He likes the cowgirl look – 29th June & 1st July 2001

Friday 29th Urgh! This pen’s meant to be purple but it’s more of a browny-black colour really. Oh well, I can’t find another one.

I went to Manchester with Jake today in search of a hat for Barcelona and we both ended up getting one from the Quiksilver shop. His is blue and flowery on one side and creamy on the other, and mine’s purpley on one side and creamy on the other. They’re both reversible. Jake says he really likes me in mine and that he wants photos of me in it in Barcelona. We’ll see!

[I wish there wasn’t a photo of me in the hat but here it is.]

Jake picked up a leaflet with a cowgirl on it in Schue today. He likes the cowgirl look and has told me plenty of times. He said he got it to “test my reaction” but I don’t believe him! It’ll probably be on display in his bedroom from now on!

I spoke to Jake’s sister very briefly today at his house. She liked my hat too and suggested we wear them at the same time so we nearly match. I think not!!

Bye!

Sunday 1st I had to do a Swing Band concert at The Roebuck pub in Urmston today. Connor took me and Abby, and Jake came too cos Connor didn’t want to be on his own.

It went quite well and it was a really nice big pub but it was a bit windy so the music kept blowing away. We were also meant to get a barbecue but that didn’t happen until after we’d left unfortunately.

Jake and I are going to Barcelona tomorrow. Yey!! We’ve got to be at Speke Airport quite early so his dad can drop us off before he goes to work in Liverpool. I’m actually pretty nervous about going on the plane to be honest. I don’t know why cos I never used to be. It just doesn’t seem right though, something as big and heavy as an aeroplane being able to stay up in the air!

Bye!

Prancing around thinking they were God’s gift – 27th June 2001

Wednesday 27th P. [period]

Jake was at my house nearly all day but I had to get ready and then go to my college leaving do. He went to The Dog then The Coach and then his mates’ flat where he played with the hamster and talked, apparently.

The leaving do was pretty good and quite eventful actually. It was held at The Village Hotel in Warrington which is really nice. We had the do in a big room but we spread into the bar and outside as the night went on.

Cat’s dad took me, her, Karen and Lizzie there so we all met at Cat’s first. It was weird cos Sarah wasn’t there and we kept feeling like we’d forgotten someone.

[Cat, me, Lizzie and Karen pre-Smirnoff Ices]

Sarah decided not to go, even though we all had a go at trying to persuade her, because she was feeling rough (and embarrassed/guilty/worried) about her activities last night. I’m pretty annoyed with her about it actually. It was Lizzie’s birthday so a few of them went to Warrington (I had no money) and got reeeally bladdered. Sarah snogged 4 random lads including Isaac, had to be helped into a taxi and then slept where she fell on her kitchen floor with the back door open.

The bit I’m annoyed about is her activities with the lads. Poor Michael. I bet he wouldn’t do that to her. Anyway, I said my piece on the phone and she does feel very guilty about it. It’s also a shame she didn’t come to the do cos she missed out and she won’t be on any of the photos.

When we arrived at the hotel, we were greeted by glasses of champagne. The room was fill of balloons and streamers and there was some food out.

[Me, Isaac, Denny, Floyd, Lizzie and Karen]

Isaac made me feel sorry for him at one point when he asked me if the reason Sarah hadn’t come was cos of him. I told him it wasn’t cos as far as I know that’s true. He said he felt really guilty about Michael but Sarah did throw herself at him.

The gap between upstairs and downstairs people in college* was bridged a bit at the do and most people made the effort to talk to each other. It was mainly the lads from downstairs who were being nice to us but I was also talking to Daisy Smith and Josie Nichol who I used to be friends with at primary school.

*[We had one common room downstairs in the 6th Form College building but the swots/moshers/LGBTQ+ amongst us formed a breakaway common room in a disused classroom upstairs away from the popular people where we felt more comfortable all being mildly weird together. It was known as The Mosher Room by those that didn’t use it.]

However, some people did more than just talk. Lizzie got with Jez Greenhalgh and she have him a number 4 behind some building. Karen and Tunde also got together and did number 4 to each other on the grass outside!

