The Love Web of Doom – 2nd February 2000

Wednesday 2nd It’s James Douglas’s (or Dougie, as he’s more commonly known) birthday today but I forgot. I was going to get a card for him from the petrol station when I skived Biology (because they got the locusts out. AARRGGHH!!) but I got side-tracked doing ‘The Love Web of Doom’ on the whiteboard in our common room with Cat so, in the end, I forgot again! I just wished him happy birthday instead.

The Love Web of Doom (as it was named by Gethin) is just a daft thing we’ve been doing in free periods when we’re bored. We write a name and then draw lines from that person to link them to other people who they fancy or have snogged and then the same for those other people. We filled the whole board.

e.g. cymera_20170821_194612.jpg

There was a link from me to this lad called Nathan (who I snogged) and from him to Emma also (because she’s snogged him too) and at break we caught Patrick Campbell changing Nathan’s name to his own. Stuart Hobbs told us that it’s because he wishes Emma and I fancy him!

I sent another text to Reevesy today out of pure boredom. It said, “HELLO! I’M BORED SO I THOUGHT I’D JUST TEXT U. ROSES R RED, MY COAT IS BLACK, I WANT U 2 HAVE ME, FLAT ON MY BACK!! TEXT ME BACK I CAN’T STAND THE BOREDOM! TESS xxx” I got one back saying, “OK! BUT U BETTER GIVE A GOOD RIDE!”

After I got that, the thought of Reevesy totally repulsed me so I sent him one back saying, “I’M SORRY! I DIDN’T SEND THAT LAST MESSAGE. IT’S TRUE I’M BORED THOUGH COS I’M STUCK IN A LESSON. I’D BETTER GO B4 TEACHER SEES ME DOING THIS! FEEL FREE TO TEXT ME. xx” A while layer I got a rather odd message from his phone saying, “KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY LOVER. HE’S MINE BITCH!” Hmmm… it’s got to have been one of his mates because I doubt he’s got a girlfriend!!

BYE!

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“Tess Simpson! Go and wash your mouth out with soap and water!” – 19th January 2000

Wednesday 19th I had my most embarrassing moment this afternoon. I don’t know if I can write it so it sounds as bad as it was but I’ll certainly try.

At last break, I went up to the common room to find Sarah saying to Cat, “I really want to tell someone!” Cat agreed so I just had to know what it was. I mithered Sarah about it for 10 minutes until I began to get somewhat nearer to finding out what was going on.

I found out that Karen had confessed something unexpected of her in a game of ‘Truth or Dare?’ so I began to guess. Karen was behind me so whenever I came up with an idea, I turned round and asked her e.g. “Have you lost your virginity to Floyd Miller?”

I’d just asked Karen something and I turned back to Sarah after being told I was wrong and Sarah gave me a huge clue. So, I turned round and yelled, “Karen, did you wank someone off??!!” only to be faced with Mrs L about 3 feet away from me!!!

The room was full of people, all of which went deadly silent, waiting for a reaction as I slammed my hand over my mouth. Mrs L eventually said, “Tess Simpson! Go and wash your mouth out with soap and water!”

The whole room erupted into fits of hysterical laughter as I collapsed in a heap of embarrassed giggles on a chair, being thrown disapproving looks from Mrs L. It was awful!

Since then, people who weren’t in the room (of which there were very few unfortunately) have been asking me about it. Everyone seems to know! Cat made sure she told Mr L and Mr P-K about it at the dry ski slope after school too. They just found it very amusing!

I have an extremely swollen shin too because of a less but still embarrassing moment as I fell of a chair. I was stood, dancing about on one and it tipped up and I smashed my shin against the edge of the table. Owww!!

I’ve also set a trend with my ‘Roses are red’ poems. Everyone’s making them up and writing them on the white board. Some are:

Roses are red,
Big Paul’s built like a tank,
Ed wants to give Julian,
A really good wank!!
(Ed asked Julian if he could wank him off a week ago!)

Roses are red,
Gethin best watch his pace,
Or Lizzie’s big head,
Might explode on his face!!
(That’s a really snidey one but it was only sent in a text message to Sarah cos Lizzie’s being a bitch to her constantly.)

Roses are red,
Lizzie needs a good kick,
Someone we know,
Has a maggot for a dick!!
(That was about Aled cos everyone says he has no thing!)

Roses are red,
Fat, greasy and ginger,
That Big Paul,
Is such a minger!!
(Aimed at Cat to put her off him cos he’s seeing Emma so she’s got no chance.)

Roses are red,
Sarah L costs 10 pence,
Cat wants to ram,
CKB on your fence!!
(The 10p was cos Julian said if she was a prostitute that’s what he’d pay. CKB’s Chris Kelly-Banks if you’re wondering. Not the fragrance!)

