I left Jake watching TV to go and make some fake cum – 10th June 2001

Sunday 10th Hmm. Last night was quite a varied night in the end with some good bits and some not so good bits.

Jake, Michael, Sarah, Karen, Cat, Gethin and I all went round to Lizzie’s house because her parents went away to Cyprus for 2 weeks yesterday. We all brought alcohol supplies and just settled down in the living room to watch TV/listen to music/talk.

Gethin was being all lively and was poncing about in the middle of the room, dancing and cracking crap jokes in order to be the centre of attention but as soon as everyone lost interest he went and sulked and had heart-to-heart talks with people and cried cos he’s gay. I didn’t fall for it. It was all for attention purposes and really got on my nerves.

My theory is that it was mostly for the benefit of Sarah but she’s so soft she gave him loads of sympathy. You see, I reckon Gethin’s jealous deep down of Michael because now he’s come along, Sarah’s no longer following Gethin round like a little sheep in hope she’ll get a snog out of him. He didn’t want to know at the time but now it’s the whole situation of wanting what he can’t have. I may be wrong but it’d be a very Gethin-like thing to do.

He did ask me if he could talk to me at one point but I refused to go out of the room with him cos I had a feeling that if he was going to go all serious. I’d either get annoyed or laugh and I didn’t really want to fall out with him.

I had a minor jokey disagreement with Jake while he was watching the Formula 1 on TV. I asked why he found it so interesting and he eventually came out with a comment that girls only like football for the perve factor. That pissed me off so much so I put up and argument. He did admit in the end that he knows that’s not why I watch it. Why can’t I just like the game? Grrr.

I left Jake watching TV to go and make some fake cum at one point. Cat found a recipe a while ago on the internet and was going to spread it round Mr L’s room (ha ha ha!!!) so we thought we’d test it out. It didn’t work. We ended up with a runny yellow concoction consisting of egg white, sugar, mayonnaise, flour, evaporated milk, arrowroot, salad cream and lots more. It was pretty mingin’! (We didn’t actually follow a recipe, we guessed!)

A few of us had a go at my drinking games. We played Fuzzy Duck, Bunnies, something with matches and something where you had to pick a bottle up with your mouth while standing on one leg. We got bored pretty quickly though cos none of us were that pissed.

Sarah, Michael, Jake and I all went in Sarah’s car to get Chinese takeaway and stopped to pick Floyd up from The Green Dragon on the way back. He was still working so I used my superb waitressing skills and help him tidy up faster so he could finish his shift. It’s scary how it all came back to me!

When we got back, we ate too much food and all nearly exploded but it’s too nice to leave leftovers! Sarah and Michael then had to go out again to take Cat home cos she had to teach Sunday school this morning.

Cat got upset at one point too, all because of fucking Mr L. She checked his email and discovered a letter which someone had written for him to print off and put with his application forms for new jobs. It was all about why he’d resigned (cos of the allegations made against him) and went cringingly onto say how he loves his job and how he’ll work extra hard to prove himself etc. Tosser!

The part that really got to Cat though was a bit saying that the head of our school would back him up about what an “asset” he was. It sounds like Mr C didn’t believe what Cat was saying. Mr bloody L is going to be allowed to teach again and it’ll happen all over again with more pupils. With any luck though, nobody will want to risk taking him on.

Even though we were all full from Chinese, we kept finding chocolates and sweets all over the house and therefore we all felt even more sick!

It really is a mess in Lizzie’s house. You can hardly move for rubbish and there’s about 4 inches of dust on the vacuum cleaner! Luckily Lizzie said Jake and I could share her sister’s bed so we didn’t have to sleep in amongst the mess. Mind you, it took us a while to clear the crap off her sister’s bed too!

We went to bed pretty early actually. Sarah and Michael shared another bedroom and the others slept on the living room floor.