[Jez and Lizzie mid-snog]

Adrian Ford felt my arse and then I had a long chat with Gethin in which he told me that he used to fancy me more than he’s ever fancied Jake. Ha ha!! I find that hard to believe actually. We’re friends again anyway.

[Gethin and I being bezzie mates again]

Aww, Mr P was there tonight with scan pics of his baby (his wife’s pregnant). I asked when it’s due and he told me November. I told him my birthday’s in November and he asked what date. I said the 12th and he looked freaked out for a second before telling me that’s the day it’s due. I hope it’s born on my birthday. That’d be really nice.

I spent quite a bit of my night trying to cheer up Denny. He was feeling a bit miserable cos of Jez and Lizzie getting together cos he still really likes Lizzie. He’s too nice for Lizzie and I really hope he gets a really nice girlfriend soon because I think he deserves one.

[Me, Lizzie and Denny in his fetching white suit]

Some daft awards were given out tonight after people voted in college. Here’s who go what:
[I can’t believe we were allowed to dish some of these awards out!]

CATEGORYRECIPIENTPRIZE  
Best looking lad James Douglas (Dougie)Mirror  
Best looking girlEmma ThornleyMirror  
Biggest beer bellyJez GreenhalghPie  
Biggest party animalFreda Fernandez (Freda wasn’t there so Pallav got it instead)Party hat  
Most unlikely coupleFreda Fernandez and Julian Olsen 
Most likely coupleGethin Turner and Paul Wenham (Big Paul)Confetti + 2 model grooms
Most likely porn star  Karen BrentPineapple condom
Biggest male slapper  Gethin TurnerPack of condoms
Biggest female slapperLizzie Bond  Pack of condoms
Biggest pissheadStuart Hobbs  Pint of something
Best arseTanya Potter (Tanya wasn’t there so Tara Costello got it instead) 
Best dressedShauna Adams   
Most likely virginAled Brownlee   
[Jez and his pie prize]

I could’ve slapped Shauna and Tara. They were prancing around thinking they were God’s gift all night after that. They were also glaring at Emma all night, obviously out of pure jealousy.

The only other things that really happened was a fight between Orson Platt and Adrian Ford over Poppy Kaye, and David Ingle being sick due to excessive amounts of alcohol cos it was his birthday!

Bye!

I’ve got to stop this paranoia! – 18th & 19th June 2001

Monday 18th I was in a bit of a better mood this morning and all that stuff I wrote last night now seems completely stupid!

However, my exam this afternoon has pissed me off completely. It was the physiology section of Sports Studies and we had 2 hours to do 4 long questions. I just don’t see the point of doing pages and pages of notes on loads of different things when the exam only covers 4 small areas. Typically, those 4 areas were also on the thinks that I didn’t particularly understand. Oh well, only one more exam to go now.

Jake gets back from Scotland tonight and I was expecting to see him cos he said he should be able to get here. I really need a hug after this weekend and that exam today but he’s just texted me today he won’t be able to get here cos his dad’s been driving all day and his bro’s too tired. I don’t think he’s all that bothered about seeing me actually cos surely he could get a bus or a taxi like he normally does.

Urgh, I’ve got to stop this paranoia! It’s not doing me any good. He probably doesn’t feel like hanging round for buses etc. after travelling all day and he probably wants a shower and bed. I’ll just have to see him tomorrow instead cos I doubt I’ll do any revision tomorrow evening anyway. He’d better bring the chocolate he bought me. I need it!

Bye!

Tuesday 19th It’s Dad’s birthday today! I’m not sure how old he is actually. Hang on, he was born in 1946 so he must be… erm… 55(?). I hate maths!!

I’m feeling much better today anyway and very much loved! Jake came at about 4:30pm and kept hugging me and telling me I was nice and stuff. I didn’t see him for very long cos he had Venture Scouts but I was left with plenty of chocolate to eat!

Bye!

My personality’s obviously not enough! – 17th June 2001

Sunday 17th I got a bit upset this afternoon during a break from my mad last-minute cramming-style revision. I was just lying on my bed and thinking (I really shouldn’t do that!) and I just suddenly found myself crying.

There are 3 things that are bothering me most at the moment. They are:

  1. The fact that I’ve become thick over the last few weeks and it’s looking very unlikely that I’ll get 14 points for uni.
  2. It doesn’t seem likely that we’ll be going to Wick this summer cos my Auntie S is stressed about my Grandma L.
  3. I’m feeling a bit insecure about me and Jake.

