I’d better get in there quick! – 15th November 1998

Sunday 15th I’m bored again. I’ve got plenty of homework to do but I can’t bring myself to start any.

I phoned Emma before to see if anything interesting has been happening in her little life coz she went to town yesterday with Davis and Az Hart. I nearly went but changed my mind coz I knew it’d be Davis + Emma and Az + Suzanna. Good job I didn’t coz that’s how it was until Az started pratting about and Suzanna went off him.

Emma also said that Davis said he thought all her friends are sad and things like that. [Sad as in swots and losers.] He’s going to have to watch himself coz I’ll only go back to making his life a misery if he starts calling me. I hope he’s not said anything in front of Ewan.

Emma thinks Ewan thinks she fancies him coz she said that every time he’s looked up she’s been looking at him and then she goes red. She says it’s just coincidence that she just happens to be looking in his direction and she’s not actually staring at him but that’s what it must look like to him.

I hope he doesn’t start fancying her coz they get on well as far as I know. I s’pose she is going out with Davis Alexander Nolan Junior but if they don’t last long, who knows what could happen.

I’d better get in there quick!


He said “yes” when they asked if he liked me – 13th November 1998

Friday 13th I went to the Italian tonight with all my mates for my birthday. There was this fit lad doing the washing up in the kitchen who works at the garden centre called Jamie so Emma knows him. I think she got him in the background of a photo.

Davis was really horrible to me this morning and was slagging me off at lunch. I can’t really complain coz I’ve done it to him in the past but recently I’ve been trying to make an effort. Then, in English, he asked Emma to stay at his house tonight and I just said I didn’t mind if she didn’t come with us. I think he thought I was being sarcastic or summit coz he started saying about me being self-centred or summit. Then Rach said he was calling me a bitch at lunch and when she asked why he told her it was just coz I was there. Charming!

Hayley and Lindsey were talking to Ewan at Parents’ Evening last night about me. I can’t remember how it started but he said “yes” when they asked if he liked me but he said he really wanted to speak to me. He asked why I always said, “Oh my God” when he came near me and they told him it was coz I was just shy. He said he was too and they said he should just talk to me but he said how could he when I always “run away”. I don’t. [I did.]

Anyway, I’ve decided I want to talk to him now coz Emma said he already likes me and he just wants to get talking and that it’s not very often that someone actually likes you back. That’s very true.

Emma also mentioned the garden centre Xmas part thing and said that when she was talking to Ewan about it he said he couldn’t be bothered going. She said, “Well, I’ll take Tess and you can take Davis” but he said, “No, I’ll take Tess and you can take Davis.” Fine by me! She thought he may have been joking though. He doesn’t know if he’ll go.

I saw him after school. I didn’t speak but I smiled coz we just passed each other. He was definitely looking and I think he was a bit shocked actually!


Certain things are now legal – 12th November 1998

Thursday 12th I’m 16 now. It’s no different though, other than certain things are now legal which weren’t yesterday. I got loads of pressies and loads of cards and I’ve had an okay day so far.

People were trying to make me go in the Music rooms at lunch coz Ewan was in there. I would have done too if they hadn’t have kept going on at me. Rach said that he was telling them to drag me in there but I wouldn’t let them. I wish I had now.

He did sign Emma’s card →

And when he walked past me after school we smiled at each other and he said, “Happy birthday Tess.” Roxanna told me he would.

Rach also said that she tuned into a conversation Ewan was having with Harry Preston. He said, “…and it’s her birthday today.” Then, “Do you think I should talk to her?” Yes, please do. I’m fed up of people telling me to talk to him. If he’s that desperate to speak to me, he can make the first move.

I really like him now though.


P.S. Emma announced this morning that she’s going out with Davis. I was right, yet again!

Is that all he ever says? – 8th & 9th November 1998

Sunday 8th It’s Freddie’s birthday today. I think he got a moped or summit. Emma, Suzanna and I were going to phone him from town today but we got an answer machine.

We went to town coz, when I was at Emma’s last night, Connor and Navid phoned and asked us to go down so we did. Connor still fancies Emma and Navid has given up on Suzanna and he was looking for a new victim so they turned up at Suzanna’s too.

They’re both pretty mingin’ in my opinion. Connor’s tall with greasy black hair and a goofy face. Navid’s short with wavy brown hair and looks like a teddy or summit. They’ve both got pierced ears. Yuk! That really puts me off. I’m not sure what they think of me.