I left Jake on the bed to go in the bathroom and came back to find him in the bed with no clothes on at all! We just kissed and cuddled for a bit then…

[CENSORED! I can’t include what I wrote because I covered all the gory details at some point with a thick black pen, probably before I went to uni when I feared Mum or Abby would find my diaries. I’m not going to pretend I’m not relieved I don’t have to cringe my way through sharing that sort of stuff.]

We got some sleep after that and it was really nice being able to snuggle up together. It was really nice waking up with him there this morning too. We cuddled for ages before Sarah knocked on the door to say she was leaving soon if we wanted a lift. We all ended up going to McDonald’s for breakfast (mmm, bacon roll!) and Rory was working. The McDonald’s uniform actually makes him look vaguely straight!

Jake got a lift back with Karen cos she was dropping Lizzie off and he lives in the next close to Lizzie. I don’t like leaving him, especially when Karen’s there. I’m going to sound really paranoid now but she keeps flirting with him, I’m sure! He was complaining this morning about his hair being a mess and she started stroking his head saying, “Ahh!”. She laughs at him all the time and kept saying he was sweet last night.

Hugo kept ringing him too and Karen made sure she answered it and said, “Hi! This is Big ‘n’ Bouncy Escorts. How may I help you?” Actually, that was quite funny though. I probably wouldn’t notice as much if I didn’t know that she used to fancy him. Ugh, I don’t know! I don’t think she’s really a threat though!

When I got home this morning, Jake sent me a message saying he’s sorry if he hurt me (pain-wise) last night and not to feel guilty about it. Ooh, I love him sooo much! 🙂

Sarah told me in the car on the way home that she thinks Michael was expecting to go all the way last night but he said he respected her for not wanting to rush it. Aww, sweet! She said she did 2 to him and he did 3 to her on our ranking system.

Just to explain, my mates and I have come up with numbers to represent what stage was reached with lads, just in case we don’t want to say properly what we did if other people are there. It goes:

1 = Snog
2 = Grope
3 = Hands
4 = Mouths
5 = Sex

So, if I ever use those numbers in here, that’s the explanation for it.

I’ve spoken to Jake a couple of times today on the phone cos he decided not to come here cos he’s really tired and doesn’t feel like getting the buses and taxis. (His brother’s getting that Punto but Jake won’t be insured on it.)

I’ve just been texting Jake now and I apologised again for last night. He said it doesn’t matter and that it didn’t last very long the first time so that’s the longest it’s lasted yet!

Oh no, I’ve got a driving lesson tomorrow. I’ve forgotten what to do!

Bye!

I shouldn’t have mentioned Canada – 9th June 2001

Saturday 9th Well, Jake certainly made sure I felt guilty about everything I said about Suzanna/Canada. I phoned him and apologised again but we got into a bit of an argument because he said I always make him feel as if things out of his control are his fault. So, obviously I defended myself and basically said I didn’t.

We ended up talking on MSN messenger on the internet and got onto the subject of his mum. He said I shouldn’t have mentioned Canada yesterday (I know!) and started saying how he didn’t tell me why he was so upset at the time cos he doesn’t feel like he can talk to me about it because I never ask him about it.

Well, that really insulted me and I made sure I pointed out the fact that he said last year (and so did Hugo) that he didn’t like talking about it. I was hardly going to bring it up and risk saying the wrong thing and upsetting him, especially if he didn’t like speaking about it.

I got cut off MSN mid-argument so I ended up phoning him again. He was crying and so was I and after hanging up on me once, I rang again and we sorted it out. He apologised for not telling me stuff and I apologised for what I said last night. We’re friends again now which is a good thing cos we’re both staying at Lizzie’s house tonight. I’ll report back on that tomorrow though.

Bye!

I don’t want him to run off with someone who has got legs! – 8th June 2001

Friday 8th Jake phoned me this afternoon to tell me that he, his brother and his dad had been looking for cars this morning. They’ve found a sort of metallic yellow (yuck!) Fiat Punto at some place in Warrington and his brother was going back to test drive it at some point today. Jake says it’s a really nice one so hopefully they’ll get it.

