I need hugs all the time – 10th January 2001

Wednesday 10th That’s it, my last day with Jake over. 😦

This is what I wrote in my card to him. →

Letter to Jake

I didn’t go to college this morning because I’m not going to see him for so long so he came round to my house. When he came in, we just didn’t say anything and hugged instead which made us both cry a bit. We were both really tired so we went and lay on my bed and actually wasted time by falling asleep. It was nice though!

He took me to McDonald’s for lunch before I went to my biology lesson. I needed to go because Mr C was going through something that I haven’t understood.

When I met up with him again, we got a few photos of us copied for him to take with him and then we went to his house for a while so he could sort some stuff out.

We ate our last Chinese together for tea and then went to watch Charlie’s Angels at the cinema at the Trafford Centre in an attempt to take our minds off him leaving. It was a good film and we discovered you can move the armrests to make a double seat. It’s a shame we never discovered that before! We had a few really good kisses too!

I hadn’t got upset until he drove us back and we sat in the car park on Hodge Drive. We talked a bit but were mainly in floods of tears. He was crying so hard I was worrying about him at one point!

He drove me home at about 1am and we sat on my drive for a bit. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car and leave him! We just couldn’t stop crying but we eventually had one last kiss and one last hug before I counted to 3 in my head and got out of the car. We waved at each other as he drove off and I watched him until I couldn’t see him round the corner.

When I got in, Mum was in bed but still awake and she have me a hug and told me it’d be okay. I hope she’s right! I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him. I just love him so much!

I can’t believe I’m not going to be able to see him or touch him now. I need hugs all the time but he won’t be here anymore. 😦

He’s left me Preston, his pink shirt, his Issey Miyaki aftershave, a card and a 10 page letter which made me cry even more because it’s so nice.

I’m really going to miss him.

Bye!

[This is his card and 10 page letter to me…]

Jake's letter page 1

Jake's letter page 2

Jake's letter page 3

Jake's letter page 4

Jake's letter page 5

Jake's letter page 6

Jake's letter page 7

Jake's letter page 8

Jake's letter page 9

Jake's letter page 10

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Then Jake had a nosebleed – 2nd to 3rd January 2001

[Oh, God. I knew this was coming up soon and have been dreading it. It took me a while to to even read the diary entry in full, never mind type it up. Probably best you don’t read it really. Ok, bye!]

Tuesday 2nd to Wednesday 3rd This evening, Jake and I plus Sarah, Lizzie, Cat, Karen, Gethin, Floyd and Hayley all went for a Chinese meal at Cathay Dim Sum at the Trafford Centre. We got a big banquet and it was really good apart from Hayley who wouldn’t try anything until she realised that if she had her own dish she’d have to pay less (but ate ours anyway), the stingy cow!

After the food, we all went to The Dog. It was sort of Jake’s leaving do so we had to go there for it’s like tradition now!

Hayley and I had some messages off Michael Amhurst arranging to meet up while he’s staying around here.

After Jake dropped everyone at home, we headed back to the Trafford Centre because he booked a room at the Travel Inn there for us. We wouldn’t have been able to stay anywhere on New Year’s Eve so we did it now instead. We were in room number 3 on the bottom floor which is the 2nd window to the right of reception, I think.

We had the TV on for a bit and just cuddled on the bed but Jake switched it off so we could talk instead. I was pretty tired and kept almost dosing off. I wouldn’t have done cos I was a bit nervous about what might happen later though. Even so, Jake kept telling me that I wasn’t allowed to fall asleep so he obviously wanted something to happen.

We both got into our pyjamas and brushed our teeth and stuff before switching the lights off and getting into bed. We kissed and stuff for a bit and then he reached for his toilet bag. At that point, my stomach started tying itself in knots!

He asked if I wanted to give it a go. I could very easily have chickened out but I forced myself to say yes cos deep down I wanted to so I didn’t want to let nerves stop me! He told me that he was nervous too and that it didn’t matter if it was a total disaster! That made me feel quite a lot better actually!

We were just kissing to begin with. It was about 2am by this time but I just wasn’t tired anymore. It must have been the adrenaline or something! I was kind of wanting him to just hurry up so we could just do it and get it over with!

We did in the end. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought it’d be but it still wasn’t brilliant! It seemed to be over really quickly and he apologised. I didn’t really know why he’d said sorry so I asked him a few minutes later when we were just lying there. He took ages to think how he could say it and there were a lot of erms and ums before he said we just need a bit more practice.

