Ralph went an even deeper shade of purple than usual – 3rd September 1998

Thursday 3rd It was the first day back at school today and, my God, there’s trouble.

It’s mostly between Emma, Ralph and Freddie. Basically:

  • Freddie’s annoyed with Emma and Ralph.
  • But Ralph’s been joining in with Ferny, Graham and Freddie whilst they were slagging off Emma so she’s annoyed with Ralph.
  • Freddie’s annoyed with Ralph coz he’s supposed to be his mate and he still snogged Emma.
  • Freddie’s annoyed with Emma coz he reckons she’s a slapper.
  • Now Ralph and Emma are sticking up for each other except when Ralph’s with his mates coz they don’t particularly like him anyway (not really surprising, is it?!) and he’s in fear of losing them so he’s slagging Emma off with then.

I know I’m meant to be Emma’s mate and all but, with this one, I think I’m gonna have to stick with Freddie. It’s not entirely Emma and Ralph’s fault but I can see why Freddie’s so pissed off. I think he’s annoyed because, mainly, he still isn’t over Emma. It’s hardly been any time at all since they split up (and that was more one-sided from Emma) and since then she’s been with [snogged] about 4 or 5 lads, one of which was Ralph.

Freddie also went with a few people and Martha but I think that he was just doing it to try and find someone else who he liked so that he could forget about Emma. He knew that she didn’t like him anymore so he didn’t really have anything to lose by going with other girls. But when Emma went with other lads he got jealous and he knew that he still liked her so he probably thought it was shady (which it was) of her to be snogging all these lads in front of him.

I think he was more annoyed about Ralph than anyone… hang on… Emma’s on the phone… she may have news on Freddie…

Okay, so I can stop the analysis on Freddie now coz Emma’s going out with him again. She took my advice and phoned him to find out what the hell’s going on with him. They argued for a bit and then ended up calming down, talking about their feelings and now they’re going out.

I don’t like to say this but, in a way, I’m a bit disappointed coz I think I was starting to like Freddie even though I didn’t really want to. Well, maybe this’ll stop me.

There is a good side though. Ferny! We can all hang round in T Block with him now. Even though I have no chance with him, I can hope.

Ralph hates me and he yelled it out in front of everyone that he wanted me to die and I was never to speak to him, look at him or even think about him. (Believe me, I try not to. Being sick isn’t very nice at all!) He’ll bloody die if he says owt like that again coz I’ll bloody kill him! Bastard!

Ha ha! Ralph got into a minor fight today with a Year 9 who asked about Ralph’s sad shoes which he had last year. They had each other round the throat and the lad head-butted Ralph and Ralph went an even deeper shade of purple than usual!

Graham’s been calling Emma a whale! I laughed when she told me. I dunno why really coz it’s snidey. It’s not half funny though!

BYE!

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She was giving him kissing techniques – 30th August 1998

Sunday 30th You know how I really didn’t want to go last night? Well, one I got there, I didn’t want to leave. It was really good and I ended up staying over at Emma’s.

There was a group of us all in the caravan. There was me, Emma, Suzanna [formally known as Suzanna the Slapper], Lauren Bradford, Ralph, Freddie, Mike Wardle and Drew Wardle. They were all pissed except me but I still had fun. Who needs alcohol anyway?

Ralph was annoying everyone. He fancied Lauren and was just pissing everyone else off anyway. Towards the end (about 3:30am) he was sat drinking, talking and smoking with a right bunch of saddos. The one he was getting along with most turned out to be gay. At least he pulled for once! He’s also that desperate for mates that he was acting like a slave and doing everything people asked him to. What he didn’t realise was that people were only sending him to get rid of him.

Suzanna and Mike Wardle were getting on very well. They were going with [snogging] each other all the time and she told me and Emma later that she’d been wanking him off too.

Emma was completely out of it and was going with Drew Wardle (who’s 19). He’d drunk a lot but was acting a bit more normal than everyone else. Emma also went with Freddie a few times but couldn’t really remember this morning.

