He didn’t write that on Zoe’s – 17th-19th May 1999

Monday 17th Last week of school now! It’d be even better if we didn’t have exams next Monday.

I’ve had a pretty crap time at high school really. I mean, yeah, some bits have been good but I think all that’s been happening recently with certain bitchy girls cancels a lot of it out.

Now, that lot are still going on about things like this holiday they reckon they’re going on to Ibiza in summer 2000. Today they’ve been talking about what they’re doing on the last day. They’re going to The Plough then the Italian then to town. The 2nd two things, maybe, but they’ll have trouble getting served int Plough. They’ll be on guard there. They’re not daft, they know school leavers’ll try and get in.

Just been talking to Adam on the net. Not for long though but he sent me a mail which he and Ronan are sending to Barney. It’s meant to be from some girl in their school who likes Barney and is asking him to make the 1st move and approach her. Someone’s gonna be embarrassed. It’s really snidey actually but what can I do? I really don’t think they like him! Seems okay to me but then I don’t really know him.

BYE!

P.S. I sent Adam and Barney a picture of Nutter. I dunno if I should’ve done really but it’s too late now, innit?! They wanted to see.

Tuesday 18th Adam’s being very distant. Every time I go online he’s got to go and he’s not mailed me properly for a while either. He said he was online for about 2 and a half hours tonight (downloading some syllabus or summit). In all that time he didn’t reply to a mail I sent him last night. Maybe it’s just coincidence or genuine that he’s got his parents nagging him or maybe he’s got revision and stuff. I’ll have to see how it goes.

Cat’s mum won’t take us to the Towers so I’ll have to find another way of getting there.

Emma read my yearbook and Hayley’s entry which mentions Adam. I hope she can’t remember who he is. [I was scared people would find out I’d met a boy on the internet.]

BYE!

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Wednesday 19th Mr M had a photo of me as a shepherd when I was about 5 and he showed the year in assembly. He didn’t say my name though.

I took a shirt to school for people to sign today. Other people have brought them too, including Ewan who asked me to sign his. I put “Hi Ewan, Good luck, love Tessa x”. Kept it short. I got him to sign mine later. He put summit similar and his number.

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Here we all are, shirts in hand. Left to right: Lucy, Sarah, Karen, Emma, Freda, Cat, Lizzie, me, Hayley, Poppy and Zoe (who didn’t get Ewan’s number on her shirt. HA!)

He didn’t write that on Zoe’s whose he did at the same time. [I considered this significant due to their New Year snogging incident.] He might be going to Freda’s party on Friday, although I doubt it seeing as I’m going!

I talked to Adam for a few mins tonight online. I think he really wanted to speak to Barney and Ronan coz he asked me if I’d seen them but I hadn’t. He wants me to write back to him though so I’ll have to find some time from somewhere.

I was talking to GeordieChris from Newcastle as well. His dad’s moved up there now so he won’t be coming back here except for Man City matches and Salford Uni in a couple of years. I think he was a bit drunk coz he wasn’t making much sense.

BYE!

[That was the end of my dolphin diary. I’m seriously considering ending this blog here and now because the very first entry in my next diary recounts my first snog… “Tongues and all!” apparently. Eesh.

I may or may not post that tomorrow depending on whether or not I can schedule in a couple of pints first…]

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It was just as I feared… me and 11 lads! – 13th-16th May 1999

Thursday 13th YES! I’ve done it! I’m so relieved. I never have to do another French oral exam in my life! I got really nervous and I was stuttering and allsorts on my presentation but after Miss H said I’d done really well! I didn’t think so but I’ll believe her to make me feel better. Now all I’ve got to worry about is this P.E. thing tomorrow.

Davis Nolan’s being really nice to me. The other say he told me my hair looked really good when I had it all spiky and tied back and today he lent me his French dictionary and told me I’d be okay. I don’t understand!

Went to the Trafford Centre tonight with Mum and Abby. Bought a blue prom dress and stuff for the last day (next Friday!!!) and other things.

BYE!

Friday 14th That P.E. moderation this afternoon was awful! Lizzie was worrying about it too so we wandered round panicking at lunch. I had to join in on rounders which was first, just to make up the numbers, and that but was okay coz I was with Lizzie, Rachael Hollins, Georgia Dena and Olivia for most of it and I feel much more confident with them around.

After that though, we went in and did basketball. It was just as I feared… me and 11 lads! It was so horrible! To make matters worse, I knew I was being moderated coz Mr P-K kept taking people out of groups and putting me in their place and giving me the best basketballs.

Well, when we got to the game itself, it was like I didn’t exist! Then when I did get a touch of the ball (which was only about twice) it went straight back to the other team. It was so unfair! There was me and about 4 great big lads defending, I had no chance! I was glad when that part was over. Very glad!

Athletics wasn’t too bad. I’d been put down to do 800m, shotput and long jump. I didn’t have to do 800m coz there wasn’t time and the other 2 were okay.