However, when he got to my house later on, Jake was less pleased cos it’ll be really expensive to insure him and his bro on it so he might not be allowed to drive it because he’s going to be at uni in a few months’ time. He’s just going to have to wait and see. He wants his Beetle back most though. That’d be cool!

A few of us including Michael Amhurst did The Run pub crawl tonight. Cat told me something in The Woodman which I’d probably have been better off not hearing. Someone’s dog was sniffing round Jake when he was at the bar and Cat said, “He seems to attract dogs, doesn’t he?!” She meant that literally cos her dog also took quite a fancy to him but she realised it could’ve sounded a bit insulting towards me. I laughed and said, “Well, he did attract Zoe!” I named a few others that liked him as well and then Cat said, “Ooh and Suzanna” when I’d finished the list.

Suzanna is a friend of Emma’s and she’s well known for her slapperish tendencies but many lads so seem to think she’s nice looking. Cat obviously assumed I knew about the Suzanna thing but I didn’t so she told me.

Apparently when Suzanna came on The Run with us a while ago she wasn’t with her boyfriend and she started saying to Emma how nice she thought Jake was. Emma told her that she’d better not dare flirt with him cos she was obviously intending to. What really pisses me off is that I was sat next to him and it’s obvious we’re a couple. Who knows what she’d have tried if Emma and I hadn’t been there. Bitch!

I trust Jake not to do anything but I still don’t like the fact that everyone seems to fancy him. It never happens the other way round. Cat and Sarah said I should be flattered that so many people fancy him but it just worries me. I’m so scared that one day someone will like him and will eventually get him to like her back and he’ll gradually go off me and I’ll lose him.

The thing is that (even if he won’t admit it) he could have pretty much anyone and that makes me feel really insecure cos there’s probably so many people better than me.

He also said (when I asked him!) that if my legs fell off or something he wouldn’t like me quite as much. What if that happens now?! I don’t want him to run off with someone who has got legs!

Anyway, when I got back to mine with Jake he realised I was being quiet and I eventually told him about Suzanna. He couldn’t stop smiling. It’s probably just cos he’s flattered like anyone would be but I didn’t like it. I told him my worry that he might find someone he likes more than me and he said that I don’t have to worry because he loves me and doesn’t ever want anyone else. Good! 🙂

I still wasn’t feeling particularly happy though because I don’t like loads of people fancying him and no-one even looking twice at me. I mean, I don’t want him to look any different cos he’s really nice but people still obviously want to go for him even though they know he’s got a girlfriend. Grrr!! I don’t like the thought of people thinking about him like that cos he’s MINE!!

So, I told him some stuff like that to try and explain what was up with me and I could just see his head expanding. He didn’t mean it though and did seem to understand but I suppose he can’t help it.

I can just imagine people seeing us and thinking, “Urgh! How did dhe get him?!” I think that about people (mean, I know!) so I’m sure others think it too. Maybe they don’t, I don’t know. I’m probably just putting myself down too much but it doesn’t half lower my self-esteem hearing loads of people fancy him and he can’t say, “Well, such and such likes you so you can’t complain!” or anything. Oh well.

The subject of skiing got mentioned too and I commented how I could never afford to do anything like that. He was already pissed off about the Suzanna thing cos he said it upsets him to see me upset and then he just burst into tears. I didn’t mean to upset him but some really evil streak in me was quite pleased because I wasn’t particularly upset and he was and I thought I must have bothered him so he must care.

Then I realised why he was probably sooo upset. It’s a year ago today when his mum died. I did know because it’s hardly the sort of thing to forget cos it was awful at the time but I really should’ve watched what I said, especially about skiing because she wanted him to go. I feel so guilty now. He did calm down after a hug but I felt so bad.

