Bladdered on “real” diesel – 12th & 13th September 2001

Tuesday 12th I was at Cat’s for most of today cos I stopped over last night. We just played on SimCity on the computer.

You can’t escape what happened in New York today. It’s everywhere. The whole thing’s so terrible. There must’ve been so many people killed. 😦


Wednesday 13th We did The Run [pub crawl] tonight for a change cos a lot of people are going to uni on Saturday morning and so can’t go out tomorrow.

Cat was really pissing me off. I was totally sober (trying to save money) and she was really bladdered on “real” diesel (lager, cider, blackcurrant and whisky – which we wouldn’t normally add). She kept going into the toilets to talk to Sarah about the internet male dominatrix she’s been in contact with and leaving me out.

When I was speaking to Sarah, she was telling me about stuff her and Michael do. He’s tied her up and they’ve had sex in all sorts of places, lots of times. It’s made me realise how boring Jake actually was!

Denny had a message off Jake tonight actually, saying he couldn’t do The Run cos he was on a hill somewhere in Wales. He’s doing his Queen’s Scout Award thing.

I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m either weird or in some sort of state where it’s not sunk in yet but I never really go on about Jake or anything. I am just finding myself getting on with it. All my mates have had long whinges about Mr L and Maz for example but I realised I haven’t actually done that yet. I suppose that’s a good thing though. Mum keeps saying she’s proud of me and, I have to say, I’m actually quite proud of myself so far!

I still can’t bear the thought of him with another girl though. I hope that’ll pass. The thing is, I don’t really know how I’ll feel about things cos none of my friends have really been through this so they can’t tell me. 😦


He thinks I’m moping about at home – 21st & 22nd August 2001

Tuesday 21st I went with Mum to the Madeline Lindley bookshop somewhere near Grandma’s and then went to see Grandma afterwards. While I was there I got a text message from Jake saying, “HI! I FEEL AWFUL AFTER WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT! I THOUGHT WE AGREED ABOUT IT! IT’S ALL MY FAULT + I’M REALLY SORRY! : ( I DON’T WANT IT TO BE LIKE LAST NIGHT. I JUST FELT REALLY OUT OF PLACE! : ( xJx”.

Oh, so he wasn’t that bothered that I was upset, he’s just more concerned about being left out. At least he apologised and seems to have some sort of conscience! He also wished me luck for my driving theory test (which I’m going to fail tomorrow) and said night night.


Wednesday 22nd I had to go to Manchester today to do my theory test. It was booked for 12 noon but when I went in, I didn’t have some piece of paper that goes with the provisional licence. They wouldn’t let me sit my test without it so I went to find Mum and we rang the DVLA. They faxed the paper through to the theory test place so then I just had to wait for a cancellation or something.

I eventually got to do it and ended up getting 33 out of 35 which is a pass. 🙂 I had to get 30 to pass and there were 6 questions I didn’t know the answers to! I must’ve guessed most of them right though! 🙂

Mum then took me round Manchester to get things like walking boots for my uni course. We had a look in Blacks and the lad who served us said he knew a couple of people who were doing environmental courses at Huddersfield.

Jake texted me today and offered to come round tomorrow if I was bored. That kind of annoyed me in a way cos it sounded like he thinks I’m moping about at home doing nothing because I’ve not got him to keep me company.


Confusing and a bit cruel – 20th August 2001

Monday 20th During today I went with Mum to take the new but broken hob back to the shop in Bolton, sorted out uni stuff and then took Mollie for a walk to Pennington Flash.

This evening Isaac had a party so I went round there. Jake spent most of the night moving round the house to wherever Emma was and ignoring me. Well, that was until the end when we had a bit of a fall out and Gethin shut us in the bathroom so we could make up.

He said he still loves me and really wants to stay best of friends and stuff. He hugged me a lot and also, on more than one occasion, pecked a kiss on my lips which included a bit of tongue. That was nice but confusing and a bit cruel. He also squeezed my bum when he came up to me at one point.

When we’d calmed down he told me that we might get back together and he doesn’t want to stay split up forever but is confused. I don’t believe him. I think he was just saying it to try and cheer me up a bit and therefore stop his guilt because I told him splitting up isn’t what I wanted.

