Dogs and spandex and cheese-eating elephants – 22nd July 2000

Sunday 22nd As soon as I went down for breakfast this morning, Mr P started saying stuff to his brother about me really deliberately loudly, like, “Ooh, watch out! Tessa is here!” Tosser! I was still incredibly angry with him after his comments last night so I had to go up to my room cos I didn’t want him to see me get upset again.

We had loads of time before setting off for the concert so that have me time to calm down and shoot a few evil glances in the direction of the most annoying teachers!

The concert was in a place called Bad Bertrich and it was way too hot. We were allowed to wear shorts instead of black trousers with our yellow t-shirts to keep us a bit cooler. It didn’t really help that much though cos we weren’t under any cover at all. We could feel ourselves cooking and our instruments melting as we played!

This evening, they took us on the coach to some town so we could eat pizza and drink in a variety of bars instead of just the one at the hostel. I hung round with Cat, Lizzie, Isaac and Denny. To start with, we went for a pizza and Denny nearly burned the place down by sticking a napkin in the candle flame then trying to blow it out but instead blew it onto Isaac’s lap! We managed to extinguish the flame before too much damage was caused!

After the pizza we let the drinking commence and had many interesting conversations with additions from Denny about dogs and spandex and cheese-eating elephants. Hmmm. We were all pissed but it was a nice, happy, giggly, singing sort of pissed.

Due to the alcohol, 3 songs have emerged which will forever remind us of this holiday. These are:

Help! I’m A Fish by the Little Trees

The theme tune from Maid Marian And Her Merry Men off CBBC

I Wanna Fuck A Dog In The Ass by Blink 182

When we got back to the hostel, we made use of the bar there. I had much fun sat on the table next to the teachers, drinking wine and composing and singing our own lyrics to the tune of the Maid Marian song. The song was written with Mr P in mind, by the way. Not that he got to hear it cos every time I began to sing, Cat and Gethin clapped their hands over my mouth. There’s also various other crap written on the bag, all of which makes no sense to me now but perhaps did at the time!

I’ll rewrite the song in here. It goes:
(*I’ll include the variations)

Why don’t you stick your head
Up Mr P-R’s/your brother’s arse
Why don’t you just admit
That you are really shit
*Why don’t you fuck your mum
With children’s bubble gum
Ohh music man
Ohh music man

*Why don’t you feed your mum
With lots of Pedigree Chum… etc.

Just to explain, the part about children’s bubble gum came about because of this:

When it had the gum in it, it looked a bit like a packet with a condom in it and in the song we were suggesting that MR P would have to use children’s size protection due to the small size of his penis. Get it?! Ok, I know it’s all a bit sick but we were pissed.

Also, on the back of the bag is Denny’s insult of the holiday. It goes you dodgy, dirty, fat, German, ming, mama, cheesy, dog fucker.

Anyway, later on this evening, Cat and Lizzie fell out for some reason. People also found it amusing when Lizzie was leaning on Daniel and he said, “I’m not a fucking pillow, you know!” So, because Lizzie and Cat were upset, Mrs P-Y and Miss M came to our room to see if they were ok but ended up talking to me about Mr P and Mr P-R. They were being really nice about it (must have been the alcohol!) and were saying how the men were out of line and that if it was any consolation, they’d been mean to Miss M too. That did make me feel a bit better actually!


Rumours of a threesome – 21st July 2000

Saturday 21st 

Ok, I will now continue with writing down what’s happening on this Germany trip I’m on with Swing Band. Unfortunately, not all of today was quite as good as it could’ve been.

This morning we went to Trier to do a concert in the town. It was another very nice place but the concert wasn’t quite as good as the one we did at Enkirch yesterday.

People weren’t sat down so we were just playing as people walked by. I also forgot to put my black shoes on so I got called a “dozy bugger” by Mr P for wearing my trainers instead. I was in a rush!

At lunchtime we had our most nutritious meal yet….. a Big Mac Meal at McDonald’s! I kept the thing lining my tray as a memory of my most needed McDonald’s meal ever!

We had a quick look round the shops and I saw 2 Scottie dogs, like our dog Mollie, walking round too.

