One of her against the rest of them – 13th & 15th March 1999

Saturday 13th I should be there now at that concert but I’m not, am I? The advert for it and competitions to win tickets for it keep coming on the radio just to rub it in. There are so many questions I want answering but I don’t want to ask them for fear of what the answer might be. It could be something I don’t want to hear and that I’m better off not hearing but I really want to put them on the spot and make them suffer.

Hayley phoned here before. She’s working hard at the florist this weekend coz of Mother’s Day tomorrow. She’s delivering a bunch to Ewan’s mum tomorrow and told me that she did a couple of years ago too and he answered in his Lion King pyjamas! Aah, how sweet!

She also told me that this morning they [the bitches] all walked past. I think they stayed over at Rachael’s house before tonight and Georgia went in the shop to cancel an order. They make me so angry! I still can’t believe they’re going to get away with all this. […so I drew them.]

[The herd from left to right: Emma, Rachael, Lindsey, Olivia and Lena.]

[The herd from left to right: Emma, Rachael, Lindsey, Olivia and Lena.]


Monday 15th I sort of had it out with Emma this morning. Well, Hayley did, I just sat there and waited for her to shut up.

Lena, Jade and Lindsey weren’t in school so I took the opportunity to let her explain properly whilst she was on her own. But as soon as she opened her mouth, Hayley jumped down her throat saying how they’d all treated us like shit and stuff. She’s handled it all in a completely different way to me. I’ve been trying to take the calm approach whilst she’s just been screaming and yelling at people then bursting into tears.

I managed to get Emma alone later on and I just asked why she went along with it all. She basically said that she was sorry and that she knows she’s meant to be my friend but there was like one of her against the rest of them. She gave the same answer when I asked about the Johnny thing.

I think I believe her and I can half understand why she did it and I know she wasn’t behind it all. She told me that just before Lena told me about the seats, she’d gone up to Emma and said, “I’m going to tell Tess the seats have been double-booked coz Georgia’s coming. Just play along.” I think that’s the truth coz I did see Lena speaking quickly to Emma before she said that to me.

If she really did agree with what they’ve done and wasn’t feeling guilty then she probably wouldn’t have taken the risk of talking to me about it. Not only that but telling me who was behind it all and also telling me that she knows Rachael’s an immature little cow and there’s no excuse for the way she’s been acting.

I feel a bit better now most of this is out in the open between me and Emma. I dunno about her though but she wasn’t acting as if she wanted to get rid of me quite as much today. I’ve found myself forgiving her for it because she seems to have been pretty honest with me about the situation.

As I was waiting for Mum to drive past and pick me up on the way home, a white Ford Escort drove past beeping. I looked up and there was Nutter waving at me from the passenger seat. I think I sort of smiled but only out of shock!


Some people are just like that – 12th March 1999

Friday 12th At last break, Bella Jameson dragged me into C Block and told me that she’d just been talking to Jade Hancock. She said she’d been bragging about going to the Steps concert so Bella said she shut her up by saying, “But I thought your seats had been double-booked.” Nice one, Bels!

By the sounds of it , Jade realised what she’d done and tried to worm her way out of it by telling Bella that they had been double-booked and that they weren’t going or summit but realised she’d been caught out and, when Bella asked why I wasn’t going, Jade told her summit like I was moody. Well, Bella doesn’t think I am and I can’t think of when I’ve been moody towards them. Well, no more than anyone else has been, if not less, so it’s just another one of their excuses.

In orchestra, I decided I couldn’t put up with another weekend of worrying about what I was going to say and how I was going to react to them all on Monday. So, very calmly and out of the blue, I asked Emma, “Is it true you’re still going to the Steps concert tomorrow?”

She sort of sighed and sounded relieved which surprised me because I thought she’d deny it. She said, “Yeah, we are. I’m so sorry about it. I’ve been working up to telling you all week. In fact, I’m glad you’ve brought it up coz I didn’t know what to say.”

I asked why they’d done it and she said, “Georgia wanted to go but I didn’t know about it until afterwards.” So I asked whose idea it’d been and she told me she thought it was Lena and Jade who came up with it but she thought Lindsey Bullman was the one at the bottom of the whole thing but she didn’t know why. She said it was probably just a continuation of what happened before with Lindsey and Karen [Bullying me in Year 7 and 8.] and that I hadn’t necessarily done anything because some people are just like that.

She also told me that Lena and Jade just had a really major falling out (good!) because of it all. Apparently, Lena had a right go at Jade coz she was the one who let slip 3 times to Sarah, Freda and Bella.

