We just sat there and cuddled – 9th June 2000

Friday 9th Jake sent me 2 messages in a row last night when he got in from work. I’d sent one saying how I was psyching myself up for Miss P’s lesson tomorrow and he said, “HELLO!!! : ) PSYCHED UP?! JUST SPOKEN 2 HUGO – I DON’T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BUT THE FACT THAT…” then, “YOU LOVE ME AND YOU ARE THERE FOR ME IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! I KNOW I’D BE THE SAME! I WON’T SEEM THAT UPSET COS I BOTTLE IT UP! JUST GLAD IT’S OVER! LOVE YOU xJx”.

After that message, I couldn’t help it and I just burst into tears. I am glad he said all that though cos it made me less worried about seeing him today.

At 3rd period, I was on my way to Geography and Miranda came up to me and Sarah and asked if I was Tessa. I’m so glad she came and spoke to me because she started off just asking how Jake was and then said how she was really worried about seeing Robbie cos she doesn’t want to say anything in case it upsets him but then doesn’t want to not say anything in case he thinks she doesn’t care. She told me that it’s really upset her cos she wasn’t expecting it and it hadn’t quite sunk in.

I told her that I was worried about exactly the same things and that it’d upset me too. She asked how I’d found out and told me she’d found out when she’d phoned Robbie and it’d sounded like he’d been crying and he’d told her what’d happened. She’s also got the additional worry of Clara because she’s in her year and used to be quite good friends with her.

She told me to find her if I came up with any ideas of what to say. I said the same.

I think I’ll go and find Miranda on Monday if I can and see how things went if she’s seen/spoken to Robbie. Talking to her made me feel a bit better cos it let me know that my reactions weren’t stupid or anything.

Jake came into college at lunch. He didn’t mention anything so neither did I. Bhakti came in to talk to him (very loudly!) so I went to the garage and left them to it. I’d heard her say that all his mates were waiting to see him downstairs. That’s what I wouldn’t like – everyone wanting to see you and stuff.

He was being fine with me when I got back. We just sat there and cuddled. We didn’t talk much but then we don’t really need to anymore cos the silences aren’t awkward. We hugged and kissed after college when everyone else had gone. He had to go cos he was getting his hair cut but he was coming out tonight.

We went to The Dog again but Hayley didn’t come so it was just me, Jake, Gethin and Sarah. Emma was also there with Suzanna so they came and sat with us.

Jake didn’t get as drunk as last week so we talked quite a lot. I can’t remember what started it off but he said he wouldn’t want Gethin to draw the same conclusions as he did about that Tuesday night in the holidays! He grinned at me knowingly and I apologised for playing all innocent! I told him I didn’t have my Magic 8 Ball with me but he said it didn’t matter cos it’d told him what he wanted to hear least week! He then said things like he can’t ever imagine being without me and that he wants to be with me forever. I agreed! He told me he loved me on more than one occasion too.

As usual, the Canada subject came up. He kept saying he didn’t want to go anymore cos he can’t even cope with me for a few days! I told him that I didn’t want him to go and he said that I was making him feel guilty! I started saying how I can’t help but worry that he’ll forget about me or meet someone else cos he’ll be with a load of new people whereas I won’t. He said he’d probably be paranoid too if it was the other way round but that how could he forget me?! He stressed the point that he won’t do anything with anyone else either. Good!

Again, the university conversation started. He said that we won’t split up if I don’t go to Huddersfield even if it’s a long was away. I hope he’s right but, realistically, I can’t see it happening. Anyway, hopefully I’ll end up at Huddersfield with him!

We walked back to the next village, stopping off at the Chinese and then my house to get forks. Jake and I stopped quite a few times. We were longest down that path through the trees again. All we did was kiss and cuddle but it was nice. He was moaning that he couldn’t smell cos he’s got a cold cos he said I usually smell nice and that he wanted to be able to smell it!

We stopped outside school too. We could see Sarah and Gethin so we could tell if they were getting bored. When we were there, we decided that we’re a bit hopeless really cos neither of us wanted to leave the other one!

We eventually joined Sarah and Gethin, and Sarah rang a taxi. It was late so we sat on a bench outside school and waited. Jake told me to sit on his knee and when I refused he kept saying, “please” over and over again! His excuse was cos it’d keep him warm but I still though it a bit odd! I gave in in the end though.

He seemed okay all night. You’d never have guessed that something bad’s happened to him cos he seemed quite cheerful. I thought he was more relaxed too but it could’ve just been cos he’s tired or something.

I hope he really is alright, I just can’t always tell.


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