What if someone gets the wrong idea?! – 20th January 2001

Saturday 20th
10 weeks + 5 days to go!

I’ve spent most of today staring at either my Biology coursework or my Geography revision cos I just can’t do them! It’s not so much through not being able to concentrate, it’s more because I’ve gone a bit thick! I can’t get my head round any of it! 😦

I was very glad of the distraction when Jake phoned me this afternoon! We were on the phone for ages but didn’t seem to say all that much! I had more to tell him than he had to tell me. He seemed concerned about Sarah’s car crash and the fact that I’m getting sick of feeling single! I hope he doesn’t feel the same way. I really do need a cuddle and stuff and watching all my friend finding lads isn’t helping in the slightest.

I explained to him how I’d feel guilty doing anything with him in front of people now I’ve been reminded of what it feels like to be on your own. I think I worried him by saying that cos he probably thinks I’m going to keep well out of his way now. I wouldn’t be able to though! It’s when I keep seeing people like Lizzie and Declan kissing and cuddling and touching each other that I realise how much I miss Jake. I want him back!

This is actually worse than when I was single because then there was always the hope that something might happen with me and someone, and if it did, I could allow it. I can’t do that now, not that I want anyone else though. Plus there’s the fact that I didn’t really have the experience of being in a long term relationship before so I couldn’t miss something that I’d never had.

Jake told me that it’s his roommate’s 18th birthday tomorrow which means they’re probably all going to get very pissed! I really hope Jake doesn’t cos if he gets like he did on the last Friday before he left then he’ll probably go round hugging and kissing people! What if someone gets the wrong idea?! He’s be in no fit state to say no!


Today’s emails →

20-01-01 Jake email

20-01-01 Tess email

Sick of having to watch other people snogging! – 19th January 2001

Friday 19th
10 weeks + 6 days to go!

Sarah, Floyd and I had a bit of a scare today. Sarah decided she’d drive us to McDonald’s for lunch but just before the TSB, she crashed the car. Another car in front was turning left and Sarah just didn’t stop in time. We were all okay and the bloke in the other car was fine about it because his car wasn’t damaged at all. Sarah’s, however, was a bit of a mess. There are bits of her car all over the road now! She just got really upset cos she thought her mum was going to kill her. She didn’t! She was more concerned about Sarah.

Tonight, a large group of us did The Run [a pub crawl] again. It was good, as usual! We all got a bit pissed and Karen and this lad called Rory out of College 1 got together, and Sarah and Drew (another College 1) almost got together but then he was sick and she started to feel guilty cos of Maz. I reckon something will happen sometime soon!

I mainly hung round with Cat and Suzie Bryan cos we didn’t want to go in The Green Dragon so we stayed in The Mossland for a bit longer to eat chips and lemon chicken from the Chinese. The chicken tasted and smelled like it’d been cooked in disinfectant but we were pissed and hungry so we ate it anyway!

Paul Nutt was in The Mossland too. He used to stalk me but he just sat in the corner looking creepy tonight!

We made it to The Coach and Horses, even though Suzie, Cat and I took a detour through a few fields including the school one cos we were feeling very single and were sick of having to watch other people snogging!

Cat got told tonight that Mr L asked some College 1 girl (Donna Sharpe) to go round to his house. He asked Cat too but she said no. He might be fit but he’s a proper bastard!

We all went back to Declan’s house afterwards. He lives at 74 Hall Drive and his house is sooo nice!

Run - Tess & Cat stuck in chair

[Cat and I stuck in a chair at Declan’s]


P.S. I like the new group of friends that we’ve mixed with!

Jake’s email →

19-01-01 Jake email

My reply →

19-01-01 Tess email

I feel a bit stupid for worrying so much – 18th January 2001

Thursday 18th
11 weeks to go!