Gethin was being really nice to me all night. He’d been chatting to both me and Jake but said that he’d been friends with me longer so he’ll always be there for me. He hugged me when I was upset at Jake going to the chippy with 2 people plus Emma and just generally made me feel better. He also said how much he used to fancy me again but then not long after that he said he really does think he’s gay. Hmm.

Sarah also cheered me up a bit by saying how Nip fancied me at Denny’s party. He’s 27 though so that’s much too old for me and he’s kind of with Lizzie and he’s not that nice. Sarah had to warn him off me because of Jake. Not that I’d have done owt anyway!

I found out that Sam’s surname is McParland and he’s been to a Caithness Glass factory.

Hah! I’ve just remembered Jake said he felt really guilty now and is worried I hate him.


I am not going to waste my time being upset over a lad – 19th August 2001

Sunday 19th I told Mum this morning about me and Jake and she hugged me and said it’d be okay. I needed to hear that!

Jake and I both helped Dad do some levels in some field today which was tiring. I was fine when I was with Jake and we held hands in the car but this evening (when he’d gone) I was really upset. Jake had said this might not be for good but he didn’t sound too convincing. He started saying he just doesn’t feel the same etc. again.

Mum was really nice to me again tonight. She said I will get over it and she knows cos it’s happened to her on more than one occasion. She said she’s cross with him for upsetting me so much and cos my family’s been really nice to him while his haven’t been quite so nice to me.

This really is not what I wanted at all but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m actually annoyed with him now, even though that’s not really fair. Grrr!!

I am not going to waste my time being upset over a lad. After all I’ve said to my friends in the past, I can’t be hypocritical. Mind you, I have been with him for a long time so maybe I’ll let myself be a little bit upset… but not constantly. I refuse to be pathetic and whinge non-stop and bug all my friends!


I’m in a state of shock! – 18th August 2001

Saturday 18th Jake and I have split up. I can’t quite believe it actually. I think it’s going to take a while to sink in.

It happened this morning over the phone. We had a very long and upsetting talk about it and both cried. He said he doesn’t want to get to uni and then split up cos we won’t have our friends for support. Also, he said he loves me in a different way and it’s not the same as when we first got together. I kind of agree with that cos we don’t get as excited about seeing each other as we used to but then it’s still nice. Surely it’s normal to feel like that once you’ve been with someone for a long time though.

He said he used to really miss me when we were apart but when I was in Scotland and Germany, he didn’t really bother as much. He also said Barcelona wasn’t as good as he expected cos we fell out on the first night. He said I wasn’t very “adventurous” cos I wanted to get back to the hotel. I actually just didn’t want to get mugged/murdered after hearing it wasn’t that safe at night.

It was a mutual decision I suppose but he definitely wanted it more than I did and said it wouldn’t be fair on either of us to drag it out. I agreed with the reasoning, especially the uni bit because it does make some sense but it isn’t really what I want.

I’m sort of relieved in a way that it’s over because otherwise I’d just be waiting for it to happen and I wouldn’t be as happy as I used to be when I felt secure with him. I suppose he can’t help going off me. I bet he goes after Emma now!

I’m glad we haven’t fallen out. We’ve agreed that we’re best friends so we can’t just stop seeing each other. He said we can still have hugs. That’s good because I’m going to need hugs!

He said “I love you” before he hung up which was nice to hear. He said he does still love me but it’s a different kind of love, whatever that means. I think I know what he’s on about cos I think I feel the same in a way. I’m not sure though. I’m confused. I don’t know how I’m feeling or what to think. I’m not really too upset but then it’s not really registered yet. I’m in a state of shock!

As long as I still see him that’s okay. What I’m worried about is him getting another girlfriend. I can’t stand the thought of it! I suppose I can always remember the fact that I had him first! 🙂

I went round to his house this afternoon. We both got upset so we just hugged a lot. He still kept telling me he loves me too. We also did The Run [a pub crawl] tonight. I told Cat and she was really nice about it. Jake and I still held hands and hugged and pecked each other kisses on the lips and said we loved each other.

I really can’t believe all this has happened. I’ll probably never find anyone else like him. 😦


It’s not the right atmosphere for a girlfriend – 17th August 2001

Friday 17th I went to Jake’s house today and he came to mine for a Chinese later on. We had a proper serious discussion about splitting up at uni. Usually I’m the negative one about it and he’s being all positive but this time it was the other way around. I didn’t like it cos there didn’t seem to be any way of convincing him that it might be alright. He also upset me by saying things like, “Do you really think we’ll still be together when we’re 40?” and “6 years is a long time” (that’s how long he could be at uni for) and “We’ve only been together 18 months”.

