Cat was insistent that his room smelled of cum – 16th August 2001

Thursday 16th Before I got my results today. I kept getting that awful sinking feeling every time I remembered.

I was one of the first people to get up the stairs in college so I was one of the first to receive results. Mrs P handed me the piece of paper with my results on. I couldn’t believe it when I brought myself to look at them.

I got:

  • BIOLOGY >>> C
  • GEOGRAPHY >>> B
  • SPORTS STUDIES >>> C
  • GENERAL STUDIES >>> B

Exactly how I did it I have no idea but I’m VERY VERY pleased with myself!! 🙂

I rang Mum and she had to check it was me and not my sister when I told her. Abby got her AS Level results and got a load of As and a C.

Jake came to meet me at college cos we were all going out to celebrate/drown our sorrows in The Beech Tree. This is what my friends got:
(N = Near miss but still a fail
U = Totally failed)

  • Cat 4 >>> As and a B
  • Sarah >>> a B, a D and an E
  • Lizzie >>> a C, a D and an N
  • Karen >>> ?
  • Isaac >>> 3 Cs
  • Gethin >>> ?
  • Denny >>> ?
  • Floyd >>> an N and 2 Us
  • Freda >>> an E
  • Dougie >>> 4 As and a B
  • Emma >>> ?

Jake had a party at his house (cos his Dad and sister are away) this evening. Quite a lot of people turned up in the end. It was okay but I hardly ever saw Jake cos he was too busy following Emma round like a little sheep. He used to fancy her years ago and I think he still does. Every time she sat down so did he and I kept coming into rooms to find them sat on the floor together. They also went off and were jumping in someone’s hedge at one point. I’m sure Jake hugged her at one point but it was dark so I wasn’t sure.

I spent most of the time in Robbie’s room with Cat. It was quite funny cos Cat was insistent that his room smelled of cum and Gethin was very obviously coming on to him.

[Cat sent me in to confirm the aroma.]

When everyone decided to get some sleep, Jake and I both slept in his bed. We had a minor fall out but he insisted he didn’t fancy Emma. Yeh right! When we were in bed, 3 happened but that was it unfortunately.

Bye!

Like I’d get in a car with him! Creep! – 12th to 14th August 2001

Sunday 12th I went to Reiss beach this afternoon with Mum, Dad, Auntie S, Tom, Minnie and the metal detector. That was fun until we started getting eaten alive by midges!

This evening, Rhian, Abby and I went out cruising in a car with Rhian’s friend Dee and her brother Graeme. Everybody in Wick seemed to be out so it was quite good. At one point, Abby and I got out and stood on the street cos Dee had to home and Duncan kept driving past with his cousin, Kate. They waved and then stopped and asked if we wanted a lift anywhere. Like I’d get in a car with him! Creep!

Another car full of lads also stopped and asked for a “date”. Of course, we basically told them to fuck off cos they were obviously total gimps.

Later, we got in Sandy’s lovely car with Rhian cos her boyfriend, Marc, was in there with him. He took us up to Noss Head cos we’d told him about the Highland cows and the lads wanted to see them!

I was quite surprised when I first got in Sandy’s car cos I expected thumping dance music like everyone else had blasting out. However, Sandy had The Corrs album on. It was quite nice actually!

When we got to Noss Head, we stopped in the car park and saw that there were already some people there. It was Dunny and Kelly and a couple of others smoking stuff. They were obviously drunk/stoned (or both) cos Kelly got on someone’s moped, started it up and whizzed straight into a nearby ditch! It was so funny! The lads tried to get it out and got totally covered in mud while Kelly just laughed and watched them without a speck of dirt on her!

Bye!

Monday 13th Travelled home. Really boring day.

Bye!

Tuesday 14th I had another dream about Ferny last night. Weird.

I went round to Cat’s today with all my photos cos she’s putting them all on CD so all our friends can have a copy of each other’s piccys.

After that, I went round to Jake’s. We had a bit of a jokey falling out about splitting up at uni but it’s obvious he’s genuinely worried about it. He also started trying to undress me later, just as Mum arrived to pick me up. Damn it!

Bye!

I don’t want to be a possessive little freak – 9th August 2001

Thursday 9th Mum, Dad, Rhian, Abby, Tom, Minnie and I all tried to find the beach near the lighthouse today. We failed and ended up going to Sinclair and Girnigoe Castle instead. They’re sooo creepy! It’d be awful being stuck there on your own at night!

[That’s the castle on the left in the background.]

