I’m left with 16p in the whole world!! – 1st-3rd June 2000

Thursday 1st Jake and I went round to Gethin’s again tonight. This time we were both totally sober and had to leave under orders from our parents at 1:00 am. There were quite a few people there but we still got the sofa and the whole living room at one point to ourselves.

Hayley was in a better mood and she actually left us alone too!

All we really did was kiss.

We left it as late as possible before we went home. He kept saying he wanted my face there all the time and that he wants a photo of me screwing up my nose (like I do when he touches it or when I’m going to sneeze) to take to Canada cos it’s “dead cute”!


Friday 2nd to Saturday 3rd P. [period] + first Dianette pill at 6:00 pm on Saturday.

That’s the worst night out I’ve had in ages!!

Tonight, the usual 5 of us, plus Georgia (so Hayley wouldn’t feel like “a gooseberry”) went out to The Dog again. It was quite good while we were there cos the bar staff are beginning to recognise us and one lady called Val kept persuading us to make all our drinks doubles!

I had quite a good chat with Jake again. He said he does want to go to Canada for the skiing but then doesn’t want to go cos he doesn’t want to leave me. He said there’s no way he’ll forget about me while he’s there cos there’s no way he’ll ever forget about me. He said again that he wants a photo of me screwing my nose up and smiling to take with him!

He’s going away round Europe on 2nd July but he says he will see me in Holland while I’m on the Swing Band trip cos he’s got to drop Charlie Wilson off with us on 21st July.

Due to Georgia not normally coming out with us, the lads received some odd looks off her when we started painting their nails! Okay, maybe it’s not normal but Gethin explained to her that it’s become routine now! Jake actually removed his while we were in there (I had some remover pads) because he didn’t like the colour! He always leaves the little finger nail on his left hand painted though as “a reminder”! He actually didn’t take much persuading to let me paint them this time cos he said he wanted us both to have the same colour on! Maybe I should worry!!

Gethin’s invented a new drink (which has probably been done before!) which he named a Starshooter. It involved whisky, Taboo and Coke, I think. Unfortunately, Jake drank a bit too much on an empty stomach so got very pissed, very quickly.

It was when we left The Dog that the night began to go downhill. We ended up waiting for a taxi for over half an hour before someone told us it’d been and gone so we then had to call another. Jake was lolling all over the place so it was clear that I wasn’t going to get very far with him. In fact, I didn’t get a proper kiss out of his all night cos as soon as we got back to Gethin’s, he collapsed out on a bed and fell asleep.

I went down to get some food and by the time I went back upstairs to see Jake, he was capable of speech and movement. That was the point where I got extremely pissed off cos I had about an hour before I’d have to go home and I realised there was no hope of me even snogging him. Plus, I probably won’t see him all week and this was the last chance of getting a bed or sofa to ourselves that we’ll get for a good while. I just felt like crying, basically because of the disappointment, but I managed to control myself.

That was until my dad rang my mobile and yelled at me for not being home and also cos Abby wasn’t in too (which was hardly my fault!). I’d told them I wouldn’t get back until about 2:00 am and it was only 1:45 am when he phoned. I just burst into tears! I couldn’t help it! Everything had just built up through the evening and that set me off.

Gethin and Sarah were being dead nice but Jake was still virtually unconscious upstairs. Well, he might as well have been anyway! I did go up and he’d sort of sobered up and kept asking for a hug. At first I went all stubborn cos he’d annoyed me but then, as usual, I gave in cos I can’t resist him!

I got a taxi home eventually which cost me £8! Now, I’m left with 16p in the whole world!!

I got a bollocking from Mum cos Abby still wasn’t in to take it out on so I just went to bed.

I remember something I overheard Gethin and Jake saying at Gethin’s. Jake had been whinging that he was going to fail his exam cos he can’t concentrate on revision cos of me and other stuff (I assumed he meant his mum) so Gethin asked him what was more important, me or exams. He said, “Tessa!” 🙂

I couldn’t sleep at home cos nextdoor switched an outdoor light on which shone in my window and made birds sing and then they put loud music on and then it got light anyway!

