I really wanted to dance – 12th & 13th October 2000

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[This is diary number 20, held together with gaffer tape because I’d stuck so much crap in it.]

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Thursday 12th My boyfriend, Jake and I have been going out exactly 8 months today! That’s actually quite scary because whenever I heard of other people being together that long, I thought it seemed like ages and that I’d never do it! I’m glad I have though – it’s nice!

I’ve not had time to write in my diary as much as usual because I’ve had so much coursework for my A Levels. Not all that much has happened though recently. I went into Warrington on Friday night with my mates and made the mistake of persuading Jake to come with me. He just sat down all night in Mr Smith’s when I wanted to dance with my mates but I didn’t want to leave him. I ended up in tears because I didn’t see my mates all night so I felt left out and I really wanted to dance. Jake ended up feeling really guilty then. I suppose at least I know not to take him clubbing in future!

I had a slightly better night on Saturday. I got a Chinese takeaway with Jake and then we came back here to my house. Everyone was in bed and it was dark so we went and watched TV in the front room. We ended up kissing and cuddling and then 3.

That is about all that’s happened because I’ve been stuck at home doing my bloody coursework!

Bye!

Friday 13th Tonight, Sarah, Hayley, Jake and I went for a drive in Jake’s car because we had nothing else to do. It was fun actually! We went to Knutsford, Over Peover (which we found amusing!), Jodrell Bank and Wales. Then we got bored and came home via Chester. The furthest we got was Mold so Jake could put petrol in the car.

I got a bit pissed off with Jake cos he didn’t stop anywhere after he’d taken the other 2 home so I didn’t give him a kiss goodbye. He sped off pretty quickly so I got the impression he wasn’t very pleased with me for that.

I ended up feeling really guilty and sent a message to his phone apologising and explaining I wasn’t too happy about him just dropping me off at home like he’d done with the other 2. He replied, “OHH I’M SORRY! DIDN’T REALISE! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT JUST ONE OF MY MATES! YOU’RE A LOT MORE SPECIAL TO ME AND I LOVE YOU!”

Now I feel even worse cos that was so sweet!

Bye!

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CAN WE PUT FRI NIGHT BEHIND US? – 1st to 4th October 2000

Sunday 1st Just after I woke up this morning, Jake sent me a message saying, “HI! : ) ARE YOU AWAKE? I’VE JUST WOKEN UP! ARE YOU OK?… FEELING LESS TIRED? CAN WE PUT FRI NIGHT BEHIND US?… I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL AWFUL/GUILTY! IT’S MY FAULT ANYWAY! IF I’D NOT BEEN SO SLOW IN LETTING YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKED YOU WE’D PROBABLY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER LONGER THAN WE HAVE NOW!… THAT’S IF YOU WOULDN’T HAVE GOT BORED OF ME BY NOW! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I NEVER WANT THAT TO CHANGE! LOTS OF HUGS N CUDDLES! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

This evening, Jake and I went and sat down that lane again. At one point, the man with the dogs went past us again!

Jake was being a bit quiet so when I got in, I texted him to see if he was okay and he said, “NO I’M NOT SLEEPY TIRED… JUST FEELING LAZY! THINKING ABOUT LOTS OF STUFF – DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY AFTER THOSE MESSAGES LAST NIGHT – DIDN’T REALLY WANNA TALK ABOUT DERBY BUT I KNEW YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT IT! DON’T WANT YOU TO… JUST FORGET ABOUT IT! YEH IT WAS A WASTED OPPORTUNITY – BUT IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO COS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES THEN YOU WOULDN’T HAVE ENJOYED IT AND YOU’D HAVE REGRETTED IT COS OF SARAH AND MAZ! xJx”.

Bye!

Tuesday 3rd It’s Jake’s birthday today so I sent him a message just after midnight and he said, “AAAAHH THANKS! : ) LOVE YOU LOTS + LOTS + LOTS + LOTS + LOTS TOO! I’M GLAD YOU’RE THE 1ST PERSON TO WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MEANS THE MOST TO ME!”

He came into college this morning so people could give him cards and then he brought me home so I could give him his present. He really does like it actually and he’s called it Preston cos it reminds him of the dog off Wallace and Gromit!