It was like a big weight had been lifted off her shoulders and all this stuff about Lindsey, Lena and Jade came flooding out. It could’ve all been an act but I don’t think it was. I think she’s genuinely been feeling guilty and I doubt she was behind it all anyway. It’s not her style. I have to say, she was risking her friendship with them a bit by telling me who was behind it all coz I could just go and tell them what she said. I won’t though.

The funny thing was that I just wasn’t annoyed with her at all. I expected myself to really want to hit her but all the tension that there’s been seemed to just go away. I can’t say I can completely forgive her coz she had plenty of opportunities to tell me they were still going but instead she lied like with the Johnny thing yesterday, although she wasn’t on her own when I brought that up. That little bitch Rachael was there too. Rachael may not have been behind it all but, out of the lot of them, she’s the one that’s acted the worst towards me.

It might all change after the weekend when Emma’s spoken to them all without me there and she could go bitchy again. I’ll have to see what happens on Monday then take it from there.

I went to the cinema this evening with Cat Elliot, Karen Brent and Lizzie Bond to see ‘This Year’s Love’. It was an 18 but we got in (amazingly). It was meant to be funny but it wasn’t really. In fact, it was a bit depressing. I quite enjoyed myself though and we had a laugh.

[Via Wikipedia]

[Via Wikipedia]

We went to MacDonald’s after and got a few beeps and whistles from cars full of lads. Then when we were eating, we looked out of the window which was right next to me and there was this car crawling next to it. The lad driving turned round and winked (I smiled back) then sped off.


Bitches! – 10th & 11th March 1999

Wednesday 10th Emma’s changed her story since last night. When I asked her last night why he wanted me to phone him, she said it was coz he liked me. Today after school when I asked her why he couldn’t just phone me, she told me it was coz I liked him and not the other way round.

He’s confused me too. This morning he completely ignored me when I saw him (but I’m not actually sure he saw me coz he was talking to someone) then at lunch he leapt out from under the stairs (he was getting his bag) and said, “Hiya Tess!” I said hi back but I dunno if he heard me coz I was walking away. I hope he did coz I don’t want him thinking I’m ignoring him.

I don’t think he does like me actually, it’s more like he just wants to keep me interested. He was wearing his glasses all day though!

Sadie told me he fancies Holly Lowe or someone this morning so it’s not looking good for me. Yes more disappointment. I’m stupid for getting my hopes up in the first place. I always do that. He’s not freaky enough to like me anyway!

Speaking of freaks, Nutter reckons he’s had the same e-mail. He asked Hayley what the mail address was and then told her he’d had one too. Yeah right!

They were all planning what they were wearing for the Steps concert on Saturday according to Hayley. If that’s true then Emma was lying through her teeth when she said she was wondering if Johnny Doherty (who’s going for a dare or summit) got our seats.


Thursday 11th He’s too shy to phone me but he’ll phone bleeding Holly Lowe (or whatever). Shy – huh, yeah right! He completely ignored me twice today as well. I knew this’d happen. I said didn’t I that I’d end up being disappointed. Bloody hell! Why can’t summit go nicely for a change?

I was so close to smacking Emma one in Science too. I was bloody pissed off with that lying little bitch! She said the “Johnny’s the one who’d probably got our seats” thing again today when I wondered out loud who’d got them. She didn’t even change the subject.

I know they’re bloody going coz Jade Hancock’s let slip twice to Sarah Llewellyn and Freda when they asked her (separately) what she was doing this weekend. She actually said, “I’m going to the Steps concert on Saturday night.” Bitches!

I can’t get over the fact that they’ve actually kept all this up. It’s so low! The thing that’s really pissed me off is the fact that they’re gonna get away with it too.


Why can’t either Ewan or Ferny ask me to the prom? – 3rd & 5th March 1999

Wednesday 3rd We had our form photos done today and I completely forgot so I probably look a right state on it!

After orchestra tonight, Dougie went up to Emma and asked her if she was going to see A Bug’s Life on Friday. She started telling him who was going and stuff. Ewan’s going and so’s Suzanna. That’s not good. She’ll be all over him coz the rest that are going (lad-wise) are all either mingin’ or taken.

It’s not fair. I really want to go. I should’ve put her on the spot and asked why I hadn’t been asked. I’ll have to try and bring it up again. It was just that I had a good opportunity after school when she was on her own.

If she did end up asking me though (which I very much doubt’ll happen), I’d feel tight on Hayley and also it’d always be in the back of my mind that I’d only be invited coz I forced her. Mind you, it’s already obvious they don’t want me to go.

