I can’t get any of it out of my head – 13th June 2000

Tuesday 13th First thing this morning, Bhakti came into our common room looking for Jake. He wasn’t in at that point so she came and spoke to me. She asked how he was and I had to say I didn’t know. She asked about the funeral and I had to say I didn’t know.

She seemed to think it was yesterday because he’d told her they were having it on Monday cos it’s his mum’s birthday. I told her that it’s probably next Monday cos that’s when her birthday is – on the 19th. That’s the only thing I could tell her, although if I hadn’t know when his mum’s birthday is, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her that either. She told me that people were asking for his address so they can send him cards and stuff. Also that his grades will go up by one too.

I get the feeling that people think I’m awful for not knowing anything about the situation and that I should but I don’t ask cos I don’t care. The truth is I do care but I don’t know anything because he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask because I’m scared of him resenting me for making him talk about something that he doesn’t want to talk about.

I think most people know what’s happened now. At 2nd lesson, just before Jake arrived, Freda told me she’d heard about his mum cos Miranda’s been invited to the funeral. This filled me with panic because if Miranda’s going and hasn’t even been going out with Robbie that long, what if Jake asks me??

I wouldn’t know what to do if he asked me to go. I’d feel awful saying no if he wanted me to be there but, if I went, I know I’d probably get upset by it and I’d also feel really uncomfortable because Jake’s kept me out of that part of his life really. I’d feel like I had no right to be there, as if I was intruding. Hopefully he won’t put me in that position. I’ve also got a Sports Studies mock exam on Monday but I could hardly use that as an excuse cos it seems so unimportant compared to someone’s funeral.

Sarah doesn’t think he’ll ask me because he’s kept me separate from it all so far but as soon as I told Hayley when the funeral is, she expected me to be going along without him even asking me. Abby says that if he asks me I “have to go” really. I’m so confused about what I should do.

I keep telling myself to forget about it for now and worry about it if he does ask me to go but then if he did and I hadn’t thought about it, I’d be stuck for words again. I’d planned the sort of thing I’d say to him when he told me she’d died but when it came to it though, my mind went totally blank. I just don’t know what to do.

He was being okay again when he came in. Bhakti found him and started talking to him about funerals and stuff so I left them to it because, again, I felt like it was a conversation that I shouldn’t have been listening to. I don’t know if that was the case though.

At the end of lunch, I asked if he was staying for the rest of the afternoon. He said no and that he wouldn’t see me until Friday. He didn’t say why and, yet again, I didn’t want to ask for fear of making him tell me something he didn’t want to.

In all my lessons after that, I felt like crying and if someone had raised their voice to me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to help it. I’ve kept crying a bit all evening at various times, mainly through the frustration of not being able to concentrate on revision because of all this and because I keep thinking about it all. I can’t get any of it out of my head.

At some point this week, I can see myself just crying uncontrollably because everything’s building up. I also remembered before that Jake’s going away in a few weeks for a month and I’m hardly getting to see him now. That’s really selfish, isn’t it? He’s got good reasons for not being around so much.

If I do snap, I really don’t want him to be around or anyone to tell him because I don’t think he realises this is all affecting me quite so much (although this is probably nothing compared to him and his family) and I don’t want him to have to worry about me as well or him to think I’m stupid for getting upset cos it’s not a member of my family that’s died recently.

I can’t get my head round all this. There’s no way I’m going to pass any of my exams so I don’t know how the heck Jake and Robbie are managing.

Bye!

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I didn’t know what to say – 8th June 2000

Thursday 8th Sarah, Gethin, Jake and I all went to the Trafford Centre this afternoon, mainly because Gethin wanted to go in Starbucks again! That’s where we ended up spending most of the day! We did wander round the shops for a while and when we were in Topshop, the lads raced over to stare at the shoe section as soon as one of them spotted a pair of cowboy style boots!

Neither of them can explain why they’ve got a thing for cowboy gear! Gethin asked Jake if he’d prefer a totally naked girl or one with cowboy stuff on to try and explain. Jake said it was totally different but eventually said cowboy stuff cos then lads can use their imagination too! It still didn’t explain the cowboy stuff though! There was also a poster of a model in a cowboy hat and bikini which they wanted to take down and put in the car to take home with them!