After that, we all went back to Auntie S’s house. We just stayed in and went on the internet and stuff. I drove to the Co-op and back though with Mum. 🙂

I’m not too happy now. I rang Jake before to discover he’s at Emma’s party. I got pissed off cos I don’t like missing out on stuff and half of the people there fancy him, including Suzanna the Slapper who was about to throw herself at him on The Run [a pub crawl] once before.

I know it’s not his fault that people fancy him but I couldn’t help getting annoyed. I can’t stand the thought of people even considering flirting with him when I’m not there cos he’s too polite to just walk away. I’m getting as bad as Abby’s boyfriend! Nooooo!!! I don’t want to be a possessive little freak!

What annoyed me more was when I rang him back to apologise and he let slip that he’d told Sarah about what I’d said to him and that I’m basically being paranoid. However, Sarah apparently told him that she knows people who fancy me. WHO?!?

Bye!

I need hugs! – 1st to 4th August 2001

Wednesday 1st Urrggh!! I had a horrible afternoon. I went round to Jake because some family friend was there so he couldn’t leave. I only expected to stay for a bit but they ended up having a barbecue. The idea was fine until I realised I had to sit round a table with the entire family plus friend. I just felt sooo out of place and couldn’t wait for it to be over. They were all having conversations about things I didn’t know about and people I’d never heard of and when they asked me a question, they always picked a moment when I had a mouth full of burger or something. There was some very nice cake though.

This evening I went round to Henry Rockwell’s house for a small gathering. There was very little alcohol so Sarah and I went to Vicky Wine [Victoria Wine – an offie that doesn’t exist anymore] to get some supplies. Penny Jensen was working and told us Aled had just been in and informed her that Oscar’s in hospital cos he’s got leukaemia. That’s awful! I used to be really good mates with him. She said it’s a common form and can be cured so I really hope he’ll be okay.

Rocky’s was a bit boring cos Jake left early and his old nextdoor neighbour turned up. Isaac told me at one point that with Lizzie and Karen were making fools of themselves flirting with Sam and Nip at Denny’s, Emma had asked him if they were pregnant!

After Rocky’s we all went to Simon Bell’s (a complete knobhead from school who went off the rails then found God and who has now latched on to our group of friends) cos he promised us a barbecue. We didn’t get one so we went home.

Bye!

Thursday 2nd I woke up this morning to Mum sat on my bed. She hardly ever does that so I knew something was wrong. She told me that my Grandma L died at quarter to midnight yesterday. 😦

[I love this photo of her.]

I didn’t get upset straight away cos it wasn’t really a shock seeing as she’s been really ill and I was warned it’d happen. However, it didn’t take much to upset me. As soon as Mum mentioned funeral arrangements, it set me off crying. We were planning to go up to Wick next Tuesday but we’re going on Sunday now.

I will miss her.

I went to the Trafford Centre with Jake and bought some Roxy Quiksilver combat-style pants to cheer me up.

Bye!

Saturday 4th

Jake and I have been together a year and 6 months today!

Cat had a barbecue today. It was pretty good cos loads of people turned up. We just ate lots, talked, went on the internet and watched Shrek. I got pretty upset when I had to leave and say goodbye to Jake because we’re going to Scotland tomorrow. I just didn’t want to leave him and have to go to a funeral and he was being really nice which didn’t really help, it just upset me more!

Jake explained to Cat and Gethin about Grandma cos they saw me get upset. I got lots of hugs off him and he told me he loved me and said he’ll miss me. I’ll miss him too. I need hugs!

Bye!

A long and boring journey – 16th & 18th July 2000

Monday 16th I went straight in to see Jake this morning and stayed in his bed for ages and did stuff until I realised my driving instructor was about to turn up. I managed to get ready in time and had quite a good lesson. I did 2 really good bay parks. I saw Jake again later and we just watched TV.

Bye!

Wednesday 18th I saw Jake all day today and packed for leaving for the Swing Band trip to Germany tonight. I got a bit upset which was basically because I was reminded of his bloody Canada trip but also because we were talking and I realised that he’s involved with me but I’m not really involved with him. He knows all my friends and gets on with my family but the same can’t be said for me and his family and friends.

I said goodbye to Jake and went to school to meet the coach. Sarah, Andy and Floyd all came to wave us off which was nice. I ended up sat with Denny on the coach but I didn’t mind that. We set off on a long and boring journey eventually, after arranging to get another minibus for the instruments cos Club Europe fucked up for the 3rd year running and didn’t get us the trailer we needed or a coach with a tow bar. Duh!

Bye!