Recently I have been a bit worried about me and Jake due to the Suzanna thing and the fact that I know other people fancy him too so the worry that one day he’ll like one of the people who like him more than he likes me has come to my mind. However, a conversation we had on the phone when he finally decided to ring me after playing rounders with a bunch of Cub Scouts at 11pm yesterday has added to my insecurities.

Somehow we got on to the subject of no sex again. I started off joking, asking would he go off me if I never ever wanted to. He said he wouldn’t be able to not do it forever so I narrowed it down to 10 years, the 5 years, then 1 year but he was still saying he couldn’t do without. I mean, we’ve only ever done it twice and neither time was exactly brilliant so then I started to worry. I realised that he was saying he’d go off me if I didn’t want to do it and he’s also said he wouldn’t like me as much with no legs. It sounds like he doesn’t like me for my personality at all otherwise he’d love me whatever, surely?

That conversation make me think of Barcelona and the fact that I might not be able to do much there cos my period’s due. I’m worried that he’ll be pissed off cos he sounds keen to make the most of the few nights we’ve got there. He’s usually understanding about that though cos he knows I can’t exactly help it.

Oh I don’t know. My self-esteem’s just gone way down. I feel a bit of a mess (looks-wise) at the moment so what if Jake notices? Will he go off me or what?

The other thing that’s at the back of my mind is that what if, one day, I have to come of the pills for my skin and my spots flare up again. I remember him once commenting ages ago how awful someone’s acne looked. There’s no way he’d want to be seen with me if my skin got bad again, is there? My personality’s obviously not enough!

His comments about models in magazines and stuff don’t help either. I mean, fair enough, I ask him if he’d fancy them but he always says yes. That’s what worries me. What if someone who looked like them liked him? He wouldn’t like me as much, I’m sure.

All this insecurity really started when he started saying he couldn’t talk to me about stuff (e.g. his mum) when we got into that argument the other week. It sounds like he doesn’t trust me. I’m always moaning about stuff to him but he never does it back. I can’t help it, I’m just scared one day he’ll get sick of me whinging about things

Ugh, I don’t know what’s up with me at the moment. I think I am stressed about exams and that’s the underlying thing. Plus uni is looming (providing I get in!) and I have to say, I am a bit nervous about it. That could also be when I lose Jake if we meet new people cos so many people I know have split up, even if they went to the same place. I don’t want that to happen to us.

Hearing that his dad doesn’t like me and his bro’s been slagging me off haven’t exactly boosted my confidence either. My family like Jake and I’d like it if his family liked me too and made me feel welcome.

I think I just need Jake to reassure me really. He says he loves me all the time and I believe him but I need to hear why he loves me, I think. I need him to tell me spontaneously too, without me having to say something first or having to be upset and he just says stuff to make me feel better. That’s probably not going to happen but still, I need to hear something positive right now to stop me feeling so fed up.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that he fancied me for ages before we got together and there must be reasons for that.

Bye!

P.S. I’ve just spoken to Jake on the phone and got a bit upset. I told him my worry about him finding someone else he likes more than me. Instead of saying it WON’T happen, he just kept saying he hopes it doesn’t. He’s not ruling it out completely then! Ohh, I really need a hug!

I’m not thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have told him that I’m feeling a bit insecure and why cos he doesn’t really have to worry about things like that about me so it’s like he’s in a better position than me so he’s kind of in control. For example, if we split up, he’s good looking and I’m pretty normal so he’s more likely to find someone else.

Oh, I really do think way too much!

A total cock-up – 15th June 2001

Friday 15th Well, I thought those exams were going to be bad and so they were. I managed to answer all the biology questions but didn’t have a clue what I was writing about. The geography one was a total cock-up. There were 4 really hard essay questions and I had to do 2 of them. The first one I did was completely vague answers and the 2nd one I just shouldn’t have done cos I didn’t have a clue what it meant. Half way through writing it I realised I should’ve done a different one but I only had about 10 minutes left so it was too late.

Urrggh!! I’m never going to get into uni!

