Worried? Bollocks! – 11th July 1999

[Jesus. This entry is 8 and a bit pages of post-party analysis! I’ll see how I get on but there may have to be a ‘to be continued’…]

Sunday 11th Okay, I’ll fill you in a bit more on last night’s party cos it was about 1:30am when I wrote that last entry and I wasn’t exactly sober.

When I first arrived with Hayley, we saw Matt Carrera (Zoe’s older brother) heading away from the house with Danny Barnes, Gary Willis and a few more of his mates so when we got inside there was hardly anyone there. More people did start slowly arriving and Zoe insisted that more people were coming.

As soon as Emma arrived, Hayley went very quiet. She hadn’t exactly looked like she was enjoying herself beforehand but this made her worse.

Ewan was meant to have arrived by 8:45 but he still wasn’t there by 9:00 so I was convinced he wasn’t coming but then at about 9:30 I went to get another drink and I saw him and Davis in the kitchen. They disappeared outside for a bit with Emma, after which she came running back in and told me they’d decided I was fit and Ewan stuck his head round the door and grinned at me.

At every possible opportunity, Hayley began slagging me off to Cat and people in front of Ewan and she was telling them how I was only pretending to be pissed. Believe me, I wasn’t pretending! It was obvious to me why she was doing this in front of him. It was cos she was so scared that I’d get together with him and she wouldn’t have a lad. A real friend wouldn’t do that. Anyway, the night looked like it went her way, miserable cow! I bet she’s pleased with herself.

Later on, I decided to go for a wander round the living room. I passed Davis and Gary and Davis patted the seat next to him and told me to sit down and talk with them so I did. Then Ewan came back, sat next to me and started up a conversation. Gary was asking us if we were staying on at 6th Form (we both are) and what we are taking for A Level. Ewan’s doing 4 of them – Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Biology so he said he’d see me in Biology.

Then we started talking about jobs and he told me he’s quit at the garden centre because it paid badly but he was thinking of going back and he asked me if I was working anywhere. I said I was considering Ikea cos my dad said it’s meant to be good there and I had an application form. He asked what my dad did so I said he’s an architectural technician/builder. I’m not quite sure what happened after that but it probably wasn’t interesting.

Adrian Ford arrived a bit later and sometime after that we went for that walk. I wanted to go cos Ewan was but I didn’t want to just follow them so it was lucky that Emma dragged me along too. As we were getting towards the park, Ewan was worrying that he was carrying bottles and thought the police were going to drive by. They didn’t.

Somehow, I ended up admitting that I used to fancy Danny Barnes. I think Emma mentioned it so there was no point in denying it. I said, “Yeah, I used to fancy you” and Ewan turned round and said, “Me?” I told him I meant Danny but Emma told Ewan that I used to like him too. I can’t remember what I said to that. Probably nothing.

We reached the park and I sat on a swing. Ewan sat on the one next to me. We started talking about holidays and I told him how I was going to Belgium and then Scotland and he said he’d never been to Scotland so I told him it was a bit boring for most people cos it’s all mountains and stuff but I liked it up there cos of my relatives too. He said he’d probably like it cos he likes places like that.

He told me how he’d been to Ireland and was going to Wales soon for a while. I said how my family were going to go there for a week or so because of more family there but we decided not to. That’s when he said I could go to Wales with him if I liked. He said Adrian and Robert Osbourne and the Maine twins were going too and they’d be there for the eclipse. They’re going somewhere near Abersoch. I’m not sure if he really meant it when he kept saying, “Come!” but I wish he had!

The subject changed onto how many people Zoe fancies and then he asked me again what I was doing for A Level. We noticed Emma and Adrian going with [snogging] each other at the bottom of the slide and the subject got changed again.

After a while, I asked if he thought we should go back to Zoe’s. He said “no” and asked if I wanted to cos he’d walk back with me but I told him I didn’t really want to go back but I just thought that maybe we should. We did, well, Ewan, Danny and I did. We left the other 2 at the bottom of the slide.

