Stupid, soppy, American-high-school-style “group hug” – 30th June & 1st July 2000

Friday 30th to Saturday 1st Friday was really good in the end! I’ve been sort of dreading it all week cos it’s the last Friday I’ll have had with Jake for a few weeks. 🙂

During the day, Jake, Gethin and I went round to Sarah’s cos we had the day off cos of that Warrington Walking Day thing. We didn’t really do much then, as usual. We just sat about chatting and eating. Every so often, Jake or I would groan when we remembered we’re going to be split up for a while and he kept hugging me really hard or squeezing my hand really tightly.

We weren’t at Sarah’s all that long cos Jake had to go and have his hair cut so he dropped Gethin off at home so we could get our stuff to change into for the evening. It was then he told us that this’d be one of our last rides in the Beetle cos it was going to be restored and he was only going to be insured for the Polo. He won’t look right without that car! As Gethin said, it’ll make him too normal!

When we got back to Sarah’s we changed into our going out clothes and Sarah managed to persuade her mum to let the lads stay over so Jake didn’t have to drive on his last night out with us all. So, we ordered a taxi and headed for the Trafford Centre. We planned to try out all the bars there but we agreed that if we got IDed twice, we’d give up!

First we went to Tiggi’s. I was sure my mum’d said it was over 21s only but Sarah convinced us otherwise! It turned out I was right! Jake didn’t even bother trying to get served once he’d seen the sign! You see, he’d had his hair cut and it made him look even younger than usual!

Next we tried Manto’s. We didn’t really like it in there cos it was really boring looking so after the bloke told Jake we all needed ID, we didn’t even try to stay. Instead we went in Starbucks. It was the last time we’ll sit on our table on the balcony there with Jake for 3 or more weeks! While we were sat there, we all agreed to get a taxi to The Dog cos we wanted proper drinks and we know it’s nice and friendly in there!

When we arrived, that’s when we started to enjoy the night quite a bit more. Sarah and Gethin ended up snogging. My suspicions are that Gethin wouldn’t have done that had Lizzie not been going away for a few weeks to Cyprus! I won’t tell Sarah what I think this time though cos she won’t want to hear something like that!

The proper realisation that Jake and I were going to be split up set in properly while we were sat there hugging the hell out of each other! He came to the conclusion that it’s good that we’re going to miss each other so much cos it must mean we really love each other. I think he’s probably right. He also told me, “I love you sooooo much!” which was extremely nice to hear and especially cos it was accompanied by another big hug! I told him how much I’m going to miss him too which is a lot, believe me!

We decided to walk to the Chinese takeaway then cos Jake was hungry. We had to keep stopping and hugging and squeezing each other! I’d explained to him that it wasn’t so much the 3 weeks of being separated that bothered me (although it does a lot and I made sure he knows that) but the fact that it’s triggered off thoughts of how bad it’s going to be when he goes away for 3 months to Canada. This is awful now so what the hell’s it going to be like then?!

He told me that he was meeting the English people he’d be going with sometime soon I think and I must have groaned or something cos he told me that he’d be paranoid too if it was me going to Canada (I found out it’s Banff he’s going to) but he swore that nothing will happen with him and another girl cos it’s me he loves and he doesn’t want to wreck that and he couldn’t love anyone more than me anyway. He actually stopped me and was holding me by the shoulders and looking me straight in the eyes while he was saying it which made me feel like he was being dead serious! I suppose that’s good really!

We got our Chinese food and went and sat on the raised bit coming off the old railway station building by the bridge in my village to eat it. When we were done, Jake and I went and sat round the side on some steps leading up to the track. We just kissed but had to stop when the taxi came. Bad timing!

When we got back to Sarah’s, Gethin made us have a stupid, soppy, American-high-school -style “group hug” and then Jake and I had a quick kiss round the side of Sarah’s house before going in. Sarah made us go to bed so we wouldn’t wake her mum and dad up. Unfortunately, I was on the camp bed in Sarah’s room and Jake and Gethin were in the spare room. We just happened to meet on the landing at one point and had another quick kiss before going to bed.