Jake met me outside college after my last exam and we walked back to mine. Well, we started to walk then it started thundering so we got on a bus instead.

He’s going to Scotland with his family tonight to visit friends on the Isle of Mull so we only had about 3 hours before his dad picked him up. We were just talking and for some reason got onto the subject of celibacy. He ended up saying that he’d still love me bit it wouldn’t suit him cos he would be too frustrated! He said he could cope if I didn’t believe in sex before marriage cos there’s the hope that one day it will happen. It was a very jokey conversation and he was telling me (when I pointed out that he went for 16 years without even snogging a girl) that when lads are 16 they always hope that they’ll get to have sex with a girl one day. Hmm, maybe not in some cases. I can’t imagine Rory really wanting to do it with a girl!

Ahh, Jake also told me that after the conversation about what he’d do if I had no legs, that he would still love me just as much. That’s good to know!

He told me he liked my teeth today too. I don’t. They’re all gappy. He said he likes that though. Fairy nuff, I suppose.

I can’t not see him for 3 whole days! Ugh! Ok, so it’s nothing compared to 3 months but I like seeing him and it’s something to look forwards to after revision all day. Ah well, I’ll just have to cope. I will miss him though.

Bye!

I’m going through an ugly stage – 14th June 2001

Thursday 14th Uurrggh! Shiiiit!! There’s no way I can pass my geography and biology exams tomorrow. I am sooooo fucked!! I don’t know anything and the small amount of information I have managed to memorise means absolutely nothing to me. I’d better start collecting application forms for places like McDonald’s and Woolworths soon cos I very much doubt I’ll be getting 14 points from my exams.

I think I’m suffering from exam stress. Well, that’s my excuse for everything e.g. not emptying the dishwasher, getting pissed off with Abby etc.!

Robbie dropped Jake off at mine tonight in his new car. His girlfriend was in it too. Grrr! It was so good when Jake had a car. I don’t like to think of his bro and girlfriend having one instead.

Jake and I went to the Trafford Centre tonight cos he needed to feed his shirt buying addition. He bought 2. They are pretty cool though.

I blurted out that I didn’t like his brother (not uncommon knowledge cos he hates me) and Jake accused me of attention seeking!? In the end (when we made up) he said he just couldn’t think of anything else to say.

I’m going through an ugly stage (exam stress!) but Jake kept telling me I’m yummy whether I believe it or not. 🙂 I love him!! Actually, I didn’t feel too bad tonight. I’ve been feeling a mess all week but I’ve been stuck at home revising mostly so it was nice to be out tonight and not sat down.

Bye!

I wish I’d never remembered – 12th June 2001

Tuesday 12th Fuck. I realised before that I’ve made a stupid mistake on the Ecology paper I did last week for biology. I don’t know what made me remember but it suddenly came to me that on one question about catching insects, I wrote about the mark, release and capture method. I realised it was wrong at the time but I thought I only had 7 mins left (I actually had 17 mins but a teacher had written the finishing time wrongly on the board) so I made a note next to the question saying “pitfall traps” but I never went back to it because I forgot. Bugger! I wouldn’t mind but the grade boundaries are sooo close and those few marks could’ve made quite a difference. I’m so pissed off with myself but it’s too late to do anything about it now. I wish I’d never remembered. 😦

Jake and I have been going out a year and 4 months and 1 day. Yesterday was the 11th and that was the date he actually asked me out. HOWEVER, from now on we’ve decided that we will use the date of the 4th to mark anniversary type things cos it was a week before the 11th February (on the 4th) that we first got together, even if nothing was official, at Amanda Bryan’s birthday party in The Coach and Horses. When we think of getting together, that’s what we think of – that party. So, we have now been “together” for 1 year, 4 months, 1 week and 1 day! 🙂

I hate revision! Grrr!!

Jake came round for a bit this evening before he went to Venture Scouts. We didn’t really do much cos we didn’t have much time. I went really, really ticklish though for some reason!

He was telling me about this work experience he’s doing in the summer. He said he’s working at BDP Advanced Technologies on Deansgate in Manchester. At first he said it was only going to be for 2 weeks then he said a month and today he told me it could be for 7 weeks over the summer. Ohh, I might hardly ever get to see him but he said they want to train him up properly and, you never know, if he goes every summer they may offer him a job for after uni.

