Tag Archives: pessimism

It’s always the mingers that like me – 30th November 1998

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Monday 30th

I do not believe my life at the moment! I’ve not had much good happening to me recently. Nothing ever seems to go my way.

Ewan’s not bloody well going to the garden centre Xmas part. He’s going to a Manic Street Preachers concert. [Aha! I’ve been trying to remember for years why I hated the Manic Street Preachers! I knew it was something daft from school and this is it.] Why does it have to be on Friday 11th December? Out of all the days in the year it would have to be on that one, wouldn’t it, hey?!

I’ll tell you why. It’s because that’s just my bloody luck. Every time I’m in with a chance with a lad I really like, it gets blown coz summit happens. [And that summit was usually that I chickened out.] For example, in Austria I was very friendly with Ferny on the way back from the disco and I had his fleece on too and then bloody Rani comes up and drags me away coz she’s on her bill.

Also, on the same holiday we were having a snowball fight and I was happily rolling down a hill with Ferny and getting very close again and then we had to all go back to our ski group but he hurt his knee so he moved away from my group to another one.

Then there was Ed’s party which I didn’t bother going to coz I thought nobody interesting was going, only to find out that next day that Ewan had been there and he said (when he was totally sober) that he would have gone with [snogged] me if I’d have been there.

And now this happens. Ewan can’t go to the party. How annoying is that? Surely I must be due for summit to happen to me lad-wise. Although I won’t count on it!

Emma was talking to Murray Ross this morning and when she asked him if his cousin liked me he said yes. Okay, I’m flattered I s’pose but yet again it’s always the mingers that like me, never actually anyone fit. [I wasn’t exactly a catch either.]

Oh yeah, another 2 chances I had which got pissed up… Finn, this fit lad, came and gave some kids a hand while I was on work experience. He was 17 and drop-dead-gorgeous and just as we were starting to get on really well he had to go back to college. Also, Alex McLean lived across the road from my cousins then he moved to bleedin’ Shetland of all places!

I’ve just got back from the 6th Form college open evening. I’ve decided that for A-level I’m going to take Biology, Sports Science and maybe Sociology and also an RSA course in Computer Studies or summit.

Ewan was there which is a good sign and so was this really fit lad. He was tall with dark hair and glasses but not nerdy looking and my dad said hi to his dad and I found out he’s part of the Baker family and lives just across the road from me in the new house. I hope I see him about but, knowing my luck, he’s probably either a complete dickhead, really shy, already taken by another girl or gay. Maybe not but likely!

BYE!

All she seems to talk about is her hair – 18th June 1998

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Thursday 18th I’ve been feeling a bit left out of everything for the last couple of days. It might just be me being sensitive bit it feels as if nobody really cares I’m there.

– Emma’s too busy with Freddie all the time and all she seems to talk about is her hair and how many spots she has today.

– Hayley would rather I wasn’t here at all coz she’s decided she wants a boyfriend so has started fancying Ferny again and, of course, I’m competition aren’t I?

– Ralph just doesn’t give a toss about me anymore which is a big difference from the beginning of last week.

– Rachael went to Emma’s house last night and they phoned Freddie and evidently they were talking about me. I dunno what was said though.

– Ed seems to think I’ve been telling Dougie (James Douglas) things about him when I haven’t said a word. I dunno what’s going on.

I also get the feeling that nobody’s telling me anything anymore and I’m always the last to know about things and nobody bothers to tell me any changes. It’s like this thing with Ralph and Emma organising going to Manchester. It was only by chance I found out that he and Freddie are coming down to Emma’s village instead. I just happened to ask what was going on at the end of school and Emma told me. I wonder if anyone would have bothered to fill me in otherwise.

I’ve not been happy at all since Wednesday really. It’s awful. I hate letting things get on top of me but they have.

All I want to sort out is this thing with Ralph and for him to ask me out again, get a work experience place sorted and for everything to get back to how it was before. I can’t see that happening somehow.

BYE!

 

He won’t want to get called a fridge – 22nd & 23rd February 1998

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Sunday 22nd I went to Emma’s today. She’s regretting snogging 3 lads. When we get back to school she wants me to stick up for her if people start calling her a slag but that’ll be awkward coz I agree with them. [Only because I was well jel.]

She thinks Ferny likes me. I still dunno.

BYE!

Monday 23rd Life is so unfair sometimes! One lad I thought I had a chance with [Contradictory to what I wrote the day before.] has been grabbed by one of my mates. Grrr!!!

Hayley’s asked Ferny out.

She knew I liked him a lot which makes it even more bloody annoying. She told me this morning that she was going to ask him out so, at lunch (to get a hint of what he might say), Emma asked him if he still liked Hayley. He paused and said, “Mmm… no.” Then she asked him what he’d say if she asked him out and he gave the same answer. I just said, “Oh good!” and I think he heard me.