There’s been no more mention of the prom. Well, not that I’ve been told about anyway. I’ll tell you what I reckon’ll happen. Ewan’ll ask Georgia for definite, that’s what. He’ll also fall into the Suzanna obsession after Friday and he’ll completely forget about me.

Why can’t either Ewan or Ferny ask me to the prom? I’ve had enough bad luck recently, I now want summit good to happen for a change.

Dad’s just got back from Old Trafford. He got a spare ticket off his friend Geoff to go and see Man Utd v Inter Milan there for the quarter finals of the UEFA Cup. I had to watch it on TV. It was still quite a good match though. Man Utd won 2-0, both goals from Yorke in the first half. Not bad.


Friday 5th Well, Emma finally asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema this morning. It wasn’t directly to me, it was more of an open question to anyone who was listening. So, I asked her in orchestra why she hadn’t asked me or Hayley and she said she had this morning then said about 3 times, “You can come if you want” at various moments.

Annoyingly, it turned out that I couldn’t go coz my family were out and about this evening so I couldn’t get a lift anywhere. If she’d have asked me yesterday I’d probably have gone. I could’ve been well in there with Ewan now but he’s probably got off with and/or is going out with Emma, Suzanna or someone else by now. No doubt I’ll get to hear all about it all at this music competition thing tomorrow.


P.S. I got my Steps money back off Lena who also told Freda that the reason she and Lindsey have been off with me is that she don’t really know me that well so they dunno what to say to me. Hmmm, I’m not sure what to make of that.

A bit of a confidence boost – 1st & 2nd March 1999

Monday 1st Freda heard all my ex-mates organising lifts and when she asked where to they told her The Apollo which is where the Steps concert is.

I asked Lena if she’d heard anything about the tickets and she told me that she was going to cash in a cheque or summit so we could get our money back. I wasn’t sure if she was lying coz she said it so calmly even though I asked her out of the blue but Freda said it was bollocks coz she’d also heard them talking about getting money back for me or summit. They must’ve planned what they were going to say if I asked them then.

In Science, Emma was being a cow too. She asked Rachael if she wanted to go and see A Bug’s Life at the cinema on Friday with her, Gavin Bilson, Suzanna and Olivia. Then she asked Davis and said she was trying to get a group of people together. She didn’t ask me.

Why are they doing this? Freda said they have said in the past that Hayley and I are boring and moody but she thinks it’s more to do with the fact that they didn’t particularly like Hayley and they’ve taken a dislike to me too coz I stuck by her. It’s just not right. It’s also wrong that they’re probably going to get away with it as well.


Tuesday 2nd Emma told me this morning that in Art yesterday Ewan wanted her to ask Georgia Dean what she’d say if he asked her to the prom. (She doesn’t know.) She said he also said that he thought Georgia was quite nice but that I was really pretty. She said he just came out with it too.

She also told me that Davis said my sister was really nice to talk to but I was really attractive and he said that Ewan agreed with that bit too.

Well, that’s given me a bit of a confidence boost anyway. Shame he’s not asking me to the prom though. It must be my personality then.


I also had a Carlsberg and a Hooch – 27th February 1999

Saturday 27th I’d have written last night but I got in from Freda’s sleepover (which I didn’t sleepover at) a bit late.

Yesterday, Freda told me that she’d heard the bitchy lot all say that if they kept quiet about the Steps concert, no-one would get suspicious. Too late people! She also asked Georgia Dean when it was and Georgia asked Lena if it was the 13th and Lena nudged Georgia and told Freda it’d been cancelled. Yeah right!

Freda also brought some photos of us all in yesterday and there was one with me, Emma, Olivia and Georgia on it. She said that Lena covered me up and said, “Now it’s a better photo.” Little bitch, as my mum put it!

My mum also keeps saying how disappointed she is in Emma and how she shouldn’t be going along with it all and how this situation shows up the weak ones of the lot of ‘em.

Anyway, I went to Freda’s last night until about 11:00pm. Hayley and I left early coz we didn’t want to be asleep all weekend coz she’s got to work and I’ve got coursework to do. There was Karen Brent, Sarah Llewellyn, Rani S, Lucy Jacobs, Cat Elliot and Freda (of course) there too.

Karen (surprisingly) supplied a loads of booze including a bottle of Bacardi which was pretty much empty by the time I had to leave, thanks to me. I drank it with coke and I also had a Carlsberg and a Hooch. [What a combo.] I seem to be okay this morning though coz I just went really giggly and not totally out of it.

