I feel a bit stupid for worrying so much – 18th January 2001

Thursday 18th
11 weeks to go!

I was just worrying to Mum about Jake when I was eating my breakfast this morning when the phone rang. It was 7:30am and it was Jake! 🙂 He said his alarm hadn’t gone off yesterday morning so he would’ve missed the bus if he’d have phoned me. He also explained that his email is not very long because the café shut an hour earlier than normal. It was very early in the morning there but he said nobody goes to bed early so it doesn’t matter if he phoned so early! 🙂

I’m sooo relieved he’s okay but I feel a bit stupid for worrying so much now! I’ve relaxed a lot more now cos I’d worked myself up into a right state! I’d have been happy to see he’d sent me a mail too if he hadn’t phoned this morning. 🙂


Jake’s email →

18-01-01 Jake email

My reply →

18-01-01 Tess email


I keep trying to think positive – 17th January 2001

Wednesday 17th
11 weeks + 1 days to go!

I got told today that MiniTaylor is actually seeing Emma now. That’s a bit weird!

I’m really, really worried again. Jake hasn’t phoned tonight at all. There’s all sorts of things racing round my mind that could’ve happened to him. He said if he couldn’t phone he’d let me know why so I didn’t worry but he hasn’t left any messages or anything so I’m very worried now!

I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I never see him again. I love him sooo much and I just can’t imagine life without him or being with anyone else. The thought just makes me feel so sick and I’ve got a constant lump in my throat. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t concentrate on any work so I’ve no idea how I’m going to pass my Geography exam next week or get my Biology coursework in on Monday!

I keep trying to think positive cos he might well have got up late or not been able to get another phone card or that the phone might be being used. I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll have an email tomorrow morning but I don’t think I’ll be able to bring myself to look because if I haven’t got one I know I’ll be panicking even more.

I can’t stand this! It’s just not like him cos if he says he’s going to do something, he usually does.

This is awful! I hate not knowing! But then I don’t want to hear anything bad’s happened to him. Ohh, I can’t think straight! 😦

I’ve been trying to take comfort from the fact that I felt like this on Saturday and he did eventually phone me but this time he hasn’t phoned me at all so I’m very worried. I’m absolutely dreading checking my emails in college tomorrow morning just in case I haven’t got one from Jake.

I can’t think of any reasons why he can’t phone me OR email me unless something is really wrong. [Perhaps because I was being a massive anxious pain and he was in the pub?] He even said on his last email that he’d speak to me today.

I suppose I’d better try and get some sleep.


P.S. Jake’s email this morning →

17-01-01 Jake email

My reply →

17-01-01 Tess email

I could hear his mates whistling and stuff – 16th January 2001

Tuesday 16th
11 weeks + 2 days to go!

Not much has really happened at college today (as usual!) except everyone’s debating how long Lizzie and Declan are going to last because she’s going to meet some Paul lad she met at swimming in town on Friday night. It’s been arranged for a while but I think it’s really shady on Declan.

I’ve been talking to MiniTaylor a bit more recently and he was sat with us and Declan asked him if he was wearing his own clothes today. I think he’s nicking Jake’s!

Jake phoned me this evening again. It was about 5:00pm when he did so I was just beginning to get worried when he rang! He told me the course was fun and one of the girl looks like an 8 year old lad and the other one’s ill so I don’t need to worry!

He gave me the address and phone number of where he’s staying. It’s:

Room 207
Best Western Siding 29 Lodge
PO Box 1387

Tel: 0014037625575

I feel a bit better knowing that now!

I did tell him that he doesn’t have to phone or mail me if he’s got other stuff to do. He said he wants to but that if one day he doesn’t ring it might be because he’s got up late and might miss the bus if he phones or something. He said he’d ring my mobile and leave a message later on if something like that happened. I’m just scared of having to go through those awful feelings of dread again like I had to on Saturday.

I didn’t really mean that he doesn’t have to ring though! I mean, he doesn’t have to but I want him to! I could hear his mates whistling and stuff in the background which gave me the impression he should’ve been doing something else!


P.S. Email from Jake →

16-01-01 Jake email

My reply →

16-01-01 Tess email

[I did briefly realise my yellow digger dream through work about 15 years later…]



I don’t want my friends getting sick of me – 15th January 2001

Monday 15th
11 weeks + 3 days to go!

