He likes the cowgirl look – 29th June & 1st July 2001

Friday 29th Urgh! This pen’s meant to be purple but it’s more of a browny-black colour really. Oh well, I can’t find another one.

I went to Manchester with Jake today in search of a hat for Barcelona and we both ended up getting one from the Quiksilver shop. His is blue and flowery on one side and creamy on the other, and mine’s purpley on one side and creamy on the other. They’re both reversible. Jake says he really likes me in mine and that he wants photos of me in it in Barcelona. We’ll see!

[I wish there wasn’t a photo of me in the hat but here it is.]

Jake picked up a leaflet with a cowgirl on it in Schue today. He likes the cowgirl look and has told me plenty of times. He said he got it to “test my reaction” but I don’t believe him! It’ll probably be on display in his bedroom from now on!

I spoke to Jake’s sister very briefly today at his house. She liked my hat too and suggested we wear them at the same time so we nearly match. I think not!!

Bye!

Sunday 1st I had to do a Swing Band concert at The Roebuck pub in Urmston today. Connor took me and Abby, and Jake came too cos Connor didn’t want to be on his own.

It went quite well and it was a really nice big pub but it was a bit windy so the music kept blowing away. We were also meant to get a barbecue but that didn’t happen until after we’d left unfortunately.

Jake and I are going to Barcelona tomorrow. Yey!! We’ve got to be at Speke Airport quite early so his dad can drop us off before he goes to work in Liverpool. I’m actually pretty nervous about going on the plane to be honest. I don’t know why cos I never used to be. It just doesn’t seem right though, something as big and heavy as an aeroplane being able to stay up in the air!

Bye!

Prancing around thinking they were God’s gift – 27th June 2001

Wednesday 27th P. [period]

Jake was at my house nearly all day but I had to get ready and then go to my college leaving do. He went to The Dog then The Coach and then his mates’ flat where he played with the hamster and talked, apparently.

The leaving do was pretty good and quite eventful actually. It was held at The Village Hotel in Warrington which is really nice. We had the do in a big room but we spread into the bar and outside as the night went on.

Cat’s dad took me, her, Karen and Lizzie there so we all met at Cat’s first. It was weird cos Sarah wasn’t there and we kept feeling like we’d forgotten someone.

[Cat, me, Lizzie and Karen pre-Smirnoff Ices]

Sarah decided not to go, even though we all had a go at trying to persuade her, because she was feeling rough (and embarrassed/guilty/worried) about her activities last night. I’m pretty annoyed with her about it actually. It was Lizzie’s birthday so a few of them went to Warrington (I had no money) and got reeeally bladdered. Sarah snogged 4 random lads including Isaac, had to be helped into a taxi and then slept where she fell on her kitchen floor with the back door open.

The bit I’m annoyed about is her activities with the lads. Poor Michael. I bet he wouldn’t do that to her. Anyway, I said my piece on the phone and she does feel very guilty about it. It’s also a shame she didn’t come to the do cos she missed out and she won’t be on any of the photos.

When we arrived at the hotel, we were greeted by glasses of champagne. The room was fill of balloons and streamers and there was some food out.

[Me, Isaac, Denny, Floyd, Lizzie and Karen]

Isaac made me feel sorry for him at one point when he asked me if the reason Sarah hadn’t come was cos of him. I told him it wasn’t cos as far as I know that’s true. He said he felt really guilty about Michael but Sarah did throw herself at him.

The gap between upstairs and downstairs people in college* was bridged a bit at the do and most people made the effort to talk to each other. It was mainly the lads from downstairs who were being nice to us but I was also talking to Daisy Smith and Josie Nichol who I used to be friends with at primary school.

*[We had one common room downstairs in the 6th Form College building but the swots/moshers/LGBTQ+ amongst us formed a breakaway common room in a disused classroom upstairs away from the popular people where we felt more comfortable all being mildly weird together. It was known as The Mosher Room by those that didn’t use it.]

However, some people did more than just talk. Lizzie got with Jez Greenhalgh and she have him a number 4 behind some building. Karen and Tunde also got together and did number 4 to each other on the grass outside!

