Why (oh, why) am I doing this?

I know it’s daft before I’ve even started it but the other, more sensible option is to have a dock off bonfire and I can’t quite bring myself to do that after years of writing EVERYTHING down… with diagrams.

I’m Tessa and I’ve been aggressively writing ‘BYE!’ at the end of the day since 1995. A friend bought me a diary just before my 13th birthday and, 20 years on, I still keep one. And I still hide it under my wardrobe.

150425 Photo centred - Tom Kelly

‘If Destroyed Still True’ (or ‘IDST’ for time-saving purposes) is something that fellow teenagers and I wrote pretty frequently after pencil case statements such as ‘Tess ♥z Dougie’ so that, if someone scratched it out, my lurve for him would not die. It was often used to annoy friends by writing it after scrawling that they fancied some prat or other. It seems like a fitting name because, even if I did burn the hell out of these diaries, everything in them will not un-happen. It will all remain very sadly true.

I wasn’t originally planning to post everything but, if I’m going to do this, I may as well do it properly and embrace the concept of overshareyness. This is now a thing. I may well regret it at some stage but, so far, my teens seemed to mainly consist of wanting to be in Pride and Prejudice, worrying about who I’d sit next to on the bus and some very mild stalking. However, there are days when something less mundane happened e.g. the day I awoke with the word ‘fallopian’ stuck in my head. Hold on to your hats.

It turns out my sister, Abby, also briefly kept a diary so hers joins mine for a little while from August 2014. She also wrote ‘bye’ every day which, to me, is evidence that she definitely read my diary.

I’m embarrassed to be me and no doubt [Future Me] will be cringing at her 30-something diaries as well. Although, I’m not as much of a stalker these days.

Ok, I’m going to do this.

I think.

Oh God. Here goes…

BYE!

85 thoughts on “Why (oh, why) am I doing this?”

  1. Got me hooked!! I want to read more!! Secretly envious of anyone who kept a diary, I was too busy sneaking out of windows to go clubbing, leaving my younger sister knitting socks for Lewis Collins, whilst wearing knickers on her head to keep her hair in place. We are not close!! We are half scottish!!

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  2. This is so wonderful to read! I started a diary in 1995 when I was 12 and kept it going for about a decade. This has inspired me to go back and read some of them…don’t think I’m game enough to publicise them those!

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  4. Thanks – It’s probably more stupid than brave though! I’ll be in trouble if I get discovered by some people I went to school with. You’re quite brave to tell me you kept journals at the risk of me setting a challenge! (see Looking-glasses comment above)

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  8. Diaries and I had a love-hate relationship when I was a teenager. And it all drastically ended the day my brother peaked in and read some dumb stuff he wasn’t supposed to. But your idea got me thinking. If I had written so far down the line, a literary flashback would have been enlightening to say the least. Oh well, I’ll just have to make do with my worse-than-goldfish memory. Loveeeeee your idea. Kudos!

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    • Thanks 🙂 Have you still got some of your diaries? I was lucky in a way – My sister kept one or two diaries herself and they contained enough incriminating information to stop her telling the world what was in mine!

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  10. I can’t even begin to tell you how brave you are… OMG I think I cringe at pulling out those journals!! I love it though! Yours seem much more cooler than mine… (horses, LOTR, Backstreet Boys)

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  11. This is probably one of the most unique and creative blogs I’ve visited. Thanks for visiting my page and following. You’ve just gotten yourself another avid follower. I never kept a diary, and I am so glad you’re letting me see yours. Happy Blogging!!!

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  14. This is very brave of you! I have journals I kept from when I was 16 and into university. I have often thought about burning them, like you mentioned. I don’t think I could post them online like you are! I don’t have the lovely little doodles either 🙂 I enjoy your blog so far!

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    • I’m pleased you’re enjoying it. As much as I’d like to chuck them on a bonfire sometimes, I’d be really upset if there was an unexpected fire and they all disappeared. There are so many silly little things I’ve forgotten. I just have to do my best to make sure certain people don’t see it!

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  15. I love this! I started my first diary when I was 11, when my brother gave me a book for Christmas. I still write in it, 17 years later, although not as often. Reading yours makes me cringe because I remember mine. Great idea 🙂

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  16. I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while that I think this format/idea is great! I’m a little jealous (not in the I wish I did that kind of way, but the – Wow! That’s scary, cool, fascinating kind of jealous). I feel the same way about diaries that I do about smart phones – thank God I didn’t have one when I was a kid! 😉 My fb and blog serve as a kind of mothering diary and I’m sure my children will have something to say about it when they become adults. But that’s what savings accounts are for – good therapy! Thank you for letting me in on your secrets.