Well, Lizzie and Declan Churchill are officially going out. It was a bit strange watching them the first time they actually sat down and spoke to each other cos they were sat in the same place that Jake and I were when we first spoke on that Monday morning after Amanda Bryan’s party. Then lots of people started speaking to them and asking questions like they did with us. It was also obviously a bit awkward but I don’t think it was quite as bad as Jake and me cos they’re not a quiet, I don’t think. Declan’s not anyway.

I was very pleased to see I had received an email from Jake when I checked this morning. It was quite a nice long one too!

15-01-01 Jake email

I’d better watch that I don’t go on about him too much cos my mates aren’t very tolerant of people like Lizzie and Hayley (who nobody’s speaking to… Hayley that is) who go on about lads they’ve had/got all the time. I don’t want my friends getting sick of me too.

Cat’s already made a comment. I was talking about skiing with her so I said I reckon that if Jake comes back he might well go on about how much he enjoyed it etc. and she said, “What, like you do about him?” I think she must have realised she offended me cos she apologised. I didn’t think I mentioned him that much!

That’s the problem with my mates. I don’t mind them going on about their problems (e.g. Sarah and Maz or Cat and Mr L) but as soon as someone else goes on to them about something, they whinge. I just need to talk to someone sometimes without feeling like I was annoying them, just so I can get things off my chest. I actually think Gethin’s the best listener out of the lot of them!

I dunno, maybe it doesn’t take me saying much for my mates to get irritated by it because they don’t think I’ve got any reason to complain cos, even if he is in Canada, I’ve still got a proper boyfriend.

Why is it that your own problems always seem worse than everyone else’s?!

Jake phoned me tonight. He said he’s still a bit nervous about starting his course today cos he thinks everyone else is better at skiing than him. He told me he went out last night with some older people to watch the football or something and that the girl who asked about the nail varnish was on the bus with him so he took the opportunity to say he’s got a girlfriend! 🙂 Good!

He told me that it’s getting a bit more like a school trip cos someone’s organising trips and stuff for Sundays (their day off). He said he’ll email me later to tell me how today goes. Well, I hope!

I made sure I told him he’s got to phone home cos both his brother and Declan asked if I’d heard from him and when I said yes, I got told that he’s got to phone home cos his dad’s going to cut off his phone or something! It doesn’t work there anyway!

He needs to tell his dad about the ticket thing he got for getting caught on camera going through an amber/red light! He reckons his dad might cancel his credit card so he can’t afford to eat and has to come home! 🙂 No, I shouldn’t smile, that’s mean! Oh well! 🙂


P.S. My reply →

15-01-01 Tess email

That’s enough negative thoughts for one day! – 14th January 2001

Sunday 14th
11 weeks + 4 days to go!

I checked my email first thing this morning and I was pleased to see I had 2. The first one was a long one which was nice but some of it just made me more jealous or more worried e.g. the bit about a girl breaking her neck. The bit about me loving it there just made me want to go. He’s obviously enjoying himself!

1st email today →

14-01-01 Jake email 1

14-01-01 Jake email 2

This is the 2nd one I got. It’s not very long but I thought I’d stick it in anyway. →

14-01-01 Jake email 3

He phoned me at about 4:15pm today. He didn’t really have a lot to tell me cos he didn’t go out last night cos he and a few others stayed in and watched a film. I didn’t have much to tell him either. He said that he doesn’t really have much free time and it’s a pain getting the bus every morning.

I said he doesn’t have to ring me (I didn’t mean it!) but he insisted that he will cos he wants to. He actually said he missed me too but I said, “Yeah right!” cos I don’t really believe him yet but he kept saying that he really is missing me. 🙂 I hope so!

Even though he’s phoned me and stuff now, I’m still really worrying about him. He’s there for a very long time which gives a longer time for something to happen to him. I just can’t bear the thought of not being about the see him again! I love him so much and I don’t want anything to change.

Even if he does survive, I don’t want it all to be different when he comes home but it surely can’t be exactly the same cos he’ll just probably want to ski!

Anyway, that’s enough negative thoughts for one day!


P.S. The emails I sent him today →

14-01-01 Tess email 114-01-01 Tess email 2

An official warning about cougars – 11th & 12th January 2001

Thursday 11th
12 weeks to go!

Well, this really is it now… he’s gone! 😦

I didn’t go to college this morning because I was too tired. I wasn’t too upset until he phoned me from Heathrow Airport but then hearing his voice set me off crying. It wasn’t a long conversation, he just told me he was nervous and that he keeps filling up. So do I!

