Thursday 2^nd Tonight, me Rach, Emma, Ralph and Freddie all met up in the village. We somehow ended up in the nature reserve. We were just messing about and sitting in trees and stuff.

It was going alright until Ralph first asked Emma if I still like him. She never answered him so when Rach, Emma and Freddie all sped up, he dropped back with me. The conversation went summit like this:- (more or less)

(T = me and R = Ralph)

R: Tess, why do you keep dropping back or speeding up every time I walk with you?
T: I don’t.
R: You do. Look, you’re doing it now.
T: Yeah well, I wanna catch up with them. I must be doing it subconsciously otherwise.
R: Do you like Ferny again?
T: Er… why?
R: Coz Emma says you do. Do you?
T: Er… well… no… yeah… I dunno, sort of. [All the answers. No wonder Ralph was confused.]
R: You never have a proper conversation with me.
T: I do.
R: When? Gimme and example.
T: I can’t think of one.
R: I know I’m putting you on the spot but I’m confused. Just give me a straight answer.
T: Can’t you just go off me?
R: I can’t and every time I like you, you like Ferny again.
T: So…?
R: Give me a straight answer.
T: To what? [BLOODY ANYTHING! Jesus, what was wrong with me?!]
R: Doesn’t matter.
T: Can’t you just leave it?
R: Fine. I will.

After that he just walked off and caught up with the rest of them and Rach walked with me. I’ll have to get Emma’s side of it at some point.

We just went back to Rachael’s for a bit and then on the walk back to Emma’s my mum saw us 4 walking. I apologised to Ralph before getting in the car and told him it was just coz I don’t like being put on the spot. I don’t think it did much good.

The answers that I should’ve given and what I should have explained just didn’t come out as they should have and I have a big wave of guilt over me now.

• The reason why I kept moving when he came near me was that I knew he’d probably do that and put me on the spot so I just tried to avoid being left alone with him.
• I do still like Ferny a lot but I also like Ralph. I just didn’t want to tell him straight that I like Ferny coz I know how disappointed he would have felt. He would also have thought that I didn’t like him as well but I do.
• He’s also right about me never having a proper conversation with him. I try not to just in case it gets too deep and then I know where it’ll lead – putting me on the spot.
• I can’t give him a straight answer either. I can to whether I like him or not coz I know I do but if he was going to ask me out then I couldn’t.

The thing is that if I do anything with Ralph or go out with him then it ruins any chance I could possibly have had with Ferny coz he’ll think I’m Ralph’s “bird” and won’t like me back coz it’d be unfair on Ralph.

The other thing is that if I don’t go with [snog] Ralph then I may never get another chance coz he really will get sick of me and he’s the 1^st lad who I’ve sort of liked who’s liked me back. Except sometimes he makes me feel really sick but other times he doesn’t. I’m confusing myself, never mind just him!

Another thing is that if I do go with Ralph but I don’t want to go out with him then that could make matters worse by upsetting him and confusing him more. On the other hand it could end it all and keep him happy.

Oh, I dunno.

BYE!