He didn’t actually say that’s what was wrong until he got home and sent me a text message explaining that’s why he got so upset but said I shouldn’t feel bad about it. But I do.

Bye!

We had a brief kickboxing-style fight – 27th May 2001

Sunday 27th Jake left quite early this morning but he said even though it scared him a bit when he woke up and I was there, it was a nice sort of scared!

Grandma S and Auntie G came round here today for a joint birthday meal between my mum (50 on 21st May), my Grandma (80 on 24th May) and my sister (17 on 28th May).

Abby and I fell out afterwards cos she found out Dad gave me £20 for a taxi back last night. I genuinely forgot about it so it was too late once Abby and Connor had gone when I paid our taxi driver with it. She was yelling at me, saying I was lying that I’d forgotten and should’ve told her, blah blah blah… so I shoved her out of my room. We had a brief kickboxing-style fight which I was quite proud of myself for cos it seemed automatic! Abby ended up getting yelled at by Mum and Dad cos the agreement was meant to be that we all got in a taxi together and they didn’t.

Jake came round after tea so we could go to Freda’s house together when Sarah picked us up. He gave me a little bag, necklace and a belt thing that his dad brought back from Peru. I didn’t realise they were for me at first, I thought he might have just been showing me them cos he muttered something but I couldn’t tell what. He’s left them here though so I think they must be for me. I’ve left them out, not put them away, just in case I’m wrong. It’s just I never see his dad and I thought he didn’t like me so I’m a bit confused. I kind of feel guilty though cos I didn’t tell Jake to say thank you cos I didn’t know they were a present. I didn’t want to ask Jake either cos I’d have felt stupid if they weren’t! Maybe I’ll try and confirm it when he’s drunk or something.

Michael Amhurst came to Freda’s house too because he’s staying at his sister’s near here (instead of at home near Kendal) cos he’s coming to Ainsdale beach with us tomorrow. I left him and Sarah alone in the living room and me and a few others went round the side of the house and saw through the window that they were snogging! About time too!!! 🙂

Bye!

Freda's gathering

[Isaac, Jake, me, Sarah, Michael, Cat & Gethin at Freda’s house.]

Wearing black balaclavas and pretending to be tadpoles – 28th & 29th April 2001

Saturday 28th I was with Jake all day today. 3 happened this morning but I’m still confused about last night and it was probably the real reason behind me getting upset so easily when my sister went a bit bitchy about going in the shower first.

It’s Sarah’s actual birthday today so me, her, Michael and Jake all went to see Bridget Jones’s Diary (again!) at the Trafford Centre cinema.

I got some messages off Jake when he went home which made me feel a bit better (but I’m still confused) about last night. One said. “ : ) HEY! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH! I’M SORRY FOR KEEPING YOU AWAKE! I THINK IT WAS MORE THAN WORTH IT THOUGH! : ) I JUST GET FRUSTRATED COS I WANT TO STAY IN YOUR BED. I WOKE UP AT 7AM + COULDN’T GET BACK TO SLEEP COS I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO WALK THROUGH MY DOOR! I LOVE FALLING ASLEEP CUDDLING YOU + WAKING UP NEXT TO YOU! J xJx”.

Bye!

Sunday 29th Jake came to Mum’s school with me, Mum and Abby today to help make a pond in the corner of Mum’s classroom for the children to go underneath and play in wearing black balaclavas and pretending to be tadpoles! It looks really good!