This afternoon we went to the Wild & Erlebnispark in Daun to do summer tobogganing down this metal run thing.

I quite enjoyed it but I realised how dangerous it could be when I heard how many people had fallen off it. Emma was one of them and she flew off and knocked some teeth out on a concrete step. The rest of her was ok but she had to go to a dentist who glued them in place temporarily. It’s a bit of a mess but she can get it sorted properly at home.

We could do what we wanted the evening back at the hostel in Traben-Trarbach so most of us chose the bar option. Most people ended up getting a bit pissed but the teachers were worse than anyone else which isn’t a good idea on a school trip really, I don’t think!

Lizzie and I were kept busy by Daniel’s t-shirt which had velcro and lots of letters so we were arranging them into various different phrases. However, Lizzie and Daniel ended up snogging on Cat’s bed while I was there so rumours of a threesome soon started. We went along with them cos we thought it was funny until Mrs P-Y chucked Daniel out of our room.

Cat then came up to the room and found Daniel’s trainers under her bed so she yelled at Lizzie and locked herself in the bathroom. I was desperate for the loo so I decided to use the ones downstairs but when I opened the door, I was greeted by four teachers. I explained that I was just going to the toilet and I’d be back in a minute but Mrs P-Y and Mr P-R yelled at me to get back in my room.

Mr P-R then muttered something snidey and when I asked him what he said, he just yelled again so I yelled back, “Fine! Piss off then!!” That’s probably not the most sensible thing I’ve ever done but he’s a knob and I really can’t stand him cos he’s just so full of himself.

After 5 minutes, I was on the verge of wetting myself as Cat was still in the bathroom. I decided I was going to go to the loos downstairs whether the teachers liked it or not. They told me to get back in my room and as I glared at Mr P-R, he said in a really stupid way, “Don’t even look at me!” so I told him to piss off again. I marched past Mr P and his brother and into the toilets.

On my way back to my room, Mr P said, “What’s the matter, Tess?”. I told him there was nothing wrong and he said I should apologise to Mr P-R. I flatly refused and Mr P, totally out of the blue, started saying how my boyfriend came on the trip last year and they didn’t get one word of thanks and things like that. Yes they did! Fuckers!!

That totally upset me so I went back to my room and told the others. They all think it’s totally out of order as well. I am sooooo annoyed with those bloody teachers now!


Making kissing noises and telling me to come to bed – 20th July 2000

Friday 20th I was much less tired today which was good cos I didn’t really want to fall asleep in the swimming pool!

Swimming ticket with a picture of the castle on the back:

The pool we went to was okay but after 30 mins or so, I got a bit bored cos there weren’t many slides and the jacuzzi was full of teachers. The wave machine was the best bit, except when I got stuck in the deep end in the middle when it first came on. That was a bit scary!

Afterwards, we all went to the centre of Cochem to meet up with the people who went to visit the castle. There were a few stalls and I bought Jake’s presents there. I got him a yellow toy Beetle and a toy campervan to add to his collection on his windowsill.

This afternoon, after eating a very unfilling lunch of leftover chewy bread and cheese from breakfast, we all went wine tasting at Weingut Schlagkamp (what a name!). Wine label:

This old German guy gave us a tour of his wine cellars and told us about growing grapes and talked us into buying his wine after we tasted it. It was nice so Abby and I bought Mum a bottle. This is the list of the wines we could’ve tasted:

We went back to the hostel for another inedible tea and then got changed into our Swing Band stuff and went to do our first concert of the holiday at Enkirch. It was definitely the best concert we’ve done yet. It was some sort of wine festival and they had a wine queen and princess (or something!) giving speeches. Daniel Downes managed to put pegs on the back of their skirts while they were talking which we all found quite amusing. We always have pegs with us in case we have to play outdoors, to stop the music sheets blowing away.

The concert was so good because the sound was brilliant, we had quite a big audience who gradually got pissed and started dancing, and we were all allowed as much free wine/beer as we wanted from the bar!