On the way back, Danny was being very quiet (he was sober coz he was driving) so Ewan and I just talked to each other. He asked me again what I was taking for A Level and then asked me where I lived. I’d told him where earlier but he wanted to know whereabouts. I said, “Across the road from The Green Dragon, next door to the Methodist church. The house with the red van outside saying ‘D V Simpson Constructions’ on it.” He seemed to know where I meant.

When we got back to Zoe’s, Cat came up to me and said I’d better go and talk to Hayley and other people were telling me to go outside. I went out and saw Hayley in floods of tears. I couldn’t really have cared less coz I knew what she was playing at. I just thought I’d better look like I was concerned for everyone else’s benefit.

Hayley told me she’d been really worried when I went off and was asking me why I had to keep going off with Emma. I felt like telling her the truth, that she was being a miserable sod but Emma was having fun (come one, which one would you choose to talk to?!) but instead I said summit about not being sure why Hayley wasn’t speaking to me and how Emma was upset about Davis. She seemed to accept that answer and forgave me.

I went along with it even though I was still very pissed off with her coz it wasn’t worth the hassle of doing otherwise. All she was really trying to do was spoil my fun (coz I was having some and she wasn’t) by making me feel guilty. I pretended to feel guilty by repeatedly apologising but I wasn’t really bothered.

I was meant to be going and staying over at Hayley’s but I didn’t want to leave and she did so I said I’d walk her home with Cat but I was going back to Zoe’s. She didn’t seem to mind which surprised me.

When I arrived back at Zoe’s again, Emma was asleep on Ewan’s shoulder so I sat down and talked to him and Adrian for a bit. Ewan then disappeared so later I went upstairs with Ed and we found him on the Playstation in Matt’s room. I sat on the floor and watched.

Soon after that, Lizzie’s dad arrived and dropped me, Emma and Cat off at home. Ewan was still there when I left. I’m pretty disappointed that nothing happened coz I’ll probably not get another chance but I suppose at least I’ve talked to him now, even if it was a load of crap! I don’t think he really likes me much in a ‘fancy’ kind of way coz, even though he did keep talking to me a lot and kept smiling at me, there were a few times when I was in a room and he went out. Surely he wouldn’t have done that if he liked me. Never mind, hey?!

There were a few times when I still got a bit embarrassed though such as when Freda yelled across the room, “Tess, do you still like Ewan?” and he was stood there. In the kitchen I think both me and Ewan spilt drinks and someone (Emma, I think) said, “Oh, you see, you’re made for each other!” I don’t want to start liking him again coz I’ve been much happier when I haven’t liked anyone in particular but it looks like I’m heading that way!

Hayley’s just phoned me. I didn’t make any comment on how she was behaving towards me last night coz it’d be more trouble than it’s worth. Anyway, she said she was talking to Ewan and she asked him if he liked me and according to her (she’s not exactly a reliable source of information coz she either exaggerates or cuts bits out) he said summit like, “I don’t know, I’ve not talked to her yet. That can be my mission for the night.” Then apparently she told him to go and talk to me then coz there was a spare seat next to me or something. I’m not going to take much notice of any of that coz it was Hayley who told me.

I’ve just got back from the Sports Club now. I was with Hayley who keeps apologising for her behaviour last night but she told me that the party made her realise just how much she hated Emma.

I mentioned what Davis and Ewan said about me being fit an she started telling me not to believe a word of it because it was Emma who told me and she’s a liar. Hayley just can’t be please for me, can she?! Why does she have to be so jealous? I can’t agree with her about Emma at all and she knows it puts be in an awkward position when she slags her off like that. It’s as if she’s testing me to see how I’ll react.

When Hayley went to the toilet, Aled and Oscar came in and Oscar was telling me about how worried Hayley was when I went off last night and how she was going round asking everyone if they’d seen me. Worried? Bollocks! Was she heck worried! She was more likely to have been making out that she was the caring friend to gain sympathy and make me look bad. I honestly can’t believe she was genuinely worried about me. It was obvious I was coming back coz my bag was still there and I wasn’t the only one who went anyway.