I was happy all afternoon then until last break. Rachael H asked him out for Hayley anyway and he said, “I dunno, I’ll tell you tomorrow.” If he really didn’t wanna go out with her he’d have said no straight away. Bugger!

I’m gonna be so bloody disappointed if he says yes tomorrow which everyone thinks he will. I’m trying to stop myself from liking him now so that I won’t be too gutted but I can’t. I’m probably more nervous than Hayley is about his answer.

Freddie wasn’t in today and neither was Ralph. Emma’s getting really pissed off with that lot coz we saw them at lunch and they started saying that Freddie had gum disease and that he was too embarrassed to come to school now he’d sobered up. I couldn’t stop laughing but I don’t think Emma saw the funny side.

I’m still depressed about Ferny. I can’t stop thinking about it. He’s never been with anyone [I was talking snogging here.] and I wanted to be the first but it doesn’t look like it’s going my way. I think I’ll phone Emma to see if I can get her to cheer me up. But then, knowing her at the moment, she’ll make me worse with all her problems.

I still think he’ll say yes [mainly because I’m a die-hard pessimist but also…] coz
– he’s liked Hayley before
– his mates’ll pressurise him into it
– he won’t want to get called a fridge [A real schooldays fear if I remember rightly.]
– it’ll be the 1st real chance of a girlfriend he’s had etc.

Emma reckons he’ll say no though and he’s keeping her hanging coz he wants to get back at her for chickening out last time.

Okay, it’s a few hours later now and I phoned Emma before. She still thinks Ferny’s gonna say no. I still think he’ll say yes. I can see it all now: If we go anywhere at the weekends, there’ll be the 2 happy couples – Emma and Freddie, Hayley and Ferny – then (not out of choice) me and Ralph will be stuck together.

Oh well, I’ve kind of convinced myself that I don’t give a toss now and I’ll just have to see what happens tomorrow.

BYE!

[Any guesses what’s going to happen?! I genuinely can’t remember and I’ve not turned the page to find out yet. It’s not exactly an edge-of-seat cliffhanger but it’s the best my teenage self could offer.]

I might be dead – 29th November 1997

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Saturday 29th I went round to Emma’s this afternoon. We didn’t really do much. Emma sat and read a Sugar magazine and I sat and watched the rugby on TV. It was Wales v the All Blacks (New Zealand). I wanted Wales to win of course but they got absolutely thrashed 7-42. I still think they played well against a team like that though.

Emma thinks Dougie might possibly fancy me. Her reasons are that I’m not too forward like Hayley but then I’m not too quiet like Lucy. She also thinks I’m quite like him in some ways, sort of clever and sensible (not boring though) and I like a good game of footy!

I’d like to be able to agree with her but I don’t wanna get my hopes up coz it’s unlikely anything will happen. If he really did fancy me then surely his mates would have picked up on it by now and would have said summit.

5 Future readers

Whoever’s reading this now is going to think this is all really stupid but right now this is what’s happening in my life. [i.e. Nothing whatsoever.] I know it’s pretty sad but I might as well write it all down so someone can have a good giggle over it. Hey? Even if it’s me in the future. I wonder what will have changed in my life by then. I might be dead.

So, Mum and Dad, if you read any of these diaries, don’t be shocked. [By what?!] Even if you don’t know about all this, it will still have been happening! [Oh, Mum knew.]

Ok, Man Utd are playing Blackburn Rovers tomorrow. If Man U lose this match then they go down to 2nd place. They’re only the 1 point clear. Nail-biting stuff.

BYE!

P.S. I’ve hurt my back somehow.

What a babe! – 6th October 1997

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Monday 6th At lunch today, Zoe went over and asked Charlie W if he’d go out with Emma. He didn’t say anything at first but then Danny Barnes (What a babe!) came over and asked me (ME!!!) which one it was. I pointed to Emma and asked him what Charlie said. He just told me no. I don’t think Charlie ever actually goes out with anyone, he just goes with [snogs] ‘em!

Dougie won’t look at me. Whenever I walk past him I always try to look discreetly at him to see if he’s looking at me. I don’t know if he really doesn’t notice me or if he’s doing what I do! I’m starting to think he doesn’t even like me now!

BYE!

October 1997 - JDDB

[…and secretly CW]

He told me to feel his hand – 4th October 1997

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Saturday 4th Emma and I went to Dougie’s village this afternoon. It took about 20 mins to get there and we were knackered. I wanted to call on Lizzie first but Emma wanted to go for Lucy so we did. [Lucy very conveniently lived next door to Dougie.]

I wanted to see Dougie but I also didn’t. D’you know what I mean?! We got past his house without seeing him and went for Lucy. Her sister answered the door and Lucy was eating her lunch so we went for Lizzie. She wasn’t in. She’d gone to her nan’s and swimming I think so we went back to Lucy’s again.