I got the giggles reeeally badly half way through because there was an old woman taking photos and she came right up close to me and I couldn’t keep a straight face. Denny, Lizzie and Gethin were laughing too which didn’t help and then Denny imitated her with my camera.

Mr P spotted me and also started laughing and had to explain to the rest of the band what was up with me!

I phoned Jake when I got back to the hostel. He was meant to be doing a pub crawl but then they got to Warburton Bridge, some lads pulled up in a car. Jake and the others legged it but Ali Kershaw got a bit battered so they all went back to his house to speak to the police. He’s okay apparently. Connor went and picked them all up.

While I was on the phone, Mr P came over and started making kissing noises and telling me to come to bed down the phone cos he knew it was Jake. Luckily, I don’t think Jake heard. Not that he wouldn’t have known it was Mr P.

Okay, I think I’m going to have to start a new diary…… See you there!


[I found our Germany trip leaflet in the back of the diary…]

A minging old jelly baby – 19th July 2000

Thursday 19th We spent most of today travelling before getting lost in Traben-Trarbach (the town in Germany where we’re staying) and eventually finding the youth hostel. The town’s really pretty but unfortunately the hostel’s extremely manky!

We had an unidentifiable meal as soon as we arrived and quite a few people made the mistake of putting yoghurt over their meal, thinking it was sauce!

There’s another school staying here who are leaving tomorrow and there are also some people who seem to have learning disabilities. They wander round so I don’t know who they’re with. One of them stands in the entrance and looks like he’s playing castanets.

We didn’t do much this evening. We got our rooms sorted out and unpacked a bit, got told all the hostel rules by Jessica our trip rep, and went to explore the bar and drink much of its contents!

[In the hostel bar with Gethin, Isaac, Denny & Lizzie]

The rules are that we’re not allowed food or drink in our rooms, we have to be in the hostel and quiet by 11pm, and we aren’t allowed to drink alcohol unless it’s from the bar there.

I’m sharing a room with Maeve, Lizzie and Cat. That was what I expected so it’s quite good. Some people have to share a bathroom between 8 of them so I’m glad I’m not in that room.

I’m very tired cos I got no sleep on the coach. However, I don’t really want to sleep in my bed for fear of finding nasty stuff in it. Maeve found make-up (still in its packets) in her bed and Lizzie found a minging old jelly baby. Yuck!


A long and boring journey – 16th & 18th July 2000

Monday 16th I went straight in to see Jake this morning and stayed in his bed for ages and did stuff until I realised my driving instructor was about to turn up. I managed to get ready in time and had quite a good lesson. I did 2 really good bay parks. I saw Jake again later and we just watched TV.


Wednesday 18th I saw Jake all day today and packed for leaving for the Swing Band trip to Germany tonight. I got a bit upset which was basically because I was reminded of his bloody Canada trip but also because we were talking and I realised that he’s involved with me but I’m not really involved with him. He knows all my friends and gets on with my family but the same can’t be said for me and his family and friends.

I said goodbye to Jake and went to school to meet the coach. Sarah, Andy and Floyd all came to wave us off which was nice. I ended up sat with Denny on the coach but I didn’t mind that. We set off on a long and boring journey eventually, after arranging to get another minibus for the instruments cos Club Europe fucked up for the 3rd year running and didn’t get us the trailer we needed or a coach with a tow bar. Duh!


Man-hunting every night – 15th July 2000

Sunday 15th Swing Band had to do a concert in the rain this afternoon at the Brooklyn Hotel in Bolton. There were also little girly Morris dancers too. It wasn’t much fun.

After the concert, I went straight to Gethin’s 18th birthday party. It was good but me and Jake fell out over something completely stupid again. When he arrived, all he did was hold my hand and then he paid more attention to Emma and the frog she’d caught. So, I just went a bit quiet but he thought I was ignoring him so he kept out of my way, therefore I thought he was ignoring me.

Everyone went to The Coach and Horses a but later and I made a comment about people being welcome to Jake if they still fancied him. I didn’t mean it. I was just pissed off. However, he heard me and walked out, telling Denny he was going home. I felt awful then but he wouldn’t answer his phone.