I was just worrying to Mum about Jake when I was eating my breakfast this morning when the phone rang. It was 7:30am and it was Jake! 🙂 He said his alarm hadn’t gone off yesterday morning so he would’ve missed the bus if he’d have phoned me. He also explained that his email is not very long because the café shut an hour earlier than normal. It was very early in the morning there but he said nobody goes to bed early so it doesn’t matter if he phoned so early! 🙂

I’m sooo relieved he’s okay but I feel a bit stupid for worrying so much now! I’ve relaxed a lot more now cos I’d worked myself up into a right state! I’d have been happy to see he’d sent me a mail too if he hadn’t phoned this morning. 🙂


Jake’s email →

18-01-01 Jake email

My reply →

18-01-01 Tess email

I keep trying to think positive – 17th January 2001

Wednesday 17th
11 weeks + 1 days to go!

I got told today that MiniTaylor is actually seeing Emma now. That’s a bit weird!

I’m really, really worried again. Jake hasn’t phoned tonight at all. There’s all sorts of things racing round my mind that could’ve happened to him. He said if he couldn’t phone he’d let me know why so I didn’t worry but he hasn’t left any messages or anything so I’m very worried now!

I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I never see him again. I love him sooo much and I just can’t imagine life without him or being with anyone else. The thought just makes me feel so sick and I’ve got a constant lump in my throat. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t concentrate on any work so I’ve no idea how I’m going to pass my Geography exam next week or get my Biology coursework in on Monday!

I keep trying to think positive cos he might well have got up late or not been able to get another phone card or that the phone might be being used. I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll have an email tomorrow morning but I don’t think I’ll be able to bring myself to look because if I haven’t got one I know I’ll be panicking even more.

I can’t stand this! It’s just not like him cos if he says he’s going to do something, he usually does.

This is awful! I hate not knowing! But then I don’t want to hear anything bad’s happened to him. Ohh, I can’t think straight! 😦

I’ve been trying to take comfort from the fact that I felt like this on Saturday and he did eventually phone me but this time he hasn’t phoned me at all so I’m very worried. I’m absolutely dreading checking my emails in college tomorrow morning just in case I haven’t got one from Jake.

I can’t think of any reasons why he can’t phone me OR email me unless something is really wrong. [Perhaps because I was being a massive anxious pain and he was in the pub?] He even said on his last email that he’d speak to me today.

I suppose I’d better try and get some sleep.


P.S. Jake’s email this morning →

17-01-01 Jake email

My reply →

17-01-01 Tess email

I could hear his mates whistling and stuff – 16th January 2001

Tuesday 16th
11 weeks + 2 days to go!

Not much has really happened at college today (as usual!) except everyone’s debating how long Lizzie and Declan are going to last because she’s going to meet some Paul lad she met at swimming in town on Friday night. It’s been arranged for a while but I think it’s really shady on Declan.

I’ve been talking to MiniTaylor a bit more recently and he was sat with us and Declan asked him if he was wearing his own clothes today. I think he’s nicking Jake’s!

Jake phoned me this evening again. It was about 5:00pm when he did so I was just beginning to get worried when he rang! He told me the course was fun and one of the girl looks like an 8 year old lad and the other one’s ill so I don’t need to worry!

He gave me the address and phone number of where he’s staying. It’s:

Room 207
Best Western Siding 29 Lodge
PO Box 1387

Tel: 0014037625575

I feel a bit better knowing that now!

I did tell him that he doesn’t have to phone or mail me if he’s got other stuff to do. He said he wants to but that if one day he doesn’t ring it might be because he’s got up late and might miss the bus if he phones or something. He said he’d ring my mobile and leave a message later on if something like that happened. I’m just scared of having to go through those awful feelings of dread again like I had to on Saturday.

I didn’t really mean that he doesn’t have to ring though! I mean, he doesn’t have to but I want him to! I could hear his mates whistling and stuff in the background which gave me the impression he should’ve been doing something else!


P.S. Email from Jake →

16-01-01 Jake email

My reply →

16-01-01 Tess email

[I did briefly realise my yellow digger dream through work about 15 years later…]



I don’t want my friends getting sick of me – 15th January 2001

Monday 15th
11 weeks + 3 days to go!

