Saturday 5th I went to Freda’s house this afternoon for a barbeque and to watch the carnival. Those parts [The real life bits.] were boring but we were on the internet talking to someone.
We were in a ‘room’ with loads of people all at once then somebody in particular wanted a conversation with us. Freda’s internet name is Smellicat [As in Friends.] and this person’s name was Inpaler. [Looking at this now, that was ‘impaler’ misspelt, wasn’t it? Not a friendly internet name whatever it was implying. Maybe a stabby murderer but probably just a common garden sex pest.]
The conversation sort of went like this:
[I’d written this out, it wasn’t printed. I’d REMEMBERED it.]
S: How old R U?
I: 14. U?
S: 14. S: Male/female?
S: Have you got a girlfriend?
I: Not yet.
I: Have you got a boyfriend?
S: What’s your name?
I: Barry. U?
S: Do you like f.ball?
I: Yes. [Old Barry the Inpaler was chatty, wasn’t he?]
S: Who do you support?
S: Where R U? [We were pioneers of text speak but clearly weren’t internet savvy enough at this stage to start a chat with a time-saving ‘asl’.]
I: Epsom. Where R U?
S: Near Manchester.
S: What music do U like?
S: My name’s not really Kate, it’s Cat. [Knowing Cat, she will have used that comma.]
S: 3 of my mates are here now.
S: Tess, Zoe and Emma. Which name do U like?
I: Tess. [Yes! No webcams then so he couldn’t see the fringe that went with the name.]
S: We’re all hitting her now. [Don’t be jel, girls. There will have been plenty more chat room weirdos in the sea. Although to be fair to Barry the Inpaler, he was more silent than psycho.]
S: What do you look like?
I: I don’t know.
S: Have you got a mirror?
I: Tall, brown hair, brown eyes. U?
S: Tall, brown hair. (Cat was typing.)
I: What are Tess’s hobbies?
(They were starting to write shagging girls but added only joking after.)
S: She’s an MUFC fanatic.
I: What does she look like?
S: She’s really ugly… but beauty is only skin deep!
S: Only joking!
S: She’s pretty average. [Thanks, friends.]
S: Tess loves yer!
I: I love Tess!
I: Got to go now. Bye. [Run, Barry, run for the Surrey Hills!]
We kept saying bye for ages. I thought that was really sweet but I bet he’s some old minger. I hope not!
Later on, Emma and I went in the room and the others were doing cyber sex! It was sick!
I’m going now.
P.S. Barry wanted us to e-mail him on firstname.lastname@example.org or something.