I remembered before that Ewan was smoking. That’s not good! Although I also remember hearing him say that he wasn’t actually inhaling. I’ve decided I’m not going to get my hopes up about him coz, as usual, it’ll probably only end in me being disappointed again.


[Well, I made it through the lot. That was long and boring. Sorry about that!]


He will go with me if he gets pissed – 9th & 10th July 1999

Friday 9th I went to the primary school this afternoon. The rugby players were there again but I had to keep an eye on the kids so I couldn’t really stare at them!

The second Summer Prom concert was tonight. It went quite well again and, even though I found it a bit tedious, I think the audience enjoyed it.

It’s about 12:30am and I’ve just got in coz I ended up going to The Coach and Horses with everyone. Except I ended up outside it coz they stopped letting anyone wearing a white shirt into the bar! A lot of people went back to Stuart Hobbs’s so, after a while, Freda, Poppy, Cat and I followed. Everyone was just sat outside in the street talking so we joined in until his dad came out and told us the neighbours were complaining.

Then the 4 of us plus Ed walked round to show Cat where Zoe lives so she knows for tomorrow night and we ended up back at Ed’s. His family were still up and his mum told Freda her dad was mad with her coz he’d been driving round trying to find her. She phoned and her mum went to Kwik Save car park so, after walking Poppy back, Freda’s mum dropped me back here at home.

At one point, Ed told me that he thought Ollie Bramwell fancied me coz apparently he’s said things such as, “She’s quite a nice girl, Tess” and “Tess has got a really nice body”.

Emma also told me that if Ewan Swann does go to Zoe’s party then he will go with [snog] me if he gets pissed whether I want to or not. I don’t know where she’s got that idea from though! I don’t even think he’s going to be there coz he was just one of the names Zoe mentioned of the lads who are supposedly going but no-one’s sure if they are actually going to be there or if she’s just telling people this so we’ll go! I suppose I’ll find out.


Saturday 10th So much for Ewan will go with me. Nothing happened other than when he first arrived (sober), Emma ran in and told me that Ewan and Davis had unanimously decided I was fit. I went for a walk with Ewan but only to the park and we were accompanied by Danny Barnes, Adrian Ford and Emma.

Ewan and I were getting on pretty well but other than that he didn’t seem at all interested so I’m pretty disappointed to tell you the truth.

Lizzie’s dad gave me a lift home and Ewan was still there when I left so he’s probably snogged someone else. [I think I might’ve had a Bacardi Breezer or two… my handwriting was pretty skew-whiff by the end of this entry!]


He wanted to cyber with me!! – 14th & 15th June 1999

Monday 14th I had my last Science exam (except for the modules) today. It was quite hard but I was expecting it to be. It didn’t help that I was knackered either due to lack of sleep last night coz I was thinking too much, mostly about Alton Towers. Cat told me this morning that her dad wouldn’t mind taking us either coz he likes it there. The only thing is that we might keep bumping into him which I wouldn’t mind coz it’s an excuse to keep any unwanted lads off me!

I phoned Adam this afternoon. He wasn’t anything like how he was online last night. As usual, he seemed nice enough although, as usual, he started slurring words so I couldn’t tell what he was saying. Some bloke then needed the phone and there was no-one in a Hayley’s house so we told him to phone there.

He did. We talked about boring stuff really. Exams, what parties we were going to after exams and stuff like that. Apparently he told Hayley that Ronan really liked her. We arranged to meet by that frog thing at the Towers but we’ve not sorted a time yet. He said about 10 of his mates are coming. That’s not good! We’re gonna be really outnumbered!

We said we’d talk online at 9:30 tonight. I went on but he wasn’t there though. Ronan came on. He asked who I’d been talking to then if I was talking to anyone now and then he went. I dunno what all that was about!


P.S. Adam also told me that he couldn’t sleep last night either and that he woke up 4 times. He didn’t say why though.

Tuesday 15th I never have to do a Maths exam again, well, not unless I fail and have to re-sit it!! The paper was harder than last time but still pretty simple.