We then went to McDonald’s at lunch and he stopped off on the way home too at his house. Their cleaner was there and she saw Preston and seemed to like it too! Later on, Jake texted me to tell me his brother though Preston was top and that his dad couldn’t stop laughing when he saw it!

This evening, Jake and I went to the cinema to see Me, Myself and Irene which was pretty good. We had a good time and stopped off down the lane on the way home but not for long cos I had to get home. He told me he’s had a really good birthday 🙂 I’m glad!

Bye!

Wednesday 4th During college, Jake and I texted each other and the Derby subject came up (again). This time he said, “YOU WOULDN’T REALLY HAVE WANTED TO SO YOU WOULD ONLY BE DOING IT FOR ME?!? IF I WASN’T GOING ANYWHERE IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT BUT I CAN’T GO TO CANADA WITHOUT DOING IT!” He could!

The he sent a slightly cringe message which said, “I FEEL AWFUL AS IT IS! I WANNA LEAVE KNOWING I’VE GIVEN YOU ALL THE LOVE I HAVE TO GIVE! IT MEANS A LOT TO ME AND I WANNA LOVE YOU FOREVER!” Hmm, if we hadn’t been going out for so long, I’d think he was sleazing his way into getting what he wanted but I know him and I think he’s being truthfully actually!

I went round to his for a bit after college but then I had to go kickboxing. It was the grading tonight and I am now a green belt! 🙂

Bye!

SEE YOU IN THE NEXT DIARY!!!
Tessa x 🙂

I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it – 27th to 30th September 2000

Wednesday 27th Kickboxing was good tonight! I spent all day dreading it and then our instructor was in a really cheerful mood for some reason. 🙂

Bye!

Thursday 28th I saw Jake briefly after college but I couldn’t enjoy myself cos I was worrying about working tonight cos I had so much college work. It didn’t matter in the end though cos Mum rang in sick for me! 🙂

Bye!

Friday 29th – Saturday 30th Our trip to Derby finally came around and I turned out to be a bit disappointing for most of us in the end.

It took us ages to get there cos Jake decided to take the scenic route which made Cat and I a bit travel sick. When we finally reached Derby, we drove round in circles, completely lost for 40 minutes, trying to find the Travel Inn but we got there (eventually!) after many arguments over which direction to go in and how many times we’d passed Carpet World!

The rooms at the Travel Inn were quite nice. Jake and I shared one (with a double bed) and Cat and Sarah had the other.

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The whole point of the trip was so Sarah could see Maz so she was really chuffed when he came to meet us at the Travel Inn. We decided to go to McDonald’s and then go out to a club called Zanzibar (which Jake and Cat didn’t really like the sound of!) but whoever ordered the taxi only got one big enough for 4 people so we just let Sarah and Maz go and Jake drove us to McDonald’s. We ended up getting lost again but eventually found one on a road to Nottingham!

After we’d eaten, we decided against going to Zanzibar so planned to go back and drink at the Inn. Then, Maz and Sarah turned up and locked themselves in Sarah and Cat’s room so Cat got left with me and Jake when she really wanted to go to bed. She felt like a right gooseberry (even though Jake and I weren’t doing anything at all) cos she was stuck with 2 couples. It wouldn’t have been a problem if Emma hadn’t have dropped out on Thursday.

After about an hour, the 3 of us were having a good laugh over a girly magazine but we decided it was a bit out of order that Cat couldn’t go to bed or get her stuff cos of Sarah, who could’ve gone back to Maz’s flat instead.

So, rather than bang on the door to let Cat in, I rang Sarah’s mobile. She didn’t answer for ages but then picked it up and yelled, “What?!!” at me so I politely asked her how long she would be and she said she didn’t know and switched her phone off. I then went and banged on the door and told her that her mum had turned up and was waiting in reception.

After a few minutes, she began to believe me and answered the door in a towel. She was a bit pissed off to find I’d lied but when I explained about Cat and how it wasn’t exactly fair, she said bye to Maz and he went.

Once he’d gone, she started apologising and stuff so we forgave her. She then told us she’d had sex with Maz which was why she couldn’t stop smiling! We then felt a bit guilty for interrupting!

Finally, Jake and I were left alone so we got into our pyjamas and got in bed. We just cuddled up for ages and then started kissing. That led to him sort of half lying on top of me. After a few minutes, he said, “Do you want to do this? Yeh?” I realised he was referring to us doing what Sarah and Maz had just done cos I could feel his heart rate speed up as he said it.