We just lay there for ages and I might possibly have dosed off for a bit but there was a point when we were both awake and Jake asked if I wanted to give it another go. I ended up saying no because I’d been bleeding a tiny bit. I think that’s normal but me, being me, worried about it a bit anyway!

A bit later on, I woke up and felt a wet patch on my head. I had no idea what it was until I turned to Jake and saw him crying. I thought at first it was because I’d said no but then he explained it was because he doesn’t want to go to Canada.

We both fell asleep in the end and, when we woke up this morning, we stayed in bed for ages, just cuddling. We eventually had to get out of bed when the cleaners started going round the rooms. One knocked on our door but we had loads of time left before we had to go so she went away again.

Then Jake had a nosebleed. I think it was because he’d been blowing his nose a lot to try and clear it cos he’s got a cold but it was quite a bad one

When we got back to my house, we took Mollie for a walk and then collapsed on my bed. We just chatted and stuff.

This evening, we went round to Floyd’s for a bit and then later I got a message from Jake saying he’s sorry and that he feels stupid. I think he was referring to last night so I reassured him it wasn’t that bad and he seemed to cheer up a bit!

Bye!

He thought I was going to dump him – 9th to 12th December 2000

Saturday 9th Jake and I went to that IMAX thing at The Printworks in Manchester. We went to see one called “Extreme” which was a mistake cos it just made me want to go skiing even more! It was quite good but we were really disappointed cos we thought they were all 3D and that one wasn’t.

On the way out, Jake was dawdling so I got pissed off and sped up walking. That was stupid cos we ended up getting split up and I was on my own in the middle of Manchester. I was just beginning to panic when I saw him over the road. He saw me too and must have known I was worrying but he just stood there and didn’t come over.

Once we got back to the car we made up but I was still a bit pissed off cos he left me stood there.

Bye!

Sunday 10th Jake and I had another fall out tonight. It started off cos of that cowboy hat I bought and him saying I don’t have the self-confidence to wear it, amongst a few other things which upset me too. I told him he could go home if he wanted and he left.

Later on I got bored and felt guilty so I texted him. He sent back a really long apology and came back. He told me he was just sat in a car park in the next village, just in case I forgave him. He then went all cuddly and said he’d dreaded reading my message cos he thought I was going to dump him! I wouldn’t!

Bye!

Monday 11th Jake and I have been going out for 10 whole months!! That seems like ages!

We went to IMAX again and saw a 3D one called Cyberworld 3D. It was sooo good!

In the car park later, we both got upset because we realised how little time we’ve got left together before he leaves.

As we were driving, he ended up getting caught by both a speed camera and one as he went through and amber light. That’s not good!

Bye!

Tuesday 12th A few of my mates met up in The Coach tonight and then moved on to The Dog. It was quite good actually. We’ve started to plan our trip to Barcelona. So far, the definites are Jake, Cat, Sarah and I, and the maybes are Hayley, Gethin and Emma.

Again, Jake and I ended up in tears in the car later because of Canada. I really don’t want him to go!

Bye!

Just cos he’s got a microphone, he think he’s God! – 20th to 30th November 2000

Monday 20th The subject of 5 came up between me and Jake again tonight. Neither of us want to wait much longer but we don’t seem to believe each other when we say we’re sure.

For example, I got a message saying, “YOU SAID THAT YOU THOUGHT I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT – THAT I’D RATHER WAIT! WELL, I DON’T WANT TO WAIT! : ( IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN THEN YOU SHOULD TELL ME! I’LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU’RE WORRIED OR WHATEVER! I REALLY CAN’T WAIT! xJx”.

Bye!

P.S. I’ve just got another message from Jake saying, “OF COURSE I AM! YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I BOTTLE THINGS UP! I NEVER REALLY ADMIT TO STUFF LIKE BEING WORRIED! REMEMBER AT HAYLEY’S SISTER’S? YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME A LOT OF WORRYING BY LETTING ME KNOW NOTHING COULD HAPPEN – EVEN IF WE WANTED TO! WHY DO YOU THINK I WOULDN’T LET YOU LOOK IN MY BAG! I FELT SO STUPID! OK SO WE WOULDN’T BE IN AS MUCH OF A HURRY IF I WASN’T FOR ME LEAVING BUT BY ANYONE’S STANDARDS WE’VE BEEN VERY SLOW! WE SHOULD HAVE DONE IT BEFORE NOW – REGARDLESS OF ME GOING ANYWHERE! LOVE xJx”.

