I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it – 27th to 30th September 2000

Wednesday 27th Kickboxing was good tonight! I spent all day dreading it and then our instructor was in a really cheerful mood for some reason. 🙂

Bye!

Thursday 28th I saw Jake briefly after college but I couldn’t enjoy myself cos I was worrying about working tonight cos I had so much college work. It didn’t matter in the end though cos Mum rang in sick for me! 🙂

Bye!

Friday 29th – Saturday 30th Our trip to Derby finally came around and I turned out to be a bit disappointing for most of us in the end.

It took us ages to get there cos Jake decided to take the scenic route which made Cat and I a bit travel sick. When we finally reached Derby, we drove round in circles, completely lost for 40 minutes, trying to find the Travel Inn but we got there (eventually!) after many arguments over which direction to go in and how many times we’d passed Carpet World!

The rooms at the Travel Inn were quite nice. Jake and I shared one (with a double bed) and Cat and Sarah had the other.

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The whole point of the trip was so Sarah could see Maz so she was really chuffed when he came to meet us at the Travel Inn. We decided to go to McDonald’s and then go out to a club called Zanzibar (which Jake and Cat didn’t really like the sound of!) but whoever ordered the taxi only got one big enough for 4 people so we just let Sarah and Maz go and Jake drove us to McDonald’s. We ended up getting lost again but eventually found one on a road to Nottingham!

After we’d eaten, we decided against going to Zanzibar so planned to go back and drink at the Inn. Then, Maz and Sarah turned up and locked themselves in Sarah and Cat’s room so Cat got left with me and Jake when she really wanted to go to bed. She felt like a right gooseberry (even though Jake and I weren’t doing anything at all) cos she was stuck with 2 couples. It wouldn’t have been a problem if Emma hadn’t have dropped out on Thursday.

After about an hour, the 3 of us were having a good laugh over a girly magazine but we decided it was a bit out of order that Cat couldn’t go to bed or get her stuff cos of Sarah, who could’ve gone back to Maz’s flat instead.

So, rather than bang on the door to let Cat in, I rang Sarah’s mobile. She didn’t answer for ages but then picked it up and yelled, “What?!!” at me so I politely asked her how long she would be and she said she didn’t know and switched her phone off. I then went and banged on the door and told her that her mum had turned up and was waiting in reception.

After a few minutes, she began to believe me and answered the door in a towel. She was a bit pissed off to find I’d lied but when I explained about Cat and how it wasn’t exactly fair, she said bye to Maz and he went.

Once he’d gone, she started apologising and stuff so we forgave her. She then told us she’d had sex with Maz which was why she couldn’t stop smiling! We then felt a bit guilty for interrupting!

Finally, Jake and I were left alone so we got into our pyjamas and got in bed. We just cuddled up for ages and then started kissing. That led to him sort of half lying on top of me. After a few minutes, he said, “Do you want to do this? Yeh?” I realised he was referring to us doing what Sarah and Maz had just done cos I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it.

I’d half been expecting him to try something cos of some of the messages we’ve been exchanging recently. Up until then I had wanted to but in the back on my mind planned to stop things if I changed my mind.

The fact that he asked me filled me with panic cos I had to give him an answer and, once I’d given him an answer, it would have been harder to let him know if I’d changed my mind. So, I just didn’t say anything and carried on kissing him. He then said, “Do you want to?” and I paused for a while and then found myself sort of shrugging but shaking my head at the same time. He then said, “No? You don’t have to, you know” in a really understanding way so I assumed he was alright with that.

I must have dozed off at one point cos when I woke up, Jake was lying on the sofa bed. I asked him why he’d moved and he told me that he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake me up. I told him that I’d woken up a bit so he came back to bed but was being dead quiet and kept sighing.

I asked him if he was okay and I muttered something about the night being a bit of a waste of time (cos by that time I was regretting refusing cos I couldn’t see us getting another chance to be alone all night) and he asked me what was wrong and why I wouldn’t do it and if it was him that was the problem. I said it wasn’t him at all and that I really didn’t know why.

We slept for a bit but, before my alarm clock went off at 8:00am, 3 happened and after that he seemed to cheer up a bit and kept telling me he loves me and stuff! 🙂

The journey back home went pretty quickly, although Cat had to ring The Green Dragon cos she was going to be late and they told her they needed her in today cos they’d “already been let down by Tessa this morning”. Ooh, I hate them!! (My mum phoned to tell them I was still ill today!)

I went back to Jake’s for a while but we both fell asleep on the sofa.

When I got back to my house and he‘d gone home, I texted him apologising for last night cos I felt really guilty in the end. He replied saying, “DIDN’T THINK I’D GET A MSG THAT QUICK! ONE THING THAT I DON’T WANT IS PRESSURE ON EITHER OF US! YEH I WANT US TO TAKE IT FURTHER BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO RUIN WHAT WE’VE ALREADY GOT! I WAS SO NERVOUS ANYWAY! THOUGHT MAKING A TRIP TO BOOTS WAS BAD ENOUGH! I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY IN ANY WAY! J x”.

I was so glad to hear he was nervous! But the fact he had to go through the trauma of going into Boots made me feel even more guilty! At least I know he was prepared anyway cos I had been wondering whether he’d come equipt!