I’ve just been talking to Adam and Ronan on the net. Adam told me that Ronan was being moody. I asked why and he told me that Ronan’s dad’s got really bad cancer and he was probably having a bad day. That’s awful and Adam said I’ve not got to mention it. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

Ronan was with some lad called Stu but I wasn’t allowed to tell Adam that Stu was there for some reason. I dunno why but I didn’t. Ronan said I looked nice on one of the photos he’d seen and I was just about to say thanks and ask him which one and the computer switched off. When I signed on again, Ronan was going. I’ll have to mail him coz he wants more photos of my mates anyway.

Adam went pretty quickly and all so I’ll mail him too I think.

BYE!

Sunday 16th I’ve just been soaking up the celebratory atmosphere at Old Trafford woth Freda and Bronwen Groves because Man Utd have just won the Premiership! They beat Spurs 2-1 to win in. Brilliant! I’ve been hanging out of the car window with scarves and flags and stuff, shouting and cheering at other Man U fans. It’s great!

Freda’s dad bought us a bottle of champagne EACH and I think I drank a bit too much coz I’m spinning a bit. I’m off to bed now.

BYE

The Bitches have sunk so low – 25th February 1999

Wednesday 25th The Bitches have sunk so low this time.

Lena came up to me at last break and said, “Tess, I’ve got something to tell you. You know the Steps concert? Well, my cousin phoned last night and told me that the seats have been double-booked so we don’t know if we’ll be able to go anymore. He said he’d let us know but if we can’t get the seats then all they can do is apologise and give us a refund. We’re all really pissed off about it. Sorry about that but I’ll let you know.” [TRAGEDY! (That was a sarcastic Steps reference, in case you’re wondering. See video below for details.)] Then as soon as she said it, Hayley gave me a look and nudged me, mouthing, “I’ll tell you later”.

We walked over to the rest of them where they’d all just been talking and laughing amongst themselves until we arrived. Then they went all quiet and miserable-looking and they started talking about how unfair the Steps thing was.

That was when I started to get suspicious coz it all seemed so convenient. Plus, before she came over to me, Lena went to Emma and quickly spoke to her about summit so maybe Emma was telling them all to look pissed off.

Then after school, Hayley told me what she wanted to tell me earlier about Lena in French. She’d been saying how excited she was that there was only 2 weeks until the Steps concert. If it’d been true what she said about her cousin then why would she have been excited?

It may all be true but the way Lena said it all seemed very planned. Plus the fact that Georgia Dean (who has been the only one being really nice to me and Hayley) is the only one out of that lot not going. So if they give me my money back, Georgia can pay them and have my ticket and, as long as they keep quiet about it, I can’t find out.

Well, if they are lying, they’d better not think I won’t find out. There’s 2 weeks to go yet (if it’s still on) and one of them is bound to slip up in front of me or Hayley. If they don’t then I’ll phone Emma on the night the concert should be on and if she’s there I’ll ask her about homework. If she’s not, I’ll ask whoever answers the phone where she’s gone and what time she gets back.

I just can’t believe anyone could be so cruel as to do that though. I s’pose I’ll soon find out if it’s true or not. If they’re lying and I find out, it’ll be them that’s in the wrong, not me. They did it to Hayley with The Corrs concert too but they got away with that coz she dropped out voluntarily. I can’t kick up a big fuss though and yell at them all coz then it could get turned round on me. So I’ll tell people but not make it obvious to them.

BYE!

Ralph told her that he’d lost his virginity – 23rd February 1999

Tuesday 23rd It’s not been quite as bad as I expected so far. I’ve done summit though which normally wouldn’t matter but in the situation I’m in has the potential to be a good excuse for people to fall out with me properly.

You see, this morning Emma told me that Ralph told her that he’d lost his virginity over the hols to Colette, one of his older sister’s mates. We were just generally taking the piss and decided that it was too unbelievable. Emma said she couldn’t wait to see him today just so she could give him a knowing smile or summit and she never mentioned not telling him that I know.

So, I saw him after school and walked to the bus stop with him (Hayley came too). I asked him if the rumours were true and he knew what I was talking about. He asked me if Emma had told me and I said yes and he asked me if we were still friends (I dunno if she’s said summit to him or what) coz he didn’t think we were coz she was always in town and stuff.

I updated him on the face that she doesn’t go much anymore and she goes out with Davis Nolan and his Warrington mates. He didn’t sound impressed at the Davis part and asked why she didn’t go to town anymore. I told him that she wasn’t allowed coz her parents don’t trust Suzanna and think they both do drugs and stuff since they found a box of matches in Emma’s pocket.

I only thought afterwards that there are quite a few things which could sound bad. Ralph has also been making things up about Emma and Freddie Bevan apparently as well. I’m worried that he’ll either tell Emma or spread exaggerated stuff about her. There’s a few points like the Davis bit, the drugs bit and the fact I might have dropped her in it.