I got a text message from him tonight when he got to Canada. It just said he was at the airport, had to go through customs and he’d ring tomorrow. I was really disappointed cos I really wanted to speak to him. I texted him but he didn’t text back.


Friday 12th
11 weeks + 6 days to go! [It looks like I did actually keep this up for the entire time Jake was in Canada.]

When I woke up this morning, I was really disappointed to find he still hadn’t texted me back. He told me he would when he got to Banff so I was quite a bit worried. I just about managed to convince myself that he must have no signal, although scenes of a horrific coach accident were in the back of my mind!

When I got in from college, Abby answered the door and told me Jake had phoned about 5 minutes before. So, I was sat by the phone waiting for him to ring back and eventually he did. He told me that he’d got there and it’s -10oC! He’s sharing a big room in his hotel with a southerner called Rob. He then told me that they’d all had an official warning about cougars! Oh, great! 😦

Tonight, a BIG group of us did The Run [a local pub crawl through my village]. I actually really enjoyed myself! The group of us included Robbie Taylor (Jake’s brother) and Declan Churchill cos Gethin invited them. MiniTaylor (Robbie) was saying that Jake hadn’t phoned home so I had to tell him what he’d said to me.

We did actually manage to do every pub [there were 7 in a mile and a half along the main road through my village] up until The Coach and Horses in the next village which we were quite pleased about. I even forced myself to go in The Green Dragon but I refused to buy anything from there!

Big Paul started giving me advice at one point. He said he knows it’s hard being without Jake but it will get easier. I told him I wasn’t bothered yet and he told me that I will be soon! Cheers, Paul! It was good advice up until that point!

Now for the gossip….. Lizzie, Maisie and Gethin were all after Declan tonight. Gethin had no chance, Maisie warned off Lizzie but Declan actually liked Lizzie and they ended up going with [snogging] each other in The Coach.

There was also a possibility something might’ve happened between Emma and MiniTaylor because he’s following in his brother’s footsteps and now fancies her. She seemed up for it cos she was sat on him and was holding his hand and stuff.

Sarah, Gethin and I all went back to Gethin’s for a bit afterwards. Gethin was depressed about Declan, Sarah was depressed about Maz and I was beginning to get a bit depressed about Jake being away. So, for therapy, we all sat there and slagged off Hayley!


P.S. I sent Jake this email today. →

12-01-01 Tess email

I sent Jake these 2 mails when I got in tonight. →

12-01-01 Email to Jake 1


I need hugs all the time – 10th January 2001

Wednesday 10th That’s it, my last day with Jake over. 😦

This is what I wrote in my card to him. →

Letter to Jake

I didn’t go to college this morning because I’m not going to see him for so long so he came round to my house. When he came in, we just didn’t say anything and hugged instead which made us both cry a bit. We were both really tired so we went and lay on my bed and actually wasted time by falling asleep. It was nice though!

He took me to McDonald’s for lunch before I went to my biology lesson. I needed to go because Mr C was going through something that I haven’t understood.

When I met up with him again, we got a few photos of us copied for him to take with him and then we went to his house for a while so he could sort some stuff out.

We ate our last Chinese together for tea and then went to watch Charlie’s Angels at the cinema at the Trafford Centre in an attempt to take our minds off him leaving. It was a good film and we discovered you can move the armrests to make a double seat. It’s a shame we never discovered that before! We had a few really good kisses too!

I hadn’t got upset until he drove us back and we sat in the car park on Hodge Drive. We talked a bit but were mainly in floods of tears. He was crying so hard I was worrying about him at one point!

He drove me home at about 1am and we sat on my drive for a bit. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car and leave him! We just couldn’t stop crying but we eventually had one last kiss and one last hug before I counted to 3 in my head and got out of the car. We waved at each other as he drove off and I watched him until I couldn’t see him round the corner.

When I got in, Mum was in bed but still awake and she have me a hug and told me it’d be okay. I hope she’s right! I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him. I just love him so much!

I can’t believe I’m not going to be able to see him or touch him now. I need hugs all the time but he won’t be here anymore. 😦

He’s left me Preston, his pink shirt, his Issey Miyaki aftershave, a card and a 10 page letter which made me cry even more because it’s so nice.

I’m really going to miss him.


[This is his card and 10 page letter to me…]

Jake's letter page 1

Jake's letter page 2

Jake's letter page 3

Jake's letter page 4

Jake's letter page 5

Jake's letter page 6

Jake's letter page 7

Jake's letter page 8

Jake's letter page 9

Jake's letter page 10