I didn’t really fancy getting murdered – 2nd July 2001

Monday 2nd I’m in BARCELONA!!! It’s really nice too! 🙂

Both Jake and I only got a couple of hours sleep before we had to get up to go to the airport. It was nice staying in his bed so I didn’t really want to get out, especially at 5:15am!

I was really hungry but when I went downstairs, nobody was eating so I didn’t either when I was asked if I wanted breakfast. It wall went quiet when I was stood in the kitchen so I went upstairs to escape the awkwardness, telling Jake and his dad I needed to get my things together (lie lie!).

We ended up having breakfast at the airport cos we checked in quite early but they then I wasn’t very hungry due to my nervousness about flying. I’m really pissed off that I’ve gained a new found fear cos there’s no reason why it’s happened! I need not have worried though because the flight was very smooth and very clear so I could see everything that we were flying over.

I was given this at the airport and it’s the network my phone went onto instead of Vodafone…

It was in the newspaper that the cleaners at Barcelona Airport were on strike and had thrown rubbish everywhere. This was true. When we arrived, there were small piles of rubbish everywhere but thankfully it was only shredded paper.

We got a train from the airport to Plaza de Catalunya and then a taxi to our hotel. In actual fact, we could’ve walked to our hotel from where we got off the train but we couldn’t work out which direction to go in from the map.

We got to Hotel Lleo but had to wait a while for a room. The lobby area was nice (lots of marble) but our room was even better. We are in room 101 on the 1st floor (right by the bar!) and have a huge bathroom, 2 single beds pushed together, phone, Sky TV, lots of mirrors, a nice view out onto the street and… these are the best bits… a spa bath, a minibar and adjustable beds! The beds are sooo cool!! It took us a while to work out what the remotes were for and then the beds began to move! Hee hee!! 🙂

This afternoon, we prized ourselves away from our cool beds and went for a wander along Las Ramblas to the harbour thing where there was a huge cruise ship arriving. There were loads of street performers and stalls, some of which were unfortunately selling animals and birds out of tiny cages.

When we got hungry, we really should’ve gone for something Spanish but instead, we opted for the Hard Rock Café there. A starter would’ve done but we had a main meal too and we were so full afterwards!

We went back to the hotel and I rang Mum to say we’d arrived and then we went for a wander to find the beach. After about a 45 minute walk, we arrived and it was very, very manky. It was full of dogs and covered in rubbish. Yuck!!

As if we hadn’t done enough walking, Jake decided he wanted to see what some sculpture right at the end of the road was. I had blisters on my feet already but I assumed he knew a way back that way so I followed him. He didn’t so we had to walk all the way back again. I was reeeally pissed off cos he’d said the beach wasn’t far and he knew my feet were killing me so I marched on ahead. It was also getting dark and I didn’t really fancy getting murdered so I wanted to get back to the hotel asap!

Jake got upset cos he realised I was pissed off but we’ve made up now. My feet are still sore and I’m so tired.

Hmm, what position shall I put my bed in so I can sleep tonight?!

Bye!

She’s really false – 25th & 26th June 2001

Monday 25th I went to the Trafford Centre with Jake. We got the bus there and Robbie’s girlfriend Amy got on it too. Jake seem to like her and get on with her but she completely ignored me. I wish Robbie liked and got on with me.

When we got there, we also saw loads of people from Jake’s year. Earlier we saw some of them drive past and then we saw a couple of others and then his ex-girlfriend on the way home. The lad (Alex) was the only one who acknowledged my existence and asked me if I’m going to the college leaving do on Wednesday cos he is seeing as he stayed back at college a year.

They all asked Jake about Canada (grr!) and he informed some of them that he’ll go back at some point to renew his qualification thing. He said I could go with him but it involved money which I don’t have and I’d be stuck on my own while he pissed off and skied.

Ugh, he also said Jodie Nichols is going to Huddersfield too. This is not particularly good news as she really gets on my nerves. She used to be my best mate at primary school but then she started ignoring me and now she’s really false when she smiles or says hi and stuff. Plus she was openly flirting with Jake once when she thought I wasn’t there.

Grandma’s still in hospital. If something happens to her and everyone goes up to Scotland, I won’t want to go to Barcelona. I don’t know what to do if the worst happens.

Jake’s not got a job in that architect’s office cos there was nowt for him to do. He’s now decided he wants a job in the Quiksilver shop in Manchester.

Bye!

Tuesday 26th Gethin asked Jake round to his house this morning and I have to say that I was quite a bit pissed off. It was mainly because I felt left out cos he’s meant to be friends with both of us but he’d chosen Jake over me and could’ve asked us both. Also, I know Gethin used to fancy Jake and, even though I know Jake’s not gay, I still don’t like the thought of Gethin being alone with him cos that’s what Gethin would want.