I sent him a reply telling him that part of the reason I said no was cos in the back of my mind I thought he might think I just did it cos Sarah had with Maz (that was part of it really). I also asked if he was feeling pressured by anything and he said, “AAH! I DIDN’T THINK THAT AT ALL! I DON’T FEEL PRESSURISED BUT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH ALREADY… SO DON’T WORRY! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him I wasn’t worrying, I was just more annoyed with myself and he said, “I’M SORRY – I MEANT DON’T FEEL AWFUL! YEH IT WAS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY BUT AS YOU SAID – IT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT! THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP US GOING ON ANOTHER OPEN DAY OR FIND A LOCAL TRAVEL INN! PLEEAASE DON’T FEEL AWFUL! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I told him I didn’t really want to plan it (cos then I really would feel forced to do it) and asked if he was annoyed with me at all. He said, “THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU! I’M NOT GONNA BE ANNOYED WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T WANT TO! YOU SAID IN A MESSAGE THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO B4! IF YOU STILL WEREN’T SURE THEN I WOULDN’T BE PLEASED! I DON’T WANT TO PLAN IT EITHER – THERE’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND YOU MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT! x”.

I asked him why he wouldn’t be pleased and pointed out that I didn’t really have a reason for saying no last night and he replied, “I DON’T MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT READY – I CAN ACCEPT THAT! I MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT SURE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH ME! YOU HAD A REASON LAST NIGHT – I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SARAH AND MAZ! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID! : ) I’LL BE HONEST AND SAY I WAS EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESPONSE BUT WHEN YOU’RE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT IT’S DIFFERENT… ISN’T IT? xJx”.

I then said something about him possibly getting sick of me but he said, “HAH – HINDSIGHT’S A GREAT THING! I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF YOU! WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER – YOU’RE SO GOOD FOR ME! I WOULDN’T REALLY HAVE WANTED TO DO IT BEFORE EITHER SO I HAVEN’T REALLY BEEN PATIENT! I LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I can’t remember what was said after that but later, Jake said, “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! NOT BECAUSE WE ARE 2 YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A FRI DOWN A DARK LANE! : ) xJx”.

Ooh, I hate it when people call it “making love” or whatever! It makes me cringe cos I associate it with sleazy, American, perfect looking people! I don’t know why! [I can confirm that, 18 years later, it still made me thoroughly cringe and make vomit-y noises as I typed that.]

Bye!

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HELP!!!!!!! – 26th September 2000

Tuesday 26th I can’t cope!! I’m getting so stressed about everything now! I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown! There are just so many things for me to worry about at the moment.

Firstly, there’s my Geography project which my teacher has decided he wants in 2 weeks. There’s no way I’m going to get it all finished for then. Now my Sports Studies teachers want us to start on our projects for them. This is on top of all the other homework I’m getting for all 3 subjects.

The other major thing is our UCAS application forms have got to be done before the October half term and I’m not even sure which courses I want to do or where I want to apply to. Plus I haven’t got a clue how to write my dreaded personal statement.

Linked with the whole uni thing is Jake. He got all depressed today cos he’s read some article in a uni magazine about some girl who had a boyfriend and ended up having to split up with him cos she was missing out on uni stuff. Also, he read some advice that said you’re better off splitting up before you go off to uni.

This made him worry that we aren’t going to last and now I’m going to feel awful if I don’t go to Huddersfield with him because of some messages he sent me.

He said, “NO!!! NEVER WANT TO SPLIT UP! THERE’S NO WAY THAT COULD MAKE THINGS BETTER! I JUST COULDN’T STAND TO WATCH US MOVE APART WITH US NOT SEEING MUCH OF EACH OTHER.”

And then he said, “IF YOU WENT TO HUDDERSFIELD I’D BE SOOO HAPPY! : ) AND I’D DEFINITELY GO! JUST DON’T WANT YOU TO CHOOSE THE WRONG COURSE BY GOING THERE! I COULD NEVER SPLIT UP WITH YOU! xJx”.

Then later, “YEH I AM GOING TO HUDDERSFIELD BUT IF YOU WENT SOMEWHERE ELSE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU AND I’D PROBABLY FAIL AND DROP OUT! I NEED YOU!!! xJx”.

I sarcastically replied saying something about “no pressure then” and he said, “I’M SORRY ABOUT THE PRESSURE! BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT SOOO MUCH IF YOU DID GO THERE! I WOULDN’T WORK IN ASDA IF I DROPPED OUT, ALTHOUGH IT’S BETTER THAN KWIK SAVE! : ) LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH! x”.

After that, I’m stressing even more cos I really want to get into Huddersfield now.

All that came out cos when I saw him today, he was hugging me loads more than usual so I asked him why and he told me about that article.

The other thing I’m bothered about is work. I still hate it! Every time I think about going, it fills me with dread! I’d quit but I associate that with people like Zoe and Roxy who are total drop-outs.

Then there’s kickboxing. I’ve got a grading next week and I’ve not been able to get there for the last 2 weeks. My instructor’s going to kill me!

HELP!!!!!!!

Bye!

Jake locked himself in the bathroom with the phone! – 14th August 2000

Monday 14th Gethin and I went round to Jake’s today and it turned out to be a horrible day cos Jake and I fell out.

It started when we all went for a walk and then Jake mentioned that he’s going to the Trafford Centre with Hugo tomorrow night. I was a bit pissed off about that cos he’s going to be with Hugo for 2 whole weeks on that cruise plus he’d told me he didn’t really want to see Hugo cos he’d rather spend time with me so he was going to cancel it last week. He did say I could go but I got the impression he only asked to keep the peace rather than cos he actually wanted me to go. Because I was so pissed off, I went all stubborn and said I didn’t really want to go.

Fine, until he asked Gethin. I think it was to try and get at me and it worked! After that, I went all quiet and Jake noticed but I denied sulking! But when we got back to his house he wandered off and left Gethin and me in the living room watching MTV and stuff. (I noticed some really nice family photos while I was in there.)

Then the phone rang. It was Hugo so it worried me greatly when Jake locked himself in the bathroom with the phone!