Once I was all snuggled up in the sleeping bag I’d been given, I got a message on my phone. It was from Jake saying, “I LOVE YOU!!! : ) TONIGHT WAS GREAT! LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS! I’M GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH I’LL SEE YOU IN EVERYONE I MEET ALONG THE WAY…” and then, “I WON’T BE ABLE TO GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY MIND! LOVE YOU FOREVER!!! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him that I wished Gethin and I could swap beds and told him how much I love him etc. too and told him to stop saying nice things cos I’d only end up crying, and he said, “I WISH YOU COULD TOO! DON’T CRY – ALTHOUGH I’M REALLY TOUCHED – YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME! GLAD IT WASN’T A CRAP NIGHT – I’M GONNA REMEMBER IT FOREVER! LOVE YOU!!! xJx”.

This morning, I woke up to hear Gethin and Jake chatting away like a pair of girls! Sarah and I went in to see them first to see if they wanted anything to drink or whatever. Sarah’s mum went out to the gym so Jake ventured into Sarah’s room and sat on the camp bed with me. Sarah and Gethin went to do some ironing (or so they said!) so we were left alone. Neither of us wanted to let go of each other so there were more tight hugs and squeezing of hands.

He kept stamping his foot or hitting the pillow with his fist and saying it wasn’t fair. He told me that he never expected the Europe trip to actually happen and that it probably wouldn’t have done had Charlie Wilson not have been organising it! He said they were only going so they can say they’ve been.

Mid hug, he said, “Ohhh, baby!” which surprised me cos it’s a very un-Jake thing to say but I didn’t mind, it just made me smile! We were just sat there looking at each other and he sort of grinned and said he was going to end up crying! Then we kissed for a bit when we knew Gethin and Sarah were definitely downstairs and at one point he was lying on top of me and just looked at me, grinned and said, “You’re gorgeous!” That pleased me!

He then just came out with that he still can’t believe we’re actually going out! He’s not the only one who feels like that sometimes! We carried on kissing then someone knocked on the door and it turned out Sarah’s mum was back from the gym so we had to stop cos Sarah and Gethin came and sat in the room with us! All Jake said was, “I don’t believe this!” cos that’s pretty much what happened at Floyd’s that time!

Anyway, we had to go home eventually cos Jake got a message saying he had to go and get some timetables. Luckily I had one nail varnish remover pad in my bag so he could take off the lilac nail varnish I’d put on him in The Dog! He left the nails of his two little fingers as a “reminder” and said he’d still have it on next time I see him. We’ll see!

He also gave me the Pluto toy out of a McDonald’s Happy Meal that had been in his car cos he’ll have the Polo from now on!

This evening, Jake’s dad dropped him off at my house for about an hour and a half so we could say goodbye properly. He sprayed my watch strap with his Ted Baker stuff and I sprayed his with my Boots Poppy body spray cos that’s the smell of each other that they first had when we swapped had worn off. All I can smell is him now every time my watch goes near my nose!

All we did was sit on my bed and kiss and cuddle for one last time. We played the songs that remind us of each other which are Freaky Time by Point Break, Amazed by Lonestar, that If Only by Hanson which cheers us up and he said that Don’t Call Me Baby by Madison Avenue reminds him of me cos I play it a lot and it’s always on when he come to my house or I send him a message!

He kept telling me to stop looking at him like I was doing with my “big, brown eyes” cos it was making him not want to go. He told me that he likes me cos I’m so happy and smiley all the time! He might change his mind about that if he could see how miserable I am now he’s gone!

We’d been dreading his dad arriving to pick him up but eventually he did. Jake and I stood in the middle of my room and hugged and kissed quickly. He then held my head and told me he loves me and that I make him so happy and that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him! I nearly cried by just about managed to control myself!

I went downstairs with him to find my dad and his dad talking about a painting of the Albert Hall on our wall.

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[Still there.]

The last I saw of Jake was him walking out of my front door, waving and saying, “Bye!” in his bright orange Holland footy shirt, jeans and wide Pod shows with his hair all spiky. I’m not going to be able to forget that image of him!

Bye!

[Judging by the level of detail in the diary entry, I was pretty damn sure Jake would manage to die whilst on holiday and I was never, ever going to see him again.]

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Every so often he’d keep saying, “Hey man!” – 23rd June 2000

Friday 23rd Other than the Geography exam which I didn’t finish (ran out of time), today was pretty good!