Lucy suggested calling on Dougie to see if he wanted to come so we sent her round. He didn’t. His middle sis had answered the door and said he was having a shower and doing homework.

We ended up taking our bikes to the park and just standing about. Somebody had drawn a picture in pen on one of the swings saying ‘Big Head JD’. We thought it could’ve been James Douglas (Dougie)!

I got bored and made them get off the swings and we cycled back to Lucy’s. We just stood [lurked] on the drive talking and Lucy went back round to Dougie’s. He said to give him a minute so we went inside for a drink.

Emma was just stuffing her face with cake when Dougie came to the front door. I went outside and stood on the drive with the others. There was a really awkward silence and nobody could decide what to do. In the end, we went through onto Dougie’s drive and played basketball. He’s not bad and I go a few in but Lucy and Emma gave up in the end coz they’re crap!

We just stood there shooting and started talking and we started taking the piss out of Charlie W and his party in the car park! It got really boring so Dougie and Lucy thought they would take us up this hill. We left our bikes and started walking. We took a short cut through these trees and I got hit in the eye with a branch. I was stood there with my eye watering and Dougie said, “You alright?” The other two just ignored me.

Anyway, we got through the nettles and brambles and got to the top. It was more open with not so many trees and we just sat on the grass eating Smints and Polos. Dougie then pulled a kite out of his pocket and told us that he knew there’d be nowt to do.

Emma went over to a bush and started picking berries and throwing them at us so Dougie chased her round and did it back. At one point, Lucy and Emma disappeared over the side of the hill and left me and Dougie. He commented on them being lesbians after I’d asked what the hell they were doing.

He went and touched some tree, trying to get off berries to throw at Emma and there was all this waxy stuff on it. He came over and showed me and he told me to feel his hand. I just laughed and said, “No, you’re alright!” and I couldn’t stand it any longer, I just had to get the other two to come back! [For God’s sake! I should’ve just touched his hand. Although, if touching his coat was the best thing since sliced bread, touching his ACTUAL HAND might’ve turned me into a jibbering wreck.]

General 1997 - Heart

Dougie asked them what they’d been doing and Lucy came out with, “We were just rolling round in the grass.” Dougie and I just burst out laughing and got told by Lucy we had sick minds!

We went back to Lucy’s again and said bye as Dougie went home. On the way back, Dougie had trodden in a dead magpie I’d turned over on the way up the hill and he had bits of it on his trainer but I didn’t tell him!

We ended up talking to Dougie again over the fence but not for long coz we had to go home. We told Lucy to come and meet us tomorrow and get Dougie to come too. I want them too, I think, but I don’t think they will.

On the way back, Emma told me that she’d gone over that hill deliberately so Dougie and I were alone. I don’t know what she thought we’d do!

Lucy and Dougie said they saw us leaving the cinema last night but couldn’t be bothered saying hi. Charming!

I can’t decide what Dougie thinks of me. I was pretty miserable today coz Man Utd were playing Crystal Palace and there was nowhere to get the score. If I see him tomorrow, I’ll try and be a bit livelier! I’m a bit worried about someone I know seeing us if we do meet up and then telling Mum or Dad.

Anyway, we probably won’t be going.

BYE!

P.S. The score was 2-0 to Man U. Yey!

If you think the worst, it can only be better! – 9th September 1997

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Tuesday 9th Ok, I over-reacted about P.E. but my theory is that if you think the worst, it can only be better! [Pessimism woz ere.]

I had Science 1st today and that’s when I found out. I was asking Rachael Hollins what lesson she had next and she said P.E! I was so glad about that! Anyway, there’s about 14 of us altogether and only 5 girls. Me, Rachael, Tanya Potter, Daisy Smith and Shauna Adams.

3rd lesson was Maths, 4th was P.E. again only mixed in with other groups (Dougie’s in mine!) and 5th was English.

Emma now reckons that this new lad from the USA, Davis, fancies me too. She thinks it because Freda half heard a conversation and went and told him I fancied him. I think he knows I don’t but Emma thinks it’s made him notice me now! I don’t though. His voice bugs me so much! He always has a go at answering questions too, the swotty bastard! Urgh!!! He’s so annoying! [I too was an annoying, swotty bastard. I was just quieter about it.]

WOW! I’ve got a signed poster from David Beckham! It’s so cool! It says, “To Tess” then his autograph. I’ve gotta tell everyone. My mum got it from Mr Ruan whose son she used to teach. He used to be a footy player for Motherwell and now he works for something footbally.

Anyway, originally we were meant to be getting one from Ryan Giggs but 2 years later we got a Beckham one instead. I think he knows quite a few players. I’ve already got an autograph from Giggsy so I don’t mind.

General 1997 - MUFC rule

BYE!