Lauren was with me for most of the time. I was helping her avoid Ralph coz he kept trying to sit next to her and stuff. She went home quite early though.

Freddie, well, what can I say? He was pretty pissed too. He was getting really emotional and kept crying to start with. It was all about Emma and how much he still liked her and he couldn’t get over her and how she wasn’t helping by keeping snogging him and flirting with him.

He was also getting dead jealous of Drew. I had to stop him from barging in on them. He kept wanting to tell me about all this coz Emma advised him to talk with me or Suzanna. He said the same things to both of us over and over and over and over…

Towards the end, Freddie was getting very friendly with Martha Seymour (who’s 23) and they were talking a lot and she was giving him kissing techniques like telling him to kiss a lot slower. When most people had gone home, Freddie went round to the Seymour house to meet [snog] Martha. Twice.

We managed to get him back but we’re not sure what went on. He’s told Ralph that he shagged her and he’s told Emma that he nearly did but then the phone rang. I’m not sure which to believe.

Seeing as I was the only sober one, I found it quite funny watching everyone else not knowing what they were doing and making total fools of themselves. I also heard quite a few interesting things. I heard that:

  • Emma did actually go with [snog] Ralph in town when they were pissed one Friday.
  • Ralph fancies Emma.
  • I heard from Emma that Ralph said he still liked me and that the hate thing was all an act.
  • Freddie shagged Heather Newton that time when he drank too much Bacardi and would up in a field with hypothermia. (I reckon the Heather part was added in to impress Suzanna though.)
  • I heard from Emma that Freddie has asked her if she minded if he went after me.

I was getting on pretty well with Freddie though. Even when he sobered up a bit, he was having a proper conversation with me. I like Freddie, although I’m not too impressed about the Martha thing. Even this morning we were getting on and he seemed to find what I said was funny when I was taking the piss out of Ralph having pulled a bloke. Before he would probably have just stuck up for Ralph.

I can’t stand Ralph. He’s such a dick. Suzanna’s alright actually and she can’t stand him either. She described him as a purple, crusty carrot (PCC is Ralph from now on).

I’m tired now coz I’ve just got in from the Italian for Hayley’s birthday do and I didn’t get much sleep last night.

BYE!

Emma’s just turning into a drunken slapper – 24th August 1998

Monday 24th I think I’ve cheered up a bit since my last entry although I still don’t like the way my friends are going. Ralph and Freddie are obsessed with drinking and they’ve recently started smoking again. Emma’s just turning into a drunken slapper. She goes out, gets drunk and starts snogging anyone. They’ve all changed and I don’t think I have. I s’pose at least it gives ‘em summit to talk about.

Adam finally sent me his photo. He’s nothing like I expected. Considering it’s a passport photo, he’s not bad. He’s not drop dead gorgeous or anything though either. He’s got nice eyes. Maybe it is just a bad photo. He did warn me. He’s still got a really nice voice though.

We’re not going to Alton Towers now but we’ll probably go one day. We’re going to the cinema now instead. There’s quite a few people going and Jade Hancock’s in the process of asking Ferny. According to her, he won’t ever be cycling home coz he can’t stand Ralph. That’s summit we have in common!

I went to the next village with Emma, Ralph and Freddie tonight. Ralph fancies Emma. I managed to push him off the back of a bench. Ha ha! I actually think I annoy Ralph and Freddie quite a bit although I can’t say I’m surprised coz I don’t go out of my way to be nice, especially to Ralph.

Emma wants me to go with her to town to see these other lads, Connor and Navid. I dunno if I want to. I’ll see how I feel about it in the morning.

BYE!

P.S. Emma was moaning to me about Charlie Wilson not liking her. At least she’s been with him. Ferny probably doesn’t even know I exist. Oh no! I’m starting to sound like Hayley!