This evening my state of confusion disappeared after the exchange of texts with Jake. 🙂 They weren’t very nice to start with but got better. Here goes:

  1. “Well I enjoyed it! Sorry I won’t bother in future! : ( Let’s face it – there’s not much chance of us having fun with them! x”
    (Last part was referring to Manchester and my mates.)
  2. “I’m so sorry! I just seem to be upsetting you all the time at the moment! : ( I always say something horrible or manage to upset you even more when you need cheering up! I’m a crap boyfriend! + I don’t know how you put up with me! I love you more than anything in the world + I’m so sorry! Please text me when you get credit. x”
    (I did have credit! Ha ha!!)
  3. “You said it continued to be a bad night! How do you think that made me feel? It put me off too!”
  4. “Noooo! : ) I wasn’t disappointed at all! I didn’t know what to do?! Don’t think that! Love you! : ) xJx”
  5. “ : ) I want to be with you now! : ) Anyway, I’m really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression – I certainly wasn’t disappointed! I love you! : ) xJx”

Finally! That’s what I needed to hear! He’s actually pretty considerate! I bet most lads wouldn’t think twice about upsetting me! Ooh, I love him!! 🙂

Bye!

“Biology sessions” – 22nd & 23rd April 2001

Sunday 22nd I still keep getting those dizzy, rushing, weird feelings at night. 😦 It’s kind of like when something makes you jump and the rushing feeling you get. I don’t like it! I remembered today that Sarah said she gets weird hallucination-y dreamy things when she’s half asleep too! I get them all the time so I’m glad I’m not the only one!

Jake came round again today. We were talking about uni and he says he’s really looking forward to it. He was also talking about the house we could have one day and stuff too! 🙂 He sent me some messages last night about “special cuddles” and said “practice makes perfect” so we’ve got to practice lots! 🙂

Bye!

Monday 23rd Last night’s messages consisted of stuff about “biology sessions” and how he’ll have to help me with certain parts of my revision! Somehow I don’t think much work would get done… not of the school kind anyway! Jake says he wants to do stuff on Friday night if we can. I want to but not really in my house with my family around.

I didn’t see Jake at all today cos I was at college and he was at home or at the gym in town. He did phone at about 6pm though which was nice of him.

Cat told me today that Mr L has a new victim. It’s Ellie Linton in Year 10… she’s only 15! He is such a pervert!

Cat said she’d spoken to Ellie about it. Ellie said he rang her about passports for the Russia trip and ended up telling her she was beautiful and what he was doing to himself (jerking off)! He’s sick!!

Ellie’s really upset by it cos he’s been her form tutor for years and she had confided in him about stuff and he used to play with her hair and stuff. Creepy! She feels like he’s been sort of bringing her up as some little plaything. I feel so sorry for her!

Bye!

What does he expect?! – 20th April 2001

Thursday 20th A group of us did The Run tonight. It was all okay until Jake was talking to some of his year in The Woodman and the rest of us waited outside. Cat suggested hiding round the corner for a laugh but Jake didn’t find it very funny. He sat on a bench and when I tried to apologise, he shoved me out of the way. I was actually quite embarrassed cos he did it in front of everyone and I nearly fell over. He didn’t push me hard, I was just a bit pissed!

So, we both ended up sulking and didn’t speak. When we got to The Grey Hen, he just got up and left cos we still hadn’t said anything. I felt guilty then so I got Cat to ring him to find out where he was. He said he was walking home so I spoke to him and told him not to be so stupid and come back. He did and we sat by the old station while everyone else went in The Mossland.

We talked for a bit and apologised about the hiding and pushing thing but I could tell there was something else wrong. Eventually he told me that I care too much about what my friends think and that tonight I seemed more concerned with them than him. He said it’s not the same as before he went.

What does he expect?! I made new set of friends while he was away in the form of College 1s. I explained to him that I’m just trying to keep everyone happy but I’ve obviously not got the right balance between him and friends cos he felt neglected. If I paid more attention to him though, my mates would go all moody on me. I don’t want that either. I thought I was managing okay but he obviously feels my attention for him in lacking somewhat.

I got upset and explained I didn’t do it deliberately (apparently I was doing it before we fell out). He then got upset too cos he’d upset me! That meant we made up though. 🙂 He said he hates falling out but it’s really nice when we make up afterwards! I agree!

Bye!