Bladdered on “real” diesel – 12th & 13th September 2001

Tuesday 12th I was at Cat’s for most of today cos I stopped over last night. We just played on SimCity on the computer.

You can’t escape what happened in New York today. It’s everywhere. The whole thing’s so terrible. There must’ve been so many people killed. 😦


Wednesday 13th We did The Run [pub crawl] tonight for a change cos a lot of people are going to uni on Saturday morning and so can’t go out tomorrow.

Cat was really pissing me off. I was totally sober (trying to save money) and she was really bladdered on “real” diesel (lager, cider, blackcurrant and whisky – which we wouldn’t normally add). She kept going into the toilets to talk to Sarah about the internet male dominatrix she’s been in contact with and leaving me out.

When I was speaking to Sarah, she was telling me about stuff her and Michael do. He’s tied her up and they’ve had sex in all sorts of places, lots of times. It’s made me realise how boring Jake actually was!

Denny had a message off Jake tonight actually, saying he couldn’t do The Run cos he was on a hill somewhere in Wales. He’s doing his Queen’s Scout Award thing.

I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m either weird or in some sort of state where it’s not sunk in yet but I never really go on about Jake or anything. I am just finding myself getting on with it. All my mates have had long whinges about Mr L and Maz for example but I realised I haven’t actually done that yet. I suppose that’s a good thing though. Mum keeps saying she’s proud of me and, I have to say, I’m actually quite proud of myself so far!

I still can’t bear the thought of him with another girl though. I hope that’ll pass. The thing is, I don’t really know how I’ll feel about things cos none of my friends have really been through this so they can’t tell me. 😦


He’s hardly a mosher – 2nd September 2001

Sunday 2nd Abby, Connor, Jake and I all went to One Big Sunday for Radio 1 at Victoria Park in Leicester today. We were all knackered cos it took us ages to get there and then couldn’t find any parking after getting up really early.

It was good apart from me getting upset over Jake and Wednesday, and Jake being in a foul mood for most of the day. I brought it up cos I could feel the tension and I wanted to get it sorted but he ended up saying I was getting on his nerves for going on about it and he said it “wasn’t my scene”. That made me laugh cos he’s hardly a mosher and was obviously just going to try and fit in with Niall and Emma etc. who he obviously worships.

He tried to cheer me up a bit later by prodding me and touching my nose. I did cheer up but only cos I wasn’t going to let him ruin my day. He pissed me off actually most of the time and made me cringe when he suddenly came all alive and sang when Coldplay came on, thinking he was cool knowing the words and stuff!

Connor nearly got himself battered at one point. Some girl sat on the shoulders of a bloke in front and he was complaining that he couldn’t see. Then this huge bloke next to us told Connor to chill out and, stupidly, Connor turned round and called him a knobhead. Luckily he didn’t react!

The people there today were pretty good actually. There was:

[Here are their songs from around that time for your listening pleasure/displeasure…]

I also found out what DJ Chris Moyles looked like.

On the way back, we got very lost and couldn’t find out way out of bloody Leicester. Jake had a missed call off Charlie, a girl from Canada, cos she was back from New Zealand and he was constantly texting people.

Jake gave me a hug and pressed my nose when he got out of the car.

I’m going to London on Tuesday! Yey!! I really wanted to go but had no money but Grandma gave me £50 for passing my exams. Cat’s going for her Club Europe interview and Gethin dropped out so I’m taking his place. 🙂


Liar!! – 30th August 2001

Thursday 30th I sent Jake a message this morning. My aim was to act nice at first and find out as much as possible about last night and then get mad with him. It worked too!

In my 1st message I asked if he was still up for Leicester and then included a bit saying my sis and Connor saw him last night. He replied saying he went to see the band etc. so I sent him a 2nd message asking if they were good and who went. He said it was good and that Gethin, Niall, Dougie, Isaac and Emma went. I knew Emma would be there! Apparently it was Dougie who asked him though.