I had a message from Stoned Rob (Lizzie’s new stalker is now called that cos he looks stoned) saying, “Phone me Babe.” I’m worried!

BYE!

What a waste of a fine, fine creature – 7th January 2000

Friday 7th Freda has been slagging off Lizzie now for going on and on about Gethin in front of Sarah because it’s common knowledge that Sarah fancies him. I suppose it is a bit unfair.

The other day, Sarah started sending messages to Hayley’s Andy’s mate. Her batteries ran out yesterday so I said I’d send them from my phone because she wasn’t sure what to say either as he’s a bit pervy. The first message she sent to him was, “Roses r red, apples r green, I’ll open my legs + u can fill me with cream!” [Ew! Sarah!!] It’s dirty but so’s he. It was from a message sent to Lizzie from one of her swimmer mates yesterday. We thought it was quite good so she used it!

He replied saying something about, “Are you good?” and “Your place or mine?” So she sent another saying, “Oh believe me I am! How about somewhere in between? Roses r red, my pants r blue, I’ll take them off + let u get through!” (Sorry, I usually write out text message stuff in capitals. I forgot. I’ll do the rest how I usually do. Just thought I’d say so to save any confusion as to why I’ve changed back to capital letters.) The poem sent in that message was my creation. I was quite proud!

He sent a message back to us which h said, “FANCY YOURSELF AS A BIT OF A POET DO U? HOW OLD R U? WHAT DO U LOOK LIKE? HAVE U GOT BIG….. WHAT R URE VITAL STATS? WHAT DO U TASTE LIKE? IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

She sent another back with more poetry saying, “DO U NOT THINK I’M A GOOD POET? HERE’S ANOTHER ONE: ROSES R RED, HOMER IS YELLOW, U SOUND LIKE A SHAGGABLE FELLOW! HOW LONG IS URE…..?” (That’s Homer as in Homer Simpson.)

His reply was, “I HAVEN’T EXACTLY MEASURED IT B4 BUT I’VE NEVER HAD ANY COMPLAINTS – IN FACT ONLY COMPLIMENTS! I GUESS U’LL HAVE 2 CUM + C 4 YOURSELF!”

The next message we got from him was, “HELLO SWEETIE, HOW YA DOING? IS YOUR MATE GOING 2 HAVE ANDY?!” We sent one to him asking if he was going bowling tonight but he didn’t answer so we sent, “HEY BABE! R U GONNA ANSWER ME OR NOT? HERE COMES SOME MORE OF MY STUNNING POETRY: ROSES R RED, MY COAT IS BLACK, I WANT U TO HAVE ME FLAT ON MY BACK!” Isn’t it good?! [We clearly didn’t have enough college work at this point in time.]

He replied, “HELLO BITCH WHAT R U DOING? I’M OUT OF THAT SHITHOLE NOW. GOING 2 SLEEP COS I’M KNACKERED!!” We replied, “CHILL!! I’VE BEEN AT COLLEGE SO I SWITCHED MY PHONE OFF. WHAT’S UP WITH U? I DIDN’T REALISE U WERE AT WORK B4. SORRY. X”

He said, “WHAT COLLEGE R U AT? OH BY THE WAY I THINK WE R GOING LA BOWL 2NIGHT. NOT GOING TOWN OR DRINKING COS I’VE GOT PISSING FLU.” I sent another asking his name. He said, “MARK. ANDY’S GOT TOSILITOUS – IF THAT’S HOW U SPELL IT – + I’VE GOT FLU, MAYBE ANOTHER TIME EH – IF YOUR LUCKY!”

I’m just including these in here for future reference so I can delete them from my phone.

I went bowling tonight with Hayley, Rachael and Georgia. Everyone else went to the cinema but you can’t hang about and talk there which is why I didn’t go. 4 blokes (3 aged 21 and 1 aged 23) were on the lane next to us. Rach and I thought they were horrible and creepy but the other 2 didn’t. We went on the dodgems with them and then in the bar.

Rach and I kept our distance and so did Hayley when they got more pissed. She says she saw them passing packets to each other and they kept disappearing to the toilets and stuff. I think they were doing drugs so we went home.

Georgia snogged 2 of them before we left though. One of them was really red coz he’s been on a sunbed and said he had a white bum though. He bloody well showed us! I was glad to be rid of them. They kept saying I looked intelligent!

There were loads of fit lads there too. One of which was constantly staring at me. This time I don’t just think he was, he actually WAS staring at me! Even when I looked back he didn’t look away. As soon as he came in our direction though, the bloody taxi came!

I’ve just been informed Jacqueline’s going out with Danny Barnes. NOOOO! What a waste of a ‘fine, fine creature’ as Lizzie’d put it! BUGGER!

BYE!