When Robbie and Clara and her Swedish friend Sandra came home, Gethin decided to cook so I decided to leave and go for a McDonald’s! Gethin had noticed the tension and persuaded Jake to go with me. It was really awkward at first but we both ended up apologising for being moody.

Then when I got home we started texting each other. I sent the 1st one, just apologising and he said, “I’M SORRY TOO! I UNDERSTAND GIRLS HAVE THEIR MOODS! JUST I DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WERE IN A MOOD WITH ME! WHAT MAKES IT WORSE IS THAT GETHIN IS ALWAYS HAPPY AND TRIES TO CHEER US UP! IT WAS HORRIBLE COS I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY COS I DIDN’T KNOW HOW YOU WOULD REACT! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH AND DON’T WANT TO LEAVE YOU FOR 2 WEEKS – ESPECIALLY IF WE’V E FALLEN OUT – IT WOULD RUIN MY HOLIDAY COS I WOULD FEEL SO GUILTY (NOT THAT I WON’T ANYWAY)! I WANT TO TRY AND ENJOY THESE LAST FEW DAYS! X”.

Everything was fine until I got the next message saying, “WELL ACTUALLY – YOU HAVE BEEN HITTING ME QUITE A LOT RECENTLY – I THOUGH IT WAS BY ACCIDENT! : ) LOOK – YOU’RE NOT BAD AT ALL! AND I LOVE YOU TO BITS – YOU KNOW THAT! EVERYONE’S ALLOWED TO HAVE THEIR MOODS – SO WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THEM AT THE SAME TIME! ALTHOUGH IT DOES REALLY UPSET ME WHEN YOU’RE LIKE THAT! : ( THAT’S WHY I LEFT THE ROOM! : ( YOU’VE GOT TO BE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO CAN BE SOOO HAPPY AND SMILEY ONE MINUTE AND THEN SO MOODY THE NEXT! DON’T TAKE THAT AS AN INSULT. I’M ONLY SAYING WHAT I THINK! I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, NO MATTER WHAT!… BUT I DO LIKE ‘HAPPY TESSA’ MUCH MORE! LOTS OF LOVE!!! xJx”.

The problem was that I did take that as an insult and I told him that. I explained that I’d gone all moody cos he’d walked off and he said, “I’M SORRY FOR DOING THAT! BUT WHEN YOU WON’T HOLD MY HAND OR TOUCH ME… THAT REALLY RIPS YOU UP INSIDE!”

Then I got, “LOOK – I’M SOOO SORRY I SAID THOSE THINGS – PEOPLE TELL ME I SPEAK MY MIND AND IT USUALLY MAKES MATTERS WORSE! I WANT TO SEE YOU TMW COS OTHERWISE I’LL REALLY REGRET IT! DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT THE ONLY REASON IT UPSETS ME SO MUCH IS COS I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH! YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN MAKE ME CRY! xJx”. I felt really guilty then!

The next message he sent said, “I WOULDN’T SAY THIS WORRIES ME COS WE ALWAYS MAKE UP THE NEXT DAY – USUALLY! I’VE STOPPED CRYING NOW! I FEEL GUILTY TOO. I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO ME COS I DON’T SHOW MY EMOTIONS USUALLY! MY BRO UPSET ME ONCE COS I DIDN’T CRY WHEN MY MUM DIED – OR AT THE FUNERAL – HE SAID I DIDN’T CARE – BUT I DID… AND I STILL DO. MAYBE THAT’S WHY I GET UPSET OVER THINGS LIKE THIS – LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO ARGUE AND FALL OUT! I LOVE YOU! xxx”.

That nearly had me in tears when he sent that. I’m just glad we sorted it out though cos, he’s right, life’s too short!

Gethin and I had interviews with a bloke called Mark at The Green Dragon this morning. He said he’d ring and let me know about a job.

Bye!

I’m beginning to think that boy’s blind! – 17th July 2000

Monday 17th I had a minor text argument with Jake last night! It started off when I mentioned that Abby had Connor round again yesterday evening and that it wasn’t fair, meaning that they’re always together and we haven’t seen each other for ages. To that, Jake said, “I KNOW THIS IS TORTURE BUT IT WILL BE SOOO NICE WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER AGAIN! YEH THEY DO SEEM TO SEE A LOT OF EACH OTHER – BUT SHE HAS FINISHED SCHOOL AND…” and then, “I WOULDN’T FEEL RIGHT SPENDING WHOLE DAYS N NIGHTS AT YOUR HOUSE – IT’S NOT REALLY FAIR! LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I agreed and said I’d much rather get of the house anyway and Jake then came out with, “WE ARE MUCH DIFFERENT TO YOUR SIS N CONNOR ANYWAY – FOR A START WE ARE MUCH QUIETER (WELL I AM ANYWAY) AND I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THEM OR COMPARED TO THEM!…” and then, “WE ARE WHO WE ARE AND I’M HAPPY ABOUT THAT – I LOVE YOU, NOT YOUR SIS! CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU EITHER! IT WILL BE SOOO GOOD AND WELL WORTH THE WAIT! REALLY LOVE YOU! x”.

That message was the one that began to annoy me cos some of the stuff he said was unprovoked so I asked why he’d said that about loving me and not my sis and I told him I hadn’t compared anyone! I also asked what brought it on and he said, “JUST THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT THEM! I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE HIM BEING THERE ALL THE TIME! MEANT THAT WE ARE WELL SUITED!! MAYBE THEY ARE TOO!??” LOVE xJx”.