I then got angry with him and decided not to let him get away with it so I sent another saying, “NICE TO KNOW YOU THOUGHT OF ME. SO MUCH FOR BEING YOUR “BEST FRIEND”! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I FORGOT ABOUT YOU? THANX”.

He replied saying not to blame him and there was no room in the car. So, I pointed out that I saved a seat for him when there was only one car going to Ainsdale (but that was a lie!) and that I still invited him when Rocky’s car was full on Tuesday night.

His reply was that it wasn’t up to him to invite people so I told him it wasn’t up to me to invite people to Ainsdale or town. He also said he only found out at 6pm (but that was a lie cos Dougie mentioned it on Tuesday) so I said if he could make it when he only just found out, I could’ve too!

I also pointed out that when I sent him a message last night asking what he was up to, he sent a reply at 6:45pm saying he was watching Hollyoaks! Liar!!

He didn’t reply to that message so I’m assuming I’ve won that argument! 🙂


I could snog him in front of them – 29th August 2001

Wednesday 29th I rang Jake today to tell him the arrangements for One Big Sunday in Leicester and he was really off with me. I asked what was wrong and he said it was because I was nasty to him last night and he saw my face fall when he arrived. Karen, Isaac and Rocky apparently agreed with him. Thanks a lot!

I feel really guilty about it now but I was looking forward to a night out with just my mates, without having him there to upset me by reminding me what it used to be like. It’s almost like torture when he’s there and I can’t kiss him and stuff. I also didn’t like seeing loads of girls looking him up and down constantly in Edison’s. When I was with him I could snog him in front of them and feel really smug but not anymore. There’s nothing I can do.

On the phone, Jake also said that I looked really nice with my hair up and pointed out that I never did that for him. I couldn’t help thinking that if I’d worn my hair up before then he wouldn’t have wanted to split up but I’m not going to think like that cos there are a lot more “ifs” that the same could be said about.

He said everyone noticed him looking down cos of me. I felt more guilty at first but when I thought about it, he’s the one that wanted to break up more than me so I’ve got no reason to feel like that really.

I’ve been really upset this evening. Abby and Connor saw Jake on their way to kickboxing. He was sat on a wall in the next village waiting for a lift to Warrington to see Freda’s band play at Çasi. I’m so pissed off! I’ve been inviting him everywhere with me to prevent him feeling left out. I didn’t want to get too upset about it cos Mum said how proud she was of the way I’ve handled the situation and just got on with things. I couldn’t help it though. I kept getting images of him snogging random girls and I bet any money Emma’s there!

I think it’s just cos it’s the first time he’s been out without me properly that it’s upset me and I probably won’t be as bothered from now on. It’ll be the same with his girlfriends, I suppose.


I’ve sworn Lizzie to secrecy – 27th & 28th August 2001

Monday 27th Rhian split up with Marc today. I think she dumped him actually.


Tuesday 28th 3 car loads of people ended up going to Ainsdale beach this morning. In Karen’s car there was me, Karen, Lizzie, Cat and Sam the dog. In Henry Rockwell’s car there was Rocky, Isaac and Denny. Then in Robbie’s car there was Robbie, Jake and Rory.

We all met at Karen’s at 9am and everyone else followed her car cos she was the only one who knew where she was going. Robbie decided to overtake a few times and then ended up missing turnings and things so it took a while to get there cos we had to keep waiting for him to catch up again.

It was really nice and sunny when we got there and we found a nice sand dune to set our stuff behind.

Nobody did much except chill all day and it was really good. Well, apart from Jake being a bit of a bitch at one point. He decided to weave marram grass so I went over and sat with him while everyone else was burying Karen, Robbie, Rory and Lizzie.

I asked what he was going to do with his weavy things and he snapped, “I don’t know!” at me. I asked him why he said it like that and he said to stop asking stupid questions about weaving and stuff. I was pissed off to start with (and still am a bit cos there was no need for it) but forgave him in the end and he gave me a hug.

