I’m not bleeding psychic – 26th October 1998

Monday 26th I went round to Emma’s this afternoon. I still think she fancies Ewan coz she keeps saying things like, “I would have stayed with Davis if people like Robert, Carl and Ewan hadn’t been there.” Later on, I asked her if she fancied him and she said no but that she did at the party coz she fancies everyone when she’s pissed. I asked her if she went with [snogged] Ewan but she swore down that she didn’t. I think I believe her.

I’m still pretty pissed off about not going to that party. Emma said last night that it might have been a good thing that I didn’t go coz I would probably have felt used. I dunno why but it really annoyed me when she said that. I think it’s coz she acts like she’s the expert coz she reckons that she’s pretty experienced.

Maybe she’s right and I might have felt like that but, then again, I might not have. I didn’t go so I guess we’ll never know.

The way Emma kept going on about the Keely thing made it sound like she was trying to put me off him. She may not have been but that’s the impression I got. I bet she just doesn’t want me to get too close to any lad coz she’s normally the one that it happens to coz she throws herself at lads. As soon as I get a possible chance with a lad I actually like, she tries to put me off. I just get the feeling that she’s scared it’ll all change round and I’ll get all the lads instead of her. I doubt it’ll happen but surely it’s about time I started to get the odd chance.

She also said today that I always back out of fun things. I could have hit her. How was I supposed to bloody know I had a chance with Ewan. I’m not bleeding psychic. Okay, I didn’t go to town but that wouldn’t have exactly been fun anyway as far as I’m concerned. I’d probably have fallen asleep at the party on Saturday anyway so that wouldn’t have been all that exciting.

Although, it does worry me that she could be right. I’m not entirely sure I would have gone with Ewan and not have avoided him. The thing is that I don’t get pissed and don’t particularly wasn’t to so when everyone else is full of confidence, can’t control themselves and doesn’t know what they’re doing, I do and don’t have much self-confidence so I do tend to back out of things. But not always.

I’m not sure Ewan does like me all that much. He probably would have gone with me but maybe only coz he thought he probably wouldn’t be rejected. Anyway, even if he does really like me, he’ll probably have forgotten by the time we get back to school knowing my luck with lads.

I really have got to stop being so negative! I’m just depressing myself. I need something good to happen to boost my confidence again. It’s probably just coz I’m on holiday and I’ve not got much else to do really but think so I’ve been thinking about stuff like the Ewan situation. And I’ve thought so deep into it that it only seems to be a bad thing even though it might not be. For all I know, it could lead to summit good. I hope so.


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