After all the nice messages about wanting to marry me and be together forever, all that wasn’t very nice to hear cos it makes me think he didn’t really mean the nice stuff. He kept saying how loads of his mates have split up with their girlfriends since they got to uni and how it’s not the right atmosphere for a girlfriend and we might have different groups of friends.

The discussion carried on while we were waiting for his bus to arrive. He’s been fine up until I got back from Scotland and now he’s really bothered about it. I want to know why. I think maybe one of his friends has said something to him or he wants Emma.

When the bus came, he gave me a quick kiss goodbye and then went off, leaving me wondering what the hell is going to happen.


Cat was insistent that his room smelled of cum – 16th August 2001

Thursday 16th Before I got my results today. I kept getting that awful sinking feeling every time I remembered.

I was one of the first people to get up the stairs in college so I was one of the first to receive results. Mrs P handed me the piece of paper with my results on. I couldn’t believe it when I brought myself to look at them.

I got:

  • BIOLOGY >>> C

Exactly how I did it I have no idea but I’m VERY VERY pleased with myself!! 🙂

I rang Mum and she had to check it was me and not my sister when I told her. Abby got her AS Level results and got a load of As and a C.

Jake came to meet me at college cos we were all going out to celebrate/drown our sorrows in The Beech Tree. This is what my friends got:
(N = Near miss but still a fail
U = Totally failed)

  • Cat 4 >>> As and a B
  • Sarah >>> a B, a D and an E
  • Lizzie >>> a C, a D and an N
  • Karen >>> ?
  • Isaac >>> 3 Cs
  • Gethin >>> ?
  • Denny >>> ?
  • Floyd >>> an N and 2 Us
  • Freda >>> an E
  • Dougie >>> 4 As and a B
  • Emma >>> ?

Jake had a party at his house (cos his Dad and sister are away) this evening. Quite a lot of people turned up in the end. It was okay but I hardly ever saw Jake cos he was too busy following Emma round like a little sheep. He used to fancy her years ago and I think he still does. Every time she sat down so did he and I kept coming into rooms to find them sat on the floor together. They also went off and were jumping in someone’s hedge at one point. I’m sure Jake hugged her at one point but it was dark so I wasn’t sure.

I spent most of the time in Robbie’s room with Cat. It was quite funny cos Cat was insistent that his room smelled of cum and Gethin was very obviously coming on to him.

[Cat sent me in to confirm the aroma.]

When everyone decided to get some sleep, Jake and I both slept in his bed. We had a minor fall out but he insisted he didn’t fancy Emma. Yeh right! When we were in bed, 3 happened but that was it unfortunately.


Like I’d get in a car with him! Creep! – 12th to 14th August 2001

Sunday 12th I went to Reiss beach this afternoon with Mum, Dad, Auntie S, Tom, Minnie and the metal detector. That was fun until we started getting eaten alive by midges!

This evening, Rhian, Abby and I went out cruising in a car with Rhian’s friend Dee and her brother Graeme. Everybody in Wick seemed to be out so it was quite good. At one point, Abby and I got out and stood on the street cos Dee had to home and Duncan kept driving past with his cousin, Kate. They waved and then stopped and asked if we wanted a lift anywhere. Like I’d get in a car with him! Creep!

Another car full of lads also stopped and asked for a “date”. Of course, we basically told them to fuck off cos they were obviously total gimps.

Later, we got in Sandy’s lovely car with Rhian cos her boyfriend, Marc, was in there with him. He took us up to Noss Head cos we’d told him about the Highland cows and the lads wanted to see them!

I was quite surprised when I first got in Sandy’s car cos I expected thumping dance music like everyone else had blasting out. However, Sandy had The Corrs album on. It was quite nice actually!

When we got to Noss Head, we stopped in the car park and saw that there were already some people there. It was Dunny and Kelly and a couple of others smoking stuff. They were obviously drunk/stoned (or both) cos Kelly got on someone’s moped, started it up and whizzed straight into a nearby ditch! It was so funny! The lads tried to get it out and got totally covered in mud while Kelly just laughed and watched them without a speck of dirt on her!