Cat and I took Sam down to the sea at one point and then immediately wished we hadn’t. It was gross! As the waves went out they were leaving all sorts of manky things behind. I didn’t paddle for too long!

The barbecue was a bit crap. To start with we couldn’t get it lit and then nothing cooked except the burgers which we didn’t have enough buns for!

On the way back, Karen very nearly killed us all in her car. We got to a junction but Karen didn’t notice and drove straight across to the road at the other side. Luckily there was nothing coming so we all laughed but it’s put me off getting in a car with her again!

Most people annoyed me today actually.

  • Karen spent most of the time bossing us all about while strutting about in her half top and hotpants.
  • Jake was being all moody.
  • Isaac kept making sarcastic comments and moaning when we decided to move away from the path where people could see the bbq.
  • Rory was just being really loud and generally annoying.
  • Lizzie decided to go into vivid detail about what she got up to with blokes in Cyprus….. very loudly.
  • Robbie was being nasty about people constantly.
  • Rocky was being boring and wouldn’t even take his shoes and socks off.

The only ones that didn’t irritate me were Cat, Denny and the dog!

This evening, Lizzie, Karen, Rocky, Isaac, Jake and I all went into Warrington. I didn’t particularly want Jake to go cos I wanted a good night with my mates without him being there to upset me but I invited him anyway cos I didn’t want him feeling left out. So, when Jake did arrive my face must’ve fallen very obviously because he noticed.

We all stayed in Edison’s for a bit and then Dougie, Ewan and Emma turned up. I wasn’t all that pleased to see Emma cos I couldn’t stand watching Jake follow her round as usual. Then we all moved on to Brannigan’s.

On the way I had a chat with Jake and asked him if he’d snogged anyone else yet. He said he doesn’t see why he should snog someone first. I kind of wanted him to say he had in a way cos, even though I’d have been upset, it would’ve got it out of the way before we go to uni. I would also feel less guilty if I went with [snogged] someone else. Not that I should have to feel guilty though.

It was boring in Brannigan’s so Lizzie and I went back to Edison’s due to more people being there and cheaper drinks. The 2 lads who’d been looking at our group of friends all night were still there. The slightly more minging one came over in the end and asked us to sit with them. I wasn’t sure but I didn’t have much choice cos Lizzie had already gone and sat down!

They seemed ok, I just haven’t been chatted up/flirted with for ages so it was weird and I wasn’t sure I wanted it. I went over anyway and it was fine. They’d obviously decided which of us they were going to target and I got the better looking one. Lizzie’s was 18 and a lifeguard called Mike. He looked a bit dopey but did most of the talking.

The one I got stuck with seemed a bit shy. He was called Matt and said he’s a chef in London and works 2 weeks then comes home for 2 weeks all the time. He’s from Newton I think he said. Matt was the one who Emma had earlier said looked a bit like Jamie off Eastenders (Jack Ryder – mmm!) and it was quite true. When I told him, he asked me if that was a good thing but I didn’t know what to say so I told him Jamie’s quite nice but he doesn’t look that much like him! I don’t think he took offence or anything.

A while later, the lads started whispering to each other and then Mike spoke to Lizzie and she leaned over and said Matt wanted to know if I was interested in him. I kind of shrugged cos I felt like it was a bit too soon after Jake to go snogging someone else but then I thought, why shouldn’t I?!

Nothing happened until we got outside though. Lizzie and I had to leave to meet the others so Lizzie and Mike just snogged and got each other’s phone numbers. Matt then turned round to me and said, “This is awkward”. I agreed and he said, “Shall we do something about it?” (cringe!) so I shrugged again and he moved in and kissed me.

It was really weird cos I’m so used to Jake and it being good cos we were used to each other. It was a bit crap but I was quite pleased that I’d done it! He squeezed my arse during it (I had a long coat on so it wasn’t obvious!) and then held my hand and squeezed my hand before I walked off to meet the others.

