Wednesday 29th I rang Jake today to tell him the arrangements for One Big Sunday in Leicester and he was really off with me. I asked what was wrong and he said it was because I was nasty to him last night and he saw my face fall when he arrived. Karen, Isaac and Rocky apparently agreed with him. Thanks a lot!
I feel really guilty about it now but I was looking forward to a night out with just my mates, without having him there to upset me by reminding me what it used to be like. It’s almost like torture when he’s there and I can’t kiss him and stuff. I also didn’t like seeing loads of girls looking him up and down constantly in Edison’s. When I was with him I could snog him in front of them and feel really smug but not anymore. There’s nothing I can do.
On the phone, Jake also said that I looked really nice with my hair up and pointed out that I never did that for him. I couldn’t help thinking that if I’d worn my hair up before then he wouldn’t have wanted to split up but I’m not going to think like that cos there are a lot more “ifs” that the same could be said about.
He said everyone noticed him looking down cos of me. I felt more guilty at first but when I thought about it, he’s the one that wanted to break up more than me so I’ve got no reason to feel like that really.
I’ve been really upset this evening. Abby and Connor saw Jake on their way to kickboxing. He was sat on a wall in the next village waiting for a lift to Warrington to see Freda’s band play at Çasi. I’m so pissed off! I’ve been inviting him everywhere with me to prevent him feeling left out. I didn’t want to get too upset about it cos Mum said how proud she was of the way I’ve handled the situation and just got on with things. I couldn’t help it though. I kept getting images of him snogging random girls and I bet any money Emma’s there!
I think it’s just cos it’s the first time he’s been out without me properly that it’s upset me and I probably won’t be as bothered from now on. It’ll be the same with his girlfriends, I suppose.