I’d half been expecting him to try something cos of some of the messages we’ve been exchanging recently. Up until then I had wanted to but in the back on my mind planned to stop things if I changed my mind.

The fact that he asked me filled me with panic cos I had to give him an answer and, once I’d given him an answer, it would have been harder to let him know if I’d changed my mind. So, I just didn’t say anything and carried on kissing him. He then said, “Do you want to?” and I paused for a while and then found myself sort of shrugging but shaking my head at the same time. He then said, “No? You don’t have to, you know” in a really understanding way so I assumed he was alright with that.

I must have dozed off at one point cos when I woke up, Jake was lying on the sofa bed. I asked him why he’d moved and he told me that he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake me up. I told him that I’d woken up a bit so he came back to bed but was being dead quiet and kept sighing.

I asked him if he was okay and I muttered something about the night being a bit of a waste of time (cos by that time I was regretting refusing cos I couldn’t see us getting another chance to be alone all night) and he asked me what was wrong and why I wouldn’t do it and if it was him that was the problem. I said it wasn’t him at all and that I really didn’t know why.

We slept for a bit but, before my alarm clock went off at 8:00am, 3 happened and after that he seemed to cheer up a bit and kept telling me he loves me and stuff! 🙂

The journey back home went pretty quickly, although Cat had to ring The Green Dragon cos she was going to be late and they told her they needed her in today cos they’d “already been let down by Tessa this morning”. Ooh, I hate them!! (My mum phoned to tell them I was still ill today!)

I went back to Jake’s for a while but we both fell asleep on the sofa.

When I got back to my house and he‘d gone home, I texted him apologising for last night cos I felt really guilty in the end. He replied saying, “DIDN’T THINK I’D GET A MSG THAT QUICK! ONE THING THAT I DON’T WANT IS PRESSURE ON EITHER OF US! YEH I WANT US TO TAKE IT FURTHER BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO RUIN WHAT WE’VE ALREADY GOT! I WAS SO NERVOUS ANYWAY! THOUGHT MAKING A TRIP TO BOOTS WAS BAD ENOUGH! I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY IN ANY WAY! J x”.

I was so glad to hear he was nervous! But the fact he had to go through the trauma of going into Boots made me feel even more guilty! At least I know he was prepared anyway cos I had been wondering whether he’d come equipt!

I sent him a reply telling him that part of the reason I said no was cos in the back of my mind I thought he might think I just did it cos Sarah had with Maz (that was part of it really). I also asked if he was feeling pressured by anything and he said, “AAH! I DIDN’T THINK THAT AT ALL! I DON’T FEEL PRESSURISED BUT I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH ALREADY… SO DON’T WORRY! : ) xxx JAKE xxx”.

I told him I wasn’t worrying, I was just more annoyed with myself and he said, “I’M SORRY – I MEANT DON’T FEEL AWFUL! YEH IT WAS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY BUT AS YOU SAID – IT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT! THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP US GOING ON ANOTHER OPEN DAY OR FIND A LOCAL TRAVEL INN! PLEEAASE DON’T FEEL AWFUL! LOVE YOU! xJx”.

I told him I didn’t really want to plan it (cos then I really would feel forced to do it) and asked if he was annoyed with me at all. He said, “THAT’S WHY I ASKED YOU! I’M NOT GONNA BE ANNOYED WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T WANT TO! YOU SAID IN A MESSAGE THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO B4! IF YOU STILL WEREN’T SURE THEN I WOULDN’T BE PLEASED! I DON’T WANT TO PLAN IT EITHER – THERE’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND YOU MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT! x”.

I asked him why he wouldn’t be pleased and pointed out that I didn’t really have a reason for saying no last night and he replied, “I DON’T MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT READY – I CAN ACCEPT THAT! I MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT SURE YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH ME! YOU HAD A REASON LAST NIGHT – I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SARAH AND MAZ! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID! : ) I’LL BE HONEST AND SAY I WAS EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESPONSE BUT WHEN YOU’RE ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT IT’S DIFFERENT… ISN’T IT? xJx”.

I then said something about him possibly getting sick of me but he said, “HAH – HINDSIGHT’S A GREAT THING! I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF YOU! WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER – YOU’RE SO GOOD FOR ME! I WOULDN’T REALLY HAVE WANTED TO DO IT BEFORE EITHER SO I HAVEN’T REALLY BEEN PATIENT! I LOVE YOU!!! : ) xJx”.