I saw Jake for most of the morning because he and his mates were sorting stuff out for their Europe trip in college. I realised that we really don’t talk much to each other but the silences aren’t awkward anymore! That’s good, I suppose! All we really did was sit in the common room and cuddle or hold hands.

I saw him again after college for quite a while when our exams were over (he’d had a practical one for Physics). Then we just sat on a table and cuddled! I just don’t want to let go of him at the moment cos I know he’s going away in about a week. We got chance to kiss properly too cos college was so quiet due to most people being on exam leave.

Tonight, Hayley, Sarah, Gethin, Jake and I all went out to The Dog. We were joined by the Appleton lot because Sarah’s been keeping in contact with Maz. He turned up along with Nathan Holmes, Gavin Bilson and his girlfriend Laura, some lad called Milo and another lad whose name I don’t know.

Sarah and Maz just snogged all night and Gethin and Hayley got bored so ended up walking home earlier than the rest of us.

Jake and I just cuddled again and talked. I asked him why the hell he first liked me cos I don’t exactly stand out and he told me that, ages ago, Emma had told him that I had one of the nicest figures she knew of and he’d noticed and agreed! He was also saying how he’s so glad I’m a nice person too (hmm!) cos he didn’t really know me and I couldn’t turned out to be a right bitch! He also said that he doesn’t understand why I first liked him either!

Later I was just sat there and I caught him just staring at me and grinning! I asked him why he was doing it and he told me I’m just nice to look at!

All night at various points he’d just groan to himself (but still smiling!) and snuggle up more or squeeze me tighter! When I asked why, he just kept saying that it was cos he didn’t want to be split up from me and stuff! I agreed and started moaning too and he said he thought he was going to cry! He said he couldn’t squeeze me as hard as he wants to cos he’d crush me and he wouldn’t want that!

To anyone else, hearing him say stuff like that would probably make them want to puke but I think he is soooo sweet and really don’t want him to go anywhere. He told me that if he could go back in time he wouldn’t go to Canada either.

Sarah left with the Appleton lot so Jake and I walked to the Chinese and then back to mine on our own. We ate and then went and lay on the sofa in the back room and kissed and cuddled again. I was very jumpy cos I knew my Dad could get back from the pub at any time. Abby and Connor got in first but when they went to bed (Connor stopped in the spare room), Jake and I got back on the sofa.

Then my dad did get in so we went and sat in the kitchen instead. I thought Dad was just drunk cos he staggered in, grinning and slurring his words whilst making a coffee. Then he said, “I was alright until I had that… erm…” then he stopped to look for something and Jake and I were expecting him to name some drink. But then he said, “I only had a couple of drags but it doesn’t half work quickly!”

We were both sat in shock as Dad went on about these spliffs being passed round in The Mossland pub and how he thought he might as well try it!! Then every so often he’d keep saying, “Hey man!” or something! It was soooo funny (although slightly embarrassing!) and when he’d gone we just burst out laughing and Jake said, “You’ve got a top dad!!”

Unfortunately, Jake had to leave eventually to get his taxi home but I got a couple of messages off him. One just said that the taxi driver was getting lost and the other said, “WELL WORTH STAYING AT YOURS – GOT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU AND SEE YOUR TOP DAD – MELLOW YELLOW MAN! : ) LOVE YOU TO BITS!!! xxx JAKE xxx”.

I love him sooooooo much!!!

Bye!

What the hell am I supposed to do now??! – 18th June 2000

Sunday 18th Sarah was being normal with me again this morning but then I think she knows I wasn’t all that pleased with her last night.

I got a message off Gethin before saying Jake and I are 2 of the most antisocial people he knows and that Floyd’s annoyed with us. I sent him one back saying that I didn’t really feel like socialising with him or Sarah after they’d been so nasty and I asked why Floyd was annoyed.

Then Gethin phoned me. He said Floyd was annoyed cos we hardly spoke to anyone and that Sarah wasn’t pleased either. Apparently she said something to Henry Rockwell about it but I’m not sure what exactly. He really upset me and I couldn’t help but cry so I couldn’t say what I wanted to properly. He started going on about how, whenever we go out, it’s never on our own but then we pretty much ignore everyone else.

