Saturday 31st I’ve had a boring last few days. I went to this crap Halloween disco at the Sports Club but it was full of old people and Hayley and Emma put me in a bad mood by saying I looked miserable when I wasn’t. I cheered up a bit when Hayley apologised but I had to go home after we danced to Steps and Spice Girls ‘Stop’. [Totally cool.] We were the only ones on the dancefloor to them.
Emma’s had an interesting last few days. I wasn’t included in them. She never bothered to phone so I was stuck here doing homework. She’s been asked out by 3 people in the last 2 days.
- Neil Kennedy asked her out over the phone.
- Carl asked her out.
- Connor asked her out again.
She said no to them all, giving various different reasons as to why not. Oh yeah, and Freddie said he still fancies her.
Why does that never happen to me, hey? I’m not really jealous or anything coz she doesn’t want to go out with any of them but it is nice to know that people actually like you that much. I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. If I’m not that popular now, it’s only going to be worse when I’m off the tablets (which will be in a day) and I’m back to looking like a right freak again.
Mum keeps telling me to think positive but it’s hard knowing that it [spots] came back last time just as I thought it’d gone for good. I like having clear skin. I can actually go places without worrying about who’s staring at me and without having to bother about the wind blowing my hair out of place. I’ve been taking it for granted really and now the possibility of my life going back to how it was before I went on the pills is here again. It just upsets me so much.
Mum’s right. I have got to think positive. I mean, there’s not much else I can do and worrying constantly really can’t help, can it?
Sunday 1st Back to school again tomorrow. At the start of the hols, I didn’t want time off but now I can’t be bothered going back. Plus I’m worried about a few things. Just little things but enough to make me not want to go tomorrow.
For a start, there’s Freda and her bloody sleepover photos. [She took a photo of me asleep and probably snoring my head off.] I know what she’s like. Everyone gets to see them and if there’s a particularly bad one of someone, she passed it round classrooms. The embarrassment won’t just be for one day either coz she tends to bring photos in for more than a day, just to make sure everyone’s seen them. I’m either just going to have to try to laugh it off or dispose of the worst photos of me. But then again, she’s still got the negatives. It’ll be so humiliating and Freda will make sure of that.
Besides the photos, I’m getting my Chemistry test results back. I know they’ll be bad coz I didn’t revise and I missed out about half the questions. Mr M tends to show people up too by asking for reasons as to why the mark was so bad.
There’s also Ewan. I’m not worried so much about that coz I can avoid him if necessary, I’m just not sure what to expect. I s’pose he doesn’t know I know about the party and what he said [That I was “alright”.] but it’s still awkward for me knowing he said that and knowing that Emma’s been telling him I like him so he thinks I do.
I don’t think I’ll go to bed yet. It’s quite late and I’ve got to get up early in the morning but it’s unlikely I’ll get to sleep straight away anyway coz I didn’t wake up until about 11:00 this morning. And I’ll be thinking and worrying about most of the stuff I’ve mentioned and no doubt I’ll think of other stuff too.
I went to Emma’s again this afternoon. I was talking about last night and people saying I was miserable and she just gave me a look. I told her how I couldn’t really tell her anything, which is true. I don’t feel I can. She tells me all these big problems she has and I listen and try to make her feel better usually but whenever I try to tell her summit, she just acts as if she’s not interested. I s’pose anything I say sounds like silly little things to her, being Little Miss Experience and all.
Huh, well I just don’t think it’s fair. I just don’t feel I can trust her coz what seems big to me probably just sounds like nothing to her so she’d probably just come straight out with it if someone asked what was wrong with me, thinking that I wouldn’t care coz it’s nothing major anyway.
Well, maybe it is to me.