Abby just told me that Roxanna was at Ewan’s house yesterday. She said that Roxanna’s going out with or seeing Harry Preston and Sadie’s going out with Robert Osborne so they went to Rick Swann’s party. She said Ewan was there too.

I bet Ewan’s going out with or at least went with [snogged] someone too. I hope not. Mind you, I can’t see it going much further than it is now with me and Ewan [i.e. absolutely nowhere] seeing as neither of us will talk to each other. They only thing is that I’ve got Adrian asking questions in my Art lesson and Ewan’s got Emma asking questions and stuff in his. I wonder if anything will happen this week coz summit was done or said every day last week, I think.

Emma found out that I E-mailed [Yes, this had a capital ‘E’.] Carl last week and she thinks I embarrassed her so she’s threatening to say summit to Ewan to get me back. I’d rather she didn’t embarrass me but maybe it’s a good thing if she does keep saying little things then he doesn’t forget I like him.

I get the feeling that Emma doesn’t tell me everything he or she says. She doesn’t like to know bad things that are said about her so she doesn’t always tell me things coz she thinks that I don’t like to know things either. I think I said that before. Yeah, I did on Friday.


Monday 9th The Ewan thing’s started up already this week. This time, Roxanna got involved. She saw me on the stairs this morning and asked me if I fancied Ewan. I was a bit less panic-stricken than I was with Adrian and I said he was alright and asked who’d told her. It was Abby.

Roxanna also spoke to Ewan at some other point today coz she told me on the phone that she asked him if he liked me and he said yes but that he wants me to talk to him so he can get to know me better. Is that all he ever says?

Emma was also speaking to him in Art with Harry Preston who asked why I wouldn’t talk to him and was it because I was shy but Cat made some sniggering noise behind them which suggested that I wasn’t. Emma said, “Well, what d’you expect her to do? Just go up and start taking to him?” They said yes. Yeah right, like I’d do that!

There was summit else they said to her after school but I can’t remember what so it’s probably been said before.

Roxanna also says I have to go to Ewan’s village with her when she next goes then we can go to Ewan’s house. Hmm… and that wouldn’t be awkward?! She also said that she’ll tell Harry to bring Ewan with him next time he comes to our village so they can call for me here. They’d better not!


I think he meant the sort of fancying-type want – 6th November 1998

Friday 6th Emma didn’t go to school today coz she said she’s ill. Davis says it’s probably a hangover.

At lunch I was in C Block with Rach talking to Dougie about possibly going to the cinema and Ewan came round the corner. He didn’t say anything to me. Then I was stood by a radiator talking to Rach and he went into a practice room with his guitar.

Then Adrian Ford came and was stood in the doorway talking to Ewan. Then he turned round to me and started pointing to the room whispering, “Tess, Ewan’s in there, go and talk to him.” When I asked why (like I didn’t know!) he said, “Coz he wants you!” Then he walked off.

By saying “wants” I think he meant the sort of fancying-type want. Not that I think he fancies me but that’s the way Adrian made it sound.

Rick [Ewan’s brother] also said hello to me after school and had a sort of knowing smile on his face.

Ewan had come into our form room today to give someone a message from Mrs O. He was stood in the doorway grinning and I think it was coz he was looking at me smiling away to myself. I couldn’t quite tell where he was looking though coz his eyes go like this when he smiles:

But his head was turned in my direction.

I spoke to Emma over the phone before and she said nowt happened with her and a lad last night. She said the Andrew Bailey thing was true and also said that Davis said that if I tried I could look really nice coz I’ve got a good figure and a nice face.

I’m not quite sure how to take it but he also said I was alright (personality-wise) at the moment too. Emma said she thought of it as a compliment or she wouldn’t have told me. That worries me coz she could know summit bad that someone’s said about me and I won’t know and could make a fool of myself coz she won’t tell me.


Confidence boosting for me but agonising for them – 5th November 1998

Thursday 5th It’s Bonfire Night and a week until my 16th birthday which I’m dreading coz Hayley’s going to embarrass me and no doubt Emma will too.

I just thought I’d actually got through a day this week without any Ewan embarrassments today. That is until last break. Rach was on prefect duty in C Block with Harry Preston and I’d told her I’d go and stand with her. But I didn’t realise until I got in there that Ewan was with Harry P, did I?!