If I didn’t go out with them though, they’d be even more annoyed and if I didn’t go out with Jake, he would be. I can’t win! I go out with everyone to try not to cause that sort of trouble but it’s obviously not worked! What the hell am I supposed to do now??!

Hayley phoned before and told me she’s found a potential new boyfriend in the form of a cricketer at the Sports Club. That’s good cos he must be better than Andy! I told her what Gethin said and she thinks they’re being really unfair and selfish. I’m so glad she doesn’t agree with them! For all the times she’s been a pain in the neck and stuff, she’s still a good mate and usually sticks by me. She reckons Sarah’s jealous of me and Jake cos we’re happy together. I think Hayley understands more about why I want to be with Jake because she’s the same with Andy.

I sent Jake a message before asking if he got Gethin’s message cos Gethin said he’s sent him one saying pretty much the same as in the one he’d sent me. Jake’s reply was, “YEH I’VE JUST GOT IT! WELL WHAT DOES HE EXPECT? NOT MY FAULT I’M BESOTTED WITH YOU! WAIT – GETHIN JUST PHONED – ARE YOU UPSET WITH SARAH? HE SAYS YOU WERE REALLY UPSET! : (“.

This evening, I got an apology from Gethin that stretched over 7 text messages! It basically said how he’s so, so sorry and didn’t want to make me cry and how he’s just worried about me cos I’m going to need my mates when Jake goes away, blah, blah blah… more soppy crap about how much he cares about me… blah, blah… and how I can talk to him any time etc!

I didn’t answer cos I’m still quite annoyed because he had no right to say what he said cos he’d be no better if he had a girlfriend/boyfriend! He also apologised for saying what he said cos it was out of order. Too right it was!! I just want to know what triggered it all.

He seemed to think I was upset cos I’ve fallen out with Sarah which I haven’t. I spoke to her earlier and she reckons he was a bit over the top too. Maz P phoned her earlier so she’s happy!

I sent Jake a message to let him know Gethin had apologised and he replied saying that Gethin’s just concerned about me and that he is too. He said he doesn’t like seeing or hearing about me getting upset cos I’m not the type to get upset unless something’s really bothered me. He said he cares about me and doesn’t want to worry when he’s on holiday but that he will do all the time!

I sent him another telling him not to worry and that he shouldn’t have to bother about me while he’s away. He replied, “BUT I WANT TO BE BOTHERED ABOUT YOU! I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU ANYWAY – NEVER MIND WHEN I’M NOT GONNA SEE YOU! IT’S JUST NOT LIKE YOU…” and then, “YOU’RE SO STRONG AND MOTIVATED! I EXPECT IT FROM HAYLEY BUT NOT FROM YOU! I WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY AND SMILING – ALL THE TIME! I LOVE YOU! x”.

The second message made me feel like I’ve let him down or something because I got upset! I don’t think he meant it like that though.

He said he’s in college for an exam tomorrow so I’ll see him at lunch hopefully. He’s not mentioned anything about the funeral or anything so I’m not sure what’s going on there.

Bye!

I can’t get any of it out of my head – 13th June 2000

Tuesday 13th First thing this morning, Bhakti came into our common room looking for Jake. He wasn’t in at that point so she came and spoke to me. She asked how he was and I had to say I didn’t know. She asked about the funeral and I had to say I didn’t know.

She seemed to think it was yesterday because he’d told her they were having it on Monday cos it’s his mum’s birthday. I told her that it’s probably next Monday cos that’s when her birthday is – on the 19th. That’s the only thing I could tell her, although if I hadn’t know when his mum’s birthday is, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her that either. She told me that people were asking for his address so they can send him cards and stuff. Also that his grades will go up by one too.

I get the feeling that people think I’m awful for not knowing anything about the situation and that I should but I don’t ask cos I don’t care. The truth is I do care but I don’t know anything because he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask because I’m scared of him resenting me for making him talk about something that he doesn’t want to talk about.

I think most people know what’s happened now. At 2nd lesson, just before Jake arrived, Freda told me she’d heard about his mum cos Miranda’s been invited to the funeral. This filled me with panic because if Miranda’s going and hasn’t even been going out with Robbie that long, what if Jake asks me??