Well, Lizzie and Declan Churchill are officially going out. It was a bit strange watching them the first time they actually sat down and spoke to each other cos they were sat in the same place that Jake and I were when we first spoke on that Monday morning after Amanda Bryan’s party. Then lots of people started speaking to them and asking questions like they did with us. It was also obviously a bit awkward but I don’t think it was quite as bad as Jake and me cos they’re not a quiet, I don’t think. Declan’s not anyway.

I was very pleased to see I had received an email from Jake when I checked this morning. It was quite a nice long one too!

15-01-01 Jake email

I’d better watch that I don’t go on about him too much cos my mates aren’t very tolerant of people like Lizzie and Hayley (who nobody’s speaking to… Hayley that is) who go on about lads they’ve had/got all the time. I don’t want my friends getting sick of me too.

Cat’s already made a comment. I was talking about skiing with her so I said I reckon that if Jake comes back he might well go on about how much he enjoyed it etc. and she said, “What, like you do about him?” I think she must have realised she offended me cos she apologised. I didn’t think I mentioned him that much!

That’s the problem with my mates. I don’t mind them going on about their problems (e.g. Sarah and Maz or Cat and Mr L) but as soon as someone else goes on to them about something, they whinge. I just need to talk to someone sometimes without feeling like I was annoying them, just so I can get things off my chest. I actually think Gethin’s the best listener out of the lot of them!

I dunno, maybe it doesn’t take me saying much for my mates to get irritated by it because they don’t think I’ve got any reason to complain cos, even if he is in Canada, I’ve still got a proper boyfriend.

Why is it that your own problems always seem worse than everyone else’s?!

Jake phoned me tonight. He said he’s still a bit nervous about starting his course today cos he thinks everyone else is better at skiing than him. He told me he went out last night with some older people to watch the football or something and that the girl who asked about the nail varnish was on the bus with him so he took the opportunity to say he’s got a girlfriend! 🙂 Good!

He told me that it’s getting a bit more like a school trip cos someone’s organising trips and stuff for Sundays (their day off). He said he’ll email me later to tell me how today goes. Well, I hope!

I made sure I told him he’s got to phone home cos both his brother and Declan asked if I’d heard from him and when I said yes, I got told that he’s got to phone home cos his dad’s going to cut off his phone or something! It doesn’t work there anyway!

He needs to tell his dad about the ticket thing he got for getting caught on camera going through an amber/red light! He reckons his dad might cancel his credit card so he can’t afford to eat and has to come home! 🙂 No, I shouldn’t smile, that’s mean! Oh well! 🙂


P.S. My reply →

15-01-01 Tess email

That’s enough negative thoughts for one day! – 14th January 2001

Sunday 14th
11 weeks + 4 days to go!

I checked my email first thing this morning and I was pleased to see I had 2. The first one was a long one which was nice but some of it just made me more jealous or more worried e.g. the bit about a girl breaking her neck. The bit about me loving it there just made me want to go. He’s obviously enjoying himself!

1st email today →

14-01-01 Jake email 1

14-01-01 Jake email 2

This is the 2nd one I got. It’s not very long but I thought I’d stick it in anyway. →

14-01-01 Jake email 3

He phoned me at about 4:15pm today. He didn’t really have a lot to tell me cos he didn’t go out last night cos he and a few others stayed in and watched a film. I didn’t have much to tell him either. He said that he doesn’t really have much free time and it’s a pain getting the bus every morning.

I said he doesn’t have to ring me (I didn’t mean it!) but he insisted that he will cos he wants to. He actually said he missed me too but I said, “Yeah right!” cos I don’t really believe him yet but he kept saying that he really is missing me. 🙂 I hope so!

Even though he’s phoned me and stuff now, I’m still really worrying about him. He’s there for a very long time which gives a longer time for something to happen to him. I just can’t bear the thought of not being about the see him again! I love him so much and I don’t want anything to change.