Denny was being all concerned that we were both okay and tried to catch up with him but failed. He was being really sweet!

Just as I was on the verge of tears, Michael and Sarah offered to catch up with him in the car. So off we went and found Jake just walking up towards the prison. I got out and we both apologised and hugged and he ended up staying in the spare room at my house.

During Gethin’s party, I was talking to Lizzie and she filled me in on the events in Cyprus. Floyd stayed in the apartment most of the time and Gethin was constantly ringing Nell. Karen and Lizzie however were off man-hunting every night and succeeded. The only snogged 6 people each but slept with 2 of them each. Karen had a really fit one called Costas and someone else, and Lizzie had Lazarus (the minging friend of Costas) and Harry, a 16 year old student from Berkshire. No doubt we’ll get all the details over and over and over again at various points from now on!


I don’t mime that often! – 12th to 14th July 2001

Thursday 12th I had to do concerts again today for the Year 6 induction days at school. Heidi Warner was being a bitch saying she’s the only flute that plays and things. Grrr!! I don’t mime that often!

I’ve finally sorted an HSBC account out. I’ve got a normal one and they can change it to a student account when I get my results.


Friday 13th I had to do the Swing Band Au Revoir concert at the British Legion tonight. It went well and everyone in my year got certificates and a photo of the band.

Suzanna was there and kept looking at Jake. Afterwards, Jake and I, Denny, Michael and his mate Sam all met up in The Coach and Horses. Sam was very southern and very loud but he seemed nice enough.

We all decided to go to the Trafford Centre cos Michael wanted to see Sarah, even though she’s told him to back off a bit. He saw her and the rest of us danced about in free wigs for 70s night in Prior’s. Jake and Denny got up on the dancefloor and were dancing together which worries me slightly! The also got asked if they had any ecstasy pills! They must have been dancing badly!


Saturday 14th Jake and I went to The Dog with Sarah and Michael tonight. It was quite good actually cos we just chatted. Sarah told me that Gethin had been gutted when Jake and I got together because he fancied us both!


A run in with the Aviemore police – 8th to 11th July 2001

Sunday 8th I saw Jake today but he spent most of the time sleeping because he was camping at Arley Hall yesterday with his fellow Venture Scouts.

My dad is now in Wick after helping his mate move to a house up there somewhere. Mum said he’s had a run in with the Aviemore police cos he was asleep in the van in a layby. They’ve obviously got nothing better to do! She also said he’s been followed round by a greyhound and he felt sorry for it and let it in the house. Apparently the police have now got it.


Monday 9th Jake was a bit more awake today so we went to Manchester and saw Shrek at the Filmworks. It was a top film! I also got a new red watchstrap from the Quiksilver shop.

I had a driving lesson this morning which was a bit bad. The driving was fine but when I had a go at 3 practice theory tests, I failed them all!


Tuesday 10th I completely wasted half my day by going to HSBC in Warrington to try and sort out a student account. They eventually told me that I have to have my results before I can open one. Jake couldn’t open one either cos he hasn’t got his student loan stuff yet.

He came back to mine afterwards but wanted to leave pretty quickly after Mum had one of her mad stressed-out mental tantrums cos I didn’t walk Mollie or empty the dishwasher or something.


Wednesday 11th I had a Swing Band concert at a primary school today for the children. It went quite well, I think. One of my ex-teachers was there too.

I had a Year 10 saxophonist asking me about Banff when we were there and saying he’s been twice. I’ve usually forgotten about Jake going there until someone mentions it and then I get that sicky feeling again cos those 3 months were awful!

Mum’s in a better mood now and Jake’s gone all cuddly again.


Barcelona is FULL of Americans and mopeds – 4th to 6th July 2001

Wednesday 4th We went on another bloody hill walk today to Parc Güell where there’s lots of Gaudi artwork. We shouldn’t have had to walk but most of the damn street escalators weren’t working! It was nice when we got there though.

Two people asked us if we spoke English so maybe we’re so tanned that we now look Spanish. Hah! I think not! I’m still as pasty as anything!

My feet still hurt now from all the walking we did today.