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    • Ta very much 🙂 I’m pleased you like it. I sometimes wish I hadn’t kept a diary but I’d never remember all the little things that happened if I hadn’t. I know putting them on the internet takes it to a whole other level but, although I talk about burning them, I’d be so sad if they actually went up in smoke so this is another way of preserving them in case if any future incidents with candles. And, as long as you aren’t from my school, I can just about cope with other people reading them! You never know, your kids might be pleased that you document what they get up to because they probably won’t remember it in 20 years time. If they’re mortified then you’ve factored in that therapy for them!

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  17. Loved it !! brings back old memories 🙂 As a teenager, I maintained a diary as well but it had a different purpose..whenever, I used to have trouble with Mom, I used to write my feelings and point of view in it and instead of hiding it in the wardrobe, I would keep it on my study table ..invariable Mom who see it and read it and feel miserable…Cruel me !! 😦 lets blame it on Teen hormones )

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    • Oh dear, your poor mother! I have a good old whinge about my mum in my diary occasionally but I find myself siding with her nowadays. They were teenagers too once upon a time so I bet our grandparents didn’t get off lightly either! I’m definitely blaming teen hormones for a lot of my ramblings though 🙂

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      • 🙂 yeah ..now that I’m a mum too, I know, what’s coming my way ,in a few years time 🙂 I often find myself handling some situations just like mum used too..makes me smile..
        Looking forward to read more snippets from your diary

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  18. This is such a clever idea, I love it!! Thanks for the love on my page, it’s nice to know that there people out there who appreciate the little nothings I write. Keep up the awesome work!

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      • I’d go for it being a silly idea over a clever one because it’s now probably going to be in the internet foreverrrrr but thank you 🙂

        A few people have said that they wanted to be in Pride and Prejudice as young ladies so we definitely weren’t alone!

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  19. Just brilliant! Thanks for the follow. So glad you found me so that I could find you. My elementary school diaries were absolutely pervy (sad but true) and my college diaries were… well, whiningly sad but true. So I ripped and recycled. And now I sort of wish I’d kept them for the minutia. So thank you for sharing your sad but true minutia with the rest of us!

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    • There is a ridiculous level of detail in mine sometimes. There wasn’t a lot to do in my village day to day so I had to keep myself occupied somehow. Mainly by worrying. Or ineffective stalking.

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  20. This is such a brilliant idea! I used to and still keep a journal. Started when I was about 7-8 maybe? And I’m 21 now. Just a couple of months back I threw out the really old ones(and there were too many cluttering up my space!) after a final read and I laughed (and cringed) a lot. How priorities have changed over the years! And I bet this is the exact thing I’ll be saying when my 30 or 40 year old self reads my present entries in the future.

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    • Thank you! It’ll be a TERRIBLE idea if certain people ever see this. I still know most of them to some degree so it’s a risky business. Can you get restraining orders 18 years after the event?!

      I’ve looked back on my university diaries (which includes being 21) and they’re still pretty bad but it’s different things that make them cringeworthy. They’re still all about boys and worrying about irrelevant things though! Not much has changed even now…

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  23. Oh dear God, I’m so glad I have found your blog! These are BRILLIANT, and SO VERY MUCH like my teenage diaries! Instead of saying ‘Bye!’ at the end of every entry, I would start every entry by yelling ‘HULLO!!!!’ to my diary.
    This is an excellent idea – the world needs to understand the mind of an adolescent mid-90s. You are doing an important thing here. Keep it up 🙂

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    • HULLO!!! Thank you for such a lovely comment! It made me do an actual smile despite the grey and cheese-deprived January.

      It’s good to know that other people kept teenage diaries. They contain the proof that we were all completely weird in one way or another.

      A lot of my non-diary writing friends have forgotten what they were like and have convinced themselves the were all cool as teens. They were not. I have the proof 😉 For that reason, I’ve had to change most names a bit so that they don’t hunt me down and kill me for doing this.