So, I decided to send Gethin a short text message, just to let him know I wasn’t entirely happy, saying, “Why is it that you never ask anyone else round to your on their own? Hmm, I wonder.”

Then about 5 minutes later, the phone rang. It was Gethin asking what the message was in aid of. I told him basically what the problem was and then ended the conversation and thought that was the end of it.

However, when Jake came to mine afterwards, we fell out over it cos he couldn’t see why I felt left out. He started saying stuff about uni too and how we’ll have to have our own friends then. I pointed out that this was different cos we’re both friends with Gethin and I don’t have a problem with him going out without me with his mates that I don’t know as well.

I couldn’t stop crying but then I was also upset about Grandma at the same time cos Mum rang me from work and said she’s really ill.

We eventually made up and he went to Venture Scouts.

Bye!

Threesomes and foursomes and incest and stuff – 23rd June 2001

Saturday 23rd It was sooo nice waking up with Jake this morning. We didn’t get up for quite a while cos it was nice just lying there. When we were all finally out of bed, we attempted to make breakfast. I did scrambled eggs, Michael did pancakes and Sarah did toast and bacon. Jake served it all up.

We were at Sarah’s nearly all day before going home and then meeting all our other friends in The Dog to do The Run. Cat really pissed me off at one point by having a go at me for asking her very loudly if she was going to “shag” Floyd. I didn’t say that at all. I know because I wouldn’t have phrased it like that. She must’ve just misheard something else but she wouldn’t listen to me when I said I hadn’t said that.

Everyone went back to Sarah’s tonight. We all sat about for a bit before going to bed. We all got out of bed again though to look at the dodgy books Cat and Gethin found in Sarah’s parents’ room. There was one that explained about threesomes and foursomes and incest and stuff. Weird!

Jake and I did stuff but he didn’t ask if I wanted to this time, he just assumed. He assumed right though. We talked for ages and I know we’re being doubly careful as I’m on the pill for my skin but it was still in the back of my mind about that there could be a tiny chance of an accident somehow. So I asked Jake what he’d do if that happened, just as a matter of interest. He said he definitely wouldn’t dump me and would support me in whatever I wanted to do but seemed in favour of abortion if anything happened at our age because we haven’t got any money etc.

He said ideally he’d want to have kids in his early 30s and would want 2 of them (a boy first then a girl). He said he’d rather have 2 girls than 2 boys cos he reckons they’d be easier. He also told me he wants to marry me again but said after uni cos he want to travel round the world first. When I asked him who with, I was hoping he’d say me but instead he said Charlie Wilson and a couple of other mates cos they all said they would. I wasn’t even mentioned! 😦

I then got pissed off (cos when he got back from Canada he said he wouldn’t go anywhere without me again) then I got upset and then tried to get a moth out of the room and managed to break the curtains. Jake then apologised and cuddled me but then said something about Wick which upset me even more cos it doesn’t look like we’re going this year cos Auntie S isn’t coping very well with looking after Grandma L cos she’s old and has lots wrong with her.

Jake then got upset too because I was upset and said he never wants to go anywhere without me again but just didn’t think when I asked cos he didn’t think I’d want to go with the lads. It’d still have been nice if he’d wanted to go with me though.

Bye!

I’ve got to stop this paranoia! – 18th & 19th June 2001

Monday 18th I was in a bit of a better mood this morning and all that stuff I wrote last night now seems completely stupid!

However, my exam this afternoon has pissed me off completely. It was the physiology section of Sports Studies and we had 2 hours to do 4 long questions. I just don’t see the point of doing pages and pages of notes on loads of different things when the exam only covers 4 small areas. Typically, those 4 areas were also on the thinks that I didn’t particularly understand. Oh well, only one more exam to go now.

Jake gets back from Scotland tonight and I was expecting to see him cos he said he should be able to get here. I really need a hug after this weekend and that exam today but he’s just texted me today he won’t be able to get here cos his dad’s been driving all day and his bro’s too tired. I don’t think he’s all that bothered about seeing me actually cos surely he could get a bus or a taxi like he normally does.

Urgh, I’ve got to stop this paranoia! It’s not doing me any good. He probably doesn’t feel like hanging round for buses etc. after travelling all day and he probably wants a shower and bed. I’ll just have to see him tomorrow instead cos I doubt I’ll do any revision tomorrow evening anyway. He’d better bring the chocolate he bought me. I need it!