[Jez and Lizzie mid-snog]

Adrian Ford felt my arse and then I had a long chat with Gethin in which he told me that he used to fancy me more than he’s ever fancied Jake. Ha ha!! I find that hard to believe actually. We’re friends again anyway.

[Gethin and I being bezzie mates again]

Aww, Mr P was there tonight with scan pics of his baby (his wife’s pregnant). I asked when it’s due and he told me November. I told him my birthday’s in November and he asked what date. I said the 12th and he looked freaked out for a second before telling me that’s the day it’s due. I hope it’s born on my birthday. That’d be really nice.

I spent quite a bit of my night trying to cheer up Denny. He was feeling a bit miserable cos of Jez and Lizzie getting together cos he still really likes Lizzie. He’s too nice for Lizzie and I really hope he gets a really nice girlfriend soon because I think he deserves one.

[Me, Lizzie and Denny in his fetching white suit]

Some daft awards were given out tonight after people voted in college. Here’s who go what:
[I can’t believe we were allowed to dish some of these awards out!]

CATEGORYRECIPIENTPRIZE  
Best looking lad James Douglas (Dougie)Mirror  
Best looking girlEmma ThornleyMirror  
Biggest beer bellyJez GreenhalghPie  
Biggest party animalFreda Fernandez (Freda wasn’t there so Pallav got it instead)Party hat  
Most unlikely coupleFreda Fernandez and Julian Olsen 
Most likely coupleGethin Turner and Paul Wenham (Big Paul)Confetti + 2 model grooms
Most likely porn star  Karen BrentPineapple condom
Biggest male slapper  Gethin TurnerPack of condoms
Biggest female slapperLizzie Bond  Pack of condoms
Biggest pissheadStuart Hobbs  Pint of something
Best arseTanya Potter (Tanya wasn’t there so Tara Costello got it instead) 
Best dressedShauna Adams   
Most likely virginAled Brownlee   
[Jez and his pie prize]

I could’ve slapped Shauna and Tara. They were prancing around thinking they were God’s gift all night after that. They were also glaring at Emma all night, obviously out of pure jealousy.

The only other things that really happened was a fight between Orson Platt and Adrian Ford over Poppy Kaye, and David Ingle being sick due to excessive amounts of alcohol cos it was his birthday!

Bye!

She’s really false – 25th & 26th June 2001

Monday 25th I went to the Trafford Centre with Jake. We got the bus there and Robbie’s girlfriend Amy got on it too. Jake seem to like her and get on with her but she completely ignored me. I wish Robbie liked and got on with me.

When we got there, we also saw loads of people from Jake’s year. Earlier we saw some of them drive past and then we saw a couple of others and then his ex-girlfriend on the way home. The lad (Alex) was the only one who acknowledged my existence and asked me if I’m going to the college leaving do on Wednesday cos he is seeing as he stayed back at college a year.

They all asked Jake about Canada (grr!) and he informed some of them that he’ll go back at some point to renew his qualification thing. He said I could go with him but it involved money which I don’t have and I’d be stuck on my own while he pissed off and skied.

Ugh, he also said Jodie Nichols is going to Huddersfield too. This is not particularly good news as she really gets on my nerves. She used to be my best mate at primary school but then she started ignoring me and now she’s really false when she smiles or says hi and stuff. Plus she was openly flirting with Jake once when she thought I wasn’t there.

Grandma’s still in hospital. If something happens to her and everyone goes up to Scotland, I won’t want to go to Barcelona. I don’t know what to do if the worst happens.

Jake’s not got a job in that architect’s office cos there was nowt for him to do. He’s now decided he wants a job in the Quiksilver shop in Manchester.

Bye!

Tuesday 26th Gethin asked Jake round to his house this morning and I have to say that I was quite a bit pissed off. It was mainly because I felt left out cos he’s meant to be friends with both of us but he’d chosen Jake over me and could’ve asked us both. Also, I know Gethin used to fancy Jake and, even though I know Jake’s not gay, I still don’t like the thought of Gethin being alone with him cos that’s what Gethin would want.

So, I decided to send Gethin a short text message, just to let him know I wasn’t entirely happy, saying, “Why is it that you never ask anyone else round to your on their own? Hmm, I wonder.”