Even if he does survive, I don’t want it all to be different when he comes home but it surely can’t be exactly the same cos he’ll just probably want to ski!

Anyway, that’s enough negative thoughts for one day!


P.S. The emails I sent him today →

14-01-01 Tess email 114-01-01 Tess email 2

On the verge of madness – 13th January 2001

Saturday 13th
11 weeks + 5 days to go!

I spent most of today worrying a lot cos Jake said on the phone last night that he’d try and e-mail me last night when he got in from skiing but he didn’t. Then at 4:00pm (the time when he said he’d try to ring me), he didn’t phone so that made me worry even more. I couldn’t stop crying and thinking what the hell I’d do if something happened to him.

It was pathetic – I couldn’t eat or concentrate and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d have felt better if I’d have known I could contact him if I needed to but I can’t.

So, I’d just convinced myself that he was either dead, in a mood cos I hung up so quickly yesterday or in a hospital somewhere, when he rang. I heard my mum say, “Thank God you’ve phoned!” so I knew who it was.

I can’t go on like this for 3 months. If he doesn’t ring or something, I’ll be on the verge of madness through worrying. It’s an awful feeling not knowing but I think the feeling of helplessness cos he’s so far away made me worse. It really worried me, the state I got myself into. I just couldn’t stay calm.

I was so relieved to hear his voice that all the anger I’d had before I picked up the phone (cos he left me worrying like that) went away. It was about 5:30pm our time/10:30am his time so he’d just got up.

He told me the computers in the hotel weren’t working or something but he knew there were other places he could use so he’d e-mail me later. He said that Rob that he’s sharing a room with has got a girlfriend too so they went to some English pub last night. He then said that all the girls seem to have found lads.

One of the lads there knows who Jake is because he’s a friend of Hugo Pratt. Scary! Jake said he lost his orange glasses in the snow when he was skiing yesterday and that he didn’t ring me sooner cos his alarm didn’t go off to wake him up. He also said it’s -15oC there now. I didn’t want him to get off the phone but he had to get the last bus to the ski place or he couldn’t go skiing.

I checked my e-mail before I went to bed tonight and I was very pleased to see he’d sent me this! →

13-01-01 Jake email

It didn’t actually say much and didn’t sound like one he’d send normally so I guessed he’d had someone with him. I sent him one back anyway.

Then when I was in bed before I before, I just got a missed call on my phone but no number came up when I checked. Then I had a call from the voicemail service saying I had a new message. It was Jake’s voice saying he’d e-mailed me but someone had been with him so he didn’t want to write anything too personal cos there was someone else there reading it. He said he’d try and send me another one later and that he loved me before saying bye and hanging up.

I was really annoyed I’d missed the call but at least I can keep his voice for 7 days!


P.S. My reply! →

13-01-01 Tess email

An official warning about cougars – 11th & 12th January 2001

Thursday 11th
12 weeks to go!

Well, this really is it now… he’s gone! 😦

I didn’t go to college this morning because I was too tired. I wasn’t too upset until he phoned me from Heathrow Airport but then hearing his voice set me off crying. It wasn’t a long conversation, he just told me he was nervous and that he keeps filling up. So do I!

I got a text message from him tonight when he got to Canada. It just said he was at the airport, had to go through customs and he’d ring tomorrow. I was really disappointed cos I really wanted to speak to him. I texted him but he didn’t text back.


Friday 12th
11 weeks + 6 days to go! [It looks like I did actually keep this up for the entire time Jake was in Canada.]

When I woke up this morning, I was really disappointed to find he still hadn’t texted me back. He told me he would when he got to Banff so I was quite a bit worried. I just about managed to convince myself that he must have no signal, although scenes of a horrific coach accident were in the back of my mind!