Monday 13th Travelled home. Really boring day.


Tuesday 14th I had another dream about Ferny last night. Weird.

I went round to Cat’s today with all my photos cos she’s putting them all on CD so all our friends can have a copy of each other’s piccys.

After that, I went round to Jake’s. We had a bit of a jokey falling out about splitting up at uni but it’s obvious he’s genuinely worried about it. He also started trying to undress me later, just as Mum arrived to pick me up. Damn it!


I don’t want to be a possessive little freak – 9th August 2001

Thursday 9th Mum, Dad, Rhian, Abby, Tom, Minnie and I all tried to find the beach near the lighthouse today. We failed and ended up going to Sinclair and Girnigoe Castle instead. They’re sooo creepy! It’d be awful being stuck there on your own at night!

[That’s the castle on the left in the background.]

After that, we all went back to Auntie S’s house. We just stayed in and went on the internet and stuff. I drove to the Co-op and back though with Mum. 🙂

I’m not too happy now. I rang Jake before to discover he’s at Emma’s party. I got pissed off cos I don’t like missing out on stuff and half of the people there fancy him, including Suzanna the Slapper who was about to throw herself at him on The Run [a pub crawl] once before.

I know it’s not his fault that people fancy him but I couldn’t help getting annoyed. I can’t stand the thought of people even considering flirting with him when I’m not there cos he’s too polite to just walk away. I’m getting as bad as Abby’s boyfriend! Nooooo!!! I don’t want to be a possessive little freak!

What annoyed me more was when I rang him back to apologise and he let slip that he’d told Sarah about what I’d said to him and that I’m basically being paranoid. However, Sarah apparently told him that she knows people who fancy me. WHO?!?


I need hugs! – 1st to 4th August 2001

Wednesday 1st Urrggh!! I had a horrible afternoon. I went round to Jake because some family friend was there so he couldn’t leave. I only expected to stay for a bit but they ended up having a barbecue. The idea was fine until I realised I had to sit round a table with the entire family plus friend. I just felt sooo out of place and couldn’t wait for it to be over. They were all having conversations about things I didn’t know about and people I’d never heard of and when they asked me a question, they always picked a moment when I had a mouth full of burger or something. There was some very nice cake though.

This evening I went round to Henry Rockwell’s house for a small gathering. There was very little alcohol so Sarah and I went to Vicky Wine [Victoria Wine – an offie that doesn’t exist anymore] to get some supplies. Penny Jensen was working and told us Aled had just been in and informed her that Oscar’s in hospital cos he’s got leukaemia. That’s awful! I used to be really good mates with him. She said it’s a common form and can be cured so I really hope he’ll be okay.

Rocky’s was a bit boring cos Jake left early and his old nextdoor neighbour turned up. Isaac told me at one point that with Lizzie and Karen were making fools of themselves flirting with Sam and Nip at Denny’s, Emma had asked him if they were pregnant!

After Rocky’s we all went to Simon Bell’s (a complete knobhead from school who went off the rails then found God and who has now latched on to our group of friends) cos he promised us a barbecue. We didn’t get one so we went home.


Thursday 2nd I woke up this morning to Mum sat on my bed. She hardly ever does that so I knew something was wrong. She told me that my Grandma L died at quarter to midnight yesterday. 😦

[I love this photo of her.]

I didn’t get upset straight away cos it wasn’t really a shock seeing as she’s been really ill and I was warned it’d happen. However, it didn’t take much to upset me. As soon as Mum mentioned funeral arrangements, it set me off crying. We were planning to go up to Wick next Tuesday but we’re going on Sunday now.

I will miss her.

I went to the Trafford Centre with Jake and bought some Roxy Quiksilver combat-style pants to cheer me up.


Saturday 4th

Jake and I have been together a year and 6 months today!

Cat had a barbecue today. It was pretty good cos loads of people turned up. We just ate lots, talked, went on the internet and watched Shrek. I got pretty upset when I had to leave and say goodbye to Jake because we’re going to Scotland tomorrow. I just didn’t want to leave him and have to go to a funeral and he was being really nice which didn’t really help, it just upset me more!

Jake explained to Cat and Gethin about Grandma cos they saw me get upset. I got lots of hugs off him and he told me he loved me and said he’ll miss me. I’ll miss him too. I need hugs!