Jake dropped us all off at home on the way back and left me until last. By then I was still getting phone calls from Hugo as I had been doing all afternoon. I didn’t think anything of it cos Jake had his phone switched off and Hugo usually rings me if he can’t get through to Jake’s phone. I also didn’t think much of the fact the Jake wouldn’t let me answer it cos I know he doesn’t particularly like me talking to Hugo, probably for fear that he’s going to tell me stuff I don’t need to know!

Anyway, just as I was about to get out of the car when he pulled up by my house, he explained why he hadn’t wanted me to speak to Hugo. He told me that his mum died this morning and that he wanted me to hear it from him first rather than Hugo.

I was just totally shocked because he seemed so cheerful today and I didn’t think it would happen quite this soon either. I didn’t know what to say. I think I just said, “Has she?” first of all because I couldn’t quite believe it. He just said how he doesn’t really like talking about it so I said, “Fair enough” or something and gave him a hug cos he asked for one. We had a quick snog but his watch beeped and made us laugh so I went home.

It’s still not really sunk in. He just told me in such an “Oh by the way…” type way too. That was one of the last things I expected him to have told me after such a good day out. He also told me that he wasn’t “mega-upset” or anything.

I spoke to Hugo briefly this evening. He said he’d spoken to Jake who’d told him I looked a bit “shell-shocked” when he told me. Hugo also said that he hadn’t expected it either and that Jake’s probably not “mega-upset” because he knew it was going to happen and it was just more the when that was worrying him because of exams and stuff. Hugo also reckons it’s a bit of a weight off Jake’s shoulders too.

Apparently his sister, Clara, and their dad are most upset and they left it a while before telling Robbie because he had exams today. I think Hugo said that they’re not sure when they’re going to have the funeral because of all the exams and stuff but he was breaking up so I didn’t quite catch that bit.

Hugo repeated that Jake doesn’t tell many people about it because he doesn’t want them to think he’s doing it for attention. I wouldn’t think that but I know what he means. I’ve hesitated when deciding whether to tell people certain stuff before now for the same reason.

It took me ages to get round to telling my mum tonight. For a start, I didn’t know when or what to say to her so I just said it during Eastenders. I thought she was going to cry but she managed to control it and kept asking how Jake was. I had to say I didn’t know cos I really don’t. She kept saying how she felt sorry for them all, especially his dad.

I felt guilty telling her cos I don’t feel like I should cos it feels like it’s not my place to say cos it’s none of my business but she wouldn’t have found out another way soon, and if she’d have found out from someone else in the future somehow then she’d wonder why I hadn’t said anything now. I sort of had to tell her really.

I also told Abby because she’s known what went on before and if I hadn’t said something, Mum might’ve done. I’m assuming Dad knows too. I don’t think any of them’ll say anything to anyone.

Sarah rang me before and starting asking if I know why Hugo had been trying to phone so much (he also rang her, probably to get hold of me). I didn’t tell her at first cos, again, I didn’t feel like I should and also I didn’t want her to think I was trying to get attention if she thought I was upset (which is why I can see why Jake thinks that). She asked again later in the conversation and also if I thought something bad had happened so I sort of had to tell her then. I felt a bit guilty again.

She sent me a message before saying she’d had to tell her mum because she’d looked upset when she’d finished talking to me and her mum wanted to know why. Her dad probably knows now too but she says they won’t tell anyone else and neither will she.

Hayley phoned before. I didn’t tell her. Apparently Andy’s seeing another girl. I can’t say I didn’t expect it!

Hugo rang again just now. I’ve been on the phone to him for about 45 minutes! He can’t half talk, that lad!! We were just talking about Jake again as well as other subjects such as Hugo having a squirrel in his exam room! He also told me that Jake’s said he’s snogged about 20 people! That was one of those pieces of information I could’ve done without knowing!

I keep getting upset a bit at various intervals, although I feel like if Jake doesn’t seem that upset (which he probably is) then why should I be?

I think I need to get some sleep.

Bye!