He suggested that I get some work experience but I don’t particularly want to, to be honest. I’ll be doing a whole year’s work placement at uni (if I get there!), plus I want to make the most of this summer while I’ve got no college stuff to do.

Bye!

I’m doomed! – 11th June 2001

Monday 11th My driving instructor turned up half an hour early today but luckily I was ready unlike once before. It was quite good today I thought and my instructor said so too. He said I’m much more relaxed and the only things I need to think about doing is checking my mirrors before taking my foot off the accelerator and moving over to the left of the road before turning left at a junction or something. Nothing major anyway.

I did some bay parking at the test centre which was okay after a couple of attempts. He said I got it right the first time I did it which is very unusual. Then I was doing about complex junctions and I think he took me to some but I didn’t really notice cos I’ve been round Warrington loads before. My knee was extremely painful though and I had to get out of the car at one point to straighten my leg.

I can’t revise! I’m a bit worried about the last 4 exams I’ve got to do actually. The biology Health and Disease topic is hard and I don’t really understand it, the geography Managing Human Environments is extremely boring so I can’t take it in and then the 2 sports studies papers are both next week and I haven’t revised for any of it yet and there’s LOADS of it. 😦 I’m doomed!

I really can’t wait until my exams are over but I’ve got my next driving lesson the day after so I’d better not drink too much. Grrr!

Jake came round this evening but we had nothing to do so we decided to go to the cinema at the Trafford Centre. Due to the fact he won’t have a car, apparently his dad has said he’ll pay for taxis etc. so that’s how we got there and back.

We had a total headcase driving us there. He seemed to think he was an Italian Jim Carrey or something and wouldn’t stop talking complete bollocks all the way there. Jake said he’s had him before but perhaps due to alcohol he doesn’t remember the guy being quite so mental last time.

We ended up seeing Get Over It and it was better than we expected. We also tested out some Ben & Jerry’s ice creams which were all very nice. Mmm!

Bye!

I left Jake watching TV to go and make some fake cum – 10th June 2001

Sunday 10th Hmm. Last night was quite a varied night in the end with some good bits and some not so good bits.

Jake, Michael, Sarah, Karen, Cat, Gethin and I all went round to Lizzie’s house because her parents went away to Cyprus for 2 weeks yesterday. We all brought alcohol supplies and just settled down in the living room to watch TV/listen to music/talk.

Gethin was being all lively and was poncing about in the middle of the room, dancing and cracking crap jokes in order to be the centre of attention but as soon as everyone lost interest he went and sulked and had heart-to-heart talks with people and cried cos he’s gay. I didn’t fall for it. It was all for attention purposes and really got on my nerves.

My theory is that it was mostly for the benefit of Sarah but she’s so soft she gave him loads of sympathy. You see, I reckon Gethin’s jealous deep down of Michael because now he’s come along, Sarah’s no longer following Gethin round like a little sheep in hope she’ll get a snog out of him. He didn’t want to know at the time but now it’s the whole situation of wanting what he can’t have. I may be wrong but it’d be a very Gethin-like thing to do.

He did ask me if he could talk to me at one point but I refused to go out of the room with him cos I had a feeling that if he was going to go all serious. I’d either get annoyed or laugh and I didn’t really want to fall out with him.

I had a minor jokey disagreement with Jake while he was watching the Formula 1 on TV. I asked why he found it so interesting and he eventually came out with a comment that girls only like football for the perve factor. That pissed me off so much so I put up and argument. He did admit in the end that he knows that’s not why I watch it. Why can’t I just like the game? Grrr.

I left Jake watching TV to go and make some fake cum at one point. Cat found a recipe a while ago on the internet and was going to spread it round Mr L’s room (ha ha ha!!!) so we thought we’d test it out. It didn’t work. We ended up with a runny yellow concoction consisting of egg white, sugar, mayonnaise, flour, evaporated milk, arrowroot, salad cream and lots more. It was pretty mingin’! (We didn’t actually follow a recipe, we guessed!)

A few of us had a go at my drinking games. We played Fuzzy Duck, Bunnies, something with matches and something where you had to pick a bottle up with your mouth while standing on one leg. We got bored pretty quickly though cos none of us were that pissed.