I didn’t do it intentionally but would she believe me? Even if she did, would she be able to resist the chance of actually having a reason to fall out with me to relieve any guilt she has?

BYE!

No doubt they’ve all had a big get-together – 21st February 1999

Sunday 21st I had another one of those dreams last night that disappointed me when I woke up and realised it wasn’t real. This time I had lots of friends again and Ferny told me he fancied me. I was also in college and not in high school anymore. Nothing else really happened coz I woke up but for a few minutes when I was still half asleep I was looking forward to going to school so I could talk to Ferny. But I woke up properly and found out that it had actually only been a dream.

It’s not fair. Why does my mind keep making me dream things which are so realistic but untrue? That’s what’s so disappointing, I can remember them like they have actually happened and they are things which I would quite like to be true but they’re not. That’s twice in a row now.

I’ve got to be back at school tomorrow. I don’t want to go. Before Xmas I used to actually quite look forward to going to school coz I could see my friends and stuff but now, well, I’m just dreading it. No doubt they’ve all had a big get-together without me or Hayley and Emma will have probably been out every night with Davis, Ed, Ewan etc. and we’ll get to hear about it all. I’m sure they’ll make sure of that.

I don’t seem to ever have had much luck with friends. I must have a big fault in my personality or summit coz every time something like this has happened, I can never think of anything obvious that I’ve done.

Megan Quinn – I was best mates with Megan from nursery school up until about 3rd year of juniors. Then we sort of drifted apart. In the last year of primary school we had to choose 2 other people who we’d go in a form with at high school. There were quite a few of us in my group of friends but I was the one who got left on my own so I ended up getting stuck with Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent.

Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent – That was fine up until about half way through Year 7 when those two suddenly turned on me and bullied me for about 2 years. Lindsey was the obvious leader coz Karen was usually okay on her own but Lindsey wasn’t.

[Lindsey (left) and Karen’s (right) cowbaggery prompted me to draw this delightful picture of them.]

Leona Wright – While that was going on with Lindsey and Karen, I got to be best mates with Leona until she went off with another group of girls and left me with Cat Elliot, Lizzie Bond etc.

It was all fine up until after Xmas. I was best mates with Emma, I had 2 friendship groups after we’d been skiing and I was also mates with lads. But then for some big unknown reason all this happened. I’m going completely left out, my so-called best mate dumped me for them and I have no social life.

What I don’t understand is what the hell I’m meant to have done to deserve this. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s bound to get better but there’s no way of knowing. It could get worse. I just hope it bloody doesn’t.

The annoying thing is that during that time between skiing and Xmas, I just didn’t realise how good I had it.

BYE!

I CAN TAKE IT! – 27th January 1999

Wednesday 27th I didn’t go to school today coz I had a really sore throat when I woke up this morning. I’ve probably caught it off Hayley coz she’s not well again and was coughing everywhere yesterday. She didn’t go to school either today. I know coz I phoned her before.

I’ve been thinking all day about how to react to everyone at school. I’ll carry on as normal with everyone except Emma. I’ll keep my distance from her. She also said yesterday that she didn’t want to fall out with me. Well, she doesn’t seem to care much to me. Providing she hasn’t moved places, I’m sat next to her in most lessons so I’ll just try and act normally then and talk to her like I usually do but at breaks and lunch I’ll go and talk to people who she’s not with.

Above all though, in general I’ve got to act like I’m not bothered and stay chilled. Also, if anyone does anything, I’ve got to bite my tongue if it’s anything that annoys me coz any little outbursts could make matters worse. Especially with Emma coz she really hurt my feelings yesterday and it gets so tempting just to tell her what I think of her at the moment. I’ve really got to control myself coz she’s got everyone on her side and I don’t want any of them to have a real excuse to fall out with us. As far as I can tell, it’s them that’s in the wrong, not me and Hayley.

I’ve also been trying to think positive about the situation. I’ve been telling myself that it’s bound to end eventually one way or another and that school is only 6 hours a day and that if it’s not over by the end of the year, hopefully it’ll change when we leave school.

Also, it’s not just me, it’s Hayley too at the moment so I can still go places with her after school and I’m still mates with people like Freda, Cat and Lizzie for the time being.

I keep saying to myself that I can take it. It’s been making me feel better for some reason. My Auntie S was the one who got me thinking like that coz she said it at Xmas when everyone was threatening to do things to her on her 40th birthday. Hayley’s been getting really upset about it all and I’ve been telling her what I’ve been telling myself. We can take it.

Emma phoned again this morning like she did yesterday to tell me she wasn’t walking round to school. I think she’s using the excuse of her dad having to leave early coz she just doesn’t want to be seen with me. We’ll see.

With all this me-being-too-clingy thing, I’ve felt like that myself with people before such as Rachael Hollins and Hayley and it’s passed eventually but I’m not sure it will with Emma coz she’s following the crowd and they don’t want me either. At least I can still talk to Hayley.

I CAN TAKE IT!

BYE!