That message irritated me further so I asked why he was so bothered. He said, “YOU’RE ALWAYS MOANING THAT HE’S ALWAYS AT YOUR HOUSE OR WITH YOUR SIS – IT DOESN’T MATTER! I JUST DON’T LIKE BEING COMPARED – NOT THAT I WAS! I LIKE TO BE…” and, “DIFFERENT THAT’S ALL! IF YOU UNDERSTOOD ME IT WOULD BE BORING WOULDN’T IT!?! I KNOW I COME OUT WITH FUNNY STUFF BUT I WOULDN’T BE ME IF I DIDN’T! : ) LOVE xJx”.

Those messages just made him sound full of himself! I began to get upset after that cos I hadn’t compared him to anyone so I didn’t really understand what I’d said to annoy him. Plus I was angry too and it was late so I was tired. I couldn’t leave it though cos I don’t like going to sleep with an argument going on so I sent him another telling him I didn’t even know what I’d said. He told me, “I CAN’T REMEMBER EITHER – JUST FORGET I SAID IT! : ) JUST YOU SOUND JEALOUS SOMETIMES COS THEY’RE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME AND WE’RE NOT! IN A WAY THAT MEANS WE…” and then, “HAVE A STRONGER RELATIONSHIP – IF WE CAN STILL LOVE EACH OTHER THIS MUCH EVEN WHEN WE’RE HUNDREDS OF MILES APART FOR SO LONG! REALLY HAPPY THAT’S ALL! : ) LOVE xJx”.

I told him that I’m not exactly happy right now and said that maybe I was a bit jealous, especially when Connor and Abby parade around in front of me. Jake said, “AAH! I’M SORRY! : ( YOU’LL BE HAPPY SOON – JUST WISH IT WAS SEPTEMBER – THEN I WOULDN’T BE GOING ANYWHERE! LOVE xJx”.

I felt like sending him another asking what made him think I’d be so happy! Instead I just left it and went to sleep cos I’d got the apology I wanted!

This morning I sent Jake a message when I found out that one of the teachers isn’t going to Valkenburg to tell him there might be a spare seat on the coach. He replied said, “OH GOOD! : ) (NOT THAT SHE’S IN HOSPITAL THOUGH!) I’M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID LAST NIGHT! I’M JUST VERY UPTIGHT AND CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU! LOTS OF LOVE xJx”.

I didn’t send one back all day, partly because I felt like worrying him for upsetting me but also cos I wanted to see if he’d send me a message without me sending one first.

Finally, at 3:54, he said, “HI! ARE YOU UPSET WITH ME? : ( WE’VE JUST ARRIVED IN RADSTADT! HAVING A DRINK AT THE SONNEGG BAR! ARE YOU ALRIGHT? SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT – I HAVEN’T STOPPED…” and then, “THINKING ABOUT YOU ALL DAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?? LOVE YOU! xxx JAKE xxx”.

After that, I was satisfied he was sorry so I replied. I told him he had upset me a bit but that I was okay now and told him we’ve got a new car (it’s a green Ford Mondeo). He said, “I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID WHAT I SAID AND I’M REALLY SORRY! WHAT CAR HAVE YOU GOT THEN? IT’S SOOO WEIRD BEING HERE – OHH THE MEMORIES! CAN’T STAY AT THE HOSTEL : ( LOVE xJx”.

I asked what it was that I said that annoyed him and he told me, “IT WAS WHEN YOU SAID THAT IT WASN’T FAIR THAT THEY SEE EACH OTHER SO MUCH! THOUGHT YOU WERE SAYING IT WAS MY FAULT! JUST PUT IT BEHIND US AND LOOK FORWARD TO…” and then, “NEXT WEEK! I WAS JUST HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY AND WAS IN A BAD MOOD, THAT’S ALL – WASN’T YOUR FAULT! : ) LOVE xJx”. I told him I never said it was his fault and then we just decided not to mention it again.

Jake phoned me tonight. He told me about Radstadt and where he’s going next and everything. I had nothing to tell him at all! I then mentioned me being ill and he started asking why I’d been on antibiotics for a long time before I didn’t want to tell him it was for my skin so I said something about a throat infection.

Then he said something about me being ill 3 times in 5 months or something. I think it annoyed me cos he keeps bringing it up and sounding as if he think I’m really weak and sickly or something. So, I started saying, “Haven’t you got to phone Gethin or something?” and he started groaning, saying he’d rather speak to me and stuff.

It wasn’t until I got off the phone that I started thinking. I think I kept getting annoyed with him more than I normally would cos, deep down, I’m blaming him for making me even more miserable by going away. The fact that I’ve had a really crap time since he went away and he’s having a good one adds to the jealousy factor and all. It shouldn’t be like that! I was happy before and I’m just not now. I’m so worried that it won’t go back to how it was again. I can’t even remember all that well what it was like to be with him. This cannot be good!

I’ve just sent Jake another message saying how I really do hope we get back to normal and being happy cos I’ve had a horrible few weeks. He said, “I REALLY MISS OUR FRIDAY NIGHTS TOGETHER! : ( WANT TO GET BACK TO NORMAL! IF MISS M’S NOT GOING THERE’S NO REASON WHY I CAN’T SEE YOU!? YOU SAID YOU’D HAVE TO BE V UNLUCKY!…” and then, “THIS WILL ALL BE OVER SOON! JUST WANNA GET BACK TO WALKING BACK FROM THE DOG ETC… MISS YOU, MISS THE CUDDLES, MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! I CAN’T IMAGINE…” and then, “BEING WITH OR LOVING ANYONE ELSE AS MUCH AS YOU! x”.

Okay, that’s all it took to cheer me up! I hope that was from him alone and he wasn’t surrounded by his mates giggling at him! It was very soppy but so what?! It was lovely to read and I need to read something like that!