I couldn’t exactly run out again so I talked to Rach and Emma. Then Emma decided to call over Ewan and start talking to him about the Xmas party. I thought that she was going to tell him he had to come coz I was going but she didn’t. He was stood there grinning and so was I.

I made eye contact with him at registration for ages. He was sat in his form room eating and I was coming up the stairs. I looked and he looked for ages it seemed until I was in my form room (next to his).

Ferny’s starting at the 6th Form college probably. I thought he’d be joining the RAF straight away so I was prepared to force myself not to like him towards the end of the year coz I thought I’d never see him again. Now there’s no need. Maybe he’ll actually start to like girls by then too. I wonder what Ewan’s doing. I’ll have to find that one out.

I was on the phone to Emma before. She’s got Davis, Charlie Wilson and Jake Taylor all at her house for some neighbour’s bonfire and, as soon as she realised it was me, she said they’d all just been talking about me.

She said that they were talking about Austria and that Jake said that his mate Andrew Bailey (a saddo who was in my ski group) fancied me on that holiday and that he was dead disappointed when he didn’t get to go with [snog] me at the disco. Well, if it’s true, I never realised. If someone had said something I could have had some fun and led him on but not actually done anything. Sort of like a Ralph type thing where it’s confidence boosting for me but agonising for them. Mean, I know! [Very mean but, however much I tried to deny it, I know I lurved Ralph because it’s all written down and I failed to destroy the evidence.]


I ended up lying through my teeth – 3rd & 4th November 1998

Tuesday 3rd I got questioned by Adrian Ford in Art today. He’s one of Ewan’s mates and was bound to say summit sooner or later coz he’s got a big gob on him. He was just sat there grinning at me and when I caught him he said, “Hello Tess. You alright?” I just nodded, gave him a funny look and carried on working.

A few minutes later, he came over and said, “What do you like being called? Tessa, Tez, Tess, Tezza? What?” I told him I didn’t really care so he asked what Emma usually called me. I dunno where that was leading. Then he asked what I was expecting him to ask. He said, “Do you like” then he mouthed “Ewan”.

At least he didn’t yell it but I still wouldn’t have admitted it to Adrian. I panicked again really and took the easy way out and said, “No, I don’t” then started asking who told him that. He wouldn’t say. He started saying the Ewan was a top bloke and stuff before asking me who it was that I did fancy. Ed then chipped in and told him I fancied Ferny and Adrian said, “Tallboy! Ah, you don’t?!”

Taking the hint that it was likely that he’d take the piss if I admitted to that, I denied it and told Ed (loudly so Adrian could hear) that it was Hayley who liked Ferny, not me. Then, to my relief, I managed to turn the conversation round onto Emma and Davis and Neil Kennedy.

I’d planned beforehand what I would say if the Adrian situation came up with anyone. But when I was finally asked if I fancied Ewan, instead of giving a fairly neutral answer of “he’s alright” like I wanted to, I ended up lying through my teeth.

Adrian’s probably told Ewan all that now so he’s either going to think I really don’t like him or that I’m shy or summit. Maybe if it hadn’t have been Adrian that asked and nobody else had’ve been listening then I might have said what I meant to say instead of complete bollocks just coz I was feeling intimidated.

Emma also decided to let Ewan’s brother Rick know who I like. He seemed to find it quite interesting. I did a similar thing there too. When Emma went, I said to Rach loudly so Rick could hear, “I wish Emma’d stop saying that. It’s not even true.” But then she came back and pissed it all up so he knew I was lying, I think.

I’ve got bloody Geography tomorrow again too. ARGH! [Ewan was in the same class.] This isn’t good. Some people think I like him, others think I don’t. I’m going to have to make up my mind which to tell people from now on. I want to say “he’s alright” but my mind tends to go blank in pressurising situations.


Wednesday 4th There’s not really much to write tonight. Rick Swann gave Emma a message to give to me though. He said that Ewan wanted me to talk to him so he could get to know me better.

Emma’s also found out that Ewan’s not coming with the Swing Band to Belgium coz he’s going to Barcelona and he may not be at the garden centre Xmas party.

I also had to nearly site with him in assembly this morning coz he and Adrian sort of pushed in the line just behind me and my mates. I managed to get further forward though somehow.