I can’t remember what was said after that but later, Jake said, “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! NOT BECAUSE WE ARE 2 YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A FRI DOWN A DARK LANE! : ) xJx”.

Ooh, I hate it when people call it “making love” or whatever! It makes me cringe cos I associate it with sleazy, American, perfect looking people! I don’t know why! [I can confirm that, 18 years later, it still made me thoroughly cringe and make vomit-y noises as I typed that.]

Bye!

HELP!!!!!!! – 26th September 2000

Tuesday 26th I can’t cope!! I’m getting so stressed about everything now! I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown! There are just so many things for me to worry about at the moment.

Firstly, there’s my Geography project which my teacher has decided he wants in 2 weeks. There’s no way I’m going to get it all finished for then. Now my Sports Studies teachers want us to start on our projects for them. This is on top of all the other homework I’m getting for all 3 subjects.

The other major thing is our UCAS application forms have got to be done before the October half term and I’m not even sure which courses I want to do or where I want to apply to. Plus I haven’t got a clue how to write my dreaded personal statement.

Linked with the whole uni thing is Jake. He got all depressed today cos he’s read some article in a uni magazine about some girl who had a boyfriend and ended up having to split up with him cos she was missing out on uni stuff. Also, he read some advice that said you’re better off splitting up before you go off to uni.

This made him worry that we aren’t going to last and now I’m going to feel awful if I don’t go to Huddersfield with him because of some messages he sent me.

He said, “NO!!! NEVER WANT TO SPLIT UP! THERE’S NO WAY THAT COULD MAKE THINGS BETTER! I JUST COULDN’T STAND TO WATCH US MOVE APART WITH US NOT SEEING MUCH OF EACH OTHER.”

And then he said, “IF YOU WENT TO HUDDERSFIELD I’D BE SOOO HAPPY! : ) AND I’D DEFINITELY GO! JUST DON’T WANT YOU TO CHOOSE THE WRONG COURSE BY GOING THERE! I COULD NEVER SPLIT UP WITH YOU! xJx”.

Then later, “YEH I AM GOING TO HUDDERSFIELD BUT IF YOU WENT SOMEWHERE ELSE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU AND I’D PROBABLY FAIL AND DROP OUT! I NEED YOU!!! xJx”.

I sarcastically replied saying something about “no pressure then” and he said, “I’M SORRY ABOUT THE PRESSURE! BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE IT SOOO MUCH IF YOU DID GO THERE! I WOULDN’T WORK IN ASDA IF I DROPPED OUT, ALTHOUGH IT’S BETTER THAN KWIK SAVE! : ) LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH! x”.

After that, I’m stressing even more cos I really want to get into Huddersfield now.

All that came out cos when I saw him today, he was hugging me loads more than usual so I asked him why and he told me about that article.

The other thing I’m bothered about is work. I still hate it! Every time I think about going, it fills me with dread! I’d quit but I associate that with people like Zoe and Roxy who are total drop-outs.

Then there’s kickboxing. I’ve got a grading next week and I’ve not been able to get there for the last 2 weeks. My instructor’s going to kill me!

HELP!!!!!!!

Bye!

It seemed to last forever! – 23rd to 25th September 2000

Saturday 23rd I worked today (boring!) but went and sat down the lane with Jake tonight and we saw a shooting star! It was sooo cool!! We were cuddling up and both happened to be looking out of the window at the same time and we saw it! 🙂

There were fireworks round town too!

We just talked until we fell asleep and then he took me home. He said he didn’t want to wake me up cos I looked really sweet!

Bye!

Sunday 24th I worked for 6 hours today and it seemed to last forever! I’m getting so sick of that job again! They’ve not even paid me for this month yet.

I saw Jake again tonight and we went and sat down that lane again! It was a bit boring so we ended up going home quite early.

Bye!

Monday 25th I saw Jake in my frees today and he took me, Sarah and Hayley to McDonald’s for lunch.

It’s his birthday on the 3rd October and I didn’t have a clue what to buy him but then Mum told me that some lad at her school brought one of those remote control dogs in and it looked a bit like Mollie. So seeing as Jake seems to quite like Mollie and keeps saying he wants one like her, Mum took me to Toys R Us tonight to get one. They’re like a cheap version of those Sony ones but it’s still good. I hope he likes it!