I wouldn’t know what to do if he asked me to go. I’d feel awful saying no if he wanted me to be there but, if I went, I know I’d probably get upset by it and I’d also feel really uncomfortable because Jake’s kept me out of that part of his life really. I’d feel like I had no right to be there, as if I was intruding. Hopefully he won’t put me in that position. I’ve also got a Sports Studies mock exam on Monday but I could hardly use that as an excuse cos it seems so unimportant compared to someone’s funeral.

Sarah doesn’t think he’ll ask me because he’s kept me separate from it all so far but as soon as I told Hayley when the funeral is, she expected me to be going along without him even asking me. Abby says that if he asks me I “have to go” really. I’m so confused about what I should do.

I keep telling myself to forget about it for now and worry about it if he does ask me to go but then if he did and I hadn’t thought about it, I’d be stuck for words again. I’d planned the sort of thing I’d say to him when he told me she’d died but when it came to it though, my mind went totally blank. I just don’t know what to do.

He was being okay again when he came in. Bhakti found him and started talking to him about funerals and stuff so I left them to it because, again, I felt like it was a conversation that I shouldn’t have been listening to. I don’t know if that was the case though.

At the end of lunch, I asked if he was staying for the rest of the afternoon. He said no and that he wouldn’t see me until Friday. He didn’t say why and, yet again, I didn’t want to ask for fear of making him tell me something he didn’t want to.

In all my lessons after that, I felt like crying and if someone had raised their voice to me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to help it. I’ve kept crying a bit all evening at various times, mainly through the frustration of not being able to concentrate on revision because of all this and because I keep thinking about it all. I can’t get any of it out of my head.

At some point this week, I can see myself just crying uncontrollably because everything’s building up. I also remembered before that Jake’s going away in a few weeks for a month and I’m hardly getting to see him now. That’s really selfish, isn’t it? He’s got good reasons for not being around so much.

If I do snap, I really don’t want him to be around or anyone to tell him because I don’t think he realises this is all affecting me quite so much (although this is probably nothing compared to him and his family) and I don’t want him to have to worry about me as well or him to think I’m stupid for getting upset cos it’s not a member of my family that’s died recently.

I can’t get my head round all this. There’s no way I’m going to pass any of my exams so I don’t know how the heck Jake and Robbie are managing.

Bye!

Trouser equipment models – 10th & 11th June 2000

Saturday 10th I got a message from Jake this morning saying he’d been to Manchester. I think I remember him saying he was going for stuff for his Europe train thing. I don’t want him to go there either, although I don’t want to stop him!

Hayley phoned before. I said something about Jake not wanting to stay at home last night and she asked if it was his mum was worse or something. I ended up telling her what’s happened cos she’s known she’s been ill and, again, I didn’t want to lie. I still feel like I shouldn’t have said anything though.

Bye!

Sunday 11th Mum took me, Cat and Lizzie to the Sheffield Hallam open day. We got a puncture on the M62 and had to wait about 30 mins for the AA. We were 9 miles from Huddersfield (nearest place) and the AA man was from there (he said it’s good for nights out!). Mum reckons it’s a sign I should go there! At this point in time, I hope I can!

We finally arrived at Sheffield. I didn’t like the actual place much but the Collegiate Crescent campus is really nice. I think, so far, it’s my second choice after Huddersfield (if I have a choice).

We met up with an old friend of Cat’s called Claire. She seems nice. We wandered round, went to the Physiotherapy lecture then came home. I’ve decided I’m not that bothered if I don’t get to do Physiotherapy anymore.

I cut this out of a newspaper magazine cos I thought it was a bit odd the way at which some of it links with each other. →

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Jake’s Libra, I’m Scorpio, by the way. It’s probably bollocks and they probably all link if you think about them enough but never mind!

Gethin was telling me on the phone today that on Friday before we went out, Jake had been reading an FHM magazine. Apparently he’s spent most of his time looking at an article on some woman that makes blokes’ trouser equipment models out of clay and also an article on how to improve your kissing!

It’s the kissing one that interested me most cos Gethin said it was stuff about kissing necks and ears, and something about top and bottom lips. I did actually notice that Jake’s been kissing my neck and ears more recently! I’d rather he didn’t but I wonder if it FHM thing is why!!

Gethin also keeps going on about how I should get a cowboy hat etc. cos it’d really make Jake happy and that he’d do anything for me if I wore the gear! Gethin’s beginning to annoy me now by keeping on saying it but I have to say, if I had money, I’d be tempted to spend it on that!!