After the exam I went to the bakery with Lizzie B, Sarah L and Freda and as we walked past Oscar’s house we could see him and his mates inside. They must have seen us coz minutes later they were walking behind us!

Lizzie and I went in the newsagent’s and they came in then we went in the bakery and so did they. I then went to Mum’s primary school and, much to my surprise (coz I thought they’d follow Lizzie), so did they! I think they were going to Aled’s house coz he lives up there somewhere.

Also on my way to the primary school I got another unexpected but nice surprise. I was just walking past the Italian and I looked up to see Ewan Swann sat on the pavement under the bus stop sign. I thought he was going to ignore me but instead he smiled and waved! That’s not really good actually coz I kind of like him again and I don’t want to really coz I don’t think he likes me back, he just likes to have someone liking him.

I went online again tonight. Adam was on again and so was Ronan. I didn’t get the usual ‘hiya’ or ‘hi’ greeting from Ronan tonight, instead I got “Hey baby!” I’m not quite sure what to make of that! Then later on I asked what he was doing and he said he was having cybersex with the same person as Adam. I didn’t react coz I thought it might just be to try and make me jealous.

Then later he wanted to cyber with me!! As usual, I squirmed my way out of giving an answer by gradually changing the subject! I thought maybe Adam had told him to say that so he could see how I would react so it’s a good job I didn’t say yes. It might not have been but Ronan’s not normally like that with me!


He didn’t write that on Zoe’s – 17th-19th May 1999

Monday 17th Last week of school now! It’d be even better if we didn’t have exams next Monday.

I’ve had a pretty crap time at high school really. I mean, yeah, some bits have been good but I think all that’s been happening recently with certain bitchy girls cancels a lot of it out.

Now, that lot are still going on about things like this holiday they reckon they’re going on to Ibiza in summer 2000. Today they’ve been talking about what they’re doing on the last day. They’re going to The Plough then the Italian then to town. The 2nd two things, maybe, but they’ll have trouble getting served int Plough. They’ll be on guard there. They’re not daft, they know school leavers’ll try and get in.

Just been talking to Adam on the net. Not for long though but he sent me a mail which he and Ronan are sending to Barney. It’s meant to be from some girl in their school who likes Barney and is asking him to make the 1st move and approach her. Someone’s gonna be embarrassed. It’s really snidey actually but what can I do? I really don’t think they like him! Seems okay to me but then I don’t really know him.


P.S. I sent Adam and Barney a picture of Nutter. I dunno if I should’ve done really but it’s too late now, innit?! They wanted to see.

Tuesday 18th Adam’s being very distant. Every time I go online he’s got to go and he’s not mailed me properly for a while either. He said he was online for about 2 and a half hours tonight (downloading some syllabus or summit). In all that time he didn’t reply to a mail I sent him last night. Maybe it’s just coincidence or genuine that he’s got his parents nagging him or maybe he’s got revision and stuff. I’ll have to see how it goes.

Cat’s mum won’t take us to the Towers so I’ll have to find another way of getting there.

Emma read my yearbook and Hayley’s entry which mentions Adam. I hope she can’t remember who he is. [I was scared people would find out I’d met a boy on the internet.]



Wednesday 19th Mr M had a photo of me as a shepherd when I was about 5 and he showed the year in assembly. He didn’t say my name though.

I took a shirt to school for people to sign today. Other people have brought them too, including Ewan who asked me to sign his. I put “Hi Ewan, Good luck, love Tessa x”. Kept it short. I got him to sign mine later. He put summit similar and his number.


Here we all are, shirts in hand. Left to right: Lucy, Sarah, Karen, Emma, Freda, Cat, Lizzie, me, Hayley, Poppy and Zoe (who didn’t get Ewan’s number on her shirt. HA!)

He didn’t write that on Zoe’s whose he did at the same time. [I considered this significant due to their New Year snogging incident.] He might be going to Freda’s party on Friday, although I doubt it seeing as I’m going!

I talked to Adam for a few mins tonight online. I think he really wanted to speak to Barney and Ronan coz he asked me if I’d seen them but I hadn’t. He wants me to write back to him though so I’ll have to find some time from somewhere.