I’ve sworn Lizzie to secrecy and only Sarah and Cat know too. I don’t want it getting back to Jake cos I don’t want it to encourage him to go with some other girl or cause an argument or anything.


All manky and sweaty – 25th August 2001

Saturday 25th I saw Jake for an hour today and that was it cos he was going to see his friend. He was all manky and sweaty cos he’d ridden his bike here. Yuck!

While he was here, he told me he’s probably going to Toronto for a year of work at uni. I’m kind of glad I’m not still with him if he’s going to fuck off to Canada again! He kissed (a peck) and hugged me before leaving.

I went to Gay Fest in Manchester tonight with Gethin, Nell, Denny, Cat, Isaac, Rory and Robbie. It was quite good. Someone asked Gethin if he had any speed (must’ve been the way he was dancing!) and offered Robbie ecstasy! They declined with thanks!

We ended up splitting up cos some of us wanted to go to McDonald’s. When we met up again, Robbie had really enjoyed himself with Gethin, Nell and Rory (the gay ones) which was quite funny cos I wouldn’t have thought a gay night was this thing.

Nell was being a bitch towards Gethin cos he’d snogged Rory but no-one understood why she was being like that!


He thinks I’m moping about at home – 21st & 22nd August 2001

Tuesday 21st I went with Mum to the Madeline Lindley bookshop somewhere near Grandma’s and then went to see Grandma afterwards. While I was there I got a text message from Jake saying, “HI! I FEEL AWFUL AFTER WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT! I THOUGHT WE AGREED ABOUT IT! IT’S ALL MY FAULT + I’M REALLY SORRY! : ( I DON’T WANT IT TO BE LIKE LAST NIGHT. I JUST FELT REALLY OUT OF PLACE! : ( xJx”.

Oh, so he wasn’t that bothered that I was upset, he’s just more concerned about being left out. At least he apologised and seems to have some sort of conscience! He also wished me luck for my driving theory test (which I’m going to fail tomorrow) and said night night.


Wednesday 22nd I had to go to Manchester today to do my theory test. It was booked for 12 noon but when I went in, I didn’t have some piece of paper that goes with the provisional licence. They wouldn’t let me sit my test without it so I went to find Mum and we rang the DVLA. They faxed the paper through to the theory test place so then I just had to wait for a cancellation or something.

I eventually got to do it and ended up getting 33 out of 35 which is a pass. 🙂 I had to get 30 to pass and there were 6 questions I didn’t know the answers to! I must’ve guessed most of them right though! 🙂

Mum then took me round Manchester to get things like walking boots for my uni course. We had a look in Blacks and the lad who served us said he knew a couple of people who were doing environmental courses at Huddersfield.

Jake texted me today and offered to come round tomorrow if I was bored. That kind of annoyed me in a way cos it sounded like he thinks I’m moping about at home doing nothing because I’ve not got him to keep me company.


Confusing and a bit cruel – 20th August 2001

Monday 20th During today I went with Mum to take the new but broken hob back to the shop in Bolton, sorted out uni stuff and then took Mollie for a walk to Pennington Flash.

This evening Isaac had a party so I went round there. Jake spent most of the night moving round the house to wherever Emma was and ignoring me. Well, that was until the end when we had a bit of a fall out and Gethin shut us in the bathroom so we could make up.

He said he still loves me and really wants to stay best of friends and stuff. He hugged me a lot and also, on more than one occasion, pecked a kiss on my lips which included a bit of tongue. That was nice but confusing and a bit cruel. He also squeezed my bum when he came up to me at one point.

When we’d calmed down he told me that we might get back together and he doesn’t want to stay split up forever but is confused. I don’t believe him. I think he was just saying it to try and cheer me up a bit and therefore stop his guilt because I told him splitting up isn’t what I wanted.

Gethin was being really nice to me all night. He’d been chatting to both me and Jake but said that he’d been friends with me longer so he’ll always be there for me. He hugged me when I was upset at Jake going to the chippy with 2 people plus Emma and just generally made me feel better. He also said how much he used to fancy me again but then not long after that he said he really does think he’s gay. Hmm.