Well, actually he does know I exist but he doesn’t like me. It’s so annoying. Why is it that the only lad who’s really liked me recently is Ralph? Why doesn’t anyone nice who I really fancy fancy me? It’s so unfair.

Emma reckons that if Ferny was going to like or go out with anyone out of our lot, it’d be me. Yeah right. Think of all the other people he could fancy. Why does it have to be someone he hangs round with? He probably doesn’t even like anyone at all unless they’re a ski instructor in Austria called Petra. (Is that not the name of a fish food?) [He loved Petra so I obviously hated Petra.]

What the hell’s the matter with me? – 17th August 1998

Monday 17th I’ve decided to try not to be quite so horrible to Ralph. He hasn’t actually done anything to annoy me and he can’t help being gross. He hates me anyway and I don’t really want him to, however much I can’t stand the lad.

Freddie hates me too. I’m not sure why. I’ve not wound him up for a while. I’ll have to be nicer to him now.

The other reason for being nicer to them is coz they are likely to slag me off in front of their mates (one of which is Ferny) and I don’t really want that to happen. It’s just every time I see or hear Ralph, it triggers off summit in my brain which makes me open my mouth and insult him or summit.

I might not see either of them for a while anyway coz Emma’s getting pretty sick of Freddie too. It’s got to the stage when she’s started offering people money to go with [snog] him so she has a good excuse to dump him. One of which was a lad! The other one was Suzanna the Slapper who said she’d do it in Blackpool on Saturday.

I’m not going to Blackpool. I don’t want to. I don’t really know Suzanna or her mates, Emma’ll probably stick with Freddie anyway and it’s not exactly my idea of fun being stuck with Ralph all day. Plus they’ll probably all get pissed and smoke and who know what else.

I discovered today that the first pack of fags Ralph and Freddie bought, Emma helped finish. Stupid cow! She’d better not start as well. I couldn’t cope with 3 human ashtrays!

Rach rang me tonight. I was glad that she did. I had someone else to share my dislike of Ralph with. At least she didn’t slag me off or say she hated me. And she doesn’t smoke.

I’m worried now I think about it. What the hell’s the matter with me? Why do I have to be mean to people? Ralph’s not bothered me this much before. At least I’ve finally gone off him. [Hmm. I’m not convinced about that.] The worrying thing really is that I think Davis annoys me less than Ralph at the moment. That’s saying something too! I’ll put it down to the fact that I don’t really want to be here. I want to be in Wick.

Oh sod it! There’s nothing I can do about it. Or Ralph. He can’t change his face (Well, actually… nah… too expensive!) or his personality for that matter. I’ll just have to see how I react next time I see them.

I also don’t like the fact that they say I have no feelings. According to Freddie, it’s okay for Ferny to have no emotions coz he’s a lad. I do anyway! Just coz they don’t like me. They also keep skitting me about Euro Disney and me having a phobia of Mickey Mouse. I think I’ll just go along with that one and hope it dies down soon.

BYE!

P.S. I love my hamster, Tizzy. She’s getting pretty old now though. I’m a bit worried about her. She’s been staying at Cat Elliot’s house for 2 weeks and she was okay before. Now she’s gone all slow. I hope she’s alright. She’s so pretty. I don’t want anything to happen to her.

Freddie had a pack of fags in his pocket – 16th August 1998

Sunday 16th Emma’s got a kitten called Jasmine. She’s so cute. Not as cute as Gismo or Lucky but almost.

Ralph and Freddie turned up at Emma’s too. She knew they were going to but neither of us wanted to be stuck with them all day and we’d also arranged to go to the Sports Club with Hayley so we hid in the field until they’d gone.