I was talking to GeordieChris from Newcastle as well. His dad’s moved up there now so he won’t be coming back here except for Man City matches and Salford Uni in a couple of years. I think he was a bit drunk coz he wasn’t making much sense.


[That was the end of my dolphin diary. I’m seriously considering ending this blog here and now because the very first entry in my next diary recounts my first snog… “Tongues and all!” apparently. Eesh.

I may or may not post that tomorrow depending on whether or not I can schedule in a couple of pints first…]


“Tessa’s got nice legs” – 22nd-26th March 1999

Monday 22nd Well, according to Abby, now Ewan’s not going out with Holly. They did go to the cinema though on Saturday night (not on their own) and he did that yawn, stretch and rest your arm back down and the back of the seat next to you, which in his case just happened to be seating Holly! I’d have laughed I think. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face. Abby said Holly moved as far in the opposite direction in her seat as she could! I dunno if that’s true. She also said they didn’t go with [snog] each other and she doesn’t know if Holly likes him or not.

Hayley said she saw “Holly ♥’z Ewan Swan” (spelt wrong) written on the desk in physics. That’s not a good sign.

The Steps photos were in school today. They were showing them off right in front of me so I didn’t react. They were really close to the front too. It’s not fair! Emma’s the only one who’s apologised so far.


Thursday 25th I’m so annoyed with Hayley. We were meant to be going to this under 18s night at Bowlers nightclub at Trafford Park but she’s just let me down at the last minute. Who am I going to find now to come with me? When I first suggested it she was all for it then last week she was having doubts but I managed to persuade her back into it. But then just now she’s decided she really doesn’t want to go.

There’s no reason that she’s given me and I bet she’s left it so late to tell me deliberately so I can’t go either coz she won’t want me to have any fun either.

Fair enough, it might not have been her scene (soft cow!) but it’s unfair on me to leave it so late before letting me know. Well, thanks a bunch, Hayley!


Friday 26th It’s William F’s [Ferny’s] birthday today. Hayley bought him a card and Lena bought him socks. I didn’t bother coz I don’t really speak to him much anymore.

I’ve been wearing a skirt for school for the last couple of days and I think I’m going to have to do it more often coz, in Biology today, I saw Ollie Bramwell looking in my direction. We were watching a video so I went and sat on the side bench near where he was sat and I heard him say to Ed, “Tessa’s got nice legs”. I looked up and Ed told him I’d heard it. I pretended I hadn’t and he asked why I’d gone red then. Well, that was quite flattering anyway.

I went to the cinema to see ‘Waking Ned’ tonight with Freda, Hayley, Lizzie, Karen and Lucy. It was quite a good, funny film and worth seeing.

[Via Wikipedia]

[Via Wikipedia]

Before we went in, we all went to Asda to get food supplies coz it’s cheaper there than at the cinema and we got fed up of looking for Lizzie and Karen so Lucy and I got them to give a customer announcement from the service desk to ask them to meet us. I think they were a bit embarrassed!

Afterwards, there were loads of lads hanging about and some of the fitter ones took an interest in us and were saying “chat her up for me” and stuff to each other. Hayley, of course, was convinced they were talking about her and told me they’d been waving at her and stuff but I think she just said that to try and compete with what Ollie said about my legs. I was with her all the time nearly and I didn’t see them single her out. I waved at them as we left and they waved back coz Freda’s dad arrived just before they got the confidence to come over. Usual thing, never mind!


She called me two-faced – 18th & 19th March 1999

Thursday 18th I’m far from pleased with Hayley right now. She called me two-faced twice today. Once was at break when I asked her whose photos she’d got. She shouted, “I showed you about 4 times in French yesterday but you were too busy being two-faced talking to Emma.” Yes, I was talking to Emma but no, I wasn’t being two-faced.

She’s bloody paranoid! Just because I wasn’t giving her my full, undivided attention, she decided to call me that. She has no right to say that. I can’t believe she seriously thinks I’d be like that, especially after all this recent business.