Sarah also cheered me up a bit by saying how Nip fancied me at Denny’s party. He’s 27 though so that’s much too old for me and he’s kind of with Lizzie and he’s not that nice. Sarah had to warn him off me because of Jake. Not that I’d have done owt anyway!

I found out that Sam’s surname is McParland and he’s been to a Caithness Glass factory.

Hah! I’ve just remembered Jake said he felt really guilty now and is worried I hate him.


I am not going to waste my time being upset over a lad – 19th August 2001

Sunday 19th I told Mum this morning about me and Jake and she hugged me and said it’d be okay. I needed to hear that!

Jake and I both helped Dad do some levels in some field today which was tiring. I was fine when I was with Jake and we held hands in the car but this evening (when he’d gone) I was really upset. Jake had said this might not be for good but he didn’t sound too convincing. He started saying he just doesn’t feel the same etc. again.

Mum was really nice to me again tonight. She said I will get over it and she knows cos it’s happened to her on more than one occasion. She said she’s cross with him for upsetting me so much and cos my family’s been really nice to him while his haven’t been quite so nice to me.

This really is not what I wanted at all but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m actually annoyed with him now, even though that’s not really fair. Grrr!!

I am not going to waste my time being upset over a lad. After all I’ve said to my friends in the past, I can’t be hypocritical. Mind you, I have been with him for a long time so maybe I’ll let myself be a little bit upset… but not constantly. I refuse to be pathetic and whinge non-stop and bug all my friends!


I’m in a state of shock! – 18th August 2001

Saturday 18th Jake and I have split up. I can’t quite believe it actually. I think it’s going to take a while to sink in.

It happened this morning over the phone. We had a very long and upsetting talk about it and both cried. He said he doesn’t want to get to uni and then split up cos we won’t have our friends for support. Also, he said he loves me in a different way and it’s not the same as when we first got together. I kind of agree with that cos we don’t get as excited about seeing each other as we used to but then it’s still nice. Surely it’s normal to feel like that once you’ve been with someone for a long time though.

He said he used to really miss me when we were apart but when I was in Scotland and Germany, he didn’t really bother as much. He also said Barcelona wasn’t as good as he expected cos we fell out on the first night. He said I wasn’t very “adventurous” cos I wanted to get back to the hotel. I actually just didn’t want to get mugged/murdered after hearing it wasn’t that safe at night.

It was a mutual decision I suppose but he definitely wanted it more than I did and said it wouldn’t be fair on either of us to drag it out. I agreed with the reasoning, especially the uni bit because it does make some sense but it isn’t really what I want.

I’m sort of relieved in a way that it’s over because otherwise I’d just be waiting for it to happen and I wouldn’t be as happy as I used to be when I felt secure with him. I suppose he can’t help going off me. I bet he goes after Emma now!

I’m glad we haven’t fallen out. We’ve agreed that we’re best friends so we can’t just stop seeing each other. He said we can still have hugs. That’s good because I’m going to need hugs!

He said “I love you” before he hung up which was nice to hear. He said he does still love me but it’s a different kind of love, whatever that means. I think I know what he’s on about cos I think I feel the same in a way. I’m not sure though. I’m confused. I don’t know how I’m feeling or what to think. I’m not really too upset but then it’s not really registered yet. I’m in a state of shock!

As long as I still see him that’s okay. What I’m worried about is him getting another girlfriend. I can’t stand the thought of it! I suppose I can always remember the fact that I had him first! 🙂

I went round to his house this afternoon. We both got upset so we just hugged a lot. He still kept telling me he loves me too. We also did The Run [a pub crawl] tonight. I told Cat and she was really nice about it. Jake and I still held hands and hugged and pecked each other kisses on the lips and said we loved each other.

I really can’t believe all this has happened. I’ll probably never find anyone else like him. 😦