Bye!

Tuesday 19th It’s Dad’s birthday today! I’m not sure how old he is actually. Hang on, he was born in 1946 so he must be… erm… 55(?). I hate maths!!

I’m feeling much better today anyway and very much loved! Jake came at about 4:30pm and kept hugging me and telling me I was nice and stuff. I didn’t see him for very long cos he had Venture Scouts but I was left with plenty of chocolate to eat!

Bye!

My personality’s obviously not enough! – 17th June 2001

Sunday 17th I got a bit upset this afternoon during a break from my mad last-minute cramming-style revision. I was just lying on my bed and thinking (I really shouldn’t do that!) and I just suddenly found myself crying.

There are 3 things that are bothering me most at the moment. They are:

  1. The fact that I’ve become thick over the last few weeks and it’s looking very unlikely that I’ll get 14 points for uni.
  2. It doesn’t seem likely that we’ll be going to Wick this summer cos my Auntie S is stressed about my Grandma L.
  3. I’m feeling a bit insecure about me and Jake.

Recently I have been a bit worried about me and Jake due to the Suzanna thing and the fact that I know other people fancy him too so the worry that one day he’ll like one of the people who like him more than he likes me has come to my mind. However, a conversation we had on the phone when he finally decided to ring me after playing rounders with a bunch of Cub Scouts at 11pm yesterday has added to my insecurities.

Somehow we got on to the subject of no sex again. I started off joking, asking would he go off me if I never ever wanted to. He said he wouldn’t be able to not do it forever so I narrowed it down to 10 years, the 5 years, then 1 year but he was still saying he couldn’t do without. I mean, we’ve only ever done it twice and neither time was exactly brilliant so then I started to worry. I realised that he was saying he’d go off me if I didn’t want to do it and he’s also said he wouldn’t like me as much with no legs. It sounds like he doesn’t like me for my personality at all otherwise he’d love me whatever, surely?

That conversation make me think of Barcelona and the fact that I might not be able to do much there cos my period’s due. I’m worried that he’ll be pissed off cos he sounds keen to make the most of the few nights we’ve got there. He’s usually understanding about that though cos he knows I can’t exactly help it.

Oh I don’t know. My self-esteem’s just gone way down. I feel a bit of a mess (looks-wise) at the moment so what if Jake notices? Will he go off me or what?

The other thing that’s at the back of my mind is that what if, one day, I have to come of the pills for my skin and my spots flare up again. I remember him once commenting ages ago how awful someone’s acne looked. There’s no way he’d want to be seen with me if my skin got bad again, is there? My personality’s obviously not enough!

His comments about models in magazines and stuff don’t help either. I mean, fair enough, I ask him if he’d fancy them but he always says yes. That’s what worries me. What if someone who looked like them liked him? He wouldn’t like me as much, I’m sure.

All this insecurity really started when he started saying he couldn’t talk to me about stuff (e.g. his mum) when we got into that argument the other week. It sounds like he doesn’t trust me. I’m always moaning about stuff to him but he never does it back. I can’t help it, I’m just scared one day he’ll get sick of me whinging about things

Ugh, I don’t know what’s up with me at the moment. I think I am stressed about exams and that’s the underlying thing. Plus uni is looming (providing I get in!) and I have to say, I am a bit nervous about it. That could also be when I lose Jake if we meet new people cos so many people I know have split up, even if they went to the same place. I don’t want that to happen to us.

Hearing that his dad doesn’t like me and his bro’s been slagging me off haven’t exactly boosted my confidence either. My family like Jake and I’d like it if his family liked me too and made me feel welcome.

I think I just need Jake to reassure me really. He says he loves me all the time and I believe him but I need to hear why he loves me, I think. I need him to tell me spontaneously too, without me having to say something first or having to be upset and he just says stuff to make me feel better. That’s probably not going to happen but still, I need to hear something positive right now to stop me feeling so fed up.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that he fancied me for ages before we got together and there must be reasons for that.

Bye!

P.S. I’ve just spoken to Jake on the phone and got a bit upset. I told him my worry about him finding someone else he likes more than me. Instead of saying it WON’T happen, he just kept saying he hopes it doesn’t. He’s not ruling it out completely then! Ohh, I really need a hug!

I’m not thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have told him that I’m feeling a bit insecure and why cos he doesn’t really have to worry about things like that about me so it’s like he’s in a better position than me so he’s kind of in control. For example, if we split up, he’s good looking and I’m pretty normal so he’s more likely to find someone else.

Oh, I really do think way too much!