Then again after school, Emma was trying to tell me summit about Freddie Bevan and I was talking to her and not Hayley. As soon as Emma’d gone it was, “There you go again, being two-faced.” She then started accusing me of ignoring her in English. Well, every time I turned round, she was playing hangman with Cat Elliot and I did speak to her as well.

I tell you, I’m not putting up with this. If she can’t take the fact that I’m still speaking to Emma then that’s her problem. Maybe Emma doesn’t deserve forgiveness but it’d only make my life more difficult too. It’s not worth it. Hayley’s one of my best mates and if she’s that insecure that she thinks I’d piss off with that lot again and dump her for no reason then she really needs to sort herself out.

It’s not fair on me either. I don’t want to sound selfish and I hope I’m not being but it’s true. She makes me miserable. Every time I’m feeling optimistic, I can rely on Hayley to bring me back down to her depressed, bitter, stressed-out level. I dunno how much longer I can cope with her. I really want to tell somebody this but I can’t risk her finding out. She’s usually okay and I get on well with her but every so often she gets like this and I dunno what to do about it.


Friday 19th Hayley’s speaking to me again and I decided just to let her too. She was being all stubborn and quiet in the morning so I had another go at her about over-reacting. She was fine again though after she got a photo off Ferny. She’d been asking people to get one for her so Emma did. It’s quite a nice one of him actually but I’ve already got a few photos of him, although I wouldn’t mind an extra one. Hayley doesn’t know I still like him. I don’t as much as I used to but I still do a bit.

Ewan’s actually going out with Holly Lowe according to Hayley. She said she’d overhead it twice. I’m bothered but not as much as I thought I would be. Never mind, I’m gonna have to get used to the idea I think.

I went to the cinema too this evening with Hayley. We went to see ‘Shakespeare in Love’. Hayley wasn’t all that keen on seeing it but she came out saying it was better than she expected. I wanted to see it coz I’d seen it advertised and I like that sort of film. I thought it was really good. I was a nice film, not too depressing either. I really liked it.

[Via Wikipedia]

Afterwards, we were hanging about waiting for my mum to pick us up and these two 13 or 14 year old lads called us over. We ignored them. We saw them again as we were leaving and they were saying bye to us and asking if we had boyfriends. This means that everyone’ll get pissed off with Hayley now on Monday (including me) coz she’ll go on and on and on about it for weeks.


It’s not like he’s even that nice looking – 16th & 17th March 1999

Tuesday 16th Ewan’s asked Holly Lowe out. Bugger! I really want to forget about him. I dunno why I liked him in the 1st place. I think it was summit to do with the fact that not many other lads went to Paris and it sort of went from there. I mean, it’s not like he’s even that nice looking either. Also, since he’s had his hair cut, he’s developed two bald patches on the back of his head! Who else can I like though?

Jade Hancock’s had her belly button pierced. I want mine done but I don’t think I’d be allowed. Even if I was, I probably wouldn’t actually have the guts to go ahead and do it.


Wednesday 17th We got our year photos and individual photos back this morning. The year one’s quite good and most people that I want to remember are on it along with some I’d rather forget. My individual one is hardly the best picture ever taken of me. It’s a bit close up and I’m not actually looking at the camera. I remember looking away coz I thought I saw summit move when it flashed. It’s okay though. [No, it’s not…]

[I’m not sure which is worse, my early teens fringe or these ‘bits’, as we used to call them. And why am I even showing you this horror?!]

Everyone’s been cutting up passport size ones and handing them round to each other. So far, I’ve got Bella’s and Hayley’s and that’s it.

Emma asked everyone in the Music rooms if she could have one if theirs and if they wanted one of her, except me. Ewan and Adrian Ford were mithering Georgia too in Geography coz they wanted one of her. I don’t think she wants to give them some coz hers isn’t very good. Ewan never asked for one of mine although I can’t say I’m all that surprised.

Man Utd have just drawn 1-1 with Inter Milan (aggrigate 2-0) so they’ve qualified for the UEFA Champions League Cup semi-finals. YEAH!!! It’d be so cool if they got the triple.