Sarah, Michael, Jake and I all went in Sarah’s car to get Chinese takeaway and stopped to pick Floyd up from The Green Dragon on the way back. He was still working so I used my superb waitressing skills and help him tidy up faster so he could finish his shift. It’s scary how it all came back to me!

When we got back, we ate too much food and all nearly exploded but it’s too nice to leave leftovers! Sarah and Michael then had to go out again to take Cat home cos she had to teach Sunday school this morning.

Cat got upset at one point too, all because of fucking Mr L. She checked his email and discovered a letter which someone had written for him to print off and put with his application forms for new jobs. It was all about why he’d resigned (cos of the allegations made against him) and went cringingly onto say how he loves his job and how he’ll work extra hard to prove himself etc. Tosser!

The part that really got to Cat though was a bit saying that the head of our school would back him up about what an “asset” he was. It sounds like Mr C didn’t believe what Cat was saying. Mr bloody L is going to be allowed to teach again and it’ll happen all over again with more pupils. With any luck though, nobody will want to risk taking him on.

Even though we were all full from Chinese, we kept finding chocolates and sweets all over the house and therefore we all felt even more sick!

It really is a mess in Lizzie’s house. You can hardly move for rubbish and there’s about 4 inches of dust on the vacuum cleaner! Luckily Lizzie said Jake and I could share her sister’s bed so we didn’t have to sleep in amongst the mess. Mind you, it took us a while to clear the crap off her sister’s bed too!

We went to bed pretty early actually. Sarah and Michael shared another bedroom and the others slept on the living room floor.

I left Jake on the bed to go in the bathroom and came back to find him in the bed with no clothes on at all! We just kissed and cuddled for a bit then…

[CENSORED! I can’t include what I wrote because I covered all the gory details at some point with a thick black pen, probably before I went to uni when I feared Mum or Abby would find my diaries. I’m not going to pretend I’m not relieved I don’t have to cringe my way through sharing that sort of stuff.]

We got some sleep after that and it was really nice being able to snuggle up together. It was really nice waking up with him there this morning too. We cuddled for ages before Sarah knocked on the door to say she was leaving soon if we wanted a lift. We all ended up going to McDonald’s for breakfast (mmm, bacon roll!) and Rory was working. The McDonald’s uniform actually makes him look vaguely straight!

Jake got a lift back with Karen cos she was dropping Lizzie off and he lives in the next close to Lizzie. I don’t like leaving him, especially when Karen’s there. I’m going to sound really paranoid now but she keeps flirting with him, I’m sure! He was complaining this morning about his hair being a mess and she started stroking his head saying, “Ahh!”. She laughs at him all the time and kept saying he was sweet last night.

Hugo kept ringing him too and Karen made sure she answered it and said, “Hi! This is Big ‘n’ Bouncy Escorts. How may I help you?” Actually, that was quite funny though. I probably wouldn’t notice as much if I didn’t know that she used to fancy him. Ugh, I don’t know! I don’t think she’s really a threat though!

When I got home this morning, Jake sent me a message saying he’s sorry if he hurt me (pain-wise) last night and not to feel guilty about it. Ooh, I love him sooo much! 🙂

Sarah told me in the car on the way home that she thinks Michael was expecting to go all the way last night but he said he respected her for not wanting to rush it. Aww, sweet! She said she did 2 to him and he did 3 to her on our ranking system.

Just to explain, my mates and I have come up with numbers to represent what stage was reached with lads, just in case we don’t want to say properly what we did if other people are there. It goes:

1 = Snog
2 = Grope
3 = Hands
4 = Mouths
5 = Sex

So, if I ever use those numbers in here, that’s the explanation for it.

I’ve spoken to Jake a couple of times today on the phone cos he decided not to come here cos he’s really tired and doesn’t feel like getting the buses and taxis. (His brother’s getting that Punto but Jake won’t be insured on it.)

I’ve just been texting Jake now and I apologised again for last night. He said it doesn’t matter and that it didn’t last very long the first time so that’s the longest it’s lasted yet!

Oh no, I’ve got a driving lesson tomorrow. I’ve forgotten what to do!

Bye!