Bye!

We just sat there and cuddled – 9th June 2000

Friday 9th Jake sent me 2 messages in a row last night when he got in from work. I’d sent one saying how I was psyching myself up for Miss P’s lesson tomorrow and he said, “HELLO!!! : ) PSYCHED UP?! JUST SPOKEN 2 HUGO – I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BUT THE FACT THAT…” then, “YOU LOVE ME AND YOU ARE THERE FOR ME IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! I KNOW I’D BE THE SAME! I WON’T SEEM THAT UPSET COS I BOTTLE IT UP! JUST GLAD IT’S OVER! LOVE YOU xJx”.

After that message, I couldn’t help it and I just burst into tears. I am glad he said all that though cos it made me less worried about seeing him today.

At 3rd period, I was on my way to Geography and Miranda came up to me and Sarah and asked if I was Tessa. I’m so glad she came and spoke to me because she started off just asking how Jake was and then said how she was really worried about seeing Robbie cos she doesn’t want to say anything in case it upsets him but then doesn’t want to not say anything in case he thinks she doesn’t care. She told me that it’s really upset her cos she wasn’t expecting it and it hadn’t quite sunk in.

I told her that I was worried about exactly the same things and that it’d upset me too. She asked how I’d found out and told me she’d found out when she’d phoned Robbie and it’d sounded like he’d been crying and he’d told her what’d happened. She’s also got the additional worry of Clara because she’s in her year and used to be quite good friends with her.

She told me to find her if I came up with any ideas of what to say. I said the same.

I think I’ll go and find Miranda on Monday if I can and see how things went if she’s seen/spoken to Robbie. Talking to her made me feel a bit better cos it let me know that my reactions weren’t stupid or anything.

Jake came into college at lunch. He didn’t mention anything so neither did I. Bhakti came in to talk to him (very loudly!) so I went to the garage and left them to it. I’d heard her say that all his mates were waiting to see him downstairs. That’s what I wouldn’t like – everyone wanting to see you and stuff.

He was being fine with me when I got back. We just sat there and cuddled. We didn’t talk much but then we don’t really need to anymore cos the silences aren’t awkward. We hugged and kissed after college when everyone else had gone. He had to go cos he was getting his hair cut but he was coming out tonight.

We went to The Dog again but Hayley didn’t come so it was just me, Jake, Gethin and Sarah. Emma was also there with Suzanna so they came and sat with us.

Jake didn’t get as drunk as last week so we talked quite a lot. I can’t remember what started it off but he said he wouldn’t want Gethin to draw the same conclusions as he did about that Tuesday night in the holidays! He grinned at me knowingly and I apologised for playing all innocent! I told him I didn’t have my Magic 8 Ball with me but he said it didn’t matter cos it’d told him what he wanted to hear least week! He then said things like he can’t ever imagine being without me and that he wants to be with me forever. I agreed! He told me he loved me on more than one occasion too.

As usual, the Canada subject came up. He kept saying he didn’t want to go anymore cos he can’t even cope with me for a few days! I told him that I didn’t want him to go and he said that I was making him feel guilty! I started saying how I can’t help but worry that he’ll forget about me or meet someone else cos he’ll be with a load of new people whereas I won’t. He said he’d probably be paranoid too if it was the other way round but that how could he forget me?! He stressed the point that he won’t do anything with anyone else either. Good!

Again, the university conversation started. He said that we won’t split up if I don’t go to Huddersfield even if it’s a long was away. I hope he’s right but, realistically, I can’t see it happening. Anyway, hopefully I’ll end up at Huddersfield with him!

We walked back to the next village, stopping off at the Chinese and then my house to get forks. Jake and I stopped quite a few times. We were longest down that path through the trees again. All we did was kiss and cuddle but it was nice. He was moaning that he couldn’t smell cos he’s got a cold cos he said I usually smell nice and that he wanted to be able to smell it!

We stopped outside school too. We could see Sarah and Gethin so we could tell if they were getting bored. When we were there, we decided that we’re a bit hopeless really cos neither of us wanted to leave the other one!