When I got in from college, Abby answered the door and told me Jake had phoned about 5 minutes before. So, I was sat by the phone waiting for him to ring back and eventually he did. He told me that he’d got there and it’s -10oC! He’s sharing a big room in his hotel with a southerner called Rob. He then told me that they’d all had an official warning about cougars! Oh, great! 😦

Tonight, a BIG group of us did The Run [a local pub crawl through my village]. I actually really enjoyed myself! The group of us included Robbie Taylor (Jake’s brother) and Declan Churchill cos Gethin invited them. MiniTaylor (Robbie) was saying that Jake hadn’t phoned home so I had to tell him what he’d said to me.

We did actually manage to do every pub [there were 7 in a mile and a half along the main road through my village] up until The Coach and Horses in the next village which we were quite pleased about. I even forced myself to go in The Green Dragon but I refused to buy anything from there!

Big Paul started giving me advice at one point. He said he knows it’s hard being without Jake but it will get easier. I told him I wasn’t bothered yet and he told me that I will be soon! Cheers, Paul! It was good advice up until that point!

Now for the gossip….. Lizzie, Maisie and Gethin were all after Declan tonight. Gethin had no chance, Maisie warned off Lizzie but Declan actually liked Lizzie and they ended up going with [snogging] each other in The Coach.

There was also a possibility something might’ve happened between Emma and MiniTaylor because he’s following in his brother’s footsteps and now fancies her. She seemed up for it cos she was sat on him and was holding his hand and stuff.

Sarah, Gethin and I all went back to Gethin’s for a bit afterwards. Gethin was depressed about Declan, Sarah was depressed about Maz and I was beginning to get a bit depressed about Jake being away. So, for therapy, we all sat there and slagged off Hayley!


P.S. I sent Jake this email today. →

12-01-01 Tess email

I sent Jake these 2 mails when I got in tonight. →

12-01-01 Email to Jake 1


He really is a babe! – 24th August 1999

Tuesday 24th I saw John Baker from just down the road at 5:05pm today. He is so gorgeous. I was sat in the front room watching TV and he walked by on the pavement right outside. I got a really good look because his dog stopped and weed by our drive. He was wearing a black t-shirt, jeans and brown boots and looked lovely. He’s quite tall, quite thin with gelled forward black hair and glasses. He really is a babe!

He might be going to 6th Form college with us because he was at the open evening and put his name down for some courses. Part of me hopes he does go but part of me hopes he doesn’t. If he did then he might realise I exist and I’d probably see him loads on the way home but then again, some other girl’s bound to end up going out with him because he’s so good looking and I’d have no chance then.

Lena used to work with him in the bakery (he still does work there) and she said he’s really geeky but people he’s never met before won’t know that until maybe later on but he’ll already have a queue formed by then! Never mind, I’m taken for the moment anyway, even if my boyfriend is 100s of miles away and not keeping in touch.

Emma phoned this evening asking if I wanted to go out with the ‘Swing Band lot’ tomorrow. She was telling me about Saturday. Keira had been trying to phone because of the party and it ended up with her and Emma being the only two girls. I’m not too bothered about not going really because it seems that the only highlight for Emma was snogging Robert Osborne. She’s not sure what’s happening between them now though.

She also told me that Dominic Walters was there. That interested me because I’ve met him once before a while back when I was at the cinema watching Romeo and Juliet and he came with Robert (who he knows from climbing I think) and a couple of other lads. Hayley decided she liked him and was feeding him M+Ms all night. He was quite nice looking then and Emma said he still is but when he had had quite a bit to drink, he started going on about how he could tell which lads were good looking or something. I’ll have to tell Hayley that one!

I ♥ Duncan


P.S. Abby was on the internet earlier and Laura’s screen name came up on the Buddy List (it’s Laurm1) but nobody said anything to Abby and if it had’ve been Laura, she probably would have chatted so we think it might have been Duncan.

Whoever it was said “Hi” but then went offline. I hope it wasn’t Duncan because he might not have realised it was Abby online so he may have thought I was ignoring him. I hope not. I still miss him, you know.