[I think that might’ve been my first proper drinking experience. Not sure what happened to ‘I don’t like what alcohol does to peopleetc. I knew I’d caved eventually…]


The Bitches have sunk so low – 25th February 1999

Wednesday 25th The Bitches have sunk so low this time.

Lena came up to me at last break and said, “Tess, I’ve got something to tell you. You know the Steps concert? Well, my cousin phoned last night and told me that the seats have been double-booked so we don’t know if we’ll be able to go anymore. He said he’d let us know but if we can’t get the seats then all they can do is apologise and give us a refund. We’re all really pissed off about it. Sorry about that but I’ll let you know.” [TRAGEDY! (That was a sarcastic Steps reference, in case you’re wondering. See video below for details.)] Then as soon as she said it, Hayley gave me a look and nudged me, mouthing, “I’ll tell you later”.

We walked over to the rest of them where they’d all just been talking and laughing amongst themselves until we arrived. Then they went all quiet and miserable-looking and they started talking about how unfair the Steps thing was.

That was when I started to get suspicious coz it all seemed so convenient. Plus, before she came over to me, Lena went to Emma and quickly spoke to her about summit so maybe Emma was telling them all to look pissed off.

Then after school, Hayley told me what she wanted to tell me earlier about Lena in French. She’d been saying how excited she was that there was only 2 weeks until the Steps concert. If it’d been true what she said about her cousin then why would she have been excited?

It may all be true but the way Lena said it all seemed very planned. Plus the fact that Georgia Dean (who has been the only one being really nice to me and Hayley) is the only one out of that lot not going. So if they give me my money back, Georgia can pay them and have my ticket and, as long as they keep quiet about it, I can’t find out.

Well, if they are lying, they’d better not think I won’t find out. There’s 2 weeks to go yet (if it’s still on) and one of them is bound to slip up in front of me or Hayley. If they don’t then I’ll phone Emma on the night the concert should be on and if she’s there I’ll ask her about homework. If she’s not, I’ll ask whoever answers the phone where she’s gone and what time she gets back.

I just can’t believe anyone could be so cruel as to do that though. I s’pose I’ll soon find out if it’s true or not. If they’re lying and I find out, it’ll be them that’s in the wrong, not me. They did it to Hayley with The Corrs concert too but they got away with that coz she dropped out voluntarily. I can’t kick up a big fuss though and yell at them all coz then it could get turned round on me. So I’ll tell people but not make it obvious to them.


No doubt they’ve all had a big get-together – 21st February 1999

Sunday 21st I had another one of those dreams last night that disappointed me when I woke up and realised it wasn’t real. This time I had lots of friends again and Ferny told me he fancied me. I was also in college and not in high school anymore. Nothing else really happened coz I woke up but for a few minutes when I was still half asleep I was looking forward to going to school so I could talk to Ferny. But I woke up properly and found out that it had actually only been a dream.

It’s not fair. Why does my mind keep making me dream things which are so realistic but untrue? That’s what’s so disappointing, I can remember them like they have actually happened and they are things which I would quite like to be true but they’re not. That’s twice in a row now.

I’ve got to be back at school tomorrow. I don’t want to go. Before Xmas I used to actually quite look forward to going to school coz I could see my friends and stuff but now, well, I’m just dreading it. No doubt they’ve all had a big get-together without me or Hayley and Emma will have probably been out every night with Davis, Ed, Ewan etc. and we’ll get to hear about it all. I’m sure they’ll make sure of that.

I don’t seem to ever have had much luck with friends. I must have a big fault in my personality or summit coz every time something like this has happened, I can never think of anything obvious that I’ve done.

Megan Quinn – I was best mates with Megan from nursery school up until about 3rd year of juniors. Then we sort of drifted apart. In the last year of primary school we had to choose 2 other people who we’d go in a form with at high school. There were quite a few of us in my group of friends but I was the one who got left on my own so I ended up getting stuck with Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent.

Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent – That was fine up until about half way through Year 7 when those two suddenly turned on me and bullied me for about 2 years. Lindsey was the obvious leader coz Karen was usually okay on her own but Lindsey wasn’t.

[Lindsey (left) and Karen’s (right) cowbaggery prompted me to draw this delightful picture of them.]

Leona Wright – While that was going on with Lindsey and Karen, I got to be best mates with Leona until she went off with another group of girls and left me with Cat Elliot, Lizzie Bond etc.

It was all fine up until after Xmas. I was best mates with Emma, I had 2 friendship groups after we’d been skiing and I was also mates with lads. But then for some big unknown reason all this happened. I’m going completely left out, my so-called best mate dumped me for them and I have no social life.

