My personality’s obviously not enough! – 17th June 2001

Sunday 17th I got a bit upset this afternoon during a break from my mad last-minute cramming-style revision. I was just lying on my bed and thinking (I really shouldn’t do that!) and I just suddenly found myself crying.

There are 3 things that are bothering me most at the moment. They are:

  1. The fact that I’ve become thick over the last few weeks and it’s looking very unlikely that I’ll get 14 points for uni.
  2. It doesn’t seem likely that we’ll be going to Wick this summer cos my Auntie S is stressed about my Grandma L.
  3. I’m feeling a bit insecure about me and Jake.

Recently I have been a bit worried about me and Jake due to the Suzanna thing and the fact that I know other people fancy him too so the worry that one day he’ll like one of the people who like him more than he likes me has come to my mind. However, a conversation we had on the phone when he finally decided to ring me after playing rounders with a bunch of Cub Scouts at 11pm yesterday has added to my insecurities.

Somehow we got on to the subject of no sex again. I started off joking, asking would he go off me if I never ever wanted to. He said he wouldn’t be able to not do it forever so I narrowed it down to 10 years, the 5 years, then 1 year but he was still saying he couldn’t do without. I mean, we’ve only ever done it twice and neither time was exactly brilliant so then I started to worry. I realised that he was saying he’d go off me if I didn’t want to do it and he’s also said he wouldn’t like me as much with no legs. It sounds like he doesn’t like me for my personality at all otherwise he’d love me whatever, surely?

That conversation make me think of Barcelona and the fact that I might not be able to do much there cos my period’s due. I’m worried that he’ll be pissed off cos he sounds keen to make the most of the few nights we’ve got there. He’s usually understanding about that though cos he knows I can’t exactly help it.

Oh I don’t know. My self-esteem’s just gone way down. I feel a bit of a mess (looks-wise) at the moment so what if Jake notices? Will he go off me or what?

The other thing that’s at the back of my mind is that what if, one day, I have to come of the pills for my skin and my spots flare up again. I remember him once commenting ages ago how awful someone’s acne looked. There’s no way he’d want to be seen with me if my skin got bad again, is there? My personality’s obviously not enough!

His comments about models in magazines and stuff don’t help either. I mean, fair enough, I ask him if he’d fancy them but he always says yes. That’s what worries me. What if someone who looked like them liked him? He wouldn’t like me as much, I’m sure.

All this insecurity really started when he started saying he couldn’t talk to me about stuff (e.g. his mum) when we got into that argument the other week. It sounds like he doesn’t trust me. I’m always moaning about stuff to him but he never does it back. I can’t help it, I’m just scared one day he’ll get sick of me whinging about things

Ugh, I don’t know what’s up with me at the moment. I think I am stressed about exams and that’s the underlying thing. Plus uni is looming (providing I get in!) and I have to say, I am a bit nervous about it. That could also be when I lose Jake if we meet new people cos so many people I know have split up, even if they went to the same place. I don’t want that to happen to us.

Hearing that his dad doesn’t like me and his bro’s been slagging me off haven’t exactly boosted my confidence either. My family like Jake and I’d like it if his family liked me too and made me feel welcome.

I think I just need Jake to reassure me really. He says he loves me all the time and I believe him but I need to hear why he loves me, I think. I need him to tell me spontaneously too, without me having to say something first or having to be upset and he just says stuff to make me feel better. That’s probably not going to happen but still, I need to hear something positive right now to stop me feeling so fed up.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that he fancied me for ages before we got together and there must be reasons for that.

Bye!

P.S. I’ve just spoken to Jake on the phone and got a bit upset. I told him my worry about him finding someone else he likes more than me. Instead of saying it WON’T happen, he just kept saying he hopes it doesn’t. He’s not ruling it out completely then! Ohh, I really need a hug!

I’m not thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have told him that I’m feeling a bit insecure and why cos he doesn’t really have to worry about things like that about me so it’s like he’s in a better position than me so he’s kind of in control. For example, if we split up, he’s good looking and I’m pretty normal so he’s more likely to find someone else.

Oh, I really do think way too much!