Even if they are freaks, some lads actually like me – 15th December 1998

Tuesday 15th I’m really worried. I’ve got spots all over my chest and back and I’m getting an increasing amount on my face. It probably sounds really pathetic but to me it’s awful. I can’t stop crying. I came off the Minocycline tablets about a month or two ago and already I’m sure my skin’s going back to how it was before I was given the tablets.

My mum keeps telling me not to be so negative but it’s a bit hard not to be when I know that last time I just had a few spots it turned into full-blown acne. I’m sure not many people really understand or care considering it’s not known as a terminal disease or anything but all I know is that it made my life hell.

I don’t think I could cope if it happened again now. I keep thinking back to how it was and I keep remembering things that people said and did. I always used to worry about it being windy too because my fringe would blow back and everyone stared at my face.

Most people just felt sorry for me and even Emma attempted to help by telling me I should grow my fringe out and stuff like that as if she was the expert. I had Johnny Doherty asking me to lift up my fringe for a minute and Amber Watson trying to be nice by saying, “Ignore him, it just shows you’re more mature than he is” whilst staring at my skin. I could’ve hit them all.

Then there was the embarrassment of having to sit in a classroom while a teacher talked to the class about hygiene and she said that most spots are caused by hormones but not washing properly and eating the wrong foods didn’t help either. When she said those last 2, I didn’t look up but I know people were glancing in my direction.

Then there was Lindsey Bullman and Karen Brent who bullied me and used my acne as summit to get at me for by saying things like (very loudly), “Tess, you can buy cream for acne, you know.” Basically, it was bad. I’m so worried it’s going to be like that again.

Lindsey & Karen

[I got my secret revenge by drawing them like this in my diary. HA! Cowbags.]

I know what people say behind your back too coz, since I’ve had clear skin coz of medication, Emma has commented on other people. For example, Ste Rollinson. She keeps telling me how gorgeous he used to be but recently he’s gone really minging because his face has “erupted” in loads of acne. I don’t speak usually but when I do comment about it not being his fault she just says “of course it is because he must just eat too much chocolate”. At that point I’m struggling to control my fists and go quiet so she must remember or summit coz the subject gets changed.

The thing is, she’s like my best mate and I just can’t tell her. She saw the tablets (when I had them) and asked what they were for. I didn’t even tell her then. I made up that they were for an ear infection or summit like that.

It’s just embarrassing mentioning the word acne to people, even my family and friends coz people automatically think of greasy, junk-food-eating teenagers. Unfair. It’s not my fault, I can’t help it. Also, when Emma says about Ste Rollinson etc., I always wonder if that’s what people’d say about me.

Even if they are freaks, some lads actually like me but I bet they wouldn’t if my skin went bad again. I don’t really want to go back on the tablets even though I could coz they can’t be doing the rest of my body any good, can they? But then if I don’t, who knows, I’ll probably end up getting spots again and it’ll be back to how it was.

First impressions and looks do count. I can see me going out with my friends. They’ll all get lads and no-one’ll look twice at me unless it’s to stare at my skin. But I could be on those tablets forever. Why can’t my acne just go away and stay away naturally and now?

You see, I even had 2nd thoughts about writing all that coz it’d embarrassing to me really, although it shouldn’t have to be.


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