Confidence boosting for me but agonising for them – 5th November 1998

Thursday 5th It’s Bonfire Night and a week until my 16th birthday which I’m dreading coz Hayley’s going to embarrass me and no doubt Emma will too.

I just thought I’d actually got through a day this week without any Ewan embarrassments today. That is until last break. Rach was on prefect duty in C Block with Harry Preston and I’d told her I’d go and stand with her. But I didn’t realise until I got in there that Ewan was with Harry P, did I?!

I couldn’t exactly run out again so I talked to Rach and Emma. Then Emma decided to call over Ewan and start talking to him about the Xmas party. I thought that she was going to tell him he had to come coz I was going but she didn’t. He was stood there grinning and so was I.

I made eye contact with him at registration for ages. He was sat in his form room eating and I was coming up the stairs. I looked and he looked for ages it seemed until I was in my form room (next to his).

Ferny’s starting at the 6th Form college probably. I thought he’d be joining the RAF straight away so I was prepared to force myself not to like him towards the end of the year coz I thought I’d never see him again. Now there’s no need. Maybe he’ll actually start to like girls by then too. I wonder what Ewan’s doing. I’ll have to find that one out.

I was on the phone to Emma before. She’s got Davis, Charlie Wilson and Jake Taylor all at her house for some neighbour’s bonfire and, as soon as she realised it was me, she said they’d all just been talking about me.

She said that they were talking about Austria and that Jake said that his mate Andrew Bailey (a saddo who was in my ski group) fancied me on that holiday and that he was dead disappointed when he didn’t get to go with [snog] me at the disco. Well, if it’s true, I never realised. If someone had said something I could have had some fun and led him on but not actually done anything. Sort of like a Ralph type thing where it’s confidence boosting for me but agonising for them. Mean, I know! [Very mean but, however much I tried to deny it, I know I lurved Ralph because it’s all written down and I failed to destroy the evidence.]


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