I sent Jake a message cos he’d asked me to. I asked him what he’d asked my Magic 8 Ball keyring cos it’d given him the answer “looks good” in The Dog but he wouldn’t tell me what he’d asked. He sent one back saying he’ll tell me if it ever comes true. I tried to send another but it wouldn’t let me so I gave up and sent it this morning.

I woke up to 3 missed calls from Jake so I asked why he rang, said it’d been a bad night and pleaded him to tell me what he’d asked the keyring! I got 2 messages back saying, “I THINK I RANG YOU WHILE I WAS WRITING YOUR MSG! GLAD YOU’RE OK!! I KNOW THAT WAS AWFUL! IT REALLY UPSET ME SEEING YOU CRY! : ( …” and then, “I ASKED IT IF WE WOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER + GET MARRIED!! : ) I KNOW I WRITE IT A LOT – BUT I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU!! SORRY I WASN’T MUCH USE LSAT NIGHT! XJx”.

I didn’t think lads cared about asking 8-Balls stuff like that! It’s so sweet! I took me a while to answer him so I got another message asking if he’d frightened me by saying that. I told him that of course he hadn’t! I also apologised for the possibility that my parents will make me come home earlier in future but he said, “DON’T BE SORRY! IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! WE’LL JUST HAVE TO LEAVE A BIT EARLIER FROM NOW ON! IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! LOTS OF HUGS n KISSES! : ) Jx”.

I took the first Dianette pill today (Saturday) for future reference.


I’ve just been moaning to Jake about my parents and he’s sent me a message saying, “ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN’T SAY OR DO SOMETHING TO THEM?? JUST IGNORE THEM – SOMEBODY LOVES YOU! xJx”. As usual, it’s the end of his message that’s the best part! He said he can’t send me anymore messages tonight until he’s finished work cos the landlord’s been shouting at him for sending too many!”



We bought knickers and went back to the balcony – 30th & 31st May 2000

Tuesday 30th to Wednesday 31st Jake, Gethin, Hayley, Sarah and I all went for a trip to the Trafford Centre on Tuesday. My mum gave us all a lift there because Jake’s car had been in the garage. That part I wasn’t particularly looking forward to cos I thought my mum’d say something to embarrass me in front of Jake! In actual fact, it wasn’t too bad! Everyone kept pretty quiet!

Gethin was the one who really led the shopping trip cos the rest of us have no money so we just followed him about. He wanted a sarong to wear as a joke on the next Swing Band trip but couldn’t find one so then he moved onto cowboy hats in Topshop. He kept putting them on me, Sarah and Hayley, and then when we’d gone out of the shop, he and Jake were sort of whispering behind us and eventually said they’d buy cowboy hats for me and Sarah.

We thought that was a great idea until we realised it was a bit odd. We eventually got it out of Jake that both of them had ‘a thing’ about cowboy hats on girls! He said it’s really the only thing they’ve got in common! I also found out later that Jake likes the whole cowgirl look. I assume he means with hat, boots and probably like the suede bra thing with a fringe that I tried on in Topshop before I realised what was going on! He didn’t see me in that though.

We next took a trip into Boots to get a photo done in the booth of all 5 of us. →


We didn’t want crappy little ones so we tortured ourselves by getting 5 separate big ones done so we could all have a decent sized one! It got very hot and sweaty in there and also very painful after a while!

Sarah and Hayley went off for a drink in Starbucks so I followed the lads. I kept losing Jake to any Quiksilver stuff! He’s so sad! He was looking at the most hideous shirt I’ve ever seen (bright orange with flowery things) and it was surrounded by perfectly nice shirts which he just ignored!

We eventually joined the others in Starbucks and sat on the table in the corner of the balcony. Hayley started to cry and said she wanted to go to New Look so, stupidly, I agreed to go with her. All I got was, “Oh, Andy, Andy, Andy!!” and “Why does he hate me?” you know, the usual stuff that I have to hear about 50 times a day!