We eventually joined Sarah and Gethin, and Sarah rang a taxi. It was late so we sat on a bench outside school and waited. Jake told me to sit on his knee and when I refused he kept saying, “please” over and over again! His excuse was cos it’d keep him warm but I still though it a bit odd! I gave in in the end though.

He seemed okay all night. You’d never have guessed that something bad’s happened to him cos he seemed quite cheerful. I thought he was more relaxed too but it could’ve just been cos he’s tired or something.

I hope he really is alright, I just can’t always tell.

Bye!

I denied all knowledge of the stains – 5th June 2000

Monday 5th I got some more messages off Jake in the night. I’d been lying in bed, thinking about stuff we’d done together over the time we’ve been going out so I sent him a message asking if he was still awake and then which night together he thought was best. He replied, “I’M AWAKE! HMMM IT WOULD EITHER BE LAST TUES AT GETH’S, THE FRI YOU LEANT ME YOUR FLEECE, THE NIGHT WE MET – HAPPIEST NIGHT EVER! – OR FRI BUT I’D WANT TO DO IT AGAIN SO I COULD CHEER U UP! WHY? xJx”.

I told him I’d just been wondering and then said that we never know what’s going to happen and we might have even better nights yet to come! He said, “I HOPE SO!!! : ) IF THAT WAS THE WORST IT’S GONNA GET I CAN LIVE WITH IT! I’M GLAD WE’VE TAKEN THINGS AS WE HAVE COS THERE’S NO RUSH! I LOVE YOU xxx JAKE xxx”.

I hope we’ve not spoken too soon saying that the worst night was on Friday and stuff! I told him I’m glad we haven’t rushed it too and then asked how come he’s so patient cos other lads usually push girls to go all the way pretty quickly. He said, “DON’T KNOW COS I’M NOT THE PATIENT TYPE! THEN AGAIN I’VE LEARNT A LOT ABOUT MYSELF! NEVER THOUGHT I’D FIND SOMEONE I LOVED THIS MUCH!! YOU’RE TOO GOOD TO LOSE! xJx”.

I really can’t believe he loves me!! 🙂 He makes me so happy!! The way this has all gone and is still going is one of those relationships where, if we were in a soap opera, it’d be going really well and then something bad happens! I hope it doesn’t end up like a Titanic or Romeo and Juliet sort of ending!!

Sorry, that’s so negative! I mean, things like this have gone well and have lasted forever for other people so why shouldn’t it for us?! It just all seems too good to be true at the moment!

Anyway, I sent him another message telling him to let me know if his patience ever definitely runs out. He then said, “OK BUT I DON’T THINK IT WILL! I MIGHT WANT AN ‘EVEN BETTER NIGHT’ BEFORE I GO TO A PLACE I’M NOT GONNA SAY THE NAME OF!? DO YOU BELIEVE IN FATE?! xJx”.

I told him I wasn’t sure about fate but that I was sure he might not be the only one who might want an ‘even better night’ before he goes to Canada! I am getting to the stage now where I might want to take things further with him. It’s only really the fear of the possible consequences that’s stopping me.

This morning he texted me and told me that he’d asked if I believed in fate cos he thinks we were meant to be together. He could be right!

It was back to college today unfortunately! Gethin was announcing very loudly to people that he’s got to wash his brother’s sheets cos of them being covered in stains! He’d narrowed it down to me and Jake somehow but I denied all knowledge of the stains and even lied to Sarah that nothing had happened. I suppose I just don’t want people to make a fuss/take the piss/think I’m showing off or anything. Some people just don’t get that I’d rather keep stuff to myself.

Sarah eventually found out that on Friday night, Gethin had discovered the stains and apparently he and Jake had been laughing and joking about how they got there but then, as soon as Gethin suggested it could have been me and Jake, Jake went bright red and said it had nowt to do with me. When I acted all innocent on the subject today, Gethin drew his own conclusions that Jake had been entertaining himself so I got annoyed with Gethin for interfering and warned Jake about what Gethin thought. Jake started worrying, saying that he’d never even consider doing that in someone else’s bed and that he’d never be able to show his face around college if Gethin told people his theory! He sent Gethin a message then to deny it and I had a go at Gethin so he said he was sorry. He should just leave it now.

I need to see Jake!! I don’t know how the hell I’m going to cope when we’re apart for longer! He kept saying he missed me in messages and stuff today.

Bye!