Just as I thought that was the last of the messages, I got another 2 saying, “YOU’RE MY PROPER FIRST GIRLFRIEND AND THE FIRST PERSON I’VE EVER LOVED! WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER! YOU’RE A SPECIAL PERSON AND YOU’RE SO IMPORTANT TO ME!…” and then, “I HAVEN’T GOT MUCH ELSE TO LIVE FOR! JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER! CAN’T EXPRESS THAT ENOUGH! YOU KNOW THAT DON’T YOU?! YOU’RE THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE! xJx”.

I sent one back reassuring him that I feel the same and he said, “YEH I THINK I KNOW HOW MUCH I MEAN TO YOU – BUT ONLY YOU CAN KNOW THAT! CAN’T PUT HOW I FEEL INTO WORDS EITHER! YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME – YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE YOU x”. [I suspect he’d had a few bevvies that evening!]

Erm… no I’m not!! I’m beginning to think that boy’s blind! Maybe he’s forgotten what I look like or something!

Next I got, “YOU MAKE ME SOOO HAPPY TOO! DON’T EVER WANT TO FALL OUT WITH YOU! NEARLY JUST GOT LOCKED IN THE BAR SONNEGG CLUB – AND LEFT MY PHONE! : ( LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

That ended up being the last one, I think.

Bye!

I accidentally sent it to Jake – 9th July 2000

Sunday 9th I had a message on my phone from Jake when I looked at it this morning. He’d sent it at 3:48 this morning and it said, “REALLY SORRY – FELL ASLEEP AS SOON AS I GOT IN! DOESN’T SOUND LIKE TOO GOOD A NIGHT! IT’S NICE PEOPLE NOTICED! : ) HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU READ THIS! LOVE YOU!” I forgot, I’d also told him last night that people had noticed he wasn’t at Denny’s. Actually, it was only one person but that wouldn’t have sounded too good!

I sent him a message a bit later on asking what he was up to today. He told me, “WELL NOT A LOT REALLY – BEING REALLY LAZY AND ITALIANS EAT A LOT! GOING ROUND ROME LATER THEN WE’RE GOING TO THIS GAY/LESBIAN PARTY TONIGHT!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? xJx”.

I said I was doing my Biology homework and then told him that he’d just reminded me that MiniFloyd had been asking after him on Friday and I also asked if Gethin had texted him yet. He said, “YEH HE DID TEXT ME – ONLY PROBLEM BEING I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP AND YOUR MSG WHICH I ONLY READ AT 4:30 BLOCKED MY SIM CARD! I WAS CHATTING TO HIM BEFORE ANYWAY!…” and next, “WHY WAS MINIFLOYD AT DENNY’S??? I’VE KIND OF PERSUADED THE OTHER 2 TO STAY IN AMSTERDAM INSTEAD OF CARRYING ON – SO WE COULD ALL GO TO VALKENBURG FOR A DAY/NIGHT! LOVE xJx”.

I told him not to force Ali and Arran to stay cos there’s not really much point in even Jake coming to Valkenburg because I’ll be doing concerts all the time. I told him I didn’t mind if he didn’t really want to go. He said, “NO – WE’RE GETTING TO AMSTERDAM THE DAY BEFORE YOU ARRIVE – CHARLIE’S GONNA LEAVE US THE NEXT MORNING! THEY SAID THEY DON’T MIND BUT I AGREE THERE’S NOT MUCH POINT!…” and then, “BUT I WANT TO SEE YOU AT SOME POINT – ESPECIALLY IF I CAN’T GET THE COACH HOME! CHARLIE SAYS YOU DON’T GET ANY DAYS OFF! IS THAT RIGHT?? NEED TO SEE YOU! LOTS OF LOVE!”

I told him I don’t know what we’re doing but that I feel like it’s a bit unfair that he’s the one that’s got to do the extra travelling and stuff. I got 3 messages in reply saying “WELL WE’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE THEN IF THERE IS A SEAT ON THE COACH! IF NOT AND I CAN’T SEE YOU THEN I’M GONNA GO HOME ANYWAY COS I WAS ONLY GONNA STAY…” and then, “TO SEE YOU! NO WAY I’M SPENDING A WHOLE WEEK IN AMSTERDAM! I DON’T MIND COMING DOWN TO SEE YOU IF YOU HAVE TIME – I’LL HAVE TRAVELLED ALL ROUND EUROPE – 3 HOURS…” and lastly, “WON’T BE ANY TROUBLE! I’VE DECIDED – I DON’T LIKE HOLIDAYS ANYMORE! : ( LOVE YOU!… MISS YOU… WANT YOU NOW! xxx Jake xxx”.

Later on I was sending a message to Gethin telling him how we might not see Jake in Holland and that I’m not pleased but I accidentally sent it to Jake instead and he sent me one back letting me know! I apologised and asked if he’d got any others meant for other people and told him that I couldn’t really explain it all fully in texts anyway.

He said, “OK YOU’RE FORGIVEN! : ) LUCKILY FOR YOU I ONLY GOT ONE – I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WROTE IN THE OTHER ONE! SPOSE NOT BUT YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO PUT IT LIKE THAT!…” and then, “I’M NOT PLEASED EITHER!!! LOTS OF LOVE xJx”.

I asked what he thought I’d put it like and he said, “NO – JUST THE WAY YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T PLEASED WITH ME! : ( I’M DOING MY BEST – I HAD MY HEART SET ON SEEING YOU IN HOLLAND! : ( AND HOPEFULLY I WILL…” and then, “OTHERWISE I HAVE NOTHING TO AIM FOR – NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO!! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I explained that I didn’t say I wasn’t pleased with him, just that I wasn’t pleased but I didn’t get another message in reply to that. So, tonight I sent him another message asking what he’s up to and if he’s still annoyed with me but he said, “OF COURSE I’M NOT ANNOYED – I NEVER WAS! : ) I’M SAT IN A PIZZERIA WAITING FOR THE BILL! GOING TO SOME BARS LATER THOUGH! HOW LONG ARE YOU IN LONDON FOR? LOTS OF LOVE!”

