What the hell’s the matter with me? – 17th August 1998

Monday 17th I’ve decided to try not to be quite so horrible to Ralph. He hasn’t actually done anything to annoy me and he can’t help being gross. He hates me anyway and I don’t really want him to, however much I can’t stand the lad.

Freddie hates me too. I’m not sure why. I’ve not wound him up for a while. I’ll have to be nicer to him now.

The other reason for being nicer to them is coz they are likely to slag me off in front of their mates (one of which is Ferny) and I don’t really want that to happen. It’s just every time I see or hear Ralph, it triggers off summit in my brain which makes me open my mouth and insult him or summit.

I might not see either of them for a while anyway coz Emma’s getting pretty sick of Freddie too. It’s got to the stage when she’s started offering people money to go with [snog] him so she has a good excuse to dump him. One of which was a lad! The other one was Suzanna the Slapper who said she’d do it in Blackpool on Saturday.

I’m not going to Blackpool. I don’t want to. I don’t really know Suzanna or her mates, Emma’ll probably stick with Freddie anyway and it’s not exactly my idea of fun being stuck with Ralph all day. Plus they’ll probably all get pissed and smoke and who know what else.

I discovered today that the first pack of fags Ralph and Freddie bought, Emma helped finish. Stupid cow! She’d better not start as well. I couldn’t cope with 3 human ashtrays!

Rach rang me tonight. I was glad that she did. I had someone else to share my dislike of Ralph with. At least she didn’t slag me off or say she hated me. And she doesn’t smoke.

I’m worried now I think about it. What the hell’s the matter with me? Why do I have to be mean to people? Ralph’s not bothered me this much before. At least I’ve finally gone off him. [Hmm. I’m not convinced about that.] The worrying thing really is that I think Davis annoys me less than Ralph at the moment. That’s saying something too! I’ll put it down to the fact that I don’t really want to be here. I want to be in Wick.

Oh sod it! There’s nothing I can do about it. Or Ralph. He can’t change his face (Well, actually… nah… too expensive!) or his personality for that matter. I’ll just have to see how I react next time I see them.

I also don’t like the fact that they say I have no feelings. According to Freddie, it’s okay for Ferny to have no emotions coz he’s a lad. I do anyway! Just coz they don’t like me. They also keep skitting me about Euro Disney and me having a phobia of Mickey Mouse. I think I’ll just go along with that one and hope it dies down soon.


P.S. I love my hamster, Tizzy. She’s getting pretty old now though. I’m a bit worried about her. She’s been staying at Cat Elliot’s house for 2 weeks and she was okay before. Now she’s gone all slow. I hope she’s alright. She’s so pretty. I don’t want anything to happen to her.

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