We bought knickers and went back to the balcony. Then Sarah wanted to go to the same shop so I went again. She bought a cowboy hat and we went back to the lads. By then they’d overdosed on caffeine and Jake kept trying to make me wear the hat!

After that, we headed for the bus station. Hayley was whinging that she was a gooseberry again and that she’s on her own in the group cos there’s me and Jake, Gethin and Sarah, and Floyd and Cat (sort of!). Jake said something like, “I’ll have you!” He was joking (I think!) but it annoyed me cos it gave Hayley a smug smile.

I got pissed off on the way back too cos when we were waiting for a bus, Gethin sat between me and Jake, and then on the bus Hayley sat next to me.

We went back to the bus station near Jake’s so he could pick up his car and take us all back to Hayley’s village. I didn’t realise that it’d involve having to go in his house but it did! He’s got a nice house and a nice bedroom which makes mine look like a right tip! He’s got a dead good new mobile now which was on his bed. His new number’s 07989 ******.

I also had a look at his skis when he was taking them downstairs to show some woman who was talking to his dad. While he was gone, I noticed he had all my Valentine’s stuff that I gave to him and my postcard from skiing all on one shelf. He’s also got a toy bunny called Thumper in his bed (he tried to hide it!) and an old hedgehog puppet!

When we were downstairs in the kitchen, his dad came in to talk to us. He seems okay. Actually, he reminded me of Hugo a bit but I won’t be telling Jake that!

When Jake dropped me off at home so I could pick up my stuff for staying at Gethin’s, my dad came home and spoke to him briefly about his Beetle. That wasn’t too embarrassing either!

We had a good night at Gethin’s, except for Hayley who was constantly miserable and ended up in a mood with me cos I shouted at her to stop being so pathetic! She didn’t like to hear that!! I also had a good long chat with Lizzie cos she’s upset about Sarah and Hayley being bitchy towards her. I told her they’re totally out of order (which they are) and to at least try and ignore them cos she’s got plenty of other friends.

I was on the sofa with Jake for a long time and he kept trying to make me wear the hat again! He said he doesn’t know why he likes them! It was really nice just sitting there with him for that long. He’s recently taken to sucking my fingers if they go anywhere near his mouth (dunno why!) and I discovered that he likes having the back of his neck stroked.

Hayley’s departing words to me were, “It’s so nice to know who your friends are!” so I told her to fuck off and enjoyed the rest of the night! A good part of it was taken up with everyone slagging off Hayley which made me feel a bit less guilty when I realised I’m not the only one who really can’t stand her at the moment!

Eventually, Jake and I ended up lying on Gethin’s brother’s bed where we’d been told we could sleep. We were mostly just snogging but then…

[Really sorry everyone but I censored this bit before I went to uni for fear of my mum finding and reading my diaries whilst I was away. I’d done it on previous entries but can normally read through the black marker if I hold it up to the light. Unfortunately I did too good a job of crossing this bit out. I’ll try and read it in the daylight over the weekend but, to give you the gist for now, we both got up to number 3 of the Snogging Code if I remember rightly.]


… barbeque ribs! I don’t think he saw anything!

We ate them all and cleaned up afterwards and then got back to kissing. I didn’t think anything else was going to happen with us cos he was making no attempt to try anything so I did! This time, I think stuff went over Gethin’s bro’s bed but then I wasn’t sure what stains were there already! The rest of the night passed leaving me wanting to crunch ice cubes and peel labels off bottles!

We both got a bit of sleep and then just lay there cuddling for hours in the morning. I really do love him.


He had his hand down my top for all of 2 minutes! – 28th May 2000

Sunday 28th Abby’s b’day!

Sarah had a little all-night gathering at her house tonight which involved her, Gethin, Hayley, Floyd, Jake and me. We all got pretty drunk pretty quickly so it was quite a good laugh. Jake stayed on one of the sofas pretty much all night so I stayed there with him.

Due to music being played pretty much throughout the night, Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden kept coming on so is yet another song that’s going to remind me of Jake. [Ugh… Vom.]

Every time I tried to get up, Jake tried to stop me. I like it when he doesn that cos it means he wants me to stay!