I told him it was only overnight but Abby and Connor (my sister and her boyfriend) had still been arranging when they were going to phone each other. I also pointed out that she’s not told him about our Holland trip and that’s a whole week! Jake said, “OK! AHH HOW SWEET! AT LEAST YOUR MUM WILL GET A WEEK WITHOUT HIM STAYING OVER! YOU KNOW HOW YOU BROUGHT ME BACK THE SHELL, PINE CONE AND STICK FROM YOUR BIOLOGY FIELDTRIP? WELL I’VE GOT…” and then, “A GOOD LITTLE COLLECTION GOING SO FAR! YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT TO SEE IT THOUGH! LOVE xJx”.

I asked if his mates think he’s mad (cos mine did!) and told him I’d bring him back a bit of the Millennium Dome or something. He replied, “AAH THANKS! YEH FOR 1 PARTICULAR ITEM THEY THOUGHT I’D GONE MAD – BUT I DON’T CARE! IT KEEPS ME OCCUPIED AND THINKING OF YOU! : ) NOT THAT I NEEDS TO TRY! LOVE xJx”.

I told him that I was slightly worried about receiving whatever he’s found me and that it’s so long until I find out. He said, “OH YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY! I WISH IT WASN’T SO LONG TOO! THIS IS REALLY DRAGGING ON! GOT SOME INTERESTING STUFF THOUGH! STILL NOT SPOKEN TO HAYLEY?? LOVE xJx”.

I told him that I haven’t had chance to speak to Hayley (not that I really want to though!) and said that my shell etc. are probably going to seem really pathetic compared to whatever he’s found me. Jake said, “NO – I REALLY LIKED WHAT YOU GOT ME! I’ll TREASURE THEM FOREVER! I AGREE – EUROPE’S A BIT MORE INTERESTING THAT AINSDALE! LOVE YOU TOO MUCH! xJx”.

Oh! I’m missing him soooo much!!

Bye!

Gethin thinks he’s fit! – 8th July 2000

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[Diary number 19 – only £1.09!]

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Saturday 8th I got woken up this morning by my mum handing me some post which had come for me. One was just a thing from the bank but the other was a postcard from my boyfriend, Jake Taylor (a.k.a. J when I can’t be bothered writing Jake!).

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He’s gone with 3 of his friends for a month long trip around Europe because he’s finished his A Levels now and has loads of time. So far, they’ve been to Barcelona, Nice, Monte Carlo, Pisa and Rome. The last place they’re going is Amsterdam but Jake said he’ll meet me in Valkenburg because that’s where I’m going with Swing Band this year. One of the lads he’s with, Charlie Wilson, has got to be there anyway because he’s one of our drummers.

It was nice to get a postcard (even though I’ve been getting text messages from him because he’s got a posh phone that works abroad) because it’s something I can keep. He’s got really nice writing, although it reminds me of my dad’s!

I’m getting really jealous of Jake now because he keeps telling me all the nice places he’s been to and what he’s been doing while I’m stuck here with tonsillitis and college to go to! Plus I’m missing him loads.

I texted Jake this morning to let him know I got the postcard and I told him that I wished I wasn’t stuck here! He replied saying, “I MAY BE HAVING A GOOD TIME (ACTUALLY I’D CALL IT INTERESTING) BUT I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH TOO! DON’T THINK THAT I’M HAVING LOADS OF FUN – I’M NOT! ALL I WANT IS YOU! xJx”.

I then told him not to bother about me because he’s on holiday and he made it sound like I was stopping him enjoying himself! I reassured him that where he is has to be better than here too! He said, “YEH BUT MISSING YOU BOTHERS ME A LOT! SO MUCH THAT I CAN’T BE BOTHERED ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE! I AGREE IT’S BETTER THAN BEING WHERE YOU R – BUT I WANT TO BE WHERE U R! x”.

I then told him to at least try not to let it bother him and I said that it’d be better if I was where he is instead! He then said, “I’LL TRY! : ) YEH OK – I’D RATHER U WERE HERE! I’M LYING IN A HUGE DOUBLE BED WITH A BIG CEILING FAN – NICE N COOL! YOU CAN HAVE SOME OF OUR SUN…” and then, “WE’VE GOT A HEATWAVE AND MY SUNBURN IS WORSE THAN YOURS! WE’LL SEE WHO’S GOT THE MOST TANNED ARMS IN 2 WEEKS! (AND FACE N BACK N LEGS!) OWW! IT HURTS! LOVE xJx”.

He’d look weird with a tan cos I’m so used to him being the shade of milk! I asked him if he had to share the bed with anyone and then told him that I didn’t really care about getting tanned cos I’d rather get better. Jake then said, “WELL ARRAN WAS SLEEPING AT THE OTHER END! YEH YOU SHOULD JUST TRY N GET BETTER OTHERWISE I’M COMING HOME EARLY! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING SOMEWHERE BUT I CAN’T GET UP x”. That would be Arran B, one of his mates, the other 2 being Charlie and Ali.

I then told Jake that he is not coming home early cos I’d feel really guilty if he missed out on anything, so he said, “OK! WE’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS! CHARLIE SAYS ED IS GOING BACK ON THE COACH SO PRAY THAT THERE IS A SPARE SEAT! TELL GETHIN THAT HE SHOULD GET HIS SKINNY ARSE TO ROME…” and then, “COS THERE’S A GAY PRIDE MARCH ON – THE PLACE IS FULL! I’LL PHONE YOU TONIGHT IF YOU’RE NOT ASLEEP OR AT DENNY’S! LOTS OF LOVE!!! xJx”.