I don’t want him to run off with someone who has got legs! – 8th June 2001

Friday 8th Jake phoned me this afternoon to tell me that he, his brother and his dad had been looking for cars this morning. They’ve found a sort of metallic yellow (yuck!) Fiat Punto at some place in Warrington and his brother was going back to test drive it at some point today. Jake says it’s a really nice one so hopefully they’ll get it.

However, when he got to my house later on, Jake was less pleased cos it’ll be really expensive to insure him and his bro on it so he might not be allowed to drive it because he’s going to be at uni in a few months’ time. He’s just going to have to wait and see. He wants his Beetle back most though. That’d be cool!

A few of us including Michael Amhurst did The Run pub crawl tonight. Cat told me something in The Woodman which I’d probably have been better off not hearing. Someone’s dog was sniffing round Jake when he was at the bar and Cat said, “He seems to attract dogs, doesn’t he?!” She meant that literally cos her dog also took quite a fancy to him but she realised it could’ve sounded a bit insulting towards me. I laughed and said, “Well, he did attract Zoe!” I named a few others that liked him as well and then Cat said, “Ooh and Suzanna” when I’d finished the list.

Suzanna is a friend of Emma’s and she’s well known for her slapperish tendencies but many lads so seem to think she’s nice looking. Cat obviously assumed I knew about the Suzanna thing but I didn’t so she told me.

Apparently when Suzanna came on The Run with us a while ago she wasn’t with her boyfriend and she started saying to Emma how nice she thought Jake was. Emma told her that she’d better not dare flirt with him cos she was obviously intending to. What really pisses me off is that I was sat next to him and it’s obvious we’re a couple. Who knows what she’d have tried if Emma and I hadn’t been there. Bitch!

I trust Jake not to do anything but I still don’t like the fact that everyone seems to fancy him. It never happens the other way round. Cat and Sarah said I should be flattered that so many people fancy him but it just worries me. I’m so scared that one day someone will like him and will eventually get him to like her back and he’ll gradually go off me and I’ll lose him.

The thing is that (even if he won’t admit it) he could have pretty much anyone and that makes me feel really insecure cos there’s probably so many people better than me.

He also said (when I asked him!) that if my legs fell off or something he wouldn’t like me quite as much. What if that happens now?! I don’t want him to run off with someone who has got legs!

Anyway, when I got back to mine with Jake he realised I was being quiet and I eventually told him about Suzanna. He couldn’t stop smiling. It’s probably just cos he’s flattered like anyone would be but I didn’t like it. I told him my worry that he might find someone he likes more than me and he said that I don’t have to worry because he loves me and doesn’t ever want anyone else. Good! 🙂

I still wasn’t feeling particularly happy though because I don’t like loads of people fancying him and no-one even looking twice at me. I mean, I don’t want him to look any different cos he’s really nice but people still obviously want to go for him even though they know he’s got a girlfriend. Grrr!! I don’t like the thought of people thinking about him like that cos he’s MINE!!

So, I told him some stuff like that to try and explain what was up with me and I could just see his head expanding. He didn’t mean it though and did seem to understand but I suppose he can’t help it.

I can just imagine people seeing us and thinking, “Urgh! How did dhe get him?!” I think that about people (mean, I know!) so I’m sure others think it too. Maybe they don’t, I don’t know. I’m probably just putting myself down too much but it doesn’t half lower my self-esteem hearing loads of people fancy him and he can’t say, “Well, such and such likes you so you can’t complain!” or anything. Oh well.

The subject of skiing got mentioned too and I commented how I could never afford to do anything like that. He was already pissed off about the Suzanna thing cos he said it upsets him to see me upset and then he just burst into tears. I didn’t mean to upset him but some really evil streak in me was quite pleased because I wasn’t particularly upset and he was and I thought I must have bothered him so he must care.

Then I realised why he was probably sooo upset. It’s a year ago today when his mum died. I did know because it’s hardly the sort of thing to forget cos it was awful at the time but I really should’ve watched what I said, especially about skiing because she wanted him to go. I feel so guilty now. He did calm down after a hug but I felt so bad.

He didn’t actually say that’s what was wrong until he got home and sent me a text message explaining that’s why he got so upset but said I shouldn’t feel bad about it. But I do.

Bye!