Then about 5 minutes later, the phone rang. It was Gethin asking what the message was in aid of. I told him basically what the problem was and then ended the conversation and thought that was the end of it.

However, when Jake came to mine afterwards, we fell out over it cos he couldn’t see why I felt left out. He started saying stuff about uni too and how we’ll have to have our own friends then. I pointed out that this was different cos we’re both friends with Gethin and I don’t have a problem with him going out without me with his mates that I don’t know as well.

I couldn’t stop crying but then I was also upset about Grandma at the same time cos Mum rang me from work and said she’s really ill.

We eventually made up and he went to Venture Scouts.

Bye!

No shirt on and all his muscles – 24th June 2001

Sunday 24th Michael, Sarah, Jake and I all went to Radio 1’s One Big Sunday at Heaton Park in Manchester today. It was really good!

Michael drove and we got there at about 11am. We thought it’d be busy by then but it wasn’t at all. In fact, we managed to get really close to the stage. It started at 1:30pm and more people began to crowd around us so it got a bit claustrophobic. We decided to move and when we turned round there were 1000s of people behind us. It was actually quite scary that we hadn’t noticed before. We managed to battle our way through the crowd and found a nice patch of grass to sit on. We were side-on to the stage but still quite close.

All the bands and stuff were really good. There was Sugababes, Outkast (one of which was wearing bright pink fluffy pants!), Emma Bunton, Muse, Mis-Teeq, Usher and Wyclef Jean. Wyclef was the best and after the show went off air, he carried on for a bit.

There were loads of Radio 1 DJs there too including Sara Cox, Jamie Theakston and Nemone.

We saw a few people we knew while we were there too. We saw Abby and Connor and then Robert Osbourne who used to be in my form at high school. He was looking pretty fit actually. He walked past us with no shirt on and all his muscles on the way to the portaloos and he said “Hi”. However, I must say that I much prefer Jake, even if he isn’t quite so toned! 🙂

It took us ages to find and get out of the car park afterwards due to all the people and when we finally did, there were LOADS of police down the road and they’d sectioned off an area of grass and trees with police tape. I want to know why!

When we got back to Sarah’s we were really hot so Jake and I played with some ice for a bit. He then said (because I was sunburnt) that he wished we were staying at Sarah’s another night so he could rub aftersun all over me! J

When I got home, I was informed that Grandma L is in hospital. She’d been going to Thurso with Auntie S when her eyes started rolling and she began thrashing about. Auntie S took her to the hospital there and they transferred her to Wick Hospital in an ambulance. They diagnosed her there with pneumonia which Mum warned me is very serious for old people and Grandma’s very ill. I’m really worried about her now. 😦

Bye!

Threesomes and foursomes and incest and stuff – 23rd June 2001

Saturday 23rd It was sooo nice waking up with Jake this morning. We didn’t get up for quite a while cos it was nice just lying there. When we were all finally out of bed, we attempted to make breakfast. I did scrambled eggs, Michael did pancakes and Sarah did toast and bacon. Jake served it all up.

We were at Sarah’s nearly all day before going home and then meeting all our other friends in The Dog to do The Run. Cat really pissed me off at one point by having a go at me for asking her very loudly if she was going to “shag” Floyd. I didn’t say that at all. I know because I wouldn’t have phrased it like that. She must’ve just misheard something else but she wouldn’t listen to me when I said I hadn’t said that.

Everyone went back to Sarah’s tonight. We all sat about for a bit before going to bed. We all got out of bed again though to look at the dodgy books Cat and Gethin found in Sarah’s parents’ room. There was one that explained about threesomes and foursomes and incest and stuff. Weird!

Jake and I did stuff but he didn’t ask if I wanted to this time, he just assumed. He assumed right though. We talked for ages and I know we’re being doubly careful as I’m on the pill for my skin but it was still in the back of my mind about that there could be a tiny chance of an accident somehow. So I asked Jake what he’d do if that happened, just as a matter of interest. He said he definitely wouldn’t dump me and would support me in whatever I wanted to do but seemed in favour of abortion if anything happened at our age because we haven’t got any money etc.