I feel really guilty about Hayley’s sister’s now!

Wednesday 22nd Kickboxing was really good tonight and the instructor said to me, “Good girl! At least one of you knows what you’re doing!” and then later, “That was very good! How come you’re better than the rest of them?!”

Cool!

Bye!

Monday 27th Other than my hand still being numb, I discovered a lump on my back last Thursday. What now?!

Jake, Abby, Connor and I all went to Chester Zoo today cos college had an inset day and we had nowt to do. It was really good! There were baby orangutans and a baby elephant but we all agreed the meerkats were the best!

When we got home, Jake told me I’m gorgeous and that the gap in my teeth is sexy! I think not!

Bye!

P.S. I had a message from Jake saying, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS IS? WHEN I GET BACK IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT THAN IT IS NOW! EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT IT JUST CUTS ME UP! I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH! I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU, EVER! xJx”.

Tuesday 28th I did the pub quiz at The Coach and Horses with Hayley, Sarah, Georgia and Floyd. Big Paul does it and it’s crap! Just cos he’s got a microphone, he think he’s God!

Bye!

Wednesday 29th Kickboxing was good again. Dave (the instructor) tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Not bad! But then you’re the best one of the quartet!” The quartet is me, Abby, Evie and Debbie F.

Bye!

Thursday 30th I was sooo pleased this morning because I went to check the UCAS website to see if they’d put my Leeds offer up (they want B, C and C) and I looked and it said I had 2 conditional offers from Huddersfield, both for 14 points! That’s where I really want to go, partly because Jake’s going there (he wants me to as well) so I went to phone him straight away.

My good mood went away pretty quickly because nobody seemed all that pleased for me. I thought they knew how much I want to go there.

Bye!

Loads of tears and sobbing – 22nd to 24th October 2000

Sunday 22nd Hayley, Jake and I all stopped over at Hayley’s sister’s again tonight. Andy didn’t come cos he’s “ill” and Hayley fell out with her other sister so, between games of Cluedo and Monopoly, she spent most of the time crying!

Jake and I went to sleep pretty much straight away again and didn’t have much time alone in the morning cos Hayley came and sat in the same room!

Bye!

Monday 23rd Jake and I didn’t have much to do today so we ended up sitting in his car by the park. As usual (because we were bored) we started talking and Canada was one of the subjects. This time he got really properly upset, as in loads of tears and sobbing. I felt awful then cos it was me who started the conversation off!

Bye!

Tuesday 24th I had a bit of a crap day today cos it mostly consisted of Geography coursework. I didn’t think I was going to see Jake today cos he’s knackered his car but his dad have him a lift to my house in the end.

Jake’s statement about his car was, “It’s not my fault. It’s caused by going over speed bumps too fast.” That really made me laugh! He obviously hasn’t thought that one through!

Bye!

P.S. Jake and I have just got onto the subject of London in texts and what we have the chance to do if we’re alone. He said, “OF COURSE I STILL WANT TO! IT’S JUST A VERY BIG STEP TO TAKE AND I DON’T WANT OUR NERVES TO AFFECT WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO DO!!! IS THERE A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY OF IT HAPPENING?? LOTS OF LOVE!!! xJx”.

Then he said, “IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER BUT IF NOTHING’S GONNA HAPPEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL TELL ME! : ) I WAS ASKING MORE IF YOU COULD… NOT IF YOU WANTED TO?? YOU KNOW – GIRL STUFF! X”. I’m glad he’s aware but it shouldn’t be a problem this time!

I really wanted to dance – 12th & 13th October 2000

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[This is diary number 20, held together with gaffer tape because I’d stuck so much crap in it.]

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Thursday 12th My boyfriend, Jake and I have been going out exactly 8 months today! That’s actually quite scary because whenever I heard of other people being together that long, I thought it seemed like ages and that I’d never do it! I’m glad I have though – it’s nice!

I’ve not had time to write in my diary as much as usual because I’ve had so much coursework for my A Levels. Not all that much has happened though recently. I went into Warrington on Friday night with my mates and made the mistake of persuading Jake to come with me. He just sat down all night in Mr Smith’s when I wanted to dance with my mates but I didn’t want to leave him. I ended up in tears because I didn’t see my mates all night so I felt left out and I really wanted to dance. Jake ended up feeling really guilty then. I suppose at least I know not to take him clubbing in future!