What I don’t understand is what the hell I’m meant to have done to deserve this. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s bound to get better but there’s no way of knowing. It could get worse. I just hope it bloody doesn’t.

The annoying thing is that during that time between skiing and Xmas, I just didn’t realise how good I had it.


Why can’t they just grow up? – 10th & 11th February 1999

Wednesday 10th We had the Year 11 photo done this morning. I think most people I know or want to remember where on it.

We also think that, later on in the year, they do ones with groups of friends or summit and Hayley said she heard Lindsey Bullman say, “Well, Hayley’s not being on it and Tessa’s definitely not.” Bitch! It’s so bloody annoying! I won’t go into that again or I’ll be writing for ages.

Nutter was stood grinning at me when I came out of Maths and, as usual, I pretended I hadn’t seen him but then Lizzie said, “Look Tess, it’s Paul” so that was embarrassing. Although, I forgot that when I got outside coz I walked past Ewan and he smiled at me for no reason. Daft I know! Nutter was also asking Hayley if he should send me a Valentine’s card. She told him not to coz I’d get embarrassed or summit.

That’s another thing that’s bothering me about not being particularly good friends with Emma anymore – the fact that she’s getting more friendly with people like Ewan. I’m worried she’ll say summit horrible about me to him. There’s so much that could go wrong with this situation.


Thursday 11th Rachael’s still dragging Freda into her pathetic little thing against me and Hayley. She apparently marched up to Freda at lunch and asked her if I’d been getting her to spy on them. Why can’t they just grow up?

Freda pushed me into Ewan at last break. It was so embarrassing. We’d just smiled at each other and Freda shoved me. I just managed to gain my balance before I fell into him. I daren’t look back as he was walking off. It’s a good job I didn’t actually touch him, I dunno what I’d have said!

As for the friendship photos, they’re actually coming up pretty soon. All the bitchy lot keep saying (loudly) things like, “So Rachael, have you got all seven names down?” If Hayley and I had been included, there’d be 9, you see.

Freda and Cat Elliot etc. asked if Hayley and I wanted to go on their photo so we are doing. So’s Emma actually but only coz that makes up the full group. At least they think about everyone and don’t leave people out unlike some people I can think of. […and that’s why I’m still friends with most of that lovely lot.]


They’re not actually doing anything obviously wrong – 8th February 1999

Monday 8th My “friends” were still being weird today. It’s making me really paranoid. Every time I hear someone whispering, I automatically assume it’s about me.

The latest thing is that Hayley and I are being left out of are whatever Lindsey Bullman’s doing for her birthday and their little holiday that they’re planning. It’s Lindsey’s birthday on the Tuesday in the holidays and they were talking about it in my earshot only I don’t think they realised I was listening. I know they’re planning to do summit on Tues but I dunno what. Rachael can’t go though coz she’s going to the Lakes for a week with her family.

Their holiday that they are also planning is to Ibiza in the year 2000 summer hols. Yes, yes, I know it’s ages away and things will probably have changed a bit by then but they’re all telling each other to bring in brochures and stuff. Emma did say to Rachael that she wouldn’t be able to afford it but she still got asked.

I can’t believe how horrible Emma’s being to me. I’ve been her best mate for years and now it’s like she wants nothing to do with me. I thought she’d at least feel guilty but she’s showing no signs of it. None of them are. I would, I’m sure of it.

You’re probably wondering why the hell I’m bothering with them anymore. So am I but then I keep remembering that I’m stuck with them in most lessons and it’d just make matter worse if I didn’t at least make an effort to be civil, even if they don’t want me around.

The other really irritating thing about it all is that, other than leaving us out, they’re not actually doing anything obviously wrong to someone outside the group. They talk to us, yes, but it’s not how it was. [That was awful. If I’d said something to someone, it would have looked like I was just paranoid and they knew that, the sneaky little cows.]

Emma was telling me this morning (she was actually taking to me like she used to – sometimes she does on her own) that Davis phoned and he and Ewan were going to come down at the weekend. A while ago she’d have been on the phone to me like a shot making me go round but she never phones me anymore.

It turned out that they didn’t come down and Emma (who was with Suzanna) wasn’t allowed out coz her mum found a box of matches in her pocket and thinks she now smokes and does drugs. Johnny Doherty actually gave ’em to her coz she likes playing about with them but her parents didn’t believe her. Not surprising really!

Oh well, Freda has invited me to her sleepover for her birthday and has also offered me a spare ticket to the All Saints concert in June. I think I’ll go to it. [Yay for Freda!]