Those 2 messages were about my friend Ed (also a member of Swing Band) deciding to get the coach to Calais with the rest of us. You see, he’s got a job in France for a few weeks and was going to get the train there instead so then Jake would’ve had his place on the coach but it’s unfortunately not going to happen like that now.

They were also about Gethin who is one of my best mates and who is also bisexual apparently. We all believe him. In fact, most people reckon he’s just plain gay and there’s a lot of money riding on it too!

After he sent that message, I replied telling him to watch himself because he seems to attract lads! He’s got a little admirer in Year 7 called Philip Daly (a.k.a. MiniFloyd cos we’re mates with his older brother, Floyd!) and also Julian, a gay lad who we’re mates with, and Gethin thinks he’s fit! I can’t say I blame them really!

I also told Jake I was going to a small party at Denzel Chadwick’s house (Denny, as he’s more commonly known) tonight. His reply was, “OK THEN I’LL WATCH OUT! : ) WHAT TIME R U GOING COS I MISS THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE! : ) LOVE YOU!!! xxx Jake xxx”. I told him I didn’t know and he said, “OK WELL TEXT ME ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE YOU’RE GONNA GO! : ) COS I MAY BE SOMEWHERE WHERE I CAN’T CALL YOU – LIKE A CHURCH OR SOMETHING! SPEAK TO YOU LATER! LOVE xJx”.

Jake phoned me at about half past 5. He was just telling me about where he’s staying in Rome and that Florence and Venice are the next couple of places they’re going to. I filled him in on what’s been happening here, which didn’t take long at all! He said “love you” before he went, even though I could her that there were people around him.

I got a lift to Denny’s with Sarah tonight. There weren’t that many people there but it was quite good. That was until I started feeling ill again! I ended up leaving at about 10:30 cos all I wanted to do was go to bed! Not a lot was happening anyway and, of course, Jake wasn’t there.

I got another message off him when I got home saying, “HELLO! : ) HOW’S THE PARTY THEN? PUNCHED HAYLEY YET? I’M AT SOME KIND OF FESTIVAL – IT’S GOT CHEAP BEER N LOUD MUSIC ANYWAY! DID YOU ENJOY YOUR RIBS? LOTS OF LOVE! xJx”. I explained that Hayley (who’s being a bitch to Sarah) didn’t turn up and that Gethin hadn’t brought the barbecue ribs.

I didn’t get a reply so I’m going to bed!

Bye!

 

SHE IS NOT MY BEST MATE!!! – 7th July 2000

Friday 7th I didn’t go to college again because I seem to have scarlet fever or something now!

Sarah came round too cos she was skiving college (hope she doesn’t catch it!) to avoid Hayley who’s still being her bitchy little self! It’s all over Hayley reading a bit out of Sarah’s diary about her being hypocritical an also something about Lena and then went round telling everyone which is totally out of order.

Sarah’s very rightly annoyed with Hayley and Hayley’s annoyed with Sarah for being annoyed with her. Follow?! Now I’ve been dragged into it somehow cos Hayley’s been slagging me off to various people, saying how a best mate should be loyal and stick by her and stuff. She’s just trying to shift the guilt onto someone else cos she knows she’s the one that’s wrong but:

  1. I’ve not said a word about it to her since it all started so how does she know I’m being disloyal? (As it happens, I’ll be siding with Sarah on this one if she brings it up!)
  2. SHE IS NOT MY BEST MATE!!! It’s all in her head! Twisted cow!

Anyway, Sarah and I spent the day happily distorting photos of Hayley’s face on the computer! 🙂

I’ve had loads of messages from Jake today. I sent the first one asking what he was doing and he told me, “I’M SITTING ON A VERY LONG TRAIN JOURNEY TO ROME! IT’S NOT THAT HOT TODAY BUT IT’S REALLY BORING! DO YOU FEEL ANY BETTER?? FEEL AWFUL COS I’M NOT WITH YOU! LOVE xJx”.

I then told him that if he was with me then he’d only end up catching it but he said, “I WOULDN’T MIND CATCHING IT IF IT MEANT I COULD SEE YOU! YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM YOU! LOVE YOU! x”.

I then pointed out that in 2 weeks’ time I should be in Valkenburg and his reaction was, “YIPPEEE! CAN’T WAIT! YOU BETTER GET WELL BEFORE THEN! HOLLAND SEEMS SO FAR AWAY – IN DISTANCE AND TIME! WANT IT TO HURRY UP – LOOKING FORWARD TO IT SOOO MUCH! xJx”.

I sent him another after that saying how I had a concert at the Parr Hall with Swing Band tonight but it took him a while to reply. He said, “SORRY I  HAVEN’T REPLIED – JUST GOT TO CHARLIE’S AUNT’S HOUSE IN ROME! DON’T DO THE CONCERT – I WANT YOU TO GET BETTER – STAY IN AND REST! : ) NOT BEEN A WEEK YET!…” Then I got the same one again and then another similar one. He must have thought it hadn’t sent! He said, “SORRY I HAVEN’T REPLIED – JUST GOT TO ROME! DON’T DO THE CONCERT – I WANT YOU TO GET BETTER SO REST INSTEAD! : ) THIS IS THE 1ST FRI NIGHT WITHOUT YOU FOR AGES!! : ( xJx”.

Then almost straight away I got, “HAH! FORGOT TO SAY – THIS AMERICAN GIRL ON THE TRAIN WAS READING THIS SOPPY ROMANTIC NOVEL AND THE MAIN CHARACTER WAS CALLED TESSA! SHE KEPT READING BITS AND LAUGHING AT ME x”.