He said ideally he’d want to have kids in his early 30s and would want 2 of them (a boy first then a girl). He said he’d rather have 2 girls than 2 boys cos he reckons they’d be easier. He also told me he wants to marry me again but said after uni cos he want to travel round the world first. When I asked him who with, I was hoping he’d say me but instead he said Charlie Wilson and a couple of other mates cos they all said they would. I wasn’t even mentioned! 😦

I then got pissed off (cos when he got back from Canada he said he wouldn’t go anywhere without me again) then I got upset and then tried to get a moth out of the room and managed to break the curtains. Jake then apologised and cuddled me but then said something about Wick which upset me even more cos it doesn’t look like we’re going this year cos Auntie S isn’t coping very well with looking after Grandma L cos she’s old and has lots wrong with her.

Jake then got upset too because I was upset and said he never wants to go anywhere without me again but just didn’t think when I asked cos he didn’t think I’d want to go with the lads. It’d still have been nice if he’d wanted to go with me though.

Bye!

That’s my last exam failed – 20th to 22nd June 2001

Wednesday 20th AAARRGGHHH!!! Panic! I’m NEVER going to pass Sports Studies tomorrow. I know nothing!

Mum and I went to HSBC in town to try and sort out a student account with them so I can have a free 4 year railcard. However, when I showed the woman my offer from Huddersfield, she started saying how it wasn’t an unconditional offer and that it should be. Duh! Hardly anyone gets them. She didn’t have a clue what she was on about and disappeared into the back loads so whoever was there didn’t know much either. She also started saying how we couldn’t open one until 2nd July but then in the next breath said she’d already opened them for people with offers that looked different to mine.

We also got my holiday money from Lunn Poly and my holiday insurance from Boots and when we got home, Mum rang HSBC and we found out that you can’t open student accounts in any bank until 2nd July for some reason.

I saw Jake this evening and completely out of the blue he said, “I want to marry you”. Obviously he didn’t mean now but it was very nice to hear. 🙂 He also kept cuddling and kissing me and telling me how nice I am. He realises even more how much he loves me when he’s been away. He gave me a lucky kiss for my exam tomorrow and drew a purple smiley face on my hand.

Bye!

Thursday 21st Well, that’s my last exam failed. No more now. Yey!

I found out today that Mr L’s wife’s been killed in a car crash. It’s awful. She didn’t deserve that.

I went round to Lizzie’s house tonight for a small party to celebrate the end of exams. It was okay but we mainly just sat around and watched the South Park movie. Jake didn’t come because he was doing some pub crawl with his mates somewhere.

Sarah admitted to me that if she met Maz somewhere she probably wouldn’t say no if he launched himself at her. Why can’t my friends stick with one lad? When I point out that I have done, they always say that it’s different “because it’s Jake”.

Bye!

Friday 22nd It’s so weird now. I keep forgetting I don’t have to revise and I don’t know what to do with myself!

Michael picked me and Jake up this evening and we all went round to Sarah’s because her parents have gone to Cyprus. Sarah was still at work when we arrived but I had a back door key so we just sat around watching Big Brother and stuff. I didn’t want Narinder to be evicted!

We were all staying over so Sarah let me and Jake have the spare bed and Michael slept in Sarah’s bed with her. Jake and I just kissed and cuddled to start with and then things progressed when we were just about to go to sleep.

Bye!

I’ve got to stop this paranoia! – 18th & 19th June 2001

Monday 18th I was in a bit of a better mood this morning and all that stuff I wrote last night now seems completely stupid!

However, my exam this afternoon has pissed me off completely. It was the physiology section of Sports Studies and we had 2 hours to do 4 long questions. I just don’t see the point of doing pages and pages of notes on loads of different things when the exam only covers 4 small areas. Typically, those 4 areas were also on the thinks that I didn’t particularly understand. Oh well, only one more exam to go now.

Jake gets back from Scotland tonight and I was expecting to see him cos he said he should be able to get here. I really need a hug after this weekend and that exam today but he’s just texted me today he won’t be able to get here cos his dad’s been driving all day and his bro’s too tired. I don’t think he’s all that bothered about seeing me actually cos surely he could get a bus or a taxi like he normally does.