Hayley went all suicidal at one point so I had to go and sort her out. All I really wanted to do was go back to Jake but I didn’t for fear of later finding her swinging on the end of a rope from the ceiling or something. Gethin and Sarah also had a word with her and she seemed to cheer up a bit, especially when Andy answered her call.

Floyd was pretty happy all night because on Thursday night he’d been rolling round on Brian’s bedroom flood with Cat apparently!

Sarah was kept happy once she’d snogged Gethin in her bed! Gethin was just being his normal mad self!

I was happy to be with Jake but when it got light this morning, I was left slightly frustrated cos we hadn’t got any further than just kissing, except when he had his hand down my top for all of 2 minutes! I can’t believe we wasted the opportunity to do more. Even Sarah and Gethin did and we’ve been going out for well over 3 months! Oh well, maybe next time if there is one. I really would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by that night. I’ll know not to get my hopes up next time, I suppose!

Jake did say “Love you” once this morning and said something about wanting to eat my arm. I think he meant in an affectionate way, not just because he’d had no breakfast! He’s also decided he likes my nose. He says it’s cute, especially when I screw it up when he goes to kiss it or touch it!

He looked very cute this morning! He had Wallace and Gromit pyjamas on and his hair had gone all fluffy! He looked like a little kid!

I got a message from Jake when I got home and it said something about me needing to get beauty sleep. Charming! He then sent me another to explain, “I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT YOU DIDN’T NEED BEAUTY SLEEP BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY BEAUTIFUL BUT I COULDN’T FIT IT IN THE MESSAGE! I BETTER NOT GO TO GETHIN’S TONIGHT OR MY DAD WILL MOAN AT ME FOR GOING OUT FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW + NOT REVISING!”

Liar! I still don’t know what he sees in me at all!

I sent him a message before asking if he was going to round to Gethin’s tonight and I said that I was still really tired but would go if he was. He said, “OK! HAYLEY AND GETHIN HAVE JUST RUNG ME – THEY ARE COOKING! I’LL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY IF WE GO SHOPPING?? P.S. I’M FLATTERED YOU WOULD GO IF I WAS GOING! : ) LOVE xJx”.

After that but a bit later on, I sent him a message apologising for falling asleep at Sarah’s! He sent me one back saying, “IT’S OK! JUST BEING WITH YOU MAKES IT A GOOD NIGHT! EVEN IF YOU ARE ASLEEP! YOU WOULD ONLY FEEL WORSE NOW IF YOU HADN’T FALLEN ASLEEP!! LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

He also sent another saying that I looked really cute when I’m asleep and that he wouldn’t want to wake me up after I told him he should’ve done. I also said that it had been a good night but admitted that I felt it’d been slightly wasted. He said, “OH WELL WE’LL GET ALL NIGHT TOGETHER AT GETHIN’S SO I’LL MAKE SURE YOU DON’T FALL ASLEEP! WE MIGHT GET A LITTLE MORE PRIVACY AND A COMFIER BED TOO?!! LOVE xJx”.

I told him that in order to get more privacy we might have to get Sarah to keep Gethin occupied! Jake said, “YES! – I’M SURE SHE WON’T MIND GOING ALONG WITH THAT!! WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO ROUND? BETTER MAKE SURE SARAH IS THERE AT THE SAME TIME! LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!! : ) xJx”.

I did reply to that one but he didn’t send any back for a couple of hours. I assumed he’d fallen asleep for the night but then at 11:33 pm I got a message from him saying, “I LOVE YOU! NIGHT NIGHT! : ) xJx”. That’s all it said but it didn’t half make me smile!


I hid under my umbrella – 26th May 2000

Friday 26th I had a doctor’s appointment this morning cos my skin seems to be going bad again. I also asked him about a rash I seem to have on my head which is making my hair come out more than normal but he said it’s nothing to worry about cos I’ve got really healthy hair!

For my skin though, he’s decided to change from my usual antibiotics to a contraceptive pill. It begins with a D but I can’t remember the name. I’m just a bit worried about some of the side effects it might have. We’ll have to wait and see, I suppose.