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      • And that is the most important reason of all – to show us that we were most definitely NOT cool teens. There is an actual genuine comment in my 13 year-old diary that goes thus: ‘Craig thinks I’m pretty. I think he wants to sex me.’
        Whilst on the surface this comment seems promiscuous, if you study it a little longer it becomes hugely apparent that, at 13, I had no idea what sex was or even how to use the word in a sentence. This sort of thing needs to be shown to the world and used as a warning to teens today.
        Keep up the excellent work, and you’ve now inspired me to delve into the box of dusty diaries in my wardrobe and spend this evening reliving my tragic teenhood….. 🙂
        Bye!

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      • Hee hee! ‘I think he wants to sex me’ = Teenage diary GOLD.

        Do let me know if you find anything else thoroughly mortifying during your diary delving. Reading bits from other peoples’ diaries makes me feel a lot better about mine.

        I hope current teenagers still write this shiz down on paper and don’t just put it straight on the internet. Paper diaries can only be properly deleted with fire.

        Happy cringing! 🙂

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  24. this is such a cute idea. i would totally do this since i started journaling in the 4th grade… except i definitely literally threw and burned all my journals from back in the day. i kinda regret it now…

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  25. Hi Tess,
    I’m debating whether it’s entirely appropriate to leave such an appalling example of a Thank You note here, but seeing as I’ve already written at least 50% of said note, I will wrap up by saying: Thank you for following my blog of dubious quality. It’s much appreciated.
    -A

    Ps – Your blog has led to many a flashback of the Tamagochi, tumultuous crush, and tantrum filled times.
    I applaud your bravery and lack of sense.

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  27. Oh my this sounds enticing already.. I also kept a diary as a teenager and as a child but like most things it proved to be a fleeting thing.. So i admire you for sticking at it 😃

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  32. I love this! Your introduction here is great and the diary entries themselves are so innocent and touching and entertaining. It’s incredible that you consistently wrote like that for such a long time. I’m really enjoying it!

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    • I’m starting to think it’s incredibly weird that I kept it up for so long but thank you very much! After such a lovely comment, you’re definitely forgiven for distracting me from tea-making with your blog yesterday evening.

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  34. Hi Tess, I haven’t been as brave as you and included such full entries on my diaries… but I found them in the loft two months ago and some sentences were just too good to keep to myself. I started posting them day by day on facebook and my friends were begging for more so I put the one from when I was 13 and ones from when I was 6-8 on here and I love how much they make people laugh. I’d say the 13yr old one is my winner.
    Please do take the time to have a look as I think you would get a few laughs… and if you want to share my posts in anyway to help me get more strangers reading it… I would love it as a beginner blogger.
    Cheers chick,
    Megan

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    • Hello! Even sharing a few sentences is considered brave by the the non-diary sharing members of the population so medals all round, I reckon!

      If you want to share some of your diaries here (which I would link back to your blog) then you’d be welcome to do a guest post. (The previous ones are all on my Guest Diaries page.) If you fancy doing that, send me an email to idstdiaries@gmail.com and we can have a chat about it.

      Tess x

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  35. You showed some interest in my blog at some point. It might have been quite a while ago. But I’m glad I ran across it because I stopped by here and I love this blog. I can’t wait to read a whole bunch. Haha. On my blog I am doing the exact same thing. Except with my grandmother’s journals. I don’t have the bravery you have. Or do I?

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    • Hello there! Yes, I did stumble across your blog a while ago. I love diaries (except my own – they’re horrific!). I’m blooming nosy so anything diary-related always grabs my attention. If you have your own diaries and ever summon up the courage (or stupidity?) to share them then do let me know 🙂

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  36. Bit late to the party but – omg awesome!! I kept diaries from age 9 to 18 and only recently found them all again and have *just* started posting excerpts online too (in amongst other actual supposedly grown up creative stuff, not nearly as regularly as you) however I am getting nervous-er re sharing the closer I get to the cringe-worthy adolescent years…
    Anyway, hitting follow with glee, I LOVE this!
    🙂
    Ro

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    • Hello there! You’re not late, don’t worry… I never stopped keeping diaries so this will be continuing for a while yet! I’m alway especially happy when another teenage diarist lands here too. Other diaries make me feel much better about my own cringeworthyness! I will be immediately following you right back as soon as I’ve written this 😊

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      • I think I found you b/c you hit follow on my blog already 🙂 so thank you for that!! Ahhh that’s awesome, I’m trying to get back into diary-ing (journalling?) after a decade ish hiatus! 🙂

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