This afternoon we went to see more Gaudi stuff at some building with a bank on the ground floor. We had to pay to get in cos it was like a museum but it was pretty good.

There was an old apartment with all the furniture and stuff still in it. The on the rood there were lots of arches and stuff. It’s all in here!…

We went back to the hotel to get changed and then went out for tea. We went to the harbour bit and to a posher restaurant. It was quite expensive but pretty minging food. We had Spanish food and it was all fishy so I wasn’t too keen. Never mind though, Jake paid for that one!

I rang home again tonight and Mum informed me that Connor quit his job at AMEC because he hates it. He’s got nothing to fall back on though and nothing else lined up. Mum also said it’s very hot at home and there have been floods in Wales around where my Grandma L lived. My dad’s cousin’s caravan’s been washed away. She wasn’t in it though.

Jake and I have now been together for a year and 5 months. 🙂 🙂 🙂


Thursday 5th We went to see the gothic part of Barcelona today. It was quite nice with the narrow streets but I can see why that makes it a bad idea to go at night. We went to the Hard Rock Café again for lunch and then present buying around the harbour bit.

We had a wander then ate at Moka which was a nice and fairly cheap café/restaurant place on Las Ramblas. We didn’t do nearly as much today cos we needed presents etc. and didn’t have much money and we’re pretty tired too.

I don’t really want to go home tomorrow. The things I won’t miss are the sticky heat, the scrubby pickpockets and the music shop under our room which plays about 5 songs over and over. Nsync is one of their favourites which we haven’t been too pleased about! I will miss my bed and the bath and having Jake there all the time though.

We have made one conclusion from this holiday and that is that Barcelona is FULL of Americans and mopeds.


Friday 6th We left our hotel at about 10am and nearly missed the train to the airport which would’ve meant missing the plane. That was quite scary cos we wouldn’t have known what to do.

The flight home wasn’t too good. It was very bumpy and cloudy so I couldn’t see much. I didn’t like it. I thought I was nervous but the girl behind us started hyperventilating and the cabin crew had to take her to their bit at the back to calm her down.

It was surprisingly hot when we got outside Speke Airport to meet my dad. He was a bit late because of traffic jams but he got there eventually.

I saw Jake again this evening and we just stayed in and watched TV cos everyone else is still away.


Worrying him with questions like, “Would you still like me if I had no legs?”– 3rd July 2001

Tuesday 3rd We had breakfast in the hotel this morning and it was really nice. There was a big table in the centre of the room with loads of different foods on it including cakes and doughnuts. I opted for croissants in the end, just to be boring!

We decided to try and go up a hill that Jake went up last year when he was here. After getting lost in the airless Metro tunnels before realising it was a train we needed, we finally made it to the right place. We knew there were trams to the funicular railway which goes to the very top but we didn’t know where to get them from and decided it couldn’t be that far to walk.

Big mistake! It was miles and we were so hot, sweaty and knackered by the time we got to the train thing. I saw a little lizard though.

We ate some food in the shade of a wall at the top of the churchy building at the top of the hill but had no money for a drink. So, pretty much as soon as we got up there, we had a look at the view of the city then went back down the hill.

It was definitely easier and faster to get down and we beat the tram cos it got stuck in traffic. Hah!

We went back to the hotel to have a shower and cool down in our lovely air conditioned room before going to get some more food. What we had for lunch wasn’t very exotic (it was from the Marks & Spencer at the end of the road!) so we went to one of the cafes on Las Ramblas. They said they didn’t have any of the Spanish food we wanted so I ended up with spaghetti bolognaise and Jake had pork chops, I think!

We then walked to the Metro again and went to find the Sagrada Família thing. It’s huge and pretty impressive. They’re still building it so there were loads of cranes and stuff which spoilt it a bit.

We fell out a bit again this evening because Jake asked me to sleep on my bed cos he was hot so we were sleeping miles away from each other. It just annoyed me because we hardly ever get to sleep in the same bed and then when we can, he chucks me out. He also said I’d been worrying him with questions like, “Would you still like me if I had no legs?” etc. I was only messing about though. We both got a bit upset (him more) and we made up and slept in the same bit of bed.