I walked to the doctor’s this morning and on my way past school I saw Jake’s car with someone that looked like him leaning on the passenger side, looking in. I hid under my umbrella cos I had no make-up on and didn’t want him to see me! I don’t know if it was even him cos I’m sure he had a Geography exam on.

Hayley, Sarah, Gethin, Jake and I all went to The Dog tonight. It was pretty similar to last week really, with Gethin and Sarah getting on well, Jake and I cuddling each other and chatting, and Hayley sat in the corner looking thoroughly miserable and playing Snake on Sarah’s phone. Every so often, Hayley’d say, “I knew it’d be like this! I shouldn’t have come!” Too right she shouldn’t!! We can do without her trying to make us all feel guilty and bring us down to her sad, depressed gooseberry level!!

Yet again, Jake let me paint his nails and (eventually!) let me put a bit of purple hair mascara on him. It didn’t show up though. We discovered we both had Gul watched and that, before he got his Quiksilver strap, it’d been one the same as mine, only blue. I nearly got the blue strap with my watch too rather than my yellow one. For some reason, we swapped straps and I’ve still got his now!

We also discovered that we both used to suck our thumb up until about the last year of primary school, except he sucked his right one and I sucked my left. That led us onto the subject of teeth because we’d both stopped sucking our thumbs in time to prevent our teeth sticking out too far (according to our dentists)! I then started telling him why I’ve got gaps in my teeth (one tooth lying horizontally in my gum) and how my dentist had wanted me to have an operation and then a brace to sort them all out. Jake said, “It just wouldn’t be you” if I’d changed. Course it would, I’d just have straighter teeth! We then started talking about how we’d never had dummies cos our parents hadn’t liked them! We have some strange conversations!

At some point, he said something about me having nice big eyes or something. Also, he said I can have the video of him when he was little with a Brummie accent!! I’m pretty sure he’ll change his mind about lending me that!

We all walked back to Hayley’s village. We stopped at the Chinese in my village and then at my house to eat it and my dad came home. It wasn’t too embarrassing actually!

Jake and I also kept stopping to kiss. Apparently Hayley wasn’t too pleased but Sarah and Gethin snogged while they were waiting for us to catch up so I don’t think they minded!

Jake and I have decided to swap fleeces when he goes to Canada. I’m having his sheep fleece and he can have my Fila one!

Yet again though tonight, we didn’t get any further than kissing. I mean, we both had cold hands and there wasn’t really a good situation for us to do anything more. I don’t really mind though. I like being with him so I don’t mind what does or doesn’t happen anymore.


P.S. I got one nice message off him but I fell asleep after that! He’d sent me one earlier, signing it off as “xTx” so I asked if that was deliberate. He said, “SORRY! GOT MIXED UP! IT’S COS I’M THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH! WANT YOU AND YOUR FLEECE HERE! YOU’RE NO USE IN YOUR BED ARE YOU?! LOVE YOU TOO : ) xJx (GOT IT!!)”.

Distressed moody gooseberry – 25th May 2000

Thursday 25th Jake had a General Studies exam this morning so I didn’t see him then but he stayed in college all afternoon with me. He’s recently gone a lot more sort of cuddly. I don’t mean he’s put on weight or anything, it’s just that he holds my hand and leans on me and cuddles me much more in front of people in the common room whereas he used to just sit on a chair next to me! I much prefer it how he is now!! I think I’ve said all that actually.

Hayley, Georgia, Rach, Lena, Gethin, Jake and I all went to Altrincham Ice Rink tonight because we’re not in college tomorrow (inset day). Jake’s quite a good skater and I’m not bad either (meaning I stay upright!) so we just skated round together or stood cuddling by the barrier. He had no gloves so his hands were freezing so he put them down the back of my jeans. I liked that cos that’s what you tend to see real couples doing sometimes, know what I mean?!

Hayley had a bit of a strop at one point (we expect it at some point now, EVERY TIME she comes out with us). This time it was because Rach, Gethin and Lena were getting a taxi home earlier cos they wanted to call in on Brian’s little gathering. Hayley then thought that they were trying to persuade Georgia to go with them (they weren’t) so she thought she’d “get stuck” with me and Jake and be “made to feel like a gooseberry”.