Urgh, I’ve got to stop this paranoia! It’s not doing me any good. He probably doesn’t feel like hanging round for buses etc. after travelling all day and he probably wants a shower and bed. I’ll just have to see him tomorrow instead cos I doubt I’ll do any revision tomorrow evening anyway. He’d better bring the chocolate he bought me. I need it!

Bye!

Tuesday 19th It’s Dad’s birthday today! I’m not sure how old he is actually. Hang on, he was born in 1946 so he must be… erm… 55(?). I hate maths!!

I’m feeling much better today anyway and very much loved! Jake came at about 4:30pm and kept hugging me and telling me I was nice and stuff. I didn’t see him for very long cos he had Venture Scouts but I was left with plenty of chocolate to eat!

Bye!

My personality’s obviously not enough! – 17th June 2001

Sunday 17th I got a bit upset this afternoon during a break from my mad last-minute cramming-style revision. I was just lying on my bed and thinking (I really shouldn’t do that!) and I just suddenly found myself crying.

There are 3 things that are bothering me most at the moment. They are:

  1. The fact that I’ve become thick over the last few weeks and it’s looking very unlikely that I’ll get 14 points for uni.
  2. It doesn’t seem likely that we’ll be going to Wick this summer cos my Auntie S is stressed about my Grandma L.
  3. I’m feeling a bit insecure about me and Jake.

Recently I have been a bit worried about me and Jake due to the Suzanna thing and the fact that I know other people fancy him too so the worry that one day he’ll like one of the people who like him more than he likes me has come to my mind. However, a conversation we had on the phone when he finally decided to ring me after playing rounders with a bunch of Cub Scouts at 11pm yesterday has added to my insecurities.

Somehow we got on to the subject of no sex again. I started off joking, asking would he go off me if I never ever wanted to. He said he wouldn’t be able to not do it forever so I narrowed it down to 10 years, the 5 years, then 1 year but he was still saying he couldn’t do without. I mean, we’ve only ever done it twice and neither time was exactly brilliant so then I started to worry. I realised that he was saying he’d go off me if I didn’t want to do it and he’s also said he wouldn’t like me as much with no legs. It sounds like he doesn’t like me for my personality at all otherwise he’d love me whatever, surely?

That conversation make me think of Barcelona and the fact that I might not be able to do much there cos my period’s due. I’m worried that he’ll be pissed off cos he sounds keen to make the most of the few nights we’ve got there. He’s usually understanding about that though cos he knows I can’t exactly help it.

Oh I don’t know. My self-esteem’s just gone way down. I feel a bit of a mess (looks-wise) at the moment so what if Jake notices? Will he go off me or what?

The other thing that’s at the back of my mind is that what if, one day, I have to come of the pills for my skin and my spots flare up again. I remember him once commenting ages ago how awful someone’s acne looked. There’s no way he’d want to be seen with me if my skin got bad again, is there? My personality’s obviously not enough!

His comments about models in magazines and stuff don’t help either. I mean, fair enough, I ask him if he’d fancy them but he always says yes. That’s what worries me. What if someone who looked like them liked him? He wouldn’t like me as much, I’m sure.

All this insecurity really started when he started saying he couldn’t talk to me about stuff (e.g. his mum) when we got into that argument the other week. It sounds like he doesn’t trust me. I’m always moaning about stuff to him but he never does it back. I can’t help it, I’m just scared one day he’ll get sick of me whinging about things

Ugh, I don’t know what’s up with me at the moment. I think I am stressed about exams and that’s the underlying thing. Plus uni is looming (providing I get in!) and I have to say, I am a bit nervous about it. That could also be when I lose Jake if we meet new people cos so many people I know have split up, even if they went to the same place. I don’t want that to happen to us.

Hearing that his dad doesn’t like me and his bro’s been slagging me off haven’t exactly boosted my confidence either. My family like Jake and I’d like it if his family liked me too and made me feel welcome.