Bye!

WE ARE ONE WITH THE GODDESS – 21st & 22nd September 2000

Thursday 21st I saw Jake in my free periods today and we forgave each other for sulking! He did point out that the same minor argument’s likely to come up again before he goes to Canada and he’s probably right!

I had to work tonight but it wasn’t too bad cos I was finished by 9pm. Tired now though.

Bye!

Friday 22nd Hayley made us go to LA Bowl tonight so, to try and liven the evening up a bit, Sarah and I drank a lot of Hayley’s Taboo that she got for her birthday! It still managed to be boring though!

Jake told me that he does want me to go to Huddersfield too. Good! Now I just hope I don’t end up getting disappointed by not being able to go there.

Jake got caught by a speed camera on the way to McDonald’s so he spent the rest of the night worrying about that and what his dad will say if he finds out.

When he dropped Hayley and Sarah home, we went down our lane and sat in the car for a while. I did 3 to him but that was it cos I kept nearly falling asleep.

When I got home, I looked at my phone and I had a message from a number I didn’t know which was 07979 ****** and it said, “WE ARE ONE WITH THE GODDESS”. Weird! I texted Hayley to see if she knew the number and she said, “HOWDY DOOLE. U OK? THAT MSG YOU GOT IS A QUOTE FROM BIG BROTHERSADA USED TO SAY IT. WEIRD. IT IS DEFINITELY FIT PAUL’S NUMBER THOUGH! HAYLEY x”.

Paul is one of Andy’s mates but I don’t know him so I don’t know why he sent it to me. Jake wants to know though!

Bye!

It reminded me a lot of something off a problem page! – 19th & 20th September 2000

Tuesday 19th I must have fallen asleep before Jake had finished sending me messages cos when I got up this morning, I had one saying, “I DON’T LIKE PLANNING THINGS BUT IF WE DO GET TO DECEMBER AND NO-ONE’S HAD A PARTY… WELL! : ) I DO WANT TO! COULD GO TO AN OPEN DAY… A LONG WAY AWAY AND STAY OVER! x”.

I replied telling him I couldn’t really see that happening and he said, “I KNOW! IT’S ALREADY GOING VERY QUICKLY! WISH WE WERE RICH THEN WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH A YOUTH HOSTEL! DON’T TELL ME I’VE BEEN TOO SLOW AGAIN! : ) LOVE YOU! x”.

I told him that he’d been too slow in asking me out after I found out how long he’d liked me which is what the last bit was about!

Later he said, “I SPOSE IT’S A VERY BIG STEP TO TAKE AND YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WANT TO! SOME PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST SEXUAL SO FOR US TO BE THIS CLOSE NOW JUST SHOWS HOW GOOD WE ARE TOGETHER AND HOW STRONG OUR RELATIONSHIP IS… DOESN’T IT? : ) LOVE YOU LOADS!!! xJx”.

That was a very nice message but it reminded me a lot of something off a problem page!

I saw Jake briefly today in my free lessons but then I saw him later cos he came round to my house. Nothing happened cos my family kept wandering about and we got worried about them coming in.

Bye!

Wednesday 20th I went to the Environmental Sciences talk thing at Huddersfield University today so Sarah, Hayley, Jake and I all went along. I really, really like it there! We went to the talk thing with this Robert Allen bloke and there was only one other lad there. It was more helpful than I thought it’d be though cos he told us what needs to go on our personal statements and stuff.

For the rest of the day, we just wandered round the uni and the town. Jake showed me which block he’s going to be in and then got stopped by some bloke asking for money and he gave him £2 cos he’s nice! He also saw a lad called Chris (I think) that used to be in his year at school.

Sarah and Hayley spent most of the day lad watching and when Hayley tried to involve me in it, Jake (quite rightly, I suppose) got ready to sulk!

On our way home, Jake dropped me off before Hayley so I was a bit annoyed cos I couldn’t even give him a hug while she was in the car cos she’d have made some comment. I sulked for a bit through text messages and then it came out that he’s worried about Hayley’s influence over me when he’s in Canada. He thinks I’ll be hanging round with her ex Andy and his mates again. I corrected him that, if I can help it, I won’t be!

Bye!