I want a hug! – 22nd August 1998

Saturday 22nd I’ve just got off the phone to Bella coz she was asking me about the Art homework and she said she went to see the exhibition of the mosaics from Longford at the library. That wasn’t the part I was interested in. She said she saw Finn (that’s why I wish I’d been there) and he said hi. He was showing it all to his mum.

She also said that there was a photo of us up. It was the one taken where Finn and I were stood very close. I hope it’s a good one of me but Bella said I wasn’t looking at the camera.

Anyway, Emma went with Freddie last night. Freddie went with Emma, Suzanna the Slapper and a complete stranger. She said they didn’t go to the cinema coz Howler and this other lad were late. Howler smokes – Yuk! They were all pissed so I think I’m glad I didn’t go.

There’s a possibility I might be going to Alton Towers on either Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday instead of Blackpool coz Emma’s dad could possibly take us. I bet Adam’s still on holiday. [He lived near Alton Towers.] If he isn’t, I’m scared of seeing him coz I’ve only ever talked to him. I might not like him in real life. He could be a minger coz he’s still not sent that pic. Oh well, I might not even be going there.


Finn

I’m not sure what to write. Well, I do know but dunno how I can put it into words. I was just going to have another moan about me, you see. I’ve been trying to work out what my bloody problem is. I’ll use town last night as an example.

Basically, I didn’t go. Emma said today that I chickened out again. She’s right, I did really. I said I wasn’t feeling too well but that was just an excuse I s’pose. But why? Why don’t I just do stuff? I’ve done it before too like the 1st time Emma went to town, I could’ve done but didn’t.

I think that part of the reason is that I don’t like unpredictability. I’d rather know what to expect.

Another part is that I know what usually ends up happening when Emma, Ralph and Freddie get together. They always wanna get pissed and I don’t. I don’t like what alcohol does to people. I can’t describe what I mean. Okay, a few drinks, fair enough but they always go way overboard and out of control. I’d rather be in control.

Ralph and Freddie and Emma sometimes have also started smoking. I don’t like that either. That’s just plain disgusting. There’s no reason that I can’t explain for me not liking people fagging it.

It’s now that I’ve got to know them better that I feel more uncomfortable with them. I think in the back of my mind I’m worried that they’re going to rope me into the bad little habits. I know I could probably say no to Ralph and Freddie alone but with people I don’t know on their side too, I might not have so much willpower. I probably would refuse them if they tried to get me to drink more than I wanted to or start smoking but then it’s explaining why I wouldn’t do it that I’d have the problem with and I wouldn’t want them to think I was a right geek.

The reason I don’t know for sure how I would react to that kind of pressure is that, so far in my little life, I haven’t been faced with it. The reason why I haven’t been faced with it is that I’ve never let myself. The reason I haven’t let myself is that I’m scared of how I’d react.

It’s all a big vicious cycle. I get so annoyed with myself sometime. It’s because I think too much that I don’t allow myself to go places like town last night because I think of bad things that could happen and I end up convincing myself that I’m best off staying at home. But once I’m home I wish I’d gone to wherever because I don’t want to be missing out.

If I don’t start doing things, I’ll have nothing to tell in the future. I sometimes think about how different this diary would be if I did do all the things I’ve chickened out of. [There might not have been a diary. I’d have been too busy being all sociable to stay in on a Saturday night and write down pages and pages of worries.]

For instance, if I had’ve gone to town last night, I could have way more interesting things to write today than what Bella said on a phone call and what I might be doing next week. I wouldn’t put it past myself to chicken out of going to Alton Towers for fear of not being able to control the situation I might possibly be faced with and then I’d be stuck at home worrying what I’d missed and how different my life could’ve been if I’d gone.

Right, I think I’ve said most of it. The aching up my arm through writing down my thoughts so fast is suggesting that I should stop now.

There’s still something niggling in my mind that I still can’t put into words. If I work out what it is, I’ll tell you.

P.S. I’m sorry but I have to write this down even though I know it’s boring.

I’m just not content at the moment. There’s been the odd times recently when I have been but they never lasted long. A while back it was the Ralph dilemma and then it was something else. Now I’m worried that my friends are going off, making new groups of friends and leaving me behind. If I try to join in as well I’ll just feel the odd one out and I don’t want that.

I want a hug!

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