I think I just need Jake to reassure me really. He says he loves me all the time and I believe him but I need to hear why he loves me, I think. I need him to tell me spontaneously too, without me having to say something first or having to be upset and he just says stuff to make me feel better. That’s probably not going to happen but still, I need to hear something positive right now to stop me feeling so fed up.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that he fancied me for ages before we got together and there must be reasons for that.

Bye!

P.S. I’ve just spoken to Jake on the phone and got a bit upset. I told him my worry about him finding someone else he likes more than me. Instead of saying it WON’T happen, he just kept saying he hopes it doesn’t. He’s not ruling it out completely then! Ohh, I really need a hug!

I’m not thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have told him that I’m feeling a bit insecure and why cos he doesn’t really have to worry about things like that about me so it’s like he’s in a better position than me so he’s kind of in control. For example, if we split up, he’s good looking and I’m pretty normal so he’s more likely to find someone else.

Oh, I really do think way too much!

I’m going through an ugly stage – 14th June 2001

Thursday 14th Uurrggh! Shiiiit!! There’s no way I can pass my geography and biology exams tomorrow. I am sooooo fucked!! I don’t know anything and the small amount of information I have managed to memorise means absolutely nothing to me. I’d better start collecting application forms for places like McDonald’s and Woolworths soon cos I very much doubt I’ll be getting 14 points from my exams.

I think I’m suffering from exam stress. Well, that’s my excuse for everything e.g. not emptying the dishwasher, getting pissed off with Abby etc.!

Robbie dropped Jake off at mine tonight in his new car. His girlfriend was in it too. Grrr! It was so good when Jake had a car. I don’t like to think of his bro and girlfriend having one instead.

Jake and I went to the Trafford Centre tonight cos he needed to feed his shirt buying addition. He bought 2. They are pretty cool though.

I blurted out that I didn’t like his brother (not uncommon knowledge cos he hates me) and Jake accused me of attention seeking!? In the end (when we made up) he said he just couldn’t think of anything else to say.

I’m going through an ugly stage (exam stress!) but Jake kept telling me I’m yummy whether I believe it or not. 🙂 I love him!! Actually, I didn’t feel too bad tonight. I’ve been feeling a mess all week but I’ve been stuck at home revising mostly so it was nice to be out tonight and not sat down.

Bye!

I wish I’d never remembered – 12th June 2001

Tuesday 12th Fuck. I realised before that I’ve made a stupid mistake on the Ecology paper I did last week for biology. I don’t know what made me remember but it suddenly came to me that on one question about catching insects, I wrote about the mark, release and capture method. I realised it was wrong at the time but I thought I only had 7 mins left (I actually had 17 mins but a teacher had written the finishing time wrongly on the board) so I made a note next to the question saying “pitfall traps” but I never went back to it because I forgot. Bugger! I wouldn’t mind but the grade boundaries are sooo close and those few marks could’ve made quite a difference. I’m so pissed off with myself but it’s too late to do anything about it now. I wish I’d never remembered. 😦

Jake and I have been going out a year and 4 months and 1 day. Yesterday was the 11th and that was the date he actually asked me out. HOWEVER, from now on we’ve decided that we will use the date of the 4th to mark anniversary type things cos it was a week before the 11th February (on the 4th) that we first got together, even if nothing was official, at Amanda Bryan’s birthday party in The Coach and Horses. When we think of getting together, that’s what we think of – that party. So, we have now been “together” for 1 year, 4 months, 1 week and 1 day! 🙂

I hate revision! Grrr!!

Jake came round for a bit this evening before he went to Venture Scouts. We didn’t really do much cos we didn’t have much time. I went really, really ticklish though for some reason!

He was telling me about this work experience he’s doing in the summer. He said he’s working at BDP Advanced Technologies on Deansgate in Manchester. At first he said it was only going to be for 2 weeks then he said a month and today he told me it could be for 7 weeks over the summer. Ohh, I might hardly ever get to see him but he said they want to train him up properly and, you never know, if he goes every summer they may offer him a job for after uni.

He suggested that I get some work experience but I don’t particularly want to, to be honest. I’ll be doing a whole year’s work placement at uni (if I get there!), plus I want to make the most of this summer while I’ve got no college stuff to do.

Bye!