Even if they are freaks, some lads actually like me – 15th December 1998

Tuesday 15th I’m really worried. I’ve got spots all over my chest and back and I’m getting an increasing amount on my face. It probably sounds really pathetic but to me it’s awful. I can’t stop crying. I came off the Minocycline tablets about a month or two ago and already I’m sure my skin’s going back to how it was before I was given the tablets.

My mum keeps telling me not to be so negative but it’s a bit hard not to be when I know that last time I just had a few spots it turned into full-blown acne. I’m sure not many people really understand or care considering it’s not known as a terminal disease or anything but all I know is that it made my life hell.

I don’t think I could cope if it happened again now. I keep thinking back to how it was and I keep remembering things that people said and did. I always used to worry about it being windy too because my fringe would blow back and everyone stared at my face.

Most people just felt sorry for me and even Emma attempted to help by telling me I should grow my fringe out and stuff like that as if she was the expert. I had Johnny Doherty asking me to lift up my fringe for a minute and Amber Watson trying to be nice by saying, “Ignore him, it just shows you’re more mature than he is” whilst staring at my skin. I could’ve hit them all.

Then there was the embarrassment of having to sit in a classroom while a teacher talked to the class about hygiene and she said that most spots are caused by hormones but not washing properly and eating the wrong foods didn’t help either. When she said those last 2, I didn’t look up but I know people were glancing in my direction.

Then there was Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent who bullied me and used my acne as summit to get at me for by saying things like (very loudly), “Tess, you can buy cream for acne, you know.” Basically, it was bad. I’m so worried it’s going to be like that again.

Lindsey & Karen

[I got my secret revenge by drawing them like this in my diary. HA! Cowbags.]

I know what people say behind your back too coz, since I’ve had clear skin coz of medication, Emma has commented on other people. For example, Ste Rollinson. She keeps telling me how gorgeous he used to be but recently he’s gone really minging because his face has “erupted” in loads of acne. I don’t speak usually but when I do comment about it not being his fault she just says “of course it is because he must just eat too much chocolate”. At that point I’m struggling to control my fists and go quiet so she must remember or summit coz the subject gets changed.

The thing is, she’s like my best mate and I just can’t tell her. She saw the tablets (when I had them) and asked what they were for. I didn’t even tell her then. I made up that they were for an ear infection or summit like that.

It’s just embarrassing mentioning the word acne to people, even my family and friends coz people automatically think of greasy, junk-food-eating teenagers. Unfair. It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Also, when Emma says about Ste Rollinson etc., I always wonder if that’s what people’d say about me.

Even if they are freaks, some lads actually like me but I bet they wouldn’t if my skin went bad again. I don’t really want to go back on the tablets even though I could coz they can’t be doing the rest of my body any good, can they? But then if I don’t, who knows, I’ll probably end up getting spots again and it’ll be back to how it was.

First impressions and looks do count. I can see me going out with my friends. They’ll all get lads and no-one’ll look twice at me unless it’s to stare at my skin. But I could be on those tablets forever. Why can’t my acne just go away and stay away naturally and now?

You see, I even had 2nd thoughts about writing all that coz it’d embarrassing to me really, although it shouldn’t have to be.

BYE!

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He probably doesn’t even know I exist – 3rd February 1998

Tuesday 3rd I found some pics from Titanic on the internet. They’re small, not very clear and not very good but they’ll do for now. I also found a couple of Leo DiCaprio that Freda gave me ages ago.

February 1998 -Titanic general

I’ve not had a very good week so far. Yesterday, I got bollocked by Dad coz Abby paid me 10p to walk home with her. Tonight, I got in trouble for, er… I can’t remember what but I was arguing with Abby about something and Mum and Abby were using me as a punch bag, I think!

I had another disagreement with Mum a few minutes ago as well coz she has to write a note for skiing mentioning that I’m “on antibiotics, minocycline, for her skin”. She (Mrs L) doesn’t need to know what it’s for, does she? She can know what they are called but I don’t want her knowing what they’re for. Any doctors in Austria can look it up if they have to.

I don’t want Mrs L knowing what’s wrong with me. It’s bad enough having the school nurse know coz she started telling me how I could help get rid of spots, like I don’t already know! I wouldn’t be on tablets if I didn’t need to be, would I? If there was summit else that worked I’d be trying that.

I dunno if I fancy Will F. or not now. It was just I saw him with his sister (Year 8, I think) last night after school coz their parents hadn’t picked them up. He just looked nice, I s’pose.

Oh, I dunno. I don’t really know him. [That didn’t normally stop me fancying someone.] He probably doesn’t even know I exist but if I tried to get someone to ask him to come ice skating, everyone would think I fancied him.

Emma and Hayley already do think that. I told Emma that I was trying not to let myself like him last night and I told Hayley in Maths to take no notice of owt Emma says about it. Hayley nearly went out with him once but changed her mind at the last minute. She told me today that he’d probably go out with me coz he was desperate for a girlfriend. [Charming!] I think she’s thinking too far ahead!

BYE!

P.S. Freddie tried to push Ralph into me after school but fortunately it didn’t work. Ralph wasn’t looking at me but he knew I was there, he just walked along staring at the ground whilst trying not to smile, I think.

It was also the 1st performance of Grease in school today but only for the primary schools. I’m going to see it on Thursday.

February 1998 - Leo

On the internet for half an hour – 1st September 1997

Monday 1st [I’d started a new notebook that was covered in leopard print fur.] Hi! I love this diary. It’s so cool! It’s awful but good. You know what I mean?!

General - Diary cover

I’ve had a pretty boring day today so far. I didn’t wake up ‘til late and I went to Emma’s house this afternoon. We didn’t do much. We went to the garage [petrol station] to get some sweets and stuff then went back to her house and sat in the field with her horses. I used to be a bit nervous of them but I’m not so bad now.

Mum picked me up at about 4:10pm and we went straight to the doctors. I went coz of my skin. I have mild acne and the stuff I used to put on my skin wasn’t really helping very much so we went back to see what else I could use.

He’s a new doctor that none of our family has been to see before. The last one retired but we didn’t really like him much so no-one’s too bothered! The new doctor is Irish and he seems to be alright so far! We went to talk to him and he put me back on these tablets called Minocyn (or something). I’ve used them before and they seemed to work. They are a bit annoying though because you have to take them 12 hours apart.

This evening I had to scan a load of art for my Art homework and then I went on the chat-lines on the internet for half an hour. [God. Half an hour on the internet a day. I lived that.]

I’ve been talking to one particular boy called Adam who’s 14 and lives in Stoke. I phoned him on Saturday night which means we’ve been talking even more. I’m probably going to phone him again on Wednesday evening coz he goes back to school tomorrow and he’s playing football in the evening. He sounded quite nice last time.

I’ve also been watching the football on Sky since 8:00pm. It was Bolton v Everton at Bolton’s new Reebok Stadium. I don’t normally watch Bolton play coz I’m a big Manchester United fan but Dad supports them and their 1st game in their new stadium so I thought I’d cheer them on. Plus I hate Everton. It was 0-0 but it was confirmed that Bolton did actually score but it only just crossed the line and neither the ref nor the linesmen (sorry, assistant referees) saw it!

Anyway, even if it wasn’t a winning match, we know the home team scored the first goal in their new grounds.

BYE!