We’d almost reached the Sports Club when they both cycled round the corner. We couldn’t get away. I didn’t want to see Ralph so I tried not to look at him coz I thought the mingingness of him might overpower the gorgeousness of Finn, Ben Mc, Ferny and all the other fit lads in Scotland put together! It didn’t. I can still picture them. I have to stop myself puking at the sight of that greasy, white, lanky, strange-smelling boy! YUK! (Think Ferny, Tess, think Ferny.) [This is too much of a turnaround in the space a month. I suspect this was an attempt to counteract the secret luuurve I still harboured for him.]

We escaped the Sports Club and saw Hayley equipt with Liverpool replica shirt and tracksuit. Typical Scouser, hey!

We left there and we were on our way back to Emma’s and we discovered Ralph and Freddie in a bus shelter together. Ralph had said to Emma that my cousin Rhian sounded sexy (the accent I think) so I showed him a Björk-style photo of her. Ha ha, sorry Rhian! [Rhian looked a bit like Björk.]

I wanted to get away from Ralph but they followed us. Then we discovered Freddie had a pack of fags in his pocket. They’ve both been smoking for a couple of days (although Freddie’s done it in the past). Somehow, Emma managed to get them off Freddie and she shredded them. Nice one, Thornley!

I don’t see the need in them smoking at all. I mean, are they trying to be hard or summit? If you ask me, it’s pretty sad. I dunno what they’re playing at but they’d best not expect me to hang round with them if they’re gonna start fagging it. It’s disgusting! They stink too. Ralph’s even worse now. Is he trying to make me feel ill? (Think Finn, think Finn.)

Adam didn’t send me that picture. Oh well, maybe I’ll never see it.

BYE!

P.S. I’m missing Wick. At the moment, if I had giant scales, what’s in Wick would be outweighing here.

P.P.S. I forgot to mention before that Ben McFarlane got Bs and Cs in his exams and he’s not pleased coz his bro got As. He’s gonna join the RAF too. I’m losing everyone to the bleeding RAF. Well, 2 people. Ferny and Ben. Maybe I should join. Do you reckon they have physiotherapists in it? Oh well, I can always find out.

That hair dye made him look mouldy – 23rd-25th July 1998

Thursday 23rd We went to the cinema tonight to see Godzilla. We phoned Ferny this morning and asked if he was coming. He said he would. He said he didn’t like Hayley coz she is a Scouser and that he didn’t mind if she came as long as she didn’t sit next to him. I was pleased about that.

We phoned Hayley but there was nobody in and we couldn’t get hold of Ralph either.

We got to the cinema and only Ralph and Freddie came so Rach and I were depressed. We phoned Graham and there was no answer. We then rang Ferny and he was at home having his tea.

Godzilla was quite a good film, well, I thought so anyway. Ralph was on the other side of Rach to me and when she moved, he tried to sit next to me but she moved him back.

I’m really annoyed about Ferny and who knows what happened to Graham. I bet he was swimming actually.

BYE!

Friday 24th I went to town this morning and got an Adidas swimming cossie for Paris then Emma came here this afternoon and we went to Rach’s. From there, we phoned Graham to find out why he didn’t come. He said he was half way there and the car broke down and they’re not a member of the AA or anything so they had to ring someone to get them home. He said he did ring the cinema and described Rach and Ralph to them so they could tell us but we’d already bought the tickets and gone in. I think I believe him.

We then did a 3-way call to Ferny and he said he’d missed the train and only had 15 minutes to get ready so he didn’t bother coming. He’s going away this evening too for a week and he’ll see the Queen or summit.

Ralph’s asked us to go to this music festival thing in Manchester tomorrow. I went last year I think and it was dead good. I just happened to be there on the same day but I missed all the bands. My mum’s going to let me go tomorrow, I think.

BYE!

Saturday 25th I did go to Manchester. It wasn’t what I thought it was so we only went for about three quarters of an hour. It was crap.

We wandered round looking for blue hair dye for Freddie and then Ralph got some turquoise stuff. Freddie’s was nice, Ralph’s was mingin’. We went to Freddie’s house to do it. Emma did it for them coz they wouldn’t let me anywhere near their heads with dye for some reason. I can’t think why. Freddie’s looked quite good, Ralph’s didn’t and his washed out.