After I’d done with the concert (which was okay) I sent him another message asking why she’d been laughing and telling him what I’d just done for Swing Band. I also mentioned Hayley being a cow. He said, “TOLD YOU NOT TO! CHARLIE IS LAUGHING COS HE MISSED IT! SHE WAS LAUGHING COS IT WAS SO SOPPY – SHE SAID I WAS THE MAN IN IT! THEY THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY NICE THAT…” then, “WE SEND MSGS TO EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME! HAYLEY IS TWISTED! HOW DO YOU KNOW HAYLEY’S ANNOYED WITH YOU? FROM SARAH? x”.

I told him that Gethin, Freda and Henry Rockwell had all told me that she’d been slagging me off. Then he said, “OHHH THINGS AREN’T GOING YOUR WAY AT THE MINUTE ARE THEY?! YOU’RE ILL, HAYLEY’S BEING A BITCH AND I’M HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY : (…” then I got a really nice one which cheered me up saying, “I MAY BE ALL THE WAY IN ITALY BUT I’M WITH YOU ALL THE TIME, JUST LIKE YOU’RE WITH ME ALL THE TIME – IN MY HEART AND ON MY MIND… PERMANENTLY! : ) LOVE YOU LOTS! xJx”.

That was very soppy but very sweet! I bet he was reading a romantic novel himself on that train!

I agreed with him that things aren’t going my way and told him that I now seem to have a scarletina type thing, and he said, “PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE JOKING! SCARLET FEVER?? : ( HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE DOCTOR’S? I’M REALLY REALLY SORRY I’M NOT THERE FOR YOU! xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him that he didn’t have to apologise cos I wouldn’t see much of him even if he was here cos I’m ill so he said, “I’M SORRY – JUST IT’S NOT A NICE THING TO HAVE! : ( : ( THIS IS ALL SOOO BAD! : ( : ( I’D BETTER LET YOU SLEEP THEN! HOPE U FEEL BETTER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! ALL MY LOVE! x”.

I then told him that I didn’t want to sleep so to keep texting (unless he did) and I told him not to feel bad. He sent me 2 back saying, “I WORRY COS YOU’RE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE! : ) IF I WASN’T – I’D BE WORRYING ABOUT HOW THE HELL I’M GETTING BACK TONIGHT – I’M LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF ROME! xJx”. Then, “OH! AND I DON’T NEED SLEEP SO KEEP TEXTING AND I’LL ASSUME YOU’VE FALLEN ASLEEP WHEN I DON’T GET ANY MORE! LOVE YOU! x”.

I then told him I was a bit worried about him once he’d said he was lost but he said, “HAH – DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME! CHARLIE IS GONNA LEAD US HOME… HE HOPES! NO DON’T MIND IF YOU HIT HAYLEY AT DENNY’S – YOU WOULD BE V. POPULAR! R U GONNA GO FEELING LIKE THIS?? LOVE xJx”.

I told him that I AM going to Denny’s cos I’ve missed out on enough already while I’ve been ill! I also told him that Ed reckons I’ve got ‘missing Jakey sydrome’ and Jake said, “WELL DON’T MAKE YOURSELF ANY WORSE! IF THAT’S ALL YOU’VE GOT – THAT’S OK! YOU’VE ONLY GOT 2 MORE WEEKS THEN YOU’LL BE FINE! MY BATTERY MAY DIE SOON – SO DON’T WORRY…” then, “IF I DON’T REPLY – I HAVEN’T BEEN RUN DOWN BY A CRAZY ITALIAN MAN ON A SCOOTER! LOTS OF LOVE… AGAIN! xJx”.

Later on at about 12:15 am, I got another message saying, “JUST GOT BACK! AND FOUND A PLUG SOCKET! HOW’S ABOUT YOU’RE ALLOWED TO WORRY ABOUT ME AS LONG AS I CAN WORRY ABOUT YOU? ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS…” and then, “YOUR CUTE LITTLE FACE, YOUR LOVELY EYES AND SCRUNCHED UP NOSE ALL LOOKING AT ME! THERE’S NOTHING I WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOU! – YOU’RE JUST PERFECT! REALLY DO LOVE YOU.”

That was very nice to read but I pointed out that right now I’ve got a pink little face, a stuffed up nose and I can’t look at anything properly cos my eyes won’t focus! I also told him not to be put off by that though! He replied, “AHH! YOU’RE JUST SO SWEET! I CAN JUST PICTURE YOU NOW! WOULDN’T BE PUT OFF – EVER! I KNOW I SAY IT ALL THE TIME – BUT YOU’RE JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE – YOU REALLY ARE!”

I don’t think anyone else would agree! I don’t actually know what I’ve done to make him think that either cos I wouldn’t have thought I’m anything special! I told him that I thought it was the other way round and he said, “WELL WE’RE BOTH REALLY LUCKY THEN! I THINK WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! I’M LYING IN BED LISTENING TO THAT LONESTAR SONG – THE LYRICS SUM UP EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! xJx”.

That’s really weird cos I thought that and I told him that. He then said, “WOW! WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! I LISTEN TO IT EVERY NIGHT! IT’S A BIT DEPRESSING NOW THOUGH!” That really is freaky cos it used to be one of the ones I listened to a lot at night until he went away cos it was depressing!

I asked him if he was joking and told him that! He said, “NO I’M NOT JOKING! : ) OHH I REALLY CAN’T WAIT 2 WEEKS! BETTER GO TO SLEEP NOW THOUGH – DON’T WANT TO BUT I’M AN HOUR AHEAD AND HAVE A BUSY DAY TOMORROW! I’LL PHONE YOU! x”. That was the last message I got tonight.

Looks like I’ll have to get a new diary then. I’ll probably use this purple hardback notebook I think I’ve got. See you there!

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