I had a slightly better night on Saturday. I got a Chinese takeaway with Jake and then we came back here to my house. Everyone was in bed and it was dark so we went and watched TV in the front room. We ended up kissing and cuddling and then 3.

That is about all that’s happened because I’ve been stuck at home doing my bloody coursework!

Bye!

Friday 13th Tonight, Sarah, Hayley, Jake and I went for a drive in Jake’s car because we had nothing else to do. It was fun actually! We went to Knutsford, Over Peover (which we found amusing!), Jodrell Bank and Wales. Then we got bored and came home via Chester. The furthest we got was Mold so Jake could put petrol in the car.

I got a bit pissed off with Jake cos he didn’t stop anywhere after he’d taken the other 2 home so I didn’t give him a kiss goodbye. He sped off pretty quickly so I got the impression he wasn’t very pleased with me for that.

I ended up feeling really guilty and sent a message to his phone apologising and explaining I wasn’t too happy about him just dropping me off at home like he’d done with the other 2. He replied, “OHH I’M SORRY! DIDN’T REALISE! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT JUST ONE OF MY MATES! YOU’RE A LOT MORE SPECIAL TO ME AND I LOVE YOU!”

Now I feel even worse cos that was so sweet!

Bye!

I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it – 27th to 30th September 2000

Wednesday 27th Kickboxing was good tonight! I spent all day dreading it and then our instructor was in a really cheerful mood for some reason. 🙂

Bye!

Thursday 28th I saw Jake briefly after college but I couldn’t enjoy myself cos I was worrying about working tonight cos I had so much college work. It didn’t matter in the end though cos Mum rang in sick for me! 🙂

Bye!

Friday 29th – Saturday 30th Our trip to Derby finally came around and I turned out to be a bit disappointing for most of us in the end.

It took us ages to get there cos Jake decided to take the scenic route which made Cat and I a bit travel sick. When we finally reached Derby, we drove round in circles, completely lost for 40 minutes, trying to find the Travel Inn but we got there (eventually!) after many arguments over which direction to go in and how many times we’d passed Carpet World!

The rooms at the Travel Inn were quite nice. Jake and I shared one (with a double bed) and Cat and Sarah had the other.

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The whole point of the trip was so Sarah could see Maz so she was really chuffed when he came to meet us at the Travel Inn. We decided to go to McDonald’s and then go out to a club called Zanzibar (which Jake and Cat didn’t really like the sound of!) but whoever ordered the taxi only got one big enough for 4 people so we just let Sarah and Maz go and Jake drove us to McDonald’s. We ended up getting lost again but eventually found one on a road to Nottingham!

After we’d eaten, we decided against going to Zanzibar so planned to go back and drink at the Inn. Then, Maz and Sarah turned up and locked themselves in Sarah and Cat’s room so Cat got left with me and Jake when she really wanted to go to bed. She felt like a right gooseberry (even though Jake and I weren’t doing anything at all) cos she was stuck with 2 couples. It wouldn’t have been a problem if Emma hadn’t have dropped out on Thursday.

After about an hour, the 3 of us were having a good laugh over a girly magazine but we decided it was a bit out of order that Cat couldn’t go to bed or get her stuff cos of Sarah, who could’ve gone back to Maz’s flat instead.

So, rather than bang on the door to let Cat in, I rang Sarah’s mobile. She didn’t answer for ages but then picked it up and yelled, “What?!!” at me so I politely asked her how long she would be and she said she didn’t know and switched her phone off. I then went and banged on the door and told her that her mum had turned up and was waiting in reception.

After a few minutes, she began to believe me and answered the door in a towel. She was a bit pissed off to find I’d lied but when I explained about Cat and how it wasn’t exactly fair, she said bye to Maz and he went.

Once he’d gone, she started apologising and stuff so we forgave her. She then told us she’d had sex with Maz which was why she couldn’t stop smiling! We then felt a bit guilty for interrupting!

Finally, Jake and I were left alone so we got into our pyjamas and got in bed. We just cuddled up for ages and then started kissing. That led to him sort of half lying on top of me. After a few minutes, he said, “Do you want to do this? Yeh?” I realised he was referring to us doing what Sarah and Maz had just done cos I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it.

I’d half been expecting him to try something cos of some of the messages we’ve been exchanging recently. Up until then I had wanted to but in the back on my mind planned to stop things if I changed my mind.