Freddie’s older brother is gorgeous and his little brother is funny but I can imagine him being an annoying little shit sometimes.

Ralph makes me feel really sick when I see him. I dunno what it is but the thought of going out with him really does make my stomach turn. His trousers were to short today. That hair dye made him look mouldy too.

I’m quite glad I didn’t go out with him now. I think I would’ve been physically sick . I must prefer him over the phone when I can’t see him. [Oof, harsh.] Nearly every time I look at him hard I have to turn away and think about Finn or Ferny or other nice things. I know it’s tight but as long as he doesn’t read this it shouldn’t matter.

BYE!

Ferny’s an angel or summit – 21st & 22nd July 1998

Tuesday 21st The Swing Band went to 2 other primary schools. They both went quite well.

Dougie and Lena have split up. According to Dougie it was a mutual thing.

I went into the next village with Emma, Rach, Freddie and Ralph this evening. The lads were pissing us off a bit coz they were messing about and vandalising stuff. On the way back to Emma’s, Ralph asked me if I fancied Ferny now. I said no but I probably shouldn’t have done coz most people know I do anyway. He then started saying that he reckoned Ferny’s an angel or summit coz he won’t drink alcohol and he doesn’t have any feelings. He also wants to join the RAF or summit and I said that it’s probably so he can fly.

It’s gonna be an awful day tomorrow. First we’ve got a Year 10 assembly and Mr M’s going to embarrass us somehow. Then we’ve got English and we’ll have to stand up and tell the class summit humorous about work experience. In P.E. we’ll probably be doing all the athletics we’ve not done yet and for me that’s the 1500m and 800m. Then in the afternoon, I’ve got to play my flute in the Swing Band in front of the whole bloody school and I’ll probably have to get a platinum [mega swot] award certificate too.

Who knows what else will happen.

BYE!

Wednesday 22nd It was the last day of school today. It wasn’t too bad but it could’ve been better.

Mr M’s assembly was as I thought it would be. He didn’t embarrass me though. He was just going back over the year and telling us stories about people. Then he started going on about the best excuses and stuff. He said the best excuse for being late was from Jim Brackenhurst with, “I had to bring in the cows.”

There were loads of others but the one I remember was the best absence note from Graham Baxter. It was something along the lines of:-

Dear Mr M,

Graham has been absent from school as he has been having muscle spasms in his neck. This has left his head in a peculiar position. The doctor said it’s the worst case he’s ever seen. Graham was not able to return to school until his head was able to move more freely.

I felt so sorry for him but it was funny.

Ralph also had to go down and get a card off the Food teacher Miss D coz he did so much for the carnival.

In English we didn’t do anything coz it was Mrs N’s last day in our school so we were giving her presents and stuff.

It was a top P.E. lessons. Most people just joined the Music group for kareoki [Spellchecker hates me for that.] but me, Rach and Mr P-K were bored so he found a starter pistol in the bottom of a drawer. He decided to try it out so he filled it up and pretended he was a cowboy in the Sports Hall. Then he let me and Rach have 4 shots each. He’s gotta be one of the best teachers. He gave us Extra Stong Mints too.

The last assembly was so humiliating. We had to play 3 sad songs in Swing Band [Sad as in rubbish rather than totes emoshe.] and I was in full view of Ralph and Ferny who were sat there grinning at me. They knew I didn’t want to do it.

Jez Greenhalgh told Emma we sounded pretty good afterwards. Yeah, I know, but it was still embarrassing and that was a sheep’s opinion anyway.

We also had to do a free concert at the British Legion. It went quite well actually. While I was there, I was thinking about the lack of nice lads going to Paris. There’s only about 3 slightly above average and that’s Charlie Wilson, Dougie and Ewan Swann. [This is not the last you’ll read about Ewan Swann.] Oh well.

BYE!