!

Okay, so I’m paranoid!! I can’t help it!!

Bye!

Trouser equipment models – 10th & 11th June 2000

Saturday 10th I got a message from Jake this morning saying he’d been to Manchester. I think I remember him saying he was going for stuff for his Europe train thing. I don’t want him to go there either, although I don’t want to stop him!

Hayley phoned before. I said something about Jake not wanting to stay at home last night and she asked if it was his mum was worse or something. I ended up telling her what’s happened cos she’s known she’s been ill and, again, I didn’t want to lie. I still feel like I shouldn’t have said anything though.

Bye!

Sunday 11th Mum took me, Cat and Lizzie to the Sheffield Hallam open day. We got a puncture on the M62 and had to wait about 30 mins for the AA. We were 9 miles from Huddersfield (nearest place) and the AA man was from there (he said it’s good for nights out!). Mum reckons it’s a sign I should go there! At this point in time, I hope I can!

We finally arrived at Sheffield. I didn’t like the actual place much but the Collegiate Crescent campus is really nice. I think, so far, it’s my second choice after Huddersfield (if I have a choice).

We met up with an old friend of Cat’s called Claire. She seems nice. We wandered round, went to the Physiotherapy lecture then came home. I’ve decided I’m not that bothered if I don’t get to do Physiotherapy anymore.

I cut this out of a newspaper magazine cos I thought it was a bit odd the way at which some of it links with each other. →

CYMERA_20180315_172240.jpg

Jake’s Libra, I’m Scorpio, by the way. It’s probably bollocks and they probably all link if you think about them enough but never mind!

Gethin was telling me on the phone today that on Friday before we went out, Jake had been reading an FHM magazine. Apparently he’s spent most of his time looking at an article on some woman that makes blokes’ trouser equipment models out of clay and also an article on how to improve your kissing!

It’s the kissing one that interested me most cos Gethin said it was stuff about kissing necks and ears, and something about top and bottom lips. I did actually notice that Jake’s been kissing my neck and ears more recently! I’d rather he didn’t but I wonder if it FHM thing is why!!

Gethin also keeps going on about how I should get a cowboy hat etc. cos it’d really make Jake happy and that he’d do anything for me if I wore the gear! Gethin’s beginning to annoy me now by keeping on saying it but I have to say, if I had money, I’d be tempted to spend it on that!!

Bye!

We just sat there and cuddled – 9th June 2000

Friday 9th Jake sent me 2 messages in a row last night when he got in from work. I’d sent one saying how I was psyching myself up for Miss P’s lesson tomorrow and he said, “HELLO!!! : ) PSYCHED UP?! JUST SPOKEN 2 HUGO – I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BUT THE FACT THAT…” then, “YOU LOVE ME AND YOU ARE THERE FOR ME IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! I KNOW I’D BE THE SAME! I WON’T SEEM THAT UPSET COS I BOTTLE IT UP! JUST GLAD IT’S OVER! LOVE YOU xJx”.

After that message, I couldn’t help it and I just burst into tears. I am glad he said all that though cos it made me less worried about seeing him today.

At 3rd period, I was on my way to Geography and Miranda came up to me and Sarah and asked if I was Tessa. I’m so glad she came and spoke to me because she started off just asking how Jake was and then said how she was really worried about seeing Robbie cos she doesn’t want to say anything in case it upsets him but then doesn’t want to not say anything in case he thinks she doesn’t care. She told me that it’s really upset her cos she wasn’t expecting it and it hadn’t quite sunk in.

I told her that I was worried about exactly the same things and that it’d upset me too. She asked how I’d found out and told me she’d found out when she’d phoned Robbie and it’d sounded like he’d been crying and he’d told her what’d happened. She’s also got the additional worry of Clara because she’s in her year and used to be quite good friends with her.

She told me to find her if I came up with any ideas of what to say. I said the same.

I think I’ll go and find Miranda on Monday if I can and see how things went if she’s seen/spoken to Robbie. Talking to her made me feel a bit better cos it let me know that my reactions weren’t stupid or anything.

Jake came into college at lunch. He didn’t mention anything so neither did I. Bhakti came in to talk to him (very loudly!) so I went to the garage and left them to it. I’d heard her say that all his mates were waiting to see him downstairs. That’s what I wouldn’t like – everyone wanting to see you and stuff.

He was being fine with me when I got back. We just sat there and cuddled. We didn’t talk much but then we don’t really need to anymore cos the silences aren’t awkward. We hugged and kissed after college when everyone else had gone. He had to go cos he was getting his hair cut but he was coming out tonight.

We went to The Dog again but Hayley didn’t come so it was just me, Jake, Gethin and Sarah. Emma was also there with Suzanna so they came and sat with us.

Jake didn’t get as drunk as last week so we talked quite a lot. I can’t remember what started it off but he said he wouldn’t want Gethin to draw the same conclusions as he did about that Tuesday night in the holidays! He grinned at me knowingly and I apologised for playing all innocent! I told him I didn’t have my Magic 8 Ball with me but he said it didn’t matter cos it’d told him what he wanted to hear least week! He then said things like he can’t ever imagine being without me and that he wants to be with me forever. I agreed! He told me he loved me on more than one occasion too.

As usual, the Canada subject came up. He kept saying he didn’t want to go anymore cos he can’t even cope with me for a few days! I told him that I didn’t want him to go and he said that I was making him feel guilty! I started saying how I can’t help but worry that he’ll forget about me or meet someone else cos he’ll be with a load of new people whereas I won’t. He said he’d probably be paranoid too if it was the other way round but that how could he forget me?! He stressed the point that he won’t do anything with anyone else either. Good!

Again, the university conversation started. He said that we won’t split up if I don’t go to Huddersfield even if it’s a long was away. I hope he’s right but, realistically, I can’t see it happening. Anyway, hopefully I’ll end up at Huddersfield with him!

We walked back to the next village, stopping off at the Chinese and then my house to get forks. Jake and I stopped quite a few times. We were longest down that path through the trees again. All we did was kiss and cuddle but it was nice. He was moaning that he couldn’t smell cos he’s got a cold cos he said I usually smell nice and that he wanted to be able to smell it!

We stopped outside school too. We could see Sarah and Gethin so we could tell if they were getting bored. When we were there, we decided that we’re a bit hopeless really cos neither of us wanted to leave the other one!

We eventually joined Sarah and Gethin, and Sarah rang a taxi. It was late so we sat on a bench outside school and waited. Jake told me to sit on his knee and when I refused he kept saying, “please” over and over again! His excuse was cos it’d keep him warm but I still though it a bit odd! I gave in in the end though.

He seemed okay all night. You’d never have guessed that something bad’s happened to him cos he seemed quite cheerful. I thought he was more relaxed too but it could’ve just been cos he’s tired or something.

I hope he really is alright, I just can’t always tell.

Bye!