The fact that he asked me filled me with panic cos I had to give him an answer and, once I’d given him an answer, it would have been harder to let him know if I’d changed my mind. So, I just didn’t say anything and carried on kissing him. He then said, “Do you want to?” and I paused for a while and then found myself sort of shrugging but shaking my head at the same time. He then said, “No? You don’t have to, you know” in a really understanding way so I assumed he was alright with that.

I must have dozed off at one point cos when I woke up, Jake was lying on the sofa bed. I asked him why he’d moved and he told me that he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake me up. I told him that I’d woken up a bit so he came back to bed but was being dead quiet and kept sighing.

I asked him if he was okay and I muttered something about the night being a bit of a waste of time (cos by that time I was regretting refusing cos I couldn’t see us getting another chance to be alone all night) and he asked me what was wrong and why I wouldn’t do it and if it was him that was the problem. I said it wasn’t him at all and that I really didn’t know why.

We slept for a bit but, before my alarm clock went off at 8:00am, 3 happened and after that he seemed to cheer up a bit and kept telling me he loves me and stuff! 🙂

The journey back home went pretty quickly, although Cat had to ring The Green Dragon cos she was going to be late and they told her they needed her in today cos they’d “already been let down by Tessa this morning”. Ooh, I hate them!! (My mum phoned to tell them I was still ill today!)

I went back to Jake’s for a while but we both fell asleep on the sofa.

When I got back to my house and he‘d gone home, I texted him apologising for last night cos I felt really guilty in the end. He replied saying, “DIDN’T THINK I’D GET A MSG THAT QUICK! ONE THING THAT I DON’T WANT IS PRESSURE ON EITHER OF US! YEH I WANT US TO TAKE IT FURTHER BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO RUIN WHAT WE’VE ALREADY GOT! I WAS SO NERVOUS ANYWAY! THOUGHT MAKING A TRIP TO BOOTS WAS BAD ENOUGH! I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY IN ANY WAY! J x”.

I was so glad to hear he was nervous! But the fact he had to go through the trauma of going into Boots made me feel even more guilty! At least I know he was prepared anyway cos I had been wondering whether he’d come equipt!

I sent him a reply telling him that part of the reason I said no was cos in the back of my mind I thought he might think I just did it cos Sarah had with Maz (that was part of it really). I also asked if he was feeling pressured by anything and he said, “AAH! I DIDN’T THINK THAT AT ALL! I DON’T FEEL PRESSURISED BUT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH ALREADY… SO DON’T WORRY! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him I wasn’t worrying, I was just more annoyed with myself and he said, “I’M SORRY – I MEANT DON’T FEEL AWFUL! YEH IT WAS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY BUT AS YOU SAID – IT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT! THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP US GOING ON ANOTHER OPEN DAY OR FIND A LOCAL TRAVEL INN! PLEEAASE DON’T FEEL AWFUL! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I told him I didn’t really want to plan it (cos then I really would feel forced to do it) and asked if he was annoyed with me at all. He said, “THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU! I’M NOT GONNA BE ANNOYED WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T WANT TO! YOU SAID IN A MESSAGE THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO B4! IF YOU STILL WEREN’T SURE THEN I WOULDN’T BE PLEASED! I DON’T WANT TO PLAN IT EITHER – THERE’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND YOU MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT! x”.

I asked him why he wouldn’t be pleased and pointed out that I didn’t really have a reason for saying no last night and he replied, “I DON’T MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT READY – I CAN ACCEPT THAT! I MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT SURE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH ME! YOU HAD A REASON LAST NIGHT – I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SARAH AND MAZ! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID! : ) I’LL BE HONEST AND SAY I WAS EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESPONSE BUT WHEN YOU’RE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT IT’S DIFFERENT… ISN’T IT? xJx”.

I then said something about him possibly getting sick of me but he said, “HAH – HINDSIGHT’S A GREAT THING! I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF YOU! WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER – YOU’RE SO GOOD FOR ME! I WOULDN’T REALLY HAVE WANTED TO DO IT BEFORE EITHER SO I HAVEN’T REALLY BEEN PATIENT! I LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I can’t remember what was said after that but later, Jake said, “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! NOT BECAUSE WE ARE 2 YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A FRI DOWN A DARK LANE! : ) xJx”.

Ooh, I hate it when people call it “making love” or whatever! It makes me cringe cos I associate it with sleazy, American, perfect looking people! I don’t know why! [I can confirm that, 18 years later, it still made me thoroughly cringe and make vomit-y noises as I typed that.]

Bye!