I don’t know if she realises it but everyone is getting so sick of her being a pathetic moody little cow! Rach said, “Hayley’s being so childish” so Georgia then said, “She is, isn’t she?! Wish me luck!” and then bombed it over the ice to have a go at Hayley! I think it worked, whatever Georgia said, but then when Georgia snogged some lad, Hayley did her distressed moody gooseberry thing again!

On the way home, Jake actually took everyone else before me for a change and then asked if I wanted to go somewhere else other than home. I just said I might as well go home cos I didn’t think that not going home would’ve meant longer with him. (I was tired, okay?! My brain wasn’t working properly!) I don’t know where he’d have taken me though. We did end up stopping in The Green Dragon car park so we had a good long snog! That kept me satisfied!


That sounds really big-headed – 24th May 2000

Wednesday 24th Grandma S’s birthday!

Jake came in about lunchtime because he had to bring his brother to his German GCSE exam. I had 4th lesson off because there was some exam in the computer rooms so I couldn’t do CLAIT [some sort of IT lesson] and then we had to deliver leaflets for Mrs L around the new housing estate at last lesson. Jake drove me and Hayley there and helped us.

We found a house called ‘Taylor House’ or something which is up for sale with a ‘Taylor Estates’ sign outside it! We got to see Hayley’s man that she’s been stalking. He’s a bit chunky but not bad looking. He was playing volleyball with his dad and the ball rolled to my feet so I kicked it back and he said, “Cheers!” Jake said he wanted to hold my hand when we walked past him cos he’d probably fancy me! 🙂

Actually, Jake irritated me quite a bit when we got back to college. We were drawing and colouring stuff for the nursery school and I was getting bored and was doing it quickly and therefore not very well. I drew a leaf and coloured the stalk green cos I wasn’t concentrating and Jake moaned that it should’ve been brown so I told him to colour it in if he was so bothered. He then told me that the leaf I’d drawn was crap! I’d love to show him some of the stuff I’d done for GCSE Art or just at home cos it is pretty good! Sorry, that sounds really big-headed but I bet he can’t draw realistic looking people!!

Mind you, if that’s the only thing that’s annoyed me about him so far, we must be doing well!


A day in the life of Tessa – 23rd May 2000

Tuesday 23rd Hayley was still speaking to me this morning. It just went back to how it is normally is. Although, she was in floods of tears when she was talking to Georgia about something. It was probably about Andy so I just kept out of it cos I’m getting sick of her repeating herself when she talks about him!

I saw Jake today. There was no mention of his mum between us. He did seem a bit quiet which would be understandable but then I’m not sure if he’s just normally like that and if I was just more aware of it today now I know there could be a reason behind it.

I told my mum about his mum on the way to Grandma’s tonight. I’ve been dreading telling her cos I don’t want her worrying about how I might be affected and stuff but I knew I’d have to say something eventually anyway.

She started asking me about Jake and what he’s doing now he’s left college and stuff so I took the opportunity to tell her about his mum while we were on the subject of him. She was on the edge of crying when I told her, I could tell by her voice and I could see her eyes beginning to fill up. I found it hard not to cry again myself, especially when she said how I’ll have to do a lot of supporting.

She’s the 3rd person that’s said that. First it was Mrs K then Hugo and now her. I know though!! It’s easier said than done. I’m so worried about saying the wrong thing to him or making him feel worse about it all.

My mum just kept saying how awful it is, especially with a young family, and how awful it’s going to be for her husband. I just wanted to get out of the car cos I thought I was going to cry and didn’t want her to see me do that cos she’d start worrying about me, and she’s got enough to worry about with Grandma and stuff.

I’ve told mum not to say anything to anyone or ask anyone if they know about it and she said she won’t.

Gethin’s done ‘A day in the life of Tessa’ now! →


It’s quite funny in parts, although I could take offence to it! I won’t though cos I know it’s only a joke really! A few other people could find it insulting too actually! Oh well!